Indescribably delicious

I just got home after dropping Blondie off at his apartment.

I have to write this all down so I don't forget anything.

And yes, it was A M A Z I N G.

Sigh.

He's literally loading everything he owns into a small driveable U-Haul as I write this and moving five hours away tomorrow morning.

He's made a mess of his life. He's moving back in with his mom with his proverbial tail between his legs.

Over the course of the last couple of weeks he apparently pissed off his girlfriend, went to Mexico on vacation with a group of friends, then lipped off to his boss which got him fired. Which rendered him homeless, since he worked maintenance at an apartment complex and got a reduced rent there. He had moved out of his old place two months ago to get a bigger place in the same complex with his girlfriend but she (apparently) kicked him out. In addition, he got a DUI in May when he got in a wreck so there's that. So he is jobless and car-less and homeless, and moving in with his mother and his step-dad for "least a year" to get his shit together. "Maybe go back to school".

So he'd announced his plans to move on a Facebook post yesterday (leaving out the "pissing off" everyone part). It must've been shocking to his friends bc last I looked, he'd had about 53 likes and sad faces and hearts and about 25 comments or more from well-wishers. He's made announcements like this before but never with a target date, so I knew he was serious. I also was privy to the fact that he was in a desperate situation bc he'd written me a few days ago asking if I would take his beloved cat while he looked for a place to live. And just as my hubby and I were discussing how we'd make that work, Blondie wrote me he was going to "try to make it work" with his ex-GF and so I wouldn't need to take his kitty after all. Raise me up and drop me, that's Blondie's MO. My BFF said, "what a douche!!!" But I know him better. He's not a douche. He's a hot mess, he doesn't know what he wants and so he's just grabbing onto anything that will stick. He's got a huge heart and hates more than anything to let anyone down, let alone hurt someone, but the truth is, he ends up hurting everyone including himself. He didn't end up with many options I guess.

I knew I had to see him and say goodbye. Five hours away might as well be five states, or five countries away as far as I was concerned. So I wrote him and asked if he was really moving and he responded right away, "yes I am". I told him I had something for him, and he responded by asking me "are YOU the gift??" with a wink emoticon. I couldn't believe it! Was he actually flirting with me?? I mean, this is the guy I've rarely spoken to for over a year because he "can't talk to me anymore". I felt myself getting excited and my hopes up. We messaged back and forth and he finally asked me if I could pick him up at 10 am.

I think you know the answer to that question!!!!

He confirmed this morning around 9:15, which honestly still surprised me, bc he's known for being a super big flake. I gave it less than a 50% chance we'd really see each other today. I expected him to say he had too much to do, blah blah blah, but he didn't.

I was sooo nervous. I looked back on these posts before I left to see when was the last time I'd seen him. Dec. 8, 2016. More than a year ago. And although we're Facebook friends and have had some communication here and there, it's been very infrequent, so seeing him today, let alone having sex with him gave me butterflies! So much time had passed, and yet another girlfriend fiasco.What if I wasn't attracted to him anymore? I had told my BFF that looking at his pics online I felt warm towards him but my lady bits weren't really tingly.

Maybe I just needed to see him in person.

*******

I wanted to chug a couple of vanilla vodka shots but I had to drive. I really could've used some liquid courage. I drove up to his apartment, saw the U-Haul, and parked across from it. And I was just putting the car into gear when I saw him hurrying in the cold to my car, and he got in. We were all smiles. We grabbed each other in a huge bear hug and didn't let go. He looked absolutely the same to me. Super long blonde mane with a black knit hat, those blue eyes behind dorky, broken black glasses that he pointed out to me later he'd super-glued in one spot. A sexy few days' ginger stubble.

Finally we parted, and I said, "I just can't believe you're really sitting here in my car!" He agreed. We talked about how long it had been--I didn't divulge the exact date--but we agreed it had been way too long.

As I drove us back to my house, he told me about his upcoming move, how he got to this point. The remark to his boss (he didn't say what it was), the break-up with the GF (he shared no details) having literally nowhere to go but his mother's, which was not exactly what he had planned for himself. He has the realization that he caused all of this. He is the common denominator. Later on when the opportunity presented itself, I said to him how he must not really want (these things) or he wouldn't sabotage them. He said about us, "we could've gone so far". Um yep we could have Blondie. You stopped it. NOT me.

On the drive to my house he commented on my cute car, how it's "so me". I currently have reindeer antlers in the windows and a red puffy "nose" on the hood grill, and I was telling him I should design  Minnie Mouse ears for each window and a red bow for the hood. He smiled and said, "you so should!!!!" and then he got quiet and I looked at him again, and he said, "I tried to be your Mickey".

LUMP IN THROAT!!!!!! WHAT DID HE JUST SAY????!!!!! HE TRIED TO BE MY MICKEY??!
WHAT DID THIS MEAN????!! OH MY GOD!!

I couldn't even react. I didn't say anything. The words just hung in the air as if they were big fluffy snowflakes drifting sideways. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it. I felt an electric shock go through me.

Finally I pulled my car into my garage, and he went bounding into the house like a puppy. He kicked off his shoes and my dog ran over to him to say hi. He excitedly said his name and gave my dog affection. Then he saw one of my cats on the back of the couch, went over to her and addressed her by name too, and pet her lovingly. He remembered their names. I thought that was sweet.

It was a little awkward, and I honestly wasn't sure he wanted sex! Nor did I! I had my guard up. I didn't want to start liking him too much again. I was so glad how I really had gotten over him completely. Well, maybe I hadn't, because I'm the one that reached out to HIM to "say goodbye".

I mostly felt a longing for him. I was excited but sad at the same time, because so much time had passed, and he was moving! It was almost like, "why are we doing this? What's the point??" The chemistry was definitely very much there.He seemed very distracted by his thoughts, moving and all, so I started with asking him if I could get him anything. He said he was fine. I had a few things I had gotten him (souvenirs) I'd never given him so I suggested we go into the kitchen and I gave them to him. I told him laughingly that it seemed every time I'd gotten him something, he would write me and say he couldn't talk to me bc he had this new GF so it seemed they were bad luck charms! His face got sad and he looked down and said, "I'm so sorry", and I said lightly, "that's ok". I made a joke of it. He loved them though. He seemed very moved.

I told him how I noticed in his Facebook pics of his trip to Mexico, he's wearing the tank top I got him so long ago. He said excitedly, "That's my favorite shirt!!!" We both beamed.

We awkwardly stood in the kitchen looking at each other, smiling, and he was kind of floating and twirling around, and I finally said, "what do you want to do?" He said, "ANYTHING!! I'm up for anything!" and he came over and hugged me tightly, and I felt his hard dick pressed up against me as he held me. He pulled away slightly and began to kiss me deeply. Mmmm it was delish. Then he let go and skipped down the hall towards the staircase, and pointed up with a devilish grin, his eyebrows asking me, "can we go up here??" I laughed and followed him. I reminded him of when he was on crutches and leapt up and down them previously. He smiled at the memory and said, "oh YEAH!!! I REMEMBER THAT!!!" He stopped at the top of the stairs to pet my other cat, and it was so cute how he remembered his name too.

He made a bee-line into my bedroom next, and plopped himself down on my bed like he owned it. Fully clothed. I said I had to get the ambiance "just right" and he joked, "ABSOLUTELY!!" I lit a candle and looked for a playlist on my phone, and turned on the bluetooth speaker. I told him how I was going to buy him tickets to his favorite group Odesa for his birthday but he went back to his girlfriend so I didn't buy them. He said, "oh my god were you going to take me??" I said, "Of course! They were playing in Madison the day before your birthday!" He put his arm across his face and said, "oh my god, wow, really? sigh". Yep Blondie, you missed out.

He beckoned me, "come over here!" and I obeyed. I laid down next to him; he put his arms around me and just hugged me again. So tightly. And hugging led to kissing, and next his hand was slowly caressing my leg, my butt, my back, every part of me. Like I was a Ferrari, you know? Have you ever touched a Ferrari?? You stroke it gently, lovingly, not wanting to scratch it. It's the most unbelievable thing you've ever seen and can't believe you're touching it. Every inch of it is a miraculous thing to behold. That's how I felt. Like a prized luxury car.

