Hello all you sexy readers! I'm sorry I haven't had much to write about lately, and we are both suffering from a dry spell LOL UNTIL THIS WEEK!!!
WOWZA have I got news for you!
Mickey is back!!!
I knew he would be eventually. This time it took 14 months. I woke up around 5 am two days ago to go to the bathroom and saw the name on my cell phone. I gasped, I literally gasped. I stared at it; I just couldn't believe it. His name on my cell phone; a private message sent to my Facebook. I was so excited I grabbed my glasses and opened the message. It was a simple, "Hey! How have you been?" The profile pic attached to the message was just a black square. Curious, I clicked on it to see his Facebook page, which I guess if I had been stalking him like I used to, I'd have already known that he and his GF had broken up and clearly it wasn't his idea. His page is mostly private so there's not much I could see except a comment about the black picture and how he's "moving on."
WOW.
I just sat there, incredulous. I didn't respond. I just went back to bed and pondered about having Mickey back in my life.
If I had any sense, I'd have ignored the message and/or deleted it. But I don't have any sense when it comes to Mickey. I knew at 5 am I was royally screwed.
So in the last two days, we've texted about a hundred texts and HE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT!! He was delivering pizzas, just like the olden days. It was surreal. It was amazing hearing his voice. He has changed; he seems easier to talk to and he's more responsive, but it's still way too soon to know for sure what he wants. He's not even flirting with me; it seems like right now he just wants a friend but I am not interested in being his friend. He told me all about his breakup with his GF, that he's "still in love with that girl" but she's clearly dumped him and moving to Arizona to go to school. I can't believe she's dumping him now. I had to ask him--so, do you remember those last emails you sent me? He said yes. I said cautiously, "so, I'm guessing she found out about me?" and he said yes. I said, "and she forgave you?" He said 'Yes", and went on to explain that they were really happy and he didn't see the breakup coming. He said something vague about "she was mad at me" but that's all. He said that they hadn't been living together most of the time--I wanted to ask about her "in a domestic partnership" relationship status on her Facebook but then he'd know I stalked her so I didn't mention it. Guess it doesn't really matter at all anyway.
He texted me again at midnight, wanting to face time but I had been sound asleep (hubby too) and so I said I could only text. I reminded him we are 2 hours ahead. He apologized and said, "Ok, well I'll text you tomorrow" and I said, "I can text now" and we did for over an hour. He started talking about coming here, not just to visit but to MOVE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was stunned. He said repeatedly, "I'm single now. I have nothing holding me here anymore. I can go anywhere I want. I have been wanting to get away." And then the convo went specific--he wanted to know the name of the town I live in so he could Google it. He obviously did, because he commented, "Now I know where to go to find a sugar mama." Yeah dope-head ME!!!!!!!!
He asked so many specific questions it was unreal. When we first moved here in fall of 2010, he started talking about moving here but it was always vague and back then, I pushed and pushed to get him to move here. Comparing the two, I realize that I wanted him here more than he wanted to be here, and now it's reversed!!! He is honestly, seriously considering it. He's looked up apartments, how to get his bartender's license, he asked about what it's like living here, it was surreal.
I flirted with him a couple times. I told him in a text that I'd had an erotic dream about him and he never responded. So when I got the chance, I asked him about it. I asked what he thought of it and he said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to say something. I was surprised that you did." I said, "Why's that?" He said, "We haven't talked in a long time." Hmmm duh but did he forget we had quite a history together??! That was disappointing.
I do plan on being more up-front and direct with him as time passes. I am not going to play cat and mouse with him again. I know he's recovering from a broken heart and that's good. He treated her like shit and she is done with him. I am insanely curious for details, and before I let that man back into my bed I am going to really talk to him this time. No holding back.
I need to remind him how badly he treated ME too. How much he hurt me. How lucky he is that I really do love him, always have, and always forgive him even if he doesn't deserve it. How I always take him back, and remind him, how he always comes back to me. We always go back to each other. The day I told my husband I wanted a divorce, who did I text immediately??? Mickey.
And who did he text when his relationship ended? ME.
I don't want to continue having the kind of relationship with him we've had in the past, and by that I mean mostly sexual and not much else. He always kept me at arm's length, he even said to me once that he didn't want to tell me things about him, and so I knew my place. I was not much more than a sexual partner and it was my own fault for getting my feelings hurt. He used me and I fell in love, so that's no one's stupid fault but my own. Of course, I didn't know he had a GF and was cheating on her with me. He needs to know how wrong that was and how much it upset me.
So before he comes here, I will be asking him to tell me what he's planning. Because as much as I fantasize about being with him again, I know that I am treading in very deadly waters.
By the time we'd finally said "goodnight", I had told him I have a boyfriend here. I don't really anymore; Allen stopped texting but Jake still texts and sends me sexy pics. In fact, he was out of town all alone in a hotel room last week and horny as hell, sending me the NASTIEST pics I've ever gotten. My favorite one he's holding his cell phone so I could see his huge hard dick and the sexy smirk on his face while he's holding it (his dick) for me to see. I haven't actually seen Jake in more than a year but that sexy 20-year old adores me and begs me to come see him. He's in Chicago, which is about 90 min away and although not really that far, it just involves a night's stay in a hotel and really good planning so my daughter doesn't wonder where the hell Mommy is!! LOL
So anyway, we texted "goodnight"; I sent an emoticon of a sexy pair of lips and said, "Goodnight sexy man, kisses" and he just said, "night". Hmmm.
I was so aroused I masturbated right then and there in the dark, under my covers, my sweet hubby quietly snoring next to me. I tried to fall asleep afterwards, and realized I was still really turned on and masturbated again! Then I fell asleep.
I am sooooo tired today. But happy.
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Does anyone believe in "happily ever after" anymore??
Good morning sexies!
My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.
Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity???
I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.
In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.
I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.
I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.
I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.
Love you all, gotta run.
Anna
XOXO
My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.
Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity???
I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.
In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.
I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.
I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.
I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.
Love you all, gotta run.
Anna
XOXO
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Sexy skaterboy is back
Hello all my sexy readers! How are you all doing??? I am sure you are all having way more sex than I am these days. Yep, me and the hubby are still in a funk. It sucks. And it seems the cuties are coming out of the woodwork too.
I got a random "hey" text from someone I had forgotten; someone I haven't met but have previously exchanged lots of sexts from. I'll call him Damien. He is 26 and lives in Chicago and OMG what a hottie!! Cute skaterboy. Wears his ballcap sideways and his jeans low. I swear I should crop out his face and post his pic with his sexy body for you so you don't think I'm making this shit up.
I have gotten some more sexy pics from Jake as well. Two sexy Chicago boys and who knows when the fuck I'll ever hook up with them??? The whole "open marriage" thing is off the table right now and we can't even talk about it. My H is out of town for work and yeah, I could go and fuck these two hotties and not tell him like he did to me but I'm not that kind of person. So how is it he was...? It's maddening. No wonder we are stuck.
I miss my old life. I miss my sexy young hotties. I miss the way they made me feel. I can't in good conscience go and fuck them now. I deleted my Adult Friend Finder profile and my Cougarlife. They are GONE. I don't miss them...but I met both my Chicago boys on them so I know it was good for me there for awhile.
Sigh.
Enjoy the pics! Have a great day lovers.
Anna XOXOX
I got a random "hey" text from someone I had forgotten; someone I haven't met but have previously exchanged lots of sexts from. I'll call him Damien. He is 26 and lives in Chicago and OMG what a hottie!! Cute skaterboy. Wears his ballcap sideways and his jeans low. I swear I should crop out his face and post his pic with his sexy body for you so you don't think I'm making this shit up.
I have gotten some more sexy pics from Jake as well. Two sexy Chicago boys and who knows when the fuck I'll ever hook up with them??? The whole "open marriage" thing is off the table right now and we can't even talk about it. My H is out of town for work and yeah, I could go and fuck these two hotties and not tell him like he did to me but I'm not that kind of person. So how is it he was...? It's maddening. No wonder we are stuck.
I miss my old life. I miss my sexy young hotties. I miss the way they made me feel. I can't in good conscience go and fuck them now. I deleted my Adult Friend Finder profile and my Cougarlife. They are GONE. I don't miss them...but I met both my Chicago boys on them so I know it was good for me there for awhile.
Sigh.
Enjoy the pics! Have a great day lovers.
