Indescribably delicious

I just got home after dropping Blondie off at his apartment.

I have to write this all down so I don't forget anything.

And yes, it was A M A Z I N G.

Sigh.

He's literally loading everything he owns into a small driveable U-Haul as I write this and moving five hours away tomorrow morning.

He's made a mess of his life. He's moving back in with his mom with his proverbial tail between his legs.

Over the course of the last couple of weeks he apparently pissed off his girlfriend, went to Mexico on vacation with a group of friends, then lipped off to his boss which got him fired. Which rendered him homeless, since he worked maintenance at an apartment complex and got a reduced rent there. He had moved out of his old place two months ago to get a bigger place in the same complex with his girlfriend but she (apparently) kicked him out. In addition, he got a DUI in May when he got in a wreck so there's that. So he is jobless and car-less and homeless, and moving in with his mother and his step-dad for "least a year" to get his shit together. "Maybe go back to school".

So he'd announced his plans to move on a Facebook post yesterday (leaving out the "pissing off" everyone part). It must've been shocking to his friends bc last I looked, he'd had about 53 likes and sad faces and hearts and about 25 comments or more from well-wishers. He's made announcements like this before but never with a target date, so I knew he was serious. I also was privy to the fact that he was in a desperate situation bc he'd written me a few days ago asking if I would take his beloved cat while he looked for a place to live. And just as my hubby and I were discussing how we'd make that work, Blondie wrote me he was going to "try to make it work" with his ex-GF and so I wouldn't need to take his kitty after all. Raise me up and drop me, that's Blondie's MO. My BFF said, "what a douche!!!" But I know him better. He's not a douche. He's a hot mess, he doesn't know what he wants and so he's just grabbing onto anything that will stick. He's got a huge heart and hates more than anything to let anyone down, let alone hurt someone, but the truth is, he ends up hurting everyone including himself. He didn't end up with many options I guess.

I knew I had to see him and say goodbye. Five hours away might as well be five states, or five countries away as far as I was concerned. So I wrote him and asked if he was really moving and he responded right away, "yes I am". I told him I had something for him, and he responded by asking me "are YOU the gift??" with a wink emoticon. I couldn't believe it! Was he actually flirting with me?? I mean, this is the guy I've rarely spoken to for over a year because he "can't talk to me anymore". I felt myself getting excited and my hopes up. We messaged back and forth and he finally asked me if I could pick him up at 10 am.

I think you know the answer to that question!!!!

He confirmed this morning around 9:15, which honestly still surprised me, bc he's known for being a super big flake. I gave it less than a 50% chance we'd really see each other today. I expected him to say he had too much to do, blah blah blah, but he didn't.

I was sooo nervous. I looked back on these posts before I left to see when was the last time I'd seen him. Dec. 8, 2016. More than a year ago. And although we're Facebook friends and have had some communication here and there, it's been very infrequent, so seeing him today, let alone having sex with him gave me butterflies! So much time had passed, and yet another girlfriend fiasco.What if I wasn't attracted to him anymore? I had told my BFF that looking at his pics online I felt warm towards him but my lady bits weren't really tingly.

Maybe I just needed to see him in person.

*******

I wanted to chug a couple of vanilla vodka shots but I had to drive. I really could've used some liquid courage. I drove up to his apartment, saw the U-Haul, and parked across from it. And I was just putting the car into gear when I saw him hurrying in the cold to my car, and he got in. We were all smiles. We grabbed each other in a huge bear hug and didn't let go. He looked absolutely the same to me. Super long blonde mane with a black knit hat, those blue eyes behind dorky, broken black glasses that he pointed out to me later he'd super-glued in one spot. A sexy few days' ginger stubble.

Finally we parted, and I said, "I just can't believe you're really sitting here in my car!" He agreed. We talked about how long it had been--I didn't divulge the exact date--but we agreed it had been way too long.

As I drove us back to my house, he told me about his upcoming move, how he got to this point. The remark to his boss (he didn't say what it was), the break-up with the GF (he shared no details) having literally nowhere to go but his mother's, which was not exactly what he had planned for himself. He has the realization that he caused all of this. He is the common denominator. Later on when the opportunity presented itself, I said to him how he must not really want (these things) or he wouldn't sabotage them. He said about us, "we could've gone so far". Um yep we could have Blondie. You stopped it. NOT me.

On the drive to my house he commented on my cute car, how it's "so me". I currently have reindeer antlers in the windows and a red puffy "nose" on the hood grill, and I was telling him I should design  Minnie Mouse ears for each window and a red bow for the hood. He smiled and said, "you so should!!!!" and then he got quiet and I looked at him again, and he said, "I tried to be your Mickey".

LUMP IN THROAT!!!!!! WHAT DID HE JUST SAY????!!!!! HE TRIED TO BE MY MICKEY??!
WHAT DID THIS MEAN????!! OH MY GOD!!

