Catching up

This will be the most honest blog post I've ever written.

I haven't written anything here since November....????!! I guess you can say I've been a bit busy.

I'm still seeing "James", who I will call "Jesus" going forward bc that's my nickname for him with my friends bc well, he looks like Jesus. Long flowing black hair, bright blue eyes, perfect white teeth and the one-inch or so full beard. He's truly beautiful.

It's been 4-1/2 months we've been seeing each other now, and my life has completely turned upside down. We began seeing each other every Thursday night and with the exception of last night, I've spent the night with him every single Thursday night since we met November 7th.

My hubby hasn't dealt with this well at all (understandably).

In the poly community, they'd call what I have with Jesus "NRE" or "new relationship energy" which is something to be "managed". So for the last four and a half months, I've been head-over-heels for this new guy, and my marriage has taken quite a beating. My husband and I have fought nearly every single day. For a guy that is never jealous, this has caught him quite by surprise.

Early on, things came out of my mouth that shocked the both of us. I said things like, "if you make me choose between you or Jesus, I will choose Jesus." After 26 years of marriage??? Yes. I truly felt that way.

And I still do. How the fuck can he possibly stay with me?

I think he just knows me better than I know myself. I think he knows it's some sort of mid-life crisis. I mean come on. My boyfriend is 26 years old. I'm twice his age. It can't "go" anywhere. He wants a wife and kids someday. And he should have that.

And yes, he calls me his girlfriend. I love it. He even commented on a coffee cup I have that says, "good morning gorgeous" that it was "trying to steal my girlfriend" haha. So cute.

We are in love. I said it to him first, and he says it back now. I told my husband I'm not in love with him anymore. But I DO still love him. But not the way he deserves to be loved.

We've almost split up several times now. We've had the most ferocious arguments. He's tried harder than anyone else ever would to tolerate this behavior of mine and try to ride it out. Sometimes he's done quite well while I was staying overnight at Jesus' house, and other times, he would panic and freak out, calling me, or smashing something at home, or getting black-out drunk to try to cope. Once a couple weeks ago we were on a double date with him and he got so verbally and physically abusive he was thrown out of the club. Jesus told me he "never wanted to see his face again". My best girlfriend is done with him too. And me?? I was done and made him sleep in the guest room. And then I took him back two days later.

He begged for a second chance, which actually, is a third chance (bc of the cheating). I felt like the marriage deserved it. And he does too. He's so remorseful, he totally owns how he behaved. But I had to make him see that just bc I will forgive him doesn't mean my boyfriend or best friend will. He says he was black-out drunk and barely remembers it, but he doesn't minimize its effect on us.

And now Jesus won't come to my gigs. And husband knows it's bc of him being in the band. He feels terrible about it but it is what it is.

I went and looked at an apartment and told Jesus all about it. At the time I saw it, I had every intention of moving there alone. I was so hurt and angry at my husband for his behavior. Since then he's worn me down and made me feel compassion instead of anger. It's bc he just kept so many emotions and jealousy under the surface and seeing the two of us together just boiled over for him he said.

"It's still no excuse" he says. He is taking ownership of it. But I can't get his mean angry face out of my head. The finger in my face saying, "FUCK YOU"  over and over again. Pushing me. Seeing my boyfriend jump off a barstool to defend me.

So here we are now, boyfriend and I are doing quite well but something is off. I had to tell him I was giving my husband another chance. I can't lie or pretend I'm divorcing him if I'm not. And it seems he may be pulling back. Our sex life isn't what it used to be. Other than that little thing LOL our relationship seems perfectly fine. My husband went out of town for work this week and I had Jesus over for 3 days. We didn't even leave the house one day. We laugh and talk and cuddle and get along so well, but not enough sex tbh. I have been trying to get up the courage to ask him about it but have failed. The night I was going to try we both got stoned and drunk (kind of what we do lately) and he waxed poetic about how he loves me and told all his friends about me and how they all want their own "MILFY" (his nickname for me). How I take such good care of him. How happy he is. How he'd "do anything" for me.

