This is for you, my dear readers....I owe you this.....

You're right---this blog has deteriorated to being more "the Mickey Journal" than anything else. But you have to understand--this man has a stranglehold on my heart and soul. He's not just someone I fuck. I am in love with this asshole, who for some reason, I just can't let go of. I've known him 6 years, and we have such a tumultuous relationship. It's hot and cold, just like the Katy Perry song. When it's hot, I'm happy, when he's cold, I'm miserable. I never know from one day to the next with him--he'll ignore me for days or weeks on end (and months sometimes) and I think I'll never hear from him again and my heart just freezes up and I'm a complete mess. Then, I'll hear from him, as if no time had passed, and I come to life again. It's insane. I know it is.

Remember my dear friends, that I am a married woman, and Mickey is the third person in our relationship. It's not simply a man and a woman who have an on-again/off-again relationship. My feelings for Mickey affect my marriage and my sanity and all my relationships. He's always on my mind, 24/7, even though obviously I'm not on his. I don't know what he means to me exactly, but all I know is, I can't imagine not having him in my life. My children met him, they ask about him, and I have to lie.

He means more to me than I wish he did, and no matter how many sexy men I meet, he's really the only one I'd rather be with. My hubby and I have a very close, intimate relationship and Mickey fits right in. We'd like more from him, but he's unwilling to give us more. It's incredibly painful and heartbreaking, and I guess I'm an eternal optimist because I keep hitting my head against the wall, hoping and praying he'll not only stay in our lives but move here and really be with me, with us. He goes back and forth, teasing me, and I hang onto those crumbs he gives me like a lifeline. I know it's pathetic, but I know I'm not the only person who's ever pined endlessly for someone the way I do for Mickey.

I know you want to hear more sex stories, but if you follow me, you'll see that since we moved to another state, not much has happened. (not that I'm not trying!!) If you go to my archives, you'll see lots of steamy stories. And yes, they are ALL TRUE.

I look forward to sharing more intimate stories with you as they unfold. In the meantime, a reader has requested I write about a girl-on-girl story I had, so I'm working on that and I'll post it soon.

I love you my readers, please keep the feedback coming. You help me sort things out.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Mickey's back to cat and mouse games again, evidently. He's not returning my calls, or texts, or responding to yahoo messenger. WTF???? just a few days ago he was writing me, very sexy nasty stuff. Now nothing.
How do I not take it personally??? I'm jumping out of my skin. I want to jump on a plane and go see him.

I can't take this shit from him. Things were sooooo good, now, WTF? I don't know what's going on.

I have other guys texting me and giving me attention. But Mickey's all I want.

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Goddamn him.

Saving my sanity

I have decided to go ahead and really write that book. Finish it. I have 13 chapters done. What's stopping me? Oh I have many excuses. I vascillate between writing a memoir that will undoubtedly get me on every single talk show in America, with movie rights bought immediately as it hits Number 1 on the Best Sellers Lists. BUT----then I'll lose my family, my friends, and all dignity. So, guess it has to be a work of fiction, although everyone knows that a writer's first book is always a non-fiction work in disguise. My hubby says, just write it.

I am back and forth with Mickey (so what else is new??) and he's making me crazy again. I just give him too much power over me. If I hear from him, I'm happy, in a good mood, and if I don't, I'm cranky and irritable. I don't know how my hubby puts up with me. I think if I write the book and spend a year (or less, hopefully!) I can purge it all out of my system. And who knows what will happen. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of.

I had a "lightbulb" moment at the gym yesterday. (I do all my meditating while I'm running). I realized that my hubby has never given me an ultimatum--Mickey, or him. He is OK with us all being a happy 3sum. It's Mickey that's not ok with it, in the long-run anyway. HE'S the one who would ultimately make me choose. And that moment yesterday when I realized that, was the moment that would be the story of my book. I know who I'd choose---but how would I live with the choice? Either one would be incredibly painful.

I'm excited to write it now, and I do think about that day when Mickey gets his very own personalized copy from me, delivered to his doorstep. He did ask me that day in the hotel room, why haven't I finished it?? He's got a big enough ego that he wants to see his story in print. I have a big enough ego that I want to see MY name on the cover.

Writing is so cathartic. I know that Mickey will never actually make me choose; he has said he would never want to break up my hubby and me. But what if he wanted me that badly.....???