Anna XOXOX
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Life after the affairs
Hello my sexy friends! I am back. I want to thank Anonymous (whoever you are!! LOL) for your message to me yesterday wanting to know how I'm doing. I can't tell you how much I appreciated that. Yes, this blog has grown cobwebs as my hubby and I are still working very hard on our marriage with the fallout of my discovery of 16 years of lies, cheating, and manipulation. I have been to hell and let me tell you, if I can survive this, there isn't anything I can't do now. I have grown stronger but the anger monster within me is like a fire-breathing dragon that is ready to pounce at any given moment. Reconciling a marriage after affairs is not for the faint of heart. I always thought women who stayed with men who cheated on them were the weakest creatures on the planet. Afraid of their own shadows. I always assumed women who stayed with men who cheated were women who had no self-respect and were more concerned with giving up their cozy lifestyle than have the guts to leave and stand on their own two feet.
How wrong I was.
In the ten months since I discovered my husband's cheating, I have come to realize that staying is much much harder than leaving. Oh, let me tell you, many times I've wanted to throw him out, or run, run, run and never look back. Why have I stayed?? Believe it or not, I still love him. I am still in love with him. Even though he's destroyed me to my core.
I have had no experience with being cheated on. Some women (and men) have a painful history of lovers who were chronic liars, but I have been lucky. Previously to being married to my husband, I was the one who always wanted out. I cheated on my first husband. Yes, I told him the very next morning, and moved out right after. I did not keep it a secret from him for 16 years and cheat more with more men. So I have a perspective about my H (husband) and cheating that makes it harder to forgive.
When an affair (or several) are discovered by the betrayed spouse, your world collapses. I can't, and won't, even go into how devastated you are. It is simplistic to say that you will never be the same. But it is true. I will never be the woman I was. I have had to re-write the last 16 years of my life. It is not what I thought it was. My H had a one-night-stand after the birth of our first child and kept it from me for 16 years. Didn't use a condom. Insists she didn't get pregnant. A drunken mistake. He insists he was faithful for the next 14 years and planned on taking that to his grave. Well, he never dealt with it, never told me, and so it came back to haunt him.
He had yet another one-night-stand two years ago, and never told me. Just "buried it" so he didn't have to deal with it. Never once did he think, "oh fuck, here I go again! I said I wouldn't do that ever again and I just did!!" Oh no. He just "buried" it (whatever the fuck that means) and carried on like nothing happened. Came home to me after not using condoms yet again. Another drunken mistake not dealt with.
At this point, we are 6 years into an open marriage and he brings home slut #2 to our home and bed. I befriend her. She disappears eventually and he sighs relief. I am none the wiser. Then a few months later (April 2011) the first skank from 16 years ago finds him on Facebook and what does he do???? He is so fucking stupid!! Instead of thinking, WTF??? I'VE BEEN RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN AND THIS MISTAKE FOR THE LAST 16 YEARS OMG IM NOT TOUCHING HER WITH A TEN-FOOT POLE. But alas, no, he is happy to hear from her and in a blaze of "nostalgia" (his words) they reconnect and the rest they say is history. He risked 20 years of marriage, our children's health and well-being, my health, our finances, for the validation from someone he claims he never loved.
He lies about how he knows her. I buy the lie because why wouldn't I? I encourage the texting because I'm busy having my fun with Mickey and other guys. He buys her a plane ticket and brings her out here to our home, our bed, my body. I take her to my work. I teach her to play tennis. I make out with her in front of my boss at a bar. She hangs out with my children. I have sex with her. While he's at work, I pour my heart out to her and spend lavishly on her because I know she's important to my hubby, just like Mickey is important to me. That is called the give-and-take of an open marriage. After three days here, he and I are fighting so much and not even having sex with each other. I ask him to make her leave. He convinces me to let her stay. She was here 10 days. What did I do then?? I tried even harder.
I was extremely jealous. I spent hours talking to my girlfriend about my jealousy. I knew he deserved to have her and be with her just like I had my Mickey. And you know what??? By the end of her stay, which by the way, I had to initiate cuz the bitch had no reason to leave and my H didn't want her to go----I had gotten over my jealousy. On Saturday, I had to get up and go to work. We'd had a threesome with her and she was still in bed with us. I actually left them alone together in our bed and told him whatever happened was ok with me and I left. I didn't think about it much while at work and I was so happy with my progress. He started texting me about a half hour after I got to work that "nothing happened. She got up and took a shower." And that is the lie he continued to tell me for 8 months after I asked at least 10 times, "Really??? Nothing happened??? I left you guys alone in bed and you didn't fuck her???" and he lied and said no. She got up right after I left and showered.
What an asshole. He DID fuck her the minute I left. And lied about it for 8 months.
You know why he lied, right??? Cuz he had fucked her 16 years ago and brought her back into my life without my knowledge. She had no right being in my house let alone my bed and my body. And it was the second time he had done that to me.
His web of lies came to a crashing halt January 30, 2011 when I found private facebook emails between the two of them declaring their love for one another. Long story short, there were two other women he was hiding at that time and it took me another 3 months to discover them. I kicked him out of our bedroom and I told him I wanted a divorce. My therapist insisted I give it six months of therapy before I did anything.
We are ten months out, and we are in a great place. I'm sure reading this you are ready to stab him in the eyes yourself, but one thing about my H you need to know is, he is a changed man. Three therapists and couples counseling for the last ten months he has become the husband I always thought he was. He immediately stopped all contact with the other women and is eternally grateful for the gift of a second chance I have given him. He earns my love back every day. He was a very broken man with a lot of secrets that were destroying him. He thought about suicide daily in those early weeks and so did I. The pain of betrayal is so painful for both sides. It is hard to understand and believe I feel badly for him but I do. I have come a long way in understanding how broken he really was.
He has vowed to earn back my trust every single day of his life and he is doing so. He tells me every day how sorry he is and shows me that he is sorry. He said he will regret to his dying day how he hurt me. He knows that I will never look at him the same way or feel the same way about him. The damage is done. Yes, we can stay together and be happy because we are both choosing to be together. I am not a Pollyanna and I am not "rug-sweeping". I know what he's done. I am devastated that he was capable of being such a narcissitic asshole. I have seen the transformation over these months and yeah, time will tell. I am taking it one day at a time. If he chooses to betray me again, I am not the fool. He will be. He knows one step out of line and I WILL divorce him. This is his last and only second chance. No thirds.
The open marriage is talked and fought about daily. I don't know what will happen. I liked getting over my jealousy but he fucked it up. I don't know that I can ever be ok with him being with another woman now. He's still ok with me being with other guys, and frankly, I haven't ever lied to him so why should I give them up? He gets that. I just don't know if it's a good idea. So we keep talking.
We have twenty years plus together. We have two kids. We are in a band together. We have thousands of happy memories together, and yes, despite the pain, I still love him. For better or worse. I've been through worse. I'm holding out for better.
I am releasing the info for my other blog if you want to read it. It has been my lifeline to my sanity.
www.inflictedandconflicted.blogspot.com
I welcome all your comments. Thank you for caring about me. I love you all.
Anna
XOXO
How wrong I was.
In the ten months since I discovered my husband's cheating, I have come to realize that staying is much much harder than leaving. Oh, let me tell you, many times I've wanted to throw him out, or run, run, run and never look back. Why have I stayed?? Believe it or not, I still love him. I am still in love with him. Even though he's destroyed me to my core.
I have had no experience with being cheated on. Some women (and men) have a painful history of lovers who were chronic liars, but I have been lucky. Previously to being married to my husband, I was the one who always wanted out. I cheated on my first husband. Yes, I told him the very next morning, and moved out right after. I did not keep it a secret from him for 16 years and cheat more with more men. So I have a perspective about my H (husband) and cheating that makes it harder to forgive.
When an affair (or several) are discovered by the betrayed spouse, your world collapses. I can't, and won't, even go into how devastated you are. It is simplistic to say that you will never be the same. But it is true. I will never be the woman I was. I have had to re-write the last 16 years of my life. It is not what I thought it was. My H had a one-night-stand after the birth of our first child and kept it from me for 16 years. Didn't use a condom. Insists she didn't get pregnant. A drunken mistake. He insists he was faithful for the next 14 years and planned on taking that to his grave. Well, he never dealt with it, never told me, and so it came back to haunt him.
