Good morning sexies!
My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.
Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity???
I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.
In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.
I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.
I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.
I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.
Love you all, gotta run.
Anna
XOXO
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6 comments:
I've been married 28 years (though we did have about a year and a half separation mid way through), and I don't see myself ever divorcing. Is our marriage perfect? Hell no. I don't even believe in the institution of marriage as I understood it when we got married. I do think though that in spite of the fact that neither of us has been 100 percent faithful, we have a good partnership for living life. We have raised two great kids and haven't beat one another to death, so it ain't all that bad.
In a perfect world, you could choose partners but be aware that you both might find other people attractive and perhaps even have brief affairs throughout the marriage, while remaining faithful to the partnership, just not the sexual aspect.
I'm currently reading Love Thy Neighbor, written by Gay Talese back in 1980 or so. I wish I would have read this when I got married in 1985.
It's not marriage, per se, that is the problem. It's an institution that is predicated on the belief in "forever." And Western culture likes to believe in "forever." That's the problem. In the East, with Buddhism and Taoism in particular, there is no thinking of "forever." There is thinking of now and of change and transformation. You change, I change, our partners change. We have the same name, but we are not the same people from day to day, year to year, decade to decade. If we give up on forever and focus on now - give up on who this person "should" be and focus on who this person is, then we might have a better shot at a real relationship. And relationships, like everything else, change, mutate, and transform. Sometimes you two are close, sometimes you're very distant. The relationships (including marriages) that last are the ones that, like the supple branch, can bend with the wind, but not break.
Hello JF, thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate your sharing your story here and I'm glad to hear your marriage has been and continues to be satisfying to you both. HOWEVER my question was "has anyone stayed married and been faithful AND happy?" I think we have a lot in common with infidelity in our marriages and yes, it IS possible for a marriage to survive infidelity but I for one know for a fact it will never be better than it was. It will always carry the scars of years of lies and deceit. His cheating will always be a black mark on what I thought was truly a perfect marriage. I thought we had the best of both worlds.
Congratulations, in all sincerity, for making your marriage work for you both. It is much harder to do than single (never-married) people have any clue.
I have not read the Gay Talese book and I plan on downloading it to my iPad ASAP! Thank you for the suggestion!
Love,
Anna XOXO
Thank you Lola for your comment! I love what I learn from my readers. YES!!! You hit the nail on the head! That's where fairy tales come from. The belief in the "happily ever after" which implies "forever". A lifetime with the same person is quite a challenge, and yes, we Westerners go into marriage with a completely different set of beliefs and expectations than some cultures. I think cultures with pre-arranged marriages may be the most realistic and pragmatic (although I certainly wouldn't be interested in it for myself). We somehow think we will always feel the way we do about our partner that we did when we said our vows, and that we will never be attracted to anyone else. When we are in the throes of the initial "in love" state of matrimony, we can't fathom any other person coming between us. Then we get comfy, and take each other for granted (to a certain extent--it's called "contentment") and whaddya know--lies begin to happen and if couples don't talk about this stuff both before the wedding and as things pop up, they are headed for disaster.
Thank you again for sharing your insight!
Love,
Anna XOXO
Yes, I do. I have been married since 1993 and I couldn't be happier. My husband, prior to our marriage and after, has always allowed me to satisfy my sexual desires in any way that I want. I have been with my husband since 1989 and have been allowed to date other guys as well since then. We have only had one bump in our relationship and it lasted only a few days but everything before and since then has been happily ever after.
Hi Dating Wife Kim,
Thank you for your response. Of course, I'm very curious about this "bump". Do you care to elaborate? Also, is this a one-sided open marriage? Doesn't your husband ever get resentful you're having all the fun?
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