Random shit

I made a realization yesterday writing a new post for my other blog. I realized that THIS blog is written FOR YOU DEAR READERS. It has always been for YOU. My other blog has been only for ME, up until the first reader started commenting on my posts and how much I was helping her. We live thousands of miles away from each other and sadly will most likely never meet, but we have become close friends. Going through the trauma of infidelity has bonded us forever, and we help and support each other. I'll bet it's akin to the bond cancer survivors have with one another; thankfully I wouldn't know first-hand but my BFF is a 5-year breast cancer survivor and I see how she instantly bonds with other cancer survivors. The biggest differences between cancer survivors and infidelity survivors are first of all, they aren't ashamed to tell the whole world their triumphant story of survival. We are. I am extremely careful deciding who I can tell and who I can't. It is extremely shameful and social support for infidelity survivors is next to nill. Are there any fundraisers to help prevent infidelity? Hmmm, um, NO. Do you see a color devoted to the prevention and support of those affected by infidelity?? Again, no. 5K runs? T-shirts? No. But yet there is much in common between those affected by cancer and those affected by a spouse or significant other's infidelity.

Sorry to digress. My point is that in sharing our pain, not just our happiness, we bond with others. I have bonded more with you over my pain than the fun sex I'd been having. I am certain that the moment a person hears her doctor say, "It's cancer" has the same devastating effect as when infidelity is discovered or revealed. My BFF and I discuss it at length and she agrees it is equally devastating, or more so with infidelity. Sadly, she has suffered both, so she has become an unwitting expert on both topics.

I realized that the purpose of this blog has always been to entertain, and my other blog was to help myself heal. I didn't expect anyone else to ever read it; it has helped me keep my sanity and get to where I am now. I have always been aware that my lifestyle is titillating and secretive, and that's what made it so fun to write and share the details with you. I had no idea the sex stories about me and certain females were actually skanks that my husband had had affairs with. Discovering this nearly sent me to the loony bin. Naturally, I deleted those posts. I was physically ill just doing so. I was forced to look at the words I'd written, the sex I'd had with them, and the way my husband had lied and manipulated me into doing so. It was more than I could bear.

The so-called "anti-versary" of D-Day #1 is coming up in a few weeks. Just four days shy of my birthday. I have dreaded this day and the other D-day anti-versaries coming up. I had told my H (husband) that I was planning on going back to California and seeing my BFF to get through it. He has begged me not to. He said he'll take the day off to be with me. He said that even though it's not a day to celebrate, in a way it is to HIM, because we are still together, and he is eternally grateful to me for giving him a second chance. I have decided I will not go to California to run away from it.

We have been getting along very very well. I have gone on a half-dosage of my PTSD meds (Setraline, 25 mg from 50 mg) and although I haven't lost a pound, I am very relieved my obsessiveness hasn't returned like it did the first time I tried to reduce the dosage.

With a new year now, like most people, I always make resolutions, and I can never stick with them. I have found out that I probably have adult ADHD and am going in for testing next week! It explains so much about me that I don't like about myself and have been unable to fix my whole life. I stumbled across information about it just going online and pun intended, was distracted by a byline about "adult ADHD" and clicked on it. Like a huge fucking lightbulb going off!!! So just knowing this is probably true about me, I am instantly being more kind and compassionate with myself. Just cleaning my house, my desk, the laundry, it is all overwhelming to me and now I know why!! So I am doing so much better and feeling better about myself.

If you've read this far, you will be happy to read that this post does have sex in it!! YAY!!!

I have spent a lot of time with my BF Allen lately. Did I mention he is gorgeous???? And he's 27 years old!!!! About 6-2, long straight blonde hair (about chin length), blue eyes, sexy body. And he seems to like me. We just had our one-year anniversary! And remember, for about 6 months of it, we had nothing to do with each other because of the separation and problems with my marriage. He waited for me! Actually saw no one else the whole time. He came to the last 2 band performances we did. New Year's Even he rode in my car with me and stayed the entire show! He helped carry in equipment and we also got drunk together in between sets. He is a doll. He came home with me and we had a short but fun romp in the guest room bed, where my hubby secretly watched from the doorway without him knowing. It was awesome! But the problem is, he didn't cum, and neither did I. Once again, no orgasms. WTF???? He does have a smallish cock but it used to cum just nicely so I don't know what's going on. I am getting bored and annoyed and looking for a new boytoy.

