Uh oh, guess who's back

Hello all you sexy readers! I'm sorry I haven't had much to write about lately, and we are both suffering from a dry spell LOL UNTIL THIS WEEK!!!

WOWZA have I got news for you!

Mickey is back!!!

I knew he would be eventually. This time it took 14 months. I woke up around 5 am two days ago to go to the bathroom and saw the name on my cell phone. I gasped, I literally gasped. I stared at it; I just couldn't believe it. His name on my cell phone; a private message sent to my Facebook. I was so excited I grabbed my glasses and opened the message. It was a simple, "Hey! How have you been?" The profile pic attached to the message was just a black square. Curious, I clicked on it to see his Facebook page, which I guess if I had been stalking him like I used to, I'd have already known that he and his GF had broken up and clearly it wasn't his idea. His page is mostly private so there's not much I could see except a comment about the black picture and how he's "moving on."

WOW.

I just sat there, incredulous. I didn't respond. I just went back to bed and pondered about having Mickey back in my life.

If I had any sense, I'd have ignored the message and/or deleted it. But I don't have any sense when it comes to Mickey. I knew at 5 am I was royally screwed.

So in the last two days, we've texted about a hundred texts and HE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT!! He was delivering pizzas, just like the olden days. It was surreal. It was amazing hearing his voice. He has changed; he seems easier to talk to and he's more responsive, but it's still way too soon to know for sure what he wants. He's not even flirting with me; it seems like right now he just wants a friend but I am not interested in being his friend. He told me all about his breakup with his GF, that he's "still in love with that girl" but she's clearly dumped him and moving to Arizona to go to school. I can't believe she's dumping him now. I had to ask him--so, do you remember those last emails you sent me? He said yes. I said cautiously, "so, I'm guessing she found out about me?" and he said yes. I said, "and she forgave you?" He said 'Yes", and went on to explain that they were really happy and he didn't see the breakup coming. He said something vague about "she was mad at me" but that's all. He said that they hadn't been living together most of the time--I wanted to ask about her "in a domestic partnership" relationship status on her Facebook but then he'd know I stalked her so I didn't mention it. Guess it doesn't really matter at all anyway.

He texted me again at midnight, wanting to face time but I had been sound asleep (hubby too) and so I said I could only text. I reminded him we are 2 hours ahead. He apologized and said, "Ok, well I'll text you tomorrow" and I said, "I can text now" and we did for over an hour. He started talking about coming here, not just to visit but to MOVE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was stunned. He said repeatedly, "I'm single now. I have nothing holding me here anymore. I can go anywhere I want. I have been wanting to get away." And then the convo went specific--he wanted to know the name of the town I live in so he could Google it. He obviously did, because he commented, "Now I know where to go to find a sugar mama." Yeah dope-head ME!!!!!!!!

He asked so many specific questions it was unreal. When we first moved here in fall of 2010, he started talking about moving here but it was always vague and back then, I pushed and pushed to get him to move here. Comparing the two, I realize that I wanted him here more than he wanted to be here, and now it's reversed!!! He is honestly, seriously considering it. He's looked up apartments, how to get his bartender's license, he asked about what it's like living here, it was surreal.

I flirted with him a couple times. I told him in a text that I'd had an erotic dream about him and he never responded. So when I got the chance,  I asked him about it. I asked what he thought of it and he said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to say something. I was surprised that you did." I said, "Why's that?" He said, "We haven't talked in a long time." Hmmm duh but did he forget we had quite a history together??! That was disappointing.

I do plan on being more up-front and direct with him as time passes. I am not going to play cat and mouse with him again. I know he's recovering from a broken heart and that's good. He treated her like shit and she is done with him. I am insanely curious for details, and before I let that man back into my bed I am going to really talk to him this time. No holding back.

I need to remind him how badly he treated ME too. How much he hurt me. How lucky he is that I really do love him, always have, and always forgive him even if he doesn't deserve it. How I always take him back, and remind him, how he always comes back to me. We always go back to each other. The day I told my husband I wanted a divorce, who did I text immediately??? Mickey.