I couldn't even react. I didn't say anything. The words just hung in the air as if they were big fluffy snowflakes drifting sideways. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it. I felt an electric shock go through me.

Finally I pulled my car into my garage, and he went bounding into the house like a puppy. He kicked off his shoes and my dog ran over to him to say hi. He excitedly said his name and gave my dog affection. Then he saw one of my cats on the back of the couch, went over to her and addressed her by name too, and pet her lovingly. He remembered their names. I thought that was sweet.

It was a little awkward, and I honestly wasn't sure he wanted sex! Nor did I! I had my guard up. I didn't want to start liking him too much again. I was so glad how I really had gotten over him completely. Well, maybe I hadn't, because I'm the one that reached out to HIM to "say goodbye".

I mostly felt a longing for him. I was excited but sad at the same time, because so much time had passed, and he was moving! It was almost like, "why are we doing this? What's the point??" The chemistry was definitely very much there.He seemed very distracted by his thoughts, moving and all, so I started with asking him if I could get him anything. He said he was fine. I had a few things I had gotten him (souvenirs) I'd never given him so I suggested we go into the kitchen and I gave them to him. I told him laughingly that it seemed every time I'd gotten him something, he would write me and say he couldn't talk to me bc he had this new GF so it seemed they were bad luck charms! His face got sad and he looked down and said, "I'm so sorry", and I said lightly, "that's ok". I made a joke of it. He loved them though. He seemed very moved.

I told him how I noticed in his Facebook pics of his trip to Mexico, he's wearing the tank top I got him so long ago. He said excitedly, "That's my favorite shirt!!!" We both beamed.

We awkwardly stood in the kitchen looking at each other, smiling, and he was kind of floating and twirling around, and I finally said, "what do you want to do?" He said, "ANYTHING!! I'm up for anything!" and he came over and hugged me tightly, and I felt his hard dick pressed up against me as he held me. He pulled away slightly and began to kiss me deeply. Mmmm it was delish. Then he let go and skipped down the hall towards the staircase, and pointed up with a devilish grin, his eyebrows asking me, "can we go up here??" I laughed and followed him. I reminded him of when he was on crutches and leapt up and down them previously. He smiled at the memory and said, "oh YEAH!!! I REMEMBER THAT!!!" He stopped at the top of the stairs to pet my other cat, and it was so cute how he remembered his name too.

He made a bee-line into my bedroom next, and plopped himself down on my bed like he owned it. Fully clothed. I said I had to get the ambiance "just right" and he joked, "ABSOLUTELY!!" I lit a candle and looked for a playlist on my phone, and turned on the bluetooth speaker. I told him how I was going to buy him tickets to his favorite group Odesa for his birthday but he went back to his girlfriend so I didn't buy them. He said, "oh my god were you going to take me??" I said, "Of course! They were playing in Madison the day before your birthday!" He put his arm across his face and said, "oh my god, wow, really? sigh". Yep Blondie, you missed out.

He beckoned me, "come over here!" and I obeyed. I laid down next to him; he put his arms around me and just hugged me again. So tightly. And hugging led to kissing, and next his hand was slowly caressing my leg, my butt, my back, every part of me. Like I was a Ferrari, you know? Have you ever touched a Ferrari?? You stroke it gently, lovingly, not wanting to scratch it. It's the most unbelievable thing you've ever seen and can't believe you're touching it. Every inch of it is a miraculous thing to behold. That's how I felt. Like a prized luxury car.

Or a Queen.

Somehow I managed to squeeze in saying, "Groping through clothes is the best! don't you think?" And he purred in agreement and kept on touching me, till finally all I wanted to do was rip our clothes off. So that's what we did ;) Blondie unzipped his pants and pulled them down to show me his welcoming big, thick stiff dick and smiled. I swiveled around and took off my socks one-by-one, my leggings, and then my top and just had on a matching silver bra and thong. He pulled off his sweater and shirt and voila, there was a fully naked Blondie in my bed. I told him I just couldn't believe he was there. He said softly, "me neither!", and everything accelerated from there...

He was passionate without being grabby. I'd forgotten what a great lover he is, and I mean specifically in that way. He's very passionate, not grabby at all, in fact, he is SO not goal-oriented at all. I feel like he makes love, not "has sex" with me. Everything that happens is organic. He doesn't really talk except to moan or say my name as he's moaning. One time I was on top of him and he was fucking me hard from underneath him, and he slowed himself down and told me, "close your eyes. I want you to FEEL ME." and I did. And once again he said it, "feel me". And as soon as I let myself feel him with my eyes closed, I burst into tears. I was feeling too much. I made myself stop as quickly as I could so he wouldn't see.