I am off to therapy, and no, I have not told my therapist about my seeing another guy. He is of the clear mind that neither my H nor I are healthy enough or stable enough to handle having other people in our marriage and he is probably right, and I don't want to hear it. I know that's bad, but believe it or not, I'm fucked up enough in so many other ways, we have PLENTY to talk about and work on that has nothing to do with fucking other guys.

(A private note to "Anonymous" here--I didn't get to respond the way I wanted to, but just know that I agree with you now about anger and the one-year mark. I will write to you soon.)

I hope everyone reading this has a great year, and you can do that by BEING HONEST with yourself and everyone around you ALL THE TIME. Secrets kill. Live honestly or die in your lies, but don't make anyone else suffer for your sins.

Goodbye 2012, it was the shittiest year of my life. Here's hoping 2013 continues to be better.

New profile pic and catching up

Hello my dear readers, I'm sorry so much has happened and I've been so busy I'm way behind. I know you all want to know how it went with my hubby new GF here....and I will tell you everything. I promise. But in the last 2 days there's been a new development with Mickey that I just have to get off my chest.

I have been trying to plan a trip to go see him for 2 weeks now. I'd have bought my plane ticket already but fucking Mickey wouldn't answer my texts or my IM's and so I didn't know if he was going to show up or not. I wanted to make sure what day off he would get so I planned well. We did play phone tag--it was sooo nice to have him call me nearly every day, or he'd answer the phone the second it rang when I called him, but we never talked for more than a couple minutes. He'd wake me in the middle of the night, and apologize for waking me, and then he'd tell me he'd call me tomorrow. This went on for the whole 2 weeks. He'd call me from work and have to hang up and wouldn't call me back till the next day. It was so schizo.

Finally, two days ago, out of the blue (his last text to me was June 2nd) I get a text from him that says, "I can't have you come see me. Having you in my life sexually is not healthy for me. I'm trying to focus on way too much."  I was shocked and sat on that for about a half hour. I was sad, but not surprised. We've been through this before, it's not the first time, so I was disappointed but ok with it. I remember the first time he did this to me---it was 7 years ago.  We had a Friday night date and he called me and told me, "I can't do this anymore", and how I was crying so hard, I was distraught--pleading with him to reconsider. I drove to his apartment and met him there--we sat in my car and he was cold as ice. That was the first time he broke my heart. It wasn't but 2 weeks later he was in my bed.

So I read his text and knew it was that night all over again, only I'm 1800 miles away so I can't just drive there and beg him to reconsider. And I'm a different girl now--I know he'll come back to me, and I told him so.  I asked him what was going on, what changed--that he had said he was single and had asked me to come see him, so WTF? And you know what??! He won't say it. He won't say he has a GF or that they're getting serious cuz he doesn't want to lose me. He talks so cryptically. "I'm not sure about anything right now," he told me. "What aren't you sure about?" I ask. "Work and such", he answers. Refusing to talk about anything in any detail whatsoever.

Knowing full well he wants me and will come back to me, first I was compassionate and told him I was sorry to hear. I was texting my best GF at the same time to get advice, and she thought I ought to tell him about "B". So I did. I said I was going to LA to see my BF and wish I was with him instead. He wrote me, "If I were even to see you now I can't stay the night or spend the day with you like I'd want". Oh happy day!! SEE???!! He DOES still want me!! So that was good enough for me.

I decided to tease him then--told him, "hey! Meet me in LA!!!" he said simply, "Can't".  I sent a sad face, and asked if he'd come here instead. He said he wasn't sure! Which meant "maybe I willl" or "I want to so fucking bad but can't figure out how to actually get away with it." Then my very sexiest naked pic of myself and said, "just to tease you...." and he loved it. It went on from there--I told him about my hubby's GF and sent him a couple pics of the two of us together and he loved them. He asked for more.

I know my Mickey. He loves to be single, he loves to be free. He hates to be tied down. He is a commitment-phobe and he will tire of her. I just have to be patient and not bug him, but yet, at the same time, he craves those texts from me that I am thinking of him.

