A new look and Anna gets riled up!

Hello you sexy readers out there ;)

I've been thinking about my blog a lot and love love love when I hear from you! Someone pointed out to me that my blog name really wasn't accurate, in that I'm not a swinger (anymore). I couldn't argue with that fact! When I first started this blog in February 2010, my husband and I WERE swingers, so, hence the name, "Diary of a Swinging Housewife". Also, the blog domain name, "We-Swing" is no longer accurate, as a loyal follower pointed out to me. I am grateful for him and today I changed it to better reflect the journey from swinging married couple to ethical non-monogamy. I'm still not sure about the title; it may change again but I do feel like my experiences are leading me to a much wiser position as someone who has been around the block SO many times, I want to teach and lead you all to a better sex life as well as happier, more authentic and fulfilling relationships with your SO's.

Most of my blog posts are experiences I've had but there are posts that are informational such as this favorite of mine

https://naughtyannasguidetogreatsex.blogspot.com/2016/12/is-your-pussy-dry-heres-why.html


In the last seven years, I've posted 209 posts. That's insane! Looking over my blog with the proverbial fine-tooth-comb, I realize that I've shared my heart and soul with you all. I share things with you I wouldn't dare share with anyone who actually knows me. That's how special you all are! Do you realize that?? You, my dear readers, are less judgmental and more accepting of me than family and friends. This fact does bother me on a regular basis, as I wish so much that I could be more authentic myself. Sex is everyone's favorite topic. It's in the news constantly, especially lately with all the allegations of sexual misconduct by all these famous people. If sex is our favorite topic, why do I have to hide behind a pseudonym?? It's for the very reason that in our society, unless you're having vanilla monogamous sex behind closed doors, discreet and un-discussed, you're a freak, you're a sexual deviant, and there's something wrong with you, and you are a threat to society. We use the word "slut" with a wink and a chuckle, because we don't label a woman who enjoys sex without procreation as a negative, but the rest of the world still does, very unfortunately.

Look how white men have tried, and continue to try, to control women's sexuality. Take away our birth control, our rights to abortion, our rights to control our own bodies. The right-wing evangelicals are a threat to our well-being, and yet, here's another one, Judge Roy Moore, who couldn't be more misogynistic and homophobic if he tried, accused by no less than five women now of having had inappropriate conduct with him when they were teenagers. Of course he vehemently denies it! Did anyone think Roy Moore was a decent human being?????

He's really just a metaphor for the whole middle-aged white men, right-wing evangelical movement. I certainly didn't vote for Trump or any of his cronies, because I knew this was where his presidency would go.

I apologize to any middle-aged white men who aren't in that category. I know if you're a reader of my blog you don't subscribe to that mind-set at all. But isn't it interesting that only middle-aged white men are in the so-called "moral majority"??? Do you see any African-Americans in there? Sadly there are a few white women who rally alongside this cluster-fuck of an administration. There's KellyAnne Conway, who someday is going to wake up and realize she's sold her soul to the devil.

We can't go back people. We can't go back to the days of treating women as second-class citizens. How we ever got a president who admitted to just "grab them by the pussy" is beyond me. And now he's overturned Obama's federal protection of African elephants.

Is nothing sacred anymore??????

Sigh.

Well, I will continue to write about sex and enough of the politics. I am a staunch feminist but not the man-hating kind, and I'm not a lesbian. Like I wrote, I love men, I love all kinds of men and I truly believe if more men embrace their feminine side and stand up for the women in their lives, we can overcome gender tyranny. Everyone wins!!!!

It's Friday, go out and get some--bring your lube and wear your condoms but make sure it's consensual!!!!!!!

Love always,

Anna XOXOX

Rocker Boy rocks my world

Well, well, well my dear sexy readers, HAVE I GOT A STORY TO TELL YOU!!!!!!!

I just re-read my last post "Rocker Boy's Surprise Return" and just had to snicker because when I think of him now I think about the hot naked guy in my bed who I made cum three times.

Heh heh heh heh yeah!!!! RIGHT????!!! WHOA ANNA WHAT THE FUCK??!!!!

So in between that last blog post and last week, Rocker Boy one night had called me SEVEN TIMES between 3:30 am-5am. I never picked up. In the morning I texted him that I turn my phone off at night (which I do). I can't be his rescuer, I can't be the one to talk him off the ledge, and I needed to set a boundary with him. I decided he was probably gay anyways and so took my expectations about him down to the friend zone. If he really did like me he's the slowest ever to act on it so what the fuck. We'd been texting back and forth here and there mostly just to try to agree to meet up for coffee and nothing more. Except for saying that one time that "if something more happened that would be okay too" he's never flirted, never gave me any sign he was interested in anything more than friendship, especially after flaking out about meeting me on my way home from the airport.

So last week my hubby was out of town for work, and I had a whole week ahead of me with nothing more than just tennis and errands to look forward to. I should say that New Guy is completely out of the picture. Boring--no story to tell I'm just fed up and bored with him.  I had been texting Asian Stripper Boy a lot--he was SO attentive. Texting and Snapchatting me 24/7, saying the most sensual things to me, like "I love making you happy" and "OMG baby I just want to make you happy" and it goes on and on and on. So of course I had him in mind to fuck since he was so attentive and I've had fun with him before, it has just been over a year tho. So I decided I wanted to meet him for a drink first, not just have him show up, because what if I'm not attracted to him anymore? He's super flaky and even tho he's super hot, he seems to live a very fast lifestyle and I don't want to catch anything from him, so I thought I'd slow him down and meet up with him first.

We had plans Tuesday night to meet at this cute new bar that just went up and he wrote and cancelled. Said "family emergency" which I knew was a lie. He begged for me to try for the next night instead. I said "sure". I mean I had no other plans so why not. I didn't care really either way.

So Wednesday night I had a girl's dinner first, and I got a text from him mid-dinner, "I'm so sorry can we rain check i know I'm the worst rn". I didn't respond. Sooooo done.

Instead I wrote Rocker Boy, "What are u doing tonight? I had a date. He flaked on me" with a laughing till you're crying emoji. It'was 7:30-ish. He wrote right back he was at band practice til 8. I said, "awesome I'm at dinner. Let's get a drink somewhere". He didn't respond til 9:05, and at this point I was home and already tipsy from three glasses of wine and no dinner (what is it with chicks? Appetizers? We shared three bruschettas for 9 people. No one ordered dinner. I should have).

So I just said, "Home! You should come over. Empty house!" He asked for my address. He said, "you live in my hometown!" and he knew exactly where I lived just by the address. I raced around the house lighting candles. I didn't need to pick up thankfully bc my house was spotless.

He got here around 10:30pm. I wish I hadn't been so drunky but in a way it was good bc I was nervous. I had no idea what to expect. Why was he here??? I really didn't know what to expect.

I was so excited to see him though. He's so cute. Like Jordan, he's just my type--skinny rocker boy, lots of hair, looks sexy in skinny jeans and a band T-shirt. He's got the prettiest blue eyes too, shoulder-length black hair, messy and sexy. And great teeth and smile. I mean I'd had a crush on him for a year! It was just never reciprocated.

He came in and we went into the kitchen. He was very complimentary about the house. He was chatty, it was really a relief. Telling me about how he grew up near here, told me about his mom who has 4 cats (my dog and cat came up to greet him).

He sat down at the kitchen island and I asked him if he wanted a drink. I have quite a cabinet of alcohol with just about anything anybody could want LOL and sure enough I had what he wanted, rum and coke. First tho we did a shot of Fireball (my favorite). While he sipped his drink we chatted, I honestly don't remember about what though, and I don't remember how he got into my bed but next thing I knew we were naked and fucking! It was awesome! I had put on some EDM and with the candles everything looked so inviting. I love fucking and fucking like this when everything is quiet perfect. And probably I was a little too drunkie but I love that out-of-body feeling when you just merge with that other person, ya know? I used to feel that sober with Blondie. And of course I always feel that with my hubby but it's rare I ever feel that with someone else, so this was just what I had been wanting. I missed that feeling since Blondie ended things with me and this was the first time in almost 2 years I'd felt it with someone. Rocker Boy's small body and mine just fit so well together. I rode him like a wild cowgirl and when he went down on me, I grabbed that messy hair of his and shoved his face in my pussy and let him know how much I loved it.

