Awesome comment accidentally deleted.....and other stuff

I am a lamer and accidentally deleted a great comment by one of you amazing readers and hope you see this and don't mind writing it again for us. So from now on I'm changing the settings on this blog to let comments just publish themselves rather than going through me. I'm clearly technologically challenged. My sincerest apologies to the author.

Aside from my lameness.....

I love how some men can't stay away for long.....Jake---who did what immature Mickey could not do and that's let me know when he began dating someone seriously--decided last night to follow one of my Twitter accounts. My "safe" one! So that's fun. He looks amazing. In a suit. So I had to private message him how hot he looked. That was a fun surprise I woke up to this morning! And last night, I opened my iPad to read my book at bedtime and there was a message from guess who--Mister Ghost Alcoholic Jay who was on his Skype two hours earlier: "hey baby are you there?" What an ass. I ignored it. He's gonna have to try harder than "hey baby" three weeks after he ignored our evening plans and never responded. Fuck him.

I'm texting two other hotties right now that I "met" on OK Cupid; one's 19 and lives in New Jersey but his father lives nearby and he's planning a visit this summer so we will see if he lasts that long hahahahha. The other lives a lot closer and REALLY wants to meet me. I'm not sure if I'm as crazy about him as he is about me so I'm hesitant. BUT he passed a huge test by being only one of two guys who wished me a happy mother's day. He and Allen. He doesn't know it but that was huge. In the 10 years I've been involved with Mickey, he stopped wishing me happy birthdays and mother's day and most holidays years ago, except for Christmas and New Year's.

I have not heard from Mickey and have absolutely no desire to text or contact him at all. Even in my drunken moments!! LOL He and Jay were #1 and now they are last place. That's what I love about OK Cupid....the cute guys are out there and just waiting to meet someone like me who will show up and have a good time with them!

I'm getting a little bit of my swag back....the weather's been erratic but I've been running and hitting the gym much harder AND eating much healthier. I haven't lost but a pound but knowing I'm taking better care of myself I feel sexier and happier already.  I'm on this super-clean diet and I feel so much more energy already. Yay!!!

BUT......

I still haven't found a woman to play with for my hubby.  I have been trying. I am learning that flakiness is not specific to the male gender. Women play games with me just as much. So frustrating.

Have a good weekend everyone! Stay honest and use those condoms!!!!!

Rough month

SO much has been going on I haven't had a chance to get y'all caught up. I guess I'll get the bad stuff out of the way.....my beloved mother passed away two weeks ago. I jumped on the very first plane out because my brother called me and said she'd slipped into a coma and for me to get there ASAP. I spent 4 days with her and my family at her bedside and she passed away a few hours after we went home for the evening (doctors had said she could go at any minute or it could be weeks). We did a lot of sobbing and talking while I was there and now I'm pretty much in zombie-mode, just keeping busy so I don't fall apart. I will write about her when I am ready. For now, I just want to keep busy.

And part of keeping busy is keeping the hot boys coming. Or should I say "cumming"??? LOL

You have to excuse me; what I've been through these last few weeks have made me  cynical, angry, and more hedonistic than ever. Life is short. I know where we are all headed. I am planning on having as much fun as possible and denying pleasure doesn't make sense to me.

My hubby and I decided to get an OkCupid account, and what fun we are having! We are both logged in on our phones, so anytime someone writes we both get notifications. The profile pic is just me but it's a couples' profile so everyone knows we are together. I have gotten some amazing guys writing me, and i've exchanged phone numbers with a couple. One is 21 with a kid (he's amazing, I really like talking to him) and another is 20 and quite a hottie too. I've been trying to make dates with them and it's so funny how intimidated these young guys are. My hubby just wants to shake them and say, "She's REAL! And she's really nice! Stop worrying!!"

Oh, and btw in case you're wondering, "Jay" has gone AWOL. What an ass. We Skyped when I got back from my trip and he was all gaga over me as usual, but when it comes time to actually get together, he stops texting. I'm SO done with him. I last sent him a sexy pic of me over the weekend and he didn't ever respond. FUCK HIM. And for the record, FUCK MICKEY TOO. We texted while I was in California and my BFF and I went out and I got drunk two days after my mom passed away. I guess I said too much to Mickey and he freaked out. I haven't heard from him since.

What did I say to him you might be wondering? Well, he baited me. He said, "Why are you still so into me when we hardly ever see each other." I should've just said, 'Cuz you're fucking hot" but NOOOOOO the Grey Goose Citron answered, "Cuz you're into me too. You always come back to me. Two years I don't hear from you. Your GF breaks up with you and you run back to me. You always run back to me." And that made him run away from me. I had to laugh. Whatever. I don't really care. He's changed; he's started working out big time and I actually don't like the way he looks anymore! LOL He went from skinny hot rocker boy with all the tats and piercings to big bodybuilder guy. He looks too much like my son now. Ew. Combine that with his arrogance and I'm really not attracted to him anymore. It's just the connection we USED to have. I thought for a long time he really loved me, just didn't know how to express it, but now the way he's been talking lately I feel like WTF why do YOU bother texting ME?? I don't have the energy to give a shit about Jay or Mickey anymore. I really don't. 

There's nothing like losing your mom to feel that bitch-slap up the side of the head that some people just aren't worth your time.

If either of these two new hotties pan out, I'll give them names and keep you updated. For now, we are just flirting like crazy and it is fun, but I get tired of all the of it and then it doesn't lead anywhere. I"m not getting any cuter or younger and I'm annoyed that guys who say they want hot sex with a willing girl really don't want hot sex with a willing girl. I don't know what they want! But I'm real and I'm here and I don't play games. I think guys just don't know how to handle me. They're so used to bitches and drama queens. It's pathetic. 

OH, and yeah, trying to get a girl to join us too to keep hubby happy. How do I feel about it? No different than I ever did, but trying to get over it. I'm numb now and don't really feel much of anything right now, my heart is broken over losing my mom. Sex is just pleasure of the flesh. If someone wants my heart they are going to have to work pretty fucking hard to get it, but it's turned to ice for now.  Oh, and Allen has been a sweetheart through all of this, texting me every few days, asking me how I'm doing. Mickey?? The only thing is said was, "Noooooo! I'm so sorry!" when I told him about my mom, and then the conversation I mentioned earlier. I'm planning on a little fun with my Allen. And did I forget to mention he's looking better than ever??? MMMM sent me new selfies. Yum yum yum. Did I tell you he's a dead ringer for actor Charlie Hunnam from "Sons of Anarchy"? Yes he is! I even sent him pics of the guy to him and he was like, "damn it's like looking in a mirror!!" So you can see why I'm hooked on him!

I'll keep you posted. Have a good week and happy hump day everyone!

Oh MIckey, you're so fine you blow my mind

Hello all you sexy peeps how have you all been? I haven't forgotten about you! No, no, no, not at all. Just because we aren't actively swinging right now doesn't mean all is boring here. Mickey popped up out of the woodwork again last night after a long hiatus, which is Mickey's MO. Last I heard from him was that two-word response Jan 31st: "happy new year." That was it. So lo and behold how nice it was last night, I got to the gym for my tennis league and I was putting my things in my locker. I had my phone out still and BOOM there it is, his name with the sexy lip emoticon next to it, and the message, "hey, it's Mickey." I smiled a huge smile, staring at his words, and put my phone in my locker and shut the door and went to tennis. I wasn't sure how to respond; I always pick and choose my words to him so carefully. I just decided to go play tennis and think about it.  When I did finally write him back an hour and a half later, I texted what I would normally say: "hey sexy man how are you?" And it took him another hour and a half to write ME back.

As they say, let the games begin.

We chatted back and forth, and as usual, he says very little. He throws me crumbs, and I gobble them up like a hungry pigeon. He just said he was in Washington visiting his mom "tonight". My brain heard "Washington" and of course thanks to my stalking of him my brain lit up immediately and it registered "Washington" as meaning, "trying to get that girl back that just dumped me." Yes, I'm smarter than he knows. But the point here is my friends, he ALWAYS comes back to me. ALWAYS. 