The last thing I haven't told you is yes, I stalk him on Facebook. He and his GF have pages and although her wall is private, her info is not. It has always said under the relationship status that she is "complicated with...." and Mickey's name and pic. His is private so I can't read it, but I happened to look at their pages again last night and hers said instead, "in a domestic partnership with Mickey." WTF??? I looked at his page, and on his wall he'd written, "sorry, no, I'm not engaged, just clicked the wrong relationship status. I'm not getting married quite yet." To which a female friend who looks about my age wrote, "you're such a tease!" Just tonight I looked at them again and a guy friend wrote on her page, "Are you guys gay?" hahaha yeah WTF a "domestic partnership" doesn't sound very hot or sexy. More like roommates.

I know, I know, I'm just fooling myself. They are living together. But I asked him a few weeks ago--"are you in love?" and he said a resounding NO! So who knows.

I have to let go eventually--maybe he is getting serious about her and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I need to just let go right now, before I get hurt again. I'm really ok, more disappointed than anything, but sad too.

I'm thinner and in better shape than ever cuz I knew I was going to see him. Well, it will be appreciate by  B! I am excited to see him.

I'll tell you all about my hubby's GF as soon as I have time. It's the middle of the night right now and I have to get up at 6:30 am.

Oh wow!! B is calling!! yay!!! Just when I needed him.

Thanks for reading, and good night.

Love and kisses,
Anna XOXOX

Same old shit, different day, different guy

Hello my wonderful readers! I hope you are all staying cool in this unbearable heat we've been having. UGH this California girl hates this humidity! BLEH!

Did I ever tell you about my crush on my BOSS???!! Yes, I have a little crush on my boss. I'm certain he feels the same way. He told me once how he remembers the first time he saw me--it was the dead of winter and my hubby and I had gone into the restaurant he bartends at in the afternoon one day. He remembered everything I was wearing, and said I looked "HOT"!! WOW I was amazed! My girlfriend says his whole face lights up whenever he sees me. He's 32, and just moved out and got his own place--he'd been living with his girlfriend.

We text work stuff all the time, boring, but we had a few little flirts the last couple weeks. We both play tennis, and he's been asking me to play him, and everytime we make a date to play one of us cancels. First it was me, then it was him, then there were no courts available, and now we have a tennis date for today!  I am looking forward to it! I get nervous when I know he's watching me and I want to impress of course--I don't want to play badly--but it should be filled with flirtations on both sides so I am excited. Thankfully tennis is one of those sports with totally cute outfits!! YAY!! And I curl my hair and put it up so I look all cute and athletic hahaha

I'm not going to write about Nico. He won't text me back, and I've put myself out there and told him how much I miss him and wonder what I did wrong. His silence speaks volumes---I just wish I knew what I did or said to turn him off. I really have no clue. Lesson learned I guess--I shouldn't have let him read this blog. At least he should have the decency to tell me what I did, or said. It's cruel, it really is, to just ignore me the way he is. I keep hoping to hear that reassuring tri-tone announcement of a text from him saying something like, "I lost my phone", or "my phone went dead, couldn't find the charger", "nothing's wrong, I've just been crazy busy." etc. but as the days go by all I can do is just forget about him. I've gotten over other guys and I can get over him. I'm just SOOOOOOO disappointed!! He truly seemed different. I'm really hurt this time, and the worst part is, I can't even learn from this, I don't know what I did wrong. I surprised myself how much I began to care for him. So--since i don't have any other information otherwise, I will just keep telling myself he's just another asshole passing through my life. Very sad.

My girlfriend told me, "there are 9 billion people in this world. Keep looking!!" and so I am. My dating website never lets me down--I've got 2 new hotties I'm talking to, always hoping for someone who'll stick around and actually meet me and keep something going. I really felt like Nico was THE ONE who'd replace Mickey in my heart but alas, I guess not.

I said I wasn't going to talk about Nico.

Nico, if you're reading this, you know more about me than 99% of my closest friends. I trusted you; I thought what we had was something special.

I miss you.

----sigh----

P.S. I'm going out of town for the next week so I will post a new blog when I return. Until then, I love you my readers, and keep the comments coming! Remember you can send me a private email at Naughtyannahousewife@gmail.com and follow me on Twitter at NawtyAnaHotwife

Have a good weekend everyone!

Love,
Anna XO

It's been a strange week.....