He had yet another one-night-stand two years ago, and never told me. Just "buried it" so he didn't have to deal with it. Never once did he think, "oh fuck, here I go again! I said I wouldn't do that ever again and I just did!!" Oh no. He just "buried" it (whatever the fuck that means) and carried on like nothing happened. Came home to me after not using condoms yet again. Another drunken mistake not dealt with.
At this point, we are 6 years into an open marriage and he brings home slut #2 to our home and bed. I befriend her. She disappears eventually and he sighs relief. I am none the wiser. Then a few months later (April 2011) the first skank from 16 years ago finds him on Facebook and what does he do???? He is so fucking stupid!! Instead of thinking, WTF??? I'VE BEEN RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN AND THIS MISTAKE FOR THE LAST 16 YEARS OMG IM NOT TOUCHING HER WITH A TEN-FOOT POLE. But alas, no, he is happy to hear from her and in a blaze of "nostalgia" (his words) they reconnect and the rest they say is history. He risked 20 years of marriage, our children's health and well-being, my health, our finances, for the validation from someone he claims he never loved.
He lies about how he knows her. I buy the lie because why wouldn't I? I encourage the texting because I'm busy having my fun with Mickey and other guys. He buys her a plane ticket and brings her out here to our home, our bed, my body. I take her to my work. I teach her to play tennis. I make out with her in front of my boss at a bar. She hangs out with my children. I have sex with her. While he's at work, I pour my heart out to her and spend lavishly on her because I know she's important to my hubby, just like Mickey is important to me. That is called the give-and-take of an open marriage. After three days here, he and I are fighting so much and not even having sex with each other. I ask him to make her leave. He convinces me to let her stay. She was here 10 days. What did I do then?? I tried even harder.
I was extremely jealous. I spent hours talking to my girlfriend about my jealousy. I knew he deserved to have her and be with her just like I had my Mickey. And you know what??? By the end of her stay, which by the way, I had to initiate cuz the bitch had no reason to leave and my H didn't want her to go----I had gotten over my jealousy. On Saturday, I had to get up and go to work. We'd had a threesome with her and she was still in bed with us. I actually left them alone together in our bed and told him whatever happened was ok with me and I left. I didn't think about it much while at work and I was so happy with my progress. He started texting me about a half hour after I got to work that "nothing happened. She got up and took a shower." And that is the lie he continued to tell me for 8 months after I asked at least 10 times, "Really??? Nothing happened??? I left you guys alone in bed and you didn't fuck her???" and he lied and said no. She got up right after I left and showered.
What an asshole. He DID fuck her the minute I left. And lied about it for 8 months.
You know why he lied, right??? Cuz he had fucked her 16 years ago and brought her back into my life without my knowledge. She had no right being in my house let alone my bed and my body. And it was the second time he had done that to me.
His web of lies came to a crashing halt January 30, 2011 when I found private facebook emails between the two of them declaring their love for one another. Long story short, there were two other women he was hiding at that time and it took me another 3 months to discover them. I kicked him out of our bedroom and I told him I wanted a divorce. My therapist insisted I give it six months of therapy before I did anything.
We are ten months out, and we are in a great place. I'm sure reading this you are ready to stab him in the eyes yourself, but one thing about my H you need to know is, he is a changed man. Three therapists and couples counseling for the last ten months he has become the husband I always thought he was. He immediately stopped all contact with the other women and is eternally grateful for the gift of a second chance I have given him. He earns my love back every day. He was a very broken man with a lot of secrets that were destroying him. He thought about suicide daily in those early weeks and so did I. The pain of betrayal is so painful for both sides. It is hard to understand and believe I feel badly for him but I do. I have come a long way in understanding how broken he really was.
He has vowed to earn back my trust every single day of his life and he is doing so. He tells me every day how sorry he is and shows me that he is sorry. He said he will regret to his dying day how he hurt me. He knows that I will never look at him the same way or feel the same way about him. The damage is done. Yes, we can stay together and be happy because we are both choosing to be together. I am not a Pollyanna and I am not "rug-sweeping". I know what he's done. I am devastated that he was capable of being such a narcissitic asshole. I have seen the transformation over these months and yeah, time will tell. I am taking it one day at a time. If he chooses to betray me again, I am not the fool. He will be. He knows one step out of line and I WILL divorce him. This is his last and only second chance. No thirds.
The open marriage is talked and fought about daily. I don't know what will happen. I liked getting over my jealousy but he fucked it up. I don't know that I can ever be ok with him being with another woman now. He's still ok with me being with other guys, and frankly, I haven't ever lied to him so why should I give them up? He gets that. I just don't know if it's a good idea. So we keep talking.
We have twenty years plus together. We have two kids. We are in a band together. We have thousands of happy memories together, and yes, despite the pain, I still love him. For better or worse. I've been through worse. I'm holding out for better.
I am releasing the info for my other blog if you want to read it. It has been my lifeline to my sanity.
www.inflictedandconflicted.blogspot.com
I welcome all your comments. Thank you for caring about me. I love you all.
Anna
XOXO
Monday, July 23, 2012
He likes it rough....
Oh. My. God. You should see my hubby's neck! He insists I bite down hard while we're making love. He writhes with pleasure. It's so fucking exciting and disturbing all at the same time. I will do whatever he wants me to do to please him, but it does worry me a little when it's all said and done.
I have known this man for 22 years. That's a lot of fucking and lovemaking. He has never wanted it this rough before. Does he feel the need to be punished for cheating on me?? At first, I really enjoyed hurting him. I slapped him in the face while I was on top of him. It was so erotic. I actually slapped him so hard I gave him a black eye! I had no idea I hit him that hard. He loved it. We have never been like this. I keep thinking this will pass, but there's no sign of him letting up. Guess I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.
I have known this man for 22 years. That's a lot of fucking and lovemaking. He has never wanted it this rough before. Does he feel the need to be punished for cheating on me?? At first, I really enjoyed hurting him. I slapped him in the face while I was on top of him. It was so erotic. I actually slapped him so hard I gave him a black eye! I had no idea I hit him that hard. He loved it. We have never been like this. I keep thinking this will pass, but there's no sign of him letting up. Guess I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.
Friday, July 13, 2012
What to do about our not-so-open marriage??
Sexy Adam has not forgotten me. He has been patiently waiting for me for over 5 months now. He's been texting me and wanting to hook up. My hubby has encouraged me to do so, but I am wary now. Being that we almost divorced, I think we need to give our relationship some time before we start jumping into other people's beds (or others jumping into ours!!!) Much as it worked for me, clearly, the open marriage didn't work for him, and I'm not about to risk it.
I am wondering what is up with Mickey. Haven't heard a peep out of him. I've been on Yahoo messenger, I've sent him emails. I've tried texting and calling, and discovered he's changed his phone number AND deleted one of his email addresses. BUT---his Facebook is active, adding new "friends" all the time, even though it's set to private it does show when new friends added. Also, his GF has a really touching picture of him on her page, it's her "wall" pic, and he's standing on a deserted dock, holding a dog leash in his left hand, her stupid little dog on the other end of it taking a crap. The pic is from behind, and he looks stunning. Fuck them both. Whatever.
My BFF tells me, "he's done it before. Just relax. He'll be back." Yeah, maybe. We do this dance all the time. Whatever. I do find myself missing him a lot lately. I know he was quite upset that my H and I were separated and I wanted to tell him our good news that we are back together, but he is AWOL.
Gotta run, hubby almost home. It's Friday and it's happy hour somewhere!
I am wondering what is up with Mickey. Haven't heard a peep out of him. I've been on Yahoo messenger, I've sent him emails. I've tried texting and calling, and discovered he's changed his phone number AND deleted one of his email addresses. BUT---his Facebook is active, adding new "friends" all the time, even though it's set to private it does show when new friends added. Also, his GF has a really touching picture of him on her page, it's her "wall" pic, and he's standing on a deserted dock, holding a dog leash in his left hand, her stupid little dog on the other end of it taking a crap. The pic is from behind, and he looks stunning. Fuck them both. Whatever.
My BFF tells me, "he's done it before. Just relax. He'll be back." Yeah, maybe. We do this dance all the time. Whatever. I do find myself missing him a lot lately. I know he was quite upset that my H and I were separated and I wanted to tell him our good news that we are back together, but he is AWOL.
Gotta run, hubby almost home. It's Friday and it's happy hour somewhere!
Monday, June 25, 2012
WE HAD SEX! WE HAD SEX! WE HAD SEX! WE MADE OUR DOG BARK AND WHIMPER!!!