And he's sooooooo affectionate. He is very gentle and kind and I've never seen him upset or complain about anything. We are twins that way. We really are so much alike. Even when my husband was in his face he just said, "Dude, go home". He said he really wanted to punch him but he wouldn't do that bc of me. And my husband yelled to him, "SHE LOVES YOU. SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME. YOU CAN HAVE HER!!" and that he wants a divorce. He says he doesn't want one so why would he say that? Bc he was "trying to get my attention." He sure got it alright.

So idk really what I want---my husband and I both drank the Poly kool-aid through and through and I just don't know if I can manage two relationships at the same time. I think for it to truly work you have to feel the same way about both people. I don't. And that's where my husbands' jealousy comes from. He knows I don't feel the same way about him anymore.

Will I ever?? Things are better right now. We even had sex. But he said I was crying for Jesus the whole time. How sad and pathetic is that?? What the fuck. I do know this partying is getting out of control. It's fun until it isn't.

We are both in therapy and I've called a couple's counselor my therapist recommended but she's out on surgery leave and we are getting impatient. I don't know what's going to happen. I really can't think properly anymore. There's so much drama and emotion going on 24/7.

We are going to Singapore next week. My husband has factories there and I'm tagging along finally. He wanted to get a ticket for Jesus and I just thought it was a bad idea. It was a very hard decision but I still think it was for the best. I will have one day on my own there as well as a 15 hour flight home. I need the alone time to think about what I want.  I am looking forward to the trip and when I get back, hubby will still be gone for an additional 4 days I can have Jesus over.

Anyways, this is why you haven't heard from me for awhile. Things have been so crazy. I'm very happy, happier than I've been in a long time, and it hurts so much to know I'm causing my husband so much pain.

Will keep you posted.

Love always,
Anna xoxoxoxox

I kissed a girl....and I liked it!!

Last weekend, my hubby and I had a night out that was super fun. We'd gotten a room downtown--it's a college town with lots of hot sexy young people--and had an amazing $450 dinner at an upscale restaurant, and it was still too early for nightlife, so we went to the casino and dropped a few hundred playing blackjack. It was fun but wow the money went faster than it usually does so we thought "we'd better get outta here!!" So we did. We Uber'd back downtown, stopped at our room to freshen up. I'd been texting a couple of hotties to see if they were interested in hooking up, but one by one they had some sort of excuse. I never mentioned my hubby (he was going to stay downstairs at the bar if I had a visitor) all I said was I had a hotel room. And at a 4-star hotel nonetheless!! Why are guys so fucking flaky??? All day long they beg for my pics and a date and then when I'm actually available, they scatter like cockroaches in the light. I truly don't get it. I looked damn good and it was a shame I couldn't find a young hot guy to share my room with me.

Soooo, we decided to go look for some fun then and since it was a beautiful, warm summer night, we walked to one of our fav dance clubs. It was only a couple of blocks, and as we stood waiting for the light to change to cross the street, I hear my name and it's a friend of mine I play tennis with! She's hot and blonde and single and had met up with another hot, blonde, single woman and a couple of other people. We all went to the dance club together. It was slow, too early (almost midnight!) and they decided to go next door to another dance club that was hopping and meet up with us later.

The music was loud and thumping, and the club was starting to fill up. We'd run into a couple of friends who decided to go next door to a club that was already hopping. My hubby and I sat down at the bar and ordered drinks and just people-watched.  There was a gorgeous dark-haired girl dancing alone by a table of friends, maybe eight people, and we weren't the only ones who couldn't take our eyes off of her. She had on a very short white dress, cute black stilettos, and she was dancing to the music, her eyes closed, in her own little world, just like the famous quote, "Dance as if no one were watching." And she was sexy and sultry and even I was getting turned on and girls don't turn me on!!

Next thing I know, my blonde friend and her group came back to the club, and we all descended up one the dance floor.  We dropped off our drinks and purses with my hubby who sat down at a table nearby.  The place was starting to fill up and we were all getting a little drunky. It was so fun. Hubby did come and dance with me and all of us were just having fun.

I was scanning the place and was so disappointed there weren't any cute boys at all, and most were coupled-up anyways. Then lo and behold I saw the dark-haired girl on the dance floor, holding hands with a very good-looking tall blonde guy, and they had major eye-contact and would occasionally kiss. Then I saw her grab the hand of the tall blonde girl my friend came with, and all three of them started a groups kiss together! The whole club was paying attention. I glanced over at my hubby, who'd gone and sat back down, and his eyes were big like, "WOW!!"