And who did he text when his relationship ended? ME.

I don't want to continue having the kind of relationship with him we've had in the past, and by that I mean mostly sexual and not much else. He always kept me at arm's length, he even said to me once that he didn't want to tell me things about him, and so I knew my place. I was not much more than a sexual partner and it was my own fault for getting my feelings hurt. He used me and I fell in love, so that's no one's stupid fault but my own. Of course, I didn't know he had a GF and was cheating on her with me. He needs to know how wrong that was and how much it upset me.

So before he comes here, I will be asking him to tell me what he's planning. Because as much as I fantasize about being with him again, I know that I am treading in very deadly waters.

By the time we'd finally said "goodnight", I had told him I have a boyfriend here. I don't really anymore; Allen stopped texting but Jake still texts and sends me sexy pics. In fact, he was out of town all alone in a hotel room last week and horny as hell, sending me the NASTIEST pics I've ever gotten. My favorite one he's holding his cell phone so I could see his huge hard dick and the sexy smirk on his face while he's holding it (his dick) for me to see. I haven't actually seen Jake in more than a year but that sexy 20-year old adores me and begs me to come see him. He's in Chicago, which is about 90 min away and although not really that far, it just involves a night's stay in a hotel and really good planning so my daughter doesn't wonder where the hell Mommy is!! LOL

So anyway, we texted "goodnight"; I sent an emoticon of a sexy pair of lips and said, "Goodnight sexy man, kisses" and he just said, "night". Hmmm.

I was so aroused I masturbated right then and there in the dark, under my covers, my sweet hubby quietly snoring next to me. I tried to fall asleep afterwards, and realized I was still really turned on and masturbated again! Then I fell asleep.

I am sooooo tired today. But happy.

Strip club fun

I've finally got something juicy to talk about! DAMN this fucking infidelity thing has SO messed up our sex lives. We are doing really well lately--we are starting to get back to some sexier behavior pre-d-day. We have been taking things really slowly--my Allen is back in my life and that's awesome but I am figuring out there's something really odd about him and I think as much as I'm attracted to him, we are very mis-matched. For example, my H and I went to a strip club last night with a group of our friends and I texted him we were there. We were all very drunk and turned on--we found out a girl in our group--one of my co-workers who's 24 and beautiful and just broke her engagement to a really great guy--likes women! So we bought her a private lap dance with one of the strippers. We made her tell us which stripper she liked best--hehehe--it was such naughty fun! I wasn't jealous of my H at all. It was a turn-on actually. Anyway, I'll talk about that later but I texted Allen and told him what we were up to and his response was so annoying I decided I'm done with him. Verbatim, here's what he said--"What are you doing at one of those disease nests? I hate strip clubs."

Yeah. That's what I thought too.

What kind of 27-year old guy DOESN'T like strip clubs???? COME ON!!! THE WOMEN ARE GORGEOUS, HALF-NAKED AND WRITHING IN FRONT OF YOU. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?????

If you are a guy and you can't stand strip clubs, would you please tell me why?? It saddens me that he is not more open-minded. I know there are a lot of women out there that hate them--they say things like they feel bad for the dancers, it's pathetic, makes them feel jealous, etc. but for a GUY not to like them? 

When I was in my 20's and was with my asshole ex, I used to be SO insecure and when I found out he went to a strip club I was beside myself with anger, jealousy and rage. It made me feel like I was chopped liver. Now that I'm older and wiser, I know better and I see strip clubs completely differently than I used to. These women are strong and beautiful and sexy, and they smell amazing!! Every stripper there gently and seductively put their breasts in my face and they were soft and sweet and I could've fallen in love with any and all of them. There wasn't a thought in my mind about "disease". Jeez Louise. 

