If you really want to impress me, call me at 4 am.......

B called me at 4 am this morning and told me he wants me to come see him as soon as I get to LA! I can't wait to see him. I feel so comfortable with him--he's so sexy, so comfortable in his own skin. He is just easy to be around. He makes me feel so sexy and he just adores me. I hope he does get me pregnant--i'll have him in my life forever. Chances are 50-50 so we'll see. I really don't know why it's so important to him--I'm happy to just keep him my fuck-buddy, we have such a good time together. And I love that I'm his "dirty little secret". Well, I'd like to be more--damn wouldn't it be cool to be on his arm at some red carpet event?? Damn. Who knows. If I have his baby, the press will eventually find out. I like that I know a side of him no one else knows, cuz he is so comfortable with me.  I love the way he looks right into my eyes when he talks to me, those big brown eyes. I told my BFF about his new commercial and sent her his pic and she was like, DAMN he's HOT!!!!!!!!! I told her, yes, he is! I can't wait to grab that luscious long wavy brown hair in my fist while I ride him. Mmmmm 2 weeks!!!

Mickey is AWOL since I texted him I bought a plane ticket to come see him. I haven't heard a peep. I told him tickets were so cheap I decided to just come see him--that I remembered what he said (meaning about "having me in his life sexually right now is not healthy for me") and that I just wanted to have dinner---that I just want to gaze into those gorgeous blue eyes. No response yet. I'm biting at the bit to keep from contacting him--but going to just sit tight.

In the meantime, I'm writing Mr. Irish Accent daily and keeping in great shape for my romp with B (and hopefully Mickey). I'm down to 123 and look pretty good. I'm happy to say I don't think I need to lose any more weight! I'm all muscle now, what with 2 hours of tennis 5 days a week and weightlifting.

On a different note, my hubby's talking about taking a trip to go see his GF, the one that came here. I have to let him go and not make a fuss---it's only right, right?? Although it wasn't part of our original agreement....I get to do what I want so it's only fair. I don't feel threatened by her so maybe she's the right one for him to do this with.

It's funny---B, and Damien, and all these hot 20-something guys, but all my heart wants is Mickey. I'm really trying to leave him alone. He WILL come back to me, he always does. She's 20 for God's sake. And he's a confirmed committment phobe. I just have to sit tight.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll fall for someone else. I really really really want to. I did fall for Jake, but that ended badly. I wish I knew why. He really made me forget Mickey. That relationship had such promise, but maybe it was all in my head. I KNOW I can get over Mickey if I can just find someone to replace him. I've BEEN looking my dear readers! I really have! And I'm STILL looking!

Tomorrow night I will write about my hubby's GF's visit last month. I promise.

Stay tuned.

Love,
Anna XOXO

Still looking for Mr. Right Now--I might've found him!

Not content to sit around and wait for Mickey to decide what he wants, I turn to my dating website to find some fresh meat. There are so many hot guys on there--the problem is so many just end up exchanging pics and chickening-out when it comes time to meet. BUT---I found someone new--he is a hottie who lives about an hour away with an Irish accent!! He's half my age, and has the most beautiful smile and sparkly brown eyes. He has perfectly straight teeth, and a sexy, disarming smile. So so cute. We have been writing on yahoo messenger all week and we are meeting on Saturday!!  His name is Damian and he's fucking hot. Just the right guy to help me break my unintended sexual sabbatical! Thankfully he lives alone and I'm driving to meet him near where he lives. He's invited me to spend the night....mmmmm I'm thinking about it! I love the pics he's sent me and he loves mine so I'm really hoping he'll be worth the hour drive! I will keep you all updated. Cross you fingers! I could use a hunk like him right now. His compliments and constant attention right now picks me up when I'm down and obsessing over you-know-who. Who, by the way, was online 24/7 and has now gone completely AWOL. His facebook has gone private too. Can't read a thing anymore. Do you think this is all directed at me? How would I know? Enough, Anna, enough.

I'm so annoyed at Mickey's lack of response---my insides are literally tied up in knots wondering what the fuck is going on with Mickey--especially since I looked up "Domestic Partnership" and it says that in his state it is, and I quote, "....almost equivalent to marriage." What I don't know is have they legally done something or was it just, "hey, we're on facebook and we are living together so since there's no "living together" choice they picked this one? Who knows. I know that I'm getting really stalker-ish lately trying to get answers--so I've decided to just stop. I can't keep torturing myself. I didn't really buy a ticket to go see him anyway. I'm not sitting around waiting for an answer. His silence is screaming, "I don't know what to do here!!!"My BFF told me give it a few more days and then send him a text that I hadn't heard from him and that I'm excited to see him, etc. I don't know. I'm tempted to just do nothing. Let him go. I don't want to push him into her arms trying hard to "be a good boy"--HIS words.\

I'm annoyed with myself, and him. He's such an asshole. Why can't he just talk to me like a regular person???? If he's serious about her, why can't he just fucking say it?????

I'll tell you all about my date with Damian as soon as I can! I sure hope there's a spark. He is so cute from his pics so we'll see.

All I know is, I'm ripe for some good ol' fashioned fucking!!!!!

I was watching TV in the kitchen while I was cooking dinner last night and saw "B" in a commercial! I screamed to my hubby, "THAT'S B! LOOK!! and sure enough, there he was! What a hottie! I can't tell you anymore about it cuz certainly you'd know him....I texted him immediately to tell him I saw him, and of course, since he's got the biggest ego of anyone alive he responded right away. He was pleased as punch. I congratulated him and said I wanted to youtube it so I could see it over and over. He laughed. 


I bought my plane ticket to go see him yesterday! Or--should I say, my hubby did. I will be there in 2 weeks. I can't wait to fuck him! MMMMM "B" is delicious. 