After that amazing move, he moved me gently off of him and laid my down next to him, spooning. He caressed my body and his hand moved down to insert his fingers into my vagina and I swear he got me really turned on that way. Like everything else he does, it was slow and sensual. I loved it. Some guys just jam their fingers in you and think you like that (insert laughing-till-crying emoji here). He doesn't do that. He's gentle. It's like he caresses the outside of my pussy while he's putting them inside all at the same time. It feels amazing. And he doesn't "feel around in there" like he's looking for a lost penny. (Why do guys do that???) I wish I could tell him all this!

He flipped me over and fucked me hard on top. I loved the eye contact. That's the best. So intense. I hate when guys have their eyes closed more than they're looking at you bc otherwise it feels like they're just fantasizing about some other chick (or porn) while I'm the one who's naked. He would fuck me hard and as he did, that long blonde mane would hang down and I'd grab it and pull on it, or brush it out of his face. And my favorite is when he'd flip it himself out of the way. Just like a fucking sexy caveman. GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I ordered him, "FUCK ME BLONDIE!! FUCK ME HARD!!!' He brought out the animal in me.

I straddled him and climbed on him so that I put my pussy right in his face. He ate me out appreciatively, and I then moved down and "tittie-fucked" him. He said he'd never done that before! I thought about his ex-girlfriends' A-cup tits and said, "you gotta have big ones for it!" LOL I rubbed my pussy on his thigh and told him I was going to dry-hump him and we were both going to cum like that. We almost did. Almost. It was naughty and fun.

Then I just gave him the royal treatment. I licked him up and down slowly and gently, avoiding his dick, up and around his balls, the inside of his thighs, his tummy, and stroked him gently with my hands while he laid there alternatively watching and not, his eyes closed in ecstasy. He moaned my name over and over. Finally I took his dick in my mouth and teased the tip, making it super wet with my saliva. He squirmed in delight and grabbed me by my hair and pulled it hard, pulling me on top of him, sticking that big fat cock of his inside me and fucking me so hard he came. I loved it when he said, "omg (my name) I'm coming" with that orgasmic "O" face. What's more fun than seeing THAT??!!

Another thing I love about sex with Blondie is he stays rock hard after he comes, and we just keep fucking. We don't stop. Usually he comes again within minutes, but this time he didn't. He slowed down and I felt him pull himself out, his hands on my torso, and he laid me gently down next to him. I got up and got us a towel, and he was smiling and saying, "OH MY GODDDD" over and over. Then he said, "Come back", and reached for me and held me. I wanted to keep it light so at some point I said, "do you remember the jalapeno incident??" And he laughed so loud and hard. "YESSSS!!!! OH MY GOD!!" We both laughed.

His dick was still straight up in the air like a ruler and I was still super turned on. He asked me to keep touching it (my pleasure!!! LOL) and I dribbled a little bit of lube on it and he purred, "mmm perfect" and we touched it together. I was so ready to keep fucking. I still hadn't come. I got so close so many times but I hadn't. We laid there playing with his cock for a little while, then unfortunately, he took our hands off and apologized for stopping. He said he was "distracted" by all the stuff he has to do, and he's also emotional about the move and all. Would I just hold him? ("consolation prize") LOL

It was all good though, because we talked. And he said some amazing things to me. He said he felt like we have such a strong connection, he feels we will always see each other again. I agreed. I said, "I now have total faith that I will see you again." And I do. And then I took a risk and said, "you know, I don't even really get jealous when you have a girlfriend bc I want you to be happy. I just hate that you cut me out when you do. Because I'm your friend first." He said, "I know, I'm sorry". I said, "you know Blondie, there are girls out there who will understand. You just have to know what you want and tell them." He said, "I know, I know." I felt like I was lecturing him but I had to get it out. This was my last chance. I said further, "you've gone through how many girlfriends now and look at us! Even when you have a girlfriend we still have that connection Blondie!" He was holding me as we were talking, naked and warm, and it was intense and emotional. "I know! I know!" he agreed. "you're so right!" So I said, "you can have both. You just have to know what you want and ask for it." I wanted him to know it IS possible. We laid there, just holding each other. I said, "that's what I have. We have a great marriage" then realized I needed to lighten up and said, "everyone should be like this because it's so awesome!" We laughed and he kissed me and snuggled me to let me know everything was all right. It was perfect.

He said he was hungry and was craving "Arby's". Said he saw it on the way over and so we decided we'd get it for him, so after a bit I proclaimed, "let's go!". He looked at me like he was making mental note of my face, the way you see them do in the movies when that person knows they're never going to see you again. I melted and said, "one last naked hug! Because naked hugs are the BEST!!!" and that's what we did. We held each other, neither wanting to let go. And then it occurred to me, 'TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE ANNA!!!!" And he's always let me take lots of pics so I said, "Selfie???" and he said, "sure!!!" So I took two selfie pics of us "for posterity". He trust me completely.