Or a Queen.

Somehow I managed to squeeze in saying, "Groping through clothes is the best! don't you think?" And he purred in agreement and kept on touching me, till finally all I wanted to do was rip our clothes off. So that's what we did ;) Blondie unzipped his pants and pulled them down to show me his welcoming big, thick stiff dick and smiled. I swiveled around and took off my socks one-by-one, my leggings, and then my top and just had on a matching silver bra and thong. He pulled off his sweater and shirt and voila, there was a fully naked Blondie in my bed. I told him I just couldn't believe he was there. He said softly, "me neither!", and everything accelerated from there...

He was passionate without being grabby. I'd forgotten what a great lover he is, and I mean specifically in that way. He's very passionate, not grabby at all, in fact, he is SO not goal-oriented at all. I feel like he makes love, not "has sex" with me. Everything that happens is organic. He doesn't really talk except to moan or say my name as he's moaning. One time I was on top of him and he was fucking me hard from underneath him, and he slowed himself down and told me, "close your eyes. I want you to FEEL ME." and I did. And once again he said it, "feel me". And as soon as I let myself feel him with my eyes closed, I burst into tears. I was feeling too much. I made myself stop as quickly as I could so he wouldn't see.

After that amazing move, he moved me gently off of him and laid my down next to him, spooning. He caressed my body and his hand moved down to insert his fingers into my vagina and I swear he got me really turned on that way. Like everything else he does, it was slow and sensual. I loved it. Some guys just jam their fingers in you and think you like that (insert laughing-till-crying emoji here). He doesn't do that. He's gentle. It's like he caresses the outside of my pussy while he's putting them inside all at the same time. It feels amazing. And he doesn't "feel around in there" like he's looking for a lost penny. (Why do guys do that???) I wish I could tell him all this!

He flipped me over and fucked me hard on top. I loved the eye contact. That's the best. So intense. I hate when guys have their eyes closed more than they're looking at you bc otherwise it feels like they're just fantasizing about some other chick (or porn) while I'm the one who's naked. He would fuck me hard and as he did, that long blonde mane would hang down and I'd grab it and pull on it, or brush it out of his face. And my favorite is when he'd flip it himself out of the way. Just like a fucking sexy caveman. GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I ordered him, "FUCK ME BLONDIE!! FUCK ME HARD!!!' He brought out the animal in me.

I straddled him and climbed on him so that I put my pussy right in his face. He ate me out appreciatively, and I then moved down and "tittie-fucked" him. He said he'd never done that before! I thought about his ex-girlfriends' A-cup tits and said, "you gotta have big ones for it!" LOL I rubbed my pussy on his thigh and told him I was going to dry-hump him and we were both going to cum like that. We almost did. Almost. It was naughty and fun.

Then I just gave him the royal treatment. I licked him up and down slowly and gently, avoiding his dick, up and around his balls, the inside of his thighs, his tummy, and stroked him gently with my hands while he laid there alternatively watching and not, his eyes closed in ecstasy. He moaned my name over and over. Finally I took his dick in my mouth and teased the tip, making it super wet with my saliva. He squirmed in delight and grabbed me by my hair and pulled it hard, pulling me on top of him, sticking that big fat cock of his inside me and fucking me so hard he came. I loved it when he said, "omg (my name) I'm coming" with that orgasmic "O" face. What's more fun than seeing THAT??!!

Another thing I love about sex with Blondie is he stays rock hard after he comes, and we just keep fucking. We don't stop. Usually he comes again within minutes, but this time he didn't. He slowed down and I felt him pull himself out, his hands on my torso, and he laid me gently down next to him. I got up and got us a towel, and he was smiling and saying, "OH MY GODDDD" over and over. Then he said, "Come back", and reached for me and held me. I wanted to keep it light so at some point I said, "do you remember the jalapeno incident??" And he laughed so loud and hard. "YESSSS!!!! OH MY GOD!!" We both laughed.

His dick was still straight up in the air like a ruler and I was still super turned on. He asked me to keep touching it (my pleasure!!! LOL) and I dribbled a little bit of lube on it and he purred, "mmm perfect" and we touched it together. I was so ready to keep fucking. I still hadn't come. I got so close so many times but I hadn't. We laid there playing with his cock for a little while, then unfortunately, he took our hands off and apologized for stopping. He said he was "distracted" by all the stuff he has to do, and he's also emotional about the move and all. Would I just hold him? ("consolation prize") LOL

It was all good though, because we talked. And he said some amazing things to me. He said he felt like we have such a strong connection, he feels we will always see each other again. I agreed. I said, "I now have total faith that I will see you again." And I do. And then I took a risk and said, "you know, I don't even really get jealous when you have a girlfriend bc I want you to be happy. I just hate that you cut me out when you do. Because I'm your friend first." He said, "I know, I'm sorry". I said, "you know Blondie, there are girls out there who will understand. You just have to know what you want and tell them." He said, "I know, I know." I felt like I was lecturing him but I had to get it out. This was my last chance. I said further, "you've gone through how many girlfriends now and look at us! Even when you have a girlfriend we still have that connection Blondie!" He was holding me as we were talking, naked and warm, and it was intense and emotional. "I know! I know!" he agreed. "you're so right!" So I said, "you can have both. You just have to know what you want and ask for it." I wanted him to know it IS possible. We laid there, just holding each other. I said, "that's what I have. We have a great marriage" then realized I needed to lighten up and said, "everyone should be like this because it's so awesome!" We laughed and he kissed me and snuggled me to let me know everything was all right. It was perfect.

He said he was hungry and was craving "Arby's". Said he saw it on the way over and so we decided we'd get it for him, so after a bit I proclaimed, "let's go!". He looked at me like he was making mental note of my face, the way you see them do in the movies when that person knows they're never going to see you again. I melted and said, "one last naked hug! Because naked hugs are the BEST!!!" and that's what we did. We held each other, neither wanting to let go. And then it occurred to me, 'TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE ANNA!!!!" And he's always let me take lots of pics so I said, "Selfie???" and he said, "sure!!!" So I took two selfie pics of us "for posterity". He trust me completely.

We kissed, then got up and dressed, and he was done first and wandered into my bathroom and just looked around. He saw the Minnie Mouse framed pic he'd given me and commented on it. He said, "You ARE Minnie" with a smile. We went downstairs and he gave a look around like it was the last time he'd ever see it, and we left. He took my hand and didn't want to let go; he intertwined his fingers with mine and since I have a stick shift, I was driving with my left hand and taking it off the wheel to shift with it. So we didn't have to let go. I commented, "I've never done this! It's tricky!" but his face was calm like he was just feeling it all, not like I was doing anything as extraordinary as this. I loved how he just didn't want to let go.

We didn't unlink our hands until we stopped at Arby's, and he fed me curly fries all the way to his apartment. One time I bit his finger and he smiled, and once he left his finger in my mouth for me to suck it. It was so hot! We joked and laughed about nothing I can remember now, but it was awesome. Like we were on a date--one of the dates we'd never gotten to go on.

When I licked his fingers, I told him it reminded me of how much I miss him cooking for me. I said, "I loved it when you took a piece of the chicken and licked off the sauce and fed it to your kitty. I thought that was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen." He said, "aw, well he's a great cat." I just smiled.

We finally got to his apartment building and saw the U-Haul again. I thought he said, "come in for a bit" and I was excited! I said, "I get to say goodbye to your kitty??" He said, "oh no, he's not here. He's at my co-worker's where I've been staying the last few days." I said, "Oh! Awww" sadly. I followed him to the U-Haul where he opened up the door, put in the bag of food and the bag of souvenirs I'd gotten him, and he turned and faced me and said, "this is it!"  He said something about having to go see his ex-co-worker who he was living with; he was going to get him so he could help him move more of his things. "Oh", I said, a little deflated bc I'd apparently misunderstood him. He just stared at me, and I smiled and said, "well best of luck Blondie, drive safe, keep in touch" and he said, "I will Anna, I will". We kissed a deep longing kiss, parted, and he said, "thank you for everything Anna. I appreciate you so much". I said, stupidly, "thank YOU honey" and felt instantly stupid and like "what the fuck did I say honey for???" I went up on my tip toes and kissed him again, and I turned and walked to my car.