I lied to Mickey and told him I bought a plane ticket to see him. I texted him, "hey, flights are so cheap so I bought a ticket. I'll be there on Nov. 13th. Let's just have dinner. I want to gaze into those amazing blue eyes." That was yesterday--haven't heard back yet. I'm sure he's processing it--he wants to see me, he wants more than dinner--but he's living with his GF. BUT-----and this is a big BUT---he has never admitted to having a girlfriend. He doesn't know I stalk him LOL yes I read his facebook and his GF's twitter--hey, if I didn't, I wouldn't know what the fuck is going on with him! it's a way to protect myself. Yes, and torture myself, that's true.  He told me a couple weeks ago basically not to come, that seeing me sexually "isn't healthy for me right now, I'm trying to do too much", whatever the fuck that means. He talks so cryptically. Why won't he just admit he's got a GF and they're getting serious? Because he doesn't want to hurt me? Please. Yeah right. It's because he doesn't want me to go away. He wants to know that I'll always be here for him when he wants me. It's like in Toy Story, I don't know which one, I think the first, where Woody says, "It's not how much we're played with; it's that we're here when Andy needs us." That's me for Mickey. It's not how much he plays with me, it's that I'm here when he wants me. Don't tell me I'm pathetic. I already know I am. 


I had a conversation with a girlfriend of mine about Mickey, and it really sums up why I put up with him. We were talking about being "in love", and what does that really mean? Is it possessive? What if it's not reciprocated? And I told her, for me being "in love" is this: it's thinking about the other person 24/7. It means that no matter what you are doing, you are thinking about them. It is worrying about their well-being. It means that if they were in trouble or sick you would answer the phone in the middle of the night and listen. It means you'd jump on a plane and be there for them at the drop of a hat. It means you'd give them money you don't have if they were struggling financially. Being "in love" to me means all these things. And no matter how much I'd like it to go away, it hasn't where Mickey is concerned. It's been almost 8 years we've known each other now, and the only way I'll ever truly get over him is probably when I die. I have 2 great loves in my life--him, and my hubby. 


                                      *******************


I'm sorry I haven't had time to tell you all about my hubby's girlfriends' visit. And I'm sorry to say I've run out of time right now. My life has been so hectic and insane, but I PROMISE to write this week. You deserve to hear it. It was a very trying week, good and bad, sexy and unsexy. You will enjoy it though.


Have a good day my beloved readers, and oh, yes, now you know what I look like. Let me know if that changes anything for you in how you perceived me. Did I lack credibility before by hiding my identity? It's scary for me but I thought it necessary. I hope you all approve. I did it for you.


Love,
Anna XO

NEW PIC FOR MY READERS!

Hello everyone! I thought you all deserved to see that I'm real, so here I am. I posted a pic of my face for you all.

New profile pic and catching up

Hello my dear readers, I'm sorry so much has happened and I've been so busy I'm way behind. I know you all want to know how it went with my hubby new GF here....and I will tell you everything. I promise. But in the last 2 days there's been a new development with Mickey that I just have to get off my chest.

I have been trying to plan a trip to go see him for 2 weeks now. I'd have bought my plane ticket already but fucking Mickey wouldn't answer my texts or my IM's and so I didn't know if he was going to show up or not. I wanted to make sure what day off he would get so I planned well. We did play phone tag--it was sooo nice to have him call me nearly every day, or he'd answer the phone the second it rang when I called him, but we never talked for more than a couple minutes. He'd wake me in the middle of the night, and apologize for waking me, and then he'd tell me he'd call me tomorrow. This went on for the whole 2 weeks. He'd call me from work and have to hang up and wouldn't call me back till the next day. It was so schizo.

Finally, two days ago, out of the blue (his last text to me was June 2nd) I get a text from him that says, "I can't have you come see me. Having you in my life sexually is not healthy for me. I'm trying to focus on way too much."  I was shocked and sat on that for about a half hour. I was sad, but not surprised. We've been through this before, it's not the first time, so I was disappointed but ok with it. I remember the first time he did this to me---it was 7 years ago.  We had a Friday night date and he called me and told me, "I can't do this anymore", and how I was crying so hard, I was distraught--pleading with him to reconsider. I drove to his apartment and met him there--we sat in my car and he was cold as ice. That was the first time he broke my heart. It wasn't but 2 weeks later he was in my bed.

So I read his text and knew it was that night all over again, only I'm 1800 miles away so I can't just drive there and beg him to reconsider. And I'm a different girl now--I know he'll come back to me, and I told him so.  I asked him what was going on, what changed--that he had said he was single and had asked me to come see him, so WTF? And you know what??! He won't say it. He won't say he has a GF or that they're getting serious cuz he doesn't want to lose me. He talks so cryptically. "I'm not sure about anything right now," he told me. "What aren't you sure about?" I ask. "Work and such", he answers. Refusing to talk about anything in any detail whatsoever.

Knowing full well he wants me and will come back to me, first I was compassionate and told him I was sorry to hear. I was texting my best GF at the same time to get advice, and she thought I ought to tell him about "B". So I did. I said I was going to LA to see my BF and wish I was with him instead. He wrote me, "If I were even to see you now I can't stay the night or spend the day with you like I'd want". Oh happy day!! SEE???!! He DOES still want me!! So that was good enough for me.

I decided to tease him then--told him, "hey! Meet me in LA!!!" he said simply, "Can't".  I sent a sad face, and asked if he'd come here instead. He said he wasn't sure! Which meant "maybe I willl" or "I want to so fucking bad but can't figure out how to actually get away with it." Then my very sexiest naked pic of myself and said, "just to tease you...." and he loved it. It went on from there--I told him about my hubby's GF and sent him a couple pics of the two of us together and he loved them. He asked for more.

I know my Mickey. He loves to be single, he loves to be free. He hates to be tied down. He is a commitment-phobe and he will tire of her. I just have to be patient and not bug him, but yet, at the same time, he craves those texts from me that I am thinking of him.