We fell asleep wrapped up together like the cover of an erotic novel, our arms and legs and bodies entangled together. The cat jumping on the bed at dawn awoke us both, and as I opened my eyes I saw our bodies were still touching. We were 'spooning", his back was to me but my body was pressed up against his. Next thing I knew, he reached for me without turning around, caressing my hips, he then found my hand and squeezed it. Right then he flipped over and faced me and greeted me with a nice big hard dick. He started kissing me and I thought "omg morning breath" and oddly enough I was too dreamy and sleepy for it to really register and just kissed him back! And you know what all that kissing leads to hehehehe and "spooning leads to forking" and sure enough we were fucking again.

We fell back asleep again afterwards, cuddled up with one another again. It was so intimate and felt amazing and loving.

I woke up around 8:30, which for a weekday was really late. He was sound asleep, and I was restless, so I got up and made a pot of coffee, brushed my teeth, went to the bathroom and I won't apologize for this but put on a little make-up so I wouldn't look so horrifying when he woke up! I went back to bed and distracted myself with Facebook, my words with friends games, and various other time-wasters.I texted my hubby and we chatted for awhile--I wanted to make sure he knew what I was up to and make sure he was still ok with it all. He def was thankfully.

I was getting annoyed Rocker Boy was still asleep. I really didn't have anything going on ironically; my tennis match, I had NO appointments to go to, so I didn't have anything better to do than be with this hot man. I began texting my BFF. I told her, "there's a man in my bed and he ain't my husband!" She had been dying to hear from me since the night before when I wrote her that Asian Stripper Boy flaked on me and that Rocker Boy was coming over.

I think it got to be around 10:00 or so, and I was really bored and didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to leave, but I was bored watching him sleep. I never even got up to have a cup of the coffee I'd made. I don't know why! I guess I just forgot about it. I hadn't had any guy sleep over since Jordan did three years ago! I was baffled what to do. What was the etiquette???!!

My hubby said, "wake him with a BJ". I said, "really?? Won't he be annoyed I woke him?" He said, "Trust me. If he's annoyed you woke him with his dick in your mouth than kick him out!!!" I said, "okey doke!" So that's what I did. He was laying on his side with his back to me, and I just gently moved my body so it was touching his, and he stirred. I let my hand lightly touch him--his back, his cute butt, his thighs, and he stirred more and as he was turning over to face me I just took that hardening cock in my mouth and began sucking him. He moaned and squirmed in ecstasy. I was happy my hubby was right! He wasn't annoyed at all! He loved it! As I sucked and licked him I'd glance up at his face and he was staring right at me. It was so fun. He stroked my hair affectionately and watched me please him.

Then he put his hands on my face and gently took my mouth off of him. He put his hands on my waist and hips and pulled me on top of him. I fucked that boy hard while he sucked my nipples and he came so fast. Afterwards we laid there in each other's arms again and we both fell asleep. I felt so happy and loved and safe and it was really awesome.

Soon tho we both awoke again, and I asked him if he was hungry. He said, "YES!!" I said "me too! How about some scrambled eggs and toast?" He said "sounds awesome!" So I put on a sexy bralette and lingerie shorts and went downstairs and made us some food. He came down and looked so sexy, his hair all tousled. He was happy and we both sat down on the tall chairs on the kitchen island. It was awkward though--I found myself stammering and finally turned on the TV news for some sound. He wasn't chatty at all like he'd been the night before, and I found myself not knowing what to say or do. So when that happens I get MORE chatty and don't even realize I'm doing it, but he seemed to like hearing me talk LOL I showed him pics of our trip to Burning Man and he seemed interested.

I felt like I was ready for him to go then. He said he had to work at 1:30, and it was like noonish. I told him he could shower if he wanted to, and he said that sounded awesome. We went upstairs and I got him a big fluffy towel, told him to use whatever was in there and enjoy! I closed the door to give him privacy and just left him alone. I made the bed and then just sat and played with my phone while I waited for him. I pondered, "should I go shower with him? " Again, "whats the etiquette here??" I decided since he had to go to work that I'd leave him alone. He was probably in "work mode".

After he showered and dressed we went back upstairs and chatted for a bit about his job (he's a writer for a website) which is cool! And then it came time for him to leave. It still felt like there was so much awkwardness, and I'm pretty sure I hugged him and we kissed a perfunctory kiss at the door. Not very romantic but he was so quiet it made it awkward for me. I wished he'd just grabbed me and kissed me hard but he didn't so I was busy being self-conscious.

He left happily I thought, on a good note I hoped, and well, he did text me later that day but I haven't heard much from him since.

There's a major snag I'll tell you about next time. I did something I guess I shouldn't have done.

Rocker Boy's surprise return!!!

Around 5:30 am two weeks I was barely awake, standing in my bathroom in the dimmest light possible, putting my makeup on, getting ready for a flight to DC to meet my hubby who was there for work. Suddenly, I get a private message from none other than Rocker Boy!! Now before I tell you what he said, let me refresh your memory that I have NOT spoken to him at all ever since the day we met at one of my band's performances. I'll attach the link to the blog post. Basically, he was there with his friends and it was an instant crush on my part, but he apparently didn't feel the same and I pretty much forgot about him.

I did see him a few months ago at a charity thing he had for his friend/girlfriend/faghag (who knows??) who died suddenly of an aneurysm about 8 months ago. It was at a rock bar with lots of bands performing (including him) and I deliberately sought him out to give him a hello hug and make sure he knew I was there. It felt obligatory for him so I just let it go. That was April or May I think, and even though we're FB friends (and have like 200 mutual friends) we are in different social circles and just haven't crossed paths either. I assumed he was gay and his friend/gf/faghag Cindy who died was just a friend.

And then there was this message from him, which literally stopped me dead in my tracks. He wrote, "Are you awake I really need to talk to someone really bad right now I know it's a crazy hour but i don't really care right now anymore, I'm falling apart".

Did you just have a heart attack too?? That was my reaction. Fucking heart attack. WHOA ROCKER BOY WHAT THE FUCK????

I'm ordinarily never ever ever awake before 6:40 am so obviously, the Universe was there for him and I was indeed awake. I wrote back something to the effect of "yes I'm here what's going on?" We texted back and forth for a little bit but he wanted me to call him so I did. Here I was rushing to catch a plane and I'm trying to save someone's life at the same time. I couldn't ignore him. This wasn't what I wanted with him and frankly, it was more disconcerting than anything else and I was so distracted trying to get ready and pack.

He seemed totally fine on the phone. He has a lilting voice, it was positive actually and surprising bc I've only said like 3 words to him ever, and here he was, it was dawn and he was pouring out his heart to me. Basically, he was still grieving the loss of his beloved Cindy (who I came to assume was indeed a GF----guess he's not gay after all?) and he said he'd started dating someone new and after 2 weeks she went back to her abusive ex and why would she do that? etc. He was heartbroken and guess he was pretty low. After dealing with New Guy and HIS depression I  just thought, I can't date any more depressed men. It's too exhausting and they're too hit and miss. And I was so certain Rocker Boy was gay anyways, I didn't really feel flirty talking to him or anything. I needed to assess, was he a danger to himself?? Was I talking someone off a ledge?? I was mostly panicky talking to him, even though he sounded totally lucid and fine, talking about bands and music and all. It started to feel like, did you think you needed to sound desperate to have an excuse to write me?? Is this a ruse?? I was very confused, and it didn't help that it wasn't even sunrise and I was rushing to get out of the house.

What was awesome though was we were super revealing with one another. Without saying "I'm married but in an open relationship"---which I think he already surmised---I was commiserating and said I'd been in a 7 week relationship last year which was very short like his (really?? two weeks and he's devastated??? Hmmm...) and he was responding well. I knew he needed mostly to vent and have his feelings validated so that's what I mostly did. I did say I needed to get off the phone and get going, and that I wished he'd contacted me yesterday, LOL I could've gone to see him and given him a hug. He said he wished he had. I said "well consider yourself hugged right now" and reassured him that I was still available to talk and text, I just had a plane to catch and had to get going. I had told him that I liked him from that first day we met and he revealed he'd "never stopped thinking about me" which totally took me by surprise. I was totally taken aback. And then, the whopper.

I know he lives near the airport, and I suggested stopping by on my way home from the airport. I was only going to be gone 3 days. I said I could deliver that hug in person. He said he'd totally love that, and (here it comes) "if it leads to more that would be totally okay too".

