I've been in hell, sorry i haven't posted in a while

Hello my dear readers, yes, you read that right, I've been in HELL for 10 weeks now. My hubby and I are having some serious marital problems. That's all I'm going to say on that subject. It's put a hold on our swinging lifestyle and yes, it hasn't been fun at all. I had to tell my two lovers I can't see them anytime soon. I miss them! They text me to check in from time to time but the answer is still the same, not yet. Sorry.

Let me just add this folks--for any of you married folk considering opening up your marriage the way we did--PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reconsider. If only ONE of you is truly 'open", it's NOT an open marriage.

The whole idea of an open marriage is a marriage where both people can have sex with other people. The kicker is, YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR SPOUSE BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENS WITH OTHER PEOPLE. You have to let the other person know when you find someone attractive, you should be comfortable telling them. If you want to meet that person, have lunch or drinks or kissing or sex, YOU ADMIT IT BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENS. Anything less than that is called CHEATING PEOPLE.

Traditional (monogamous) couples know that if one of them is kissing another person, you have broken your wedding vows. If you have sex with someone else, you have broken your vows. If you have an open marriage and do these things without telling your spouse, you have broken your vows. It's no different. You have to honor each other and the committments you have made.

Only one of us truly was capable of having an open marriage. And you can tell from this post, that person is me. I kept honest and true to my marriage and the rules of conduct within an open marriage.

I implore other married couples to do some REAL soul-searching, and maybe some counseling, before opening up your marriage to include other people.

I wish I had.

Love,
Anna XO

another guy flakes out on me.....

OK WTF is going on??!!! Mr. Same-name-as-my-hubby cancelled meeting me yet again yesterday, and begged me to give him another chance. He begged he'd "make it up to me". Well, I texted him 3 times today--spaced out like 3 hours apart...never heard back. I told him "you could make it up to me tomorrow." Crickets. I finally wrote a little while ago, "Did I do something wrong?? You're not writing back." Still nothing. Now remember, he's courted me for a YEAR. He never had a face pic so I ignored him. I didn't realize what a hottie he was. Now I'm smitten and more than a little pissed off!! WTF???!!

Can anyone tell me what I keep doing wrong??!! Is it me??!! I am honest and I plan to show up. With this guy, I didn't even mention I was married, in case that was what was scaring these guys away--you know, worrying some crazed husband was going to come after them. I played it like I was single. So WTF. I'm bummed.

I'm really getting tired of this. Aren't there any guys out there that really want to meet me? :(

Polygamy, polyamory, and the benefits of having sex with other people

At work last night, I was listening to a conversation between two co-workers about jealousy in relationships. He's a married guy , about 27, construction worker, with a pregnant wife, who admitted to having cheated on her about a year ago. She's 24, single, intelligent and a psychology student in college. I missed part of their conversation, but I heard them debating the minute differences between an acceptable flirtation from another's partner from a stranger and an unacceptable flirtation. I had to silence my amusement. I didn't say a word. I thought to myself, "if only they knew about me...." and "if only they knew it didn't have to be that way."

As they talked, I was thinking about how much my attitudes about other women have changed in the 8 or 9 years since my hubby and I became swingers. I remember my husband going to a strip bar for his bachelor party and how upset I got. Puh-leeeeze. I can't believe I used to get so jealous.

I honestly think every woman should have a sexual encounter with another woman with her man. (maybe even several!!!) and I also think every guy should have a sexual encounter with another man and his woman. We have much to gain.

If you're reading this, I'm guessing you're pretty open-minded to this idea, if you haven't already done a variation on this yourself. I love that about you!! After Haley's visit, I started to really realize how much her visit did for ME, not to mention boost my hubby's self-esteem.