The last thing I haven't told you is yes, I stalk him on Facebook. He and his GF have pages and although her wall is private, her info is not. It has always said under the relationship status that she is "complicated with...." and Mickey's name and pic. His is private so I can't read it, but I happened to look at their pages again last night and hers said instead, "in a domestic partnership with Mickey." WTF??? I looked at his page, and on his wall he'd written, "sorry, no, I'm not engaged, just clicked the wrong relationship status. I'm not getting married quite yet." To which a female friend who looks about my age wrote, "you're such a tease!" Just tonight I looked at them again and a guy friend wrote on her page, "Are you guys gay?" hahaha yeah WTF a "domestic partnership" doesn't sound very hot or sexy. More like roommates.

I know, I know, I'm just fooling myself. They are living together. But I asked him a few weeks ago--"are you in love?" and he said a resounding NO! So who knows.

I have to let go eventually--maybe he is getting serious about her and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I need to just let go right now, before I get hurt again. I'm really ok, more disappointed than anything, but sad too.

I'm thinner and in better shape than ever cuz I knew I was going to see him. Well, it will be appreciate by  B! I am excited to see him.

I'll tell you all about my hubby's GF as soon as I have time. It's the middle of the night right now and I have to get up at 6:30 am.

Oh wow!! B is calling!! yay!!! Just when I needed him.

Thanks for reading, and good night.

Love and kisses,
Anna XOXOX

My hubby's GF is coming to visit--and I'm getting anxious

I am SO glad the kids are in school all day long so I have some time alone to myself tomorrow to reflect on the upcoming weekend's events. My hubby's new GF is flying out here on Saturday, and I'm just a mess of mixed feelings.  I can bring out my inner lesbian for a night, if I drink enough, but a whole week?? I'm feeling very anxious. She is almost a complete stranger to me--we do text a little and write on Facebook now and then but she is HIS acquaintance, not mine. I've got to do this for my hubby. He does SO much for me.  He deserves this, I know he does.

My BFF tells me to just embrace her and do it for my hubby.

I want to . I really do. I know she isn't planning on trying to steal my hubby. She sent him a text yesterday that said simply, "I had a dream I was kissing your wife." oooo well isn't THAT interesting??!! So....anyway, I'm going to try to really be a good hostess and be very nice and polite and hopefully drink enough to have some great threesome sex!! I PROMISE to write next week and fill y'all in on our extracurricular activities!!

I told B I went to the gyno (I actually didn't---I looked up info online) and told him I got a "green light". He texted me back ASAP wanting to know what my timeframe was. I said I was planning on coming to see him mid-October. He is soooo excited!!!! (I am too!)

I can't decide how to plan my trip! I want to work in seeing my parents as well--should I see them first? I know I can't wait to see Mickey. I think I'll go see my parents first, then drive to LA and see B and maybe spend the night in LA. Then fly out to see Mickey in Oregon the next morning, it'll be a quick flight. Then fly home, with Mickey's touch still fresh on my skin, his scent still on my body. I want him to drive me to the airport, kiss me goodbye, and drive away thinking about ME. I really can't wait to see him. It's been a year since we saw each other.

I just love how intense he gets with me. He writes me in the middle of the night--"where are you? why aren't you writing me? Talk to me". It's so awesome. I feel so happy.

On a different note, I did meet someone FINALLY who lives in the same city as me!! He is 21, super good-looking--long black hair, dark eyes, very sexy. He took yesterday off from work to meet me but neglected to tell me and I was too busy to see him! I couldn't just drop everything--sadly LOL We are still trying to get together.

I'm still playing tennis with my boss at least once a week, sometimes two, and I'm feeling more and more at ease around him. He's letting his hair grow, and has that stubble from not shaving that is oh so sexy. When he talks I find myself imagining kissing him and realize that I'm not listening! One of these days when he calls me on it, I may have to nerve to admit why. We are working together tomorrow night--a special function--and I don't have to wear my dorky uniform so I plan on flirting heavily with him. My new fantasy about him is to go with him to the storage closet and shut the door (which automatically looks from the outside) and grab him and plant a big wet kiss on that sexy mouth! He's got the most perfect straight, white teeth (next to Mickey) and I'm telling you, the stubble is hella sexy.

Bedtime now my dears. I'll be too busy drinking, smoking pot, and being naked to write till next week so hope y'all have a great weekend and I'll fill you all in on this weekend's shenanigans on Friday (next Friday).

Love always,
Anna XOXOXO

My vibrator and I give Mickey a show he'll never forget

"You're soooooo pretty!!" Mickey cooed into the phone to me, gazing at me onscreen with somewhat sad puppy dog eyes. We were on yahoo messenger this morning, both on our webcams, and neither of us could stop smiling. It was so wonderful seeing his face again, after such a long time, and he clearly was happy to see mine as well.

The familiar chime on my iPhone woke me up about 3 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. "Hey", Mickey texted. We chatted off and on for about an hour while I got my kids off to school. Happily he said, "want to get on webcam?" and I decided right then and there that this offer was better than my plans to hit the gym, so I said, "Sure! Gimme 10 minutes. I want to look good for you." I turned on my curling iron and put on a little bit of makeup, found a sexy red lacy nightgown that showed off my breasts (Mickey's favorites) and I was online.

The minute I saw his face I started smiling. He was smiling too. It was wonderful. Like no time had passed. He looked as hot as ever, his long black hair all disheveled around his face, his lip ring dangling ever so teasingly, his full-sleeve tattoos so colorful and sexy. He was wearing a black T-shirt, and I was just salivating. Then he moved his laptop so I could see better--and he had his cock and balls peeking out from his underwear, these "tighty-whitey" undies in green and blue. I was shocked and laughed and wrote, "very hot!" He laughed and tucked them back in.

We wrote to each other as we gazed nervously at each other. I suggested Skype since on that webcam you can talk to each other. I told him I wanted to hear his voice. He couldn't remember his Skype name (yay, means he hasn't been using it with some other girl). I saw him pick up his phone, and I was tempted to write, 'who are you calling?" cuz that's really bad ettiquette--to be on webcam and call someone else. I was miffed instantly, until I heard his song, "Mickey" by Toni Basil start playing. He was calling ME!! haha (joke was on me!) I looked at my phone and sure enough, there was his face, the pic I'd chosen, and his name.