I wish I knew what he wanted. I really don't know. Am I just an ego-booster to him? Just someone to pass the time with till something better comes along, or does he really care about me? I have no idea. I do know that I don't NEED his crumbs anymore. Oh, I like them very much indeed, but I don't NEED them the way I did. I don't keep checking my phone to see if he's texted, or over think "why isn't he texting?" I don't really care. They're nice when they come and I don't really think too much beyond that. It feels so much less constricting. 

So anyways, we chatted a little, I always say too much. He told me he was looking for a new job (so what else is new?) and that he will be helping a friend move at the end of March--back to the city in California where we both lived! And ironically, I am going to California to see my mom this month too!!! My little heart started fluttering, just thinking about seeing him in two weeks. It's been over 3 years since we've seen each other. Of course, he back-pedaled and said he wasn't sure what his plans were "exactly" and that it "isn't up to me" because he's helping his friend move and that he was pretty sure they were going the last week in March. I'm going next weekend. He could change his plans if he really wanted to see me. It's that simple. I'm not stupid. Well, yes I am, because I'm always the one pulling him to change. He didn't offer, "WOW well let me see what I can do, I'd love to see you! Maybe he'd be willing to go two weeks earlier!!!" No, he did not. I will keep telling myself that.

Aside from Mr. Mickey, I am doing GREAT! LIfe is sweet these days. Hubby and I are doing very very well. I was able to fully forgive him and he is just amazing. Yes of course I will still always have the trauma, and the triggers, and of course the marriage will never be innocent again. The damage is done, and he has to live with what he's done to me FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. ON HIS DEATHBED HE WILL HAVE REGRETS. 

BUT--having said that, he is a changed man. I have changed too; I am much wiser now and much, much stronger. Having been able to truly forgive him has made such a huge difference. I did it for ME. I was having a really bad December; November wasn't much better. I was having so much trouble with certain things he did (like bringing his whore here to meet my children, have sex with me, yeah, was having real trouble with that) and I was getting to the point where I thought, I either need to forgive him or leave him. 

I still go to therapy every other week, and I'd been working on forgiveness. But like converting to a new religion, it just wasn't happening to me. I just wasn't feeling it. And the harder I tried, the more elusive it became. I started obsessing again, using my fake Facebook profile to stalk her. Hours wasted reading and re-reading her stupid profile for signs of her commenting on our life. Of course there was none. She's just the same old bitch she always was, only I was too trusting and naive to see it. 

What finally pushed me over the edge is something I still haven't told my hubby about. I Googled her one day, and the very first thing that comes up is a website outing cheaters! I didn't remember doing so, but I had outed her publicly, full birth name and all, and told the world in print what a sociopathic scumbag she really was. I began to shake when I saw that she'd responded with a fake name that she was "single" (as if it made that any more honorable??? See what I mean????) and that my husband wouldn't have cheated if I'd "given him something to come home to." Nice. 

I began to shake uncontrollably and thought I was going to pass out. I had to get up and walk around the house and calm myself down. I was so angry. I had no one to lash out at. I decided to email the webhost and ask them to remove it. I did, and then did some more research and found out the only way to have it removed was to hire a lawyer and pay about $400-500 to have it removed. I began to really panic. It didn't specify when she'd commented. It couldn't been two years ago (when I wrote it) or recently. I had no idea. I still don't. And I thought, I'll be the better person. I'll hire a lawyer and remove it.

Only I don't have $500. And WTF she deserves it. SHE can pay the $500 to get her "good name" back. HAHHAHAHAH And after a few days when this epiphany came to me I felt much better. I felt like I got the last word. She may have insulted me, but anyone reading that would agree that she proved she truly is a sociopath to blame it on the wife. Nice try bitch.

So anyways, that derailed me quite a bit. I had so much unresolved anger, and I was really getting to a boiling point with it. And it was something I heard on a podcast (I listen to LOTS of podcasts while I'm driving. I love psychology and listen to podcasts about infidelity, forgiveness, and personality disorders). I came upon one that resonated with me in a big way--the speaker said, "forgiveness is giving mercy to someone who doesn't deserve it." This was the first time I'd heard something like that. Everything I'd heard and read about forgiveness always talked about how you "do it for YOU! YOU'LL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! ANGER IS POISON!!"  and always wrapped up in a tidy little bow that made it sound so easy to do and so WTF is wrong with me that I just couldn't forgive?????

That sentence stuck with me. If I could forgive someone who DIDN'T deserve to be forgiven, how about someone who DID? Namely, my husband??? And it kind of started to settle in. I saw how hard he was trying, and how much he loved me. How when I asked him the hard question, "HOW COULD YOU DO THOSE THINGS TO ME???" he honestly had no answer, other than, "the guy sitting here with you right now cannot believe that I did those things, and I could never do them now, ever again."

I just spent a few days being introspective about it all, and I was actually standing in front of my mirror, putting on makeup, thinking about it all, and I burst into tears and screamed, "I FORGIVE HIM! I FORGIVE HIM!!" and just sobbed a happy sob. It happened. It finally happened. Like "feeling Jesus" in church, I "felt forgiveness" in my heart. As if Cupid struck me with a bow and injected me suddenly with a forgiveness serum. Snap your fingers with me here, cuz that's how it happened.

I texted my husband "I have to talk to you tonight! It's good!" and when I finally got the chance to tell him, he was sobbing with shame and gratitude. And from that night on, things have been so much better. In forgiving him, I was able to release the build-up inside of me. I have been living backwards for the last 2 years. I was dying inside. I was sick of living backwards, ruminating constantly about the last 16 years of my life that was not what I thought it was. I had to figure out how to live in the present. My present was ruined by what he did in my past, and robbed me of choices I'd have made differently if I'd known the truth. But I had to come to an acceptance that what's done is done, and I can't go back. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Accept it. Part of me still fights it. But I'm using that fight now to make the years I have left better.

So, the whole open marriage thing is tabled for now. I know Mickey won't change his schedule and if he did would I go see him? Yes I would. In a heartbeat. I know my hubby wouldn't want it any other way. He knows what he means to me. 

But what about hubby seeing other women? Sorry, he had his fun. He knows this too. I have told him I don't know if I'll ever be ok with it again. EVER. He can walk if he really wants other women. And aside from Mickey, I'm not interested in anyone else (not even Allen really. He texts me from time to time but I haven't made any effort to see him, nor has he). I have really grown. I don't need young guys to be interested in me anymore to feel good about myself. My kids are growing up and I'm not wishing I was younger anymore. I am what I am. It feels awesome.

On that note, I am obsessed with monogamy vs. non-monogamy. I'll continue to write about it here and I love hearing from you all about it. I have even convinced my therapist that open marriages CAN succeed. I have taught him a lot about it. But I do realize that a lot of us are having sex without really thinking about each other's well-being or our own. We drink to let ourselves get jiggy and then when we've sober we wonder WTF happened. We have to really know ourselves and not let alcohol talk us into doing things we wouldn't do sober. That was me, that was my hubby. How many of you drink to loosen up and let yourself be more sexual? Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily, unless you do it the way I did.

My alcohol-addled brain didn't question why my husband brought this whore into my house. When I asked him how he knew her, I accepted his answer. I didn't question him enough. I accepted everything he said, and everything she said and just went along to get along. That girl is so gone now. Not drinking anymore has brought me so much more peace and vigilance. I miss wine,  I miss having fun and going out, and this new boring me is well, boring, but I feel like I'm taking care of me better. 

Hubby is sober now too. I know it won't last for both of us; we have agreed to go "a month" but I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to keep it up. We never fight when we're sober. Only when we've been drinking. I hate how it messes with my mind. We have made a LOT of progress, but we had a huge fight a few weekends ago when out at a bar (of course) we were getting blasted, having a fun time with friends, and he casually points out this young thing as being "hot" and "such a good dancer." Well, for me, the night was over and I wanted to go. So we did and I let him have it. For me (once again, snap your fingers) that quick I was back to square one. I screamed at him, "If I wasn't there, just like in MInnesota when I wasn't there, you'd take her back to your apartment and fuck her." It was a horrible fight.

I said, "Why did you feel the need to tell me that? Was it to caution me that you might act on it and I needed to know?" He said no of course not. He thought, "you point out hot guys all the time and so that's all I was doing." I said, "Yeah and you get turned on when I do that. I do NOT get turned on when you find someone else attractive. And she's half your age, and a skank on top of it. Don't you have any taste??? Jeez you're attracted to a "4" then what am I? Guess that makes ME a "4" too." I said, 'Obviously, you have a "type", and it's the whore. That's really hard to deal with."