I was thinking about the way she showed my hubby where my G-spot was (twenty years together and we'd never found it!) and the way she lovingly admired and complimented my girl parts. It was so touching! A woman talks to another woman so differently than a man talks to a woman in bed. How many of you "vanilla" women (meaning "monogamous") wonder what other women are like in bed? Do you wonder if you're "good" enough? Do you wonder what another woman's orgasm looks like? What do other women like? Can you handle seeing your guy touch another woman and let her please him? It's a way to get a glimpse of what your man would be like if he left you/cheated on you/you died and he replaced you. In a safe way. BECAUSE YOU'RE WATCHING

I know this is blasphemous to a great many people, which is why I have to stay anonymous. How many of my "friends" would never speak to me again if they knew? But I believe with my whole heart and soul that my hubby and I have a closer and more honest relationship BECAUSE WE HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  We face our demons head-on.

Listening to my co-workers last night, it's clear how many people in traditional monogamous relationships believe that we have a right to "own" another person's body and thoughts. It's really amazing. I cringe now when I think back to remembering when I felt that way. How DARE my boyfriend look at another woman's breasts and fantasize about her! What did that say about ME? Didn't that reduce me in his eyes? Didn't it mean I wasn't enough for him? Didn't it mean that I needed a boob job or some other work? NO. It doesn't mean any of those things.

It is so freeing to be able to tell each other, "isn't she/he hot? I'd do him/her right now if I could!!" without feeling threatened!! To actually encourage each other to flirt and be intimate with another person without feeling threatened?! It's a tightrope we walk every day. To say we never get jealous would be a lie. It comes with the lifestyle. BUT---and it's a big but----we deal with it. Couples that swing have no reason to cheat.  Why would I sneak around behind my hubby's back if I can just tell him instead?

In my never-to-be-humble opinion, marriages end because of the fairy-tale idea that there is a "one-and-only" out there for us and we should never ever ever ever ever ever desire another human being. This is an archaic and impossible way to live. Admitting our attractions to other people--even if we don't act on them--is healthy in a relationship. Once we get past the honeymoon stage, it's inevitable and we stick our heads in the sand to deny it.

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I have to take a moment to comment on a new show out there called, "Sister Wives". No, I haven't seen it, but the cast was on Dr. Phil a few weeks back and I did see that. Basically, it's polygamy. A guy has three "wives" (only one is really considered a "legal" wife) and they have about 25 children between them. They have a huge house, and every "wife" has her own bedroom and the husband stays with each wife one-at-a-time, alternating nights. He admitted he doesn't have his own bedroom. He's not that good-looking at all, but it's apparent to me that he must be great in bed--not having his own room for the occasional night he's not in the mood and pleasing 3 women on a continual basis?? hee hee wow I'd love to get a glimpse of the size of his cock......whoops!! Got off topic and distracted.....

Ok, so here's the thing people---this is NOT polyamory. This is polygamy. There is a HUGE fucking difference. You know what the biggest difference is between the two? The fucking!! In a polygamous relationship, the wives are all having sex with the husband and he's having sex with them--but one-on-one. The women do NOT have sex with each other. (Like I said, the guy must be a total stud). In a polyamorous situation, everyone has sex with everybody else (usually). And it's not just about the husband. A wife can have several male lovers. I've never heard of a polygamist being a woman with several husbands. WHY THE FUCK NOT???????   I wouldn't call Mickey my "husband" nor would he call me his "wife" if he moved in with us. He'd simply be our or my lover. Same with Haley or any other woman if she came to be involved with us on a regular basis, or even moved in. Yes, if children came from any of these relationships, we'd raise them all together like the polygamous family on TV. But we wouldn't say we were "married" to each other, because in polymory, we don't own each other.

Another big difference is that in polygamy, religion is usually the reason they are together. This TV family is a hugely religious family. My hubby and I consider ourselves "spiritual" but don't believe in organized religion. We are not morally bankrupt because we have an open marriage! Just because we don't have sex with other people purely for procreation doesn't make us any less ethical than polygamists. One is against the law; the other isn't.  You can't legally marry more than one person at a time in our society. I think that maybe that is the last taboo--why can't you?? What harm are they doing? They claim to be very happy in their situation so who are we to judge? And the kids are happy! I think that in this day and age, the one-size-fits-all household went by the wayside more than a decade ago when it became socially acceptable for single moms and two-gay moms and or dads. Is this really so way-out there? I think not.