I answered in my best Lauren Bacall voice, a husky, "hey you", and he sounded just as sexy back. It was so wonderful, hearing his voice again. I told him so. He said all the right things again, just as always. After a few minutes he pulled out his cock again and started touching himself. He said, "show me those beautiful tits of yours", so I pulled down the red straps to my nightgown and gave him a little glimpse. Teasing him. He rubbed himself watching and yeah, I was getting very turned on! The whole time this was going on, he was talking to me, telling me how much he wanted me to come see him. He said, "I'm off work on Mondays and Tuesdays, and if you come then I'll get to spend the whole night with you." I smiled inside and out and said I'd see what I could do. Hubby travels a lot with work and the kids have school weekdays so not sure but I'd see what I could arrange. He told me, "Just give me a date." I said I'd let him know. I told him I hadn't bought a plane ticket yet so I'd check and see what I could do.

He also told me he was in trouble of being fired. That poor guy has issues, for sure, but he's always been a good worker. He's had this job like 6 years, so I asked him what's going on. He said, "they're douchebags!" and didn't want to talk about it. I let it go. He just wanted to focus on me.

He kept asking me, "when are you coming here?" lol then I broached the subject that was lingering in the air---what about his GIRLFRIEND?!?! He said, "let's not go there right now", so I laughed and said, "ok". I said, "I know you're not in love with her. You told me so." He said, "you're right, I'm not." I said, 'You're in love with me!" Now he has NEVER used the "L" word with me, and no, he didn't, but he did say, "yeah, that's it", so that made me happy! He said he wants to come visit me and plans to. He said, "I just might move in with you." I said, "really???" ecstatically and he said, "yeah, and it might be soon if they fire me." I said, "don't tease me!" which made him laugh. He was obviously in pain and in his own weird way was reaching out for sympathy, to be understood and heard. He knows I will give it to him.

He asked to see more of me, and I obliged. He was very complimentary and kept gently telling me what he wanted me to do, and what he wanted to do to me when I come to visit. He also asked where my hubby was several times, and that sometime he wanted to watch us both having sex. I told him, 'sure! that would be fun!" Since he has seen it in person I'm sure he'd like to watch us again. He said he wants to DP me with my hubby. I've never done that with anyone, not really crazy about the idea but said for him I'd try it. I trust them both to be gentle and to stop if I asked them to. So, WTF, I told him yeah, that would be ok. It was all fantasy right now anyway. Then he slipped off his undies and was just in his T-shirt. I said, 'Take off your T-shirt!" and he refused! I was like, WTF? Ok whatever! I said I want to see your chest. I love all your tats, I want to see them. He giggled and said, 'no, I've gained a few pounds", so I respected that. LOL Even though I couldn't see a trace of fat anywhere. He looked the same to me.

He asked if I had any toys. Yep of course I do! I told him, and went to get a vibrator. I grabbed the first one I found, and the batteries were dead LOL and we both laughed. I used it anyway, and he said he wanted to watch me come. And of course, since we were on the phone together, he heard all my heavy breathing and panting, and he stroked his cock harder and harder as I got more and more excited. Which I did for him, right there on camera. I've never done THAT before for anybody! It was so exciting. OMG I was splayed out on my bed, legs spread, back arched and stroking myself with a purple vibrator and watching him stroking his cock, watching me, holding the phone with his other hand, and that gaze in his eyes, very sexy. Since the batteries were dead I had to work that thing back and forth but it worked, I had a huge orgasm right there on camera for my Mickey. He loved it. I was a bit embarrassed afterward but he thanked me and kept telling me how much he loved it and couldn't wait to be with me.

After a few more minutes, he said he had to go. I said I did too, and I blew him a kiss onscreen for him and said goodbye. He was looking right at me and smiled, and gave me a "bye" in that sexy, breathy voice of his.  I don't know if the GF came in the room or what. After I clicked "off", I could still see him onscreen, and he kept stroking his cock for about a minute then turned off the camera. He didn't come, and that was disappointing, but oh well. It was still awesome.

I can't believe what that boy does to me. I'm old enough to be his mom, AND his girlfriend's mom. He's 27 and she's 20. But he doesn't see me that way. I'm a woman, a REAL woman, and he knows I'm crazy about him.

I think I'm going to be smiling a lot today.

Finding happiness in the middle of the night

Long after I'd gone to sleep two nights ago, I hear the familiar chime on my iPhone on my nightstand. It's Mickey. FINALLY. He's on yahoo messenger at long last, and writes me his usual, "what's up?" like a whole month hasn't passed but just a few days.

How I longed for the strength to ignore him. I laid there in the dark, staring at his user name, and his words, but I was too happy and relieved to have any sort of resolve. I wrote him back immediately, "hey sexy man, where've you been?" Thanks to my detective work (called Google) I knew I wasn't going to take any excuses.

He started in with his usual, "busy". I said, 'Bullshit". Ok, I actually didn't say that, but I wanted to. That's what I was thinking. I ignore it and asked if he'd gotten a phone yet--knowing full well he did. Yeah, he said. I asked him what hasn't he called or texted me? Had he changed his number? He said no, same number. I said I'd texted and called him and no response. He said simply, "my GF  gets mad." Hmmm.

Since he doesn't actually talk in complete sentences on yahoo messenger, I ask them and wait for answers. I was bold and pretty straightforward. Even though I'd been sound asleep moments earlier. The gist of his situation is this--he's back and forth with the same GF he'd cheated on with me that fateful June 25th day in that hotel room way back when I first started this blog!! Two years ago? Three? I can't even remember. Yes, same girlfriend.

I asked him if he was happy with her. He said, "comes and goes." WOW isn't he descriptive? What the hell does that mean??! So I poked and prodded him. Because I always feel that every single encounter with him could be the last. I try to get as much out of him every time JUST IN CASE.

