I kissed a girl....and I liked it!!

Last weekend, my hubby and I had a night out that was super fun. We'd gotten a room downtown--it's a college town with lots of hot sexy young people--and had an amazing $450 dinner at an upscale restaurant, and it was still too early for nightlife, so we went to the casino and dropped a few hundred playing blackjack. It was fun but wow the money went faster than it usually does so we thought "we'd better get outta here!!" So we did. We Uber'd back downtown, stopped at our room to freshen up. I'd been texting a couple of hotties to see if they were interested in hooking up, but one by one they had some sort of excuse. I never mentioned my hubby (he was going to stay downstairs at the bar if I had a visitor) all I said was I had a hotel room. And at a 4-star hotel nonetheless!! Why are guys so fucking flaky??? All day long they beg for my pics and a date and then when I'm actually available, they scatter like cockroaches in the light. I truly don't get it. I looked damn good and it was a shame I couldn't find a young hot guy to share my room with me.

Soooo, we decided to go look for some fun then and since it was a beautiful, warm summer night, we walked to one of our fav dance clubs. It was only a couple of blocks, and as we stood waiting for the light to change to cross the street, I hear my name and it's a friend of mine I play tennis with! She's hot and blonde and single and had met up with another hot, blonde, single woman and a couple of other people. We all went to the dance club together. It was slow, too early (almost midnight!) and they decided to go next door to another dance club that was hopping and meet up with us later.

The music was loud and thumping, and the club was starting to fill up. We'd run into a couple of friends who decided to go next door to a club that was already hopping. My hubby and I sat down at the bar and ordered drinks and just people-watched.  There was a gorgeous dark-haired girl dancing alone by a table of friends, maybe eight people, and we weren't the only ones who couldn't take our eyes off of her. She had on a very short white dress, cute black stilettos, and she was dancing to the music, her eyes closed, in her own little world, just like the famous quote, "Dance as if no one were watching." And she was sexy and sultry and even I was getting turned on and girls don't turn me on!!

Next thing I know, my blonde friend and her group came back to the club, and we all descended up one the dance floor.  We dropped off our drinks and purses with my hubby who sat down at a table nearby.  The place was starting to fill up and we were all getting a little drunky. It was so fun. Hubby did come and dance with me and all of us were just having fun.

I was scanning the place and was so disappointed there weren't any cute boys at all, and most were coupled-up anyways. Then lo and behold I saw the dark-haired girl on the dance floor, holding hands with a very good-looking tall blonde guy, and they had major eye-contact and would occasionally kiss. Then I saw her grab the hand of the tall blonde girl my friend came with, and all three of them started a groups kiss together! The whole club was paying attention. I glanced over at my hubby, who'd gone and sat back down, and his eyes were big like, "WOW!!"

Then the three of them broke apart, and the tall blonde danced off to meet other people, and suddenly my tennis friend was holding hands with the dark-haired girl and her blond man, and then THEY were in a group kiss! I was giggling at this point. What a fun couple they were. I don't see people act like that at all where I live, everyone's so fucking repressed.

And then all three dropped hands, started dancing with other people, and guess who that other person was this time!! That's right!! ME!! I WAS IN THE GROUP KISS!! Mmm it was so hot. I hoped my hubby was watching. Turned out he was and he was as turned on as I was!! The dark-haired girl turns to me and got real close to my face and in broken English she said, "he like my husband" and then went on to say, "it only sex we like sex in my country do u like sex?" And she told me she was French and he was South African and that the two of them and their group all work on a boat and she's the chef!! She said her name was Kim. And she took my face in her hands and kissed me. I have never been kissed by a girl before and it was making me feel really turned on and I wanted more.

Then we went our separate dancing ways. After a song or two, I went to our table and plopped down in a chair and slurped up my drink: I was hot and sweaty! It was such a fun night. But it wasn't over yet! We decided we were getting ready to leave, and I saw the dark-haired girl now dancing with some random scruffy-looking young guy, and I knew I wanted to see her again. I went to the bartender and borrowed a pen from him and scribbled a sexy note and my name and phone number on a cocktail napkin.