That's for sure. Mickey's back, and Nico's gone AWOL.  Unless I contact him first, I don't hear from him. He had a date this week so guess his car is working--which makes me assume he's not interested anymore. He had said that nothing could keep him from me except the car not running...so I'm still holding out hope he'll text me tomorrow and say he's still coming on Saturday, but at this point, I haven't heard from him all week except the one time I texted him. --sigh--I'm very sad, this was a good guy, I still really like him. A lot. Oh well. :`/

Mickey has contacted me every single day this week but yesterday! He writes me in the wee hours of the morning when he gets home from work and he stays up till about 8 am his time and then says "goodnight" and then logs off and it's another 24 hours till I hear from him again. He got on his webcam! Mine wasn't working for whatever stupid reason--but I could see him! OMG I haven't seen his face since August 9th last year when he came to visit. He looks as hot and sexy as always. His hair is short, but not as short as I'd imagined (like a buzz-cut). I was longish around his face, jet-black and he looked really really cute. That disarming smile. Soooo wicked. Dimples and perfectly white and straight teeth. I think all the time about posting a pic of him on here so you could all see him. But--I can't do that. DAMN!!! Maybe some day I'll come out of the proverbial closet and post all my gorgeous men and ladies on here!

Anyway--tee hee--I got sidetracked there for a second---nothing really erotic happened except Mickey was in these boxers he was proud to show off to me--and then took his penis out and flipped it around for me, laughing and being silly the whole time. It was erotic and hilarious at the same time. Then he just pushed it back in his boxers and sat back down on the couch. It was fun. I love that side of him, the silly, mischievous kid. We just chatted then about nothing I can remember--it was just so nice seeing his face again after almost a year.

He told me he was living with his girlfriend, but had JUST broken up with her. He said, and I quote, "so you can come see me now." Yes, he actually said that. Then I said, "or you come here? I'll let you drive my car!" For you new readers, he loves loves loves my car. (I can't tell you what it is. I have to stay anonymous or I'll have to stop writing.)  He said, "I WILL see you again." yay! I love that I'm first on his mind again. For now.

He's so far away, and I'm lonely and horny now, and I'm frustrated with all these guys who tell me how "hot" I am but just fade away after a few days of texting and exchanging pictures. WTF?? Am I scaring them all away?? My hubby says it's cuz I'm married. They're afraid of The Husband. I guess I have to remember that it's unusual what we do and who we are, and most people think it's weird.

But the thing is, I'm honest and straightforward on my website and I never lie about being married, or that I'm in love with my husband. And that we are swingers, and that although we love threesomes we do allow each other "hall passes" as it were. The guys I talk to always say they don't care, that it doesn't matter, but when it comes time to pin them down for a date, they disappear. It gets so annoying.

I've got so many phone numbers in my cell now I get the guys mixed up. Seriously!! One night I thought I was writing Nico and I was writing a guy I didn't want to have anything to do with. His profile pic was hot but then when we started texting he sent a pic that I didn't care for at all. This happens ALL THE TIME.  VERY ANNOYING!!!! Anyway, I'd say that at any given moment, I've got about 3-5 guys I'm trying out to see if any of them are willing to follow through on their promises.

I'm very picky about who I sleep with. I'm not a sex addict. I'm a love addict. I love the attention, I love the compliments and I love knowing that they're thinking about me. I love knowing that I'm wanted and sought after. When the texts stop coming, it's painful for me and hard for me to just switch it off. I don't give just anyone my number--I get about 25 new messages a day and believe me, I hardly ever write anybody back. So when I do, I mean business. I will show up and sleep with them--if they'd fucking show up!!!!

I'm very tired and sad about Nico's apparent change of heart right now. My hubby has also been out of town for nearly a week and I am lonely and exhausted from work. Nico's been stringing me along for going-on  3 weeks now with the whole  car not working bit and I know I will be sooo sad and disappointed if he doesn't write me tomorrow and tell me he's coming to see me. I will be trying my damndest not to write him first. I'm sure I'll fail at it.

I guess that's it for now.

Bleh.

A new hottie for me!! yay!!!!

Ah, I love you my readers! Thank you for the prodding. I know I'm behind again--I had a house full of guests from out of state--NO unfortunately not the kind I was hoping for LOL but got my house back so now I have my privacy again. A lot has happened so I need to get this blog updated.