ROCKER BOY WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME?????

This was shocking information!!! I thought he was gay!!!

So I was like, "really??? You'd want that?" and he responded, "I've always wanted that!' which shocked me even more! I felt like, 'really dipshit??? I kissed you the day we met. It doesn't get more obvious than that. And more than a year later you're telling me you've "always wanted that"??!!

So we left it at that. That was the plan, I was going to stop and see him on the way home from the airport three days from now. And he thanked me profusely for being there for him, he was super sweet and complimentary, it was an amazing phone call. I felt all day like I'd dreamed it. It was so strange and wonderful.

And he texted me off and on all day, then it slowed as the couple of days went by, and then, I hadn't heard from him much at all my last day in DC. I wanted to know if I was still stopping to see him on the way home from the airport (I would've worn something sexier on the plane if I was; if I wasn't, I'd go the comfort route). He hadn't written, "Are you still coming to see me tomorrow on your way home from the airport?" which I should've just left alone and realized he was a flake, but I poked him anyways to get a response. At 10:40 am I finally wrote, "My flight gets in at 9:20 tonight. I can totes stop and see you". Five minutes later he wrote, "have a safe flight". Yeah. Nothing about "yes! come see me!" so I was super annoyed at him and felt so used. What a jerk.

So here's the kicker.

I bump into his best buddy at that same bar I met them both at a year ago. And he's closer to my age. A totally cute aging rocker. At least 50 and he's in a punk band, plays bass. He's truly awesome but i'm not attracted of course, we're just buddies. So we're drinking and hanging out and I start asking him about Rocker Boy. Now mind you, he's his BEST FRIEND. He totally rags on him. He said, "he does that. He writes tons of chicks on FB and gets their sympathy." I said that's totally fucked. He said "yep it is". I said how I totally liked him and told him what he said to me and how he flaked out on me. Jokingly, which is this guys' style, said, "(my name) if you mess around with him I will totally lose respect for you!" I said, "what???why???" he said how he uses women by getting their sympathy and then drops them. I told him what he said and all and he just shook his head like he already knew what I was going to say.  I said I'd had a crush on him for a year and just gave up bc I thought he was gay!" He laughed and said, "well, he won't go down on ya so that's all I know!" I was like whoa. Hmmm. So yeah, I got over Rocker Boy quick.

Sooooo not interested anymore.

And New Guy? He's in and out as usual. Flaked on me this week.

Back on Tinder looking for someone new. Tired of these flakes.

Found someone a decade older who's the spitting image of Mickey. He gave me his number and we're texting.

I'm smitten! I'll call him MickeyTwin.

Have a great week you sexy people.

Date with HH next week!!!

Hello my sexy readers! I've been away too long. Between recovering from my amazing cosmetic surgery, I've just been super busy getting back into the swing of things. My band has a big gig coming up, I'm traveling to DC next week, AND going back to California and I have a date with HH!! Yay!! I can't wait!! He confirmed he WILL meet me Thursday! Mmm that guy is delish. One of only 3 guys in my entire lifetime that have made me cum. And he's only 20 years old.

He'll be the first guy I've been with since Blondie dumped me for his new chick. I am so ready for some action! I feel super-confident with my new body and I'm ready to show it off!

I DID meet someone new yesterday! A very hot 19 year old I'll call Drew. He found me on OKCupid and since he said he didn't have a car (LOL) I drove to his work and picked him up! I had plans with my BFF's so I said let's just meet, I'll drive you home and if we like each other we can plan to get together another time. Since he can't drink, and can't drive himself to meet me anywhere, I just wanted to get the meeting over with. No sense planning something if there's no chemistry.

I was an hour and a half late, but let him know ahead of time I would be, and he said that was fine. He is a teacher! So I met him at the school he teaches at. He was hanging out at the park behind the school, and it was a super fucking hot and muggy day. By the time I got there, the poor guy was all sweaty, and I know he'd been up since 5 am, so I thought, give the guy a break. He needed a shower and probably brush his teeth LOL and here I was, freshly showered and shiny.

He was very cute. Skinny, dressed raelly cute, black skinny jeans and a short sleeved plaid button-down. He got in my car, and was smiling so big. I could tell he was really nervous. I forget to think about how it must feel to meet me--you know, a strange woman picks u up in a car and drives off!! I could be a serial killer for all he knows!! LOL

So we made small talk on the drive, it was super awkward. Imagine a first date that lasts 25 min. He was obviously smitten, and I wasn't sure. His teeth didn't look that white (sorry!! Certain things bug me!!) and he had a "man bun", which was cute. I thought about Blondie's man bun (which I hated tbh) but i knew it meant he had long hair and I love love love long hair on a cute guy!! So I imagined him all showered and shiny clean with his hair down. GRRRRR!!

So as we drove he told me he loves to read, and so do I. It was awkward but I was glad to just meet him and get it over with. It ended up he lies in a shitty area, reminded me of south central LA and fucking scary. I couldn't wait to get the hell back on the safety of the freeway.

He showed me where i could pull over and let him out. Maybe he didn't want me to know exactly where he lived!! I put said it was great to meet him, and he put his arm around me and started to kiss me. I don't know, I just wasn't feeling it! Call me shallow but I knew he needed a shower and a good tooth-brushing!! I could taste he was a smoker too, which sometimes turns me on and sometimes turns me off. This time it was a combination of both in the same kiss! LOL He was really going for it, and I was holding back. More than anything I was terrified of being attacked by some random black person at any moment. Seriously it reminded me of south central LA. I just wanted to get the hell out of there, and I was scared driving alone.

I decided he deserved a second chance! After all, he DID wait an hour and a half patiently to meet me and never complained about the heat. He writes me every morning, "Good morning beautiful" like Blondie used to, and it's just sooooo niceeeeee.

I did tell him his neighborhood was not the place for a girl like me and he agreed, so we are going to figure out a way to get together!

"F" is still very attentive, and is #26 on my FB "who views your profile" app. Blondie is way down at #166, BT it appears there's trouble in paradise between him and the new chick (possibly). She's been depressed and has posted things that my BFF has said looks like she's either been dumped or knows it's coming. Also, Blondie has announced he's getting things lined up to move to Colorado, so maybe he's not asking her to go with??? His profile pic is still the two of them all smiling and holding each other, so as far as I'm concerned, until he changes that profile pic, they are still very much together. But my BFF thinks he's just placating her for now. I guess time will tell.

TGIF and have a great sexy weekend everyone!!!!

Hubby fucks Asian girl

Hello lovely readers, its been awhile since I've written. Sadly, I haven't had much to write about. Blondie has moved on, and that's all I'm going to say about him bc I'm not sure if he reads this blog or not. I had told him about it months ago when we were still at the "friends" stage and had not yet met. Blondie, if you are reading this, well, I don't really need to say anything else. I think what I've already written about you says it all. I miss you terribly.

Deep breath.

In other news, my hubby had some fun a few weeks back, he fucked Ling-Ling! We had talked about it ad infinitum, and I originally had been totally okay with it bc I was seeing Blondie, and I couldn't care less at that time what he did. And then suddenly he had someone and I didn't, and I was getting those uneasy queasy feelings. I knew it would be shitty to put any kind of skid on his fun with her. I had no plans to do that. I had my fun, it was certainly his turn. He had a business trip out in LA where she lives, and had a free evening to see her. He made reservations at some swank bar and she met him there for drinks. Remember this wasn't their first date; they met a month or so ago and had a nice 3 hour date.

They had flirted before the date, she actually texted him, "drinks? Sex?" so he knew where the night was going to go. I was happy for him. I feel like he's earned it after all I've done, and after all we've talked and been through together.

Like I said, I assumed I'd be with Blondie on this particular evening, and when I realized I wasn't going to be, I needed to find some distraction. My friends were all busy. I have been writing new hotties, but didn't really like anyone enough to make a date tbh. There was one guy though I had stopped writing and thought, hmmm, he's hot enough, maybe I'll make the effort to meet him. He lived an hour away though, but I thought, what the hell else do I have to do, the drive would be good for me.

We made a date to meet at a cute bar halfway between us so neither of us would need to drive too far.

Then he cancelled. I knew it was an excuse. This happens a lot to me.

So I frantically started writing other hot boys trying to find someone to go out with me!! And there was one 18 year old that has been after me, well, he's been 17 and I refused to talk to him till he turned 18 and he finally did, so I finally wrote him "hey" and we agreed to meet.