Then the three of them broke apart, and the tall blonde danced off to meet other people, and suddenly my tennis friend was holding hands with the dark-haired girl and her blond man, and then THEY were in a group kiss! I was giggling at this point. What a fun couple they were. I don't see people act like that at all where I live, everyone's so fucking repressed.

And then all three dropped hands, started dancing with other people, and guess who that other person was this time!! That's right!! ME!! I WAS IN THE GROUP KISS!! Mmm it was so hot. I hoped my hubby was watching. Turned out he was and he was as turned on as I was!! The dark-haired girl turns to me and got real close to my face and in broken English she said, "he like my husband" and then went on to say, "it only sex we like sex in my country do u like sex?" And she told me she was French and he was South African and that the two of them and their group all work on a boat and she's the chef!! She said her name was Kim. And she took my face in her hands and kissed me. I have never been kissed by a girl before and it was making me feel really turned on and I wanted more.

Then we went our separate dancing ways. After a song or two, I went to our table and plopped down in a chair and slurped up my drink: I was hot and sweaty! It was such a fun night. But it wasn't over yet! We decided we were getting ready to leave, and I saw the dark-haired girl now dancing with some random scruffy-looking young guy, and I knew I wanted to see her again. I went to the bartender and borrowed a pen from him and scribbled a sexy note and my name and phone number on a cocktail napkin.

I found Kim right where I last saw her, and just as I was about to go up to her she came straight at me and said, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!" And to my added surprise she again took my face in her hands and kissed me a long, slow juicy kiss. It was so hot. When she broke apart I showed her the cocktail napkin and told her what it was and she tried to stuff it in her bra but her dress was high-nexked and she couldn't figure it out, so then she took the now-crumpled napkin in her hand and lifted her dress and stuffed it in her panties. And then she kissed me again and I said "write me or call me! I'll come see u next time your boat comes to Milwaukee!!" and then we left. My head was spinning, and not just from the vodka.

I think I've fallen for a GIRL!!

Anna's hubby gets some action!

Hello sexy readers!!

I thought I'd take today to fill you in on a couple things you may be wondering about, like, namely, my husband's love life!! Without digressing into the whole journey we took getting here, basically, you could say right now it's more equal than it's been in the last 4 years since I accidentally uncovered years of lies and infidelity. 

Basically, it's been mostly one-sided since we reunited in April of 2012. Of course I have had major trust issues with him, so he has refrained from having other women in his life until recently. It's not that he hasn't been interested in anyone; it's that I haven't allowed him to act on it. The first woman he chose was a co-worker (yes, AGAIN) and I forbid it. He willingly complied. Always worried he will cheat again--hence the saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater", I made sure his leash was on tight at all times. Fearful of losing me, he obliged and didn't complain.

We've made increasing progress over the last two years, mostly because I had some epiphanies that began the night I watched my mother take her last breaths. And of course, weekly therapy for three years and anti-depressants during that time. And most of all, my steadfastness and earnestness to heal from the trauma.

I also made a New Year's resolution this last New Year's Day that I would not live another day in fear. With my permission, my husband went back on Tinder and OKCupid, and met someone. I'll call her "Kate".

I told him I needed him to take it slowly, and he was wonderful and said that was fine. He said all the right things; that "no one was worth" losing me over. still suffer from PTSD from all the trauma; just hearing his phone "ding" and seeing him holding it and texting his mother even was causing major distress to me. 

But I worked through it. And all this started way before I met Blondie. I wasn't seeing anyone, and here it was his turn for some attention. I did feel a lot of guilt that it was one-sided, but it was mixed with quite a bit of indignation in the form of "you should feel so fucking lucky you have ME!! How dare you want anyone else???!!!" 

But the REAL breakthroughs came when I went to California by myself in January this year. I spent a lot of time on the beach; the very beaches I grew up on that welcome me back every time with open arms. I had some epiphanies during my time on the sand: I ran every day, I played in the water, I meditated, I cried, I sat and watched the surfers, I gazed at the cute little sandpipers running back and forth with the waves, poking their long, skinny beaks into the sand for food. I took a zillion pictures. I never wanted to leave. I just wanted to curl up in the sun and sleep. I realized how eternal the ocean is--that it was here long before me. That is was there for me when I was growing up, and every time I return, it welcomes me with open arms and all it's grandeur and love. And long after I'm gone, it will still be there, giving its love to everyone who comes and seeks joy on her shores. 