I found Kim right where I last saw her, and just as I was about to go up to her she came straight at me and said, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!" And to my added surprise she again took my face in her hands and kissed me a long, slow juicy kiss. It was so hot. When she broke apart I showed her the cocktail napkin and told her what it was and she tried to stuff it in her bra but her dress was high-nexked and she couldn't figure it out, so then she took the now-crumpled napkin in her hand and lifted her dress and stuffed it in her panties. And then she kissed me again and I said "write me or call me! I'll come see u next time your boat comes to Milwaukee!!" and then we left. My head was spinning, and not just from the vodka.

I think I've fallen for a GIRL!!

Ready for some summer sex!

Hello sexy readers!

I haven't had much to write about lately. Ever since Blondie moved on, I haven't had much luck at all. Every time a hottie gets interested lately, they seem to have the same problem I believe Blondie did, which is, I'm married. It appears to be very hard for guys to accept that a hot married girl's husband isn't going to come after them with a shotgun. If I were to lie and say I was divorced, or separated, I wouldn't keep getting shot down (no pun intended!! LOL)

Every time I think, FUCK, there goes another hottie, I just want to scream. There was a super hot high school history teacher I'll call Joe, first year out of college. Twenty-four. He was a "10" for sure. Snapchatting me 24/7. We texted constantly. And then came the question: "how is it someone so gorgeous is actually single??" And whatever answer I gave was insufficient, and he's now ghosting me. He looks at every single snapchat story I post so he's still interested, or curious, or bored, but he hasn't responded to my last 3 texts. Why do guys need me to be single?? It's not like he or any of his young co-horts are looking for wives. What does it matter??!! It's like there's nothing I can say that reassures them sufficiently.

I decided that I'm not going to stoop to lying. It's just not in me. I'm a horrible liar. I'm good at exaggerating the truth LOL but I can't lie. I really can't. I would forget who I told what to, and I know how devastating it feels to be lied to, and I don't want to get involved with someone and then have to say, "there's something I need to tell you." So I will just keep being be, and "ME" is married. I'm not cheating. If you don't know what an "open relationship" is ask me. Or Google it, but it means different things to different people.

That being said, "F" is back! I can't remember if I have written about him on here recently, but yeah, he's back. We haven't gotten together yet  (he's still with his girlfriend!!) but true to F form, he gets bored eventually and comes back to me. And then strange thing is, I'm not sure I really care either way. He broke my heart. It was very hard getting over him. And of course my fling with Blondie helped heal that quickly. I was so happy with Blondie, "F who??!!" And then when that ended, I still didn't think of F anymore. I realized I was over him when he came back.

Things are escalating quickly. He is Snapchatting me 3-5 times a day now, which is unbelievable. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm flattered and intrigued. The last I sent him was a very sexy pic of me in black lingerie (F LOVES me in lingerie) and a caption that said, "I heard it's someone's birthday". Then another sexy pic,  with a caption I wrote that said, "I have a present for you." He sent a pic back immediately, a selfie of him in his car with that mega-watt smile and a caption that said, "tomorrow!" So who knows? Maybe we'll meet up soon. I will most definitely see him, but I know better than to get my heart involved again. He's too young--fuck he's 21 today!!! Younger than my SON!!!! And he will always have a "thing" for me, but like Blondie, will always want a girlfriend--the socially acceptable girl they can plaster all over Facebook. It's all for show.

I try not to make it a habit of looking at Blondie's FB bc it makes me sick to my stomach, but I can't help myself. I'm looking for the elimination of the "relationship with (new chick)" off his page. It's still there. And in my cynicism and heartache, I've spent way too much time analyzing their relationship. They fucking look like brother and sister. Fucking twins. Yin to each other's yang. I can't stand it. And then I get annoyed and think, "I'm done. I'm over you." And then I go and look at the app that tells me who's secretly stalking my FB and the previous man who was once my #1 is now way down to number #154. He's NOT thinking about me. Not right now anyways, and I have to move on. And sometimes I just have to force myself to be grateful for what we had and know that I don't regret a thing. Except not seeing the signs that he was struggling with me being married. I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to let it interfere. But it was there.

I do hope he will boomerang. I think that once you have that strong a connection with someone, that feeling never goes away. That all you have to do is think about that person, and BOOM it's there. Idk for all I know, by the time it happens, if it does, I won't feel the same way anymore. I got over F. I may get over Blondie too.

But he still has one of my earrings. A very nice pair that I thought would be super sexy laying on his dresser. I keep hoping the new chick finds it and he has to think about how it got there. And then, like he told me he did daily, jerk off thinking about me. And then maybe I'll get a text from him. Or he'll add me back on Snapchat.