I got in and as I put the car in gear, I saw him drive past me on the street, not looking back.

Dumped again

WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW

We've got so much catching up to do!!

HOLY SHIT WHERE DO I START!?!?!?

Wow so my birthday was Thursday, very nice day, over 150 Facebook wishes and messages, and yes, Blondie did finally write me. I decided I would use that moment to write him further. Prodded by my BFF, I thanked him for the birthday wishes, and added a congrats to him on getting his new job, the one that will keep him from moving to Colorado! The next morning he thanked me and we wrote back and forth chit-chat off and on all morning. Finally, I poked him around 10:30 am the day after my birthday, "You should be inside me. Come over."

How would YOU react if someone you (apparently) really liked and had had a sexual relationship with wrote that to you??  Well, he responded first with, "haha hey now, I'm working."  A couple hours later I wrote simply, "when next then?" with a kissy face emoticon.

And that's when the shit hit the fan.

He waxed on about how he won't be able to "for awhile"--that there's someone else he's been talking to and "I can't do two things at once" That it makes him uncomfortable and "I know she wouldn't like it.' How the fuck would he know that???!!

He went on. Stab, stab, stab.

"I'm sorry. It just messes with me to do that to someone. If (sic) love to have a relationship. And this one had her eyes on me and I would be lying to say I didn't have mine on her."

I wanted to say, "go fuck yourself Blondie" but my dignity wouldn't allow it. I simply said, "well you def have to pursue that then! I totes get it....hopefully you and I will get to play again in the future." And he proceeded to send me a snapchat video right at that moment. And a few since.

I'm not ever going to be that crazy ex-girlfriend. And I know he will come back. He always does. Because like the Avril Lavigne song my band is doing right now, "Every second I'll be wrapped around your finger, cuz I can, cuz I can do it better, there's no other, so when's it gonna sink in, she's so stupid what the hell were you thinking!!!" --Girlfriend

**********

For Blondie

One of the most precious moments of my life was the moment about four weeks ago when Blondie said to me, "I want to ask you to be my girlfriend, but you're married. So what do I do about that??!!" I responded enthusiastically, "I can still be your girlfriend!!" He answered, "you CAN??!!" And I said, "YES!! I CAN!!" He then asked me what was my definition of a girlfriend, and I said, "well, she's someone who hurts when you hurt. She's happy when you're happy. And she will do anything in her power to make you happy". He responded with the most beautiful smile, sparkly eyes, and a passionate kiss.

During our date last Friday, as I was driving him home, he asked me about my husband and how this all works. I was unprepared for the question, and I was driving, and having ADD I can't really do two things at the same time well LOL and I think my answer was inadequate. I wish I'd explained it better to Blondie, because I care so much about him and wish I'd given him a better answer. And being that I'm much better at expressing myself in writing than talking, I thought I would answer his question completely here today.

The answer is, "easy". I don't have to "do" anything differently if I wasn't married.

To me, being Blondie's girlfriend means what I told him. That when he hurts, I feel his pain as if it were my own. When he's happy, my world is sunnier. It's really that simple.

It also means I always have his back. It means I never stop thinking about him. And I never will. I will always want to do whatever I can to make him happy. I want to give him everything and be everything to him. I want to go places with him, laugh with him, lay with him. Cook for him, take care of him, buy him things, make him things, and just plain BE with him. I want to be a part of his life. I want to meet his mom, his friends (I've met his roommate!! And he's totally sweet to me!). I want him included at Thanksgiving and Christmas. He makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him.

So, the real question he might have really been asking me could've been, "Do you have enough time for me? How do I share you with someone else you live with?" The truth is, sharing me is really about time management. We all lead such busy lives. We have jobs, friends, families, hobbies, all sorts of responsibilities. We juggle constantly.

Being Blondie's girlfriend, to me, means he has moved to the top of my list. He is a priority. He is right at the top with my husband and my kids now. Because of the way I feel about him, that's where I want him to be. I can't imagine him being anywhere else. Does he feel this way about me? I don't know. I think he does, since he's the one that asked me to be his girlfriend. I know he's never dated a married woman before, so I know he's not certain how this will work. All I know is, he makes me super happy and all I want is more!!!

Maybe he wonders about our sex life. Do I still fuck my husband? How is it he's really ok with this? I hope that if he wants to know anything, all he has to do is ask. 

I wish I could go on Facebook and click, "In a relationship with Blondie" the way other people can, but I'm sure it wouldn't let me. Maybe someday Facebook will progress to allow someone to be married and "in a relationship" with someone else at the same time. I want bragging rights too!!

But it all comes down to this: All I really want is for him to truly know that yes, I am honored to be his girlfriend, and I want the whole world to know he's my boyfriend. 

He's amazing! 

I'm a smitten kitten

So much happened last night, and I'm afraid I'm going to forget some things if I don't hurry up and write them down.

Blondie asked me to be his girlfriend! He said, "I want you to be my girlfriend, but you're married. So what do I do about that?" I said, "I can still be your girlfriend!! " He answered, "you CAN??!" And I said, "yes I can!" He smiled one of those gorgeous smiles of his, his eyes lighting up like sparkling stars, and he excitedly leaned over and kissed me.

Date #2 was even more amazing than the first. I left his bed just shy of 3 am.
He came 4 times. I have never had sex like that ever, and he told me I was the best lover he'd ever had! Now isn't that nice to hear???!!! AND OMG OF COURSE HE'S MY BEST EVER TOO!!!

He just kept saying things that were so wonderful to hear. Like how beautiful he thinks I am, how amazing he thinks I am, how he never stops thinking about me. And he wanted to reassure me of that. That even if his texts aren't frequent he never stops thinking about me. That sometimes he just thinks things and thinks he's talked to me! Like the other night, I wrote him at 8:30 pm and said I wanted to see him, was he free tomorrow? And I went to bed at 11:15 and no response. I told him I was so sad and felt stupid and vulnerable, assuming he was trying to figure out how to let me down easy. He was so upset at hearing this! He said, 'omg no no no!" He explained how he had sent me a text saying "yes" he wanted to get together but then his phone died. Then later the text went through, and yes, I woke up at 1 am to go to the bathroom and there it was, the words I badly wanted to hear, "lol I was just about to ask you the same question! yes I'm free tomorrow!"

And I have a tennis match right now so I can't finish this, but I will when I get back.

I'll leave you with this--I. Am. So. Happy.


xoxoxox

Why I took my pic down

Ironically, the same day I posted "My slutty afternoon...", I happened to get a text from a guy I've been chatting with that I met on the dating website, "do you know a woman named (blank)?" I texted him back, 'uh, no, why?" and he said, "well she sure seems to know you. And she had some choice words for you." WTF??!! And he proceeded to tell me she said this about me, and I quote, "...it is a known fact that she is a slut." Ironic huh?! The same day I posted that blog post. Just a couple days ago. Guess I started chatting with a guy who knows someone who knows someone who knows me. And he's been talking about me to her. Great. Fucking great.

So, of course, I freaked out. Fucking fucking freaked out. I looked her up on Facebook and we have a mutual friend. Great. Fucking great. So, either this mutual friend (a guy that used to work at the gym, we are more" aquaintances" than friends) is talking smack about me, or she found my blog. For the record, she looks familiar, but he insists she doesn't go to the gym I go to so I don't think I know her.

I have Googled my blog to see if it can be found, and I've been able to so far keep it discreet. But I freaked out anyway and took my picture off. I couldn't even sleep that whole night, trying to figure out how this chick knows me and why she'd say that about me.

