This will be the most honest blog post I've ever written.
I haven't written anything here since November....????!! I guess you can say I've been a bit busy.
I'm still seeing "James", who I will call "Jesus" going forward bc that's my nickname for him with my friends bc well, he looks like Jesus. Long flowing black hair, bright blue eyes, perfect white teeth and the one-inch or so full beard. He's truly beautiful.
It's been 4-1/2 months we've been seeing each other now, and my life has completely turned upside down. We began seeing each other every Thursday night and with the exception of last night, I've spent the night with him every single Thursday night since we met November 7th.
My hubby hasn't dealt with this well at all (understandably).
In the poly community, they'd call what I have with Jesus "NRE" or "new relationship energy" which is something to be "managed". So for the last four and a half months, I've been head-over-heels for this new guy, and my marriage has taken quite a beating. My husband and I have fought nearly every single day. For a guy that is never jealous, this has caught him quite by surprise.
Early on, things came out of my mouth that shocked the both of us. I said things like, "if you make me choose between you or Jesus, I will choose Jesus." After 26 years of marriage??? Yes. I truly felt that way.
And I still do. How the fuck can he possibly stay with me?
I think he just knows me better than I know myself. I think he knows it's some sort of mid-life crisis. I mean come on. My boyfriend is 26 years old. I'm twice his age. It can't "go" anywhere. He wants a wife and kids someday. And he should have that.
And yes, he calls me his girlfriend. I love it. He even commented on a coffee cup I have that says, "good morning gorgeous" that it was "trying to steal my girlfriend" haha. So cute.
We are in love. I said it to him first, and he says it back now. I told my husband I'm not in love with him anymore. But I DO still love him. But not the way he deserves to be loved.
We've almost split up several times now. We've had the most ferocious arguments. He's tried harder than anyone else ever would to tolerate this behavior of mine and try to ride it out. Sometimes he's done quite well while I was staying overnight at Jesus' house, and other times, he would panic and freak out, calling me, or smashing something at home, or getting black-out drunk to try to cope. Once a couple weeks ago we were on a double date with him and he got so verbally and physically abusive he was thrown out of the club. Jesus told me he "never wanted to see his face again". My best girlfriend is done with him too. And me?? I was done and made him sleep in the guest room. And then I took him back two days later.
He begged for a second chance, which actually, is a third chance (bc of the cheating). I felt like the marriage deserved it. And he does too. He's so remorseful, he totally owns how he behaved. But I had to make him see that just bc I will forgive him doesn't mean my boyfriend or best friend will. He says he was black-out drunk and barely remembers it, but he doesn't minimize its effect on us.
And now Jesus won't come to my gigs. And husband knows it's bc of him being in the band. He feels terrible about it but it is what it is.
I went and looked at an apartment and told Jesus all about it. At the time I saw it, I had every intention of moving there alone. I was so hurt and angry at my husband for his behavior. Since then he's worn me down and made me feel compassion instead of anger. It's bc he just kept so many emotions and jealousy under the surface and seeing the two of us together just boiled over for him he said.
"It's still no excuse" he says. He is taking ownership of it. But I can't get his mean angry face out of my head. The finger in my face saying, "FUCK YOU" over and over again. Pushing me. Seeing my boyfriend jump off a barstool to defend me.
So here we are now, boyfriend and I are doing quite well but something is off. I had to tell him I was giving my husband another chance. I can't lie or pretend I'm divorcing him if I'm not. And it seems he may be pulling back. Our sex life isn't what it used to be. Other than that little thing LOL our relationship seems perfectly fine. My husband went out of town for work this week and I had Jesus over for 3 days. We didn't even leave the house one day. We laugh and talk and cuddle and get along so well, but not enough sex tbh. I have been trying to get up the courage to ask him about it but have failed. The night I was going to try we both got stoned and drunk (kind of what we do lately) and he waxed poetic about how he loves me and told all his friends about me and how they all want their own "MILFY" (his nickname for me). How I take such good care of him. How happy he is. How he'd "do anything" for me.
And he's sooooooo affectionate. He is very gentle and kind and I've never seen him upset or complain about anything. We are twins that way. We really are so much alike. Even when my husband was in his face he just said, "Dude, go home". He said he really wanted to punch him but he wouldn't do that bc of me. And my husband yelled to him, "SHE LOVES YOU. SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME. YOU CAN HAVE HER!!" and that he wants a divorce. He says he doesn't want one so why would he say that? Bc he was "trying to get my attention." He sure got it alright.
So idk really what I want---my husband and I both drank the Poly kool-aid through and through and I just don't know if I can manage two relationships at the same time. I think for it to truly work you have to feel the same way about both people. I don't. And that's where my husbands' jealousy comes from. He knows I don't feel the same way about him anymore.
Will I ever?? Things are better right now. We even had sex. But he said I was crying for Jesus the whole time. How sad and pathetic is that?? What the fuck. I do know this partying is getting out of control. It's fun until it isn't.
We are both in therapy and I've called a couple's counselor my therapist recommended but she's out on surgery leave and we are getting impatient. I don't know what's going to happen. I really can't think properly anymore. There's so much drama and emotion going on 24/7.
We are going to Singapore next week. My husband has factories there and I'm tagging along finally. He wanted to get a ticket for Jesus and I just thought it was a bad idea. It was a very hard decision but I still think it was for the best. I will have one day on my own there as well as a 15 hour flight home. I need the alone time to think about what I want. I am looking forward to the trip and when I get back, hubby will still be gone for an additional 4 days I can have Jesus over.
Anyways, this is why you haven't heard from me for awhile. Things have been so crazy. I'm very happy, happier than I've been in a long time, and it hurts so much to know I'm causing my husband so much pain.
Will keep you posted.
Love always,
Anna xoxoxoxox
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Friday, March 22, 2019
Friday, January 5, 2018
Indescribably delicious
I just got home after dropping Blondie off at his apartment.
I have to write this all down so I don't forget anything.
And yes, it was A M A Z I N G.
Sigh.
He's literally loading everything he owns into a small driveable U-Haul as I write this and moving five hours away tomorrow morning.
He's made a mess of his life. He's moving back in with his mom with his proverbial tail between his legs.
Over the course of the last couple of weeks he apparently pissed off his girlfriend, went to Mexico on vacation with a group of friends, then lipped off to his boss which got him fired. Which rendered him homeless, since he worked maintenance at an apartment complex and got a reduced rent there. He had moved out of his old place two months ago to get a bigger place in the same complex with his girlfriend but she (apparently) kicked him out. In addition, he got a DUI in May when he got in a wreck so there's that. So he is jobless and car-less and homeless, and moving in with his mother and his step-dad for "least a year" to get his shit together. "Maybe go back to school".