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I feel sexier and better about myself having had sex with other women, and I am more attracted to my hubby as well. Having had multiple partners--men and women, and couples (safe sex always...I must add) has deepened our trust and love for each other. It doesn't diminish what we feel for each other, as we always put our relationship first. And when we have struggles, we talk about it. I no longer feel unattractive as I have opened up myself to having partners of both sexes. I don't get creeped out like I used to in my younger days when a girl sidles up to me in a bar restroom and tells me how pretty I am. I think, "ooooo, you're a hottie too!" and who knows what the night will hold after that? And when a young guy hottie shows interest, I can go there too. It's wonderful. My hang-ups are pretty much gone now, as I know how to please not only guys in bed but women too. And I'll never forget Haley telling me I have the "prettiest little pussy she'd ever seen". That just makes my day.

 

An amazing night in Jake's arms

     We had just gotten to my room, a $500 a night, 5-star hotel in downtown Chicago. Standing next to the bed in my $500 BCBG dress, with nothing on underneath but white, lacy panties, and Michael Kors heels, I was fiddling around with my iPhone and the hotel's iDock, trying to find some music to set the mood. Jake came up behind me and put his warm hands softly on my shoulders and stroked my arms. Pushing my hair to one side, he began nibbling my neck, and I began to melt. He unzipped my dress and being that it was a halter-dress, he undid the bow at the neck and continued to kiss my neck. I allowed myself to melt into his touch, his warm hands, and let him show his affection for me.

     The halter-dress didn't allow for a bra, and Jake quickly discovered this delicious fact as his hands found my naked breasts as the dress fell forward off my body. As it fell, I stepped out of it and he slipped my panties down my bare, tanned legs, and I slipped them off my feet. I tossed my phone down, not giving a shit anymore about music, and saw that he was shirtless,  just in his jeans. He looked beautiful. He was young and sexy, skinny and sporting a new heart tattoo on the front of his right shoulder. The dim yellow light from the vibrant city shining on him, I saw his sweet face and warm smile. I was filled with desire for him and felt my heart racing as my hands touched the soft skin of his chest. He pulled me close and kissed me hungrily, his tongue searching for mine. I felt my blood hot through my whole body. I was on fire. I literally succumbed to my desire for him and let him do whatever he wanted to me. With me, for me, to me. I gave myself to him.

     I don't remember how or when his jeans came off, he was just suddenly naked, laying on his back on one of the two beds in the hotel room. He looked scrumptious. I was so hungry for him. I didn't know where to begin, and neither did he, we wanted each other so badly.

     Over the next three hours, we made love in every position I can think of. We just couldn't get enough of each other. He is so tender, so sweet. He's huge, 10 inches, and he kept saying how much he loved how "tight" my pussy was. It was also too small to hold all 10 inches of him! He'd be very tender, not thrusting too hard. He'd go in gently every time, making sure it didn't hurt and that I was ok. Then we'd fuck like crazy rabbits. We just kept going. I couldn't believe he could go for so long without coming, but he did. And he was rock-hard the whole time. I wasn't getting tired, my desire for him was so strong.

     We fucked every which way imaginable. Doggy-style, reverse cow-girl. Me on top, him on top. Against the wall. At the edge of the bed. 69. But my favorite was this spooning position, him entering from behind me, with his arms wrapped around me tight. I absolutely loved being held like that while he fucked me. I felt so loved. It was warm and amazing. Little did I know it was only going to get better.

     He always asked if I was ok. He was always gentle, even when we were going at it. We were so sweaty, the sheets were soaked, but we were so into each other we hardly noticed. He loved the way I gave him oral, and I loved how he'd sweetly show me or tell me the way he liked me to do it for him. He is so emotionally mature for being only 18. Did I forget to tell you he's only 18?? He's 18 and amazing. With an old soul I believe, for he's mature beyond his years. Calm, thoughtful, affectionate, passionate, tender and a gentleman.
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     He was surprised to hear me tell him that it was a night of "firsts". I'd never had another man bring me to orgasm---with as many lovers as I've had (except for the girls--they know how to touch a girl!) no other guy but my hubby has ever made me orgasm! And he did!! YAY!!! I was so happy! It was so easy to let go with him. I am so comfortable with him, he is like a second skin to me. The Yin to my Yang. I fall into his spell so easily.