It was ugly. We couldn't settle it and had an emergency appointment with our couple's therapist. She told him, "that's called 'being an asshole". He was shocked. She said, "You're not in an open marriage anymore. You don't point out other women to her anymore. That's called being an asshole. Keep it to yourself. She's not ready to hear it." He thought he was "just being honest". I discussed it with my therapist too and he gave him some kudos for his honesty, but that he needs to learn how to behave in a monogamist marriage.

So that's where we're at right now. We are somewhere in between monogamist and non-monogamist. It's confusing, and so for now, it's best we stay sober so we don't lose our inhibitions in public. Friday nights are boring now, but I'll take boring. We go to the gym now instead of boozing it up at our local watering hole making jerks of ourselves. Or we go to a movie, or we go to a coffee house and play a board game. It's a little boring, but the more we do it, the more I like it.

From one extreme to the other. We will land somewhere in between eventually.

Thanks for reading this far. I know I've rambled. I had a long to say LOL (don't I always?)

Have a great weekend sexy peeps!!

Love always,
Anna XO

Uh oh, guess who's back

Hello all you sexy readers! I'm sorry I haven't had much to write about lately, and we are both suffering from a dry spell LOL UNTIL THIS WEEK!!!

WOWZA have I got news for you!

Mickey is back!!!

I knew he would be eventually. This time it took 14 months. I woke up around 5 am two days ago to go to the bathroom and saw the name on my cell phone. I gasped, I literally gasped. I stared at it; I just couldn't believe it. His name on my cell phone; a private message sent to my Facebook. I was so excited I grabbed my glasses and opened the message. It was a simple, "Hey! How have you been?" The profile pic attached to the message was just a black square. Curious, I clicked on it to see his Facebook page, which I guess if I had been stalking him like I used to, I'd have already known that he and his GF had broken up and clearly it wasn't his idea. His page is mostly private so there's not much I could see except a comment about the black picture and how he's "moving on."

WOW.

I just sat there, incredulous. I didn't respond. I just went back to bed and pondered about having Mickey back in my life.

If I had any sense, I'd have ignored the message and/or deleted it. But I don't have any sense when it comes to Mickey. I knew at 5 am I was royally screwed.

So in the last two days, we've texted about a hundred texts and HE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT!! He was delivering pizzas, just like the olden days. It was surreal. It was amazing hearing his voice. He has changed; he seems easier to talk to and he's more responsive, but it's still way too soon to know for sure what he wants. He's not even flirting with me; it seems like right now he just wants a friend but I am not interested in being his friend. He told me all about his breakup with his GF, that he's "still in love with that girl" but she's clearly dumped him and moving to Arizona to go to school. I can't believe she's dumping him now. I had to ask him--so, do you remember those last emails you sent me? He said yes. I said cautiously, "so, I'm guessing she found out about me?" and he said yes. I said, "and she forgave you?" He said 'Yes", and went on to explain that they were really happy and he didn't see the breakup coming. He said something vague about "she was mad at me" but that's all. He said that they hadn't been living together most of the time--I wanted to ask about her "in a domestic partnership" relationship status on her Facebook but then he'd know I stalked her so I didn't mention it. Guess it doesn't really matter at all anyway.

He texted me again at midnight, wanting to face time but I had been sound asleep (hubby too) and so I said I could only text. I reminded him we are 2 hours ahead. He apologized and said, "Ok, well I'll text you tomorrow" and I said, "I can text now" and we did for over an hour. He started talking about coming here, not just to visit but to MOVE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was stunned. He said repeatedly, "I'm single now. I have nothing holding me here anymore. I can go anywhere I want. I have been wanting to get away." And then the convo went specific--he wanted to know the name of the town I live in so he could Google it. He obviously did, because he commented, "Now I know where to go to find a sugar mama." Yeah dope-head ME!!!!!!!!

He asked so many specific questions it was unreal. When we first moved here in fall of 2010, he started talking about moving here but it was always vague and back then, I pushed and pushed to get him to move here. Comparing the two, I realize that I wanted him here more than he wanted to be here, and now it's reversed!!! He is honestly, seriously considering it. He's looked up apartments, how to get his bartender's license, he asked about what it's like living here, it was surreal.

I flirted with him a couple times. I told him in a text that I'd had an erotic dream about him and he never responded. So when I got the chance,  I asked him about it. I asked what he thought of it and he said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to say something. I was surprised that you did." I said, "Why's that?" He said, "We haven't talked in a long time." Hmmm duh but did he forget we had quite a history together??! That was disappointing.

I do plan on being more up-front and direct with him as time passes. I am not going to play cat and mouse with him again. I know he's recovering from a broken heart and that's good. He treated her like shit and she is done with him. I am insanely curious for details, and before I let that man back into my bed I am going to really talk to him this time. No holding back.

I need to remind him how badly he treated ME too. How much he hurt me. How lucky he is that I really do love him, always have, and always forgive him even if he doesn't deserve it. How I always take him back, and remind him, how he always comes back to me. We always go back to each other. The day I told my husband I wanted a divorce, who did I text immediately??? Mickey.

And who did he text when his relationship ended? ME.

I don't want to continue having the kind of relationship with him we've had in the past, and by that I mean mostly sexual and not much else. He always kept me at arm's length, he even said to me once that he didn't want to tell me things about him, and so I knew my place. I was not much more than a sexual partner and it was my own fault for getting my feelings hurt. He used me and I fell in love, so that's no one's stupid fault but my own. Of course, I didn't know he had a GF and was cheating on her with me. He needs to know how wrong that was and how much it upset me.

So before he comes here, I will be asking him to tell me what he's planning. Because as much as I fantasize about being with him again, I know that I am treading in very deadly waters.

By the time we'd finally said "goodnight", I had told him I have a boyfriend here. I don't really anymore; Allen stopped texting but Jake still texts and sends me sexy pics. In fact, he was out of town all alone in a hotel room last week and horny as hell, sending me the NASTIEST pics I've ever gotten. My favorite one he's holding his cell phone so I could see his huge hard dick and the sexy smirk on his face while he's holding it (his dick) for me to see. I haven't actually seen Jake in more than a year but that sexy 20-year old adores me and begs me to come see him. He's in Chicago, which is about 90 min away and although not really that far, it just involves a night's stay in a hotel and really good planning so my daughter doesn't wonder where the hell Mommy is!! LOL

So anyway, we texted "goodnight"; I sent an emoticon of a sexy pair of lips and said, "Goodnight sexy man, kisses" and he just said, "night". Hmmm.

I was so aroused I masturbated right then and there in the dark, under my covers, my sweet hubby quietly snoring next to me. I tried to fall asleep afterwards, and realized I was still really turned on and masturbated again! Then I fell asleep.

I am sooooo tired today. But happy.

Life after the affairs

Hello my sexy friends! I am back. I want to thank Anonymous (whoever you are!! LOL) for your message to me yesterday wanting to know how I'm doing. I can't tell you how much I appreciated that. Yes, this blog has grown cobwebs as my hubby and I are still working very hard on our marriage with the fallout of my discovery of 16 years of lies, cheating, and manipulation. I have been to hell and let me tell you, if I can survive this, there isn't anything I can't do now. I have grown stronger but the anger monster within me is like a fire-breathing dragon that is ready to pounce at any given moment. Reconciling a marriage after affairs is not for the faint of heart. I always thought women who stayed with men who cheated on them were the weakest creatures on the planet. Afraid of their own shadows. I always assumed women who stayed with men who cheated were women who had no self-respect and were more concerned with giving up their cozy lifestyle than have the guts to leave and stand on their own two feet.

How wrong I was.

In the ten months since I discovered my husband's cheating, I have come to realize that staying is much much harder than leaving. Oh, let me tell you, many times I've wanted to throw him out, or run, run, run and never look back. Why have I stayed?? Believe it or not, I still love him. I am still in love with him. Even though he's destroyed me to my core. 

I have had no experience with being cheated on. Some women (and men) have a painful history of lovers who were chronic liars, but I have been lucky. Previously to being married to my husband, I was the one who always wanted out. I cheated on my first husband. Yes, I told him the very next morning, and moved out right after. I did not keep it a secret from him for 16 years and cheat more with more men. So I have a perspective about my H (husband) and cheating that makes it harder to forgive.