You my dear readers know I'm a swinger, and yes, I love sex. And they are many definitions of the word "slut"-I just looked them up LOL---anywhere from meaning a woman who loves sex to a woman who will have sex with anything that moves. SO......what did she mean by that?! What has she learned about me from this mutual "friend"??!! So yeah, if being a slut means, "a woman who loves sex or has multiple partners", yes, I'm a slut. But how would someone who doesn't even know me think that about me?!

I'm taking her comment to mean someone who'll sleep with anyone and anything, and has no couth. I am extremely selective (I've had 3 lovers in the whole year I've lived here!). And I have not done anything at ALL with anyone at the gym or any of my co-workers. I've been very discreet--only dating guys I've met on the dating site. No one who knows any of my friends or anyone in my circle. So for her to call me a slut, or to think that our mutual friend has said stuff about me, well, after I had my freak-out I calmed down and realized that maybe it's made-up shit on her part. She has nothing on me---UNLESS SHE FOUND THIS BLOG. THAT HAD MY PICTURE ON IT.

I have been very comfortable with all of you seeing me and getting to know me through this blog. I feel more real to complete strangers because as a group, if you're reading my blog, you are probably in the lifestyle too and realize how dangerous a game it is we play. Friends and family, if they were to find out about our secret lives, would ruin us. Isn't it fucked how the world works?? It's more socially acceptable to cheat on your wife or husband than to invite another lover into your bed with their permission.

I decided I'm finished talking to this loose-lipped guy, and also to just let it go for now. I honestly can't think of any reason someone who doesn't even know me would say such a thing about me. I have been very discreet, so maybe she's just jealous. I have no idea. But I think I need to be more careful, more discreet, because sadly, it's painfully obvious society can't handle women who love sex. I can't risk being found out. It's obvious my reputation is on its way to being tarnished and well, if it wasn't for me trying to protect my children and my husband's reputation, I wouldn't care what anyone thought of me. I have considered taking down this blog, but I won't for now. I need to to keep sane, but the thought of losing everything I have is more real now.

Crazy vacation shit

I was so fucking excited to go to California and see B, you have no idea. I spent days prepping--got my pretty fake tan just so, worked out as usual (I'm at a great weight right now), and had my roots touched up. All the planets were aligned and off I went. We had texted the night before that I would text him when I landed in LA and he was going to meet me at my hotel. I was getting super horny and thinking nasty thoughts the whole 4-1/2 hour plane ride. I couldn't wait to get there!

No sooner had I gotten to my hotel room and texted him, I got a text from a girlfriend of mine from the city I just moved from.  She told me a mutual friend of ours (I'll call her Erica) had passed away. This friend just happens to be the girl my hubby and I had a 3sum with back in April (see my blogs about her May 2011--titled "Aftermath" and "Tables are Turned"). I was instantly in shock. WTF???!! Sitting in my beautiful poolside suite, waiting to hear from B, my phone started blowing up. Calls coming in from friends about Erica. Each of us trying to get info about what happened to her. I had to call my hubby--he began sobbing. It was horrible. 

Next thing I knew, several hours had passed by--I'd cried off all my makeup and was exhausted,  and still nothing from B. I showered and got dressed up and decided to go downstairs and get myself some dinner. I still thought I was going to see him, and I hadn't eaten all day. After my solo dinner with all the hired help stumbling over themselves --it was so good for my ego--B finally called me. His voice was sexy and gravelly and he was telling me about something he had to do and would call me in a half hour. I decided to go wait for him in the bar. The bar at this hotel is like U-shaped, and I was sitting in the "U" when guy came and sat to the left of me. He wasn't cute, but I was bored and getting drunk. I had absolutely nothing better in the world to do than sit there and get drunk. I didn't have my kids, or hubby, I had no place I needed to be in the morning, and B wasn't calling me back. So I ordered another Grey Goose and Red Bull and chatted up the guy to my left.  I wasn't attracted to him AT ALL, I was just bored. He must've thought otherwise, cuz next thing I knew, we were in the elevator together. My floor was the 3rd, and his was the 5th, but i realized he got out with me and was walking to my room. I don't think I'd been this drunk in ages! What a shame about B. I was really disappointed. But I had a new problem--this guy was sitting on the edge of my bed and somehow I'd stupidly given him my phone number!! I was in a drunken haze and thankfully he was a gentleman and finally left after I thwarted one of his kisses.  I ignored his texts about what he wanted to do to me--"I can come back!"--bleh!!! and passed out. 

Yes, I woke up with a terrible hangover. I also woke up to realize my friend was dead. This thought sobered me up.  My phone had a zillion text messages waiting for me about her and I had new info that she was indeed still alive, albeit in a coma. She was on life support awaiting the possibility of her donating her organs. This was so upsetting. WTF happened to her??!! More questions than answers. She was in a hospital about 3 hours away--I was tempted to drive there but for what? She was in a coma, and they were planning on taking her off life support. I didn't really know her that well and I didn't really belong there.  I went and spent the entire day and evening with my parents and family there in LA.

When I got back to my hotel room around midnight, again I freshened up and went downstairs to the bar. Too late!! They had already closed!! So all dressed up and nowhere to go, I went back to my room and texted Mickey. He responded right away--he was at work and bored. I told him what happened to my friend, how I was in LA alone and how I had wanted to go see him in Oregon but that he waited to long to tell me if he wanted me to come or not and now tickets were like $700 so I couldn't go. I decided to have some fun and tried on a sexy dress and heels I'd brought to wear to go see B--and started taking pictures of myself in the mirror.

Mickey loved them! I took about 25 pics in various poses--in the gorgeous dress and heels--"you look amazing!!" Mickey gushed--and then stripped for him, one click at a time. It was so fun. Sexy and fun and he was full of compliments. I finally got so turned on I got in bed and had to make myself climax. All that pent-up sexual frustration from B standing me up. I fell asleep happy, feeling like Mickey was back in my life--that he'd never left. I wonder if his GF has her own version of their relationship and he has HIS own. He texted me he was looking for a new roommate....so....does she live with him or not?? What's with the whole "domestic partnership" thing?? I really don't know. He's too busy to talk to me. Or involved with her. Who knows. I was lonely and bored and feeling rejected and somehow Mickey always comes through for me when I need him.

The next night I was alone too, no plans. B finally called me again and made up some sort of lame excuse and said very sweetly and sincerely that he would 'make it up to me". Whatever. It's been 2 weeks and still haven't heard a peep.

The next day, my last day in LA, my BFF met me at my hotel and we spent like 14 hours shopping, eating, walking on the pier, watching the surfers and the seagulls, talking and talking and talking. It was so wonderful. I even decided to commemorate the day by getting a tattoo and I ended up doing just that!!

The black cloud of our friend's eventual death Saturday morning got darker when we found out she'd taken her life. My only vacation in a year to have this horrible news turned my weekend into a spiritual awakening of sorts. I felt so alive back in the fresh air and great weather and vowed to figure out a way to get back there. Also, one knows what Erica meant to me and my hubby. No one can ever know. It's a secret she obviously took to her grave and we'll take to ours. So very very sad.

                    *************************************************************

I am done with B and the Irish guy and all the ones who just don't show up. I promptly got back on the website and found a new hottie! His name is the same as my hubby's and we have been sexting heavily. Two nights in a row now he's made a video for me---if you know what I mean---and sent them to me. Get this--he actually lives 15 minutes away and has been begging to come see me!! I told him sorry, gotta meet you in public first. I'm all about first impressions. I will know ASAP if he's someone who's going to get my panties off.

I am really excited!! Thursday's the day!!!

What a week. 

        

If you really want to impress me, call me at 4 am.......