There was one girl who was amazing on that pole, let me tell you. She went all the way up to the top, hung herself upside down, and dropped like lightning headfirst and stopped just inches from the ground, her long blonde hair barely scraping the floor. She cascaded around and around, spinning upside down like a top, then pulled herself upright fast as lightning. She was amazing. Only her and one other girl were capable of really working that pole like that; the slightly overweight girls just danced around the pole and couldn't do the gymastics and of course we tipped the more-skilled girls more. As I was watching them, I was not grossed out or thinking they had "diseases". It was a very clean, nice club and the staff was attractive and the service was great so I don't get Allen's point of view, and honestly, I am really done with him. He is super hot too.

I hadn't seen him in awhile and my hubby was getting okay with me seeing him again, so we have been trying to hook up. With the kids out of school for summer, it hasn't worked out so far, but ironically, I was in his city last week (about 15 miles from me in a part of town I don't usually go to) and texted him. He thankfully wanted to see me so we arranged to meet at a grocery store nearby! I had my daughter and a friend of hers with me--I took them to this fun trampoline place in his town--so I had to be strategic. After they were done jumping they were hungry so I dropped them off at Taco Bell and since I had to go to the store anyway, drove over to it (it was just across the parking lot) and told Allen where I was. I was nervous and excited to see him and it felt just like when I used to go visit Mickey at the grocery store he worked at. I was in produce, just like old times to see Mickey LOL and lo and behold, Allen came up behind me and touched me while he simultaneously picked up one of the avocados in the bin I was looking at and spun around and gave me a wicked smile. He got contacts, thank God, got rid of those awful glasses of his and his blue eyes just looked devilish. I realized how much I missed him. Damn, what a hottie. We flirted and joked, walking over to the soda section so he could get a Rockstar drink and hide from the other shoppers. He didn't even kiss me, just talked about his new job and shit and I knew we only had a couple minutes and I had to go get the girls. I realize I don't listen to anything he says cuz all I'm thinking is sex--"kiss me asshole" or something like that. Blah blah blah. Finally I saw my daughter and her friend enter the store so we parted ways. Very unfulfilling. I had fantasies of some making out in the car or shit, even the soda aisle but NO.

I texted him a few days later with two opportunities for him to come see me and have sex with me. He had excuses each time. Now with his remark about the strip club, I'm done. Either he's changed his mind about me--perfectly acceptable--I get it--or he just really doesn't like sex that much. Either way, I'm done. I'm not going to text him anymore and see if he puts forth any effort. I'm looking for a new BF.

And I thought I found someone--a cutie named Eli who is only 18 ("I'm going to be 19 soon!") who found me on cougarlife who I last texted months ago and said I wasn't seeing anyone. So I started writing him and he was like, "ooo girl where you been?? I want you SO bad" and sent me face pics and a dick pic (of course) and then when I said, "hey I'm free tonight let's get together" I fucking never heard back.

Yeah.

Happy Monday all you sexy motherfuckers out there.

Does anyone believe in "happily ever after" anymore??

Good morning sexies!

My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.

Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity??? 

I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.

In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.

I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.

I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.

I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.

Love you all, gotta run. 

Anna 
XOXO

Monogamy sucks!

Jeez has it really been three months since I've written a post here? God I'm so sorry my sexy friends. My life really hasn't been very exciting in so long and I have always been 100% honest on here. I'm not going to start making shit up just so I have something to post. If it ain't happening, I'm not writing about it. Sad. It sucks.

My sexy boyfriend Allen still texts me from time to time. He's amazing. He refuses to date anyone but me, and I'm SO off the radar right now. I don't know if I'll ever have sex with him (or anyone but my hubby) ever again. We are in such a weird state with our marriage right now. I'm not really liking it. I miss how my boyfriends used to make me feel so sexy. I have gained a few pounds (I'm about 128 and at 5-2, I need to be at least 120) so I'm not happy about that. I have gained a lot of muscle now that I'm boxing, so that's good. I look pretty toned and solid; I'm really hoping I'll get that sexy core that I see in pics of sexy female boxers. I love boxing; it makes me feel so strong and sexy and let me tell you, there ain't nothing like finding out your husband's cheated on you with three women to feel like shit about yourself. I have definitely lost my mojo. I feel like I'm really trying to put myself back together again, but there are pieces missing so I have to create a new me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