When an affair (or several) are discovered by the betrayed spouse, your world collapses. I can't, and won't, even go into how devastated you are. It is simplistic to say that you will never be the same. But it is true. I will never be the woman I was. I have had to re-write the last 16 years of my life. It is not what I thought it was. My H had a one-night-stand after the birth of our first child and kept it from me for 16 years. Didn't use a condom. Insists she didn't get pregnant. A drunken mistake. He insists he was faithful for the next 14 years and planned on taking that to his grave. Well, he never dealt with it, never told me, and so it came back to haunt him. 

He had yet another one-night-stand two years ago, and never told me. Just "buried it" so he didn't have to deal with it. Never once did he think, "oh fuck, here I go again! I said I wouldn't do that ever again and I just did!!" Oh no. He just "buried" it (whatever the fuck that means) and carried on like nothing happened. Came home to me after not using condoms yet again. Another drunken mistake not dealt with.

At this point, we are 6 years into an open marriage and he brings home slut #2 to our home and bed. I befriend her. She disappears eventually and he sighs relief. I am none the wiser. Then a few months later (April 2011) the first skank from 16 years ago finds him on Facebook and what does he do???? He is so fucking stupid!! Instead of thinking, WTF??? I'VE BEEN RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN AND THIS MISTAKE FOR THE LAST 16 YEARS OMG IM NOT TOUCHING HER WITH A TEN-FOOT POLE. But alas, no, he is happy to hear from her and in a blaze of "nostalgia" (his words) they reconnect and the rest they say is history. He risked 20 years of marriage, our children's health and well-being, my health, our finances, for the validation from someone he claims he never loved. 

He lies about how he knows her. I buy the lie because why wouldn't I? I encourage the texting because I'm busy having my fun with Mickey and other guys. He buys her a plane ticket and brings her out here to our home, our bed, my body. I take her to my work. I teach her to play tennis. I make out with her in front of my boss at a bar. She hangs out with my children. I have sex with her. While he's at work, I pour my heart out to her and spend lavishly on her because I know she's important to my hubby, just like Mickey is important to me. That is called the give-and-take of an open marriage. After three days here, he and I are fighting so much and not even having sex with each other. I ask him to make her leave. He convinces me to let her stay. She was here 10 days. What did I do then?? I tried even harder.

I was extremely jealous. I spent hours talking to my girlfriend about my jealousy. I knew he deserved to have her and be with her just like I had my Mickey. And you know what??? By the end of her stay, which by the way, I had to initiate cuz the bitch had no reason to leave and my H didn't want her to go----I had gotten over my jealousy. On Saturday, I had to get up and go to work. We'd had a threesome with her and she was still in bed with us. I actually left them alone together in our bed and told him whatever happened was ok with me and I left. I didn't think about it much while at work and I was so happy with my progress. He started texting me about a half hour after I got to work that "nothing happened. She got up and took a shower." And that is the lie he continued to tell me for 8 months after I asked at least 10 times, "Really??? Nothing happened??? I left you guys alone in bed and you didn't fuck her???" and he lied and said no. She got up right after I left and showered.

What an asshole. He DID fuck her the minute I left. And lied about it for 8 months.

You know why he lied, right??? Cuz he had fucked her 16 years ago and brought her back into my life without my knowledge. She had no right being in my house let alone my bed and my body. And it was the second time he had done that to me.

His web of lies came to a crashing halt January 30, 2011 when I found private facebook emails between the two of them declaring their love for one another. Long story short, there were two other women he was hiding at that time and it took me another 3 months to discover them. I kicked him out of our bedroom and I told him I wanted a divorce. My therapist insisted I give it six months of therapy before I did anything. 

We are ten months out, and we are in a great place. I'm sure reading this you are ready to stab him in the eyes yourself, but one thing about my H you need to know is, he is a changed man. Three therapists and couples counseling for the last ten months he has become the husband I always thought he was. He immediately stopped all contact with the other women and is eternally grateful for the gift of a second chance I have given him. He earns my love back every day. He was a very broken man with a lot of secrets that were destroying him. He thought about suicide daily in those early weeks and so did I. The pain of betrayal is so painful for both sides. It is hard to understand and believe I feel badly for him but I do. I have come a long way in understanding how broken he really was. 

He has vowed to earn back my trust every single day of his life and he is doing so. He tells me every day how sorry he is and shows me that he is sorry. He said he will regret to his dying day how he hurt me. He knows that I will never look at him the same way or feel the same way about him. The damage is done. Yes, we can stay together and be happy because we are both choosing to be together. I am not a Pollyanna and I am not "rug-sweeping". I know what he's done. I am devastated that he was capable of being such a narcissitic asshole. I have seen the transformation over these months and yeah, time will tell. I am taking it one day at a time. If he chooses to betray me again, I am not the fool. He will be. He knows one step out of line and I WILL divorce him. This is his last and only second chance. No thirds. 

The open marriage is talked and fought about daily. I don't know what will happen. I liked getting over my jealousy but he fucked it up. I don't know that I can ever be ok with him being with another woman now. He's still ok with me being with other guys, and frankly, I haven't ever lied to him so why should I give them up? He gets that. I just don't know if it's a good idea. So we keep talking.

We have twenty years plus together. We have two kids. We are in a band together. We have thousands of happy memories together, and yes, despite the pain, I still love him. For better or worse. I've been through worse. I'm holding out for better.

I am releasing the info for my other blog if you want to read it. It has been my lifeline to my sanity. 

www.inflictedandconflicted.blogspot.com

I welcome all your comments. Thank you for caring about me. I love you all.

Anna
XOXO

Moving on without Mickey

Looks like B may finally get his threesome with me and my hubby! We have 2 nights at the Chateau Marmont reserved for late October! If you know anything about Hollywood, you know that this is THE place to be! B lives on Mulholland Drive, which is just a short jaunt from there. We have been texting and I sent him pics of me and my hubby (naked ones too!) and he thinks we are both "sooooooooooo cute!!!" yay! (remember how we found him? We had placed a Craigslist ad in LA for a single guy for a threesome with us. He responded and although it didn't work out that night, he was clearly interested! I can't wait!

I opened my mailbox yesterday and there was a catalog for a well-known clothing store, and yep, there he was, B in several pics!!! It was an ad for teen clothes and yeah, he's 27 but obviously can pass for a teen! He had his usual 5 day shadow LOL and his long, wavy brown hair and big brown eyes and looked adorable and sexy. I took pics of the catalog and texted them to him and told him, "You were in my mailbox today!!"He loved it. He has a huge ego and I'm good at stroking it. (that's not all I'm good at stroking... hehehe).

BTW I am surprisingly FINE about Mickey's recent declaration. I think I've been through SO much with my hubby over the last six months, he just became less important to me. And he ultimately had to choose between me and her, and he chose her, and that's fine. I knew he would so I wasn't surprised. I do feel sad that we never really got very far together. There's a song that perfectly describes us but I can't think of it now. I'll post it soon as I think of it. Anyway, I guess it's over forever, but who knows. Maybe he'll marry her. She's only 21 and I see her marrying a smart professor, someone older eventually. He is not her intellectual equal and I think she will get bored with him eventually. Will he come back if she does dump him? Of course he will! Will I want him or care? Of course I will. He knows it. But I'm not holding my breath.

I've moved on too. And I'm happier than I've been in six months. It's been a long, hard, horrible journey to get here and Mickey showed his true colors--he ran. That's what he does. And then blames it on everyone else.

I'm fine without him. I miss him, but I don't miss the games he plays; the cat and mouse, the not expressing himself and disappearing for months at a time then reappearing. I hate the drama, it's not fun at all. I like Adam, he is turning out to be everything I wanted Mickey to be. Honest, direct, simple, and uncomplicated. No drama. He's the easiest person to be in a relationship with. I am happy with my hubby too, we have worked out our issues and are still working on our marriage so we never get tangled up in a mess like that ever again.