So he'd announced his plans to move on a Facebook post yesterday (leaving out the "pissing off" everyone part). It must've been shocking to his friends bc last I looked, he'd had about 53 likes and sad faces and hearts and about 25 comments or more from well-wishers. He's made announcements like this before but never with a target date, so I knew he was serious. I also was privy to the fact that he was in a desperate situation bc he'd written me a few days ago asking if I would take his beloved cat while he looked for a place to live. And just as my hubby and I were discussing how we'd make that work, Blondie wrote me he was going to "try to make it work" with his ex-GF and so I wouldn't need to take his kitty after all. Raise me up and drop me, that's Blondie's MO. My BFF said, "what a douche!!!" But I know him better. He's not a douche. He's a hot mess, he doesn't know what he wants and so he's just grabbing onto anything that will stick. He's got a huge heart and hates more than anything to let anyone down, let alone hurt someone, but the truth is, he ends up hurting everyone including himself. He didn't end up with many options I guess.
I knew I had to see him and say goodbye. Five hours away might as well be five states, or five countries away as far as I was concerned. So I wrote him and asked if he was really moving and he responded right away, "yes I am". I told him I had something for him, and he responded by asking me "are YOU the gift??" with a wink emoticon. I couldn't believe it! Was he actually flirting with me?? I mean, this is the guy I've rarely spoken to for over a year because he "can't talk to me anymore". I felt myself getting excited and my hopes up. We messaged back and forth and he finally asked me if I could pick him up at 10 am.
I think you know the answer to that question!!!!
He confirmed this morning around 9:15, which honestly still surprised me, bc he's known for being a super big flake. I gave it less than a 50% chance we'd really see each other today. I expected him to say he had too much to do, blah blah blah, but he didn't.
I was sooo nervous. I looked back on these posts before I left to see when was the last time I'd seen him. Dec. 8, 2016. More than a year ago. And although we're Facebook friends and have had some communication here and there, it's been very infrequent, so seeing him today, let alone having sex with him gave me butterflies! So much time had passed, and yet another girlfriend fiasco.What if I wasn't attracted to him anymore? I had told my BFF that looking at his pics online I felt warm towards him but my lady bits weren't really tingly.
Maybe I just needed to see him in person.
I wanted to chug a couple of vanilla vodka shots but I had to drive. I really could've used some liquid courage. I drove up to his apartment, saw the U-Haul, and parked across from it. And I was just putting the car into gear when I saw him hurrying in the cold to my car, and he got in. We were all smiles. We grabbed each other in a huge bear hug and didn't let go. He looked absolutely the same to me. Super long blonde mane with a black knit hat, those blue eyes behind dorky, broken black glasses that he pointed out to me later he'd super-glued in one spot. A sexy few days' ginger stubble.
Finally we parted, and I said, "I just can't believe you're really sitting here in my car!" He agreed. We talked about how long it had been--I didn't divulge the exact date--but we agreed it had been way too long.
As I drove us back to my house, he told me about his upcoming move, how he got to this point. The remark to his boss (he didn't say what it was), the break-up with the GF (he shared no details) having literally nowhere to go but his mother's, which was not exactly what he had planned for himself. He has the realization that he caused all of this. He is the common denominator. Later on when the opportunity presented itself, I said to him how he must not really want (these things) or he wouldn't sabotage them. He said about us, "we could've gone so far". Um yep we could have Blondie. You stopped it. NOT me.
On the drive to my house he commented on my cute car, how it's "so me". I currently have reindeer antlers in the windows and a red puffy "nose" on the hood grill, and I was telling him I should design Minnie Mouse ears for each window and a red bow for the hood. He smiled and said, "you so should!!!!" and then he got quiet and I looked at him again, and he said, "I tried to be your Mickey".
LUMP IN THROAT!!!!!! WHAT DID HE JUST SAY????!!!!! HE TRIED TO BE MY MICKEY??!
WHAT DID THIS MEAN????!! OH MY GOD!!
I couldn't even react. I didn't say anything. The words just hung in the air as if they were big fluffy snowflakes drifting sideways. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it. I felt an electric shock go through me.
Finally I pulled my car into my garage, and he went bounding into the house like a puppy. He kicked off his shoes and my dog ran over to him to say hi. He excitedly said his name and gave my dog affection. Then he saw one of my cats on the back of the couch, went over to her and addressed her by name too, and pet her lovingly. He remembered their names. I thought that was sweet.
It was a little awkward, and I honestly wasn't sure he wanted sex! Nor did I! I had my guard up. I didn't want to start liking him too much again. I was so glad how I really had gotten over him completely. Well, maybe I hadn't, because I'm the one that reached out to HIM to "say goodbye".
I mostly felt a longing for him. I was excited but sad at the same time, because so much time had passed, and he was moving! It was almost like, "why are we doing this? What's the point??" The chemistry was definitely very much there.He seemed very distracted by his thoughts, moving and all, so I started with asking him if I could get him anything. He said he was fine. I had a few things I had gotten him (souvenirs) I'd never given him so I suggested we go into the kitchen and I gave them to him. I told him laughingly that it seemed every time I'd gotten him something, he would write me and say he couldn't talk to me bc he had this new GF so it seemed they were bad luck charms! His face got sad and he looked down and said, "I'm so sorry", and I said lightly, "that's ok". I made a joke of it. He loved them though. He seemed very moved.
I told him how I noticed in his Facebook pics of his trip to Mexico, he's wearing the tank top I got him so long ago. He said excitedly, "That's my favorite shirt!!!" We both beamed.
We awkwardly stood in the kitchen looking at each other, smiling, and he was kind of floating and twirling around, and I finally said, "what do you want to do?" He said, "ANYTHING!! I'm up for anything!" and he came over and hugged me tightly, and I felt his hard dick pressed up against me as he held me. He pulled away slightly and began to kiss me deeply. Mmmm it was delish. Then he let go and skipped down the hall towards the staircase, and pointed up with a devilish grin, his eyebrows asking me, "can we go up here??" I laughed and followed him. I reminded him of when he was on crutches and leapt up and down them previously. He smiled at the memory and said, "oh YEAH!!! I REMEMBER THAT!!!" He stopped at the top of the stairs to pet my other cat, and it was so cute how he remembered his name too.
He made a bee-line into my bedroom next, and plopped himself down on my bed like he owned it. Fully clothed. I said I had to get the ambiance "just right" and he joked, "ABSOLUTELY!!" I lit a candle and looked for a playlist on my phone, and turned on the bluetooth speaker. I told him how I was going to buy him tickets to his favorite group Odesa for his birthday but he went back to his girlfriend so I didn't buy them. He said, "oh my god were you going to take me??" I said, "Of course! They were playing in Madison the day before your birthday!" He put his arm across his face and said, "oh my god, wow, really? sigh". Yep Blondie, you missed out.