First of all, my plan to meet Jake was interesting! We had rented a houseboat the day of his concert, and we didn't get there till his band was playing like the last 5 minutes of their last song!! I was so bummed but glad I got to see him play a little. He's the drummer, and he was playing shirtless (--sigh--so yummy) and his band was actually pretty good. When the song ended, he tossed his drumsticks into the crowd, it was so rocker-esque I had to laugh.  Their were a few hundred people there, and a bunch of teen girls in the band's logo T-shirts, it was cute. They had groupies! I felt out of place, but I was determined to see him.

They were busy packing up, and I went around backstage to the exit door, hoping to catch him. It was blocked off. I couldn't get through. I realized I had to give up my fantasy of seeing him. He was there, I was there, it had been over a month, and I hadn't heard a peep out of him. My common sense knew I should just walk away and let it go. I looked good, I wanted him to see me, I wanted him to know I came to support him and his band, but it looked like it wasn't going to happen.  My hubby gave me a hug and said he was sorry it turned out this way. So I did--I walked away.

We went to get something to eat, and i just couldn't stop thinking about how many thousands of people were at this music festival--and how he and I were here, but not together. I really was missing him. I didn't even want to be there anymore. He was my reason for going. I couldn't help but scan the crowd for his face as we walked. And lo and behold, there he was!! He was standing in the middle of where everyone was walking, talking to his guitarist and a girl. I literally stopped dead in my tracks and went over to them. He was wearing a purple t-shirt and jeans and he looked as amazing as I'd remembered.

"Hi there!" I said to him, and I'm sure my knees were wobbly. The three of the stopped talking and just stared at me. Jake looked like a fucking deer in the headlights. He liked, bobbed his head back in disbelief. I said, "You guys were awesome!!" (he didn't need to know I only heard 5 minutes!!!) He said, "you saw us??" and I said, "I told you I bought tickets, remember?" he said, "WOW you came!" like he was happy. He outstretched his arms wide and smiled at me. "C'mere! he said and gave me a huge hug. It was wonderful.

After we hugged, he introduced me to the guitarist (don't remember his name) and the girl was his GF. He was very nice, she was cold as ice, staring at me like I was an enemy. The guitarist was super outgoing and friendly; I can't remember now what he was saying but as he was talking I was thinking, damn, this guy is HOT! And he's nice to me! The whole meeting lasted like, 3 minutes. I was happy I saw Jake, and I knew I looked hot, tan and thin and my hair looked good, makeup and all. I had primped just for him--I had fantasized about this moment for a whole month. I said something about nice meeting you to the guitarist and his GF and looked at Jake and said it was nice seeing him. He gave me another hug---initiated BY HIM MIND YOU and I said a sexy "bye" and waved and walked away. I have still not heard a peep from him.  Which I expected--but STILL. I sent him 2-3 pics of him and his band I'd taken while they were performing and thought I'd at least get a "thank you" but nah, nothing. Oh well. He's only 19 (just had a birthday) so who knows. My band is going to play this festival next summer so things will heat up, I just know it. I'm going to have our manager book our bands together ;)

Mickey is completely out of the picture now. Not returning any of my text or responding to any of my yahoo messenger texts. I saw him online a few times but nothing. I finally told him, "I don't know what's going on with you--but I'm here. I love you and all the ignoring in the world won't change that." That was 2 weeks ago. I googled him--yep, needed to know WTF?? Is he dead somewhere??? and it turns out he's online like 24/7 playing those stupid video games. "Black Ops" or what-the-fuck who gives a shit??? If he'd rather play video games than talk to me fuck him. I don't give a fuck. It's easy to let him go. I don't come second to a fucking video game.

I was trying to get him to text me back. What's worked in the past is when I'd say, "are you upset with me?" he'd always write back, "no, just busy sweety." this time nothing. And after I met Jake, I told him, "I met someone....." and he wrote back, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!! say it isn't so!!!" But this time, no response. Hmmm. I guess the GF is checking his texts and he's on a tight leash. I'm going to just sit this boy out for awhile. He always comes back. That I can count on--Mickey ALWAYS comes back.