Goodbye Mickey, "one night, and one more time, thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great, see, he tastes like you but sweeter."---Fall Out Boy

Sex with two guys

The guest bedroom door had been pushed slightly ajar and I knew at that moment my hubby was watching me fucking Adam. The glow of the candlelight revealed our naked and very sweaty bodies pounding each other, out bodies slapping with each of his thrusts. It had been a long six months since we'd been together and he had actually not been with anyone since our last time together! I wasn't nearly as horny since my hubby and I have been fucking like rabbits, but I had missed him and had thought of him when he texted me from time to time.

He's only 26. Nearly half my age.

And he's super hot. Beautiful long chin-length blonde hair, straight as angel hair pasta and great to grab onto while I'm riding him. Pretty blue eyes, tall and slim, and awesome balls. (did I say that out loud???) He's kinda smallish on the other topic but it's still fun. I can take the whole thing in my mouth and not gag.

The evening started with my hubby and I sitting in a bar listening to a cover band that kinda sucked and which of course made us miss our own band and compare us. We had had a weekend with no kids! They were both out of town with their friends so we had an empty house! We started to get a little sauced which led us to want to get a little saucy hee hee so I texted Adam, thinking full well he works Saturday nights so it would just be fun texting him. He had a new work schedule and was off, and home, and bored, and my text came at a great time! He agreed to come meet us and hang out, which meant end up back at our house fucking me. Were we ready for that?????

What the hell. Why not?

Next thing I knew there he was, just as good looking as the last time I saw him, and he greeted my hubby with a very nice handshake and smiles on both guys, and a hug and kiss for me. He sat between us; it was a two-top table and we were sitting in bar stools. Very cozy. He doesn't drink alcohol because of his job; he gets random testing so he just had a Coke. My hubby ordered his fifth beer and I was on my third Grey Goose and Red Bull. It was the perfect drink combination for a night of sex.

We chatted over the band for about a half hour I think, then it was time to leave and get the party started. I asked him if he remembered how to get to our house and he smiled and said, "of course!", gave me a kiss on the mouth and we parted towards the parking lot.

I drove since my hubby had had more to drink than me. I was fine ironically; I think the adrenaline (and possibly the Red Bull) made me feel quite alert. It was about a 20 minute drive home and it was exciting knowing my "boyfriend" was following us there.

My hubby and I got home first and we kissed passionately by the front door, waiting for Adam. He whispered to me, "have fun with your boyfriend--don't forget about me." I said, "thank you babe, and I won't, don't worry!!" and he went up to our room and got in bed to wait for me. Adam was here right away and it was fun letting him in again. He took off his shoes and left them by the door, and we went straight upstairs to the guest room.

My hubby had lit some candles for both rooms, and I had brought two into the guest room. For me, nothing sets the mood like flickering candles.  I don't even remember taking off our clothes, I just remember him being in his boxers (so fucking cute!!!!) and me in my bra and panties. My hubby had given me the cutest bras when we reconciled and I was wearing one of them for my boyfriend. How sexy is THAT???

He is a fun lover. He's very silly and doesn't take sex seriously. When our bodies were slapping against each other, we were totally into it and moaning and grinding, and then he'd giggle cuz the sound was funny. I like it; I'm totally 100% comfortable with him. The only thing I don't like is he won't go down on me! I am determined to make him like it! I don't know what his problem is and I plan on addressing it eventually. Right now, I'm happy to just enjoy sex with a hot 26 year old guy who's totally into me!!!

I was conscious of my hubby watching from the doorway and it was so hot. I knew Adam didn't know he was being watched and I didn't let on. I did glance my hubby's way several times to make eye contact with him even though it was pitch black in the hall and I couldn't see him--I knew he was there watching us. I'd have preferred to have had us all in the bed together but Adam wasn't into that unfortunately.

So...I had some fun with Adam for about 1/2 hour, 45 min or so then told him, "I'll be back...I'm going to go see my hubby." He was adorable and perfect, laying there so sexy, and he said, "the most important thing is you take care of him and don't have any problems between you." HE IS GOING TO REPLACE MICKEY IF HE HASN'T ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That made me SO happy!!! He truly cares about both of us. That's just what we've always wanted. I wanted it to be Mickey, and it was for a time. That chapter is over and done with.

I left him there, sweaty and naked, laying on his back, and went to my bedroom and got in bed with my hubby. His dick was hard and ready for me, and he was full of passion. He took me in his arms and held me tight and entered me immediately. He loved the feeling of my already wet vagina and I loved having a bigger dick inside me. I loved the connection we have between us...so much love. We made love for just a short while and he told me to go finish off my boyfriend and come back. I did what I was told.

I walked back into the candlelit guest room and my sexy boytoy was still laying on his back, waiting for me to come back to him. He turned and looked at me and smiled, and I went to him. He got hard so fast and within minutes we were back at it fucking like escaped jailbirds. I love all the different positions we get into, just like with my hubby, we are acrobats in the bedroom! My favorite thing he does is fuck me while holding me in the air, my legs wrapped around his torso and he holds my ass. It always makes him giggle and then me too as we realize how ridiculous we look. He finally came fucking me in the missionary position; he commented he was surprised he lasted so long after not having had sex for so long! I teased him, "I just can't believe a guy as hot as you hasn't had any in six months." He said he just doesn't like the young girls he meets; says they're all so immature and terrible in bed! He said I was worth waiting for. Just what I loved to hear.

I didn't bask in the afterglow too long cuz I was eager to return to my hubby. We cleaned up and kissed and I said he was welcome to spend the night, but he said that was ok, he should get going. I was fine with that. I thought it best too; I wanted to focus on my hubby and our relationship and I'd had my fun. I always said the reason the open marriage worked for me was I never spent the night with anyone; I'd fuck them and leave them. I told him, "thank you, that was awesome, hope to see you again soon," and he responded, "oh you will sexy, you will," and I left him there and walked back down the hallway to my hubby.

He greeted me again under the covers with his big hard dick and passionate kisses. I was happy to be back in his arms. He got on top of me and fucked me hard, then pulled out and went down on me since my boytoy hadn't wanted to do. I came right away; it felt so fucking good. He licked me up and down and tasted him and it was so fucking hot. He grabbed me hard and entered me again and fucked me so hard I screamed, he screamed and came so loud and forceful our dog started barking his head off! We laughed then and it was so awesome. Sweaty and exhausted, he flopped onto his back and we just panted like dogs ourselves.

What a fun night!

I became the "other woman"

Well Mickey has officially broke it off with me.  He sent me a middle-of-the-night text, "please don't send me any messages." This was in response to a heart emoticon I sent him, accidentally by the way, I had been texting my daughter hearts. I had been asleep, who knows how I sent it accidentally but anyway, yeah, that was the response I got.  I hadn't heard from him since April, and I had sent him a few texts here and there and hadn't gotten any response. I was shocked. I was completely unprepared for that. To which I wrote back, "Why don't you want to talk to me?" followed by four more texts (I was ignoring the, "please don't send me any messages" text obviously. "What happened?" "Please explain", "Did I do something to offend you?" Then, "Hmmmm, ok....8 years and no explanation". I fell asleep then and never heard another peep out of him.

Then I took my phone with me to go to the bathroom in the morning and checked my email (out of boredom, that's what i do on the toilet LOL) and he had sent me an email from his new email address.

"Sorry....please I can't mess things up with my GF I'm trying to get everything in line in my life. When you message me like you just did she sees everything". OH OK THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY. I'M BACK WITH MY GF. I WOULD'VE RESPECTED THAT ASSHOLE!

I responded; "Aw thank you for explaining! I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I wish you all the best and please know that I am always here for you." I intentionally left out, "all my love" or "love always, Anna" and all that since I knew the GF was going to see it. I thought, OK, it's over, for now, and good for him. I want him to be happy. I wasn't even upset. I knew it would end this way eventually. I haven't seen him in 2 years, two years today he came to see us before we moved here clear across the country. I knew moving here would end things as it would just be too hard with the distance. But like I said, I was ok.

BUT WAIT!! THERE'S MORE!!!

After I responded, I went back to read the rest of my new email messages, and there was another by him he'd written at 6:05 am that I hadn't seen. This one I could've done without. He had made his point in the other email; my BFF thinks she put him up to it but I don't think so. This one hurt.

"Please don't contact me anymore, this whole thing has ruined my life and I can't do this anymore. Ive been hurt so much and I can't take anymore".

That was it. Did I need to hear that I ruined his life????? Jesus H Christ!!!