B called me at 4 am this morning and told me he wants me to come see him as soon as I get to LA! I can't wait to see him. I feel so comfortable with him--he's so sexy, so comfortable in his own skin. He is just easy to be around. He makes me feel so sexy and he just adores me. I hope he does get me pregnant--i'll have him in my life forever. Chances are 50-50 so we'll see. I really don't know why it's so important to him--I'm happy to just keep him my fuck-buddy, we have such a good time together. And I love that I'm his "dirty little secret". Well, I'd like to be more--damn wouldn't it be cool to be on his arm at some red carpet event?? Damn. Who knows. If I have his baby, the press will eventually find out. I like that I know a side of him no one else knows, cuz he is so comfortable with me.  I love the way he looks right into my eyes when he talks to me, those big brown eyes. I told my BFF about his new commercial and sent her his pic and she was like, DAMN he's HOT!!!!!!!!! I told her, yes, he is! I can't wait to grab that luscious long wavy brown hair in my fist while I ride him. Mmmmm 2 weeks!!!

Mickey is AWOL since I texted him I bought a plane ticket to come see him. I haven't heard a peep. I told him tickets were so cheap I decided to just come see him--that I remembered what he said (meaning about "having me in his life sexually right now is not healthy for me") and that I just wanted to have dinner---that I just want to gaze into those gorgeous blue eyes. No response yet. I'm biting at the bit to keep from contacting him--but going to just sit tight.

In the meantime, I'm writing Mr. Irish Accent daily and keeping in great shape for my romp with B (and hopefully Mickey). I'm down to 123 and look pretty good. I'm happy to say I don't think I need to lose any more weight! I'm all muscle now, what with 2 hours of tennis 5 days a week and weightlifting.

On a different note, my hubby's talking about taking a trip to go see his GF, the one that came here. I have to let him go and not make a fuss---it's only right, right?? Although it wasn't part of our original agreement....I get to do what I want so it's only fair. I don't feel threatened by her so maybe she's the right one for him to do this with.

It's funny---B, and Damien, and all these hot 20-something guys, but all my heart wants is Mickey. I'm really trying to leave him alone. He WILL come back to me, he always does. She's 20 for God's sake. And he's a confirmed committment phobe. I just have to sit tight.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll fall for someone else. I really really really want to. I did fall for Jake, but that ended badly. I wish I knew why. He really made me forget Mickey. That relationship had such promise, but maybe it was all in my head. I KNOW I can get over Mickey if I can just find someone to replace him. I've BEEN looking my dear readers! I really have! And I'm STILL looking!

Tomorrow night I will write about my hubby's GF's visit last month. I promise.

Stay tuned.

Love,
Anna XOXO

New profile pic and catching up

Hello my dear readers, I'm sorry so much has happened and I've been so busy I'm way behind. I know you all want to know how it went with my hubby new GF here....and I will tell you everything. I promise. But in the last 2 days there's been a new development with Mickey that I just have to get off my chest.

I have been trying to plan a trip to go see him for 2 weeks now. I'd have bought my plane ticket already but fucking Mickey wouldn't answer my texts or my IM's and so I didn't know if he was going to show up or not. I wanted to make sure what day off he would get so I planned well. We did play phone tag--it was sooo nice to have him call me nearly every day, or he'd answer the phone the second it rang when I called him, but we never talked for more than a couple minutes. He'd wake me in the middle of the night, and apologize for waking me, and then he'd tell me he'd call me tomorrow. This went on for the whole 2 weeks. He'd call me from work and have to hang up and wouldn't call me back till the next day. It was so schizo.

Finally, two days ago, out of the blue (his last text to me was June 2nd) I get a text from him that says, "I can't have you come see me. Having you in my life sexually is not healthy for me. I'm trying to focus on way too much."  I was shocked and sat on that for about a half hour. I was sad, but not surprised. We've been through this before, it's not the first time, so I was disappointed but ok with it. I remember the first time he did this to me---it was 7 years ago.  We had a Friday night date and he called me and told me, "I can't do this anymore", and how I was crying so hard, I was distraught--pleading with him to reconsider. I drove to his apartment and met him there--we sat in my car and he was cold as ice. That was the first time he broke my heart. It wasn't but 2 weeks later he was in my bed.

So I read his text and knew it was that night all over again, only I'm 1800 miles away so I can't just drive there and beg him to reconsider. And I'm a different girl now--I know he'll come back to me, and I told him so.  I asked him what was going on, what changed--that he had said he was single and had asked me to come see him, so WTF? And you know what??! He won't say it. He won't say he has a GF or that they're getting serious cuz he doesn't want to lose me. He talks so cryptically. "I'm not sure about anything right now," he told me. "What aren't you sure about?" I ask. "Work and such", he answers. Refusing to talk about anything in any detail whatsoever.

Knowing full well he wants me and will come back to me, first I was compassionate and told him I was sorry to hear. I was texting my best GF at the same time to get advice, and she thought I ought to tell him about "B". So I did. I said I was going to LA to see my BF and wish I was with him instead. He wrote me, "If I were even to see you now I can't stay the night or spend the day with you like I'd want". Oh happy day!! SEE???!! He DOES still want me!! So that was good enough for me.

I decided to tease him then--told him, "hey! Meet me in LA!!!" he said simply, "Can't".  I sent a sad face, and asked if he'd come here instead. He said he wasn't sure! Which meant "maybe I willl" or "I want to so fucking bad but can't figure out how to actually get away with it." Then my very sexiest naked pic of myself and said, "just to tease you...." and he loved it. It went on from there--I told him about my hubby's GF and sent him a couple pics of the two of us together and he loved them. He asked for more.

I know my Mickey. He loves to be single, he loves to be free. He hates to be tied down. He is a commitment-phobe and he will tire of her. I just have to be patient and not bug him, but yet, at the same time, he craves those texts from me that I am thinking of him.

The last thing I haven't told you is yes, I stalk him on Facebook. He and his GF have pages and although her wall is private, her info is not. It has always said under the relationship status that she is "complicated with...." and Mickey's name and pic. His is private so I can't read it, but I happened to look at their pages again last night and hers said instead, "in a domestic partnership with Mickey." WTF??? I looked at his page, and on his wall he'd written, "sorry, no, I'm not engaged, just clicked the wrong relationship status. I'm not getting married quite yet." To which a female friend who looks about my age wrote, "you're such a tease!" Just tonight I looked at them again and a guy friend wrote on her page, "Are you guys gay?" hahaha yeah WTF a "domestic partnership" doesn't sound very hot or sexy. More like roommates.

I know, I know, I'm just fooling myself. They are living together. But I asked him a few weeks ago--"are you in love?" and he said a resounding NO! So who knows.

I have to let go eventually--maybe he is getting serious about her and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I need to just let go right now, before I get hurt again. I'm really ok, more disappointed than anything, but sad too.

I'm thinner and in better shape than ever cuz I knew I was going to see him. Well, it will be appreciate by  B! I am excited to see him.

I'll tell you all about my hubby's GF as soon as I have time. It's the middle of the night right now and I have to get up at 6:30 am.

Oh wow!! B is calling!! yay!!! Just when I needed him.

Thanks for reading, and good night.

Love and kisses,
Anna XOXOX

My hubby's GF is coming to visit--and I'm getting anxious

I am SO glad the kids are in school all day long so I have some time alone to myself tomorrow to reflect on the upcoming weekend's events. My hubby's new GF is flying out here on Saturday, and I'm just a mess of mixed feelings.  I can bring out my inner lesbian for a night, if I drink enough, but a whole week?? I'm feeling very anxious. She is almost a complete stranger to me--we do text a little and write on Facebook now and then but she is HIS acquaintance, not mine. I've got to do this for my hubby. He does SO much for me.  He deserves this, I know he does.

My BFF tells me to just embrace her and do it for my hubby.

I want to . I really do. I know she isn't planning on trying to steal my hubby. She sent him a text yesterday that said simply, "I had a dream I was kissing your wife." oooo well isn't THAT interesting??!! So....anyway, I'm going to try to really be a good hostess and be very nice and polite and hopefully drink enough to have some great threesome sex!! I PROMISE to write next week and fill y'all in on our extracurricular activities!!

I told B I went to the gyno (I actually didn't---I looked up info online) and told him I got a "green light". He texted me back ASAP wanting to know what my timeframe was. I said I was planning on coming to see him mid-October. He is soooo excited!!!! (I am too!)

