Sexy pics for you!

Good morning dear lovlies! Have you enjoyed the pics of my sexy men I posted just for you??? Aren't they delicious???? Feel free to leave me your comments!! And NO you cannot have their phone numbers!!!!

I still don't know when we will get to hook up though unfortunately. My hubby and I are still riding the fucking rollercoaster of his infidelities, and although things are going well, it is still too tenous to add other guys sadly. I do miss my hotties, but they have to be an addition to my life, not a substitute for my hubby. And right now we have to get solid before we go back to swinging again.

We do both miss it. It's just harder now. I'd be ok if he never wanted to be with another female, but how fair is that?? It's not, but hey, I didn't ask to be cheated on so that wasn't fair to ME. I allowed him to have HER but he lied and cheated on me behind my back about her so HE IS THE ONE THAT FUCKED IT ALL UP. 

I am working on me. We are talking more, counseling has been helping. I am trying to find my way. The cognitive dissonance of infidelity does SO much damage, if I can implore you all to be HONEST in every way with the significant other in your life. This whole notion of "trying to protect" them by withholding the truth only hurts worse when the truth finally comes out, and believe me, IT WILL COME OUT. It took 16 years for the truth of his first affair to come out, and it hurts worse and makes it that much harder to recover from. I look at him and wonder, "who the fuck is this person I've been married to all these years??" He's had this secret double life I had NO FUCKING IDEA about. Trying to rebuild trust is THAT much harder by his cowardice in not coming forward. 

If you've cheated on your significant other, I beg you to come clean RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. They deserve to know. They deserve to be able to make their own choices and not have you manipulate them to stay with you. That is honestly the hardest part--I hate my husband for not giving me the opportunity to decide  FOR MYSELF if I wanted to stay with a cheater. He manipulated me into staying for 16 years by withholding the truth from me. How can I ever forgive him for that?? And, in addition, I gave up my friends, my family, my life, my kids' friends and life, to move clear across the country for him. Yes, it's been a good move, but that is because THAT IS WHO I AM. I MAKE THE BEST OF IT. I have moved with him over 8 times during our marriage, and if I'd known he'd cheated on me maybe I'd have divorced him 16 years ago. Or three, after the second affair. HE CHEATED ME OUT OF MAKING CHOICES.

So I implore you to remember this quote from survivinginfidelity.com---"The truth hurts, but lies hurt more."

Enjoy you life by living authentically.

Go and be happy my sexy readers.

Random shit

I made a realization yesterday writing a new post for my other blog. I realized that THIS blog is written FOR YOU DEAR READERS. It has always been for YOU. My other blog has been only for ME, up until the first reader started commenting on my posts and how much I was helping her. We live thousands of miles away from each other and sadly will most likely never meet, but we have become close friends. Going through the trauma of infidelity has bonded us forever, and we help and support each other. I'll bet it's akin to the bond cancer survivors have with one another; thankfully I wouldn't know first-hand but my BFF is a 5-year breast cancer survivor and I see how she instantly bonds with other cancer survivors. The biggest differences between cancer survivors and infidelity survivors are first of all, they aren't ashamed to tell the whole world their triumphant story of survival. We are. I am extremely careful deciding who I can tell and who I can't. It is extremely shameful and social support for infidelity survivors is next to nill. Are there any fundraisers to help prevent infidelity? Hmmm, um, NO. Do you see a color devoted to the prevention and support of those affected by infidelity?? Again, no. 5K runs? T-shirts? No. But yet there is much in common between those affected by cancer and those affected by a spouse or significant other's infidelity.

Sorry to digress. My point is that in sharing our pain, not just our happiness, we bond with others. I have bonded more with you over my pain than the fun sex I'd been having. I am certain that the moment a person hears her doctor say, "It's cancer" has the same devastating effect as when infidelity is discovered or revealed. My BFF and I discuss it at length and she agrees it is equally devastating, or more so with infidelity. Sadly, she has suffered both, so she has become an unwitting expert on both topics.

I realized that the purpose of this blog has always been to entertain, and my other blog was to help myself heal. I didn't expect anyone else to ever read it; it has helped me keep my sanity and get to where I am now. I have always been aware that my lifestyle is titillating and secretive, and that's what made it so fun to write and share the details with you. I had no idea the sex stories about me and certain females were actually skanks that my husband had had affairs with. Discovering this nearly sent me to the loony bin. Naturally, I deleted those posts. I was physically ill just doing so. I was forced to look at the words I'd written, the sex I'd had with them, and the way my husband had lied and manipulated me into doing so. It was more than I could bear.

The so-called "anti-versary" of D-Day #1 is coming up in a few weeks. Just four days shy of my birthday. I have dreaded this day and the other D-day anti-versaries coming up. I had told my H (husband) that I was planning on going back to California and seeing my BFF to get through it. He has begged me not to. He said he'll take the day off to be with me. He said that even though it's not a day to celebrate, in a way it is to HIM, because we are still together, and he is eternally grateful to me for giving him a second chance. I have decided I will not go to California to run away from it.