He beckoned me, "come over here!" and I obeyed. I laid down next to him; he put his arms around me and just hugged me again. So tightly. And hugging led to kissing, and next his hand was slowly caressing my leg, my butt, my back, every part of me. Like I was a Ferrari, you know? Have you ever touched a Ferrari?? You stroke it gently, lovingly, not wanting to scratch it. It's the most unbelievable thing you've ever seen and can't believe you're touching it. Every inch of it is a miraculous thing to behold. That's how I felt. Like a prized luxury car.
Or a Queen.
Somehow I managed to squeeze in saying, "Groping through clothes is the best! don't you think?" And he purred in agreement and kept on touching me, till finally all I wanted to do was rip our clothes off. So that's what we did ;) Blondie unzipped his pants and pulled them down to show me his welcoming big, thick stiff dick and smiled. I swiveled around and took off my socks one-by-one, my leggings, and then my top and just had on a matching silver bra and thong. He pulled off his sweater and shirt and voila, there was a fully naked Blondie in my bed. I told him I just couldn't believe he was there. He said softly, "me neither!", and everything accelerated from there...
He was passionate without being grabby. I'd forgotten what a great lover he is, and I mean specifically in that way. He's very passionate, not grabby at all, in fact, he is SO not goal-oriented at all. I feel like he makes love, not "has sex" with me. Everything that happens is organic. He doesn't really talk except to moan or say my name as he's moaning. One time I was on top of him and he was fucking me hard from underneath him, and he slowed himself down and told me, "close your eyes. I want you to FEEL ME." and I did. And once again he said it, "feel me". And as soon as I let myself feel him with my eyes closed, I burst into tears. I was feeling too much. I made myself stop as quickly as I could so he wouldn't see.
After that amazing move, he moved me gently off of him and laid my down next to him, spooning. He caressed my body and his hand moved down to insert his fingers into my vagina and I swear he got me really turned on that way. Like everything else he does, it was slow and sensual. I loved it. Some guys just jam their fingers in you and think you like that (insert laughing-till-crying emoji here). He doesn't do that. He's gentle. It's like he caresses the outside of my pussy while he's putting them inside all at the same time. It feels amazing. And he doesn't "feel around in there" like he's looking for a lost penny. (Why do guys do that???) I wish I could tell him all this!
He flipped me over and fucked me hard on top. I loved the eye contact. That's the best. So intense. I hate when guys have their eyes closed more than they're looking at you bc otherwise it feels like they're just fantasizing about some other chick (or porn) while I'm the one who's naked. He would fuck me hard and as he did, that long blonde mane would hang down and I'd grab it and pull on it, or brush it out of his face. And my favorite is when he'd flip it himself out of the way. Just like a fucking sexy caveman. GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I ordered him, "FUCK ME BLONDIE!! FUCK ME HARD!!!' He brought out the animal in me.
I straddled him and climbed on him so that I put my pussy right in his face. He ate me out appreciatively, and I then moved down and "tittie-fucked" him. He said he'd never done that before! I thought about his ex-girlfriends' A-cup tits and said, "you gotta have big ones for it!" LOL I rubbed my pussy on his thigh and told him I was going to dry-hump him and we were both going to cum like that. We almost did. Almost. It was naughty and fun.
Then I just gave him the royal treatment. I licked him up and down slowly and gently, avoiding his dick, up and around his balls, the inside of his thighs, his tummy, and stroked him gently with my hands while he laid there alternatively watching and not, his eyes closed in ecstasy. He moaned my name over and over. Finally I took his dick in my mouth and teased the tip, making it super wet with my saliva. He squirmed in delight and grabbed me by my hair and pulled it hard, pulling me on top of him, sticking that big fat cock of his inside me and fucking me so hard he came. I loved it when he said, "omg (my name) I'm coming" with that orgasmic "O" face. What's more fun than seeing THAT??!!
Another thing I love about sex with Blondie is he stays rock hard after he comes, and we just keep fucking. We don't stop. Usually he comes again within minutes, but this time he didn't. He slowed down and I felt him pull himself out, his hands on my torso, and he laid me gently down next to him. I got up and got us a towel, and he was smiling and saying, "OH MY GODDDD" over and over. Then he said, "Come back", and reached for me and held me. I wanted to keep it light so at some point I said, "do you remember the jalapeno incident??" And he laughed so loud and hard. "YESSSS!!!! OH MY GOD!!" We both laughed.
His dick was still straight up in the air like a ruler and I was still super turned on. He asked me to keep touching it (my pleasure!!! LOL) and I dribbled a little bit of lube on it and he purred, "mmm perfect" and we touched it together. I was so ready to keep fucking. I still hadn't come. I got so close so many times but I hadn't. We laid there playing with his cock for a little while, then unfortunately, he took our hands off and apologized for stopping. He said he was "distracted" by all the stuff he has to do, and he's also emotional about the move and all. Would I just hold him? ("consolation prize") LOL
It was all good though, because we talked. And he said some amazing things to me. He said he felt like we have such a strong connection, he feels we will always see each other again. I agreed. I said, "I now have total faith that I will see you again." And I do. And then I took a risk and said, "you know, I don't even really get jealous when you have a girlfriend bc I want you to be happy. I just hate that you cut me out when you do. Because I'm your friend first." He said, "I know, I'm sorry". I said, "you know Blondie, there are girls out there who will understand. You just have to know what you want and tell them." He said, "I know, I know." I felt like I was lecturing him but I had to get it out. This was my last chance. I said further, "you've gone through how many girlfriends now and look at us! Even when you have a girlfriend we still have that connection Blondie!" He was holding me as we were talking, naked and warm, and it was intense and emotional. "I know! I know!" he agreed. "you're so right!" So I said, "you can have both. You just have to know what you want and ask for it." I wanted him to know it IS possible. We laid there, just holding each other. I said, "that's what I have. We have a great marriage" then realized I needed to lighten up and said, "everyone should be like this because it's so awesome!" We laughed and he kissed me and snuggled me to let me know everything was all right. It was perfect.
He said he was hungry and was craving "Arby's". Said he saw it on the way over and so we decided we'd get it for him, so after a bit I proclaimed, "let's go!". He looked at me like he was making mental note of my face, the way you see them do in the movies when that person knows they're never going to see you again. I melted and said, "one last naked hug! Because naked hugs are the BEST!!!" and that's what we did. We held each other, neither wanting to let go. And then it occurred to me, 'TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE ANNA!!!!" And he's always let me take lots of pics so I said, "Selfie???" and he said, "sure!!!" So I took two selfie pics of us "for posterity". He trust me completely.