I don't know what happened between them. I don't know if she read this blog. I don't know if she found out that her beloved likes guys too. I don't know how much she found out about me, all I know is I have left her alone and would never hurt her OR him. I think she's adorable and good for him; why on earth would I hurt her??? He has told me he was always single when we were involved, which may or may not be the truth. All he had to do is issue a pre-emptive strike and things might've gone differently for him. If he'd called me, or texted me, or sent me an email, "Hey sweetie, things are getting serious with my GF.  I really want to give this relationship a chance. I know you love me and want me to be happy, as happy as you are with your hubby. Let's cool it and let me be the first to contact you if things don't work out. You have meant the world to me, and I love you and wish you guys all the best."That's all he had to say.

My hubby, who knows all about lying and avoiding conflict, said he didn't do that because he "didn't want to hurt my feelings". WTF???? HOW WOULD THAT HAVE HURT MY FEELINGS??? This is so much worse!!! Instead of telling me something helpful and loving, now he's accusing me of ruining his life because HE didn't handle his personal life truthfully!!! That hurts. He has brought me lots of pain as well, and I never told him nor made him feel bad about himself for it. I refuse to accept that I ruined his life. My hubby says that he isn't angry at me, he's angry at himself. I believe that.

I also believe she has the right to know who he really is before she commits to him. If they stay together now, they will have an honest relationship. She is only 21 years old for God's sake, too young to commit herself to any guy let alone someone who is so messed up. She seems like she's an extremely intelligent, beautiful and honest girl and deserves to be treated better. If she wants him, and let's be honest, he is worth it, I truly believe that, after all I've been in love with the guy for 8 years now, she deserves to know him the way I know him. She may know his favorite color, his favorite food and how he leaves the seat up (if he does), but I know how kinky he really is and how he told me she won't do the things sexually he wants to do. Maybe now she either will, or she won't, and he can live a "vanilla" lifestyle and put up with it to have her and be secretly miserable (which will lead him to cheat on her, as he has done) or she'll accept that part of him and participate. Either way, this pain will cause them both to grow and be closer.

I refuse to accept that I've "ruined his life". His deception, his conflict-avoidance, and his game-playing to keep us both has ruined his life. There was a time not too long ago he was prepared to move here and be with us; he said only if I'd give him my car and I wasn't willing to do that. My hubby gave me that car to cheer me up when Mickey left California for Oregon and and broke my heart. He knows that story, and that was my one thing I refused to acquiesce on. I told him, "You can drive it all you want if you come live with me, but I can't give it to you. You understand right? I can't do that to my hubby." He understood. He thought seriously about moving here. He would've been very happy here.

We can't go back, we can only move forward. I am not sorry for having him in my life, if anything, he changed me and my life forever and I don't regret a thing. I miss him and I will miss him but something tells me he'll be back.

If not, I'm still okay. I will always love Mickey and not a day goes by that I don't think of him.

I wish him well.

What to do about our not-so-open marriage??

Sexy Adam has not forgotten me. He has been patiently waiting for me for over 5 months now. He's been texting me and wanting to hook up. My hubby has encouraged me to do so, but I am wary now. Being that we almost divorced, I think we need to give our relationship some time before we start jumping into other people's beds (or others jumping into ours!!!) Much as it worked for me, clearly, the open marriage didn't work for him, and I'm not about to risk it.

I am wondering what is up with Mickey. Haven't heard a peep out of him. I've been on Yahoo messenger, I've sent him emails. I've tried texting and calling, and discovered he's changed his phone number AND deleted one of his email addresses. BUT---his Facebook is active, adding new "friends" all the time, even though it's set to private it does show when new friends added. Also, his GF has a really touching picture of him on her page, it's her "wall" pic, and he's standing on a deserted dock, holding a dog leash in his left hand, her stupid little dog on the other end of it taking a crap. The pic is from behind, and he looks stunning. Fuck them both. Whatever.

My BFF tells me, "he's done it before. Just relax. He'll be back." Yeah, maybe. We do this dance all the time. Whatever. I do find myself missing him a lot lately.  I know he was quite upset that my H and I were separated and I wanted to tell him our good news that we are back together, but he is AWOL.

Gotta run, hubby almost home. It's Friday and it's happy hour somewhere!

My Slutty afternoon--I'm still smiling

I knew the moment our eyes met that I wanted to go back to my place and fuck him. I was sitting at the bar of a nice Mexican restaurant that was pleasantly dim-lit and bustling with the typical business-man lunch crowd. I was uncomfortable enough sitting alone at a bar all dressed up and I noticed with all the guys staring at me. Even the busboys, all Hispanic, one-by-one kept making excuses to come up and see if I needed anything. I was bemused. I ordered a Grey Goose and sugar-free Red Bull. It was one o'clock in the afternoon. Mr-Same-Name-as-my-Hubby finally agreed to meet me--he suggested a Starbucks but I knew I needed a drink.  I was so nervous, horny and excited, and I felt like such a slut. I hoped I didn't run into anyone I knew.

I got there a little early to get my bearings. I was glad I did. I'd finished about half my vodka when Mr. Good Looking walked in. He spotted me right away. I smiled in relief when I saw him. He was definitely as cute as his pics. He was smaller than I imagined--about 5-9, small in stature but very good looking.  Short black hair, very blue eyes, a dimple in his chin and full sexy lips. Mmmmm. He was dressed in a nice blue suit, white dress shirt, and simple blue and black striped tie. Yum. 

I got up and gave him a welcome hug.  We were both smiling. I felt at ease with him instantly. He had a calm demeanor, and we seemed to click right away.  I was wearing a sexy black knit mini-skirt, black leggings, and 4-inch black velvet stillettos and a navy blue blouse that showed off my cleavage. I felt pretty good about my looks and I liked all the attention I was getting.  He sat down next to me and just ordered a glass of water. Conversation flowed easily; he seemed comfortable in his own skin and clearly a good listener as well as a speaker. He's a financial planner; very successful at only age 25. I was impressed but he talked in such a way that wasn't braggy. I really liked him.I could smell his cologne and I was getting so wet staring at his sexy mouth as he talked.

We chatted for about a half hour, and I felt like I could spend all day talking with him. BUT---we met later than I had planned (he'd had an appointment) and I had to work at 3:00 so I glanced at my iphone and saw that it was almost 2:00! I smiled and said, "well, we'd better get going if we're going to have any fun." He smiled and said, "Let's go!" He followed me in his brand-new Mercedes to my house. Thankfully, it was only a 10 minute drive. I couldn't wait to get that suit off of him.

I gave him a very brief tour of the main floor of my house, and he met my over-zealous dog and they liked each other instantly. I took this as a good sign.  Chatting about something, I don't remember what, I led him upstairs to my bedroom. To the bedroom I share with my husband, who shares the same name as him. We had less than an hour, but I knew it would be perfect.

I closed my bedroom door, and he was standing by my bed. He took off his jacket, and seeing that it was a very nice suit jacket, I offered to hang it up for him. He politely accepted. "To keep the dog hair off" I laughed. I went into my walk-in closet and hung it up for him, and when I came back, he was still completely dressed otherwise. I slowly loosened up his tie, which he then took off. I unbuttoned all the buttons on his dress shirt and loosened up his belt, and then I pulled him close to me and kissed him. Mmm I wanted him so badly and loved rubbing up against the hard cock in his pants. I love this part of lovemaking--the "just before" part. Where the desire is SO strong and you know what's ahead. The anticipation. I love to make it last.

He was so gentle, I felt instantly relaxed. I knew I could take charge with this guy. I was making out with him, fully clothed. It was electric. I remembered I had to get to work soon so we had to get busy. I loosened up his belt and unbuttoned the top button of his pants. He took them off and I got down to my lavendar panties and bra. He giggled about taking off his socks. With his T-shirt still on, I laid down on the bed and he climbed on top of me. We kissed and made out, but he was very passive. Not like my hubby or Mickey, who quickly grab and suck my breasts. He didn't even try to lick my pussy. (Maybe it was the time factor-if I get another chance with him we'll see).  He did finger me and played with my clit. Mmmm I wanted more. Damn job!!