He too cancelled. An excuse.

I thought, 'the universe is trying to tell me to handle this alone. Pay attention to your feelings. A distraction is not what you need tonight. You need to feel whatever you're going to feel."

So I got myself all dressed up and went to my favorite bar that over looks a beautiful lake. It's pretty casual and we frequent this bar so the staff would probably be nice to me and not treat me like the loser I felt like.

I went in and sat down and the bartender, an older gentleman who is very professional, was very nice to me as I needed him to be. I felt very awkward and was feeling better once the pinot I was drinking started to take effect. The bar was busy; there was a woman about my age next to me and I could see her giving me the stinkeye. Why is it women are so mean to each other???! Can't a perfectly nice woman go to a bar and eat alone for Christ's sake??!!

There were a few men to my left, one who was very drunk and very chatty with me. He was actually quite interesting: a physics guy who, he said, has "really, really, really, really, really, really, really" (add about 10 more "really's") " a lot of money." I nodded and chuckled, "That's awesome!!!! Good for you!!" It's fun talking to drunk people.

And I was becoming one of them, and what little filter I usually have was going away. I decided to kill the woman next to me with kindness and struck up a convo with her. By the time she left she was not only pleasant to me but I would say she would say I inspired her to be the best person she could be. I have that effect on people. I read them so well and reflect back what they want to hear about themselves.

What she didn't know was, while I was making myself out to be this lonely wife who's husband was out of town on business and who's kids were busy with their friends, my husband was on a date with another woman, and was going to fuck her. Yeah. Couldn't really talk about that.

I stopped at 2 glasses of wine, had a nice dinner, and went home. Unfortunately, it was only 9 pm my time, which was only 7 pm California time, and she hadn't even shown up yet. She was an hour late for her date with my husband.

I still had the whole evening left. And theirs hadn't even begun. How was I going to get through it????!!

I decided to listen to the universe. I went home and put on my jammies. By then my daughter was home, and I made us a big bowl of popcorn and we watched tv together. We laughed and talked and it was awesome.

Bedtime was harder.

My husband was good about texting me during their date. He was great about texting me as things were happening to make sure I was doing okay, and he was willing to stop at any point if I wasn't. It went from, "she's still not here" to "she's here and she says hi!" to "we are going back to her place, are you ok with that?" to "we stopped making out so I could text you and see if you're still okay".

I WAS okay. I wanted him to have his fun. I certainly had mine. And I was happy for him.

Until.....he stopped responding to my texts around 2 am.

The last I had heard from him was "we are done. Can I sleep a little? I don't want to drive back to my hotel yet." I answered, "yes".

See, what I haven't told you is I wasn't going to give him any rules, but to me, sleeping together seemed to intimate. I never spent the whole night with Blondie, even though I wanted to, out of respect for my husband. It was like, I had my fun, now go home. And my husband said he wasn't going to spend the night with her. His whole plan to go to her place instead of his was precisely for this reason. He even verbalized it--he'd told me earlier in the evening, "I don't want her to come to my hotel! What if she falls asleep?? How will I get rid of her??!!" and thusly that's why he decided to go to HER place instead. So he would have HIS car and be able to leave after.

I need to interject that this was the VERY FIRST TIME  since his infidelity he was going to be having sex with another woman with my knowledge. He needed to 'do it right by me". (oh, and the sex with the call girl a few weeks ago??? NO. I did not know about that till after the fact). This was murky waters he was treading in.

And 10 texts later, of which each of them was increasingly angrier than the one preceding it, he finally wrote back. Nearly 6 hours later. He had simply fallen asleep.

I was irate. It was the worst nights' sleep I'd had since finding out about his cheating. I was a total wreck. How dare he spend the night with her??!! How dare he ignore my texts for 6 hours??! I didn't know how I was going to get through the day. He was due to fly home and I didn't even want to see his face.

He wrote, 'just woke up. I'll call you in 5'.

It was just shy of 6 am California time. The last I'd heard from him was midnight his time.

My heart was pounding out of my chest. He called and profusely apologized. He said they didn't fuck again, nothing happened, he just slept. I was so angry. I said, "I've been sleeping with you for 26 years. You DON'T sleep 6 hours straight. Something always wakes you at least once and you look at your phone and go to the bathroom or something."

It got ugly. We fought via text all day, and when he got home it wasn't much better. Basically, he wanted me to give him the benefit of the doubt ("maybe he's just asleep? I'll find out tomorrow") which I was unable to do.

And I realized that if I had been with Blondie, I would've reacted totally differently. So for me, the experience was, I felt rejected and abandoned by both men. I couldn't yell at Blondie, but I could yell at my husband.

He admitted he was wrong. He shouldn't have fallen asleep. He should've gotten up and left like he said he was going to do. He truly thought he would "nap", and not a 6 hour nap.

And it's gotten me thinking in these last few weeks since he was with her, that I have been okay with it. REALLY ok with him seeing her. And i know they're texting. After all, that's what I do, right??!! Selfishly, it's been nice knowing he was still being faithful to me and not fucking any other girl. But this girl might be the reason I'm okay with it. I met her. She's sweet. She's super rich, single, 50, and not trying to steal him.

In other words, my husband can be happily married to me and still fuck someone else. And have a good time with her.

And I can do the same.

It works for us.

We just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary with an expensive dinner, and he gave me diamonds.

Because he feels free and loved in this marriage. We don't own each other.

:))

Abercrombie boy comes back!

Tuesday mornings are my favorites, because I don't have a single thing on my schedule. I usually just have breakfast and go to the gym and run errands.

Today was completely different.

"Abercrombie" texted me and said he wanted to come by after his class.

Now you may remember right here http://weswing-naughtyanna.blogspot.com/2015/09/hotel-room-fun.html I got a hotel room and fucked him and he took a bunch of pictures of me. He was the hottest guy I'd ever been with and nicknamed him "Abercrombie" because he looks like he could be one of their models.

I was having my coffee and grapefruit when that familiar chime rang on my cell.

It was HIM!!! ABERCROMBIE!!

He was in class and wanted to come over after!

I said, "that would be hot".

He was here 20 minutes later. I didn't have enough time to get gussied up. I took a quick shower and slapped on some foundation and ran the flat iron through my hair.

And then he was here.

He was so much nicer and sweeter than that night in the hotel room, where I felt he was kind of a jerk. This time he seemed so much more into me, calmer and unhurried, direct eye contact constantly. He was so complimentary too. He said I "didn't need any time to get ready" because I was already beautiful! That was all I needed to hear.

When he came in, he was at ease and smiling. My dog came and approved right away LOL and he was sweet to my dog. We said our hi's and I made the first move and gave him a quick kiss and a hug. I did say something to him about being surprised to hear from him.

I said something about how I wasn't sure if he was going to come or not (given that he stood me up last time) and he said, "Oh, I got in trouble alcohol-wise, I'll tell you about that" so, it wasn't me!!! I just wonder why these guys can't just fucking text the next day (or that morning, or that evening) "hey blah blah blah happened I'm really sorry. Give me another chance?" He must've known I was the forgiving type, or just thought, "wtf might as well try her", and he did, and he struck gold.

He kind of hung his head ashamedly as he spoke, and I softened. As I led him up the stairs, he spanked me and I giggled. Despite having only had 15 minutes to get ready, I felt confident and excited to see him. His texts had really caught me completely off-guard. I had all but forgotten him.

When we got to my bedroom, he sat on the edge bed and waited for me to make the first move. He just stared at me through these cute dorky glasses I hadn't seen him wear before. He never took them off! Guess he wanted to see well :)

I started kissing him and unbuttoned his button-down shirt at the same time, while kissing him. I undid the last button and opened it up to reveal that rock-hard body of his. So fucking gorgeous. He pulled himself out of the sleeves as I pulled down his sweatpants. Such a cute college boy. Did I tell you he's only 20????!!!

All that was left was his boxers, Hanes stretchy, dark blue, with his totally hard, erect penis poking through. I could see how excited he was; the pre-cum had soaked through. It was so exciting. I couldn't wait to let it out but I love the build-up. I lightly scratched him with my fingernails up and down his body, admiring my Abercrombie boy. As his cock throbbed for my touch inside his boxers, I smiled at him and as he stared at me, I touched him all over, admiring his muscles. I told him I was "drinking him up" he was so delicious. I remembered how fast he had cum that night and knew once we got going it would be all over, and I didn't want it to be.