I really must find someone new.

********

If you are a regular reader of my Twitter, you'll know that I recently had a little work done! I had surgery 2 weeks ago, and I'm still in the recovery process and have some residual swelling in my face. I don't want to talk about it other than to say, "LOOK OUT WORLD! ANNA'S BACK!!" I am super happy with the results so far; it's hard to know how it will look when the swelling goes down more but I've been told by a few friends that I look the same, only a much younger version of myself. I'm super excited for that. 

It's going to be a great summer!!!

Interesting revelation

A week has gone by, and I'm wondering if F and his gf are back from their little road trip. That and I have today off, AND I'm home sick, and I have time to do a little more detective work and see what recent pics he's posted of their sexy little vacay together. Well, I can't tell if they're still there or back, but I did learn two things--she has a car just like his, just a different color. They drive the same sports car. There's a pic of their two cars side by side and she commented on them. AND THERE'S A PIC OF HIS CAR FROM BEHIND WITH THE LICENSE PLATE AND IT'S NOT THE SAME CAR THAT WAS PARKED NEXT TO ME AT CLASS LAST WEEK!!!!!!!!! He'd put new exhaust pipes on his car and that's why the pic of it from the rear. I went to my photos to see the license plate of the car that I thought was his and realize it wasn't his car!!!!!!!!!!!!! So......explains his lack of response! I can't wait to tell my BFF. She will LOL for sure.

So whatever.

I'm working on ME now. He will always have a place in my heart, and a place in my life and my bed if he comes back, but I'm not going to sit around and pine for him any longer. I've got more important things to do.

My hubby and I are headed to LA!!! Can't wait!!!!! We've got reservations at the Chateau Marmont in Hollywood and we have tickets to an exclusive swingers party at the Ma Maison Sofitel Saturday night! Can't wait!!

And we haven't had any alcohol for over 3 weeks and we are going to drink tmrw!! My first drink will be a bloody mary on the plane. Oh yeah! Let the fun begin!

Oh, and why is it all the hotties on OK Cupid don't live anywhere near me??? WTF??? And the ones that do are all scared to meet me??

A-Ha Moment

Well, if anything becoming a detective due to my husband's infidelities taught me, it's effective sleuthing! I have learned how to check on people. I can't reveal my ways but let's just say I know my way around the Internet. AND guess what I found??? I found a way to view F's Instagram (he blocked me from seeing it) and guess what?? He's back with his GF, the one who cheated on him. The one he laid in MY bed telling me about. Yep, and not only did I run into him twice in four days, BUT I miss him by sheer hours at the car wash as well! He'd posted a pic of his sports car just hours after I had gone there myself! Is this not the craziest irony??

But here's the kicker: He posted a pic of the two of them together and I can't write what they said (I've been warned about quoting off the Internet here) but suffice it to say they are still quite together. And the vacation he said he was taking? The one where he said, "YES we need to see each other def when I get back from vacation" is a road trip to Florida with HER!!!!!! 

I'm not stalking him because I'm a crazy bitch in love. I have learned that people lie. And the only way to get the truth is to do a little detective work because people who lie leave clues. And he's stupid--just like my husband was stupid---he thinks cuz he blocked me I can't see what he's up to. I CAN. AND I DO. 

And my lovely F has fallen off his pedestal.

I will not be an affair whore. That's not who I am. I know both their Facebooks still say they're "single" which is confusing but I guess we will see when he gets back if he contacts me. He obviously deleted my phone number because that last Saturday when I wrote him his text response was, "(my name) who?" Cuz I guess he knows a number of girls who have the same name as me. When he realized it was me he was very glad to hear from me.

There's one more piece of the puzzle.......guess what????

His GF "liked" another pic of me I posted on MY Instagram!!! I posted a pic of me flexing my bicep at the gym. Now you have to understand, she is not a "follower", but I guess my page isn't private so anyone can comment/follow me. This is the second time she's "liked" one of my pics.

And she "liked" it at approximately midnight Friday night. When she was with HIM. IN FLORIDA. PROBABLY LAYING IN BED WITH HIM. 

I can just imagine how the conversation went.

HER to F:  "Hey! Look at (my son's mom---that's how she knows me). Isn't she hot for her age?" 

She shows it to him. They're laying naked and she's showing him a pic of ME to him and commenting on how good I look.