Of course--it's easier to let him go now cuz there's someone new in the picture.....someone who I can't believe I actually told him about this blog and he's reading it! He loves it, but i feel like I can't talk about him knowing he's reading it. I will say this for you readers---he is everything so far that I used to get from Mickey. Back in the day, when he'd text me all day long, or text me back immediately when I'd text him. Mickey used to make me feel soooo wanted, so loved, so needed. And Nico, as I will call him, is doing that for me now. We "met" on that dating website 2 weeks ago. He contacted me. He wrote me the sweetest message. Most guys just say things like, "You're beautiful. I have a big cock, do you want to suck it?" and totally grosses me out. Nico didn't write anything like that. He did compliment me which was sweet and told me about himself. Honestly?? Between his pics and his profile, he is so much like Mickey it's eery. They both have a lot of tattoos and gauged ears and both are young (Nico is only 21! Mickey is 26) but the similarities are numerous. But of course, Nico is not Mickey. Nico is mature for his age and treats me so much better. I've known Mickey 8 years now, and he treats me like shit.

I haven't even met Nico yet! We had plans to meet last Saturday night but he said he had car trouble. I didn't believe him at first cuz I've heard it before. But I do now. I saw that he'd written it on his Facebook page. Yes, we are even Facebook friends. Mickey would never accept me. I was his dirty little secret. I feel like I'm healing through Nico.

We Skyped a few nights ago---WOW readers you MUST try it!! It's soooo fun!! I was so nervous at first, and for some reason my stupid webcam wouldn't work but I got to watch Nico jerk off for me. It was soooo exciting! OMG I was totally turned on! It was a shame he couldn't watch me cuz I couldn't help but touch myself watching him! It was fun seeing him as if I was right there. He's cute and sexy and so sweet. He lives so far away though--about 2-1/2 hours--but he seems unaffected by it. He said he's getting his car fixed and plans to come see me next weekend. So, we'll see, I'm not jaded but it's hard to get my hopes up.

Thankfully, my band is going well, although we lost another bass player. We're auditioning more this week but it's frustrating. We are ready to gig and we lose momentum and time. Between my job as a bartender and the band, I'm finally happy here. I am happy when I hear from Nico, he always makes my day that's for sure. Did I mention I have a huge crush on him???

OMG I totally forgot to mention my hubby has a new hottie too! She's someone he used to work with with his old company. She was just an hourly and of course he was the vice president, so they hardly had any contact. She found him out of the blue on FB and she lives in another state, but she's had the hots for him bad! I've been texting her--guess she's bi--and she thinks I'm gorgeous and she looks like a Suicide Girl--green eyes and black hair and tattoos--SHE'S gorgeous! She may come visit us. The girl we had a threesome with a few months ago wants to come visit too. Not sure how I'm feeling about that. She's the one I freaked out on, but we've been texting and things are good.

Whew! That was a lot to get caught up on. Let me know what you think my dear readers. I love your comments and emails--and thanks for the Skype offers you devislish nasty male readers out there! hahha That's just for Nico.

Have a great day everybody!!!

Love,
Anna XOXOXOX

Another one bites the dust--and Mickey sniffs around again

About 3 days after our sexy weekend,  Jake stopped texting me. I don't know what I did wrong. Here we go again. Same situation, different guy. WTF!?!?!?! I'm so sick of this.  GUYS LISTEN UP OUT THERE----TELL US THE TRUTH.

Or give us a gentle lie. Here are the reasons I've come up with why Jake doesn't want anything to do with me again:

1. He's found someone else. (she's younger, cuter, funnier, dresses better, etc.)
2. He's starting to fall for me and it can't go anywhere cuz I'm married
3. I said something I shouldn't have (told him I missed him)
4. I did something I shouldn't have (texted him)
5. He saw me as a piece of ass. (and I saw him as something more)


There are a lot more choices but they're so pathetic I can't bring myself to write them. It's bad enough how much I've beaten myself up over it. I have been in a funk ever since. I can't even listen to music lately--every song just seems to get on my nerves.

Here's what I know--like a detective trying to solve a case--he told me I was the best he'd ever had. He said it sincerely. (he's only 18---I believed him!) And as great as the sex was, it was the way he held me all night long that did it for me. I've never been with a guy that liked to cuddle all night long the way he did. It was tender. It wasn't a 'wham-bam-thank you ma'am" at all.