When I left my first husband (23 years ago after a brief marriage without kids) I never went through this whole "redefining myself" thing. I wanted out. It wasn't easy leaving him only because I was so used to clinging to someone for survival, even if they were abusing me because I didn't know how to be alone.
I did rather well rather quickly; it was so nice to not have to feel like everything I did was wrong for once in my life. I blossomed. I did change my name; but mostly because I was so disgusted that I allowed myself to be abused and was afraid he'd come after me. I also thought if I changed my name, I'd become someone else. I didn't really; it was actually hard to change my name and embarrassing cuz people were like, "okaaaaaay...."

So I've been this new name for 23 years now and sometimes it's still weird. BUT.....now I've got to reinvent myself again. I totally get it now when I read about celebrities "reinventing" themselves. I've done it before and now I've got to do it again. Because there comes a time when what you've been doing isn't working anymore, and big changes are what's needed to fix the problems. 

I miss the sex with other guys. I miss Jake the most; he's touring with his band and I love knowing he's thinking of me. In my most narcissistic moments I read the words to his bands' songs and wonder if the ones about "missing the one that got away" I always secretly hope it's about me. I know he does a lot of the songwriting and it's exciting knowing that he absolutely crazy about me. Did I mention he is barely 19 years old???

Did you like the sexy pics of my men?? I miss them!!!! I miss my LA model/actor boy too....we did some nasty things together on Skype about a year ago and damn I wish I could've recorded it.....

Sigh. I just don't know where it's all headed.

Tarot anyone?

Sexual slump continues

Hello my dear readers! I haven't had much to write about these last few months so that explains the dry spell in posts. My hubby and I are working hard on our marriage. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this week and if y'all have been following my other blog you will remember that a year ago I screamed at him that I wanted a divorce and that "I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND". How far we've come.

We're doing pretty well. We had a nice long dinner out to celebrate our anniversary. It went amazingly well. He brought me a dozen red roses and wrote a beautiful letter to me. I wrote him a poem (I have a way with words LOL) and printed out a picture from our wedding day and framed it and decorated the frame. Somehow buying each other gifts didn't seem very appropriate.

We are closer but in a sexual slump. I don't know what's up with me. I'm just not in the mood. I do miss Jake badly lately and his attention is getting me riled up with excitement. Another hottie came out of the woodwork this week--a 22-year-old I "met" on Cougarlife but never hooked up with. That was fun flirting with him. I gotta figure out what's going on with me. My life is so crazy-busy there's no time to think. I try to meditate but I can't sit still.

Hope all is well with you hotties!

Sexy pics for you!

Good morning dear lovlies! Have you enjoyed the pics of my sexy men I posted just for you??? Aren't they delicious???? Feel free to leave me your comments!! And NO you cannot have their phone numbers!!!!

I still don't know when we will get to hook up though unfortunately. My hubby and I are still riding the fucking rollercoaster of his infidelities, and although things are going well, it is still too tenous to add other guys sadly. I do miss my hotties, but they have to be an addition to my life, not a substitute for my hubby. And right now we have to get solid before we go back to swinging again.

We do both miss it. It's just harder now. I'd be ok if he never wanted to be with another female, but how fair is that?? It's not, but hey, I didn't ask to be cheated on so that wasn't fair to ME. I allowed him to have HER but he lied and cheated on me behind my back about her so HE IS THE ONE THAT FUCKED IT ALL UP. 

I am working on me. We are talking more, counseling has been helping. I am trying to find my way. The cognitive dissonance of infidelity does SO much damage, if I can implore you all to be HONEST in every way with the significant other in your life. This whole notion of "trying to protect" them by withholding the truth only hurts worse when the truth finally comes out, and believe me, IT WILL COME OUT. It took 16 years for the truth of his first affair to come out, and it hurts worse and makes it that much harder to recover from. I look at him and wonder, "who the fuck is this person I've been married to all these years??" He's had this secret double life I had NO FUCKING IDEA about. Trying to rebuild trust is THAT much harder by his cowardice in not coming forward. 