We kissed, then got up and dressed, and he was done first and wandered into my bathroom and just looked around. He saw the Minnie Mouse framed pic he'd given me and commented on it. He said, "You ARE Minnie" with a smile. We went downstairs and he gave a look around like it was the last time he'd ever see it, and we left. He took my hand and didn't want to let go; he intertwined his fingers with mine and since I have a stick shift, I was driving with my left hand and taking it off the wheel to shift with it. So we didn't have to let go. I commented, "I've never done this! It's tricky!" but his face was calm like he was just feeling it all, not like I was doing anything as extraordinary as this. I loved how he just didn't want to let go.
We didn't unlink our hands until we stopped at Arby's, and he fed me curly fries all the way to his apartment. One time I bit his finger and he smiled, and once he left his finger in my mouth for me to suck it. It was so hot! We joked and laughed about nothing I can remember now, but it was awesome. Like we were on a date--one of the dates we'd never gotten to go on.
When I licked his fingers, I told him it reminded me of how much I miss him cooking for me. I said, "I loved it when you took a piece of the chicken and licked off the sauce and fed it to your kitty. I thought that was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen." He said, "aw, well he's a great cat." I just smiled.
We finally got to his apartment building and saw the U-Haul again. I thought he said, "come in for a bit" and I was excited! I said, "I get to say goodbye to your kitty??" He said, "oh no, he's not here. He's at my co-worker's where I've been staying the last few days." I said, "Oh! Awww" sadly. I followed him to the U-Haul where he opened up the door, put in the bag of food and the bag of souvenirs I'd gotten him, and he turned and faced me and said, "this is it!" He said something about having to go see his ex-co-worker who he was living with; he was going to get him so he could help him move more of his things. "Oh", I said, a little deflated bc I'd apparently misunderstood him. He just stared at me, and I smiled and said, "well best of luck Blondie, drive safe, keep in touch" and he said, "I will Anna, I will". We kissed a deep longing kiss, parted, and he said, "thank you for everything Anna. I appreciate you so much". I said, stupidly, "thank YOU honey" and felt instantly stupid and like "what the fuck did I say honey for???" I went up on my tip toes and kissed him again, and I turned and walked to my car.
I got in and as I put the car in gear, I saw him drive past me on the street, not looking back.
I have to write this all down so I don't forget anything.
And yes, it was A M A Z I N G.
Sigh.
He's literally loading everything he owns into a small driveable U-Haul as I write this and moving five hours away tomorrow morning.
He's made a mess of his life. He's moving back in with his mom with his proverbial tail between his legs.
Over the course of the last couple of weeks he apparently pissed off his girlfriend, went to Mexico on vacation with a group of friends, then lipped off to his boss which got him fired. Which rendered him homeless, since he worked maintenance at an apartment complex and got a reduced rent there. He had moved out of his old place two months ago to get a bigger place in the same complex with his girlfriend but she (apparently) kicked him out. In addition, he got a DUI in May when he got in a wreck so there's that. So he is jobless and car-less and homeless, and moving in with his mother and his step-dad for "least a year" to get his shit together. "Maybe go back to school".
So he'd announced his plans to move on a Facebook post yesterday (leaving out the "pissing off" everyone part). It must've been shocking to his friends bc last I looked, he'd had about 53 likes and sad faces and hearts and about 25 comments or more from well-wishers. He's made announcements like this before but never with a target date, so I knew he was serious. I also was privy to the fact that he was in a desperate situation bc he'd written me a few days ago asking if I would take his beloved cat while he looked for a place to live. And just as my hubby and I were discussing how we'd make that work, Blondie wrote me he was going to "try to make it work" with his ex-GF and so I wouldn't need to take his kitty after all. Raise me up and drop me, that's Blondie's MO. My BFF said, "what a douche!!!" But I know him better. He's not a douche. He's a hot mess, he doesn't know what he wants and so he's just grabbing onto anything that will stick. He's got a huge heart and hates more than anything to let anyone down, let alone hurt someone, but the truth is, he ends up hurting everyone including himself. He didn't end up with many options I guess.
I knew I had to see him and say goodbye. Five hours away might as well be five states, or five countries away as far as I was concerned. So I wrote him and asked if he was really moving and he responded right away, "yes I am". I told him I had something for him, and he responded by asking me "are YOU the gift??" with a wink emoticon. I couldn't believe it! Was he actually flirting with me?? I mean, this is the guy I've rarely spoken to for over a year because he "can't talk to me anymore". I felt myself getting excited and my hopes up. We messaged back and forth and he finally asked me if I could pick him up at 10 am.
I think you know the answer to that question!!!!
He confirmed this morning around 9:15, which honestly still surprised me, bc he's known for being a super big flake. I gave it less than a 50% chance we'd really see each other today. I expected him to say he had too much to do, blah blah blah, but he didn't.
I was sooo nervous. I looked back on these posts before I left to see when was the last time I'd seen him. Dec. 8, 2016. More than a year ago. And although we're Facebook friends and have had some communication here and there, it's been very infrequent, so seeing him today, let alone having sex with him gave me butterflies! So much time had passed, and yet another girlfriend fiasco.What if I wasn't attracted to him anymore? I had told my BFF that looking at his pics online I felt warm towards him but my lady bits weren't really tingly.
Maybe I just needed to see him in person.
*******
Finally we parted, and I said, "I just can't believe you're really sitting here in my car!" He agreed. We talked about how long it had been--I didn't divulge the exact date--but we agreed it had been way too long.
As I drove us back to my house, he told me about his upcoming move, how he got to this point. The remark to his boss (he didn't say what it was), the break-up with the GF (he shared no details) having literally nowhere to go but his mother's, which was not exactly what he had planned for himself. He has the realization that he caused all of this. He is the common denominator. Later on when the opportunity presented itself, I said to him how he must not really want (these things) or he wouldn't sabotage them. He said about us, "we could've gone so far". Um yep we could have Blondie. You stopped it. NOT me.
On the drive to my house he commented on my cute car, how it's "so me". I currently have reindeer antlers in the windows and a red puffy "nose" on the hood grill, and I was telling him I should design Minnie Mouse ears for each window and a red bow for the hood. He smiled and said, "you so should!!!!" and then he got quiet and I looked at him again, and he said, "I tried to be your Mickey".
LUMP IN THROAT!!!!!! WHAT DID HE JUST SAY????!!!!! HE TRIED TO BE MY MICKEY??!