I woke up yesterday, both of us backwards on my bed, sore and hungover. I looked over and saw my naked hubby, backwards as well, his sexy body still and partially covered by the sheets. Last night really did happen! That's when I saw the enormous hickey on his neck--damn, it was the best hickey I'd given since high school!! I giggled. I grabbed my pillow and swung it around so I was facing the right way. I was disoriented and a little nauseous. I fell back asleep happy.
He had set up a date for us and made all the arrangements. Even childcare for our kids so they'd be gone for the night! I knew he had sex on the brain, and he must've known I was thinking the same thing.
I was a little apprehensive. Was this what I really wanted? Am I ready for this? If I have sex with him, what does this mean? Does this mean he thinks I've forgiven him? Does this mean he moves back into our bedroom? I felt like I needed to know the answers to all of this before I slept with him again. After not having had a shred of intimacy for the last nine weeks, to just jump into bed without thinking about the consequences seemed really immature and dangerous.
I didn't have time.
I worked the morning shift at the bar, ran to the mall to try to find something cute and new to wear, ran home, barely had time to do my nails and shower. I texted my girlfriend my concerns and she said, "just go with it. Relax and enjoy." So I decided to do just that. I didn't find a dress at the mall but instead chose a $300 Guess dress I bought years ago that still had the tags on it. I had never had an opportunity to wear it; tonight was the night. I did buy a new pair of 5 inch stillettos that looked very sexy. He loved them.
It was a little awkward. I did hold his hand, and his huge smile was just the reassurance I needed. I knew that every little thing I did was huge in his mind and heart, so I didn't need to worry. We valet parked at a 5 star hotel here, had dinner at the swanky place inside, and then the concert venue was close by so we walked there. He got tickets to one of our favorite bands (how sweet eh?), Keane. They have this amazing hypnotic music that's romantic and sexy, and we play it over and over while we take our baths. He knew this band would trigger happy memories for me, and a way to make new ones. I let him give me a deep sexy kiss in the elevator, his body pressed up against mine. He grinded his hard cock against my pelvis as he kissed me; it felt amazing. I knew then I wanted him as well.
The concert was amazing. We both cried during a few special songs to both of us. It was magical. After the concert, we walked back to the hotel where they had a chocolate bar! That was so decadent! A glass of pinot noir and some chocolate covered strawberries and marshmallows, and we were in heaven. We talked about getting a room, but decided it would be more enjoyable to be at home. After all, he had replaced our marital bed with a brand-new $4000 bed he had never slept in. I was eager to share it with him.
We held hands on the way home, and made goo-goo eyes at each other. When we walked into the house, he didn't assume we would have sex. He assumed he'd go back to the guest room where he's lived the last 2 months, and I'd go into "my" bedroom. We walked upstairs, and had that awkward moment at the top of the staircase landing where it's been like that for two months. But this time would be the last time; the last awkward moment at the top of the stairs. I took his hand and smiled, and guided him to our bedroom.
I let him put his hands on my legs, and they made their way up to my panties, up under my dress. He felt me all the way up, and caressed the breasts he'd fantasized about touching again; my slim waist he thought he'd never feel again. He then grabbed the dress and pulled it over my head as fast as he could. Just like in the movies. It was very hot! I love it when he takes charge, and I let him. By this point, his shirt was off, and I was admiring his skinny body and new tattoos. I loved that he got them just for me; his whores never got to see this sexy guy. They got the broken, pathetic guy he used to be. The tattoos signify the man he's becoming for me. How could I not be turned on??
Like my BFF said, I relaxed and enjoyed. It was amazing. I slapped him in the face several times, and he let me. He knew he deserved it. We were animals; we hurt each other and healed each other as we made love. It was nine weeks since we'd touched, after 22 years of being together and having the most incredible sex life of anyone we know. He hurt me deeply, he strayed. I have not forgiven him really, but I am understanding how broken he was. I am willing to give him another chance with my heart, because he's earning it back every day.
We even made our dog bark and whimper. He was locked in our daughter's empty room, and heard our lovemaking. It was primal and animal, and he was desperate to either save one of us or attack us. Thank God he was locked in there! We couldn't help but laugh at his cries. When we were done, we let him out and reassured him everything was ok. He laid down on the landing, assured all was well. We giggled. We fell asleep happier than we had in 5 months, and slept better as well.
My hubby also woke up backwards, and his stirrings woke me. My head was by his feet, and I was admiring his sexy tush. He really has a great ass. He stared at me, smiling, and grabbed his pillow and swung it around next to mine. I couldn't believe the last 12 hours. Neither could he. He just took my face in his hands and said his dreams came true, that I would come back to him. We cried and then he ravished me again, climbing on top of me and devouring my neck and nipples as he rammed his big dick into me again and again. Nine weeks of desire built up. And last night was only the appetizer.
After we both came, we laid there in each other's arms, vulnerable and spent. He was just overcome with joy that I'm giving him another chance. He said he will never stop regretting the pain he caused me, and will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. Why wouldn't I give this man another chance?? I know he truly means it.
He acknowledges we still have a long road ahead of us. It won't always be easy. There are triggers for me everywhere; we are seriously looking to sell this house and start over. Maybe even move back to California. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. He is a changed man. The thing is, he is becoming who I thought he already was. He has a lot of shit to work through, but he's on his way.
He brought me coffee in bed, we read the Sunday paper like old times together. It felt soooo good. He asked me, "What do you want to do today?" and I only had one thing in mind.
"Get your things out of the guest room. Put everything back in our room." His eyes welled with tears, and we hugged tightly. The past is going to stay in the past, and it's time to build a better present, because now I believe we have a future together.
It was the best weekend we'd had in nine weeks. And today is Monday, and I'm sitting here writing all this down, not wanting to forget any of it.
I am happy.
He had set up a date for us and made all the arrangements. Even childcare for our kids so they'd be gone for the night! I knew he had sex on the brain, and he must've known I was thinking the same thing.
I was a little apprehensive. Was this what I really wanted? Am I ready for this? If I have sex with him, what does this mean? Does this mean he thinks I've forgiven him? Does this mean he moves back into our bedroom? I felt like I needed to know the answers to all of this before I slept with him again. After not having had a shred of intimacy for the last nine weeks, to just jump into bed without thinking about the consequences seemed really immature and dangerous.
I didn't have time.
I worked the morning shift at the bar, ran to the mall to try to find something cute and new to wear, ran home, barely had time to do my nails and shower. I texted my girlfriend my concerns and she said, "just go with it. Relax and enjoy." So I decided to do just that. I didn't find a dress at the mall but instead chose a $300 Guess dress I bought years ago that still had the tags on it. I had never had an opportunity to wear it; tonight was the night. I did buy a new pair of 5 inch stillettos that looked very sexy. He loved them.
It was a little awkward. I did hold his hand, and his huge smile was just the reassurance I needed. I knew that every little thing I did was huge in his mind and heart, so I didn't need to worry. We valet parked at a 5 star hotel here, had dinner at the swanky place inside, and then the concert venue was close by so we walked there. He got tickets to one of our favorite bands (how sweet eh?), Keane. They have this amazing hypnotic music that's romantic and sexy, and we play it over and over while we take our baths. He knew this band would trigger happy memories for me, and a way to make new ones. I let him give me a deep sexy kiss in the elevator, his body pressed up against mine. He grinded his hard cock against my pelvis as he kissed me; it felt amazing. I knew then I wanted him as well.
The concert was amazing. We both cried during a few special songs to both of us. It was magical. After the concert, we walked back to the hotel where they had a chocolate bar! That was so decadent! A glass of pinot noir and some chocolate covered strawberries and marshmallows, and we were in heaven. We talked about getting a room, but decided it would be more enjoyable to be at home. After all, he had replaced our marital bed with a brand-new $4000 bed he had never slept in. I was eager to share it with him.
We held hands on the way home, and made goo-goo eyes at each other. When we walked into the house, he didn't assume we would have sex. He assumed he'd go back to the guest room where he's lived the last 2 months, and I'd go into "my" bedroom. We walked upstairs, and had that awkward moment at the top of the staircase landing where it's been like that for two months. But this time would be the last time; the last awkward moment at the top of the stairs. I took his hand and smiled, and guided him to our bedroom.