We kissed, then got up and dressed, and he was done first and wandered into my bathroom and just looked around. He saw the Minnie Mouse framed pic he'd given me and commented on it. He said, "You ARE Minnie" with a smile. We went downstairs and he gave a look around like it was the last time he'd ever see it, and we left. He took my hand and didn't want to let go; he intertwined his fingers with mine and since I have a stick shift, I was driving with my left hand and taking it off the wheel to shift with it. So we didn't have to let go. I commented, "I've never done this! It's tricky!" but his face was calm like he was just feeling it all, not like I was doing anything as extraordinary as this. I loved how he just didn't want to let go.

We didn't unlink our hands until we stopped at Arby's, and he fed me curly fries all the way to his apartment. One time I bit his finger and he smiled, and once he left his finger in my mouth for me to suck it. It was so hot! We joked and laughed about nothing I can remember now, but it was awesome. Like we were on a date--one of the dates we'd never gotten to go on.

When I licked his fingers, I told him it reminded me of how much I miss him cooking for me. I said, "I loved it when you took a piece of the chicken and licked off the sauce and fed it to your kitty. I thought that was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen." He said, "aw, well he's a great cat." I just smiled.

We finally got to his apartment building and saw the U-Haul again. I thought he said, "come in for a bit" and I was excited! I said, "I get to say goodbye to your kitty??" He said, "oh no, he's not here. He's at my co-worker's where I've been staying the last few days." I said, "Oh! Awww" sadly. I followed him to the U-Haul where he opened up the door, put in the bag of food and the bag of souvenirs I'd gotten him, and he turned and faced me and said, "this is it!"  He said something about having to go see his ex-co-worker who he was living with; he was going to get him so he could help him move more of his things. "Oh", I said, a little deflated bc I'd apparently misunderstood him. He just stared at me, and I smiled and said, "well best of luck Blondie, drive safe, keep in touch" and he said, "I will Anna, I will". We kissed a deep longing kiss, parted, and he said, "thank you for everything Anna. I appreciate you so much". I said, stupidly, "thank YOU honey" and felt instantly stupid and like "what the fuck did I say honey for???" I went up on my tip toes and kissed him again, and I turned and walked to my car.

I got in and as I put the car in gear, I saw him drive past me on the street, not looking back.

What I want for my birthday

The day after a first date is always the barometer of how it went, and New Guy didn't disappoint. He wrote me first thing in the morning, and last thing at night (didn't call me though! First day he didn't call! But he worked a 10 hour day so it's ok!!) He was also the first person to wish me a happy birthday. Yes, today is my birthday! And my heart is heavy because the one person I want to be with today just posted a snapchat of himself and his adorable cat to his story, but didn't send it to ME.

And I refuse to open his snapchat stories. He's not looking at mine anymore, for about 3-4 days now, and he STILL hasn't responded since his, "I go in at 12:30" text last Monday. I KNOW I need to get over him!!! I KNOW THAT!!!! But DOING it is something else altogether.

I'm pouring all the energy that I would be wasting on Blondie into New Guy. It's so funny, I really need to figure out what to call him, not just on this blog but in reality! I am calling him by the nickname his friends gave him but it feels strange, and I can't call him by the same name as my hubby. I mean of course I can, but his Facebook is filled with his friends calling him by his nickname. Last night I asked him what his middle name is, and it sounds African-American, and he is very Caucasian and blonde, so that name doesn't fit either!!

I love how I can tell NG (for "new guy" until I come up with something better) how I REALLY feel, and he is so easy to talk to. For example, he didn't understand why I wouldn't just come over and hang out. He said, and I quote, "If you don't want to fool around yet that has nothing to do with where we hang out. I will respect you. So don't automatically think that you coming over means sex. We can just cuddle and watch TV. Whenever you're ready for anything else, we can cross that bridge then." And I really do know he'd honor that. He's not one of those slimy types that think once they get you into their apartment they pounce.

He asked me, "what are you waiting for?" in response to him saying he feels "a lot of chemistry" for me. Before I had a chance to respond, he wrote, "I wasn't ready to hold hands yet." That shocked me! We ARE awkward together, but isn't that how it usually is when you're getting to know someone??!! I think for me, I usually either feel it 100% or not at all. I told him about a guy I went out on a first Tinder date with last year--he was the guy who was super cute, had a cat and an apartment and it was when Blondie had just dumped me to "pursue" Piggy Face. I wanted SO badly to like him. We met at a bar, had 2 glasses of wine, and felt nothing. I even went back to his apartment, met his cat, we chatted, and I still felt nothing. It's like I'm back there again with this new guy. I hate it!! I hate the hold Blondie has on me. He makes me so crazy and I'm sick of losing opportunities to be with someone else who will treat me right bc I am stuck on him.

And I love how you, my dear readers and anonymous friends, challenge me to ask myself why I keep giving him so many chances. And the thing is, we've been friends for almost 2 years, and lovers off and on for a year. I know, I know, there was that 8 month period where I didn't hear from him at all because he was with Piggy Face, but when they broke up he told me how he never stopped thinking about me and how badly he has wanted me all along. And we have an AMAZING connection, and I've never had sex like that with anyone. You know how that is---it creates a longing and desire for them very much like a drug and all I want is more more more. BUT if he doesn't feel the same way, which apparently, he does and he doesn't, sitting around waiting for him is just plain stupid.