We have been getting along very very well. I have gone on a half-dosage of my PTSD meds (Setraline, 25 mg from 50 mg) and although I haven't lost a pound, I am very relieved my obsessiveness hasn't returned like it did the first time I tried to reduce the dosage.

With a new year now, like most people, I always make resolutions, and I can never stick with them. I have found out that I probably have adult ADHD and am going in for testing next week! It explains so much about me that I don't like about myself and have been unable to fix my whole life. I stumbled across information about it just going online and pun intended, was distracted by a byline about "adult ADHD" and clicked on it. Like a huge fucking lightbulb going off!!! So just knowing this is probably true about me, I am instantly being more kind and compassionate with myself. Just cleaning my house, my desk, the laundry, it is all overwhelming to me and now I know why!! So I am doing so much better and feeling better about myself.

If you've read this far, you will be happy to read that this post does have sex in it!! YAY!!!

I have spent a lot of time with my BF Allen lately. Did I mention he is gorgeous???? And he's 27 years old!!!! About 6-2, long straight blonde hair (about chin length), blue eyes, sexy body. And he seems to like me. We just had our one-year anniversary! And remember, for about 6 months of it, we had nothing to do with each other because of the separation and problems with my marriage. He waited for me! Actually saw no one else the whole time. He came to the last 2 band performances we did. New Year's Even he rode in my car with me and stayed the entire show! He helped carry in equipment and we also got drunk together in between sets. He is a doll. He came home with me and we had a short but fun romp in the guest room bed, where my hubby secretly watched from the doorway without him knowing. It was awesome! But the problem is, he didn't cum, and neither did I. Once again, no orgasms. WTF???? He does have a smallish cock but it used to cum just nicely so I don't know what's going on. I am getting bored and annoyed and looking for a new boytoy.

I am off to therapy, and no, I have not told my therapist about my seeing another guy. He is of the clear mind that neither my H nor I are healthy enough or stable enough to handle having other people in our marriage and he is probably right, and I don't want to hear it. I know that's bad, but believe it or not, I'm fucked up enough in so many other ways, we have PLENTY to talk about and work on that has nothing to do with fucking other guys.

(A private note to "Anonymous" here--I didn't get to respond the way I wanted to, but just know that I agree with you now about anger and the one-year mark. I will write to you soon.)

I hope everyone reading this has a great year, and you can do that by BEING HONEST with yourself and everyone around you ALL THE TIME. Secrets kill. Live honestly or die in your lies, but don't make anyone else suffer for your sins.

Goodbye 2012, it was the shittiest year of my life. Here's hoping 2013 continues to be better.

Still no sex--going on 9 weeks now

Well hello everyone, sorry I've been AWOL for some time now. Things have been really shitty with me and my hubby, but I think I've turned a corner this week. Thank you to those of you who've written and asked about how I'm doing, how we are doing. I do have another blog I've been devoting my time to, and I need to keep that just for me. It's how I process what I'm going through and for now this really isn't that platform for that. I don't want the focus of this blog to be that kind of pain LOL

It's been a little over 5 months since I found out my hubby had cheated on me with one woman, and after leading me on for three months that "that's all, I've told you everything" he finally came clean with affairs with two other women. It's been hell. I don't want to go into any more detail here, but suffice it to say, when he did, I wanted badly to kick him out but I just couldn't. I don't know why. But I did kick him out of our bedroom, all his clothes and everything and he's still living in our guest room down the hall. No sex, no intimacy of any kind. I have hugged him twice and gave him a peck on the cheek at bedtime a few nights ago.

But I do miss him. He is a sexy motherfucker. He is looking better and better to me every day.

I am just about ready to take him back.

It's been a long road to get here. Marriage counseling, both of us in individual counseling, and thousands of hours talking, yelling, screaming, and more talking.

We plan to resume our open marriage when he has practiced not lying longer than he's practiced lying. I am going to delete the posts that included threesomes with two of these whores as I found out he had had one-night stands with them prior to including me in threesomes with them. Not good. I don't want to re-live those experiences on paper, it's bad enough they are in my head. They don't turn me on anymore, they turn my stomach.

Thank you for your concern and patience. Hope if you're reading this you are actively honest in your life in every way, and holding yourself accountable for all your actions.

AND USE CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Anna XO

Crazy vacation shit

I was so fucking excited to go to California and see B, you have no idea. I spent days prepping--got my pretty fake tan just so, worked out as usual (I'm at a great weight right now), and had my roots touched up. All the planets were aligned and off I went. We had texted the night before that I would text him when I landed in LA and he was going to meet me at my hotel. I was getting super horny and thinking nasty thoughts the whole 4-1/2 hour plane ride. I couldn't wait to get there!