He teased me back.  He said, "you'll be sad when I get married." So I said, "why is that?" hahaha I used to say things like, "oh, I know, I don't know how I'll handle it." But not now. He has worn me down. 

He didn't answer. So I said next, "So! When's the wedding?" and I was about to say, "so I can send my gift" but he quickly answered, "LOL I'm not getting married!" I've been down this road with him before and I know it will come one day. And no, I am not prepared, and yes, he's right, I WILL be sad. I'll be more than that though--I'll be distraught.

But I didn't want to tell him that. So I started teasing him back. I said, "Marry me". He said, "but you're already married." I said, "So I can marry you too. The three of us. I'll be faithful to you and my hubby."

He was like, hmmm, what do I say to that?? He just said, "How would that work?" and I said, "very well actually! You'll get everything you want. Emotionally, financially, in every way." I could tell he was intrigued.

I teased him further to show I wasn't jealous. I told him I didn't mind sharing him as long as he was in my life. I said he could date others even if I was faithful to him. He was just floored. He said, "are you trying to bribe me?" and I said, " Hey, whatever works!!" lol

I then said, "I'll be your GF is cute. Is she into girls? Let's have a 3sum!" He said, 'No, no, that part of my life with you is separate from her." boo hoo I said too bad LOL I told him I had a boyfriend in LA and that I'm going to see him in a few weeks (B). He got jealous! Yay! I told him, "nah, I'm just going to see my parents. I want to stop and see you" So we talked about me getting a posh hotel room near him and him coming to see me. He truly wants to, I know he does, but he is "trying to be a good boy" so I'm not planning on going to see him now.

That did lead to an interesting conversation about non-monogamy, and how it doesn't work for us or most people, although they won't admit it. I said, "do you think for a second your GF doesn't have the hots for other guys? Of course she does, but she can't tell you, just like you can't tell her about me." OH I forgot to tell you!!! I asked him about the card I sent. "What card?" was his response. I told him about it, and then asked, "does your GF get your mail?" he said yes, I said, "Well, that explains why you never got it. I'm certain she intercepted it." He said nothing.

So....anyway...he's still online, 2 days later, and writing me all the time again. Why now? What has changed?? Nothing, he's still involved with her. But I did tell him, "you always come back to me." After a long pause, he said, "you're right, I do." 

So we'll see where this goes. My heart has hardened and I'm tougher than I used to be. I get him now, like I never got him before, and I actually feel sorry for his girlfriend, because he has broken her heart so many times (I know from her poetry I found online--thank you again Google) and he will break it again. I don't know if I want him that badly anymore. We should both dump him!!!

Damn it's those blue eyes, those dimples, that sexy voice and the way he makes us feel.

Fuck.

A new movie is out about swinging

There's a new movie that just came out called, "Swinging With the Finkles", and I just heard about it. I saw the trailer, and I had to run straight to my laptop and tell you all about it! It stars Martin Freeman and Mandy Moore as your typical adorable but bored married couple who decide to spice things up a bit in the bedroom by swinging with another married couple. I have not seen it yet---I merely saw a pop-up ad for it on Facebook this morning.

If I were 20 years younger, I'd probably laugh my head off at this movie, like my teenage son did when he and his teenage friends watched "Hall Pass". The subtext goes right over their immature pre-frontal-cortex brains. I tried to have a conversation about that movie and it was futile--he thought it was insanely funny and for that, Hollywood succeeded.

This appears to me to be another lame Hollywood attempt to broach the subject of what to do when married couples hit that inevitable plateau in their sex lives. The biggest problem with these types of movies is that they are made to be palatable for everyone, because the more people that go to see it, the more money they'll make. And Hollywood is all about the bottom line.

Since I haven't seen the film (and intend to do so ASAP) I will instead offer what I wish Hollywood, or most likely, an Idie film company do. And readers, if you know of such a film exists, I hope you'll let me know.

It seems from the trailer that as this married couple decide to find another couple to swing with, they "interview" prospective couples from the living room couch the way you'd interview a housekeeper or babysitter.  Those of us who are ACTUAL swingers know it doesn't work that way! First of all, how did they end up on their couch? Will Hollywood show the Adult Friend Finder or Craigslist ads of this couple? No, probably not.

What I do like from the trailer, however, is the subject of man-with- man sex is addressed. But, of course, it appears it takes the subject lightly--"this doesn't mean I'm gay does it?" the husband asks the other man. "Of course not", he says. I would like to see a man embracing his bi-sexuality. Why can't he enjoy his gay side? If anyone cares to know this, the Kinsey scale on pure heterosexuality is not the norm.  I get so so tired of it being socially acceptable for women to be tit-on-tit but two penises touching? So scandalous!!! Check it out on Kinsey's official site: http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/research/ak-hhscale.html#what

I would like to see, and maybe if it doesn't exist I should write it---the serious, sometimes funny, always sexy and raunchy truth about swinging. Wouldn't you? Is America truly not ready for the truth? After all, "Swinging with the Finkles" is a British movie.

That's it. I'm doing it. I'm going to write it myself.

Who should star in it? How about two completely unknown and talented actors?

Gotta go.

Check out the trailer: http://youtu.be/6tKycPLM0po

time for a little contemplation...

Hello readers!!!  I welcome new readers and cherish my daily followers. I love to read your blogs as well and I always welcome your comments.

Since my hubby and I started this lifestyle, one of the things that's been the hardest is the secret factor. We have found we live in a sort of sexy bubble, and that very few people we've allowed inside. Friends we've told are usually in the lifestyle too, which is always a relief to be able to share this part of ourselves. We have told NO family, and honestly, with the exceptions of our lovers, only 5 people know. My two best GF's in the whole world and my hubby's best guy buddy he's known for over 20 years. And one other couple who we aren't intimate with (yet--wink wink). That's it. It's a very small circle.