I'll never forget it. He was touching me, touching my clit, just the way I love to be touched. As I was moaning and squirming, he was breathing on my neck, getting as excited as I was. I've never had a guy do what he started to do--comment on it! It was soooo sexy. He said, "Ooo, I feel your legs tightening up." You're squirming, it feels good, doesn't it?" "You're breathing harder, you're almost there, aren't you?" he was an amazing lover! and yes, I did come, and he was so happy, I could feel how happy he was to bring me to a climax, he held me close while I was writhing and we rode the rollercoaster of ecstasy together. I'd never, ever, ever, had that with anyone else.

     Another first was spending the whole night with him. Even with Mickey, I'd never actually spent a whole night with anyone else. And you know what? After he came (after 3 amazing hours), we laughed and were glad we had another bed to sleep on! The other one was soaked. We were giggling about it.  We got into the clean, unused bed to sleep. I had gone to go to the bathroom, and when I came back he had on his jeans (guess he hadn't worn any boxers....). So I put on a sexy blue lace matching panties and bra and got into bed with him.

     He laid on his back, and put his arm around me. I laid close to him, smelling how sexy he smelled (I could still smell his cologne too). He is so affectionate. We chatted a little bit, but I didn't want to be annoying. I know guys want to fall asleep after sex and women like to talk, so I was cognizant of that fact. Somewhere in-between chatting, we fell asleep, but I remember telling him that I would probably push him away cuz I didn't like to be touched while I slept.

     Was I ever wrong about that!

     Jake held me close ALL NIGHT LONG. He never stopped holding me.

     It was the most amazing night's sleep I've ever had. Several times I'd awaken, and I'd say, 'Do you want your arm back?" and he'd say sweetly, "no, I'm good". No matter what position I'd move into, he'd mold his body to mine, and hold me tight. I felt so-o-o-o-o loved, so adored. I never wanted to leave him.
Spooning he snuggled his head right into my neck, his arms holding me tightly. Whichever position---cuddling, facing him, snuggled into his armpit, it was heaven. His long arms held me close the whole night long. He never let go, and I never wanted him to.

     In the morning, I woke up early, 8:22 in fact. I had a 2 hr drive ahead of me and knew my hubby and kids would want me home, so I left my Jake's warm embrace to go shower. He slept the whole time, and when I emerged, clean and clean smelling, hair and makeup all done, I found him still in bed and kissed him. Damn he looked sexy. I wanted him to shower and make love to me again. Neither of us had eaten but I didn't care. I wanted him again, even though I was so sore. He declined showering, and I wasn't really sure what he wanted to do. I really wanted him to shower so we'd both be clean and start fresh, so I was kind of like, hmmm, not sure if I'm attracted to you right now, and he wasn't telling me what he wanted,  so I decided to just go home.

     He'd taken the train, so I just drove him to the train station, which was like a 10 minute drive. I wasn't done with him. I hadn't wanted to leave our bed. Why do I have such trouble knowing what I want sometimes? I was eager to get home and not eager. I didn't know when I'd see him again and that made it all the harder. He wasn't talking either, didn't really give an opinion either way, so that wasn't helping. I know he was just allowing me to make the decisions since I had a husband and family to get back to and he had no plans, I get that now. But I wish he'd said something like, 'gee, I really wish we'd cuddle longer", or "let's have one more go-round"--something like that. He gave me a quick hug and kiss, and he was gone. I turned around several times to wave goodbye but couldn't see him once he left my car. I was instantly sad and lonely for him.