No sooner had I gotten to my hotel room and texted him, I got a text from a girlfriend of mine from the city I just moved from.  She told me a mutual friend of ours (I'll call her Erica) had passed away. This friend just happens to be the girl my hubby and I had a 3sum with back in April (see my blogs about her May 2011--titled "Aftermath" and "Tables are Turned"). I was instantly in shock. WTF???!! Sitting in my beautiful poolside suite, waiting to hear from B, my phone started blowing up. Calls coming in from friends about Erica. Each of us trying to get info about what happened to her. I had to call my hubby--he began sobbing. It was horrible. 

Next thing I knew, several hours had passed by--I'd cried off all my makeup and was exhausted,  and still nothing from B. I showered and got dressed up and decided to go downstairs and get myself some dinner. I still thought I was going to see him, and I hadn't eaten all day. After my solo dinner with all the hired help stumbling over themselves --it was so good for my ego--B finally called me. His voice was sexy and gravelly and he was telling me about something he had to do and would call me in a half hour. I decided to go wait for him in the bar. The bar at this hotel is like U-shaped, and I was sitting in the "U" when guy came and sat to the left of me. He wasn't cute, but I was bored and getting drunk. I had absolutely nothing better in the world to do than sit there and get drunk. I didn't have my kids, or hubby, I had no place I needed to be in the morning, and B wasn't calling me back. So I ordered another Grey Goose and Red Bull and chatted up the guy to my left.  I wasn't attracted to him AT ALL, I was just bored. He must've thought otherwise, cuz next thing I knew, we were in the elevator together. My floor was the 3rd, and his was the 5th, but i realized he got out with me and was walking to my room. I don't think I'd been this drunk in ages! What a shame about B. I was really disappointed. But I had a new problem--this guy was sitting on the edge of my bed and somehow I'd stupidly given him my phone number!! I was in a drunken haze and thankfully he was a gentleman and finally left after I thwarted one of his kisses.  I ignored his texts about what he wanted to do to me--"I can come back!"--bleh!!! and passed out. 

Yes, I woke up with a terrible hangover. I also woke up to realize my friend was dead. This thought sobered me up.  My phone had a zillion text messages waiting for me about her and I had new info that she was indeed still alive, albeit in a coma. She was on life support awaiting the possibility of her donating her organs. This was so upsetting. WTF happened to her??!! More questions than answers. She was in a hospital about 3 hours away--I was tempted to drive there but for what? She was in a coma, and they were planning on taking her off life support. I didn't really know her that well and I didn't really belong there.  I went and spent the entire day and evening with my parents and family there in LA.

When I got back to my hotel room around midnight, again I freshened up and went downstairs to the bar. Too late!! They had already closed!! So all dressed up and nowhere to go, I went back to my room and texted Mickey. He responded right away--he was at work and bored. I told him what happened to my friend, how I was in LA alone and how I had wanted to go see him in Oregon but that he waited to long to tell me if he wanted me to come or not and now tickets were like $700 so I couldn't go. I decided to have some fun and tried on a sexy dress and heels I'd brought to wear to go see B--and started taking pictures of myself in the mirror.

Mickey loved them! I took about 25 pics in various poses--in the gorgeous dress and heels--"you look amazing!!" Mickey gushed--and then stripped for him, one click at a time. It was so fun. Sexy and fun and he was full of compliments. I finally got so turned on I got in bed and had to make myself climax. All that pent-up sexual frustration from B standing me up. I fell asleep happy, feeling like Mickey was back in my life--that he'd never left. I wonder if his GF has her own version of their relationship and he has HIS own. He texted me he was looking for a new roommate....so....does she live with him or not?? What's with the whole "domestic partnership" thing?? I really don't know. He's too busy to talk to me. Or involved with her. Who knows. I was lonely and bored and feeling rejected and somehow Mickey always comes through for me when I need him.

The next night I was alone too, no plans. B finally called me again and made up some sort of lame excuse and said very sweetly and sincerely that he would 'make it up to me". Whatever. It's been 2 weeks and still haven't heard a peep.

The next day, my last day in LA, my BFF met me at my hotel and we spent like 14 hours shopping, eating, walking on the pier, watching the surfers and the seagulls, talking and talking and talking. It was so wonderful. I even decided to commemorate the day by getting a tattoo and I ended up doing just that!!

The black cloud of our friend's eventual death Saturday morning got darker when we found out she'd taken her life. My only vacation in a year to have this horrible news turned my weekend into a spiritual awakening of sorts. I felt so alive back in the fresh air and great weather and vowed to figure out a way to get back there. Also, one knows what Erica meant to me and my hubby. No one can ever know. It's a secret she obviously took to her grave and we'll take to ours. So very very sad.