Oh, and I have thought long and hard about my sudden burst-into-tears spell yesterday. I think it was so obvious I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner. It was really as simple as I really wished I'd been kissing Blondie instead. And how hurt I feel that he doesn't feel the same way. I am, without realizing it, grieving for him. I have SUCH longing for him and it hurts deep to my core. I HAVE to let go and let this new guy give me what I really want and need. He is willing to take things slow and wants everything I want. I just have to let go of Blondie to let it all happen. 

Today is my birthday! I'm going to squeeze in seeing NG. That will make me happy. I'm not going to let Blondie's lack of contact ruin my day. He thought my birthday was Sunday and he DID call me and wish me a happy birthday.

Have a good day everyone!

Blondie disappoints again and someone new to fill the void?

My dear sexy readers, you may be happy to hear that I am meeting someone new today!!! He's a musician, and we have about 30 mutual Facebook friends. We met on Tinder LOL but I'm sure our paths would've crossed in a bar or stage eventually!

 We've been talking to now for about oh maybe 6 months, but my initial attraction waned quickly with every political post he'd made. A staunch conservative, we began arguing publicly and it really almost got ugly. We couldn't be more opposite, and as the election got closer, and of course, when his candidate won, he gloated and I realized I could never date him.

And I really can't remember what the turning point was for me--most likely, it was his persistence. Combined with a lack of persistence on Blondie's part, he just kind of got under my skin. He made himself impossible to ignore.

And he wasn't kidding when he told me he is blunt. He has challenged me and said things to me no guy has ever said. And he calls me every day! Blondie has called me, but every day?? And this guy isn't a schmoozer. It's like he's got an ego as big as mine, and he is tough. He doesn't lay on the compliments easily, it's like I have to work for them, and apparently, I like the challenge as well! It was interesting to find out he's an Aquarian like me! He said he'd never met another Aquarian. I've only met one, and that was in high school. So we must be rare and strange creatures indeed.

I'm not sure I'm physically attracted to him which is the problem. In some pics he's hot and in some he's not. He's 27 (going to be 28) and what I DO like is he is all in. He's a great communicator. Not like Blondie. He actually told me, "I'm not so sure about you. I feel like this is one-sided, and I'm just here to entertain you." WOW WHAT???!!!!! I couldn't even answer. He went on, "I write you and write you and send you snapchats and you look at them and don't send anything back." And guess what---this is what Blondie does to ME!!!!!! And I'm so frustrated with him, and here I'm doing that to someone else???!!! I was like "whoa!!"!!

I confessed to him that I have someone else. That things aren't going as well as I'd like but that I'm pretty attached to him, so I'm sorry when I'm flaky, it's because I'm either crazy busy with my life (not an excuse he said) or talking to him. He thanked me for telling him, but he challenged me further to explore what I want from HIM and if I've got room in my life for him.

And I realize that he's everything I've been looking for, which is mainly, a great communicator. I feel shallow and hollow talking to him and I feel like I've met myself. Have you ever met anyone that made you feel that way?? I feel like if I let him in, TRULY let him in, I will fall harder than I've ever fallen for anyone, and he will either break me in two or make me the best person I could ever be. Or break me making me that person. I realize right now, writing about him, that I'm terrified. I can't wait to tell him.

After days of arguing about how we will meet, I agreed I'd meet him at his apartment, but I wouldn't go in. I am merely picking him up and we are going to walk to a nearby restaurant for lunch. Why did we argue about where to meet you may ask?? Well, I'm a girl (DUH) and wanted to meet him in a public place, and he thought it was silly. So we argued about that. He was just like, "REALLY?!??! We've been talking for half a year and you think I'm a serial killer?" He was insulted. I stood my ground. I said, "You're a stranger. I don't care how long I've been talking to you. I don't know you."
He got it, but then I said the real truth--"it's not that I really think you might hurt me, although that is a real possibility. The truth is, what if I'm not attracted to you? What if we have no chemistry? I don't want to be stuck at your apartment trying to get away. I want to be able to leave when and if I want to leave." He softened and said with all his bravado, "well, that ain't gonna happen because we already have crazy chemistry." I laughed and said, "we'll see mister."

I guess I need a name for him, because I think you'll be hearing a lot about him, but I will wait until after we meet.

****************

I am leaning towards this guy primarily because Blondie is just driving me crazy with his hot and cold, and after yesterday, I feel like I am ready to scream at him. And I don't want to scream at him, because of course I don't want to do anything to push him away, but when I see the lack of communication from him and that insane command of communication from this new guy, it just makes me limp with exhaustion. Yesterday was a prime example.