I burst into tears when I realized that this is the love my husband gives me. It's eternal, it is unconditional, and what is MY love???!! The opposite!! It was quite a moment. I decided right then and there on my beach that I would try to love him the way he loves me. Starting right now.

Add to that, I met HH two days later, and I had such a fun time with him. And I continued to think, "I could fall in love with HH and would it diminish what I feel for my H (husband)?" And the answer is no. And he loves me enough to allow me to be whoever I need to be to be true to myself! Don't I want that for HIM??!! I would never get to that place if he had a leash on me the way I've had a leash on him. 

What I left out is, when I left for California, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. The worst I'd had in a long time. All I thought about night and day was him and Kate.  I'd "allowed" him to go on 5 dates with her!!! Nothing had yet happened aside from one kiss which made me go ballistic. I wanted desperately to be "ok" with them fucking but was holding the leash on them. I had been going to hypnosis also to try to re-program my brain from the trauma of being cheated on. It was helping but I still couldn't get there. 

I even made the effort to meet Kate and indeed we met her for drinks. I needed to try harder. Because my husband deserved it. He was trying so hard to do the right thing. She was SO nice, SO respectful, and we ended up being friends. Not BFF's mind you. But I believed her when she said she loves her husband and isn't looking to replace him with my H. I felt so good about her I invited her to come to our band's gig the following week.

And she came, and when I saw her, I was actually happy for my H. It was HUGE. Huge progress for me to see them standing together, body language showing interest in one another and thinking about my husband being naked with another woman. I had a few bad moments but I realized I could get past them.

So I was getting there, but increasing was my anxiety over "letting them" actually fuck. They weren't pressuring me for permission thankfully--the pressure came from within me. I was convinced that if they did, I would go into a full-on PTSD rage and I'd want to divorce him, and he was so scared that would happen, he said he had all but lost interest in her or anyone. 

So by the time I left for California, I was so worked up with anxiety about it all. I wanted so desperately to be a different person than I was. And I was trying so fucking hard to get there! What was my fucking problem??? The trauma. The cheating. It does REAL damage folks. Until you've been there, you have NO IDEA. And I had come a long way with all my therapy and meds, but still, the PTSD is REAL. And it can be REAL BAD.

When I returned from my trip, I felt like I had truly healed. My ocean, my beach healed me.

I told my H all about my epiphanies and of course he was happy for me but distrustful that it would last. And I can't honestly say he isn't right, but I am trying very hard.

The very next week he had to travel there himself for work and I suggested he look up "Ling-Ling" (not her real name) and see if she was interested in hooking up. She did want to see him! He met her at her work in downtown LA and they went out to dinner. It was about a four-hour date; it didn't end in sex, only a hug but they had a great time. I was actually totally fine the whole time bc my H was texting me the whole time, checking in with me frequently. He was so scared of doing the wrong thing.And he contacted her again last week when he was in LA again and she stood him up, but continued to send him sexy pics of herself and say "next time".

Enter Blondie.

Meeting him has made me appreciate my H even more. He is so supportive of our relationship because, and I quote, "he makes you happy."

I want to love him that much. And it has made me question so many things about myself, marriage, and all that stuff. But that's for another blog.

And when we were in LA last week together, we were at the hotel bar (Sunset Marquis mind you, not just your "average" hotel bar) and we were getting hammered. I was making out with some hot model and I realized later my H was making out with some older woman at the same time! We laughed about it later. We were both okay.

I had to fly home the following day and he stayed for work, and I told him to see if Ling-Ling was interested in seeing him. They texted back and forth, but ultimately, she was apparently too busy once again, but she IS still interested in taking things further and they have a tentative hook-up date for early April when he travels there again.

I know Kate has shown renewed interest in him as well, and my thing was always, "don't fuck JUST her", which is why I kept encouraging him to see Ling-Ling in California too. I was so worried about him falling in love with Kate and I thought if he had more than one woman that would be less likely to happen.