                    *************************************************************

I am done with B and the Irish guy and all the ones who just don't show up. I promptly got back on the website and found a new hottie! His name is the same as my hubby's and we have been sexting heavily. Two nights in a row now he's made a video for me---if you know what I mean---and sent them to me. Get this--he actually lives 15 minutes away and has been begging to come see me!! I told him sorry, gotta meet you in public first. I'm all about first impressions. I will know ASAP if he's someone who's going to get my panties off.

I am really excited!! Thursday's the day!!!

What a week. 

        

I was watching TV in the kitchen while I was cooking dinner last night and saw "B" in a commercial! I screamed to my hubby, "THAT'S B! LOOK!! and sure enough, there he was! What a hottie! I can't tell you anymore about it cuz certainly you'd know him....I texted him immediately to tell him I saw him, and of course, since he's got the biggest ego of anyone alive he responded right away. He was pleased as punch. I congratulated him and said I wanted to youtube it so I could see it over and over. He laughed. 


I bought my plane ticket to go see him yesterday! Or--should I say, my hubby did. I will be there in 2 weeks. I can't wait to fuck him! MMMMM "B" is delicious. 


I lied to Mickey and told him I bought a plane ticket to see him. I texted him, "hey, flights are so cheap so I bought a ticket. I'll be there on Nov. 13th. Let's just have dinner. I want to gaze into those amazing blue eyes." That was yesterday--haven't heard back yet. I'm sure he's processing it--he wants to see me, he wants more than dinner--but he's living with his GF. BUT-----and this is a big BUT---he has never admitted to having a girlfriend. He doesn't know I stalk him LOL yes I read his facebook and his GF's twitter--hey, if I didn't, I wouldn't know what the fuck is going on with him! it's a way to protect myself. Yes, and torture myself, that's true.  He told me a couple weeks ago basically not to come, that seeing me sexually "isn't healthy for me right now, I'm trying to do too much", whatever the fuck that means. He talks so cryptically. Why won't he just admit he's got a GF and they're getting serious? Because he doesn't want to hurt me? Please. Yeah right. It's because he doesn't want me to go away. He wants to know that I'll always be here for him when he wants me. It's like in Toy Story, I don't know which one, I think the first, where Woody says, "It's not how much we're played with; it's that we're here when Andy needs us." That's me for Mickey. It's not how much he plays with me, it's that I'm here when he wants me. Don't tell me I'm pathetic. I already know I am. 


I had a conversation with a girlfriend of mine about Mickey, and it really sums up why I put up with him. We were talking about being "in love", and what does that really mean? Is it possessive? What if it's not reciprocated? And I told her, for me being "in love" is this: it's thinking about the other person 24/7. It means that no matter what you are doing, you are thinking about them. It is worrying about their well-being. It means that if they were in trouble or sick you would answer the phone in the middle of the night and listen. It means you'd jump on a plane and be there for them at the drop of a hat. It means you'd give them money you don't have if they were struggling financially. Being "in love" to me means all these things. And no matter how much I'd like it to go away, it hasn't where Mickey is concerned. It's been almost 8 years we've known each other now, and the only way I'll ever truly get over him is probably when I die. I have 2 great loves in my life--him, and my hubby. 


                                      *******************


I'm sorry I haven't had time to tell you all about my hubby's girlfriends' visit. And I'm sorry to say I've run out of time right now. My life has been so hectic and insane, but I PROMISE to write this week. You deserve to hear it. It was a very trying week, good and bad, sexy and unsexy. You will enjoy it though.


Have a good day my beloved readers, and oh, yes, now you know what I look like. Let me know if that changes anything for you in how you perceived me. Did I lack credibility before by hiding my identity? It's scary for me but I thought it necessary. I hope you all approve. I did it for you.


Love,
Anna XO

My hubby's GF is coming to visit--and I'm getting anxious

I am SO glad the kids are in school all day long so I have some time alone to myself tomorrow to reflect on the upcoming weekend's events. My hubby's new GF is flying out here on Saturday, and I'm just a mess of mixed feelings.  I can bring out my inner lesbian for a night, if I drink enough, but a whole week?? I'm feeling very anxious. She is almost a complete stranger to me--we do text a little and write on Facebook now and then but she is HIS acquaintance, not mine. I've got to do this for my hubby. He does SO much for me.  He deserves this, I know he does.

My BFF tells me to just embrace her and do it for my hubby.

I want to . I really do. I know she isn't planning on trying to steal my hubby. She sent him a text yesterday that said simply, "I had a dream I was kissing your wife." oooo well isn't THAT interesting??!! So....anyway, I'm going to try to really be a good hostess and be very nice and polite and hopefully drink enough to have some great threesome sex!! I PROMISE to write next week and fill y'all in on our extracurricular activities!!