     About a half hour into my drive home, I burst into tears. I missed his touch so badly. Thinking about the way he held me all night long. I haven't felt that needed and loved in so long, and I was aching to feel him again. I realized I have intimacy problems, and he's just the guy to break down my walls.

I'm totally falling for him.

Mickey who???

Aftermath

When my hubby got home from his business trip Thursday night, things were about as bad as they could get between us. It was late, kids were alseep (thankfully), and the look on his face when he came in the door said it all. Not only was I not ok, he was not ok. He was not happy, he was not empathetic, he was cold and angry. It was so scary. I didn't know what to say or what to do. He leaned in and gave me a small kiss and said hello. We went upstairs and without talking, brushed our teeth and got into bed. I lit a candle and we laid in the darkness.

For more than 2 hours we tried talking it out, but things just kept getting worse as we were going in circles. Neither one of us seemed to "get" the other. We were defensive, angry, hurt, exhausted. We both realized this was bigger than the both of us and we had a long way to go.

I kept saying it was the circumstances and the fact that I'd never said it turned me on him being alone with another woman. How did we go from zero to a 4-hour drive, drinks and dinner and an all-nighter???? How could I have possibly been ok with that? I apologized for saying one thing and meaning another, but after 21 years together, doesn't he know me better than that?? That I felt guilty for all the guys I'd been alone with and felt I had no right to say no? But that I WAS saying I wasn't ok with it. I'd said it all day long in all my texts. That I was waiting for him to "do the right thing". Without my telling him or influencing him.

To me, this wasn't about banging some chick and getting his rocks off, like I do. When I get together with some guy, it's an hour, maybe two, and he leaves or I come home. No dates, no all-nighters. I've never even spent the entire night with Mickey. It's an hour here, 1/2 an hour there. So can't he get that I'd be threatened by that???? Fucker!!!! Hello, are you listening???? Shit! He just couldn't get that. That was MY interpretation of events. His was, "she doesn't mean anything to me. I don't get guys like that (snap fingers) like you. This was my only chance. And who knows if I'd have even gone thru with it??? Now we'll never know."

True. I'll never know. But I couldn't take that chance because to me, it was too big. I really thought that's it, he does it, our marriage is over. Because he shouldn't have put himself (or me) in this position in the first place. I couldn't win once he'd invited her to drive to come see him (which he says he didn't. He "merely stated" that he would be in her state...give me a break!!!!)

After about two hours of yelling and accusations, we laid there silent. I bravely said, "I'm turned on. Are you?" he said no. I said, "So you could fuck her last night but not me tonight? That's nice." I was so pissed off. Well, he decided he'd better fuck me so he reached for me and we had ten minutes of the angriest sex we've ever had. We only got about 3 hours of sleep that night and that didn't help things in the light of day.

The next day was Mother's Day and it was my worst ever. Yes, he gave me a beautiful card, but it seemed contrite and insincere given the way he was acting. He seemed like he was pouting and that made me angrier. As if I'd promised him Disneyland and dropped him off at the dump instead. There was no sweetness, no humor, only coldness. I didn't even recognize this man I've spent the last 21 years with. He said he hadn't eaten since the dinner with her. Had lost 6 pounds. Wasn't even going to have a glass of wine anymore. He was turning into someone I didn't know. He was irritating me so much, I just wanted to slap him. I honestly didn't know where we were or where we were going.

Mother's Day night, he suggested a bath, and I took him up on it. He still refused to have any wine. I had some for him.  It was nice but very awkward. We couldn't even look each other in the eyes.

Slowly, we started to talk. I had a recollection that I thought was an important point. I had suddenly remembered something that happened about 3 months ago. Hubby was in another state where Rachel lived (a co-worker of his we had a 3sum with). And he was stuck due to weather just miles from her, and I clearly remember telling him to call her up and stay the night with her. I was actually turned on at the time. I obviously didn't feel threatened or I wouldn't have suggested it. He declined and got a hotel. Why did he decline? I don't know. He didn't say. And when I brought it up, he still didn't say.