WHAT DID THIS MEAN????!! OH MY GOD!!
I couldn't even react. I didn't say anything. The words just hung in the air as if they were big fluffy snowflakes drifting sideways. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it. I felt an electric shock go through me.
Finally I pulled my car into my garage, and he went bounding into the house like a puppy. He kicked off his shoes and my dog ran over to him to say hi. He excitedly said his name and gave my dog affection. Then he saw one of my cats on the back of the couch, went over to her and addressed her by name too, and pet her lovingly. He remembered their names. I thought that was sweet.
It was a little awkward, and I honestly wasn't sure he wanted sex! Nor did I! I had my guard up. I didn't want to start liking him too much again. I was so glad how I really had gotten over him completely. Well, maybe I hadn't, because I'm the one that reached out to HIM to "say goodbye".
I mostly felt a longing for him. I was excited but sad at the same time, because so much time had passed, and he was moving! It was almost like, "why are we doing this? What's the point??" The chemistry was definitely very much there.He seemed very distracted by his thoughts, moving and all, so I started with asking him if I could get him anything. He said he was fine. I had a few things I had gotten him (souvenirs) I'd never given him so I suggested we go into the kitchen and I gave them to him. I told him laughingly that it seemed every time I'd gotten him something, he would write me and say he couldn't talk to me bc he had this new GF so it seemed they were bad luck charms! His face got sad and he looked down and said, "I'm so sorry", and I said lightly, "that's ok". I made a joke of it. He loved them though. He seemed very moved.
I told him how I noticed in his Facebook pics of his trip to Mexico, he's wearing the tank top I got him so long ago. He said excitedly, "That's my favorite shirt!!!" We both beamed.
We awkwardly stood in the kitchen looking at each other, smiling, and he was kind of floating and twirling around, and I finally said, "what do you want to do?" He said, "ANYTHING!! I'm up for anything!" and he came over and hugged me tightly, and I felt his hard dick pressed up against me as he held me. He pulled away slightly and began to kiss me deeply. Mmmm it was delish. Then he let go and skipped down the hall towards the staircase, and pointed up with a devilish grin, his eyebrows asking me, "can we go up here??" I laughed and followed him. I reminded him of when he was on crutches and leapt up and down them previously. He smiled at the memory and said, "oh YEAH!!! I REMEMBER THAT!!!" He stopped at the top of the stairs to pet my other cat, and it was so cute how he remembered his name too.
He made a bee-line into my bedroom next, and plopped himself down on my bed like he owned it. Fully clothed. I said I had to get the ambiance "just right" and he joked, "ABSOLUTELY!!" I lit a candle and looked for a playlist on my phone, and turned on the bluetooth speaker. I told him how I was going to buy him tickets to his favorite group Odesa for his birthday but he went back to his girlfriend so I didn't buy them. He said, "oh my god were you going to take me??" I said, "Of course! They were playing in Madison the day before your birthday!" He put his arm across his face and said, "oh my god, wow, really? sigh". Yep Blondie, you missed out.
He beckoned me, "come over here!" and I obeyed. I laid down next to him; he put his arms around me and just hugged me again. So tightly. And hugging led to kissing, and next his hand was slowly caressing my leg, my butt, my back, every part of me. Like I was a Ferrari, you know? Have you ever touched a Ferrari?? You stroke it gently, lovingly, not wanting to scratch it. It's the most unbelievable thing you've ever seen and can't believe you're touching it. Every inch of it is a miraculous thing to behold. That's how I felt. Like a prized luxury car.
Or a Queen.
Somehow I managed to squeeze in saying, "Groping through clothes is the best! don't you think?" And he purred in agreement and kept on touching me, till finally all I wanted to do was rip our clothes off. So that's what we did ;) Blondie unzipped his pants and pulled them down to show me his welcoming big, thick stiff dick and smiled. I swiveled around and took off my socks one-by-one, my leggings, and then my top and just had on a matching silver bra and thong. He pulled off his sweater and shirt and voila, there was a fully naked Blondie in my bed. I told him I just couldn't believe he was there. He said softly, "me neither!", and everything accelerated from there...
He was passionate without being grabby. I'd forgotten what a great lover he is, and I mean specifically in that way. He's very passionate, not grabby at all, in fact, he is SO not goal-oriented at all. I feel like he makes love, not "has sex" with me. Everything that happens is organic. He doesn't really talk except to moan or say my name as he's moaning. One time I was on top of him and he was fucking me hard from underneath him, and he slowed himself down and told me, "close your eyes. I want you to FEEL ME." and I did. And once again he said it, "feel me". And as soon as I let myself feel him with my eyes closed, I burst into tears. I was feeling too much. I made myself stop as quickly as I could so he wouldn't see.
After that amazing move, he moved me gently off of him and laid my down next to him, spooning. He caressed my body and his hand moved down to insert his fingers into my vagina and I swear he got me really turned on that way. Like everything else he does, it was slow and sensual. I loved it. Some guys just jam their fingers in you and think you like that (insert laughing-till-crying emoji here). He doesn't do that. He's gentle. It's like he caresses the outside of my pussy while he's putting them inside all at the same time. It feels amazing. And he doesn't "feel around in there" like he's looking for a lost penny. (Why do guys do that???) I wish I could tell him all this!
He flipped me over and fucked me hard on top. I loved the eye contact. That's the best. So intense. I hate when guys have their eyes closed more than they're looking at you bc otherwise it feels like they're just fantasizing about some other chick (or porn) while I'm the one who's naked. He would fuck me hard and as he did, that long blonde mane would hang down and I'd grab it and pull on it, or brush it out of his face. And my favorite is when he'd flip it himself out of the way. Just like a fucking sexy caveman. GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I ordered him, "FUCK ME BLONDIE!! FUCK ME HARD!!!' He brought out the animal in me.
I straddled him and climbed on him so that I put my pussy right in his face. He ate me out appreciatively, and I then moved down and "tittie-fucked" him. He said he'd never done that before! I thought about his ex-girlfriends' A-cup tits and said, "you gotta have big ones for it!" LOL I rubbed my pussy on his thigh and told him I was going to dry-hump him and we were both going to cum like that. We almost did. Almost. It was naughty and fun.
Then I just gave him the royal treatment. I licked him up and down slowly and gently, avoiding his dick, up and around his balls, the inside of his thighs, his tummy, and stroked him gently with my hands while he laid there alternatively watching and not, his eyes closed in ecstasy. He moaned my name over and over. Finally I took his dick in my mouth and teased the tip, making it super wet with my saliva. He squirmed in delight and grabbed me by my hair and pulled it hard, pulling me on top of him, sticking that big fat cock of his inside me and fucking me so hard he came. I loved it when he said, "omg (my name) I'm coming" with that orgasmic "O" face. What's more fun than seeing THAT??!!