F: (inside freaking out, dick getting hard, remembering our hot roll in the hay in MY bed) "yeah, I guess so" and acts all non-chalant. 

HER: clicks "like" and thinks nothing of it. 

After all, she suspects nothing. He's all hers. I'm just the mom of his friend who took prom pics of them three years ago. That's the last time she and I saw each other.

I found those pics yesterday on my laptop. I was curious how he looked. And that's when I realized it had been 3 years since I'd seen him, NOT two. He was only 16 (nearly 17) then. No wonder I didn't remember him. I didn't remember her either. I remembered only his dad's red Ferrari and how handsome my son looked in his tux. 

So.....I have all the information now. And as to why he didn't respond about the pic I took of our cars together? I'm guessing he just deleted it cuz he was with her. 

Which doesn't hurt my feelings one bit. I haven't done anything wrong. My hubby knows everything. Of course I tell him!! He knows how I feel about F and how upset I was. He's always picking up the pieces after these guys break my heart. At least now I know the TRUTH so he can't play me anymore.

He's soooo young. He's only 19. And she's only 18. They're so immature. I'm moving on and if and when he decides he wants to see me, he knows how to contact me. Of course I'll see him again. 

He knows where I live. 

And for the record, I'm talking to at least 6-8 different guys, and none of them are close to his looks and charm. He was great in bed and great out of bed too. He's def a hard act to follow.

I'll keep looking.

Tweet explained

For whatever reason, Mr. S has not responded to the one and only text I sent him on Monday, a simple, "Hi Handsome". So....guess he didn't enjoy me as much as I enjoyed him. Or whatever. So unfortunately, the search for my F replacement begins anew. I'm always juggling half a dozen new hotties, waiting to find "the one" who will be my new FWB. I hate one-night stands (or lately, Wednesday stands LOL) and the last 3 turned out to be exactly that. There are three that I've kept on the back burner, stringing them along cuz I'm only "eh" on them. I don't know how to let anyone know I'm not interested after getting their hopes up so I ghost back myself, or tell them, "hey, just busy" and honestly, for the most part, I've learned these guys chicken out most of the time anyways. They just want to jerk off to pics of me and as flattering as that is, there's plenty of porn out there. You don't need me for that. 

So....back to the land of the plenty hehehehe I looked at all my new messages on my OK Cupid and lo and behold was a hottie I thought could fill the bill. I'll call him Denny. Mmmmm. AND bonus points for him, he lived nearby! (If you think that's odd, let me tell you--most of my messages seem to come from half-way around the world. I'm popular with the Turkish men for some reason.....). I responded to his compliments and told him he was quite a hottie as well. It took off from there, and by yesterday, literally only a half a day of correspondence, I was ready to fuck him. Mmmm. We had exchanged phone numbers and the naughty pics were flying back and forth.

So....Wednesday being my free day, he said he worked at 11:30 am, could he come before work? I said I have boxing, sorry. I can't keep missing it for sex. I know, I know, I can hear you all making fun of me. This was Tuesday evening. Then he said that he would try to get his schedule changed so he could come over at 11:00 am, which I said would be perfect. Or that I was free Friday, no boxing Friday so he could come over as early as 8:00 am!! He said no, Friday wouldn't work.

Well, 8:30 am yesterday, he sends me a text, "Sorry, can't get off work today." I wrote back, "that's fine, I understand! Let's aim for next week!" So I go along my merry way, and go to the gym for boxing. Then I get asked to sub a tennis drill, which goes till 11:30. My cell phone is in my locker from 9-11:30. When I get to it, he's written like 15 texts and had called me 4 times. 

It appears he WAS able to switch his schedule after all.

And he was desperately trying to get ahold of me.

I got to my car, and as it warmed up (it was like 12 degrees yesterday) I read them all. He hadn't left any voicemails, but I knew he wanted to still get together. At this point, I'd been at the gym for 2-1/2 hours. It was creeping close to 11:40 and I knew he needed to be at work now by 1:00. As I sat there contemplating things, he kept calling. I didn't answer. I knew I needed a shower, which included washing my hair (I wash it every other day), and I was starving, so it wasn't the ideal situation. Yes, he was hot.