Sunday night, yet again, Blondie messages me around 10 o'clock a "happy birthday" (it's actually not till Thursday) and that he's sorry he couldn't "cum" (sic) to the party my friends threw for me that day. So that led to, "I'm alone, you should come over." I said, "I can't tonight, sorry" as I was drunk and trying to sober up, in my jammies drinking Sprite on the couch. (the party was epic BTW). Then as quickly as he asked me over, he says, "oh my roommate home now, I was alone." I didn't respond. Then I just wrote something like, 'Oh Blondie, you know how badly I want to fuck you. Come over tmrw at 11:00 (am)". He said, "I will be there."

And then he wrote he was going to Urgent Care in the morning and would come by after. I said, "Urgent care???! OMG why??!!" Seemed a strange pairing. ER visit and hot sex. Hmm. Okayyy?!?! He said he has a hernia and has to see the dr. No further explanation. So I said, "Ok, well sorry to hear but yeah! I'll be here! Can't wait to see you!"

I had told him I had tennis until 10:30 but that I'd be home and showered by 11-ish. And when I'd finished tennis and hadn't yet heard from him, I knew he wasn't going to end up coming over. I just knew it. I didn't want to be the first one to write him, but I needed to know if he was coming over or not, because if he wasn't, I wouldn't shower, I'd get my house cleaned and shit. So I just wrote, "Just finished tennis. How'd it go at the doctor?" He wrote right back, "I go at 12;30." 

I wish I'd waited to respond or not respond at all. I processed this new info and my mind just quickly surmised it to mean, "I won't be able to see you now." Of course he didn't actually SAY that. I had to figure it out on my own. So stupidly and too quickly, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I just said. "that's good! Gotta take care of yourself" and then, "well poopy you won't get to see me then."

And when I told my BFF about this convo, she was furious. She said, "That's it??!! He never responded??" I said, "nope". And he still hasn't. She said, 'You can't make appointments at the urgent care. He could've gone a different time." So then I started to stew, and smoke began to come out of my ears, and I began to feel furious and stupid.

And unappreciated, and taken for granted, because without more information, why would I feel any differently?? How hard would it have been to say, "I'm sorry, that's the only time they could get me in, it sucks!! When are you free next??" And since that STILL hasn't happened, I've decided not to invest any more energy into him. If he wants me, he's going to have to do better.

If I'd waited to respond, and had taken time to process his answer, I would've called him on it. I would've said something more along the lines of, "hmmm that's interesting bc I'm pretty sure Urgent Care doesn't make appointments." And made him defend himself. He's just too much work.

I'm getting really excited to meet this new guy today. Apprehensive and excited at the same time.

Today may be, as Dr. Phil says, "a changing day" for me.

Going to heaven will take me to hell

It's always a bit shocking to see a comment on one of my posts that lovingly tells me I'm going to hell. It's been quite a while since I've gotten one of those, and it reminded me that I needed to change my privacy settings on this blog. I encourage dissent and thoughtful repartee, but just telling me I'm going to go to hell for what, talking about sex? Enjoying sex? What is it I'm doing that would send me to hell? Having sex outside of marriage? I'm not cheating. My hubby knows everything I'm up to. We discuss it all. I'm hurting NO ONE. So, what's it to you buddy??!! SERIOUSLY!!! Thank God I have a sense of humor.

I truly wish more people would open their minds and question more, and not just about sex. There's a few great books on non-monogamy and I highly recommend EVERYONE read them! They are:

1. Sex at Dawn, authors Christopher Ryan. PhD, and Cacilda Jetha, MD. "How we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships"

2. Mating in Captivity, author Esther Perel, "Unlocking erotic intelligence: Can we desire what we already have? Does good intimacy always make for hot sex?"

3. Stepping off the Relationship Escalator, book not yet released but you can get info and a free 22-page download at www.offescalator.com

I've read and re-read these two books. They're fascinating. Please download them or buy them from a real bookstore. I guarantee you will learn something useful, even if you are like my frenemy who thinks I shall go to hell for having recreational sex. (I guarantee he/she is suffering from extreme repression and probably a closeted nymphomaniac!)

*************

My mother, God rest her soul, had sex with only one man in her entire lifetime: my father. They were married nearly 60 years when she passed away. She was a virgin when they married in 1955 and she was twenty-years old. My father, now 87, slept around prior to their meeting, but was faithful forever after.

Are there marriages like my parents anymore? And I'm referring to subsequent generations. I know one in particular; a friend of mine since kindergarten is still very happily married to her husband and they've been together 32 years. Has either of them cheated?? I would guess that it's likely he cheated on her but not the other way around. I have often wanted to ask her, but since we live on opposite coasts, we have only seen each other a handful of times in the last two decades and it's not like the topic is easy to bring up. They seem very much in love and happy.