Another thing I love about sex with Blondie is he stays rock hard after he comes, and we just keep fucking. We don't stop. Usually he comes again within minutes, but this time he didn't. He slowed down and I felt him pull himself out, his hands on my torso, and he laid me gently down next to him. I got up and got us a towel, and he was smiling and saying, "OH MY GODDDD" over and over. Then he said, "Come back", and reached for me and held me. I wanted to keep it light so at some point I said, "do you remember the jalapeno incident??" And he laughed so loud and hard. "YESSSS!!!! OH MY GOD!!" We both laughed.
His dick was still straight up in the air like a ruler and I was still super turned on. He asked me to keep touching it (my pleasure!!! LOL) and I dribbled a little bit of lube on it and he purred, "mmm perfect" and we touched it together. I was so ready to keep fucking. I still hadn't come. I got so close so many times but I hadn't. We laid there playing with his cock for a little while, then unfortunately, he took our hands off and apologized for stopping. He said he was "distracted" by all the stuff he has to do, and he's also emotional about the move and all. Would I just hold him? ("consolation prize") LOL
It was all good though, because we talked. And he said some amazing things to me. He said he felt like we have such a strong connection, he feels we will always see each other again. I agreed. I said, "I now have total faith that I will see you again." And I do. And then I took a risk and said, "you know, I don't even really get jealous when you have a girlfriend bc I want you to be happy. I just hate that you cut me out when you do. Because I'm your friend first." He said, "I know, I'm sorry". I said, "you know Blondie, there are girls out there who will understand. You just have to know what you want and tell them." He said, "I know, I know." I felt like I was lecturing him but I had to get it out. This was my last chance. I said further, "you've gone through how many girlfriends now and look at us! Even when you have a girlfriend we still have that connection Blondie!" He was holding me as we were talking, naked and warm, and it was intense and emotional. "I know! I know!" he agreed. "you're so right!" So I said, "you can have both. You just have to know what you want and ask for it." I wanted him to know it IS possible. We laid there, just holding each other. I said, "that's what I have. We have a great marriage" then realized I needed to lighten up and said, "everyone should be like this because it's so awesome!" We laughed and he kissed me and snuggled me to let me know everything was all right. It was perfect.
He said he was hungry and was craving "Arby's". Said he saw it on the way over and so we decided we'd get it for him, so after a bit I proclaimed, "let's go!". He looked at me like he was making mental note of my face, the way you see them do in the movies when that person knows they're never going to see you again. I melted and said, "one last naked hug! Because naked hugs are the BEST!!!" and that's what we did. We held each other, neither wanting to let go. And then it occurred to me, 'TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE ANNA!!!!" And he's always let me take lots of pics so I said, "Selfie???" and he said, "sure!!!" So I took two selfie pics of us "for posterity". He trust me completely.
We kissed, then got up and dressed, and he was done first and wandered into my bathroom and just looked around. He saw the Minnie Mouse framed pic he'd given me and commented on it. He said, "You ARE Minnie" with a smile. We went downstairs and he gave a look around like it was the last time he'd ever see it, and we left. He took my hand and didn't want to let go; he intertwined his fingers with mine and since I have a stick shift, I was driving with my left hand and taking it off the wheel to shift with it. So we didn't have to let go. I commented, "I've never done this! It's tricky!" but his face was calm like he was just feeling it all, not like I was doing anything as extraordinary as this. I loved how he just didn't want to let go.
We didn't unlink our hands until we stopped at Arby's, and he fed me curly fries all the way to his apartment. One time I bit his finger and he smiled, and once he left his finger in my mouth for me to suck it. It was so hot! We joked and laughed about nothing I can remember now, but it was awesome. Like we were on a date--one of the dates we'd never gotten to go on.
When I licked his fingers, I told him it reminded me of how much I miss him cooking for me. I said, "I loved it when you took a piece of the chicken and licked off the sauce and fed it to your kitty. I thought that was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen." He said, "aw, well he's a great cat." I just smiled.
We finally got to his apartment building and saw the U-Haul again. I thought he said, "come in for a bit" and I was excited! I said, "I get to say goodbye to your kitty??" He said, "oh no, he's not here. He's at my co-worker's where I've been staying the last few days." I said, "Oh! Awww" sadly. I followed him to the U-Haul where he opened up the door, put in the bag of food and the bag of souvenirs I'd gotten him, and he turned and faced me and said, "this is it!" He said something about having to go see his ex-co-worker who he was living with; he was going to get him so he could help him move more of his things. "Oh", I said, a little deflated bc I'd apparently misunderstood him. He just stared at me, and I smiled and said, "well best of luck Blondie, drive safe, keep in touch" and he said, "I will Anna, I will". We kissed a deep longing kiss, parted, and he said, "thank you for everything Anna. I appreciate you so much". I said, stupidly, "thank YOU honey" and felt instantly stupid and like "what the fuck did I say honey for???" I went up on my tip toes and kissed him again, and I turned and walked to my car.
I got in and as I put the car in gear, I saw him drive past me on the street, not looking back.
Labels:
Blondie,
cat,
Facebook,
girlfriend,
marriage,
moving,
non-monogamy,
selfies,
sex
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Hubby fucks Asian girl
Hello lovely readers, its been awhile since I've written. Sadly, I haven't had much to write about. Blondie has moved on, and that's all I'm going to say about him bc I'm not sure if he reads this blog or not. I had told him about it months ago when we were still at the "friends" stage and had not yet met. Blondie, if you are reading this, well, I don't really need to say anything else. I think what I've already written about you says it all. I miss you terribly.
Deep breath.
In other news, my hubby had some fun a few weeks back, he fucked Ling-Ling! We had talked about it ad infinitum, and I originally had been totally okay with it bc I was seeing Blondie, and I couldn't care less at that time what he did. And then suddenly he had someone and I didn't, and I was getting those uneasy queasy feelings. I knew it would be shitty to put any kind of skid on his fun with her. I had no plans to do that. I had my fun, it was certainly his turn. He had a business trip out in LA where she lives, and had a free evening to see her. He made reservations at some swank bar and she met him there for drinks. Remember this wasn't their first date; they met a month or so ago and had a nice 3 hour date.
They had flirted before the date, she actually texted him, "drinks? Sex?" so he knew where the night was going to go. I was happy for him. I feel like he's earned it after all I've done, and after all we've talked and been through together.