Keeping this a secret can be challenging, especially with my cell phone. Even if it's on vibrate (ooohh) my kids have a knack for picking it up and saying, "mommy! Whos' Mickey?" and further, "who is 555-1212 and why do they keep calling you?" I have to be VERY careful.

Our worst fear, of course, isn't that the kids find out, it's that they suspect one of us is cheating on the other. We do agree that would be worse.

So--why don't we tell them??

We have been doing our research on that very subject. There is a great book we both just read tackling that subject--it's called "Love You Two" by Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli. It's a great work of fiction--the first of its kind actually, about a teenage daughter who stumbles across her mother's diary and finds out she has a male lover who is accepted by the father. It's a story of a teenage daughter's shock and hurt and confusion over this new information and how she deals with it. If affects her relationship with her mother of course. My biggest problem with the book is the father is rarely mentioned. He is just a silent, nodding-in-affirmation character with no voice. He never sits down and talks to her about his involvement or how it feels for him, and she doesn't really show any need to discuss it with him. All her emotion is directed at her mother. It is a good book in the way that I think her reactions are typical of what a teenager would do and feel.

We think our youngest would do fine. She's young enough, and she's actually said some interesting things to me from time to time that make me wonder if she somehow, on some level, already knows. For instance, we were at the beach a few weeks ago, and we were talking about her big brother (who's 16) and all the cute girls on the beach he'd like if he were with us. She said, "You should find a boyfriend Mommy!" I was like, "WTF??" So I said, "I'm married to your daddy sweetheart! I can't have a boyfriend too!" and she said, "Why not? You're hot and I see them stare at you!" OMG this came from my twelve-year-old!! I was perplexed. It would've been a perfect opportunity to tell her....only I was completely unprepared.

My Internet research has affirmed that the younger they find out, the easier it is for them to accept it. BUT--once they're in their teens, it really can be harmful and destructive. Emphasis on "can be"---all kids are different. It's something we think about all the time. In the meantime, we are just very careful.

When Mickey first came into our lives, our kids were very small. Our oldest was 8 and the youngest was 4. They went to bed at 10 and what we did after hours they didn't think to question. Weekend trips away? Yay! Fun with Grandma! It's so different now that they're older--they ask more questions--where did we go, who did we see? We have a great relationship with our kids--we are more open and honest with sex and we talk about everything--except our own sex lives.

Readers? I'm appealing to you. Those of you in the lifestyle with kids--how do you handle everything? Have you told your children, your parents, siblings, co-workers? Reactions? I'd really love to know.

Have a great day.
Love,
Anna XOXO

Hello dear readers, hope you're all enjoying this wonderful summer. I had a nightmare about snow last night LOL I just don't want this warm weather to end! I like walking around in a cami and Daisy-Dukes and flip-flops. I just can't imagine Uggs and gloves and all. Bleh!

Enough of that.

My phone has been busy as usual--haven't heard a peep outta Mickey for about a week, but B has kept me so busy I haven't missed him. He calls me almost every day, texts me constantly. Hubby and I talked over the weekend and we decided to try for his baby! I knew B was waiting to hear from me, so yesterday I just sent him this text--"Let's make a baby sexy man!" and that got the floodgates going!

O-M-G I can't describe what it feels like to have him call me all the time. This gorgeous, Johnny Depp lookalike actor and model on a very famous TV show. My kids would recognize him immediately. What would it be like to REALLY have his baby?? It would mean that he'd be in my life forever. It would mean getting to know him well, having him around. It's so weird. I remember being at his house, and the guys from his show called and they were getting together for a BBQ. I sooo badly wanted to go. I wanted to be asked. I wasn't. He didn't ask me to go with him. I remember feeling hurt and stupid and so skanky----I was good enough to sleep with but not pretty or famous enough to go to a cast party. It stung but I knew I had just met him and maybe in the future I'd be invited.

Well we moved clear across the country---and even though we're 1800 miles apart, he has apparently never stopped thinking about me. I asked him yesterday, "why me?" I mean, he's around gorgeous models all the time, and other famous actresses. He could get anyone. He just sighed and said he didn't want anyone else (to have his baby). He's not professing his love for me. I said, "you're crazy, you know that? " with a laugh. He told me I was crazy too. I said yeah I am. I really don't get him but whatever. I know I could fall in love with him, he's the most perfect looking guy I've ever seen, hung like a horse, but oh so sweet and tender and actually I sense he's fragile. The big ego hides it.

Darin is still in the picture, writes me on yahoo messenger almost every day. Just waiting till he says he's coming to town and we'll hook up. He's sooo fucking hot. I love his lip ring. Drives me nuts.

Remember Danny, the Abercrombie model?? OMG I was in the mall shopping for back-to-school clothes for my daughter, and there he was, a full-size wall pic of him waist up! I almost shit my pants. I just smiled and thought to myself about our nasty Skype fun and when I had a private moment, looked on my phone of the naked pics of him I took while he was on Skype. Yummmy. Damn! I must text him and see if the compliment hooks him back.

Back to B--he wanted to know when. I told him my band was going on tour and we needed to get together when we get back, that I'd go to the doctor and make sure I was good to go. Truth is, my friends, I doubt I can get pregnant. I went into early menopause (like 10 years too early!) but not sure of my fertility. I told him the truth and we'll see what doctor says. Would I lie just to fuck him again?? Absolutely!!

WOW!!!! B is back--full speed ahead!

OMG "B" hasn't stopped texting me, and today he called me 3 times. When I didn't answer, he texted me, "Pick up! Why won't you talk to me??" It was wonderful! I told him, "I'm at work. I can't talk." He said, "Just listen! All you have to do is listen!" I thought he was cute. I told him I'd go for a bathroom break and so I did and I called him back. It was amazing. His voice is smooth as chocolate pudding.

"Hi sexy!" he breathed with that velvet voice of his. "I'm so happy to hear from you!" We chatted for about 5 minutes--I had to get back to work. He told me, "You call me ANYTIME. I will pick up. Text me ANYTIME. I will text you back. You're #1". I was speechless.

