Monogamy sucks!

Jeez has it really been three months since I've written a post here? God I'm so sorry my sexy friends. My life really hasn't been very exciting in so long and I have always been 100% honest on here. I'm not going to start making shit up just so I have something to post. If it ain't happening, I'm not writing about it. Sad. It sucks.

My sexy boyfriend Allen still texts me from time to time. He's amazing. He refuses to date anyone but me, and I'm SO off the radar right now. I don't know if I'll ever have sex with him (or anyone but my hubby) ever again. We are in such a weird state with our marriage right now. I'm not really liking it. I miss how my boyfriends used to make me feel so sexy. I have gained a few pounds (I'm about 128 and at 5-2, I need to be at least 120) so I'm not happy about that. I have gained a lot of muscle now that I'm boxing, so that's good. I look pretty toned and solid; I'm really hoping I'll get that sexy core that I see in pics of sexy female boxers. I love boxing; it makes me feel so strong and sexy and let me tell you, there ain't nothing like finding out your husband's cheated on you with three women to feel like shit about yourself. I have definitely lost my mojo. I feel like I'm really trying to put myself back together again, but there are pieces missing so I have to create a new me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

When I left my first husband (23 years ago after a brief marriage without kids) I never went through this whole "redefining myself" thing. I wanted out. It wasn't easy leaving him only because I was so used to clinging to someone for survival, even if they were abusing me because I didn't know how to be alone.
I did rather well rather quickly; it was so nice to not have to feel like everything I did was wrong for once in my life. I blossomed. I did change my name; but mostly because I was so disgusted that I allowed myself to be abused and was afraid he'd come after me. I also thought if I changed my name, I'd become someone else. I didn't really; it was actually hard to change my name and embarrassing cuz people were like, "okaaaaaay...."

So I've been this new name for 23 years now and sometimes it's still weird. BUT.....now I've got to reinvent myself again. I totally get it now when I read about celebrities "reinventing" themselves. I've done it before and now I've got to do it again. Because there comes a time when what you've been doing isn't working anymore, and big changes are what's needed to fix the problems. 

I miss the sex with other guys. I miss Jake the most; he's touring with his band and I love knowing he's thinking of me. In my most narcissistic moments I read the words to his bands' songs and wonder if the ones about "missing the one that got away" I always secretly hope it's about me. I know he does a lot of the songwriting and it's exciting knowing that he absolutely crazy about me. Did I mention he is barely 19 years old???

Did you like the sexy pics of my men?? I miss them!!!! I miss my LA model/actor boy too....we did some nasty things together on Skype about a year ago and damn I wish I could've recorded it.....

Sigh. I just don't know where it's all headed.

Tarot anyone?