Like I said, I assumed I'd be with Blondie on this particular evening, and when I realized I wasn't going to be, I needed to find some distraction. My friends were all busy. I have been writing new hotties, but didn't really like anyone enough to make a date tbh. There was one guy though I had stopped writing and thought, hmmm, he's hot enough, maybe I'll make the effort to meet him. He lived an hour away though, but I thought, what the hell else do I have to do, the drive would be good for me.
We made a date to meet at a cute bar halfway between us so neither of us would need to drive too far.
Then he cancelled. I knew it was an excuse. This happens a lot to me.
So I frantically started writing other hot boys trying to find someone to go out with me!! And there was one 18 year old that has been after me, well, he's been 17 and I refused to talk to him till he turned 18 and he finally did, so I finally wrote him "hey" and we agreed to meet.
He too cancelled. An excuse.
I thought, 'the universe is trying to tell me to handle this alone. Pay attention to your feelings. A distraction is not what you need tonight. You need to feel whatever you're going to feel."
So I got myself all dressed up and went to my favorite bar that over looks a beautiful lake. It's pretty casual and we frequent this bar so the staff would probably be nice to me and not treat me like the loser I felt like.
I went in and sat down and the bartender, an older gentleman who is very professional, was very nice to me as I needed him to be. I felt very awkward and was feeling better once the pinot I was drinking started to take effect. The bar was busy; there was a woman about my age next to me and I could see her giving me the stinkeye. Why is it women are so mean to each other???! Can't a perfectly nice woman go to a bar and eat alone for Christ's sake??!!
There were a few men to my left, one who was very drunk and very chatty with me. He was actually quite interesting: a physics guy who, he said, has "really, really, really, really, really, really, really" (add about 10 more "really's") " a lot of money." I nodded and chuckled, "That's awesome!!!! Good for you!!" It's fun talking to drunk people.
And I was becoming one of them, and what little filter I usually have was going away. I decided to kill the woman next to me with kindness and struck up a convo with her. By the time she left she was not only pleasant to me but I would say she would say I inspired her to be the best person she could be. I have that effect on people. I read them so well and reflect back what they want to hear about themselves.
What she didn't know was, while I was making myself out to be this lonely wife who's husband was out of town on business and who's kids were busy with their friends, my husband was on a date with another woman, and was going to fuck her. Yeah. Couldn't really talk about that.
I stopped at 2 glasses of wine, had a nice dinner, and went home. Unfortunately, it was only 9 pm my time, which was only 7 pm California time, and she hadn't even shown up yet. She was an hour late for her date with my husband.
I still had the whole evening left. And theirs hadn't even begun. How was I going to get through it????!!
I decided to listen to the universe. I went home and put on my jammies. By then my daughter was home, and I made us a big bowl of popcorn and we watched tv together. We laughed and talked and it was awesome.
Bedtime was harder.
My husband was good about texting me during their date. He was great about texting me as things were happening to make sure I was doing okay, and he was willing to stop at any point if I wasn't. It went from, "she's still not here" to "she's here and she says hi!" to "we are going back to her place, are you ok with that?" to "we stopped making out so I could text you and see if you're still okay".
I WAS okay. I wanted him to have his fun. I certainly had mine. And I was happy for him.
Until.....he stopped responding to my texts around 2 am.
The last I had heard from him was "we are done. Can I sleep a little? I don't want to drive back to my hotel yet." I answered, "yes".
See, what I haven't told you is I wasn't going to give him any rules, but to me, sleeping together seemed to intimate. I never spent the whole night with Blondie, even though I wanted to, out of respect for my husband. It was like, I had my fun, now go home. And my husband said he wasn't going to spend the night with her. His whole plan to go to her place instead of his was precisely for this reason. He even verbalized it--he'd told me earlier in the evening, "I don't want her to come to my hotel! What if she falls asleep?? How will I get rid of her??!!" and thusly that's why he decided to go to HER place instead. So he would have HIS car and be able to leave after.
I need to interject that this was the VERY FIRST TIME since his infidelity he was going to be having sex with another woman with my knowledge. He needed to 'do it right by me". (oh, and the sex with the call girl a few weeks ago??? NO. I did not know about that till after the fact). This was murky waters he was treading in.
And 10 texts later, of which each of them was increasingly angrier than the one preceding it, he finally wrote back. Nearly 6 hours later. He had simply fallen asleep.
I was irate. It was the worst nights' sleep I'd had since finding out about his cheating. I was a total wreck. How dare he spend the night with her??!! How dare he ignore my texts for 6 hours??! I didn't know how I was going to get through the day. He was due to fly home and I didn't even want to see his face.
He wrote, 'just woke up. I'll call you in 5'.
It was just shy of 6 am California time. The last I'd heard from him was midnight his time.
My heart was pounding out of my chest. He called and profusely apologized. He said they didn't fuck again, nothing happened, he just slept. I was so angry. I said, "I've been sleeping with you for 26 years. You DON'T sleep 6 hours straight. Something always wakes you at least once and you look at your phone and go to the bathroom or something."
It got ugly. We fought via text all day, and when he got home it wasn't much better. Basically, he wanted me to give him the benefit of the doubt ("maybe he's just asleep? I'll find out tomorrow") which I was unable to do.
And I realized that if I had been with Blondie, I would've reacted totally differently. So for me, the experience was, I felt rejected and abandoned by both men. I couldn't yell at Blondie, but I could yell at my husband.
He admitted he was wrong. He shouldn't have fallen asleep. He should've gotten up and left like he said he was going to do. He truly thought he would "nap", and not a 6 hour nap.
And it's gotten me thinking in these last few weeks since he was with her, that I have been okay with it. REALLY ok with him seeing her. And i know they're texting. After all, that's what I do, right??!! Selfishly, it's been nice knowing he was still being faithful to me and not fucking any other girl. But this girl might be the reason I'm okay with it. I met her. She's sweet. She's super rich, single, 50, and not trying to steal him.
In other words, my husband can be happily married to me and still fuck someone else. And have a good time with her.
And I can do the same.
It works for us.
We just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary with an expensive dinner, and he gave me diamonds.
Because he feels free and loved in this marriage. We don't own each other.
:))
Deep breath.
In other news, my hubby had some fun a few weeks back, he fucked Ling-Ling! We had talked about it ad infinitum, and I originally had been totally okay with it bc I was seeing Blondie, and I couldn't care less at that time what he did. And then suddenly he had someone and I didn't, and I was getting those uneasy queasy feelings. I knew it would be shitty to put any kind of skid on his fun with her. I had no plans to do that. I had my fun, it was certainly his turn. He had a business trip out in LA where she lives, and had a free evening to see her. He made reservations at some swank bar and she met him there for drinks. Remember this wasn't their first date; they met a month or so ago and had a nice 3 hour date.