We were laying now side-by-side, and I couldn't wait to put his hard cock in my mouth. I gave him the best BJ I'm sure he's ever had (hehe) and then reached over to my side table drawer and pulled out a condom. He tore it open and put it on--I do think that is incredibly sexy!--and I climbed on top of him and put that big dick inside me. He fucked me hard. Mr. Passive fucked me hard and after a 6-month dry spell (yes, Jake was my last other guy besides my hubby!) it felt so fucking good to fuck a new guy. I couldn't get enough. I didn't want to stop. I considered calling in sick to work right in the middle of fucking him. We went at it hard, changing positions, and just fucking, fucking, fucking. It was awesome. 

His body was small; like Mickey's, but his cock wasn't (just like Mickey's). Mmmm, maybe something will develop with this hottie and I can forget about Mickey once and for all.

As much fun as we were having, I needed him to cum so I could get to work! He knew it too and told me, "turn around". He wanted me doggy-style. He put his hands on my hips and fucked me harder than he had all afternoon; I was grabbing onto the comforter with both hands as tight as I could and screaming into it. It felt amazing. Sure enough, he came hard and grabbed me from behind and held me tight. After he pulled out, I took the condom off for him and went to the bathroom and flushed it. I came back and he was shaking. "Are you ok?" I asked him. "Yeah", he said, "That was awesome!" I told him yeah, it was, and that I was sorry I had to go so quickly. That I wish we had more time together. He agreed.

I went to get my dorky uniform, and he was putting his suit back on. Damn he looked hot. I love a good-looking guy in a suit--I love taking it off of them!! I grabbed my clothes and got dressed next to him. It was fun, I couldn't help but just watch him. It was sexy. His blue eyes really shone in the daylight sun coming through my bedroom windows.

We hurried downstairs and when we got to the door, I stopped and held him for a moment. I gave him a kiss and looked him in those blue eyes and said, "will I see you again?" and he said, "yes, definitely!" I said, "Oh good!" and we left. I had a smile all the way to work (btw I was 10 minutes late!) and I'm still smiling.

Crazy vacation shit

I was so fucking excited to go to California and see B, you have no idea. I spent days prepping--got my pretty fake tan just so, worked out as usual (I'm at a great weight right now), and had my roots touched up. All the planets were aligned and off I went. We had texted the night before that I would text him when I landed in LA and he was going to meet me at my hotel. I was getting super horny and thinking nasty thoughts the whole 4-1/2 hour plane ride. I couldn't wait to get there!

No sooner had I gotten to my hotel room and texted him, I got a text from a girlfriend of mine from the city I just moved from.  She told me a mutual friend of ours (I'll call her Erica) had passed away. This friend just happens to be the girl my hubby and I had a 3sum with back in April (see my blogs about her May 2011--titled "Aftermath" and "Tables are Turned"). I was instantly in shock. WTF???!! Sitting in my beautiful poolside suite, waiting to hear from B, my phone started blowing up. Calls coming in from friends about Erica. Each of us trying to get info about what happened to her. I had to call my hubby--he began sobbing. It was horrible. 

Next thing I knew, several hours had passed by--I'd cried off all my makeup and was exhausted,  and still nothing from B. I showered and got dressed up and decided to go downstairs and get myself some dinner. I still thought I was going to see him, and I hadn't eaten all day. After my solo dinner with all the hired help stumbling over themselves --it was so good for my ego--B finally called me. His voice was sexy and gravelly and he was telling me about something he had to do and would call me in a half hour. I decided to go wait for him in the bar. The bar at this hotel is like U-shaped, and I was sitting in the "U" when guy came and sat to the left of me. He wasn't cute, but I was bored and getting drunk. I had absolutely nothing better in the world to do than sit there and get drunk. I didn't have my kids, or hubby, I had no place I needed to be in the morning, and B wasn't calling me back. So I ordered another Grey Goose and Red Bull and chatted up the guy to my left.  I wasn't attracted to him AT ALL, I was just bored. He must've thought otherwise, cuz next thing I knew, we were in the elevator together. My floor was the 3rd, and his was the 5th, but i realized he got out with me and was walking to my room. I don't think I'd been this drunk in ages! What a shame about B. I was really disappointed. But I had a new problem--this guy was sitting on the edge of my bed and somehow I'd stupidly given him my phone number!! I was in a drunken haze and thankfully he was a gentleman and finally left after I thwarted one of his kisses.  I ignored his texts about what he wanted to do to me--"I can come back!"--bleh!!! and passed out. 

Yes, I woke up with a terrible hangover. I also woke up to realize my friend was dead. This thought sobered me up.  My phone had a zillion text messages waiting for me about her and I had new info that she was indeed still alive, albeit in a coma. She was on life support awaiting the possibility of her donating her organs. This was so upsetting. WTF happened to her??!! More questions than answers. She was in a hospital about 3 hours away--I was tempted to drive there but for what? She was in a coma, and they were planning on taking her off life support. I didn't really know her that well and I didn't really belong there.  I went and spent the entire day and evening with my parents and family there in LA.

When I got back to my hotel room around midnight, again I freshened up and went downstairs to the bar. Too late!! They had already closed!! So all dressed up and nowhere to go, I went back to my room and texted Mickey. He responded right away--he was at work and bored. I told him what happened to my friend, how I was in LA alone and how I had wanted to go see him in Oregon but that he waited to long to tell me if he wanted me to come or not and now tickets were like $700 so I couldn't go. I decided to have some fun and tried on a sexy dress and heels I'd brought to wear to go see B--and started taking pictures of myself in the mirror.

Mickey loved them! I took about 25 pics in various poses--in the gorgeous dress and heels--"you look amazing!!" Mickey gushed--and then stripped for him, one click at a time. It was so fun. Sexy and fun and he was full of compliments. I finally got so turned on I got in bed and had to make myself climax. All that pent-up sexual frustration from B standing me up. I fell asleep happy, feeling like Mickey was back in my life--that he'd never left. I wonder if his GF has her own version of their relationship and he has HIS own. He texted me he was looking for a new roommate....so....does she live with him or not?? What's with the whole "domestic partnership" thing?? I really don't know. He's too busy to talk to me. Or involved with her. Who knows. I was lonely and bored and feeling rejected and somehow Mickey always comes through for me when I need him.

The next night I was alone too, no plans. B finally called me again and made up some sort of lame excuse and said very sweetly and sincerely that he would 'make it up to me". Whatever. It's been 2 weeks and still haven't heard a peep.

The next day, my last day in LA, my BFF met me at my hotel and we spent like 14 hours shopping, eating, walking on the pier, watching the surfers and the seagulls, talking and talking and talking. It was so wonderful. I even decided to commemorate the day by getting a tattoo and I ended up doing just that!!

The black cloud of our friend's eventual death Saturday morning got darker when we found out she'd taken her life. My only vacation in a year to have this horrible news turned my weekend into a spiritual awakening of sorts. I felt so alive back in the fresh air and great weather and vowed to figure out a way to get back there. Also, one knows what Erica meant to me and my hubby. No one can ever know. It's a secret she obviously took to her grave and we'll take to ours. So very very sad.

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I am done with B and the Irish guy and all the ones who just don't show up. I promptly got back on the website and found a new hottie! His name is the same as my hubby's and we have been sexting heavily. Two nights in a row now he's made a video for me---if you know what I mean---and sent them to me. Get this--he actually lives 15 minutes away and has been begging to come see me!! I told him sorry, gotta meet you in public first. I'm all about first impressions. I will know ASAP if he's someone who's going to get my panties off.

I am really excited!! Thursday's the day!!!

What a week. 

        

The sex is gonna be so awesome....

If you've read that last post of mine, you have a good idea of how I feel about Mickey right now. So--it should go without saying that I did NOT buy a plane ticket to see him. I don't know if I wrote about it, but about 3 days ago, I got tired of waiting for him to respond about the fact that I'd (lied) and said "flights are so cheap, I bought I ticket to come see you. Even if all we do is have dinner. " Never heard anything, so I poked him and sent a text that said, "So, what's up for next weekend?" He wrote back immediately; said, "what do you mean?" guess he forgot what I'd said a week earlier. (maybe his GF saw it and deleted it, who knows) but anyway, I wrote again that flights were cheap and that I bought a ticket to come see him, even if only for dinner. He responded, "so you want to fly up here for dinner?" I answered back, "well, I'd like more but yeah." He wrote, "Err, I just don't think it's worth it for you to do that." I said,"I can't imagine flying all the way to the west coast and not seeing you. I miss you and I'd love to see you." Never heard back.