I had the most interesting conversation with the gal that does my eyelashes (I get extensions and yes I absolutely love them!!). She's just turned 24 and single. A bit jaded, as she's recently come out of a terrible break-up. My favorite topic is marriage and relationships, so as I lay there with my eyes taped shut every other week, we cover everything. I adore her. And as usual we got to talking about marriage, and she revealed her parents have been divorced since she was around 10 years old. She lives near her mother, who is about my age, but she is retiring early from her job. She has not re-married. She hasn't really mentioned her dad and I haven't asked, but my point is this--she (my eyelash filler) still believes in the Disney ideal of "one true love". Shocked, I asked her how could she possibly believe in that, given all the evidence around her (divorces among nearly everyone she knows). And her answer threw me completely: she said, "I don't know, I guess it's because I just want to prove my parents wrong." She went on to explain that it's not that marriage itself is the issue, but rather, the partners they chose to marry and their unwillingness to try to stay together and work things out.

I have thought long and hard about that answer.

Soooooo, instead of being jaded about marriage, having seen plenty of marriages dissolve, she, and apparently many young people like her, believe they just chose wrong, and jumped ship too quickly.

I think she's certainly correct about them both--we need to truly know ourselves before we can commit to another person, and how many of us do the hard work BEFORE we get married?? And, as things get hard in a marriage, as they will, how many flee thinking the grass is greener elsewhere??

My goal is to tamper her thinking to admit that marriage is an outdated institution, and isn't necessary in today's world. I want her, and you, and everyone to remember that marriage is a contractual agreement. A business contract. What's less sexy than a business agreement forcing you to stay in love with someone FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE AND NEVER FUCK ANYONE ELSE????!!! Because that's what society has proscribed for you. And we all walk around wounded and feeling like shit about ourselves because a few years in--around years 6-7, sooner if you have children---you will fall out of love with your spouse and no one warns you about what the fuck to do about it when it happens. That "omg i loveeeeeeee him" feeling WILL PASS. And you will start to fantasize about fucking ANYONE but them.

If you're mature enough to have that conversation BEFORE you exchange your vows, you are head and shoulders above 99% of everyone else.

Don't wait for it to happen, and don't think for a second that it won't. That's the shit Disney tries to sell you. It sells movie tickets and destroys people's lives. Plan for it, and make a plan for what to do about it.

I haven't told my children about our non-monogamous marriage, but I do talk to them about this subject. Believe it or not, it comes up quite organically.

It's shoved down our throats that there's "one and only" and that they will fulfill all our needs forever till death do us part.

I beg you to question this insanity, and open your mind to a new way of thinking, even if you never open your marriage as we have.

More on this another time.

Have a great weekend!

Love,
Anna XO

Afterglow

OH. MY. GOD.

Dear readers, you have put up with me for so long, all my sad tirades and all my unrequited desirings. And you've been there for me through it all.  It is with great pleasure and torture that I announce.....

Blondie is back in my life.

I say that without exclamation marks, because I'm beyond exclamations. I am SO happy.

He fills such a deep longing in me, and I've missed him so terribly these last 8 months, and I think I'm still a little shocked. And of course, I haven't heard from him since he drove out of my garage a week ago, so there's still that terror and worry "was that it??? Will I ever see him again??" So that kind of negates the desire for me to put exclamation marks on that sentence. Because, is he truly back in my life, or did he just pop in for one last fuck???

And it's that space I'm in right now. It's a hard space to be in. We've all been there haven't we??

It's a familiar feeling, as I've felt it ever single time I've ever been with him. I leave thinking, 'if I never see him again, it will all still be worth it." And I say that because I'm married!! And most people think "where can this go??? It can't go anywhere!" And I know that the truth is, most relationships end. They just do! So why do we go into them thinking they have to be "forever"??!! THERE IS NO FOREVER. All we have is RIGHT NOW. THIS MOMENT.

And we should be making the most of every single one of those moments, instead of fretting about if there will be more of them.

Because life has NO guarantees. Human beings are not robots. We are fleeting in our cares and desires and the wind may carry us away and it may carry us back. We cannot control ourselves let alone anyone else.

So when the wind carries someone as beautiful and amazing as my Blondie your way, just fucking enjoy them. In that moment. Because you don't know if you'll ever have them again, and if you don't, you don't want to ruin it with forecasting.

But that's what we do. We want guarantees. We want to know "are you all in???" "Are you "the one"???!!" And you know what my dear friends??? There is no such thing. And the sooner you believe that, the happier you will be.

There will be many, many, many people that will come and go in your life, and each one will leave an indelible mark on your heart. Each one is special in their own right. If you go into each relationship with the goal of marriage being the finish line, you miss out completely on the magic, not of "what could be" but WHAT IS.

RIGHT NOW.

This moment, right now, is all that matters.

I kissed a girl....and I liked it!!