So, to me, it showed me that maybe he has more feelings for this other girl than he's letting on. AND it confirms that it was the whole romantic-ness of this "date" with her was what was upsetting me. If he'd gone to spend the night with Rachel, it would've been MY idea, and it would've been more of a "bang" than a "date". He said he got that. He said he understood. But I think it was more of acquiesing than true understanding. That is where I'm stuck.

He is stuck at, "You said the D-word. I never thought we'd ever come to that." I said, "I don't know if I meant it. I was hysterical. I just knew I was angry at you." And of course I have apologized many many times. I've apologized for the mixed signals but can he understand that they weren't really mixed at all? But rather him hearing what he wanted to hear--"have sex with her and spare me the details." He got mad at that. I can see his point but still, to me it's crystal clear and it's really not about me and Mickey and our whole relationship needing to be re-thought and negotiated.

To me, it's this, and it's simple----he has never admitted to wanting to be alone with another woman. Now he did. He invited her, he wanted her, it was a date. This wasn't a simple sex romp. This was a DATE and I felt threatened. If he can't get that, and I mean REALLY get that, we do need to re-evaluate our relationship.

BTW I found a therapist. I do want to stay married and I know he does too. We have too much together to give it all up so easily.

Oh, and speaking of Mickey, haven't heard from him in about a week. Not even sure exactly how many days, and that's saying something. And I realize, I don't even miss him. He just doesn't give me what I need anymore. I have no desire to text him or call him. If I hear from him, fine. I'm not doing the chasing anymore. I just don't care.

The tables are turned---and I go insane

Yesterday was one of the hardest days ever for our marriage.  A true test for the fate of our 18-year-old vows.

My post from 2 days ago was about my husband getting his first opportunity to be alone with a woman. We have been "swinging" (God I hate that term! Makes me feel like a monkey!) for about 6 years, and as far as "hall passes", I've been given free reign as a Hotwife. The tables were turned, and I was having a really really really hard time with it.

The night I wrote that post, hubby (who was out of town for work), and I talked on the phone for about 2 hours, thrashing back and forth every nuance of the whole thing. I'm sure I drove him crazy, because I felt one thing and said another. I felt like I had no right to tell him what he could or couldn't do--after all, how many guys have I been with without him?? (too many to count, honestly) And I know her, I know she's like Mickey, loves us both and wouldn't want to do anything that would break us up. We were with her a few weekends ago. So, on paper, logically, she's the perfect person for him to have his first "hall pass" with, right? SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS MY FUCKING PROBLEM??????

Several things.

First of all, like I said in my previous post, I told him 6 years ago I wouldn't be ok if he did it. Yes, a double standard, but he said it turned him on and he encouraged it. He has found guys for me, taken pictures of me for other guys, even made videos for Mickey. He has encouraged me to go on the dating website, and has paid for plane tickets, encouraged me to text, talk, see whoever I want, whenever I want. Because it turned him on.

And this is the defining thing for me----the idea of him being alone with another woman has NEVER turned me on. The thought of him being naked and fucking her made me so nauseous and crazy I was a complete wreck. And all day yesterday, knowing she was driving 4 hours to come see him, thinking about him getting all horny for her was too much for me to bear. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't think. I almost crashed my car with my kids in it because I was so distracted.

I had to work too. A long shift. And with the time difference, I had to keep subtracting 2 hours from everything I was doing to imagine what they were doing. Had she arrived yet? Have you talked to her? Etc. And my hubby was wonderful, he did text me back immediately every time and told me everything.

But it only made it worse.

He 'd finished work, and actually changed hotels to be closer to the airport. So HE drove 2 hours, in MY mind, so he'd have MORE time with her in the morning. So he'd have a quicker drive to the airport.
Everything was adding up. He'd say, "oh no, that's not why, I will be closer so I can catch an earlier flight in the morning." yeah, right I thought. Nice try dude.

So I'm trying to take care of the kids, then had to go to work and worry WTF he's doing 1800 miles away. I know he wasn't cheating---it's not cheating if I know everything! But that didn't make it any easier.

