Finding happiness in the middle of the night

Long after I'd gone to sleep two nights ago, I hear the familiar chime on my iPhone on my nightstand. It's Mickey. FINALLY. He's on yahoo messenger at long last, and writes me his usual, "what's up?" like a whole month hasn't passed but just a few days.

How I longed for the strength to ignore him. I laid there in the dark, staring at his user name, and his words, but I was too happy and relieved to have any sort of resolve. I wrote him back immediately, "hey sexy man, where've you been?" Thanks to my detective work (called Google) I knew I wasn't going to take any excuses.

He started in with his usual, "busy". I said, 'Bullshit". Ok, I actually didn't say that, but I wanted to. That's what I was thinking. I ignore it and asked if he'd gotten a phone yet--knowing full well he did. Yeah, he said. I asked him what hasn't he called or texted me? Had he changed his number? He said no, same number. I said I'd texted and called him and no response. He said simply, "my GF  gets mad." Hmmm.

Since he doesn't actually talk in complete sentences on yahoo messenger, I ask them and wait for answers. I was bold and pretty straightforward. Even though I'd been sound asleep moments earlier. The gist of his situation is this--he's back and forth with the same GF he'd cheated on with me that fateful June 25th day in that hotel room way back when I first started this blog!! Two years ago? Three? I can't even remember. Yes, same girlfriend.

I asked him if he was happy with her. He said, "comes and goes." WOW isn't he descriptive? What the hell does that mean??! So I poked and prodded him. Because I always feel that every single encounter with him could be the last. I try to get as much out of him every time JUST IN CASE.

He teased me back.  He said, "you'll be sad when I get married." So I said, "why is that?" hahaha I used to say things like, "oh, I know, I don't know how I'll handle it." But not now. He has worn me down. 

He didn't answer. So I said next, "So! When's the wedding?" and I was about to say, "so I can send my gift" but he quickly answered, "LOL I'm not getting married!" I've been down this road with him before and I know it will come one day. And no, I am not prepared, and yes, he's right, I WILL be sad. I'll be more than that though--I'll be distraught.

But I didn't want to tell him that. So I started teasing him back. I said, "Marry me". He said, "but you're already married." I said, "So I can marry you too. The three of us. I'll be faithful to you and my hubby."

He was like, hmmm, what do I say to that?? He just said, "How would that work?" and I said, "very well actually! You'll get everything you want. Emotionally, financially, in every way." I could tell he was intrigued.

I teased him further to show I wasn't jealous. I told him I didn't mind sharing him as long as he was in my life. I said he could date others even if I was faithful to him. He was just floored. He said, "are you trying to bribe me?" and I said, " Hey, whatever works!!" lol

I then said, "I'll be your GF is cute. Is she into girls? Let's have a 3sum!" He said, 'No, no, that part of my life with you is separate from her." boo hoo I said too bad LOL I told him I had a boyfriend in LA and that I'm going to see him in a few weeks (B). He got jealous! Yay! I told him, "nah, I'm just going to see my parents. I want to stop and see you" So we talked about me getting a posh hotel room near him and him coming to see me. He truly wants to, I know he does, but he is "trying to be a good boy" so I'm not planning on going to see him now.

That did lead to an interesting conversation about non-monogamy, and how it doesn't work for us or most people, although they won't admit it. I said, "do you think for a second your GF doesn't have the hots for other guys? Of course she does, but she can't tell you, just like you can't tell her about me." OH I forgot to tell you!!! I asked him about the card I sent. "What card?" was his response. I told him about it, and then asked, "does your GF get your mail?" he said yes, I said, "Well, that explains why you never got it. I'm certain she intercepted it." He said nothing.

So....anyway...he's still online, 2 days later, and writing me all the time again. Why now? What has changed?? Nothing, he's still involved with her. But I did tell him, "you always come back to me." After a long pause, he said, "you're right, I do." 