If you've cheated on your significant other, I beg you to come clean RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. They deserve to know. They deserve to be able to make their own choices and not have you manipulate them to stay with you. That is honestly the hardest part--I hate my husband for not giving me the opportunity to decide  FOR MYSELF if I wanted to stay with a cheater. He manipulated me into staying for 16 years by withholding the truth from me. How can I ever forgive him for that?? And, in addition, I gave up my friends, my family, my life, my kids' friends and life, to move clear across the country for him. Yes, it's been a good move, but that is because THAT IS WHO I AM. I MAKE THE BEST OF IT. I have moved with him over 8 times during our marriage, and if I'd known he'd cheated on me maybe I'd have divorced him 16 years ago. Or three, after the second affair. HE CHEATED ME OUT OF MAKING CHOICES.

So I implore you to remember this quote from survivinginfidelity.com---"The truth hurts, but lies hurt more."

Enjoy you life by living authentically.

Go and be happy my sexy readers.

Sexy skaterboy is back

Hello all my sexy readers! How are you all doing??? I am sure you are all having way more sex than I am these days. Yep, me and the hubby are still in a funk. It sucks. And it seems the cuties are coming out of the woodwork too. 

I got a random "hey" text from someone I had forgotten; someone I haven't met but have previously exchanged lots of sexts from. I'll call him Damien. He is 26 and lives in Chicago and OMG what a hottie!! Cute skaterboy. Wears his ballcap sideways and his jeans low. I swear I should crop out his face and post his pic with his sexy body for you so you don't think I'm making this shit up.

I have gotten some more sexy pics from Jake as well. Two sexy Chicago boys and who knows when the fuck I'll ever hook up with them??? The whole "open marriage" thing is off the table right now and we can't even talk about it. My H is out of town for work and yeah, I could go and fuck these two hotties and not tell him like he did to me but I'm not that kind of person. So how is it he was...? It's maddening. No wonder we are stuck.

I miss my old life. I miss my sexy young hotties. I miss the way they made me feel. I can't in good conscience go and fuck them now. I deleted my Adult Friend Finder profile and my Cougarlife. They are GONE. I don't miss them...but I met both my Chicago boys on them so I know it was good for me there for awhile.

Sigh.

Enjoy the pics! Have a great day lovers.

Anna XOXOX

Catching up

Hello all you sexy lovelies out there! I wish I had some sexy stories to share. Sadly, I have none. Well, Valentine's day was a bit naughty as I got a pic from Jake that literally made me drool. I should post it on here--I should crop his face out of it and post it. It's a pic of him with just a button-down shirt on, unbuttoned and open, facing a bathroom vanity, holding his (ahem) 10-inch dick in his left hand. Scrubboard stomach. Sexy and skinny. Makes me squirm in my panties just thinking about it! (he is now almost 20 years old....yes, I fucked him when he was just 18). And what a great fuck he was. Yum yum yummy, I really do hope my H and I get things squared away so we can have some fun soon. We are in this awful no-sex dry spell that is not getting any better.

And my Allen texted me a sweet Valentine's Day rose. Yay! That was so sweet ;)

Hubby surprised me with a card that was so sweet it made my son's GF cry when she read it. It was awesome. He also gave me a new Mickey and Minnie Mouse stuffed couple (my favorites!) and cooked me an amazing lobster dinner with raspberry champagne. It was so sweet. He is really trying.

But no sex. I've had bronchitis and a fever and he just let me sleep. I wanted sex anyways; he didn't. I had even showered and put on a bra and panty set he'd given me.  Hmmm.

Weird that I still feel close to him. Guess that's good.

It's been so long now I'm finally starting to really miss it. That's a good thing. I hate dry spells, especially when they are because we are not getting along. He's on a business trip now and it's going ok. Hope I'm feeling better by the time he gets home so we can get our sexy on again. Him turning down sex? That's unusual. He said, "I'm not feeling sexy" and something about "how we related to each other sexually has changed." True. We are not involving other people right now. I'm not seeing anyone else and neither is he. Can we still be interested in each other???