I let him put his hands on my legs, and they made their way up to my panties, up under my dress. He felt me all the way up, and caressed the breasts he'd fantasized about touching again; my slim waist he thought he'd never feel again. He then grabbed the dress and pulled it over my head as fast as he could. Just like in the movies. It was very hot! I love it when he takes charge, and I let him. By this point, his shirt was off, and I was admiring his skinny body and new tattoos. I loved that he got them just for me; his whores never got to see this sexy guy. They got the broken, pathetic guy he used to be. The tattoos signify the man he's becoming for me. How could I not be turned on??
Like my BFF said, I relaxed and enjoyed. It was amazing. I slapped him in the face several times, and he let me. He knew he deserved it. We were animals; we hurt each other and healed each other as we made love. It was nine weeks since we'd touched, after 22 years of being together and having the most incredible sex life of anyone we know. He hurt me deeply, he strayed. I have not forgiven him really, but I am understanding how broken he was. I am willing to give him another chance with my heart, because he's earning it back every day.
We even made our dog bark and whimper. He was locked in our daughter's empty room, and heard our lovemaking. It was primal and animal, and he was desperate to either save one of us or attack us. Thank God he was locked in there! We couldn't help but laugh at his cries. When we were done, we let him out and reassured him everything was ok. He laid down on the landing, assured all was well. We giggled. We fell asleep happier than we had in 5 months, and slept better as well.
My hubby also woke up backwards, and his stirrings woke me. My head was by his feet, and I was admiring his sexy tush. He really has a great ass. He stared at me, smiling, and grabbed his pillow and swung it around next to mine. I couldn't believe the last 12 hours. Neither could he. He just took my face in his hands and said his dreams came true, that I would come back to him. We cried and then he ravished me again, climbing on top of me and devouring my neck and nipples as he rammed his big dick into me again and again. Nine weeks of desire built up. And last night was only the appetizer.
After we both came, we laid there in each other's arms, vulnerable and spent. He was just overcome with joy that I'm giving him another chance. He said he will never stop regretting the pain he caused me, and will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. Why wouldn't I give this man another chance?? I know he truly means it.
He acknowledges we still have a long road ahead of us. It won't always be easy. There are triggers for me everywhere; we are seriously looking to sell this house and start over. Maybe even move back to California. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. He is a changed man. The thing is, he is becoming who I thought he already was. He has a lot of shit to work through, but he's on his way.
He brought me coffee in bed, we read the Sunday paper like old times together. It felt soooo good. He asked me, "What do you want to do today?" and I only had one thing in mind.
"Get your things out of the guest room. Put everything back in our room." His eyes welled with tears, and we hugged tightly. The past is going to stay in the past, and it's time to build a better present, because now I believe we have a future together.
It was the best weekend we'd had in nine weeks. And today is Monday, and I'm sitting here writing all this down, not wanting to forget any of it.
I am happy.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Still no sex--going on 9 weeks now
Well hello everyone, sorry I've been AWOL for some time now. Things have been really shitty with me and my hubby, but I think I've turned a corner this week. Thank you to those of you who've written and asked about how I'm doing, how we are doing. I do have another blog I've been devoting my time to, and I need to keep that just for me. It's how I process what I'm going through and for now this really isn't that platform for that. I don't want the focus of this blog to be that kind of pain LOL
It's been a little over 5 months since I found out my hubby had cheated on me with one woman, and after leading me on for three months that "that's all, I've told you everything" he finally came clean with affairs with two other women. It's been hell. I don't want to go into any more detail here, but suffice it to say, when he did, I wanted badly to kick him out but I just couldn't. I don't know why. But I did kick him out of our bedroom, all his clothes and everything and he's still living in our guest room down the hall. No sex, no intimacy of any kind. I have hugged him twice and gave him a peck on the cheek at bedtime a few nights ago.
But I do miss him. He is a sexy motherfucker. He is looking better and better to me every day.
I am just about ready to take him back.
It's been a long road to get here. Marriage counseling, both of us in individual counseling, and thousands of hours talking, yelling, screaming, and more talking.
We plan to resume our open marriage when he has practiced not lying longer than he's practiced lying. I am going to delete the posts that included threesomes with two of these whores as I found out he had had one-night stands with them prior to including me in threesomes with them. Not good. I don't want to re-live those experiences on paper, it's bad enough they are in my head. They don't turn me on anymore, they turn my stomach.
Thank you for your concern and patience. Hope if you're reading this you are actively honest in your life in every way, and holding yourself accountable for all your actions.
AND USE CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Anna XO
It's been a little over 5 months since I found out my hubby had cheated on me with one woman, and after leading me on for three months that "that's all, I've told you everything" he finally came clean with affairs with two other women. It's been hell. I don't want to go into any more detail here, but suffice it to say, when he did, I wanted badly to kick him out but I just couldn't. I don't know why. But I did kick him out of our bedroom, all his clothes and everything and he's still living in our guest room down the hall. No sex, no intimacy of any kind. I have hugged him twice and gave him a peck on the cheek at bedtime a few nights ago.
But I do miss him. He is a sexy motherfucker. He is looking better and better to me every day.
I am just about ready to take him back.
It's been a long road to get here. Marriage counseling, both of us in individual counseling, and thousands of hours talking, yelling, screaming, and more talking.
We plan to resume our open marriage when he has practiced not lying longer than he's practiced lying. I am going to delete the posts that included threesomes with two of these whores as I found out he had had one-night stands with them prior to including me in threesomes with them. Not good. I don't want to re-live those experiences on paper, it's bad enough they are in my head. They don't turn me on anymore, they turn my stomach.
Thank you for your concern and patience. Hope if you're reading this you are actively honest in your life in every way, and holding yourself accountable for all your actions.
AND USE CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Anna XO
Friday, November 4, 2011
Polygamy, polyamory, and the benefits of having sex with other people
At work last night, I was listening to a conversation between two co-workers about jealousy in relationships. He's a married guy , about 27, construction worker, with a pregnant wife, who admitted to having cheated on her about a year ago. She's 24, single, intelligent and a psychology student in college. I missed part of their conversation, but I heard them debating the minute differences between an acceptable flirtation from another's partner from a stranger and an unacceptable flirtation. I had to silence my amusement. I didn't say a word. I thought to myself, "if only they knew about me...." and "if only they knew it didn't have to be that way."
As they talked, I was thinking about how much my attitudes about other women have changed in the 8 or 9 years since my hubby and I became swingers. I remember my husband going to a strip bar for his bachelor party and how upset I got. Puh-leeeeze. I can't believe I used to get so jealous.
I honestly think every woman should have a sexual encounter with another woman with her man. (maybe even several!!!) and I also think every guy should have a sexual encounter with another man and his woman. We have much to gain.
If you're reading this, I'm guessing you're pretty open-minded to this idea, if you haven't already done a variation on this yourself. I love that about you!! After Haley's visit, I started to really realize how much her visit did for ME, not to mention boost my hubby's self-esteem.
I was thinking about the way she showed my hubby where my G-spot was (twenty years together and we'd never found it!) and the way she lovingly admired and complimented my girl parts. It was so touching! A woman talks to another woman so differently than a man talks to a woman in bed. How many of you "vanilla" women (meaning "monogamous") wonder what other women are like in bed? Do you wonder if you're "good" enough? Do you wonder what another woman's orgasm looks like? What do other women like? Can you handle seeing your guy touch another woman and let her please him? It's a way to get a glimpse of what your man would be like if he left you/cheated on you/you died and he replaced you. In a safe way. BECAUSE YOU'RE WATCHING
I know this is blasphemous to a great many people, which is why I have to stay anonymous. How many of my "friends" would never speak to me again if they knew? But I believe with my whole heart and soul that my hubby and I have a closer and more honest relationship BECAUSE WE HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE. We face our demons head-on.
Listening to my co-workers last night, it's clear how many people in traditional monogamous relationships believe that we have a right to "own" another person's body and thoughts. It's really amazing. I cringe now when I think back to remembering when I felt that way. How DARE my boyfriend look at another woman's breasts and fantasize about her! What did that say about ME? Didn't that reduce me in his eyes? Didn't it mean I wasn't enough for him? Didn't it mean that I needed a boob job or some other work? NO. It doesn't mean any of those things.
It is so freeing to be able to tell each other, "isn't she/he hot? I'd do him/her right now if I could!!" without feeling threatened!! To actually encourage each other to flirt and be intimate with another person without feeling threatened?! It's a tightrope we walk every day. To say we never get jealous would be a lie. It comes with the lifestyle. BUT---and it's a big but----we deal with it. Couples that swing have no reason to cheat. Why would I sneak around behind my hubby's back if I can just tell him instead?