So we'll see where this goes. My heart has hardened and I'm tougher than I used to be. I get him now, like I never got him before, and I actually feel sorry for his girlfriend, because he has broken her heart so many times (I know from her poetry I found online--thank you again Google) and he will break it again. I don't know if I want him that badly anymore. We should both dump him!!!

Damn it's those blue eyes, those dimples, that sexy voice and the way he makes us feel.

Fuck.

Thank God for Yahoo Messenger!

Mickey has been instant messenging (IM'ing) me on yahoo messenger just about every single day! yay!! I'm soo happy!! Since he dropped his phone in water, he hasn't been able to afford another phone, so he's on his computer and I've been on my iphone and that's how we've kept in touch. I love love love hearing from him! I check my phone all the time--to see if he's written me--and it runs the battery down so I'm having to keep it plugged in 24/7 LOL

He said, "I bet if you could, you'd lock me in your closet and keep me all to yourself". Does that boy know me or what??!! ha ha I told him absolutely I would! I was telling him I wanted to help him buy a new phone--not for entirely selfless reasons LOL cuz I miss hearing his voice and I prefer texting. i don't get a chime when he writes an IM and my phone goes dead checking it all day long. He said, "you want to be my sugar mama?" and I said, "yes I do!"

He also said he's glad to be able to talk to me on the IM. Yay! That made me happy! We talked about him coming here to visit and we said how there are things we didn't get to do together we still want to do ;) oh yeah! I told him he "still owes me" and he said, "i know, i know". I am not done with that boy!!

My problem is I think I come on too strong. I can't help myself. I've always been like this. When i like someone, I'm on 100%. I wrote him an email yesterday, telling him about the move and all, didn't get sexual except at the end, told him I'd be his sugar mama "as long as you still love me back." WTF? see how I am? And I ALSO sent him 2 pics of me in my bikini--one at home and one on the beach. I haven't heard from him since!!! And I talked to Hubby last night--he said he'd love for me to be Mickey's sugar mama! So... today I was planning on putting some money in his bank account. I still have the info from helping him out with his traffic ticket.

So... I don't know. I love the idea of helping him. I did tell him in an IM that I wanted to help him out financially but didn't want it to ruin our relationship. Did he ever respond?? NO so I don't know how he feels about it. I think I'll just put the money in today and tell him it's for a new phone. I'm sure he'll be thankful.

I'll keep y'all posted.

OMG!! Mickey's coming to see me in 2 weeks!

"I got the time off.....I'm all yours", Mickey texted me. OMG I just melted reading it! Yep, it's true-- Mickey's going to be here in 2 weeks! It doesn't seem real. I don't want to fuck it up or it to go badly like the time I flew 800 miles to see him. He's coming to ME this time!! 


I bought his plane ticket last night! I learned what his middle name is and that was sweet. Yes, of course, my hubby knows. I wouldn't see Mickey without his blessing. He knows what Mickey means to me. I look at this as an opportunity to put the past in the past, and maybe forge ahead a new relationship with Mickey. I don't really know what kind of relationship that may be....from the very beginning 4 years ago, when we first spent the night together, all I wanted was a happy little threesome. We both fell in love with him; we both wanted to rescue him, make him happy, be with him. Maybe that's how it'll end up this time. That's what I'd love.


Most women wouldn't have given him this second, third, fourth chance, whatever the hell it is. He's hurt me so many times I've lost count, but I know he's broken my heart twice. He's unreliable, he's secretive, he's a liar, he's a scoundrel (i just love that word) he truly is. I think he's incapable of sustaining anything serious but it's because he's wounded that I feel like I understand, and forgive him. It's the mom in me that wants to nurture him. The lover in me wants to please him.


It's as if I can't remember how hurt I was that day he walked out of the hotel room and left me there, naked on the bed, lying to me about a phone call he was going to make and "be right back". Ironically, it happened to be the day Michael Jackson died (which has absolutely NOTHING at all to do with the story!) I don't know how or why I forgive him, I guess he doesn't really deserve it. But somehow, despite it all, we've stayed in touch, and in 2 weeks he's going to be here.