It has been about 6 months since I last talked to him, so his response really caught me by surprise. He said he had never stopped thinking about me---even though I moved clear across the country. He's still talking about me having his baby! I played along, cuz I just can't understand a guy wanting someone he hardly knows to have his baby. He was all detail. He asked about my cycle and when I ovulate and all. Of course he then had to send me a pic of his 10 inch cock he was stroking thinking about us being together. He shot his cum into a shot glass and said, "Our children are in here!" I giggled, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I said, "Aw, how sweet!" hahaha I really couldn't believe it. If I told anyone who this was they'd never believe me. I'd be on every tabloid cover. It's enough to want to just have his baby and I'd be fucking famous.

He said he doesn't really want to be a full-time dad, he knows how I'm such a good mommy and so loving and I'd raise him/her amazing. He said such sweet things to me. He said my hubby would be the "REAL" dad and that he'd of course want to stay in touch and see the child but wouldn't interfere. He said he'd be curious what it would look like and be like, if he/she was musical like him and talented. I just played along cuz it was fun--and I loved the connection with him.

We texted all morning until the phone call. I needed a break from him he was so intense. I said I would think about it. He said talk to hubby and see what he thinks. Believe it or not, I'd do it. It would be awesome. I wanted to have Mickey's baby--I told him that last time we talked--he said too he knew I'd be a great mom cuz I am one--but he's not ready yet. I told him to let me know ;)

I remember when B and I were fucking---me on top, and his phone was on the night stand. It fucking rang constantly. It was either ringing or he was getting texts, it was ridiculous. I remember saying to him, "someone's trying to get ahold of you", it was so distracting and annoying. He said, "oh yeah, it's always like that." Such is the life of a movie star. So--to have him say, "call me anytime, I'll pick up. Text me anytime, I'll text you back", felt amazing. I felt so important to him. Wow, me??? Number one on your list? Ahead of the directors and casting people and managers and everyone?? Wow. I was speechless.

I sent him some of the pics I took for Darin last night--he loved them!! He said I looked better than ever, and, I quote--"Mmmmm u r sexy mommy, sexier than ever. (Anna) your body looks soooo sexy and fertile, let's put a baby in there".  hee hee sooo cute!  

It's almost 2:30 am. I just had to tell you. I am smiling ear-to-ear.

B pops back in the picture and I've got a new hottie!

Hello again dear readers, I just got back late last night and I was so wound up I couldn't sleep. I should've just grabbed my laptop and wrote this post because it was all I could think about!!!

Where do I begin??

Although not much has really happened this week--I went with hubby and kids to a family gathering out of state, it was all fine and good.  BUT----a drum roll please---tonight out of the blue B started texting me! For those of you who are new to my blog, B is an actor in Hollywood (near where I used to live) and a pretty big star. He's an actor and a model and last I was there,  he was on a HUGE billboard right outside the Chateau Marmont on the Sunset Strip. He is the hottest guy I think I've ever known--hmmm, maybe 2nd to Mickey LOL what can I say that guy is hot. B looks like like Johnny Depp. He even got to meet him and had a part in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. (small, no credit) If I wasn't married I'd marry him in a heartbeat.

I met him when hubby and I were in LA a year ago July. We were staying at the Chateau Marmont and actually had a craigslist ad for a 3sum. He answered, and I ended up going to see him alone. He lives in a mansion 3/4 of the way up the top of Mullholland Drive in the Hollywood Hills. (Anyway, for full story, check out July 12, 2010)

I hear from him sporadically, and I'm always glad to hear from him. He wants me to fly him out so he can get me pregnant! I don't know what it is about him and getting me pregnant! I'm thinking, jeez, you're the rich one, buy your own ticket dude!! haha we'll see if he does. I can't get pregnant anymore---but suffice it to say I'd never tell him cuz I'd love to keep banging him, that's for sure. So I sent him some of the sexy pics I took for Darin (see below) and he loved them. I love that even after a year, he still thinks of me and wants me to come see him, or better yet, he wants to come here and see ME!!

While he was writing me, my new beau I'll call Darin started texting me. He's fucking hot. He's 22, shoulder-length brown hair, brown eyes, and a drummer (I know, another drummer....). What can I say, I've got a thing for musicians!! He's beyond cute. Not mature-cute like B, who's 27 now. Anyway, I'm babbling. I put on a fashion show for him--I tried on a few sexy outfits and took pics of myself and kept sending them to him. He loved them. It was so fun. He was sending me pics of him too at the same time. It was so fun. I love his sense of humor and the fact that he thinks I'm absolutely gorgeous!! yay!!

All is quiet on the Nico and Mickey front. I'm not going to talk about Nico anymore after this. I don't know what his fucking problem is. I have NO FUCKING IDEA. But he's a liar--he said he doesn't play games and hates people who do. Why can't he have the balls to tell me what's wrong?? I honestly don't know what happened. As the days go by and I don't hear from him I just tell myself, he's 21. He's immature. WTF. There are 9 billion people on this planet. And judging from my dating site, there are plenty who want to meet me so I'll just keep searching. Just like Jake, something happened, I'll never know what.

OH! I forgot to tell you about my tennis date with my boss!!!

Well, I was nervous. I kept waiting for him to cancel but he didn't! I went to the front desk to check in and they said, "He's waiting on court 8 for you". I was like, wow! He got here early! I knew I looked cute in my pink tennis outfit and had my hair up nice and curly.

I could tell he was nervous too. It was very awkward to be honest--we both clearly have the hots for each other but he assumes since I'm married I'm off-limits, and I haven't ever been alone with him to tell him about our lifestyle. So......we played tennis. We started with just easy rallys and he got bored with that and wanted to compete, so we did. I beat him every game, and then my serves started to get horrible from nerves and he won 3 out of 7 (yay me!) so we played another round of best out of 7. I won again--4/3.  I love competing with a guy, it's so fun, and I always win ;)

We had the whole back court area to ourselves. I honestly didn't know what to talk about. We did chat in-between games and it was polite chat. Mostly work stuff, very little personal, but he did say something about how he can keep partying all the time, he's working on changing.  He loves living alone, said it was great. That was about it.