He was laid back on my bed, sort of a half-sitting up position, with his legs spread wide open for me. Nice big balls, nice nice nice big erect penis, his handsome face staring at me, his arms behind his head just totally vulnerable to me. I wanted a picture so badly and asked him if i could take one. He shook his head no, and I asked him what he did with the pics he took of me. He said they were "snaps" (Snapchat) and they were gone. I said okay, good, alright, hoping he was telling the truth.

I love the anticipation of seeing a guys' cock, and I like to delay that moment as long as possible. I loved how badly he wanted me. I began by kissing him, then kissing his neck and biting it gently (reassuring him I wouldn't leave marks), then worked my way over his chest, his nipples, his torso, his six-pack abs. Yes, just like "F", he's got a six-pack. I licked them and sucked and kissed his tummy and made my way down the "V" (yes, he's even got a "V") and when I got to the elastic of his boxers, slowly turned it down and let that huge cock out. I slid them off him (he helped) and I began by licking the inside of his thighs and up and around his balls, taking them in my mouth.

He squirmed and moaned, lightly rubbing my arms while I gave him a nice BJ. He told me at one point how good I was at "giving head". I answered that I was good at things I enjoyed doing ;) I loved to stop and just admire this perfect specimen of a man. At one point, I was caressing him, and said, "nice quads!!!" and he giggled and said, "thank you!" I'm sure all the girls go gaga over his abs but leave it to me to be different and compliment him on his thighs hehehe He hasn't an ounce of fat on his body. He is YUMMY.

He said if I kept it up he was going to cum, so I stopped and smiled and he asked where the condom was (we had discussed it earlier--I said I had some). I reached over to my nightstand, where I'd taken out two and had set them on top. I grabbed them both, tore them apart and proceeded to tear one open and I placed it on the tip of his penis. I said I wasn't sure if I was doing it right LOL and he said "oops, it's backwards" and helped me put in on him. AGAIN, SUPER HOT. I love it when a guy touches his own penis. Mmmmmm.

Soon as it was on, he lifted me up onto it and I started fucking him. Mmmmm. I loved the look of ecstasy on his face. He watched me fuck him and he said, "you have great tits". I thanked him and pushed them in his face for his to suck on them, which he did.

It seemed he was letting me call all the shots and I really love a guy to take control, so I said, "I love being told what to do.....I follow direction well", and he responded by telling me to "get on your knees, doggy-style", so that's what I did. I pulled him out of me by lifting myself off him and doing as he told me. He got behind me, grabbed me by my hips, and thrust that big cock into my vagina and fucked me hard. It felt hard and good and I was the one moaning by this time and all of a sudden he pulled out and said he'd cum.

He got up and stood there with the cum inside the condom, looking so sexy and vulnerable. He held it in his hand and of course, I was still so turned on. I wanted him to stay but he didn't offer and I wasn't going to say anything to be rejected. He took it off and I took it from him and flushed it. We got dressed together, chatting about what he's studying in college, and it was really nice. I felt good with him. I loved the way he was so nice to me, not dismissive like he'd been that night.  So calm and centered, so sweet and comfortable being with me. I felt like it was the beginning of an ongoing thing.

We chatted all the way downstairs, and walked to the front door. He said something about how "close I live" and that "Tuesdays are good for him", so that made me feel good. We kissed and hugged and said our goodbyes, and he walked out the front door.

Mmmmm I can still smell him on my hands.

I think I need to go finish myself off now.

Craig'slist jackpot!!!!

A couple of weeks ago, just for fun, my hubby posted an ad through the Craigslist ads "casual encounters" and without a pic of me, he had over 100 responses in his inbox. He gave me his phone and I scrolled through the emails responses, and it was truly amazing. I began to delete any emails that didn't have a face pic, and deleted the ones I wasn't attracted to. By bedtime, I'd say there were close to 300 emails, and they just kept coming. I was having so much fun reading them! Girls, you should do this even if you have NO intention of meeting anyone!!! It is SO good for the ego!!!

So, it boiled down to three guys who I wanted to meet. The first I mentioned (I think) a few posts ago; a 25-year old whom I went to meet him at his work and I just wasn't attracted to him. That was a case of a really good pic that didn't really look like him anymore. He had long, sexy brown hair in the pic, shirtless, looked SO much like "F" I was so excited to meet him. He actually resembled Freddie Mercury more. I love Freddie Mercury and would've def slept with him (gay or not) but this guy just didn't do it for me.

The second guy who calls himself "Sammy" (NOT his real name) is a 24 year-old long, blonde-haired model that lives near me. We have been Snapchatting back and forth but every time I try to see him he has some excuse. 

The third guy I'll call "Kris", and we've been texting back and forth since I got his email. I think he said he was 29, I don't remember actually, but he had 2 pics and he looked the same in both, tall, thin, black hair and blue eyes. Very very good looking. His texts were really like none other I've ever had with these young guys. He actually didn't WANT me to send him sexy pics! He said it was "too soon" and that for him, if a girl starts sending those right away he loses interest! I thought, WOW. THIS GUY IS DIFFERENT. When we'd suggest seeing each other, and our schedules weren't working out, he would respond immediately. He wasn't playing games. It was soooo refreshing!!! So......Friday night, hubby and I were out and decided it would be fun for me to see if he was available. HE WAS.

So we finished our drinks, and my hubby dropped me off in front of his luxury condo. He lived on the 10th floor overlooking the city and the lake, and it was gorgeous. It was raining lightly, and the streets were pretty empty for a Friday night. My hubby parked and went to a bar right across the street, and I pushed the security number "Kris" gave me to enter his building. I went in, and texted him I was at the elevator. When the doors opened, he peeked his head out of his door, and I smiled and we both shyly said "Hi!"This was a new experience for me, going to a guy's house!!!! I mean, yes, I have done it before, but only once, and that was that cute guy who lives an hour away. That was hot yes.....

So I went in, and it was a nice, bachelor-ly looking guys apartment. Black leather furniture, big screen-TV, and a cascade of magazines on a glass table arranged as if it were a doctor's office. Nice touch. Who keeps their magazines like that? I was impressed.  He asked if I'd like something to drink, and I said sure. I asked what he was drinking, and he said, "vodka 7-up" and I said perfect! Then we sat on the half-circular black leather couch and chatted, getting to know one another. I had set my phone alarm to a half-hour to make sure I remembered to text my hubby and let him know I was safe and fine. It hadn't gone off yet when my phone rang; my hubby was concerned as I looked at the time and it was 2 minutes from my alarm going off. It had been almost a half hour! I apologized and said we were just talking. I couldn't say it aloud, but I wasn't sure I was attracted enough to have sex with him. I was sizing him up.

He looked a bit differently in person than the pics, and that's always the danger of meeting someone vs falling for them in 2D format. He was tall, he was somewhat thin, and did have black hair. I think his eyes were brown, and he was a little fluffy. But he was so sweet, and I felt all warm and fuzzy about him from all the texting we had done, and how differently he'd been treating me from all those stupid 20 year olds. And I had been stood up just two days prior, and my ego needed some massaging. As we were talking, I started to get turned on and decided to get things going. I knew my hubby was across the street waiting for me. 

I suddenly just stood up and went and straddled his lap and sat on him, and started kissing him. He was happy and responded. He had really full lips and he was a good kisser. I lifted his t-shirt off him and I was a little disappointed he didn't have rock-hard abs like the Abercrombie guy from Wednesday, but it was okay. I wanted to see his cock.

As we kissed and groped, I was getting very turned on. He slid my panties off and then undid my bra. Next he slid his pants off. This is my favorite part!!! It's like Christmas!!! Ooooooo the unzipping of the pants and letting the penis out. Oh. My. God. It's like unwrapping the last gift behind the tree, the one you really wanted that was first on your list. Mmmmmm and he didn't disappoint. It was big and hard almost fully erect and I wanted to get right to fucking. I pulled my dress off over my head and I took that thing in my mouth and started sucking on it. He slid my panties off and undid my bra, and except for my stilettos, we were both now naked. I was tipsy and giddy and having fun, and next thing I remember, he led me by the hand into his bedroom.