I can't decide how to plan my trip! I want to work in seeing my parents as well--should I see them first? I know I can't wait to see Mickey. I think I'll go see my parents first, then drive to LA and see B and maybe spend the night in LA. Then fly out to see Mickey in Oregon the next morning, it'll be a quick flight. Then fly home, with Mickey's touch still fresh on my skin, his scent still on my body. I want him to drive me to the airport, kiss me goodbye, and drive away thinking about ME. I really can't wait to see him. It's been a year since we saw each other.

I just love how intense he gets with me. He writes me in the middle of the night--"where are you? why aren't you writing me? Talk to me". It's so awesome. I feel so happy.

On a different note, I did meet someone FINALLY who lives in the same city as me!! He is 21, super good-looking--long black hair, dark eyes, very sexy. He took yesterday off from work to meet me but neglected to tell me and I was too busy to see him! I couldn't just drop everything--sadly LOL We are still trying to get together.

I'm still playing tennis with my boss at least once a week, sometimes two, and I'm feeling more and more at ease around him. He's letting his hair grow, and has that stubble from not shaving that is oh so sexy. When he talks I find myself imagining kissing him and realize that I'm not listening! One of these days when he calls me on it, I may have to nerve to admit why. We are working together tomorrow night--a special function--and I don't have to wear my dorky uniform so I plan on flirting heavily with him. My new fantasy about him is to go with him to the storage closet and shut the door (which automatically looks from the outside) and grab him and plant a big wet kiss on that sexy mouth! He's got the most perfect straight, white teeth (next to Mickey) and I'm telling you, the stubble is hella sexy.

Bedtime now my dears. I'll be too busy drinking, smoking pot, and being naked to write till next week so hope y'all have a great weekend and I'll fill you all in on this weekend's shenanigans on Friday (next Friday).

Love always,
Anna XOXOXO

Finding happiness in the middle of the night

Long after I'd gone to sleep two nights ago, I hear the familiar chime on my iPhone on my nightstand. It's Mickey. FINALLY. He's on yahoo messenger at long last, and writes me his usual, "what's up?" like a whole month hasn't passed but just a few days.

How I longed for the strength to ignore him. I laid there in the dark, staring at his user name, and his words, but I was too happy and relieved to have any sort of resolve. I wrote him back immediately, "hey sexy man, where've you been?" Thanks to my detective work (called Google) I knew I wasn't going to take any excuses.

He started in with his usual, "busy". I said, 'Bullshit". Ok, I actually didn't say that, but I wanted to. That's what I was thinking. I ignore it and asked if he'd gotten a phone yet--knowing full well he did. Yeah, he said. I asked him what hasn't he called or texted me? Had he changed his number? He said no, same number. I said I'd texted and called him and no response. He said simply, "my GF  gets mad." Hmmm.

Since he doesn't actually talk in complete sentences on yahoo messenger, I ask them and wait for answers. I was bold and pretty straightforward. Even though I'd been sound asleep moments earlier. The gist of his situation is this--he's back and forth with the same GF he'd cheated on with me that fateful June 25th day in that hotel room way back when I first started this blog!! Two years ago? Three? I can't even remember. Yes, same girlfriend.

I asked him if he was happy with her. He said, "comes and goes." WOW isn't he descriptive? What the hell does that mean??! So I poked and prodded him. Because I always feel that every single encounter with him could be the last. I try to get as much out of him every time JUST IN CASE.

He teased me back.  He said, "you'll be sad when I get married." So I said, "why is that?" hahaha I used to say things like, "oh, I know, I don't know how I'll handle it." But not now. He has worn me down. 

He didn't answer. So I said next, "So! When's the wedding?" and I was about to say, "so I can send my gift" but he quickly answered, "LOL I'm not getting married!" I've been down this road with him before and I know it will come one day. And no, I am not prepared, and yes, he's right, I WILL be sad. I'll be more than that though--I'll be distraught.

But I didn't want to tell him that. So I started teasing him back. I said, "Marry me". He said, "but you're already married." I said, "So I can marry you too. The three of us. I'll be faithful to you and my hubby."

He was like, hmmm, what do I say to that?? He just said, "How would that work?" and I said, "very well actually! You'll get everything you want. Emotionally, financially, in every way." I could tell he was intrigued.

I teased him further to show I wasn't jealous. I told him I didn't mind sharing him as long as he was in my life. I said he could date others even if I was faithful to him. He was just floored. He said, "are you trying to bribe me?" and I said, " Hey, whatever works!!" lol

I then said, "I'll be your GF is cute. Is she into girls? Let's have a 3sum!" He said, 'No, no, that part of my life with you is separate from her." boo hoo I said too bad LOL I told him I had a boyfriend in LA and that I'm going to see him in a few weeks (B). He got jealous! Yay! I told him, "nah, I'm just going to see my parents. I want to stop and see you" So we talked about me getting a posh hotel room near him and him coming to see me. He truly wants to, I know he does, but he is "trying to be a good boy" so I'm not planning on going to see him now.

That did lead to an interesting conversation about non-monogamy, and how it doesn't work for us or most people, although they won't admit it. I said, "do you think for a second your GF doesn't have the hots for other guys? Of course she does, but she can't tell you, just like you can't tell her about me." OH I forgot to tell you!!! I asked him about the card I sent. "What card?" was his response. I told him about it, and then asked, "does your GF get your mail?" he said yes, I said, "Well, that explains why you never got it. I'm certain she intercepted it." He said nothing.

So....anyway...he's still online, 2 days later, and writing me all the time again. Why now? What has changed?? Nothing, he's still involved with her. But I did tell him, "you always come back to me." After a long pause, he said, "you're right, I do." 

So we'll see where this goes. My heart has hardened and I'm tougher than I used to be. I get him now, like I never got him before, and I actually feel sorry for his girlfriend, because he has broken her heart so many times (I know from her poetry I found online--thank you again Google) and he will break it again. I don't know if I want him that badly anymore. We should both dump him!!!

Damn it's those blue eyes, those dimples, that sexy voice and the way he makes us feel.

Fuck.

It's been a strange week.....

That's for sure. Mickey's back, and Nico's gone AWOL.  Unless I contact him first, I don't hear from him. He had a date this week so guess his car is working--which makes me assume he's not interested anymore. He had said that nothing could keep him from me except the car not running...so I'm still holding out hope he'll text me tomorrow and say he's still coming on Saturday, but at this point, I haven't heard from him all week except the one time I texted him. --sigh--I'm very sad, this was a good guy, I still really like him. A lot. Oh well. :`/

Mickey has contacted me every single day this week but yesterday! He writes me in the wee hours of the morning when he gets home from work and he stays up till about 8 am his time and then says "goodnight" and then logs off and it's another 24 hours till I hear from him again. He got on his webcam! Mine wasn't working for whatever stupid reason--but I could see him! OMG I haven't seen his face since August 9th last year when he came to visit. He looks as hot and sexy as always. His hair is short, but not as short as I'd imagined (like a buzz-cut). I was longish around his face, jet-black and he looked really really cute. That disarming smile. Soooo wicked. Dimples and perfectly white and straight teeth. I think all the time about posting a pic of him on here so you could all see him. But--I can't do that. DAMN!!! Maybe some day I'll come out of the proverbial closet and post all my gorgeous men and ladies on here!

Anyway--tee hee--I got sidetracked there for a second---nothing really erotic happened except Mickey was in these boxers he was proud to show off to me--and then took his penis out and flipped it around for me, laughing and being silly the whole time. It was erotic and hilarious at the same time. Then he just pushed it back in his boxers and sat back down on the couch. It was fun. I love that side of him, the silly, mischievous kid. We just chatted then about nothing I can remember--it was just so nice seeing his face again after almost a year.

He told me he was living with his girlfriend, but had JUST broken up with her. He said, and I quote, "so you can come see me now." Yes, he actually said that. Then I said, "or you come here? I'll let you drive my car!" For you new readers, he loves loves loves my car. (I can't tell you what it is. I have to stay anonymous or I'll have to stop writing.)  He said, "I WILL see you again." yay! I love that I'm first on his mind again. For now.