How silly I've been.

Being with Blondie has opened my eyes to a different perspective on things in so many ways. And of course, a lot of it is in the abstract bc it hasn't happened yet. My husband has NOT fucked another woman since September 2011. And I know he's super conflicted about it.

The night we were at the Sunset Marquis and we'd both been making out with other people, we got separated from each other and found each other by one of the outdoor pools. I can't remember a time when we were that drunk. I was mostly giggly (I get like that) but he was almost desperate. He was so upset at what he had done and was beside himself. When we talked the next day, I realized it was bc he hadn't had a chance to ASK me if he could make out with this woman. He felt like he'd cheated on me again and he was just sick about it. He stopped himself from going to her hotel room by getting up and leaving the bar when she said she had to go use the restroom. He came to find me and was scared when he couldn't find me initially.

I said to stop worrying, it was fine. Even though he was drunk, he stopped himself from fucking her. I was proud of him. And if he hadn't?? I guess I would've freaked out! He's right!! But maybe not, bc Blondie and I had just had two amazing dates before our trip and we were texting the whole time I was there. I've been in La-La Land ever since and it's like nothing bothers me now! I'm floating up above and sharing the loving feeling as if I were a hippy on acid. Love, love, love, like the Beatles song.

I realized later too, that my H has really no rules or leash on me. I have to be the same for him. I WANT to be the same way.

If I want to fuck someone, I just tell him. BEFORE I do anything. And that's really our only rule. Let each other know BEFORE anything happens. But then like that Saturday night at the Marquis, sometimes, you get into a compromising situation and the request for permission doesn't happen. I have to be forgiving and flexible.  I have to know my husband's heart. It's called TRUST.

And I can truly say, four years after D-day, that he has earned that trust back.

11 reasons why your next girlfriend should be a hotwife

This is for all my lovlies out there! I've been writing this in my head all day.

I'm sure you've heard of the term, "MILF" (Mom-I'd-Like-to-Fuck). When you think of a MILF, you think of the hot married soccer mom who doesn't have a clue how hot she really is. She's oblivious to her hotness as she does her maternal, parental duties, as you, the young hunk, masturbates at home wishing she saw the way you looked at her. And most likely, she's married to an Alpha male who would see the way you look at her and punch you in the face for it.

Now, imagine that married MILF being your girlfriend.

That's what a Hotwife is. 

That's what I am.

A hotwife is really just a MILF whose husband not only "allows" her to have sex with other men, he gets off on it. Sometimes, said husband will want to either participate as a threesome or just watch. In our case, it can be either of those, as well as me being alone with another guy: in our home, at his place, or on a get-away alone with him. Sometimes, the husband won't want details, but rather, a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Either way, a Hotwife is the MILF of your dreams, because you can have her.

I wasn't always a hotwife. I was a MILF first. Of course, MILF's don't usually know they are MILF's. When Mickey gave me that first long gaze back in 2004 was when I became aware I was a MILF. He was 19 years old, and I knew I was old enough to be his mom. But that didn't bother him in the least; in fact, he'd confided in me he'd always wanted to fuck a much-older woman. In time I began to realize how many really young guys love older women, and in fact, PREFER US TO THEIR YOUNGER COUNTERPARTS. 

I thought it would be fun and informative to write about why YOUR next girlfriend should be a hotwife!!

1. She's great in bed. She loves sex.  A hotwife is not going to be shy, coy, or a cold fish in bed. She is proud of her body and can't wait to show it off to you. She will tell you what she likes and what she doesn't like. She loves to please and speaking for myself, I LOVE to give blowjobs. My young guys tell me these girls half my age suck their dicks for like 30 seconds and they're done cuz they just don't know what to do "down there." She has a variety of toys and isn't embarrassed to use them in front of you. Or on you. Or go to a sex store and get more to play with you. You bring out the kink in her she never knew existed. She will be the best lover you've ever had, and you will be hers. 

2. She can't/doesn't want to get pregnant. A Hotwife usually already has kids of her own. The LAST thing she wants is more! She's getting her groove on and more kids would cause her now exciting sex life to come to a complete halt. Think about all the carefree fucking you can do and never worry about making a baby. 