The lighting was perfectly dark, and his bed was soft and cozy. I think the first thing he did was put his head between my legs. Damn was it nice to have a guy know what the fuck he's doing down there, and stay down there longer than five seconds!!! I just knew he was going to be good. What a difference being with someone who truly was ravishing me for MY enjoyment as much as for theirs!! After I went down on him next, he reached for a condom.

We fucked in every position I can think of. We just kept going at it, flipping over on his back, riding him on top, sideways, you name it. Then finally he instructed me to bend over. Ooooooo I love being told what to do, so I obeyed. He gently grabbed my hair and held it, and rammed his cock into me and fucked me hard and came inside me. It was so delicious.

Afterwards, we laid there together, it was really nice. I reached for my phone right away to let my hubby know we were done, and that I'd be ready for him to pick me up soon. We didn't lay there long, because I wanted to get back to my hubby. I knew he had a big hard-on for me and wanted to fuck me.

Soon I was dressed, and ready to go. I was smiling and happy and felt like a queen instead of a two-bit hooker. We kissed goodbye and I walked out to the elevator.

I saw my husband's car pull up right then, perfect timing! I got in and we made out, and headed home. He couldn't wait to hear details, and went right down on me and licked me till I came. Then like a hungry wolf, he pulled up my dress and ripped off my panties and fucked me hard.

Oh, and Kris's age?

THIRTY.

Fuck the younger ones. I'm going older!

Oh, and lastly, he texted me THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

YEAH.

Rough month

SO much has been going on I haven't had a chance to get y'all caught up. I guess I'll get the bad stuff out of the way.....my beloved mother passed away two weeks ago. I jumped on the very first plane out because my brother called me and said she'd slipped into a coma and for me to get there ASAP. I spent 4 days with her and my family at her bedside and she passed away a few hours after we went home for the evening (doctors had said she could go at any minute or it could be weeks). We did a lot of sobbing and talking while I was there and now I'm pretty much in zombie-mode, just keeping busy so I don't fall apart. I will write about her when I am ready. For now, I just want to keep busy.

And part of keeping busy is keeping the hot boys coming. Or should I say "cumming"??? LOL

You have to excuse me; what I've been through these last few weeks have made me  cynical, angry, and more hedonistic than ever. Life is short. I know where we are all headed. I am planning on having as much fun as possible and denying pleasure doesn't make sense to me.

My hubby and I decided to get an OkCupid account, and what fun we are having! We are both logged in on our phones, so anytime someone writes we both get notifications. The profile pic is just me but it's a couples' profile so everyone knows we are together. I have gotten some amazing guys writing me, and i've exchanged phone numbers with a couple. One is 21 with a kid (he's amazing, I really like talking to him) and another is 20 and quite a hottie too. I've been trying to make dates with them and it's so funny how intimidated these young guys are. My hubby just wants to shake them and say, "She's REAL! And she's really nice! Stop worrying!!"

Oh, and btw in case you're wondering, "Jay" has gone AWOL. What an ass. We Skyped when I got back from my trip and he was all gaga over me as usual, but when it comes time to actually get together, he stops texting. I'm SO done with him. I last sent him a sexy pic of me over the weekend and he didn't ever respond. FUCK HIM. And for the record, FUCK MICKEY TOO. We texted while I was in California and my BFF and I went out and I got drunk two days after my mom passed away. I guess I said too much to Mickey and he freaked out. I haven't heard from him since.

What did I say to him you might be wondering? Well, he baited me. He said, "Why are you still so into me when we hardly ever see each other." I should've just said, 'Cuz you're fucking hot" but NOOOOOO the Grey Goose Citron answered, "Cuz you're into me too. You always come back to me. Two years I don't hear from you. Your GF breaks up with you and you run back to me. You always run back to me." And that made him run away from me. I had to laugh. Whatever. I don't really care. He's changed; he's started working out big time and I actually don't like the way he looks anymore! LOL He went from skinny hot rocker boy with all the tats and piercings to big bodybuilder guy. He looks too much like my son now. Ew. Combine that with his arrogance and I'm really not attracted to him anymore. It's just the connection we USED to have. I thought for a long time he really loved me, just didn't know how to express it, but now the way he's been talking lately I feel like WTF why do YOU bother texting ME?? I don't have the energy to give a shit about Jay or Mickey anymore. I really don't. 

There's nothing like losing your mom to feel that bitch-slap up the side of the head that some people just aren't worth your time.

If either of these two new hotties pan out, I'll give them names and keep you updated. For now, we are just flirting like crazy and it is fun, but I get tired of all the of it and then it doesn't lead anywhere. I"m not getting any cuter or younger and I'm annoyed that guys who say they want hot sex with a willing girl really don't want hot sex with a willing girl. I don't know what they want! But I'm real and I'm here and I don't play games. I think guys just don't know how to handle me. They're so used to bitches and drama queens. It's pathetic. 

OH, and yeah, trying to get a girl to join us too to keep hubby happy. How do I feel about it? No different than I ever did, but trying to get over it. I'm numb now and don't really feel much of anything right now, my heart is broken over losing my mom. Sex is just pleasure of the flesh. If someone wants my heart they are going to have to work pretty fucking hard to get it, but it's turned to ice for now.  Oh, and Allen has been a sweetheart through all of this, texting me every few days, asking me how I'm doing. Mickey?? The only thing is said was, "Noooooo! I'm so sorry!" when I told him about my mom, and then the conversation I mentioned earlier. I'm planning on a little fun with my Allen. And did I forget to mention he's looking better than ever??? MMMM sent me new selfies. Yum yum yum. Did I tell you he's a dead ringer for actor Charlie Hunnam from "Sons of Anarchy"? Yes he is! I even sent him pics of the guy to him and he was like, "damn it's like looking in a mirror!!" So you can see why I'm hooked on him!

I'll keep you posted. Have a good week and happy hump day everyone!

Oh MIckey, you're so fine you blow my mind

Hello all you sexy peeps how have you all been? I haven't forgotten about you! No, no, no, not at all. Just because we aren't actively swinging right now doesn't mean all is boring here. Mickey popped up out of the woodwork again last night after a long hiatus, which is Mickey's MO. Last I heard from him was that two-word response Jan 31st: "happy new year." That was it. So lo and behold how nice it was last night, I got to the gym for my tennis league and I was putting my things in my locker. I had my phone out still and BOOM there it is, his name with the sexy lip emoticon next to it, and the message, "hey, it's Mickey." I smiled a huge smile, staring at his words, and put my phone in my locker and shut the door and went to tennis. I wasn't sure how to respond; I always pick and choose my words to him so carefully. I just decided to go play tennis and think about it.  When I did finally write him back an hour and a half later, I texted what I would normally say: "hey sexy man how are you?" And it took him another hour and a half to write ME back.

As they say, let the games begin.

We chatted back and forth, and as usual, he says very little. He throws me crumbs, and I gobble them up like a hungry pigeon. He just said he was in Washington visiting his mom "tonight". My brain heard "Washington" and of course thanks to my stalking of him my brain lit up immediately and it registered "Washington" as meaning, "trying to get that girl back that just dumped me." Yes, I'm smarter than he knows. But the point here is my friends, he ALWAYS comes back to me. ALWAYS. 

I wish I knew what he wanted. I really don't know. Am I just an ego-booster to him? Just someone to pass the time with till something better comes along, or does he really care about me? I have no idea. I do know that I don't NEED his crumbs anymore. Oh, I like them very much indeed, but I don't NEED them the way I did. I don't keep checking my phone to see if he's texted, or over think "why isn't he texting?" I don't really care. They're nice when they come and I don't really think too much beyond that. It feels so much less constricting. 

So anyways, we chatted a little, I always say too much. He told me he was looking for a new job (so what else is new?) and that he will be helping a friend move at the end of March--back to the city in California where we both lived! And ironically, I am going to California to see my mom this month too!!! My little heart started fluttering, just thinking about seeing him in two weeks. It's been over 3 years since we've seen each other. Of course, he back-pedaled and said he wasn't sure what his plans were "exactly" and that it "isn't up to me" because he's helping his friend move and that he was pretty sure they were going the last week in March. I'm going next weekend. He could change his plans if he really wanted to see me. It's that simple. I'm not stupid. Well, yes I am, because I'm always the one pulling him to change. He didn't offer, "WOW well let me see what I can do, I'd love to see you! Maybe he'd be willing to go two weeks earlier!!!" No, he did not. I will keep telling myself that.