He's so far away, and I'm lonely and horny now, and I'm frustrated with all these guys who tell me how "hot" I am but just fade away after a few days of texting and exchanging pictures. WTF?? Am I scaring them all away?? My hubby says it's cuz I'm married. They're afraid of The Husband. I guess I have to remember that it's unusual what we do and who we are, and most people think it's weird.

But the thing is, I'm honest and straightforward on my website and I never lie about being married, or that I'm in love with my husband. And that we are swingers, and that although we love threesomes we do allow each other "hall passes" as it were. The guys I talk to always say they don't care, that it doesn't matter, but when it comes time to pin them down for a date, they disappear. It gets so annoying.

I've got so many phone numbers in my cell now I get the guys mixed up. Seriously!! One night I thought I was writing Nico and I was writing a guy I didn't want to have anything to do with. His profile pic was hot but then when we started texting he sent a pic that I didn't care for at all. This happens ALL THE TIME.  VERY ANNOYING!!!! Anyway, I'd say that at any given moment, I've got about 3-5 guys I'm trying out to see if any of them are willing to follow through on their promises.

I'm very picky about who I sleep with. I'm not a sex addict. I'm a love addict. I love the attention, I love the compliments and I love knowing that they're thinking about me. I love knowing that I'm wanted and sought after. When the texts stop coming, it's painful for me and hard for me to just switch it off. I don't give just anyone my number--I get about 25 new messages a day and believe me, I hardly ever write anybody back. So when I do, I mean business. I will show up and sleep with them--if they'd fucking show up!!!!

I'm very tired and sad about Nico's apparent change of heart right now. My hubby has also been out of town for nearly a week and I am lonely and exhausted from work. Nico's been stringing me along for going-on  3 weeks now with the whole  car not working bit and I know I will be sooo sad and disappointed if he doesn't write me tomorrow and tell me he's coming to see me. I will be trying my damndest not to write him first. I'm sure I'll fail at it.

I guess that's it for now.

Bleh.

Same old song and dance--Mickey's back

Mickey is back in my life! According to him, he was never out! He had no idea what I was talking about.

I stay invisible on yahoo messenger a lot, hoping to see that little yellow circle next to his name, which indicates he's online. Remember i googled him and saw he was online playing video games? Yes, I haven't forgotten that. WELL-------yesterday morning, I saw it. The little yellow circle. My heart started pounding and for a moment wasn't going to write him. What the hell, I thought, I'm used to the abuse, I'm sure he won't write me back. He did. The usual, "Hey! What's up?" as if no time had passed. 

He seemed the same old Mickey, just work and struggling to pay his bills. He said he was seeing someone, and teased me they were talking about getting married. As I was choking on his words, he wrote, "j/k---had you worried there huh?" I teased him again about having his baby and what cute kids we'd make and how we are destined to end up together somehow. He agreed. It was fun, it was just like it always is with him.

So I was still in shock, my heart still pounding, wondering, WTF? Jeez get a load of this! He said he never got any of my messages (even the last one, where I said, "Why are you such an asshole!!!") lol I told him, "I wrote you a dozen messages over the last month. You never got any of them?" "nope", he said. Here's why--he said he was robbed. He was in the shower, and he heard his door slam while he was in there. He ran out and realized his phone, wallet, and computer were gone. 

He said he just put this computer together. I believe him because he told me and showed me how he put his iphone 4 together--he'd wanted the white one and bought pieces to it online and put it together. He's handy with computers, he really is, so anyway, he was on iChat and on his webcam and wanted me to get on mine. Unfortunately, yesterday is my busiest day of the week and couldn't. He desperately wanted me to get on with him, and how I wish I could've. 

When I got home from work, he wrote me again. HE WROTE ME FIRST! yes, I know that hardly ever happens and when it does it makes me happy. He was begging me to get on my webcam together but I couldn't. I was having dinner with my family and just not the right time. He was teasing me, telling me what he was wearing, and what he was going to do for me. It was so fun, we were connecting again.

I was disappointed but hey, I'm a patient gal, leave him wanting me. hee hee

Earlier when we were chatting, he'd said he'd cut all his long black hair off! He had said some time back he was going to---I wanted to see how he looked sooo bad. He had confided in me he was really a blonde and had been dyeing it! With his amazing blue eyes I bet he looks good anyway. He said he cut it for work when he got his promotion and all, but he missed his long hair and is trying to grow it out. 

The other thing he said was that he wanted me to fly out to see him, but now he's seeing someone. I took that opportunity to tell him about Nico. I didn't say much, cuz I know how jealous he gets, but I did say that I was seeing someone who reminded me a lot of him and treats me the way I wanted you to treat me. 

If given the chance, I'd tell him more. Sometimes he asks questions about the guys I'm seeing and gets real curious. I know he'd feel threatened by Nico if he knew more. How he and I are Facebook friends, and I'm not his dirty little secret. How he makes me feel the way Mickey used to make me feel. How I trust him more than him, and I haven't even met him yet. 

I'm surprised that I'm not in the least jealous or curious about the girl he's seeing. I know he will tire of her and come back to me. He hurts everyone who cares about him. I feel so much better about him now--I really don't care what he does. It's been more than 8 years we've known each other, and it's taken me this long to see the pattern. I'm the only one left standing, time and again, and he always comes back to me. 

At this point, I'm happy to have him back in my life, but I feel differently than i thought I would. This time, I have no expectations for his behavior. He pops in, he pops out. But I guess he never stops thinking of me either. I'm soooooo glad I met Nico, and that my life is moving forward here. I'm not living in the past anymore, nor living in some fantasyland where Mickey moves here and we live happily ever after. I know now it'll never happen, and so I don't think about it anymore. 

Yes, of course that's what I truly want, but I feel free of that fantasy now. I have completely stopped asking him to move here. It has to come from him, from a deep longing for me and a better life than the one he's living 1800 miles away from me. I can't force it. I feel really free. I can love him and have him pop in and pop out, and I think I get him now. He's a bit of a drama queen, there's always a broken or stolen phone or computer. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. He's a squirrel trying to get a nut--he's a hard worker but the rest of his life is so chaotic. He makes poor choices a lot and he's really immature--I didn't realize it until I met Nico, who's younger than Mickey. Jake too, and Danny, these guys are 18 and 19 and have their shit together more than Mickey. I will always love him, and he knows all he has to do is snap his fingers and I'll come running.

Who knows? Maybe that's not true anymore. 

On second thought, it's not.

A new hottie for me!! yay!!!!

Ah, I love you my readers! Thank you for the prodding. I know I'm behind again--I had a house full of guests from out of state--NO unfortunately not the kind I was hoping for LOL but got my house back so now I have my privacy again. A lot has happened so I need to get this blog updated.

First of all, my plan to meet Jake was interesting! We had rented a houseboat the day of his concert, and we didn't get there till his band was playing like the last 5 minutes of their last song!! I was so bummed but glad I got to see him play a little. He's the drummer, and he was playing shirtless (--sigh--so yummy) and his band was actually pretty good. When the song ended, he tossed his drumsticks into the crowd, it was so rocker-esque I had to laugh.  Their were a few hundred people there, and a bunch of teen girls in the band's logo T-shirts, it was cute. They had groupies! I felt out of place, but I was determined to see him.

They were busy packing up, and I went around backstage to the exit door, hoping to catch him. It was blocked off. I couldn't get through. I realized I had to give up my fantasy of seeing him. He was there, I was there, it had been over a month, and I hadn't heard a peep out of him. My common sense knew I should just walk away and let it go. I looked good, I wanted him to see me, I wanted him to know I came to support him and his band, but it looked like it wasn't going to happen.  My hubby gave me a hug and said he was sorry it turned out this way. So I did--I walked away.

