Catching up

This will be the most honest blog post I've ever written.

I haven't written anything here since November....????!! I guess you can say I've been a bit busy.

I'm still seeing "James", who I will call "Jesus" going forward bc that's my nickname for him with my friends bc well, he looks like Jesus. Long flowing black hair, bright blue eyes, perfect white teeth and the one-inch or so full beard. He's truly beautiful.

It's been 4-1/2 months we've been seeing each other now, and my life has completely turned upside down. We began seeing each other every Thursday night and with the exception of last night, I've spent the night with him every single Thursday night since we met November 7th.

My hubby hasn't dealt with this well at all (understandably).

In the poly community, they'd call what I have with Jesus "NRE" or "new relationship energy" which is something to be "managed". So for the last four and a half months, I've been head-over-heels for this new guy, and my marriage has taken quite a beating. My husband and I have fought nearly every single day. For a guy that is never jealous, this has caught him quite by surprise.

Early on, things came out of my mouth that shocked the both of us. I said things like, "if you make me choose between you or Jesus, I will choose Jesus." After 26 years of marriage??? Yes. I truly felt that way.

And I still do. How the fuck can he possibly stay with me?

I think he just knows me better than I know myself. I think he knows it's some sort of mid-life crisis. I mean come on. My boyfriend is 26 years old. I'm twice his age. It can't "go" anywhere. He wants a wife and kids someday. And he should have that.

And yes, he calls me his girlfriend. I love it. He even commented on a coffee cup I have that says, "good morning gorgeous" that it was "trying to steal my girlfriend" haha. So cute.

We are in love. I said it to him first, and he says it back now. I told my husband I'm not in love with him anymore. But I DO still love him. But not the way he deserves to be loved.

We've almost split up several times now. We've had the most ferocious arguments. He's tried harder than anyone else ever would to tolerate this behavior of mine and try to ride it out. Sometimes he's done quite well while I was staying overnight at Jesus' house, and other times, he would panic and freak out, calling me, or smashing something at home, or getting black-out drunk to try to cope. Once a couple weeks ago we were on a double date with him and he got so verbally and physically abusive he was thrown out of the club. Jesus told me he "never wanted to see his face again". My best girlfriend is done with him too. And me?? I was done and made him sleep in the guest room. And then I took him back two days later.

He begged for a second chance, which actually, is a third chance (bc of the cheating). I felt like the marriage deserved it. And he does too. He's so remorseful, he totally owns how he behaved. But I had to make him see that just bc I will forgive him doesn't mean my boyfriend or best friend will. He says he was black-out drunk and barely remembers it, but he doesn't minimize its effect on us.

And now Jesus won't come to my gigs. And husband knows it's bc of him being in the band. He feels terrible about it but it is what it is.

I went and looked at an apartment and told Jesus all about it. At the time I saw it, I had every intention of moving there alone. I was so hurt and angry at my husband for his behavior. Since then he's worn me down and made me feel compassion instead of anger. It's bc he just kept so many emotions and jealousy under the surface and seeing the two of us together just boiled over for him he said.

"It's still no excuse" he says. He is taking ownership of it. But I can't get his mean angry face out of my head. The finger in my face saying, "FUCK YOU"  over and over again. Pushing me. Seeing my boyfriend jump off a barstool to defend me.

So here we are now, boyfriend and I are doing quite well but something is off. I had to tell him I was giving my husband another chance. I can't lie or pretend I'm divorcing him if I'm not. And it seems he may be pulling back. Our sex life isn't what it used to be. Other than that little thing LOL our relationship seems perfectly fine. My husband went out of town for work this week and I had Jesus over for 3 days. We didn't even leave the house one day. We laugh and talk and cuddle and get along so well, but not enough sex tbh. I have been trying to get up the courage to ask him about it but have failed. The night I was going to try we both got stoned and drunk (kind of what we do lately) and he waxed poetic about how he loves me and told all his friends about me and how they all want their own "MILFY" (his nickname for me). How I take such good care of him. How happy he is. How he'd "do anything" for me.

And he's sooooooo affectionate. He is very gentle and kind and I've never seen him upset or complain about anything. We are twins that way. We really are so much alike. Even when my husband was in his face he just said, "Dude, go home". He said he really wanted to punch him but he wouldn't do that bc of me. And my husband yelled to him, "SHE LOVES YOU. SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME. YOU CAN HAVE HER!!" and that he wants a divorce. He says he doesn't want one so why would he say that? Bc he was "trying to get my attention." He sure got it alright.

So idk really what I want---my husband and I both drank the Poly kool-aid through and through and I just don't know if I can manage two relationships at the same time. I think for it to truly work you have to feel the same way about both people. I don't. And that's where my husbands' jealousy comes from. He knows I don't feel the same way about him anymore.

Will I ever?? Things are better right now. We even had sex. But he said I was crying for Jesus the whole time. How sad and pathetic is that?? What the fuck. I do know this partying is getting out of control. It's fun until it isn't.

We are both in therapy and I've called a couple's counselor my therapist recommended but she's out on surgery leave and we are getting impatient. I don't know what's going to happen. I really can't think properly anymore. There's so much drama and emotion going on 24/7.

We are going to Singapore next week. My husband has factories there and I'm tagging along finally. He wanted to get a ticket for Jesus and I just thought it was a bad idea. It was a very hard decision but I still think it was for the best. I will have one day on my own there as well as a 15 hour flight home. I need the alone time to think about what I want.  I am looking forward to the trip and when I get back, hubby will still be gone for an additional 4 days I can have Jesus over.

Anyways, this is why you haven't heard from me for awhile. Things have been so crazy. I'm very happy, happier than I've been in a long time, and it hurts so much to know I'm causing my husband so much pain.

Will keep you posted.

Love always,
Anna xoxoxoxox