Aside from Mr. Mickey, I am doing GREAT! LIfe is sweet these days. Hubby and I are doing very very well. I was able to fully forgive him and he is just amazing. Yes of course I will still always have the trauma, and the triggers, and of course the marriage will never be innocent again. The damage is done, and he has to live with what he's done to me FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. ON HIS DEATHBED HE WILL HAVE REGRETS. 

BUT--having said that, he is a changed man. I have changed too; I am much wiser now and much, much stronger. Having been able to truly forgive him has made such a huge difference. I did it for ME. I was having a really bad December; November wasn't much better. I was having so much trouble with certain things he did (like bringing his whore here to meet my children, have sex with me, yeah, was having real trouble with that) and I was getting to the point where I thought, I either need to forgive him or leave him. 

I still go to therapy every other week, and I'd been working on forgiveness. But like converting to a new religion, it just wasn't happening to me. I just wasn't feeling it. And the harder I tried, the more elusive it became. I started obsessing again, using my fake Facebook profile to stalk her. Hours wasted reading and re-reading her stupid profile for signs of her commenting on our life. Of course there was none. She's just the same old bitch she always was, only I was too trusting and naive to see it. 

What finally pushed me over the edge is something I still haven't told my hubby about. I Googled her one day, and the very first thing that comes up is a website outing cheaters! I didn't remember doing so, but I had outed her publicly, full birth name and all, and told the world in print what a sociopathic scumbag she really was. I began to shake when I saw that she'd responded with a fake name that she was "single" (as if it made that any more honorable??? See what I mean????) and that my husband wouldn't have cheated if I'd "given him something to come home to." Nice. 

I began to shake uncontrollably and thought I was going to pass out. I had to get up and walk around the house and calm myself down. I was so angry. I had no one to lash out at. I decided to email the webhost and ask them to remove it. I did, and then did some more research and found out the only way to have it removed was to hire a lawyer and pay about $400-500 to have it removed. I began to really panic. It didn't specify when she'd commented. It couldn't been two years ago (when I wrote it) or recently. I had no idea. I still don't. And I thought, I'll be the better person. I'll hire a lawyer and remove it.

Only I don't have $500. And WTF she deserves it. SHE can pay the $500 to get her "good name" back. HAHHAHAHAH And after a few days when this epiphany came to me I felt much better. I felt like I got the last word. She may have insulted me, but anyone reading that would agree that she proved she truly is a sociopath to blame it on the wife. Nice try bitch.

So anyways, that derailed me quite a bit. I had so much unresolved anger, and I was really getting to a boiling point with it. And it was something I heard on a podcast (I listen to LOTS of podcasts while I'm driving. I love psychology and listen to podcasts about infidelity, forgiveness, and personality disorders). I came upon one that resonated with me in a big way--the speaker said, "forgiveness is giving mercy to someone who doesn't deserve it." This was the first time I'd heard something like that. Everything I'd heard and read about forgiveness always talked about how you "do it for YOU! YOU'LL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! ANGER IS POISON!!"  and always wrapped up in a tidy little bow that made it sound so easy to do and so WTF is wrong with me that I just couldn't forgive?????

That sentence stuck with me. If I could forgive someone who DIDN'T deserve to be forgiven, how about someone who DID? Namely, my husband??? And it kind of started to settle in. I saw how hard he was trying, and how much he loved me. How when I asked him the hard question, "HOW COULD YOU DO THOSE THINGS TO ME???" he honestly had no answer, other than, "the guy sitting here with you right now cannot believe that I did those things, and I could never do them now, ever again."

I just spent a few days being introspective about it all, and I was actually standing in front of my mirror, putting on makeup, thinking about it all, and I burst into tears and screamed, "I FORGIVE HIM! I FORGIVE HIM!!" and just sobbed a happy sob. It happened. It finally happened. Like "feeling Jesus" in church, I "felt forgiveness" in my heart. As if Cupid struck me with a bow and injected me suddenly with a forgiveness serum. Snap your fingers with me here, cuz that's how it happened.

I texted my husband "I have to talk to you tonight! It's good!" and when I finally got the chance to tell him, he was sobbing with shame and gratitude. And from that night on, things have been so much better. In forgiving him, I was able to release the build-up inside of me. I have been living backwards for the last 2 years. I was dying inside. I was sick of living backwards, ruminating constantly about the last 16 years of my life that was not what I thought it was. I had to figure out how to live in the present. My present was ruined by what he did in my past, and robbed me of choices I'd have made differently if I'd known the truth. But I had to come to an acceptance that what's done is done, and I can't go back. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Accept it. Part of me still fights it. But I'm using that fight now to make the years I have left better.

So, the whole open marriage thing is tabled for now. I know Mickey won't change his schedule and if he did would I go see him? Yes I would. In a heartbeat. I know my hubby wouldn't want it any other way. He knows what he means to me. 

But what about hubby seeing other women? Sorry, he had his fun. He knows this too. I have told him I don't know if I'll ever be ok with it again. EVER. He can walk if he really wants other women. And aside from Mickey, I'm not interested in anyone else (not even Allen really. He texts me from time to time but I haven't made any effort to see him, nor has he). I have really grown. I don't need young guys to be interested in me anymore to feel good about myself. My kids are growing up and I'm not wishing I was younger anymore. I am what I am. It feels awesome.

On that note, I am obsessed with monogamy vs. non-monogamy. I'll continue to write about it here and I love hearing from you all about it. I have even convinced my therapist that open marriages CAN succeed. I have taught him a lot about it. But I do realize that a lot of us are having sex without really thinking about each other's well-being or our own. We drink to let ourselves get jiggy and then when we've sober we wonder WTF happened. We have to really know ourselves and not let alcohol talk us into doing things we wouldn't do sober. That was me, that was my hubby. How many of you drink to loosen up and let yourself be more sexual? Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily, unless you do it the way I did.

My alcohol-addled brain didn't question why my husband brought this whore into my house. When I asked him how he knew her, I accepted his answer. I didn't question him enough. I accepted everything he said, and everything she said and just went along to get along. That girl is so gone now. Not drinking anymore has brought me so much more peace and vigilance. I miss wine,  I miss having fun and going out, and this new boring me is well, boring, but I feel like I'm taking care of me better. 

Hubby is sober now too. I know it won't last for both of us; we have agreed to go "a month" but I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to keep it up. We never fight when we're sober. Only when we've been drinking. I hate how it messes with my mind. We have made a LOT of progress, but we had a huge fight a few weekends ago when out at a bar (of course) we were getting blasted, having a fun time with friends, and he casually points out this young thing as being "hot" and "such a good dancer." Well, for me, the night was over and I wanted to go. So we did and I let him have it. For me (once again, snap your fingers) that quick I was back to square one. I screamed at him, "If I wasn't there, just like in MInnesota when I wasn't there, you'd take her back to your apartment and fuck her." It was a horrible fight.

I said, "Why did you feel the need to tell me that? Was it to caution me that you might act on it and I needed to know?" He said no of course not. He thought, "you point out hot guys all the time and so that's all I was doing." I said, "Yeah and you get turned on when I do that. I do NOT get turned on when you find someone else attractive. And she's half your age, and a skank on top of it. Don't you have any taste??? Jeez you're attracted to a "4" then what am I? Guess that makes ME a "4" too." I said, 'Obviously, you have a "type", and it's the whore. That's really hard to deal with."

It was ugly. We couldn't settle it and had an emergency appointment with our couple's therapist. She told him, "that's called 'being an asshole". He was shocked. She said, "You're not in an open marriage anymore. You don't point out other women to her anymore. That's called being an asshole. Keep it to yourself. She's not ready to hear it." He thought he was "just being honest". I discussed it with my therapist too and he gave him some kudos for his honesty, but that he needs to learn how to behave in a monogamist marriage.

So that's where we're at right now. We are somewhere in between monogamist and non-monogamist. It's confusing, and so for now, it's best we stay sober so we don't lose our inhibitions in public. Friday nights are boring now, but I'll take boring. We go to the gym now instead of boozing it up at our local watering hole making jerks of ourselves. Or we go to a movie, or we go to a coffee house and play a board game. It's a little boring, but the more we do it, the more I like it.

From one extreme to the other. We will land somewhere in between eventually.

Thanks for reading this far. I know I've rambled. I had a long to say LOL (don't I always?)

Have a great weekend sexy peeps!!