We've had some interesting conversations....he's actually phoned me several times and a few days ago we talked for nearly 45 min!! A record that's for sure! I don't quite know what's going on with him, but he seems to be opening up to me for the first time. It's sooooo nice to feel like I'm getting to know him. I've always felt that if I knew him better--if some of the mystery was gone, I'd obsess about him less. That I'd be able to see him for who he truly is, not who I want him to be.  Mostly we text, but I've actually got a voicemail I've kept, just to hear his sexy voice. Calling is not really his forte; if he can text he'd rather do that. An avoider. So, I've really enjoyed talking to him this last week, arranging plans.


My problem is, I had high expectations when I went to see him a year ago, and things didn't go well. Yeah, we had sex, but it wasn't amazing, it was like we really didn't even click. The truth was, I was sooo excited to see him, I was all nerves. AND I was supremely hung over from bar-hopping with my hubby the night before, waiting endlessly to see Mickey, who never materialized. Sporadic texts throughout the night, claiming one reason and another. I went to bed drunk and horny and mixed up. A midnight text inquiring about an afternoon rendezvous from him, and, of course, all was forgiven.


By the time he showed up, I realized I had only gotten myself physically ready to see him, not emotionally. I looked great--122 pounds, hair recently colored, tan and sexy. He was seeing me at my best. 


I really couldn't believe he showed up. There he was at my hotel door. As cute as I'd remembered. Just fucking, smoking hot. Sexy blue eyes, longish black hair, and that smile and dimples. Shit. I was a hungover mess, although in an attractive shell. I look back and realize I set the tone by just standing there.....I was in shock. I opened the door and just stared at him, in disbelief. I should've grabbed him and hugged him and kissed him. Instead, I was shy, self-protective, and uneasy. I sure hope I don't act that way this time.


I'm hoping not to be alone with him this time, maybe if my hubby comes with me to pick him up from the airport it'll be easier. He told me he's old enough to drink now (legally, LOL) and so I want to take him out to talk. Break the ice. I didn't get to do that before. For me, flirting and sipping a drink and feeling the walls come down is great foreplay. I never get enough of those blue eyes and that smile, and sexy voice, I fantasize about sitting across the table from him and just listening to him talk. Watching his mannerisms. That to me is sexy.


Of course I want sex....but I think just as much, I want understanding. I want to know what makes him tick. Why did he leave me like that? I'm going to try not to ask. Cuz when I asked him why he moved away 4 years ago without saying goodbye it made things sooo awkward between us. But I think I get it now....goodbyes are horrendous. I absolutely hate them. They're so uncomfortable. 


It's after 2 am and I'm falling asleep. I'm trying to sort out how I feel, and at the same time, try to diet LOL cuz I've gained about 5 pounds and feel insecure at the moment. It doesn't help that B is completely ignoring me now. I'm serious.....after being with B, I was like, "Mickey who??" I felt myself really crushing on him and it felt so good. I was soooo comfortable with him, not second-guessing myself constantly like I do with Mickey. I thought, hmmm, this is soo nice, he's so complimentary, I know he's totally into me, this is sexy and hot and comfortable all at the same time. But it's been a week and nada. Nothing. Zilch. I texted him while I wrote this, "hi sexy", and no response. So I feel crappy about myself cuz I'm not one of his model buddies. I'm not 25, I'm just me. And he liked "just me" for the last 4 months....and I know I was beligerent, texting him drunk. SUCH a bad idea. Damn it! But we still got together, and it was great.


I have to plan for my emotions when Mickey gets here. I want to be cute, I want to be fun and sexy, and I want to be honest. I want HIM to be honest. He's agreed to be my sex slave since we're paying his way out here. I fucking cannot WAIT!!!!!!!!!!