I texted him an apology, saying I'd had my phone in my locker and just now seeing the messages. He said simply, "what's your address?" I said, "It's not going to work today. I need a shower, I need food". He said again, "what's your address?" He wasn't taking no for an answer. Then he said sweetly, "(my name), you don't need to be all showered up for me. I'm sure you're hot the way you look right now." And maybe to him I DID, but I didn't feel hot like this. I said, "This will be your first impression of me. I want to look and smell good for you. This isn't how I want it to be." Because ladies and gentleman, the truth is, I've met guys and looked my best, and had the best sex of my life, and they STILL ghost me afterwards. My self-esteem can't allow some new 19 year old hottie into my bed the way I looked. 

I guess he didn't agree. 

I was starting to actually feel bullied. 

He actually said this, and I'm quoting him verbatim, "I rearranged my schedule for you. Something's gotta happen."

Yeah. 

I said, "Not today."

Then he said, and again I quote, "well then lose my #...what the fuck".

I never responded.

I was literally shaking reading all this. He thought I owed him because he changed his work schedule at the last minute??

If anything my husband's infidelities have taught me, it's that sometimes, all I have to go on is my gut. That physical sensation that tells me if I'm safe or not safe, if something is or isn't right, when there's a lack of actual proof.

I'm SO glad I listened to it yesterday. He didn't care at all what I wanted or how I felt. How abusive a lover he might've been if my feelings didn't matter one iota???? 

I'm someone's mother. I have value beyond being someone's sex slave. And I didn't even know this guy. I have been very lucky that I've met only sweet, caring and thoughtful guys in the 12 years I've been doing this. This could've gone very badly.

That's the bullet I dodged yesterday.

                                                ****************************

Oh, and F deleted his Facebook . 

But maybe he just blocked me, not sure. Cuz if I go into Messenger, it says he's "Online and will receive your messages instantly." 

So wtf????

Has he blocked me? I asked my BFF to go on her FB and search for him and see if she can see his page. She hasn't gotten back to me. But damn I got it bad for that boy. 

Have a great day all you sexy people out there!!!!!

Love,

Anna XO

Young stud in my bed

I have been itching to sit down and tell you about my Saturday night! OMG Ok so I've been on OKCupid for about a month, and I've chatted with a handful of guys who it always seems to look significantly LESS cute than their profile pics! So I was very excited when I met a guy I'll call Jordan. His profile pic was too good to be true, I assumed, but I was instantly wet just looking at it. Tall and skinny and full of tattoos. Gauged ears. A musician. I fell hard fast, and was so happy to have my affections reciprocated! He started writing me immediately and within one day, I'd given him my cell number and we were texting like wildfire. He wanted to come see me THAT SAME NIGHT. Now you know how many flakes I've met on these dating websites--all these guys seem to want are pics to jack off to so I was very excited that it seemed this incredible, 24-year-old hottie was the real deal!!! I loved the way he talked to me. "You are so sexy." He even invited me to go to HIS BBQ with his family. He seemed the most open person I've met in a long time. We were connecting emotionally, not just physically with every text. He was sooo cute--he was texting me, "I've never done this, you sure your husband's ok with this? I've never done this before." That sort of thing. It was adorable. I couldn't wait to have him naked.

We were having a BBQ with a group of friends over, and despite living an hour away, he was persistent that it wasn't a big deal and that I was totally worth it! When did I want him?? I checked with my hubby and he said, "tell him to come right now!" I was like OMG wow!! So I gave him my address and lo and behold, he texted me he was on his way. I got so excited I was jumping out of my skin! And he actually showed up! I walked out the front door and met him on the driveway and he kissed me on the lips immediately. I had had too much to drink and should've just kept kissing him but stupid me was worried we'd be seen (we had vanilla friends over) so I took him by the hand out to greet everyone. He was so nervous but he said I made him feel so comfortable right away. I pulled up a chair for him next to me. My friends are awesome; everyone just chatted away and drank BUT my tennis partner was insistent--"How is it you two know each other???" She must've pressed that question three times. We both innocently just said how we are both musicians and have mutual friends, etc. She wasn't buying it. I love her to death as a friend but don't trust her with my secret love life so I just kept insisting we had mutual friends, etc. I knew he was nervous and uncomfortable--everyone there was twice his age--but he seemed to just be at ease as everyone was so nice otherwise. He didn't drink anything, and we'd all been drinking for about 8 hours then someone poured me Tito's in my wine glass and that got me drunker quick. BUT not so drunk I wasn't fully aware of all the fun I was about to have with my skinny guy upstairs! 