In my never-to-be-humble opinion, marriages end because of the fairy-tale idea that there is a "one-and-only" out there for us and we should never ever ever ever ever ever desire another human being. This is an archaic and impossible way to live. Admitting our attractions to other people--even if we don't act on them--is healthy in a relationship. Once we get past the honeymoon stage, it's inevitable and we stick our heads in the sand to deny it.
**********************************************************************
I have to take a moment to comment on a new show out there called, "Sister Wives". No, I haven't seen it, but the cast was on Dr. Phil a few weeks back and I did see that. Basically, it's polygamy. A guy has three "wives" (only one is really considered a "legal" wife) and they have about 25 children between them. They have a huge house, and every "wife" has her own bedroom and the husband stays with each wife one-at-a-time, alternating nights. He admitted he doesn't have his own bedroom. He's not that good-looking at all, but it's apparent to me that he must be great in bed--not having his own room for the occasional night he's not in the mood and pleasing 3 women on a continual basis?? hee hee wow I'd love to get a glimpse of the size of his cock......whoops!! Got off topic and distracted.....
Ok, so here's the thing people---this is NOT polyamory. This is polygamy. There is a HUGE fucking difference. You know what the biggest difference is between the two? The fucking!! In a polygamous relationship, the wives are all having sex with the husband and he's having sex with them--but one-on-one. The women do NOT have sex with each other. (Like I said, the guy must be a total stud). In a polyamorous situation, everyone has sex with everybody else (usually). And it's not just about the husband. A wife can have several male lovers. I've never heard of a polygamist being a woman with several husbands. WHY THE FUCK NOT??????? I wouldn't call Mickey my "husband" nor would he call me his "wife" if he moved in with us. He'd simply be our or my lover. Same with Haley or any other woman if she came to be involved with us on a regular basis, or even moved in. Yes, if children came from any of these relationships, we'd raise them all together like the polygamous family on TV. But we wouldn't say we were "married" to each other, because in polymory, we don't own each other.
Another big difference is that in polygamy, religion is usually the reason they are together. This TV family is a hugely religious family. My hubby and I consider ourselves "spiritual" but don't believe in organized religion. We are not morally bankrupt because we have an open marriage! Just because we don't have sex with other people purely for procreation doesn't make us any less ethical than polygamists. One is against the law; the other isn't. You can't legally marry more than one person at a time in our society. I think that maybe that is the last taboo--why can't you?? What harm are they doing? They claim to be very happy in their situation so who are we to judge? And the kids are happy! I think that in this day and age, the one-size-fits-all household went by the wayside more than a decade ago when it became socially acceptable for single moms and two-gay moms and or dads. Is this really so way-out there? I think not.
As they talked, I was thinking about how much my attitudes about other women have changed in the 8 or 9 years since my hubby and I became swingers. I remember my husband going to a strip bar for his bachelor party and how upset I got. Puh-leeeeze. I can't believe I used to get so jealous.
I honestly think every woman should have a sexual encounter with another woman with her man. (maybe even several!!!) and I also think every guy should have a sexual encounter with another man and his woman. We have much to gain.
If you're reading this, I'm guessing you're pretty open-minded to this idea, if you haven't already done a variation on this yourself. I love that about you!! After Haley's visit, I started to really realize how much her visit did for ME, not to mention boost my hubby's self-esteem.
I was thinking about the way she showed my hubby where my G-spot was (twenty years together and we'd never found it!) and the way she lovingly admired and complimented my girl parts. It was so touching! A woman talks to another woman so differently than a man talks to a woman in bed. How many of you "vanilla" women (meaning "monogamous") wonder what other women are like in bed? Do you wonder if you're "good" enough? Do you wonder what another woman's orgasm looks like? What do other women like? Can you handle seeing your guy touch another woman and let her please him? It's a way to get a glimpse of what your man would be like if he left you/cheated on you/you died and he replaced you. In a safe way. BECAUSE YOU'RE WATCHING
I know this is blasphemous to a great many people, which is why I have to stay anonymous. How many of my "friends" would never speak to me again if they knew? But I believe with my whole heart and soul that my hubby and I have a closer and more honest relationship BECAUSE WE HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE. We face our demons head-on.
Listening to my co-workers last night, it's clear how many people in traditional monogamous relationships believe that we have a right to "own" another person's body and thoughts. It's really amazing. I cringe now when I think back to remembering when I felt that way. How DARE my boyfriend look at another woman's breasts and fantasize about her! What did that say about ME? Didn't that reduce me in his eyes? Didn't it mean I wasn't enough for him? Didn't it mean that I needed a boob job or some other work? NO. It doesn't mean any of those things.
It is so freeing to be able to tell each other, "isn't she/he hot? I'd do him/her right now if I could!!" without feeling threatened!! To actually encourage each other to flirt and be intimate with another person without feeling threatened?! It's a tightrope we walk every day. To say we never get jealous would be a lie. It comes with the lifestyle. BUT---and it's a big but----we deal with it. Couples that swing have no reason to cheat. Why would I sneak around behind my hubby's back if I can just tell him instead?
In my never-to-be-humble opinion, marriages end because of the fairy-tale idea that there is a "one-and-only" out there for us and we should never ever ever ever ever ever desire another human being. This is an archaic and impossible way to live. Admitting our attractions to other people--even if we don't act on them--is healthy in a relationship. Once we get past the honeymoon stage, it's inevitable and we stick our heads in the sand to deny it.
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I have to take a moment to comment on a new show out there called, "Sister Wives". No, I haven't seen it, but the cast was on Dr. Phil a few weeks back and I did see that. Basically, it's polygamy. A guy has three "wives" (only one is really considered a "legal" wife) and they have about 25 children between them. They have a huge house, and every "wife" has her own bedroom and the husband stays with each wife one-at-a-time, alternating nights. He admitted he doesn't have his own bedroom. He's not that good-looking at all, but it's apparent to me that he must be great in bed--not having his own room for the occasional night he's not in the mood and pleasing 3 women on a continual basis?? hee hee wow I'd love to get a glimpse of the size of his cock......whoops!! Got off topic and distracted.....
Ok, so here's the thing people---this is NOT polyamory. This is polygamy. There is a HUGE fucking difference. You know what the biggest difference is between the two? The fucking!! In a polygamous relationship, the wives are all having sex with the husband and he's having sex with them--but one-on-one. The women do NOT have sex with each other. (Like I said, the guy must be a total stud). In a polyamorous situation, everyone has sex with everybody else (usually). And it's not just about the husband. A wife can have several male lovers. I've never heard of a polygamist being a woman with several husbands. WHY THE FUCK NOT??????? I wouldn't call Mickey my "husband" nor would he call me his "wife" if he moved in with us. He'd simply be our or my lover. Same with Haley or any other woman if she came to be involved with us on a regular basis, or even moved in. Yes, if children came from any of these relationships, we'd raise them all together like the polygamous family on TV. But we wouldn't say we were "married" to each other, because in polymory, we don't own each other.
Another big difference is that in polygamy, religion is usually the reason they are together. This TV family is a hugely religious family. My hubby and I consider ourselves "spiritual" but don't believe in organized religion. We are not morally bankrupt because we have an open marriage! Just because we don't have sex with other people purely for procreation doesn't make us any less ethical than polygamists. One is against the law; the other isn't. You can't legally marry more than one person at a time in our society. I think that maybe that is the last taboo--why can't you?? What harm are they doing? They claim to be very happy in their situation so who are we to judge? And the kids are happy! I think that in this day and age, the one-size-fits-all household went by the wayside more than a decade ago when it became socially acceptable for single moms and two-gay moms and or dads. Is this really so way-out there? I think not.
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I feel sexier and better about myself having had sex with other women, and I am more attracted to my hubby as well. Having had multiple partners--men and women, and couples (safe sex always...I must add) has deepened our trust and love for each other. It doesn't diminish what we feel for each other, as we always put our relationship first. And when we have struggles, we talk about it. I no longer feel unattractive as I have opened up myself to having partners of both sexes. I don't get creeped out like I used to in my younger days when a girl sidles up to me in a bar restroom and tells me how pretty I am. I think, "ooooo, you're a hottie too!" and who knows what the night will hold after that? And when a young guy hottie shows interest, I can go there too. It's wonderful. My hang-ups are pretty much gone now, as I know how to please not only guys in bed but women too. And I'll never forget Haley telling me I have the "prettiest little pussy she'd ever seen". That just makes my day.