I bought tickets to see his band in concert. We were chatting about it. Then he stopped texting. I didn't think anything of it. Then a day later, I wrote, "the weather is so dreary today--wish I was back in bed with you :)". No response. I waited a WEEK to text back! (I was so proud of myself!) I wrote, simply, "Hi sexy". No response. I waited about 10 hours, then wrote, "I miss you...are we ok?" still no response.

The next day I composed myself and wrote, "Hi Jake, hey I don't know if your phone isn't working or you just don't want to talk to me. So I just want you to know I'm glad I met you. You made me feel things no one has ever made me feel." Then, "You opened up my heart and I was starting to really feel something for you. I honestly hope to see you again." I thought, and waited, no response. 15 min later my closing statement--"And I wish I knew what you were thinking. When I drove away I thought things were fine."

That was a week ago.

I've cried so much over him, it really caught me by surprise. I realize the good that's come out of it, and I don't regret him at all. I am completely over Mickey, who, by the way, texted me at 6 am today out of the blue. Said he misses me like hell. I think he fell asleep cuz he stopped texting but the difference is I DON'T HONESTLY CARE ANYMORE. It's a great feeling. I'm free from Mickey. I don't think he can hurt me again. I'm too wrapped up in Jake.

I guess it's not Jake I miss so much, he's merely the messenger. I got the best sex of my life, and I felt loved. For that night, I was loved. He loved me the only way he knows how, with his body. He can't give me any more. And I want more. Nearly 20 years I've been married, and I got something from someone else I've never had. It was amazing.

My self-esteem has taken such a beating though. I can't help but pick apart everything I said, looking for the "deal breaker", as Dr. Phil would say. Something I said, or did, caused him to say or feel, "that's a deal breaker. I'm done with her." BUT WTF WAS IT?????

I swear, whatever I've thought of can't be worse than what it was. I know I didn't fart. I'm a great lover. He told me so. We had 2 amazing nights together. I know he was smitten with me. He told me he told his friends about me. So, where did it all go wrong??

Well, I'll probably never know.

But I have a new fantasy.

His band is going on tour. They have 17 gigs this month. I am NOT texting him (not even tempted actually--I can't take being ignored). We have tickets to his concert July 1st. I"m going to look amazing, and go up to see him afterward. He will be happy to see me, I know he will. And who knows--he may get lonely on tour. He told me he's not excited about being cooped up with his bandmates in dinky motel rooms for a month.

I'm going to give him a chance to miss me. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. If I was truly the best he'd ever had, and if he was getting feelings for me too, he will miss me. And he will contact me. If not, I will just show up after his concert and say hi.  Maybe he will be wondering, as he sits alone in those motel rooms, "did she buy tickets? Is she coming to see me?" and maybe, just maybe, he'll text me. I'm hoping he will. It's my favorite fantasy, I think about it constantly.

And at 7:45 am today (5:45 Mickey's time), I was dropping my daughter off at school when I got a text. From Mickey. It's been since May 20th since I last heard from him. Took him 3 weeks to miss me, but miss me he does. I was happy to see his name pop up on my screen. I just sat and looked at it, and smiled. We wrote back and forth for about 15 min and then he stopped texting. At least this time I don't really care if he writes back or not. I absolutely love how he doesn't have the power to hurt me right now. Does this mean I'm really over him??? After 6 years?? Yes, I think it does. And it's a wonderful feeling. I can enjoy his attention but I don't need it anymore.

I'm back on the dating website, and I'm juggling like 6 guys right now. Not that I want to. It's that they show interest, we exchange pics, and 90% of them turn out to look nothing like their profile pics, or they live too far, or "how about next week?" so whatever. Right now really the only one I want to hear from is Jake but it ain't happening, so I'm looking for my next lover.

I'll let you know what Mickey does next. I invited him to come visit me. I'm not holding my breath.

uh oh.....

The problem with being a swinger is sometimes your heart gets involved, event though you try hard not to let it. I am crushing hard on B. He just makes me laugh so hard. And he's full of compliments....besides my hubby and my pilot Sean, most guys just don't get that we girls LOVE to be complimented! Damn we work hard on our looks and fuck if you like what you see, tell us assholes! So he's #1 right now with me. I can't fucking wait to meet him Saturday! We are gonna have a fucking great time.