After maybe 15-20 min, I said to him, "Hey, want a tour?" even though I'd given him a tour of the house when he first arrived LOL He loved our music room with all our guitars and equipment. I asked him about his guitars--he said he had 13--one for every year he'd been playing. That was impressive!!!

He was so polite and just the nicest guy I'd met in a long time. He was Mickey but better. I loved his nerdy glasses (and told him so) and this otherwise total metalhead. Skinny black jeans, cut off shirt, gauged ears and full of tats. A ballcap on backwards. His hair was up in some sort of messy thing, but I'd remembered from his profile pic that it was waist-length. I couldn't wait to see it down. And I couldn't wait to see his 9-inch dick up close and personal. He'd send me a pic, it was amazing--him laying down holding it---damn what is it about these little guys with big dicks???? ;)))

We walked upstairs hand-in-hand. I led him to our bedroom and we took all our clothes off. He wasn't the frantic, ripping them off type of guy. He just methodically took everything off, and I did the same. I was pretty drunk and I get very lovey-dovey. He took my face in his hands and kissed me so softly and lusciously, not hard and desperate. Just very loving. He was passionate and every move was soft and sweet. He was so delicious. I can't stop thinking about when he was on top of me and let his hair down. It fell to the side like a beautiful waterfall, tickling my arm and face so seductively. He was so skinny and tiny, not tall like his pic at all. Our bodies fit so perfectly together. Like Mickey, I could put my arm around his waist completely and hold him tight while I was on top fucking him. It was so awesome. We fucked for about 2 hours, and he came inside me. No condom. We discussed it earlier--we are both clean and have been tested. 

After he came we laid there naked, talking (about WHAT I have no idea but I know it was deep) and we were really connecting. I had to pee and I was sad and disappointed that he took that as a cue he should leave! I didn't want him to!!!! I said, 'no please stay I just have to go to the bathroom" but he was worried about how late it was getting--he has a young son and needed to pick him up in the morning. Sadly he got dressed them and so did I, and I walked him downstairs and out to the driveway and we kissed and hugged goodbye. I went back in the house, up to our bedroom, and my hubby was laying in bed in Jordan's place, naked with a big hard dick waiting for me. He fucked me so hard, he was so turned on by me and my new boy and came fast. I knew I wouldn't be able to walk the next day. Two big dicks in one night. 

He was so cute, he texted me when he got home, and told me, "you have such a loving soul and are easy to talk to." He said something about me having "broken down my walls a bit" and how he "keeps that part of me hidden." So I got the feeling we really did connect and that I would see him again, that maybe, he would become a bigger part of my life.

But I haven't heard from him since. I know, it's only been a day, but I texted him yesterday morning the pic my friend took of us and this simple text, "Thx again for driving over. It was great meeting you. Have a great day with (his son's name)." with a heart smiley face. AND I sent a Snapchat of just me after showering and all looking pretty with a "hi". Nothing. So...this is making me very uneasy. I'm worried I came on too strong. So, here I am again, pulling back and waiting to see what my new guy does. Sigh.

And BTW J. is completely AWOL. Two weeks now, not a peep. I have all but forgotten about him with my new crush Jordan. Time will tell.

Happy Monday everyone!

The new year so far

Hello all you sexy peeps out there, what's up?? It's been like what, six months since I've posted on here??? WOW well not much to report I'm sad to say. With dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, we had to abandon our other sexual partners.

HOWEVER.....

I still have my boyfriend Allen, on the back burner. He texts me from time to time, and it's always wonderful hearing from him. He's been busy improving his looks! He sent me a selfie, and ooh-la-la, what an improvement! He got rid of those god-awful yellow-tinted glasses and got contacts! And he got a decent haircut. I told him he looks just like that hot guy in "Sons of Anarchy", "Jax" (played by Charlie Hunnam). Check him out. That's my Allen. Fucking smoking hot. With the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen on a guy. And he's happy waiting for me. I told you, he doesn't have the biggest sexual appetite for someone so young. He's only 27! And he isn't dating anyone else. He just works, takes care of his younger brother and mom, bought a brand-new truck, and hangs out with his work buddies on the weekends. He's perfectly happy waiting for me. I think that's crazy.
But I know his personality, and I believe him. He's pretty introverted for someone so good-looking, and he's got that tough exterior, just like the actor on the show, and keeps everyone at arm's distance. And he's an auto mechanic, so the chances of meeting hot girls doesn't really happen I guess. I don't know. It wouldn't bother me a bit if he was dating someone else. In fact, it kind of bothers me that he doesn't, because I wish he was more sexual.