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Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Aftermath
When my hubby got home from his business trip Thursday night, things were about as bad as they could get between us. It was late, kids were alseep (thankfully), and the look on his face when he came in the door said it all. Not only was I not ok, he was not ok. He was not happy, he was not empathetic, he was cold and angry. It was so scary. I didn't know what to say or what to do. He leaned in and gave me a small kiss and said hello. We went upstairs and without talking, brushed our teeth and got into bed. I lit a candle and we laid in the darkness.
For more than 2 hours we tried talking it out, but things just kept getting worse as we were going in circles. Neither one of us seemed to "get" the other. We were defensive, angry, hurt, exhausted. We both realized this was bigger than the both of us and we had a long way to go.
I kept saying it was the circumstances and the fact that I'd never said it turned me on him being alone with another woman. How did we go from zero to a 4-hour drive, drinks and dinner and an all-nighter???? How could I have possibly been ok with that? I apologized for saying one thing and meaning another, but after 21 years together, doesn't he know me better than that?? That I felt guilty for all the guys I'd been alone with and felt I had no right to say no? But that I WAS saying I wasn't ok with it. I'd said it all day long in all my texts. That I was waiting for him to "do the right thing". Without my telling him or influencing him.
To me, this wasn't about banging some chick and getting his rocks off, like I do. When I get together with some guy, it's an hour, maybe two, and he leaves or I come home. No dates, no all-nighters. I've never even spent the entire night with Mickey. It's an hour here, 1/2 an hour there. So can't he get that I'd be threatened by that???? Fucker!!!! Hello, are you listening???? Shit! He just couldn't get that. That was MY interpretation of events. His was, "she doesn't mean anything to me. I don't get guys like that (snap fingers) like you. This was my only chance. And who knows if I'd have even gone thru with it??? Now we'll never know."
True. I'll never know. But I couldn't take that chance because to me, it was too big. I really thought that's it, he does it, our marriage is over. Because he shouldn't have put himself (or me) in this position in the first place. I couldn't win once he'd invited her to drive to come see him (which he says he didn't. He "merely stated" that he would be in her state...give me a break!!!!)
After about two hours of yelling and accusations, we laid there silent. I bravely said, "I'm turned on. Are you?" he said no. I said, "So you could fuck her last night but not me tonight? That's nice." I was so pissed off. Well, he decided he'd better fuck me so he reached for me and we had ten minutes of the angriest sex we've ever had. We only got about 3 hours of sleep that night and that didn't help things in the light of day.
The next day was Mother's Day and it was my worst ever. Yes, he gave me a beautiful card, but it seemed contrite and insincere given the way he was acting. He seemed like he was pouting and that made me angrier. As if I'd promised him Disneyland and dropped him off at the dump instead. There was no sweetness, no humor, only coldness. I didn't even recognize this man I've spent the last 21 years with. He said he hadn't eaten since the dinner with her. Had lost 6 pounds. Wasn't even going to have a glass of wine anymore. He was turning into someone I didn't know. He was irritating me so much, I just wanted to slap him. I honestly didn't know where we were or where we were going.
Mother's Day night, he suggested a bath, and I took him up on it. He still refused to have any wine. I had some for him. It was nice but very awkward. We couldn't even look each other in the eyes.
Slowly, we started to talk. I had a recollection that I thought was an important point. I had suddenly remembered something that happened about 3 months ago. Hubby was in another state where Rachel lived (a co-worker of his we had a 3sum with). And he was stuck due to weather just miles from her, and I clearly remember telling him to call her up and stay the night with her. I was actually turned on at the time. I obviously didn't feel threatened or I wouldn't have suggested it. He declined and got a hotel. Why did he decline? I don't know. He didn't say. And when I brought it up, he still didn't say.
So, to me, it showed me that maybe he has more feelings for this other girl than he's letting on. AND it confirms that it was the whole romantic-ness of this "date" with her was what was upsetting me. If he'd gone to spend the night with Rachel, it would've been MY idea, and it would've been more of a "bang" than a "date". He said he got that. He said he understood. But I think it was more of acquiesing than true understanding. That is where I'm stuck.
He is stuck at, "You said the D-word. I never thought we'd ever come to that." I said, "I don't know if I meant it. I was hysterical. I just knew I was angry at you." And of course I have apologized many many times. I've apologized for the mixed signals but can he understand that they weren't really mixed at all? But rather him hearing what he wanted to hear--"have sex with her and spare me the details." He got mad at that. I can see his point but still, to me it's crystal clear and it's really not about me and Mickey and our whole relationship needing to be re-thought and negotiated.
To me, it's this, and it's simple----he has never admitted to wanting to be alone with another woman. Now he did. He invited her, he wanted her, it was a date. This wasn't a simple sex romp. This was a DATE and I felt threatened. If he can't get that, and I mean REALLY get that, we do need to re-evaluate our relationship.
BTW I found a therapist. I do want to stay married and I know he does too. We have too much together to give it all up so easily.
Oh, and speaking of Mickey, haven't heard from him in about a week. Not even sure exactly how many days, and that's saying something. And I realize, I don't even miss him. He just doesn't give me what I need anymore. I have no desire to text him or call him. If I hear from him, fine. I'm not doing the chasing anymore. I just don't care.
For more than 2 hours we tried talking it out, but things just kept getting worse as we were going in circles. Neither one of us seemed to "get" the other. We were defensive, angry, hurt, exhausted. We both realized this was bigger than the both of us and we had a long way to go.
I kept saying it was the circumstances and the fact that I'd never said it turned me on him being alone with another woman. How did we go from zero to a 4-hour drive, drinks and dinner and an all-nighter???? How could I have possibly been ok with that? I apologized for saying one thing and meaning another, but after 21 years together, doesn't he know me better than that?? That I felt guilty for all the guys I'd been alone with and felt I had no right to say no? But that I WAS saying I wasn't ok with it. I'd said it all day long in all my texts. That I was waiting for him to "do the right thing". Without my telling him or influencing him.
To me, this wasn't about banging some chick and getting his rocks off, like I do. When I get together with some guy, it's an hour, maybe two, and he leaves or I come home. No dates, no all-nighters. I've never even spent the entire night with Mickey. It's an hour here, 1/2 an hour there. So can't he get that I'd be threatened by that???? Fucker!!!! Hello, are you listening???? Shit! He just couldn't get that. That was MY interpretation of events. His was, "she doesn't mean anything to me. I don't get guys like that (snap fingers) like you. This was my only chance. And who knows if I'd have even gone thru with it??? Now we'll never know."
True. I'll never know. But I couldn't take that chance because to me, it was too big. I really thought that's it, he does it, our marriage is over. Because he shouldn't have put himself (or me) in this position in the first place. I couldn't win once he'd invited her to drive to come see him (which he says he didn't. He "merely stated" that he would be in her state...give me a break!!!!)
After about two hours of yelling and accusations, we laid there silent. I bravely said, "I'm turned on. Are you?" he said no. I said, "So you could fuck her last night but not me tonight? That's nice." I was so pissed off. Well, he decided he'd better fuck me so he reached for me and we had ten minutes of the angriest sex we've ever had. We only got about 3 hours of sleep that night and that didn't help things in the light of day.
The next day was Mother's Day and it was my worst ever. Yes, he gave me a beautiful card, but it seemed contrite and insincere given the way he was acting. He seemed like he was pouting and that made me angrier. As if I'd promised him Disneyland and dropped him off at the dump instead. There was no sweetness, no humor, only coldness. I didn't even recognize this man I've spent the last 21 years with. He said he hadn't eaten since the dinner with her. Had lost 6 pounds. Wasn't even going to have a glass of wine anymore. He was turning into someone I didn't know. He was irritating me so much, I just wanted to slap him. I honestly didn't know where we were or where we were going.
Mother's Day night, he suggested a bath, and I took him up on it. He still refused to have any wine. I had some for him. It was nice but very awkward. We couldn't even look each other in the eyes.
Slowly, we started to talk. I had a recollection that I thought was an important point. I had suddenly remembered something that happened about 3 months ago. Hubby was in another state where Rachel lived (a co-worker of his we had a 3sum with). And he was stuck due to weather just miles from her, and I clearly remember telling him to call her up and stay the night with her. I was actually turned on at the time. I obviously didn't feel threatened or I wouldn't have suggested it. He declined and got a hotel. Why did he decline? I don't know. He didn't say. And when I brought it up, he still didn't say.