I told B I went to the gyno (I actually didn't---I looked up info online) and told him I got a "green light". He texted me back ASAP wanting to know what my timeframe was. I said I was planning on coming to see him mid-October. He is soooo excited!!!! (I am too!)

I can't decide how to plan my trip! I want to work in seeing my parents as well--should I see them first? I know I can't wait to see Mickey. I think I'll go see my parents first, then drive to LA and see B and maybe spend the night in LA. Then fly out to see Mickey in Oregon the next morning, it'll be a quick flight. Then fly home, with Mickey's touch still fresh on my skin, his scent still on my body. I want him to drive me to the airport, kiss me goodbye, and drive away thinking about ME. I really can't wait to see him. It's been a year since we saw each other.

I just love how intense he gets with me. He writes me in the middle of the night--"where are you? why aren't you writing me? Talk to me". It's so awesome. I feel so happy.

On a different note, I did meet someone FINALLY who lives in the same city as me!! He is 21, super good-looking--long black hair, dark eyes, very sexy. He took yesterday off from work to meet me but neglected to tell me and I was too busy to see him! I couldn't just drop everything--sadly LOL We are still trying to get together.

I'm still playing tennis with my boss at least once a week, sometimes two, and I'm feeling more and more at ease around him. He's letting his hair grow, and has that stubble from not shaving that is oh so sexy. When he talks I find myself imagining kissing him and realize that I'm not listening! One of these days when he calls me on it, I may have to nerve to admit why. We are working together tomorrow night--a special function--and I don't have to wear my dorky uniform so I plan on flirting heavily with him. My new fantasy about him is to go with him to the storage closet and shut the door (which automatically looks from the outside) and grab him and plant a big wet kiss on that sexy mouth! He's got the most perfect straight, white teeth (next to Mickey) and I'm telling you, the stubble is hella sexy.

Bedtime now my dears. I'll be too busy drinking, smoking pot, and being naked to write till next week so hope y'all have a great weekend and I'll fill you all in on this weekend's shenanigans on Friday (next Friday).

Love always,
Anna XOXOXO

Finding happiness in the middle of the night

Long after I'd gone to sleep two nights ago, I hear the familiar chime on my iPhone on my nightstand. It's Mickey. FINALLY. He's on yahoo messenger at long last, and writes me his usual, "what's up?" like a whole month hasn't passed but just a few days.

How I longed for the strength to ignore him. I laid there in the dark, staring at his user name, and his words, but I was too happy and relieved to have any sort of resolve. I wrote him back immediately, "hey sexy man, where've you been?" Thanks to my detective work (called Google) I knew I wasn't going to take any excuses.

He started in with his usual, "busy". I said, 'Bullshit". Ok, I actually didn't say that, but I wanted to. That's what I was thinking. I ignore it and asked if he'd gotten a phone yet--knowing full well he did. Yeah, he said. I asked him what hasn't he called or texted me? Had he changed his number? He said no, same number. I said I'd texted and called him and no response. He said simply, "my GF  gets mad." Hmmm.

Since he doesn't actually talk in complete sentences on yahoo messenger, I ask them and wait for answers. I was bold and pretty straightforward. Even though I'd been sound asleep moments earlier. The gist of his situation is this--he's back and forth with the same GF he'd cheated on with me that fateful June 25th day in that hotel room way back when I first started this blog!! Two years ago? Three? I can't even remember. Yes, same girlfriend.

I asked him if he was happy with her. He said, "comes and goes." WOW isn't he descriptive? What the hell does that mean??! So I poked and prodded him. Because I always feel that every single encounter with him could be the last. I try to get as much out of him every time JUST IN CASE.

He teased me back.  He said, "you'll be sad when I get married." So I said, "why is that?" hahaha I used to say things like, "oh, I know, I don't know how I'll handle it." But not now. He has worn me down. 

He didn't answer. So I said next, "So! When's the wedding?" and I was about to say, "so I can send my gift" but he quickly answered, "LOL I'm not getting married!" I've been down this road with him before and I know it will come one day. And no, I am not prepared, and yes, he's right, I WILL be sad. I'll be more than that though--I'll be distraught.

But I didn't want to tell him that. So I started teasing him back. I said, "Marry me". He said, "but you're already married." I said, "So I can marry you too. The three of us. I'll be faithful to you and my hubby."

He was like, hmmm, what do I say to that?? He just said, "How would that work?" and I said, "very well actually! You'll get everything you want. Emotionally, financially, in every way." I could tell he was intrigued.