And Mickey is AWOL again. And I'm happy to say I don't really care anymore. I've been through SO much with my husband, he's just becoming an annoying little pest. Like a mosquito that you can't quite see but hear it buzzing around your ear when you're trying to sleep. You swat at it but it only goes away for a few minutes and just as you get comfortable, it's back. That's Mickey. 

The last time I heard from him was a three-word response from a text I'd sent him. I wished him a happy new year, and sure enough, immediately, the response text came, "Happy new year." That was it. December 31st. Haven't heard from him since. I sent him pics that night of me, selfies I thought I looked sexy and youngish in, told him I missed him and wished we were together on New Year's Eve and all, and NOTHING. NOTHING BUT CRICKETS. CHIRP CHIRP.

Then my birthday came and went, and I creeped on his Facebook (of which I am NOT a "friend" mind you) and there's this hot young girl who lives in Ohio (he's in Oregon remember??) and ON MY BIRTHDAY he commented on a pic of hers how much he "loves your hair" complete with a smily face emoticon.

That did it for me.

What an asshole. I've known him almost 10 years, and he forgot my birthday. Instead of wishing me a happy birthday, he's telling another girl how much he loves her hair. Well, you know what? Fuck you Mickey. I don't need you to tell me you love MY hair anymore. That's the best part of dealing with this shit with my husband. I am SO over needing a young guy to make me feel young and sexy anymore. I'm embracing who I am. I'm not trying to be younger anymore, just happy being the best I can be at where I'm at right now.

That doesn't mean I've let myself go. No, not at all. I'm still at the gym most days, between tennis and boxing and running, and swimming 2 miles. I'm in great shape. My life is going well. 

About two weeks ago, I had a deep, spiritual moment that caught me completely off-guard. I'd been dealing with my H and my issues surrounding all the lies and deceit and it had really been coming to a boiling point. I knew that I couldn't live the way I was living anymore, and I had to either choose to walk away, or re-commit to him in the way of forgiveness. I couldn't live another looking over my shoulder 24/7. Googling the whore and fearing her return. She was alive and well in every pore of my body 24/7. She occupied more space in my heart, brain and body than she deserved. I was miserable.

What pushed me over the edge was seeing something online that I'd completely forgotten about. Right after D-day (obviously) I had posted something very nasty (but 100% true) about her on a cheater's website. It's the kind of website where you post the name of someone who's betrayed you and publicly humiliate them. I'm not proud to say I did that, because first of all, it's irrevocable. It will be there forever, unless I'm willing to pay $500 to have her name removed. WHICH I AM NOT. LET THAT BE CLEAR. However, SHE can pay $500 to clear her name hahahha which she may do if she so chooses.

Was that wrong of me? Well, I didn't realize that it would be there forever. In my hour of extreme pain and desire for revenge, I vented. I wanted to hurt her just a fraction of how much she hurt me. And you know what??? Now I don't regret it one fucking bit nor do I feel much more than a tiny shoestring of guilt. Do you know why??? SHE COMMENTED BACK ON MY POSTING WITH A FAKE NAME, AND OUTED ME AND MY HUSBAND RIGHT BACK. Without our last names though thankfully, which I can only surmise she wasn't allowed to given the constrictions of the website. Only the original poster can do that. 

AND GUESS WHAT SHE SAID?? NOT "I'M SO SORRY, YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT.' Or anything remotely close to that. SHE SAID THAT IT WAS MY FAULT; I SHOULD'VE GIVEN MY HUSBAND SOMETHING TO COME HOME TO. And in her second posting (under her false name) she added, "AND DON'T FORGET I WAS SINGLE." Like that makes it better???!!!!

I literally began to shake when I read this. I almost passed out with anger and fear. When I calmed down, I realized that I don't know when she wrote that. I could've been immediately after I wrote what I did, and possibly, like me, she doesn't even remember it's out there. But even so, it proves that she has absolutely no remorse or regret whatsoever. It clarified to me that she's never really going to go away. She was a patient bitch; she waited 14 years to come back into my husband's life and she will come back again. GUARANTEED.