She got lost. She was late. She showed up. They had wine. They were talking. Then they decided to go eat. That's when I had had enough. By this time, I had actually worked my entire shift, and had gotten kids in bed. It was nearly midnight my time, only 10 theirs, and I honestly couldn't take it another second. I grabbed a bottle of wine and some crackers, filled up the bathtub, and sent him a text that said, "I can't handle this. I don't want to hear any details. I'm turning my phone off." He obviously took that to mean, literally, that I would actually turn my phone off.  That I didn't want to hear from him? I did and I didn't. What I wanted to hear from him, he obviously wasn't going to say--which was, "don't worry honey, nothing's going to happen. We're just having a nice chat." (because he's always said he didn't want to lose her friendship). I wanted him to make the right decision without my influencing him. Didn't he know me by now??? We've been together a total of 21 years. Did he really think I was going to be ok with it? Or did he just want her so fucking badly he didn't care? So yeah. I turned off my phone. Because I knew he wasn't going to stop himself.

 I couldn't stand to imagine them naked and fucking. I thought, if he has sex with her, our marriage is over. I will never get over it. Just imaging them in bed together was agonizing.  For the next 2 hours, I sat in the tub sobbing.  I drank half a bottle of wine, and I was practically heaving. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was getting more and more nauseous and hysterical. Two fucking hours had passed. I had no idea WTF they were doing. I was hysterical.  Thank God for my kids---if it weren't for them, I'd probably have stayed in the tub, kept drinking, and slid under. I got out of the tub, dried off my hands, and turned my phone on. He hadn't even tried getting a hold of me. That hurt and fucking pissed me off.

The texts came rapid fire and from deep within me.

"I just want you to know I'm not ok."

"I can't do this."

"I'm sick. I can't take it."

"I guess u are having too much fun to read this."

And the one I knew would get to him--"WE are NOT ok."

Seconds later my phone rang. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to jump right out of my chest. I mumbled hello. He was clearly exasperated with me.

"What are you guys doing?" I demanded.

"We just came back to the room," he says. Yippee. I fucking literally caught them in the nick of time. Of course, I don't know if they were already naked, or whatever. He didn't say. I didn't ask. But he said he would "stop"  and talk to her and call me back.

An agonizing 30 minutes later, he finally calls me back. I tossed and turned in the dark wondering WTF they were doing. He said they went downstairs to the front desk and got her her own room.  He said he was alone now. We talked for about half an hour. I know he'd been drinking, and I had too, so we decided to just go to sleep and talk when he gets home.

I realized the gist of the whole thing is what I said at the beginning of this post---the idea of him alone with another woman has never turned me on. I have tolerated seeing him in 3sums but it bothers me. It's better because I am there, but i have to get so bloody drunk to do it. I'm wondering how solid our marriage is now.

The other thing is, and this is very important---we are supposed to be able to say, "I'm not ok with this", and the other person is supposed to accept it. Without having to feel defensive. It's called setting boundaries. It's the first fucking rule of swinging and open marriages. I thought we had it down, but obviously not. But here's the thing---how many times have I told him, "i'm not ok with it"?? And yes, he stopped, he did the right thing. But I'm fucking hurt and pissed off that it came to that. If I hadn't turned on my phone and had my little tantrum, they'd have spent the fucking whole night together. He told me so. So---guess this is more about hubby not being honest with me either.  I shouldn't have played mind games with him--"go ahead, have your fun, I just don't want to hear details". I should've said, 'Absolutely not. Do not let her drive there. I am not ok with it."

But I was feeling so guilty of all the guys I've been with, and felt it only right he should be allowed to do the same.

But the truth is, it doesn't turn me on. I felt threatened. I felt jealous. I literally went insane. I'm still a wreck. And when he said, "oh yeah, been there, done that", I was like, "WTF??? HUH??? You never once said it bothered you when I was with other guys!!!" and he was like, "well yeah!! duh!!" I said, "but you never once asked me to stop. Or asked me not to go. You've always encouraged me. Why do you do that if you felt the way I felt?" and he said, "cuz you wanted it and I didn't feel it was my right to stop you." FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK Ok so this is all new to me. I had no idea.