I haven't heard a peep out of Mickey (not the mouse, the asshole) since that email July 31, 2012. I have stalked him and his GF online and he is completely off the map now. He has deleted me off his yahoo messenger, and he has deleted his facebook and every website he used to be on. He is completely offline. She isn't though, and I found a new website she's on that posts pics like Instagram but for iPhone users. It was hard seeing them; pics of him (only one of them together, in a canoe) but there's a pic of 5 red roses taken just 3 days ago, "from my sweet boyfriend". A pic taken from a text he'd sent her from his iPad. Little jokes between them. I shouldn't torture myself that way but I do. I do tell myself I'm better off without him and the truth is, I really don't miss him except once in a while. Guess today was that "once in a while" sort of day. Just curious how long he can keep this up.

I need to focus on ME and get my life together. I am living in the past and I'm stuck, stuck, stuck. My therapist says I'm still grieving the losses; I think he's right.  I'm sick of dealing with the aftershocks of his infidelity. If I choose to stay with him, which I have, I have to continue to deal with it. Some days are easier than others.

Sigh.

Nighty night friends. Hope you all are having lots of honest, protected sex! NO LIES!! NO CHEATING!!!

Jake's back!

Totally out of the blue and back in my life. Jake texts me every day. Sends me sexy pics and cute face and full body pics (in clothes). I feel like I'm his girlfriend. He says the sweetest things. He is amazing. We had a date for tonight--he said since I drove to Chicago to see him the last two times he'd drive here to see me. This is what he said: "I will absolutely drive out to you baby. You drove here twice for me. You can bring your hubby if you like." WOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But hubby and me had a bad night last night. Read the other blog if you want details. Suffice it to say, I cancelled my date with Jake and just told him I had to work late (partially true). I re-read what I'd written about our first night together just now and I really hope we can get together soon.

BTW did I mention my H found a girl he wants to have sex with (threesome) on AFF? She's really adorable. I may really be ok with this.

Pointing out the obvious

This post is in response to Anonymous' scathing attack on me and my blog. Ordinarily I'd just ignore it but I thought it a good idea to point out the similarities and differences between cancer survivors and infidelity survivors. Now, this is not an academic piece. I did not spend hours getting stats and evidence to support my opinions. These are based solely on my own experience, and like I mentioned before, my BFF who I will go into detail a little bit more.

She (I'll call her Betty) is 52. She was born in Indonesia and came to America as a toddler. She married at 18 and had cervical cancer at age 21 and was told she could never have children. Surprisingly she found herself pregnant with identical twin girls at age 34. She seemed to have an almost idyllic life. We were best friends; I was also pregnant with my first child soon after and we lived less than a mile from each other. Our husbands travelled with their jobs and we spent all our time together, helping each other raise our kids. She basically raised the twins alone as her husband was gone so much. 

Fast forward to five years ago. The twins were now 14 years old and Betty and her husband had been married thirty years. She had moved many times for his job and started over. The owned their business together and she was very involved in the company. She wasn't completely happy over the timespan but she is a very religious Christian and believes in staying married and working things out. A routine mammogram showed her to have stage 4 breast cancer in her right breast. She started chemotherapy to try to reduce the tumor to save her breast. Two days after her first chemo treatment, her husband said, "I'm outta here", and moved in with his administrative assistant. Yes, this "woman" she considered to be her friend and co-worker was fucking her husband. 

HE LEFT HER WHILE SHE WAS UNDERGOING CHEMO. AFTER 30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE. Not only that, but her daughters went to live with him and never returned to her. They are 19 now. He has turned them against her. He actually told them she had "fake cancer" just to manipulate him into giving her money (alimony).