3. She doesn't want to marry you.  All the young guys I've been with tell me the same thing over and over--these young girls expect a ring if they sleep with them. A Hotwife is already married. You get all the benefits without any of the responsibility. It's what you've always wanted--JUST SEX. AND LOTS OF IT.

4. She's got time for you. A hotwife's kids are usually in high school or college and she's got all day alone in that big house of hers to see you. Want to take an impromptu trip to Vegas? Her hubby won't mind! She can afford for both your plane AND hotel room tickets.

5. She's got the money to take care of herself. And this translates into, SHE LOOKS HOT AND SHE KNOWS IT. A Hotwife has a membership at the most expensive gym in town, and actually goes. OFTEN. She will get a boob job, Botox, designer jeans, expensive facials and mani-pedis, and probably Brazilian waxes too. She is unabashed about this and she'll be the one showing you her new tits in the bathroom. You know already she ages well; she's had babies and still has a flat stomach and a firm butt. Can't say the same for your millenial co-workers. 

6. If she likes you, she will shower you with more than affection. I have been known to pay for airline tickets, concerts, dinners, money, shopping trips, gifts, you name it, to one lover in particular. A hotwife will never forget your birthday, and since money is no object, expect to receive something you've been wanting but think you'll never be able to afford. And since she's already married, you don't have to worry about who-visits-who on major holidays. You know she's going to be too busy for you, BUT with some planning, she WILL make time to see you. And you'll get your present all right. Naked. 

7. She will be discreet. Unless my guy sends ME a friend request, we won't be Facebook friends, but we will be Snapchat or KIK friends. If we are more than that, than we two have a relationship that is very special indeed. I was always Mickeys' "dirty little secret" which was fine for the first 8 years then it was like, "really?? Still pretending you don't know me?" And this was after he met my kids and stayed in my guest room for a week. It began to hurt my feelings. Then I felt less like a hotwife and more like a whore. A hotwife is proud to be your lover and doesn't mind if the whole world knows, but respects that maybe your mom wouldn't approve. 

8. Even if she says the "L-word" (love) she loves her husband more. I tend to fall in love with the guys I have sex with, which is why I'm so picky. I have only been with a handful of guys in the 12 years I've been a hotwife, and I love them all. When any of them call/text and want to see me, I drop everything and squeeze them into my life. And I would do anything for them. They know this and it's reciprocal. My lovers are some of the best friends I have. We can talk freely about anything and everything, since I am the least judgmental person they know. And since we have no mutual friends, I am also the least threatening person they know. I feel safe with them, and they feel safe with me.

9. She's fun to be around. Because there's little or no expectations, you can be yourself around her. Like number 8 above, you can be as freaky as you want with her and she will not laugh in your face or tell you to "grow up" or "that's weird" or anything like that. She sees a side of you no one else gets to see, and that's the ultimate thrill for a hotwife. Seeing your "O" face is what she lives for. That, and, number 10.

10. She's multi-orgasmic.  Since she's so comfortable with her body (read "no hang-ups") she knows what she likes. I've had my young guys tell me the young girls they've been with "hate oral sex" and worse, hate giving oral sex to THEM. They worry about the way they look; they obsess about the way their breasts bounce or if their stomach is flat enough, while I'm obsessing over your sexy, naked body and making sure I don't miss an inch. I'm ready to go, and once you've recovered, I'm ready to go again. A hotwife doesn't get tired of fucking and will NEVER get bored and want you to "hurry up and cum cuz I've got stuff to do today." A hotwife focuses on YOU. She's not thinking about her grocery list while she's sucking your dick. 

11. Compliments will get you everywhere. You don't have to text us every day. Hell, once a week will do just nicely, thank you. But make sure you keep telling us how great we are in bed, what you want to do to us next time, and how beautiful/hot you think we are. If you don't, we will lose interest, and like the proverbial bus, there are plenty of hot guys out there in line waiting for you to step aside. Remember, a hotwife is already married. She's just looking for a little fun on the side, maybe someone hot and wonderful enough to stick around and be more than just a side dish. If she's not getting enough herself, she'll drop you like a hot potato and you won't get a second chance. 

Now, go out and get yourself a hotwife and have fun! Make sure you get yourself tested first---she'll want to go bareback--I know I like it better that way. 

Love, 
Anna XO