So, to me, it showed me that maybe he has more feelings for this other girl than he's letting on. AND it confirms that it was the whole romantic-ness of this "date" with her was what was upsetting me. If he'd gone to spend the night with Rachel, it would've been MY idea, and it would've been more of a "bang" than a "date". He said he got that. He said he understood. But I think it was more of acquiesing than true understanding. That is where I'm stuck.
He is stuck at, "You said the D-word. I never thought we'd ever come to that." I said, "I don't know if I meant it. I was hysterical. I just knew I was angry at you." And of course I have apologized many many times. I've apologized for the mixed signals but can he understand that they weren't really mixed at all? But rather him hearing what he wanted to hear--"have sex with her and spare me the details." He got mad at that. I can see his point but still, to me it's crystal clear and it's really not about me and Mickey and our whole relationship needing to be re-thought and negotiated.
To me, it's this, and it's simple----he has never admitted to wanting to be alone with another woman. Now he did. He invited her, he wanted her, it was a date. This wasn't a simple sex romp. This was a DATE and I felt threatened. If he can't get that, and I mean REALLY get that, we do need to re-evaluate our relationship.
BTW I found a therapist. I do want to stay married and I know he does too. We have too much together to give it all up so easily.
Oh, and speaking of Mickey, haven't heard from him in about a week. Not even sure exactly how many days, and that's saying something. And I realize, I don't even miss him. He just doesn't give me what I need anymore. I have no desire to text him or call him. If I hear from him, fine. I'm not doing the chasing anymore. I just don't care.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
There's a WIFE?????
Yesterday I was nonchalantly checking my yahoo messenger to see if I had any messages from overnight when I see E was online. Girls and boys, if you've been reading my blogs, you'll remember him from Dec. 9 under the title "Two Guys in One Afternoon". He was someone I'd met on a certain dating website and we had a GREAT time together. WELL-------we were chatting away yesterday morning. We had chatted once or twice since that fun day, and he'd told me his girlfriend had found his profile and some incriminating text messages, so he was on the "down low" for awhile. He said that he didn't know when he'd be able to see me again and I said whatever that's fine. I couldn't care less either way. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him cheating on her but since they weren't married it seemed less egregious. Not my burden to bear but I did think it wasn't a great idea.
So yesterday morning we're chatting away, he's telling me he's not doing well, that his GF is "pissed" and what should he tell her? How can he make it better? I was giving him advice such as, "well, since you had a kid you should try to work it out with her", and "counseling is a good idea". He was asking me if I should "tell her the truth" and I said "what does she know?" and that sort of banter. WELL then I said, "you need to search your heart and find out what YOU want", to which I got this reply--"I'm his WIFE and that's exactly what I'm trying to figure out!" I was stunned. My head spun around and I said, "What??" to which she replied, "so I guess he didn't tell you he was married before he had a kid?" I went invisible and texted him immediately.
I told him, "you need to call me asap." He texted right back, "I'm in a meeting, what's up?" I told him his wife was posing as him on Yahoo messenger and that she was freaking out. I took pics of the conversation with my iPhone and sent them to him. He told me to just tell her the truth. I started texting my hubby so he could give me advice. He was concerned she'd come after me so told me to take a breath and think it through. E is texting me back, saying, "just do it. Just tell her and I'll clean up the mess." I told him, 'no, that's not my cross to bear. If I tell her, it'll make it worse for you. She'll never forget how she found out--"YOUR WHORE HAD TO TELL ME!!!", I could imagine. He was like, "shit shit shit shit shit." THEN------I guess he wasn't in a meeting---OR at work-----SHE gets on his phone and says, "This is his wife again. I just want to know the truth. Did you have sex with my husband?" I ignored her, my heart pounding. The texts kept coming rapid-fire, one after another. She was begging me to tell her. I kept ignoring her. She said, "woman to woman, wouldn't you want to know?" that sort of thing. I was just so upset for her. I felt so bad. I didn't know he was married! So I finally decided that since they have a kid together, I wouldn't tell her the truth. After all, I wasn't in love with the guy (she asked me if I was), it was just sex, just one time, and for all I know, his only transgression and obviously he loved her enough to be trying to make things right. He had told me he'd deleted his profile and hadn't talked to any women since she found the profile and messages. He was really trying to mend things.
So.......I told her, "no, I've never even met him. I can hardly remember him. I'm married too, we're swingers, and I talk to lots of guys." The questions kept coming. "Well how come then you said "the positions we did?" (I had asked him, does she know about me to the extent of the positions we did?) soI said I meant did he do them with other women. That i was just trying to help him mend his relationship with you. That I didn't know he was married." She seemed satisfied with my answers, thanked me, and told me the number would be deleted so if he wanted to contact me he would. I told her, "anytime, take care", and that was that.
Ok so lesson learned. If a guy has a GF it might be a WIFE, and if she doesn't know he's with me, he shouldn't be with me. My husband KNOWS I'm with him. It's only right. Swingers don't cheat on their spouses, and we don't like knowing the person we're with is cheating on someone. No matter how "hot" they are, it's just not right.
It's hard to spot a liar, especially when it comes to getting someone to have sex with you. People have been lying for centuries. Lesson learned here---ask more questions first. The truth will probably spill out.
Poor girl. He's a hottie, but it probably won't be his last affair. I hope I did the right thing.
So yesterday morning we're chatting away, he's telling me he's not doing well, that his GF is "pissed" and what should he tell her? How can he make it better? I was giving him advice such as, "well, since you had a kid you should try to work it out with her", and "counseling is a good idea". He was asking me if I should "tell her the truth" and I said "what does she know?" and that sort of banter. WELL then I said, "you need to search your heart and find out what YOU want", to which I got this reply--"I'm his WIFE and that's exactly what I'm trying to figure out!" I was stunned. My head spun around and I said, "What??" to which she replied, "so I guess he didn't tell you he was married before he had a kid?" I went invisible and texted him immediately.
I told him, "you need to call me asap." He texted right back, "I'm in a meeting, what's up?" I told him his wife was posing as him on Yahoo messenger and that she was freaking out. I took pics of the conversation with my iPhone and sent them to him. He told me to just tell her the truth. I started texting my hubby so he could give me advice. He was concerned she'd come after me so told me to take a breath and think it through. E is texting me back, saying, "just do it. Just tell her and I'll clean up the mess." I told him, 'no, that's not my cross to bear. If I tell her, it'll make it worse for you. She'll never forget how she found out--"YOUR WHORE HAD TO TELL ME!!!", I could imagine. He was like, "shit shit shit shit shit." THEN------I guess he wasn't in a meeting---OR at work-----SHE gets on his phone and says, "This is his wife again. I just want to know the truth. Did you have sex with my husband?" I ignored her, my heart pounding. The texts kept coming rapid-fire, one after another. She was begging me to tell her. I kept ignoring her. She said, "woman to woman, wouldn't you want to know?" that sort of thing. I was just so upset for her. I felt so bad. I didn't know he was married! So I finally decided that since they have a kid together, I wouldn't tell her the truth. After all, I wasn't in love with the guy (she asked me if I was), it was just sex, just one time, and for all I know, his only transgression and obviously he loved her enough to be trying to make things right. He had told me he'd deleted his profile and hadn't talked to any women since she found the profile and messages. He was really trying to mend things.
So.......I told her, "no, I've never even met him. I can hardly remember him. I'm married too, we're swingers, and I talk to lots of guys." The questions kept coming. "Well how come then you said "the positions we did?" (I had asked him, does she know about me to the extent of the positions we did?) soI said I meant did he do them with other women. That i was just trying to help him mend his relationship with you. That I didn't know he was married." She seemed satisfied with my answers, thanked me, and told me the number would be deleted so if he wanted to contact me he would. I told her, "anytime, take care", and that was that.
Ok so lesson learned. If a guy has a GF it might be a WIFE, and if she doesn't know he's with me, he shouldn't be with me. My husband KNOWS I'm with him. It's only right. Swingers don't cheat on their spouses, and we don't like knowing the person we're with is cheating on someone. No matter how "hot" they are, it's just not right.
It's hard to spot a liar, especially when it comes to getting someone to have sex with you. People have been lying for centuries. Lesson learned here---ask more questions first. The truth will probably spill out.
Poor girl. He's a hottie, but it probably won't be his last affair. I hope I did the right thing.
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