Long long story short, she is now a 5-year cancer-free survivor. She has a cute one-bedroom apartment in California 3 miles from the beach and has an awesome job and boyfriend. She has turned her life around 1000% percent. I have been through hell and back with her and she with me. She is the one who made the parallel between cancer and infidelity since she has gone through both!! She discovered her husband had been cheating on her with her co-worker for more than a year prior to getting cancer. She also was able to find evidence of cheating that went back 10-15 years. 

In my experience (and through the friendship with Betty) here are a few of the similarities between cancer and infidelity:

1. You never forget the day you found out.

2. The date, the time of day, that moment is etched in your brain and heart forever and on its anniversary, you re-live the pain all over again. Forever.

3. You didn't ask for cancer or to be betrayed. You did nothing to cause it.

4. You know in your head it's not your fault but you can't  help but feel you did something to cause it. (My friend thinks all the Diet Cokes she drank to stay thin caused her cancer and I think if I had been a better wife/paid closer attention/fill-in-the-blank he wouldn't have cheated).

5. We get PTSD from the trauma. 

6. We get depressed. We withdraw from others to cope.

7. We believe we will die every day as we try to recover.

8. The triggers are everywhere. When you are having a good day, there's always a trigger to set you back. Betty tells me she hates the month of October with all the "breast cancer awareness" everywhere. She can't escape the horror and is reminded constantly, and of course, feels badly about it because at least people care and are trying to raise money for something she has suffered from. With infidelity, the triggers are everywhere as well. Our traumas often happened in our homes. Movies glorify affairs. Sometimes, the person who betrayed us leaves us and we are continually traumatized.

9. We feel so differently about ourselves. We lose self-esteem.

10. We are never really "cured". We can't stop looking over our shoulders for it to happen again.

11. It changes us forever. We talk about our lives as "BC"--before cancer and "BI"--before "it" (infidelity).

12. The pain is excruciating. 

13. We either die or get better. 

Differences:

1. With infidelity, our scars can't be seen. With cancer, they can. Betty had a bilateral breast removal.

2. With cancer, you tell everyone. Everyone sympathizes. No one brings soup to an infidelity survivor. We cope alone.

3. There are no fund raisers for victims of infidelity.

4. Chemo causes hair loss. I didn't lose my hair. Huge difference.

5. Admitting we are vicitms of infidelity is shameful. Admitting you have cancer isn't.

6. No one would ever accuse a cancer victim of being "self-indulgent" and "narcissitic".

Again, this is not all-inclusive. Again, this is not an academic piece. This is based on my own experiences and that of my friend Betty who's dealt with both. As you can see, off the top of my head, I came up with half as many differences as similarities. 

My point Mr. Anonymous (I'm assuming you are a male now, because I can't imagine a female with that kind of hatred and apathy) is that you have not displayed any kind of experience that validates your venom. If I am wrong, and either cancer or infidelity has touched you PERSONALLY, I encourage you to share your experiences with us here so we can better understand your position. If not, I encourage you to keep your mouth shut.

Random shit

I made a realization yesterday writing a new post for my other blog. I realized that THIS blog is written FOR YOU DEAR READERS. It has always been for YOU. My other blog has been only for ME, up until the first reader started commenting on my posts and how much I was helping her. We live thousands of miles away from each other and sadly will most likely never meet, but we have become close friends. Going through the trauma of infidelity has bonded us forever, and we help and support each other. I'll bet it's akin to the bond cancer survivors have with one another; thankfully I wouldn't know first-hand but my BFF is a 5-year breast cancer survivor and I see how she instantly bonds with other cancer survivors. The biggest differences between cancer survivors and infidelity survivors are first of all, they aren't ashamed to tell the whole world their triumphant story of survival. We are. I am extremely careful deciding who I can tell and who I can't. It is extremely shameful and social support for infidelity survivors is next to nill. Are there any fundraisers to help prevent infidelity? Hmmm, um, NO. Do you see a color devoted to the prevention and support of those affected by infidelity?? Again, no. 5K runs? T-shirts? No. But yet there is much in common between those affected by cancer and those affected by a spouse or significant other's infidelity.