So I collected myself and thought very hard about what to do. I actually wrote to the website and begged them to remove her name. I felt afraid of her and wanted it all gone. They never responded, and when I investigated further, these types of websites are really horrendous, they never delete anything once it's posted. People can say anything they want and it will be there forever, unless you hire an attorney and sue them to have it removed. My only saving grace is, she publicly admitted she cheated with my husband and thinks she didn't do anything wrong. If anything, it's MY fault for him being attracted to her because I "didn't give" him "something to come home to." 

After calming down, the next day I confronted my H and we had about a 4-hour talk about "it", and the whore. Long story short (read my other blog for details) I was satisfied with his answers. I believed him. And the next day, after mediating, and doing a lot of hard core soul-searching, I realized, I forgive him. And when I told him that night, he sobbed, grateful tears of joy, like he's just won the lotto. And we've been doing great ever since.

I could write a book on forgiveness, but I'll tell you one thing---when a person is still in the anger and resentment phase, we don't want to hear how we ought to or need to forgive the person that's wronged us. We need someone to tell us we have a right to our pain. That we've been treated badly and need to grieve. Forgiveness isn't something that can be forced. If it is, it isn't genuine, and that old anger and resentment will creep back. That hasn't happened to me. That's how I know I was ready to forgive.

And so......things are great now. I get that forgiveness doesn't mean forget. How could I ever forget??? Unless I get dementia in my old age, I will never forget. I can't forget at bedtime, when the demon whore creeps out and reminds me of how she came into my home and fucked my husband behind my back. The declarations of love and deceit. The way she used me to get to him. The way they both used me to get to each other. It will never, ever go away. It is diminished, and I can calm myself down most of the time now. But it's there and it will always be there. It is written in stone on the story of our marriage. The "storybook" ending is forever gone.

I've come a long way. I can't even believe how smart, mature, and eyes-wide-open I am now. I see things so differently. I see the world so differently. And I'm not sure if the open marriage will ever be open again, but we are definitely open-minded about it. I don't accept things at face-value anymore. If anything, I've become shrewd and calculated about my personal being and no one will ever take advantage of me again. I would probably see it coming.

Will my husband ever cheat on me again? Is "once a cheater, always a cheater" true here? I cannot know this. Only time will tell. All I know is, he's been given a tremendous gift; the gift of a second chance. I'm all in. If he chooses to blow this opportunity, I will have no regrets. I will walk away with my head held high and know that I did everything I could to save this marriage. It takes two. 

And if he was still seeing/contacting her, this would be a non-issue. We'd be divorcing. I'm not stupid. In the last two years, he's shown me his remorse on a daily basis. He's still proving it daily. He's tattooed things on himself as daily reminders to be a better person. He says that guy who did those things is gone. The shame inside will live on, and it's either suicide or be better for the remainder of his life. I see the better man daily, and I love him. He's the father of my children, and he has earned my forgiveness. 

That being said....we did go to a Poly meet-up group here over the weekend and it was very interesting. Next post!

Now go have safe, honest, and exciting sex you sexy mutherfuckers!!!!! I love you all!

Sexy skaterboy is back

Hello all my sexy readers! How are you all doing??? I am sure you are all having way more sex than I am these days. Yep, me and the hubby are still in a funk. It sucks. And it seems the cuties are coming out of the woodwork too. 

I got a random "hey" text from someone I had forgotten; someone I haven't met but have previously exchanged lots of sexts from. I'll call him Damien. He is 26 and lives in Chicago and OMG what a hottie!! Cute skaterboy. Wears his ballcap sideways and his jeans low. I swear I should crop out his face and post his pic with his sexy body for you so you don't think I'm making this shit up.

I have gotten some more sexy pics from Jake as well. Two sexy Chicago boys and who knows when the fuck I'll ever hook up with them??? The whole "open marriage" thing is off the table right now and we can't even talk about it. My H is out of town for work and yeah, I could go and fuck these two hotties and not tell him like he did to me but I'm not that kind of person. So how is it he was...? It's maddening. No wonder we are stuck.

I miss my old life. I miss my sexy young hotties. I miss the way they made me feel. I can't in good conscience go and fuck them now. I deleted my Adult Friend Finder profile and my Cougarlife. They are GONE. I don't miss them...but I met both my Chicago boys on them so I know it was good for me there for awhile.

Sigh.

Enjoy the pics! Have a great day lovers.

Anna XOXOX