Last weekend, my hubby and I had a night out that was super fun. We'd gotten a room downtown--it's a college town with lots of hot sexy young people--and had an amazing $450 dinner at an upscale restaurant, and it was still too early for nightlife, so we went to the casino and dropped a few hundred playing blackjack. It was fun but wow the money went faster than it usually does so we thought "we'd better get outta here!!" So we did. We Uber'd back downtown, stopped at our room to freshen up. I'd been texting a couple of hotties to see if they were interested in hooking up, but one by one they had some sort of excuse. I never mentioned my hubby (he was going to stay downstairs at the bar if I had a visitor) all I said was I had a hotel room. And at a 4-star hotel nonetheless!! Why are guys so fucking flaky??? All day long they beg for my pics and a date and then when I'm actually available, they scatter like cockroaches in the light. I truly don't get it. I looked damn good and it was a shame I couldn't find a young hot guy to share my room with me.

Soooo, we decided to go look for some fun then and since it was a beautiful, warm summer night, we walked to one of our fav dance clubs. It was only a couple of blocks, and as we stood waiting for the light to change to cross the street, I hear my name and it's a friend of mine I play tennis with! She's hot and blonde and single and had met up with another hot, blonde, single woman and a couple of other people. We all went to the dance club together. It was slow, too early (almost midnight!) and they decided to go next door to another dance club that was hopping and meet up with us later.

The music was loud and thumping, and the club was starting to fill up. We'd run into a couple of friends who decided to go next door to a club that was already hopping. My hubby and I sat down at the bar and ordered drinks and just people-watched.  There was a gorgeous dark-haired girl dancing alone by a table of friends, maybe eight people, and we weren't the only ones who couldn't take our eyes off of her. She had on a very short white dress, cute black stilettos, and she was dancing to the music, her eyes closed, in her own little world, just like the famous quote, "Dance as if no one were watching." And she was sexy and sultry and even I was getting turned on and girls don't turn me on!!

Next thing I know, my blonde friend and her group came back to the club, and we all descended up one the dance floor.  We dropped off our drinks and purses with my hubby who sat down at a table nearby.  The place was starting to fill up and we were all getting a little drunky. It was so fun. Hubby did come and dance with me and all of us were just having fun.

I was scanning the place and was so disappointed there weren't any cute boys at all, and most were coupled-up anyways. Then lo and behold I saw the dark-haired girl on the dance floor, holding hands with a very good-looking tall blonde guy, and they had major eye-contact and would occasionally kiss. Then I saw her grab the hand of the tall blonde girl my friend came with, and all three of them started a groups kiss together! The whole club was paying attention. I glanced over at my hubby, who'd gone and sat back down, and his eyes were big like, "WOW!!"

Then the three of them broke apart, and the tall blonde danced off to meet other people, and suddenly my tennis friend was holding hands with the dark-haired girl and her blond man, and then THEY were in a group kiss! I was giggling at this point. What a fun couple they were. I don't see people act like that at all where I live, everyone's so fucking repressed.

And then all three dropped hands, started dancing with other people, and guess who that other person was this time!! That's right!! ME!! I WAS IN THE GROUP KISS!! Mmm it was so hot. I hoped my hubby was watching. Turned out he was and he was as turned on as I was!! The dark-haired girl turns to me and got real close to my face and in broken English she said, "he like my husband" and then went on to say, "it only sex we like sex in my country do u like sex?" And she told me she was French and he was South African and that the two of them and their group all work on a boat and she's the chef!! She said her name was Kim. And she took my face in her hands and kissed me. I have never been kissed by a girl before and it was making me feel really turned on and I wanted more.

Then we went our separate dancing ways. After a song or two, I went to our table and plopped down in a chair and slurped up my drink: I was hot and sweaty! It was such a fun night. But it wasn't over yet! We decided we were getting ready to leave, and I saw the dark-haired girl now dancing with some random scruffy-looking young guy, and I knew I wanted to see her again. I went to the bartender and borrowed a pen from him and scribbled a sexy note and my name and phone number on a cocktail napkin.

I found Kim right where I last saw her, and just as I was about to go up to her she came straight at me and said, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!" And to my added surprise she again took my face in her hands and kissed me a long, slow juicy kiss. It was so hot. When she broke apart I showed her the cocktail napkin and told her what it was and she tried to stuff it in her bra but her dress was high-nexked and she couldn't figure it out, so then she took the now-crumpled napkin in her hand and lifted her dress and stuffed it in her panties. And then she kissed me again and I said "write me or call me! I'll come see u next time your boat comes to Milwaukee!!" and then we left. My head was spinning, and not just from the vodka.

I think I've fallen for a GIRL!!

NaughtyAnna wants to hear from YOU!!!

Good morning my sexy readers out there! Just a quick note to let you know how much I love hearing from you all. I can see by my numbers you're here, reading my sexy stories. I love feedback! I just posted a "survey monkey" survey, please take 15 seconds and take the survey! Let me know what posts you like and how I can better serve you, my sexy readers!

Have a great day!

Love always,
Anna XOXOX