I teased him further to show I wasn't jealous. I told him I didn't mind sharing him as long as he was in my life. I said he could date others even if I was faithful to him. He was just floored. He said, "are you trying to bribe me?" and I said, " Hey, whatever works!!" lol

I then said, "I'll be your GF is cute. Is she into girls? Let's have a 3sum!" He said, 'No, no, that part of my life with you is separate from her." boo hoo I said too bad LOL I told him I had a boyfriend in LA and that I'm going to see him in a few weeks (B). He got jealous! Yay! I told him, "nah, I'm just going to see my parents. I want to stop and see you" So we talked about me getting a posh hotel room near him and him coming to see me. He truly wants to, I know he does, but he is "trying to be a good boy" so I'm not planning on going to see him now.

That did lead to an interesting conversation about non-monogamy, and how it doesn't work for us or most people, although they won't admit it. I said, "do you think for a second your GF doesn't have the hots for other guys? Of course she does, but she can't tell you, just like you can't tell her about me." OH I forgot to tell you!!! I asked him about the card I sent. "What card?" was his response. I told him about it, and then asked, "does your GF get your mail?" he said yes, I said, "Well, that explains why you never got it. I'm certain she intercepted it." He said nothing.

So....anyway...he's still online, 2 days later, and writing me all the time again. Why now? What has changed?? Nothing, he's still involved with her. But I did tell him, "you always come back to me." After a long pause, he said, "you're right, I do." 

So we'll see where this goes. My heart has hardened and I'm tougher than I used to be. I get him now, like I never got him before, and I actually feel sorry for his girlfriend, because he has broken her heart so many times (I know from her poetry I found online--thank you again Google) and he will break it again. I don't know if I want him that badly anymore. We should both dump him!!!

Damn it's those blue eyes, those dimples, that sexy voice and the way he makes us feel.

Fuck.

A new movie is out about swinging

There's a new movie that just came out called, "Swinging With the Finkles", and I just heard about it. I saw the trailer, and I had to run straight to my laptop and tell you all about it! It stars Martin Freeman and Mandy Moore as your typical adorable but bored married couple who decide to spice things up a bit in the bedroom by swinging with another married couple. I have not seen it yet---I merely saw a pop-up ad for it on Facebook this morning.

If I were 20 years younger, I'd probably laugh my head off at this movie, like my teenage son did when he and his teenage friends watched "Hall Pass". The subtext goes right over their immature pre-frontal-cortex brains. I tried to have a conversation about that movie and it was futile--he thought it was insanely funny and for that, Hollywood succeeded.

This appears to me to be another lame Hollywood attempt to broach the subject of what to do when married couples hit that inevitable plateau in their sex lives. The biggest problem with these types of movies is that they are made to be palatable for everyone, because the more people that go to see it, the more money they'll make. And Hollywood is all about the bottom line.

Since I haven't seen the film (and intend to do so ASAP) I will instead offer what I wish Hollywood, or most likely, an Idie film company do. And readers, if you know of such a film exists, I hope you'll let me know.

It seems from the trailer that as this married couple decide to find another couple to swing with, they "interview" prospective couples from the living room couch the way you'd interview a housekeeper or babysitter.  Those of us who are ACTUAL swingers know it doesn't work that way! First of all, how did they end up on their couch? Will Hollywood show the Adult Friend Finder or Craigslist ads of this couple? No, probably not.

What I do like from the trailer, however, is the subject of man-with- man sex is addressed. But, of course, it appears it takes the subject lightly--"this doesn't mean I'm gay does it?" the husband asks the other man. "Of course not", he says. I would like to see a man embracing his bi-sexuality. Why can't he enjoy his gay side? If anyone cares to know this, the Kinsey scale on pure heterosexuality is not the norm.  I get so so tired of it being socially acceptable for women to be tit-on-tit but two penises touching? So scandalous!!! Check it out on Kinsey's official site: http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/research/ak-hhscale.html#what

I would like to see, and maybe if it doesn't exist I should write it---the serious, sometimes funny, always sexy and raunchy truth about swinging. Wouldn't you? Is America truly not ready for the truth? After all, "Swinging with the Finkles" is a British movie.

That's it. I'm doing it. I'm going to write it myself.

Who should star in it? How about two completely unknown and talented actors?

Gotta go.

Check out the trailer: http://youtu.be/6tKycPLM0po

WOW!!!! B is back--full speed ahead!

OMG "B" hasn't stopped texting me, and today he called me 3 times. When I didn't answer, he texted me, "Pick up! Why won't you talk to me??" It was wonderful! I told him, "I'm at work. I can't talk." He said, "Just listen! All you have to do is listen!" I thought he was cute. I told him I'd go for a bathroom break and so I did and I called him back. It was amazing. His voice is smooth as chocolate pudding.

"Hi sexy!" he breathed with that velvet voice of his. "I'm so happy to hear from you!" We chatted for about 5 minutes--I had to get back to work. He told me, "You call me ANYTIME. I will pick up. Text me ANYTIME. I will text you back. You're #1". I was speechless.