Love always,
Anna XO

The new year so far

Hello all you sexy peeps out there, what's up?? It's been like what, six months since I've posted on here??? WOW well not much to report I'm sad to say. With dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, we had to abandon our other sexual partners.

HOWEVER.....

I still have my boyfriend Allen, on the back burner. He texts me from time to time, and it's always wonderful hearing from him. He's been busy improving his looks! He sent me a selfie, and ooh-la-la, what an improvement! He got rid of those god-awful yellow-tinted glasses and got contacts! And he got a decent haircut. I told him he looks just like that hot guy in "Sons of Anarchy", "Jax" (played by Charlie Hunnam). Check him out. That's my Allen. Fucking smoking hot. With the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen on a guy. And he's happy waiting for me. I told you, he doesn't have the biggest sexual appetite for someone so young. He's only 27! And he isn't dating anyone else. He just works, takes care of his younger brother and mom, bought a brand-new truck, and hangs out with his work buddies on the weekends. He's perfectly happy waiting for me. I think that's crazy.
But I know his personality, and I believe him. He's pretty introverted for someone so good-looking, and he's got that tough exterior, just like the actor on the show, and keeps everyone at arm's distance. And he's an auto mechanic, so the chances of meeting hot girls doesn't really happen I guess. I don't know. It wouldn't bother me a bit if he was dating someone else. In fact, it kind of bothers me that he doesn't, because I wish he was more sexual.

And Mickey is AWOL again. And I'm happy to say I don't really care anymore. I've been through SO much with my husband, he's just becoming an annoying little pest. Like a mosquito that you can't quite see but hear it buzzing around your ear when you're trying to sleep. You swat at it but it only goes away for a few minutes and just as you get comfortable, it's back. That's Mickey. 

The last time I heard from him was a three-word response from a text I'd sent him. I wished him a happy new year, and sure enough, immediately, the response text came, "Happy new year." That was it. December 31st. Haven't heard from him since. I sent him pics that night of me, selfies I thought I looked sexy and youngish in, told him I missed him and wished we were together on New Year's Eve and all, and NOTHING. NOTHING BUT CRICKETS. CHIRP CHIRP.

Then my birthday came and went, and I creeped on his Facebook (of which I am NOT a "friend" mind you) and there's this hot young girl who lives in Ohio (he's in Oregon remember??) and ON MY BIRTHDAY he commented on a pic of hers how much he "loves your hair" complete with a smily face emoticon.

That did it for me.

What an asshole. I've known him almost 10 years, and he forgot my birthday. Instead of wishing me a happy birthday, he's telling another girl how much he loves her hair. Well, you know what? Fuck you Mickey. I don't need you to tell me you love MY hair anymore. That's the best part of dealing with this shit with my husband. I am SO over needing a young guy to make me feel young and sexy anymore. I'm embracing who I am. I'm not trying to be younger anymore, just happy being the best I can be at where I'm at right now.

That doesn't mean I've let myself go. No, not at all. I'm still at the gym most days, between tennis and boxing and running, and swimming 2 miles. I'm in great shape. My life is going well. 

About two weeks ago, I had a deep, spiritual moment that caught me completely off-guard. I'd been dealing with my H and my issues surrounding all the lies and deceit and it had really been coming to a boiling point. I knew that I couldn't live the way I was living anymore, and I had to either choose to walk away, or re-commit to him in the way of forgiveness. I couldn't live another looking over my shoulder 24/7. Googling the whore and fearing her return. She was alive and well in every pore of my body 24/7. She occupied more space in my heart, brain and body than she deserved. I was miserable.

What pushed me over the edge was seeing something online that I'd completely forgotten about. Right after D-day (obviously) I had posted something very nasty (but 100% true) about her on a cheater's website. It's the kind of website where you post the name of someone who's betrayed you and publicly humiliate them. I'm not proud to say I did that, because first of all, it's irrevocable. It will be there forever, unless I'm willing to pay $500 to have her name removed. WHICH I AM NOT. LET THAT BE CLEAR. However, SHE can pay $500 to clear her name hahahha which she may do if she so chooses.

Was that wrong of me? Well, I didn't realize that it would be there forever. In my hour of extreme pain and desire for revenge, I vented. I wanted to hurt her just a fraction of how much she hurt me. And you know what??? Now I don't regret it one fucking bit nor do I feel much more than a tiny shoestring of guilt. Do you know why??? SHE COMMENTED BACK ON MY POSTING WITH A FAKE NAME, AND OUTED ME AND MY HUSBAND RIGHT BACK. Without our last names though thankfully, which I can only surmise she wasn't allowed to given the constrictions of the website. Only the original poster can do that. 

AND GUESS WHAT SHE SAID?? NOT "I'M SO SORRY, YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT.' Or anything remotely close to that. SHE SAID THAT IT WAS MY FAULT; I SHOULD'VE GIVEN MY HUSBAND SOMETHING TO COME HOME TO. And in her second posting (under her false name) she added, "AND DON'T FORGET I WAS SINGLE." Like that makes it better???!!!!

I literally began to shake when I read this. I almost passed out with anger and fear. When I calmed down, I realized that I don't know when she wrote that. I could've been immediately after I wrote what I did, and possibly, like me, she doesn't even remember it's out there. But even so, it proves that she has absolutely no remorse or regret whatsoever. It clarified to me that she's never really going to go away. She was a patient bitch; she waited 14 years to come back into my husband's life and she will come back again. GUARANTEED.

So I collected myself and thought very hard about what to do. I actually wrote to the website and begged them to remove her name. I felt afraid of her and wanted it all gone. They never responded, and when I investigated further, these types of websites are really horrendous, they never delete anything once it's posted. People can say anything they want and it will be there forever, unless you hire an attorney and sue them to have it removed. My only saving grace is, she publicly admitted she cheated with my husband and thinks she didn't do anything wrong. If anything, it's MY fault for him being attracted to her because I "didn't give" him "something to come home to." 

After calming down, the next day I confronted my H and we had about a 4-hour talk about "it", and the whore. Long story short (read my other blog for details) I was satisfied with his answers. I believed him. And the next day, after mediating, and doing a lot of hard core soul-searching, I realized, I forgive him. And when I told him that night, he sobbed, grateful tears of joy, like he's just won the lotto. And we've been doing great ever since.

I could write a book on forgiveness, but I'll tell you one thing---when a person is still in the anger and resentment phase, we don't want to hear how we ought to or need to forgive the person that's wronged us. We need someone to tell us we have a right to our pain. That we've been treated badly and need to grieve. Forgiveness isn't something that can be forced. If it is, it isn't genuine, and that old anger and resentment will creep back. That hasn't happened to me. That's how I know I was ready to forgive.

And so......things are great now. I get that forgiveness doesn't mean forget. How could I ever forget??? Unless I get dementia in my old age, I will never forget. I can't forget at bedtime, when the demon whore creeps out and reminds me of how she came into my home and fucked my husband behind my back. The declarations of love and deceit. The way she used me to get to him. The way they both used me to get to each other. It will never, ever go away. It is diminished, and I can calm myself down most of the time now. But it's there and it will always be there. It is written in stone on the story of our marriage. The "storybook" ending is forever gone.

I've come a long way. I can't even believe how smart, mature, and eyes-wide-open I am now. I see things so differently. I see the world so differently. And I'm not sure if the open marriage will ever be open again, but we are definitely open-minded about it. I don't accept things at face-value anymore. If anything, I've become shrewd and calculated about my personal being and no one will ever take advantage of me again. I would probably see it coming.

Will my husband ever cheat on me again? Is "once a cheater, always a cheater" true here? I cannot know this. Only time will tell. All I know is, he's been given a tremendous gift; the gift of a second chance. I'm all in. If he chooses to blow this opportunity, I will have no regrets. I will walk away with my head held high and know that I did everything I could to save this marriage. It takes two. 

And if he was still seeing/contacting her, this would be a non-issue. We'd be divorcing. I'm not stupid. In the last two years, he's shown me his remorse on a daily basis. He's still proving it daily. He's tattooed things on himself as daily reminders to be a better person. He says that guy who did those things is gone. The shame inside will live on, and it's either suicide or be better for the remainder of his life. I see the better man daily, and I love him. He's the father of my children, and he has earned my forgiveness. 

That being said....we did go to a Poly meet-up group here over the weekend and it was very interesting. Next post!

Now go have safe, honest, and exciting sex you sexy mutherfuckers!!!!! I love you all!