They had flirted before the date, she actually texted him, "drinks? Sex?" so he knew where the night was going to go. I was happy for him. I feel like he's earned it after all I've done, and after all we've talked and been through together.
Like I said, I assumed I'd be with Blondie on this particular evening, and when I realized I wasn't going to be, I needed to find some distraction. My friends were all busy. I have been writing new hotties, but didn't really like anyone enough to make a date tbh. There was one guy though I had stopped writing and thought, hmmm, he's hot enough, maybe I'll make the effort to meet him. He lived an hour away though, but I thought, what the hell else do I have to do, the drive would be good for me.
We made a date to meet at a cute bar halfway between us so neither of us would need to drive too far.
Then he cancelled. I knew it was an excuse. This happens a lot to me.
So I frantically started writing other hot boys trying to find someone to go out with me!! And there was one 18 year old that has been after me, well, he's been 17 and I refused to talk to him till he turned 18 and he finally did, so I finally wrote him "hey" and we agreed to meet.
He too cancelled. An excuse.
I thought, 'the universe is trying to tell me to handle this alone. Pay attention to your feelings. A distraction is not what you need tonight. You need to feel whatever you're going to feel."
So I got myself all dressed up and went to my favorite bar that over looks a beautiful lake. It's pretty casual and we frequent this bar so the staff would probably be nice to me and not treat me like the loser I felt like.
I went in and sat down and the bartender, an older gentleman who is very professional, was very nice to me as I needed him to be. I felt very awkward and was feeling better once the pinot I was drinking started to take effect. The bar was busy; there was a woman about my age next to me and I could see her giving me the stinkeye. Why is it women are so mean to each other???! Can't a perfectly nice woman go to a bar and eat alone for Christ's sake??!!
There were a few men to my left, one who was very drunk and very chatty with me. He was actually quite interesting: a physics guy who, he said, has "really, really, really, really, really, really, really" (add about 10 more "really's") " a lot of money." I nodded and chuckled, "That's awesome!!!! Good for you!!" It's fun talking to drunk people.
And I was becoming one of them, and what little filter I usually have was going away. I decided to kill the woman next to me with kindness and struck up a convo with her. By the time she left she was not only pleasant to me but I would say she would say I inspired her to be the best person she could be. I have that effect on people. I read them so well and reflect back what they want to hear about themselves.
What she didn't know was, while I was making myself out to be this lonely wife who's husband was out of town on business and who's kids were busy with their friends, my husband was on a date with another woman, and was going to fuck her. Yeah. Couldn't really talk about that.
I stopped at 2 glasses of wine, had a nice dinner, and went home. Unfortunately, it was only 9 pm my time, which was only 7 pm California time, and she hadn't even shown up yet. She was an hour late for her date with my husband.
I still had the whole evening left. And theirs hadn't even begun. How was I going to get through it????!!
I decided to listen to the universe. I went home and put on my jammies. By then my daughter was home, and I made us a big bowl of popcorn and we watched tv together. We laughed and talked and it was awesome.
Bedtime was harder.
My husband was good about texting me during their date. He was great about texting me as things were happening to make sure I was doing okay, and he was willing to stop at any point if I wasn't. It went from, "she's still not here" to "she's here and she says hi!" to "we are going back to her place, are you ok with that?" to "we stopped making out so I could text you and see if you're still okay".
I WAS okay. I wanted him to have his fun. I certainly had mine. And I was happy for him.
Until.....he stopped responding to my texts around 2 am.
The last I had heard from him was "we are done. Can I sleep a little? I don't want to drive back to my hotel yet." I answered, "yes".
See, what I haven't told you is I wasn't going to give him any rules, but to me, sleeping together seemed to intimate. I never spent the whole night with Blondie, even though I wanted to, out of respect for my husband. It was like, I had my fun, now go home. And my husband said he wasn't going to spend the night with her. His whole plan to go to her place instead of his was precisely for this reason. He even verbalized it--he'd told me earlier in the evening, "I don't want her to come to my hotel! What if she falls asleep?? How will I get rid of her??!!" and thusly that's why he decided to go to HER place instead. So he would have HIS car and be able to leave after.
I need to interject that this was the VERY FIRST TIME since his infidelity he was going to be having sex with another woman with my knowledge. He needed to 'do it right by me". (oh, and the sex with the call girl a few weeks ago??? NO. I did not know about that till after the fact). This was murky waters he was treading in.
And 10 texts later, of which each of them was increasingly angrier than the one preceding it, he finally wrote back. Nearly 6 hours later. He had simply fallen asleep.
I was irate. It was the worst nights' sleep I'd had since finding out about his cheating. I was a total wreck. How dare he spend the night with her??!! How dare he ignore my texts for 6 hours??! I didn't know how I was going to get through the day. He was due to fly home and I didn't even want to see his face.
He wrote, 'just woke up. I'll call you in 5'.
It was just shy of 6 am California time. The last I'd heard from him was midnight his time.
My heart was pounding out of my chest. He called and profusely apologized. He said they didn't fuck again, nothing happened, he just slept. I was so angry. I said, "I've been sleeping with you for 26 years. You DON'T sleep 6 hours straight. Something always wakes you at least once and you look at your phone and go to the bathroom or something."
It got ugly. We fought via text all day, and when he got home it wasn't much better. Basically, he wanted me to give him the benefit of the doubt ("maybe he's just asleep? I'll find out tomorrow") which I was unable to do.
And I realized that if I had been with Blondie, I would've reacted totally differently. So for me, the experience was, I felt rejected and abandoned by both men. I couldn't yell at Blondie, but I could yell at my husband.
He admitted he was wrong. He shouldn't have fallen asleep. He should've gotten up and left like he said he was going to do. He truly thought he would "nap", and not a 6 hour nap.
And it's gotten me thinking in these last few weeks since he was with her, that I have been okay with it. REALLY ok with him seeing her. And i know they're texting. After all, that's what I do, right??!! Selfishly, it's been nice knowing he was still being faithful to me and not fucking any other girl. But this girl might be the reason I'm okay with it. I met her. She's sweet. She's super rich, single, 50, and not trying to steal him.
In other words, my husband can be happily married to me and still fuck someone else. And have a good time with her.
And I can do the same.
It works for us.
We just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary with an expensive dinner, and he gave me diamonds.
Because he feels free and loved in this marriage. We don't own each other.
:))
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Does anyone believe in "happily ever after" anymore??
Good morning sexies!
My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.
Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity???
I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.
In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.
I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.
I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.
I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.
Love you all, gotta run.
Anna
XOXO
My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.
Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity???
I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.
In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.
I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.
I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.
I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.
Love you all, gotta run.
Anna
XOXO
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