It has been about 6 months since I last talked to him, so his response really caught me by surprise. He said he had never stopped thinking about me---even though I moved clear across the country. He's still talking about me having his baby! I played along, cuz I just can't understand a guy wanting someone he hardly knows to have his baby. He was all detail. He asked about my cycle and when I ovulate and all. Of course he then had to send me a pic of his 10 inch cock he was stroking thinking about us being together. He shot his cum into a shot glass and said, "Our children are in here!" I giggled, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I said, "Aw, how sweet!" hahaha I really couldn't believe it. If I told anyone who this was they'd never believe me. I'd be on every tabloid cover. It's enough to want to just have his baby and I'd be fucking famous.

He said he doesn't really want to be a full-time dad, he knows how I'm such a good mommy and so loving and I'd raise him/her amazing. He said such sweet things to me. He said my hubby would be the "REAL" dad and that he'd of course want to stay in touch and see the child but wouldn't interfere. He said he'd be curious what it would look like and be like, if he/she was musical like him and talented. I just played along cuz it was fun--and I loved the connection with him.

We texted all morning until the phone call. I needed a break from him he was so intense. I said I would think about it. He said talk to hubby and see what he thinks. Believe it or not, I'd do it. It would be awesome. I wanted to have Mickey's baby--I told him that last time we talked--he said too he knew I'd be a great mom cuz I am one--but he's not ready yet. I told him to let me know ;)

I remember when B and I were fucking---me on top, and his phone was on the night stand. It fucking rang constantly. It was either ringing or he was getting texts, it was ridiculous. I remember saying to him, "someone's trying to get ahold of you", it was so distracting and annoying. He said, "oh yeah, it's always like that." Such is the life of a movie star. So--to have him say, "call me anytime, I'll pick up. Text me anytime, I'll text you back", felt amazing. I felt so important to him. Wow, me??? Number one on your list? Ahead of the directors and casting people and managers and everyone?? Wow. I was speechless.

I sent him some of the pics I took for Darin last night--he loved them!! He said I looked better than ever, and, I quote--"Mmmmm u r sexy mommy, sexier than ever. (Anna) your body looks soooo sexy and fertile, let's put a baby in there".  hee hee sooo cute!  

It's almost 2:30 am. I just had to tell you. I am smiling ear-to-ear.

Aftermath

When my hubby got home from his business trip Thursday night, things were about as bad as they could get between us. It was late, kids were alseep (thankfully), and the look on his face when he came in the door said it all. Not only was I not ok, he was not ok. He was not happy, he was not empathetic, he was cold and angry. It was so scary. I didn't know what to say or what to do. He leaned in and gave me a small kiss and said hello. We went upstairs and without talking, brushed our teeth and got into bed. I lit a candle and we laid in the darkness.

For more than 2 hours we tried talking it out, but things just kept getting worse as we were going in circles. Neither one of us seemed to "get" the other. We were defensive, angry, hurt, exhausted. We both realized this was bigger than the both of us and we had a long way to go.

I kept saying it was the circumstances and the fact that I'd never said it turned me on him being alone with another woman. How did we go from zero to a 4-hour drive, drinks and dinner and an all-nighter???? How could I have possibly been ok with that? I apologized for saying one thing and meaning another, but after 21 years together, doesn't he know me better than that?? That I felt guilty for all the guys I'd been alone with and felt I had no right to say no? But that I WAS saying I wasn't ok with it. I'd said it all day long in all my texts. That I was waiting for him to "do the right thing". Without my telling him or influencing him.

To me, this wasn't about banging some chick and getting his rocks off, like I do. When I get together with some guy, it's an hour, maybe two, and he leaves or I come home. No dates, no all-nighters. I've never even spent the entire night with Mickey. It's an hour here, 1/2 an hour there. So can't he get that I'd be threatened by that???? Fucker!!!! Hello, are you listening???? Shit! He just couldn't get that. That was MY interpretation of events. His was, "she doesn't mean anything to me. I don't get guys like that (snap fingers) like you. This was my only chance. And who knows if I'd have even gone thru with it??? Now we'll never know."

True. I'll never know. But I couldn't take that chance because to me, it was too big. I really thought that's it, he does it, our marriage is over. Because he shouldn't have put himself (or me) in this position in the first place. I couldn't win once he'd invited her to drive to come see him (which he says he didn't. He "merely stated" that he would be in her state...give me a break!!!!)

After about two hours of yelling and accusations, we laid there silent. I bravely said, "I'm turned on. Are you?" he said no. I said, "So you could fuck her last night but not me tonight? That's nice." I was so pissed off. Well, he decided he'd better fuck me so he reached for me and we had ten minutes of the angriest sex we've ever had. We only got about 3 hours of sleep that night and that didn't help things in the light of day.