Now, dear readers, remember this is before the revelation of a three-year anniversary celebration. For all I knew at that moment, he was single, or maybe seeing someone, cuz he never mentioned HER. Of course, I knew about her, cuz of her Twitter. But I figured it's his burden not mine. He has cheated on her before with me so why would this be any different--he said he wasn't in love, wasn't serious, she owed him money. So I thought I'd go see him.

Since I never heard from him, I didn't actually buy a ticket, and when I went to, they were astronomical. $700 round trip to go 700 miles. Forget it. I was so disappointed; but now I'm thankful. Because knowing what I know now, he really only had two choices--cheat on her, or ditch me. And let's face it, ditching me is a whole lot easier. He really doesn't want me to come. He told me himself, and I quote, "I wouldn't get to spend a whole night with you like I want." So, he wants me to come some OTHER time, God knows when, so we can spend a whole night together. Well, forget it. I'm done. He wants me? He can fucking come see me. And pay for it himself.

On a good note, B has been calling me and we are seeing each other right after I get off the plane tomorrow!! He's so sexy and slutty. I don't know what his thing is about getting me pregnant but he's so persistent. My BFF saw his new commercial and she was drooling over him. "Damn girl!! That's your "B"??? WOWZA!!" She was very impressed. I can't wait to see him. I love his smile, love his body, and love the way he stares into my eyes and is so sweet and gentle. MMMMM yummy!!

I'll write details when I get back. I'm hoping he'll let me take a couple of body pics since he wouldn't let me take any face pics last time. Probably worried I'll go to the National Enquirer or something LOL I'd never do that!!! I just want a pic of us together, just for me.

Ciao my beautiful readers, hope you all have a safe and sexy weekend as well!

Love,
Anna XO

Polygamy, polyamory, and the benefits of having sex with other people

At work last night, I was listening to a conversation between two co-workers about jealousy in relationships. He's a married guy , about 27, construction worker, with a pregnant wife, who admitted to having cheated on her about a year ago. She's 24, single, intelligent and a psychology student in college. I missed part of their conversation, but I heard them debating the minute differences between an acceptable flirtation from another's partner from a stranger and an unacceptable flirtation. I had to silence my amusement. I didn't say a word. I thought to myself, "if only they knew about me...." and "if only they knew it didn't have to be that way."

As they talked, I was thinking about how much my attitudes about other women have changed in the 8 or 9 years since my hubby and I became swingers. I remember my husband going to a strip bar for his bachelor party and how upset I got. Puh-leeeeze. I can't believe I used to get so jealous.

I honestly think every woman should have a sexual encounter with another woman with her man. (maybe even several!!!) and I also think every guy should have a sexual encounter with another man and his woman. We have much to gain.

If you're reading this, I'm guessing you're pretty open-minded to this idea, if you haven't already done a variation on this yourself. I love that about you!! After Haley's visit, I started to really realize how much her visit did for ME, not to mention boost my hubby's self-esteem.

I was thinking about the way she showed my hubby where my G-spot was (twenty years together and we'd never found it!) and the way she lovingly admired and complimented my girl parts. It was so touching! A woman talks to another woman so differently than a man talks to a woman in bed. How many of you "vanilla" women (meaning "monogamous") wonder what other women are like in bed? Do you wonder if you're "good" enough? Do you wonder what another woman's orgasm looks like? What do other women like? Can you handle seeing your guy touch another woman and let her please him? It's a way to get a glimpse of what your man would be like if he left you/cheated on you/you died and he replaced you. In a safe way. BECAUSE YOU'RE WATCHING

I know this is blasphemous to a great many people, which is why I have to stay anonymous. How many of my "friends" would never speak to me again if they knew? But I believe with my whole heart and soul that my hubby and I have a closer and more honest relationship BECAUSE WE HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  We face our demons head-on.

Listening to my co-workers last night, it's clear how many people in traditional monogamous relationships believe that we have a right to "own" another person's body and thoughts. It's really amazing. I cringe now when I think back to remembering when I felt that way. How DARE my boyfriend look at another woman's breasts and fantasize about her! What did that say about ME? Didn't that reduce me in his eyes? Didn't it mean I wasn't enough for him? Didn't it mean that I needed a boob job or some other work? NO. It doesn't mean any of those things.

It is so freeing to be able to tell each other, "isn't she/he hot? I'd do him/her right now if I could!!" without feeling threatened!! To actually encourage each other to flirt and be intimate with another person without feeling threatened?! It's a tightrope we walk every day. To say we never get jealous would be a lie. It comes with the lifestyle. BUT---and it's a big but----we deal with it. Couples that swing have no reason to cheat.  Why would I sneak around behind my hubby's back if I can just tell him instead?

In my never-to-be-humble opinion, marriages end because of the fairy-tale idea that there is a "one-and-only" out there for us and we should never ever ever ever ever ever desire another human being. This is an archaic and impossible way to live. Admitting our attractions to other people--even if we don't act on them--is healthy in a relationship. Once we get past the honeymoon stage, it's inevitable and we stick our heads in the sand to deny it.

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I have to take a moment to comment on a new show out there called, "Sister Wives". No, I haven't seen it, but the cast was on Dr. Phil a few weeks back and I did see that. Basically, it's polygamy. A guy has three "wives" (only one is really considered a "legal" wife) and they have about 25 children between them. They have a huge house, and every "wife" has her own bedroom and the husband stays with each wife one-at-a-time, alternating nights. He admitted he doesn't have his own bedroom. He's not that good-looking at all, but it's apparent to me that he must be great in bed--not having his own room for the occasional night he's not in the mood and pleasing 3 women on a continual basis?? hee hee wow I'd love to get a glimpse of the size of his cock......whoops!! Got off topic and distracted.....

Ok, so here's the thing people---this is NOT polyamory. This is polygamy. There is a HUGE fucking difference. You know what the biggest difference is between the two? The fucking!! In a polygamous relationship, the wives are all having sex with the husband and he's having sex with them--but one-on-one. The women do NOT have sex with each other. (Like I said, the guy must be a total stud). In a polyamorous situation, everyone has sex with everybody else (usually). And it's not just about the husband. A wife can have several male lovers. I've never heard of a polygamist being a woman with several husbands. WHY THE FUCK NOT???????   I wouldn't call Mickey my "husband" nor would he call me his "wife" if he moved in with us. He'd simply be our or my lover. Same with Haley or any other woman if she came to be involved with us on a regular basis, or even moved in. Yes, if children came from any of these relationships, we'd raise them all together like the polygamous family on TV. But we wouldn't say we were "married" to each other, because in polymory, we don't own each other.

Another big difference is that in polygamy, religion is usually the reason they are together. This TV family is a hugely religious family. My hubby and I consider ourselves "spiritual" but don't believe in organized religion. We are not morally bankrupt because we have an open marriage! Just because we don't have sex with other people purely for procreation doesn't make us any less ethical than polygamists. One is against the law; the other isn't.  You can't legally marry more than one person at a time in our society. I think that maybe that is the last taboo--why can't you?? What harm are they doing? They claim to be very happy in their situation so who are we to judge? And the kids are happy! I think that in this day and age, the one-size-fits-all household went by the wayside more than a decade ago when it became socially acceptable for single moms and two-gay moms and or dads. Is this really so way-out there? I think not.

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I feel sexier and better about myself having had sex with other women, and I am more attracted to my hubby as well. Having had multiple partners--men and women, and couples (safe sex always...I must add) has deepened our trust and love for each other. It doesn't diminish what we feel for each other, as we always put our relationship first. And when we have struggles, we talk about it. I no longer feel unattractive as I have opened up myself to having partners of both sexes. I don't get creeped out like I used to in my younger days when a girl sidles up to me in a bar restroom and tells me how pretty I am. I think, "ooooo, you're a hottie too!" and who knows what the night will hold after that? And when a young guy hottie shows interest, I can go there too. It's wonderful. My hang-ups are pretty much gone now, as I know how to please not only guys in bed but women too. And I'll never forget Haley telling me I have the "prettiest little pussy she'd ever seen". That just makes my day.