We went to get something to eat, and i just couldn't stop thinking about how many thousands of people were at this music festival--and how he and I were here, but not together. I really was missing him. I didn't even want to be there anymore. He was my reason for going. I couldn't help but scan the crowd for his face as we walked. And lo and behold, there he was!! He was standing in the middle of where everyone was walking, talking to his guitarist and a girl. I literally stopped dead in my tracks and went over to them. He was wearing a purple t-shirt and jeans and he looked as amazing as I'd remembered.

"Hi there!" I said to him, and I'm sure my knees were wobbly. The three of the stopped talking and just stared at me. Jake looked like a fucking deer in the headlights. He liked, bobbed his head back in disbelief. I said, "You guys were awesome!!" (he didn't need to know I only heard 5 minutes!!!) He said, "you saw us??" and I said, "I told you I bought tickets, remember?" he said, "WOW you came!" like he was happy. He outstretched his arms wide and smiled at me. "C'mere! he said and gave me a huge hug. It was wonderful.

After we hugged, he introduced me to the guitarist (don't remember his name) and the girl was his GF. He was very nice, she was cold as ice, staring at me like I was an enemy. The guitarist was super outgoing and friendly; I can't remember now what he was saying but as he was talking I was thinking, damn, this guy is HOT! And he's nice to me! The whole meeting lasted like, 3 minutes. I was happy I saw Jake, and I knew I looked hot, tan and thin and my hair looked good, makeup and all. I had primped just for him--I had fantasized about this moment for a whole month. I said something about nice meeting you to the guitarist and his GF and looked at Jake and said it was nice seeing him. He gave me another hug---initiated BY HIM MIND YOU and I said a sexy "bye" and waved and walked away. I have still not heard a peep from him.  Which I expected--but STILL. I sent him 2-3 pics of him and his band I'd taken while they were performing and thought I'd at least get a "thank you" but nah, nothing. Oh well. He's only 19 (just had a birthday) so who knows. My band is going to play this festival next summer so things will heat up, I just know it. I'm going to have our manager book our bands together ;)

Mickey is completely out of the picture now. Not returning any of my text or responding to any of my yahoo messenger texts. I saw him online a few times but nothing. I finally told him, "I don't know what's going on with you--but I'm here. I love you and all the ignoring in the world won't change that." That was 2 weeks ago. I googled him--yep, needed to know WTF?? Is he dead somewhere??? and it turns out he's online like 24/7 playing those stupid video games. "Black Ops" or what-the-fuck who gives a shit??? If he'd rather play video games than talk to me fuck him. I don't give a fuck. It's easy to let him go. I don't come second to a fucking video game.

I was trying to get him to text me back. What's worked in the past is when I'd say, "are you upset with me?" he'd always write back, "no, just busy sweety." this time nothing. And after I met Jake, I told him, "I met someone....." and he wrote back, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!! say it isn't so!!!" But this time, no response. Hmmm. I guess the GF is checking his texts and he's on a tight leash. I'm going to just sit this boy out for awhile. He always comes back. That I can count on--Mickey ALWAYS comes back.

Of course--it's easier to let him go now cuz there's someone new in the picture.....someone who I can't believe I actually told him about this blog and he's reading it! He loves it, but i feel like I can't talk about him knowing he's reading it. I will say this for you readers---he is everything so far that I used to get from Mickey. Back in the day, when he'd text me all day long, or text me back immediately when I'd text him. Mickey used to make me feel soooo wanted, so loved, so needed. And Nico, as I will call him, is doing that for me now. We "met" on that dating website 2 weeks ago. He contacted me. He wrote me the sweetest message. Most guys just say things like, "You're beautiful. I have a big cock, do you want to suck it?" and totally grosses me out. Nico didn't write anything like that. He did compliment me which was sweet and told me about himself. Honestly?? Between his pics and his profile, he is so much like Mickey it's eery. They both have a lot of tattoos and gauged ears and both are young (Nico is only 21! Mickey is 26) but the similarities are numerous. But of course, Nico is not Mickey. Nico is mature for his age and treats me so much better. I've known Mickey 8 years now, and he treats me like shit.

I haven't even met Nico yet! We had plans to meet last Saturday night but he said he had car trouble. I didn't believe him at first cuz I've heard it before. But I do now. I saw that he'd written it on his Facebook page. Yes, we are even Facebook friends. Mickey would never accept me. I was his dirty little secret. I feel like I'm healing through Nico.

We Skyped a few nights ago---WOW readers you MUST try it!! It's soooo fun!! I was so nervous at first, and for some reason my stupid webcam wouldn't work but I got to watch Nico jerk off for me. It was soooo exciting! OMG I was totally turned on! It was a shame he couldn't watch me cuz I couldn't help but touch myself watching him! It was fun seeing him as if I was right there. He's cute and sexy and so sweet. He lives so far away though--about 2-1/2 hours--but he seems unaffected by it. He said he's getting his car fixed and plans to come see me next weekend. So, we'll see, I'm not jaded but it's hard to get my hopes up.

Thankfully, my band is going well, although we lost another bass player. We're auditioning more this week but it's frustrating. We are ready to gig and we lose momentum and time. Between my job as a bartender and the band, I'm finally happy here. I am happy when I hear from Nico, he always makes my day that's for sure. Did I mention I have a huge crush on him???

OMG I totally forgot to mention my hubby has a new hottie too! She's someone he used to work with with his old company. She was just an hourly and of course he was the vice president, so they hardly had any contact. She found him out of the blue on FB and she lives in another state, but she's had the hots for him bad! I've been texting her--guess she's bi--and she thinks I'm gorgeous and she looks like a Suicide Girl--green eyes and black hair and tattoos--SHE'S gorgeous! She may come visit us. The girl we had a threesome with a few months ago wants to come visit too. Not sure how I'm feeling about that. She's the one I freaked out on, but we've been texting and things are good.

Whew! That was a lot to get caught up on. Let me know what you think my dear readers. I love your comments and emails--and thanks for the Skype offers you devislish nasty male readers out there! hahha That's just for Nico.

Have a great day everybody!!!

Love,
Anna XOXOXOX

Mickey's version

Ok so I decided I wasn't done. Who knows if I'll ever be done with him. I decided to just pretend I didn't see her video and just go on as usual. So, I texted him. A LOT. Yesterday I just decided to lamblast him with texts. How could he just ignore me? I was having fun. I thought, Fuck her, fuck you, I'm going to get you in trouble. Poke him till he pops. No response until I said, "well, I guess you're not talking to me suddenly, don't know why."  He texted me, "sorry, I've just been real busy." Yeah, busy fucking your EX-GF, busy working with her and LIVING with her!! Said he's ok, just "all work and no play." Am I seriously supposed to believe this? I'm laughing inside reading it. I told him, "can you get a couple days off and come visit?" He said, "not at the moment. I have no roomie so I'm kinda short on cash", then went on to tell me how he almost had to get rid of his phone but cancelled his internet instead. I said, "so, you live alone? Hmm, must be rough." (meaning financially). He said, "no, LOL I love it!" I told him, "ok, I'll come see you then. I'll stay at your place and cook for you." He said, "sorry, I wouldn't have any time for you." I said, "you seriously work that much?" and he said, "yeah, sorry."

He didn't text after that. I wrote a few texts, asked him, "no time for a gf?" and "do you miss me?" and no replies. I said, "I don't miss you!" then sent "LOL" so that's where it stands. He denies it, and I'm left thinking, could she have a different boyfriend who works at a pizza place--all the time??? My girlfriend was furious at me for thinking so. She is tired of me having my head in the sand. I know she's right. I'm 1800 miles away, he can tell me anything he wants. And vice versa. I should start making up lies as well.

I'm hoping to see Jake this week! My hubby has suggested I get a room and spend the night with him! He's a 2 hr drive away so that might be fun.....

Speaking of hubby, we are doing great. He had another girl after him, another former co-worker who contacted him (we'll call her Annie) and they had some sexy texting going on. I was actually ok. Turned me on actually. So that's good.

That's all for now. Hope you're all having a good week and if you're reading this, I'd love to hear from you.