The next day was Mother's Day and it was my worst ever. Yes, he gave me a beautiful card, but it seemed contrite and insincere given the way he was acting. He seemed like he was pouting and that made me angrier. As if I'd promised him Disneyland and dropped him off at the dump instead. There was no sweetness, no humor, only coldness. I didn't even recognize this man I've spent the last 21 years with. He said he hadn't eaten since the dinner with her. Had lost 6 pounds. Wasn't even going to have a glass of wine anymore. He was turning into someone I didn't know. He was irritating me so much, I just wanted to slap him. I honestly didn't know where we were or where we were going.

Mother's Day night, he suggested a bath, and I took him up on it. He still refused to have any wine. I had some for him.  It was nice but very awkward. We couldn't even look each other in the eyes.

Slowly, we started to talk. I had a recollection that I thought was an important point. I had suddenly remembered something that happened about 3 months ago. Hubby was in another state where Rachel lived (a co-worker of his we had a 3sum with). And he was stuck due to weather just miles from her, and I clearly remember telling him to call her up and stay the night with her. I was actually turned on at the time. I obviously didn't feel threatened or I wouldn't have suggested it. He declined and got a hotel. Why did he decline? I don't know. He didn't say. And when I brought it up, he still didn't say.

So, to me, it showed me that maybe he has more feelings for this other girl than he's letting on. AND it confirms that it was the whole romantic-ness of this "date" with her was what was upsetting me. If he'd gone to spend the night with Rachel, it would've been MY idea, and it would've been more of a "bang" than a "date". He said he got that. He said he understood. But I think it was more of acquiesing than true understanding. That is where I'm stuck.

He is stuck at, "You said the D-word. I never thought we'd ever come to that." I said, "I don't know if I meant it. I was hysterical. I just knew I was angry at you." And of course I have apologized many many times. I've apologized for the mixed signals but can he understand that they weren't really mixed at all? But rather him hearing what he wanted to hear--"have sex with her and spare me the details." He got mad at that. I can see his point but still, to me it's crystal clear and it's really not about me and Mickey and our whole relationship needing to be re-thought and negotiated.

To me, it's this, and it's simple----he has never admitted to wanting to be alone with another woman. Now he did. He invited her, he wanted her, it was a date. This wasn't a simple sex romp. This was a DATE and I felt threatened. If he can't get that, and I mean REALLY get that, we do need to re-evaluate our relationship.

BTW I found a therapist. I do want to stay married and I know he does too. We have too much together to give it all up so easily.

Oh, and speaking of Mickey, haven't heard from him in about a week. Not even sure exactly how many days, and that's saying something. And I realize, I don't even miss him. He just doesn't give me what I need anymore. I have no desire to text him or call him. If I hear from him, fine. I'm not doing the chasing anymore. I just don't care.

The tables are turned.....and I'm kinda freaking out

My hubby's got his first opportunity to be alone with another girl tomorrow night. Being that he's fine with me being alone with guys makes me feel like I have no right getting upset at him doing the same thing--but I am kinda freaking out. I'm trying not to.

I clearly remember our conversation the very first time he encouraged me to spend the night alone with Mickey. I told him, "you know, I don't think I'd be okay if you did this. I honestly don't know how it is you're not only ok with this, but encouraging it." He assured me he was fine; it turned him on. Since that time, there hasn't been another woman he's wanted to be alone with, and he's actually not even admitting to me he wants to be alone with her.

To back up, we had a 3sum with her a few weekends ago. I know the two of them are attracted to one another, and I've kind of felt like, would you two just leave me out of it? Have your fun. I don't really want to watch or be involved. I was involved, and yes, it was hot, but my hubby didn't even take his underwear off. We were all drunk and had an early flight so he was just like, this is fun, let's stop here and not take a chance on ruining the friendship. I misunderstood and thought he was more into her than he was letting on, so he played it cool. He said no, too drunk, just fooling around was fun enough.

Well, he's in her state for work, and has a free night, and she wants to drive 4 hours to see him.

Hmmm.

Yeah.

So he's in a tough spot now---he's gotta decide what to do.

I told him I'm a little unnerved she's willing to drive 4 hours to be with him.  Makes me uncomfortable.

But if it weren't so far, would I feel any differently?

Probably not.

I feel like I hold myself to a different standard. I can sleep with other guys but he can't sleep with other women? That's not fair. I know it's not.

I'm trying to act like I'm fine with it but I'm really not. It's obvious I feel threatened. I wish I didn't. I want him to feel the joy and excitement with a new partner, but I don't!! I feel like such a selfish bitch!!

I guess that's the hard part about swinging and an open marriage. It's giving permission to your spouse to have an affair. The difference is there's no lying, no cheating, no secrets. No sneaking around, cuz you're telling each other everything.  But that doesn't mean it's easy, or you don't care, or you don't get jealous.

Poor guy. I'm giving him mixed signals cuz I don't want to be the bitch that says no. Or, the bitch that can't forgive him afterward.