So, 6 years of swinging and all, and we are acting like newbies. This is so fucked up.

There's a WIFE?????

Yesterday I was nonchalantly checking my yahoo messenger to see if I had any messages from overnight when I see E was online. Girls and boys, if you've been reading my blogs, you'll remember him from Dec. 9 under the title "Two Guys in One Afternoon". He was someone I'd met on a certain dating website and we had a GREAT time together. WELL-------we were chatting away yesterday morning. We had chatted  once or twice since that fun day, and he'd told me his girlfriend had found his profile and some incriminating text messages, so he was on the "down low" for awhile. He said that he didn't know when he'd be able to see me again and I said whatever that's fine. I couldn't care less either way. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him cheating on her but since they weren't married it seemed less egregious. Not my burden to bear but I did think it wasn't a great idea.

So yesterday morning we're chatting away, he's telling me he's not doing well, that his GF is "pissed" and what should he tell her? How can he make it better? I was giving him advice such as, "well, since you had a kid you should try to work it out with her", and "counseling is a good idea". He was asking me if I should "tell her the truth" and I said "what does she know?" and that sort of banter. WELL then I said, "you need to search your heart and find out what YOU want", to which I got this reply--"I'm his WIFE and that's exactly what I'm trying to figure out!" I was stunned. My head spun around and I said, "What??" to which she replied, "so I guess he didn't tell you he was married before he had a kid?" I went invisible and texted him immediately.

I told him, "you need to call me asap." He texted right back, "I'm in a meeting, what's up?" I told him his wife was posing as him on Yahoo messenger and that she was freaking out. I took pics of the conversation with my iPhone and sent them to him. He told me to just tell her the truth. I started texting my hubby so he could give me advice. He was concerned she'd come after me so told me to take a breath and think it through. E is texting me back, saying, "just do it. Just tell her and I'll clean up the mess." I told him, 'no, that's not my cross to bear. If I tell her, it'll make it worse for you. She'll never forget how she found out--"YOUR WHORE HAD TO TELL ME!!!", I could imagine. He was like, "shit shit shit shit shit." THEN------I guess he wasn't in a meeting---OR at work-----SHE gets on his phone and says, "This is his wife again. I just want to know the truth. Did you have sex with my husband?" I ignored her, my heart pounding. The texts kept coming rapid-fire, one after another. She was begging me to tell her. I kept ignoring her. She said, "woman to woman, wouldn't you want to know?" that sort of thing. I was just so upset for her. I felt so bad. I didn't know he was married! So I finally decided that since they have a kid together, I wouldn't tell her the truth. After all, I wasn't in love with the guy (she asked me if I was), it was just sex, just one time, and for all I know, his only transgression and obviously he loved her enough to be trying to make things right. He had told me he'd deleted his profile and hadn't talked to any women since she found the profile and messages. He was really trying to mend things.

So.......I told her, "no, I've never even met him. I can hardly remember him. I'm married too, we're swingers, and I talk to lots of guys." The questions kept coming. "Well how come then you said "the positions we did?" (I had asked him, does she know about me to the extent of the positions we did?) soI said I meant did he do them with other women. That i was just trying to help him mend his relationship with you. That I didn't know he was married." She seemed satisfied with my answers, thanked me, and told me the number would be deleted so if he wanted to contact me he would. I told her, "anytime, take care", and that was that.

Ok so lesson learned. If a guy has a GF it might be a WIFE, and if she doesn't know he's with me, he shouldn't be with me. My husband KNOWS I'm with him. It's only right. Swingers don't cheat on their spouses, and we don't like knowing the person we're with is cheating on someone. No matter how "hot" they are, it's just not right.

It's hard to spot a liar, especially when it comes to getting someone to have sex with you. People have been lying for centuries. Lesson learned here---ask more questions first. The truth will probably spill out.

Poor girl. He's a hottie, but it probably won't be his last affair. I hope I did the right thing.