Sorry to digress. My point is that in sharing our pain, not just our happiness, we bond with others. I have bonded more with you over my pain than the fun sex I'd been having. I am certain that the moment a person hears her doctor say, "It's cancer" has the same devastating effect as when infidelity is discovered or revealed. My BFF and I discuss it at length and she agrees it is equally devastating, or more so with infidelity. Sadly, she has suffered both, so she has become an unwitting expert on both topics.

I realized that the purpose of this blog has always been to entertain, and my other blog was to help myself heal. I didn't expect anyone else to ever read it; it has helped me keep my sanity and get to where I am now. I have always been aware that my lifestyle is titillating and secretive, and that's what made it so fun to write and share the details with you. I had no idea the sex stories about me and certain females were actually skanks that my husband had had affairs with. Discovering this nearly sent me to the loony bin. Naturally, I deleted those posts. I was physically ill just doing so. I was forced to look at the words I'd written, the sex I'd had with them, and the way my husband had lied and manipulated me into doing so. It was more than I could bear.

The so-called "anti-versary" of D-Day #1 is coming up in a few weeks. Just four days shy of my birthday. I have dreaded this day and the other D-day anti-versaries coming up. I had told my H (husband) that I was planning on going back to California and seeing my BFF to get through it. He has begged me not to. He said he'll take the day off to be with me. He said that even though it's not a day to celebrate, in a way it is to HIM, because we are still together, and he is eternally grateful to me for giving him a second chance. I have decided I will not go to California to run away from it.

We have been getting along very very well. I have gone on a half-dosage of my PTSD meds (Setraline, 25 mg from 50 mg) and although I haven't lost a pound, I am very relieved my obsessiveness hasn't returned like it did the first time I tried to reduce the dosage.

With a new year now, like most people, I always make resolutions, and I can never stick with them. I have found out that I probably have adult ADHD and am going in for testing next week! It explains so much about me that I don't like about myself and have been unable to fix my whole life. I stumbled across information about it just going online and pun intended, was distracted by a byline about "adult ADHD" and clicked on it. Like a huge fucking lightbulb going off!!! So just knowing this is probably true about me, I am instantly being more kind and compassionate with myself. Just cleaning my house, my desk, the laundry, it is all overwhelming to me and now I know why!! So I am doing so much better and feeling better about myself.

If you've read this far, you will be happy to read that this post does have sex in it!! YAY!!!

I have spent a lot of time with my BF Allen lately. Did I mention he is gorgeous???? And he's 27 years old!!!! About 6-2, long straight blonde hair (about chin length), blue eyes, sexy body. And he seems to like me. We just had our one-year anniversary! And remember, for about 6 months of it, we had nothing to do with each other because of the separation and problems with my marriage. He waited for me! Actually saw no one else the whole time. He came to the last 2 band performances we did. New Year's Even he rode in my car with me and stayed the entire show! He helped carry in equipment and we also got drunk together in between sets. He is a doll. He came home with me and we had a short but fun romp in the guest room bed, where my hubby secretly watched from the doorway without him knowing. It was awesome! But the problem is, he didn't cum, and neither did I. Once again, no orgasms. WTF???? He does have a smallish cock but it used to cum just nicely so I don't know what's going on. I am getting bored and annoyed and looking for a new boytoy.

I am off to therapy, and no, I have not told my therapist about my seeing another guy. He is of the clear mind that neither my H nor I are healthy enough or stable enough to handle having other people in our marriage and he is probably right, and I don't want to hear it. I know that's bad, but believe it or not, I'm fucked up enough in so many other ways, we have PLENTY to talk about and work on that has nothing to do with fucking other guys.

(A private note to "Anonymous" here--I didn't get to respond the way I wanted to, but just know that I agree with you now about anger and the one-year mark. I will write to you soon.)

I hope everyone reading this has a great year, and you can do that by BEING HONEST with yourself and everyone around you ALL THE TIME. Secrets kill. Live honestly or die in your lies, but don't make anyone else suffer for your sins.

Goodbye 2012, it was the shittiest year of my life. Here's hoping 2013 continues to be better.