He texted me like crazy later that day and today. He wants to play again, asap. We made a date for this week again. He said he wants to play with me every week, to set up a regular playing schedule. I wonder what he thinks about me. Does he think I'm that hard up for a tennis opponent?? (cuz I'm not...)
But we're never going to get anywhere until we do something afterward--like go out for a beer or agree to meet at his apartment!!

So, here I am, horny and hoping something will happen. I'm sick of just texting and flirting. It's getting old. I want someone to show up and not just talk about it!!!

Have a good week everyone. Masturbate and think of me.

(Hee hee!!!)

Same old shit, different day, different guy

Hello my wonderful readers! I hope you are all staying cool in this unbearable heat we've been having. UGH this California girl hates this humidity! BLEH!

Did I ever tell you about my crush on my BOSS???!! Yes, I have a little crush on my boss. I'm certain he feels the same way. He told me once how he remembers the first time he saw me--it was the dead of winter and my hubby and I had gone into the restaurant he bartends at in the afternoon one day. He remembered everything I was wearing, and said I looked "HOT"!! WOW I was amazed! My girlfriend says his whole face lights up whenever he sees me. He's 32, and just moved out and got his own place--he'd been living with his girlfriend.

We text work stuff all the time, boring, but we had a few little flirts the last couple weeks. We both play tennis, and he's been asking me to play him, and everytime we make a date to play one of us cancels. First it was me, then it was him, then there were no courts available, and now we have a tennis date for today!  I am looking forward to it! I get nervous when I know he's watching me and I want to impress of course--I don't want to play badly--but it should be filled with flirtations on both sides so I am excited. Thankfully tennis is one of those sports with totally cute outfits!! YAY!! And I curl my hair and put it up so I look all cute and athletic hahaha

I'm not going to write about Nico. He won't text me back, and I've put myself out there and told him how much I miss him and wonder what I did wrong. His silence speaks volumes---I just wish I knew what I did or said to turn him off. I really have no clue. Lesson learned I guess--I shouldn't have let him read this blog. At least he should have the decency to tell me what I did, or said. It's cruel, it really is, to just ignore me the way he is. I keep hoping to hear that reassuring tri-tone announcement of a text from him saying something like, "I lost my phone", or "my phone went dead, couldn't find the charger", "nothing's wrong, I've just been crazy busy." etc. but as the days go by all I can do is just forget about him. I've gotten over other guys and I can get over him. I'm just SOOOOOOO disappointed!! He truly seemed different. I'm really hurt this time, and the worst part is, I can't even learn from this, I don't know what I did wrong. I surprised myself how much I began to care for him. So--since i don't have any other information otherwise, I will just keep telling myself he's just another asshole passing through my life. Very sad.

My girlfriend told me, "there are 9 billion people in this world. Keep looking!!" and so I am. My dating website never lets me down--I've got 2 new hotties I'm talking to, always hoping for someone who'll stick around and actually meet me and keep something going. I really felt like Nico was THE ONE who'd replace Mickey in my heart but alas, I guess not.

I said I wasn't going to talk about Nico.

Nico, if you're reading this, you know more about me than 99% of my closest friends. I trusted you; I thought what we had was something special.

I miss you.

----sigh----

P.S. I'm going out of town for the next week so I will post a new blog when I return. Until then, I love you my readers, and keep the comments coming! Remember you can send me a private email at Naughtyannahousewife@gmail.com and follow me on Twitter at NawtyAnaHotwife

Have a good weekend everyone!

Love,
Anna XO

Margaret Cho on "The Talk"---about her open marriage

Check it out!!!!

http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2011/06/margaret-cho-on-her-poly-life.html


Now that you've watched it, let me just add that polyamory is NOT polygamy folks!!! Look it up. Jeez.

It's been a strange week.....

That's for sure. Mickey's back, and Nico's gone AWOL.  Unless I contact him first, I don't hear from him. He had a date this week so guess his car is working--which makes me assume he's not interested anymore. He had said that nothing could keep him from me except the car not running...so I'm still holding out hope he'll text me tomorrow and say he's still coming on Saturday, but at this point, I haven't heard from him all week except the one time I texted him. --sigh--I'm very sad, this was a good guy, I still really like him. A lot. Oh well. :`/

Mickey has contacted me every single day this week but yesterday! He writes me in the wee hours of the morning when he gets home from work and he stays up till about 8 am his time and then says "goodnight" and then logs off and it's another 24 hours till I hear from him again. He got on his webcam! Mine wasn't working for whatever stupid reason--but I could see him! OMG I haven't seen his face since August 9th last year when he came to visit. He looks as hot and sexy as always. His hair is short, but not as short as I'd imagined (like a buzz-cut). I was longish around his face, jet-black and he looked really really cute. That disarming smile. Soooo wicked. Dimples and perfectly white and straight teeth. I think all the time about posting a pic of him on here so you could all see him. But--I can't do that. DAMN!!! Maybe some day I'll come out of the proverbial closet and post all my gorgeous men and ladies on here!

Anyway--tee hee--I got sidetracked there for a second---nothing really erotic happened except Mickey was in these boxers he was proud to show off to me--and then took his penis out and flipped it around for me, laughing and being silly the whole time. It was erotic and hilarious at the same time. Then he just pushed it back in his boxers and sat back down on the couch. It was fun. I love that side of him, the silly, mischievous kid. We just chatted then about nothing I can remember--it was just so nice seeing his face again after almost a year.

He told me he was living with his girlfriend, but had JUST broken up with her. He said, and I quote, "so you can come see me now." Yes, he actually said that. Then I said, "or you come here? I'll let you drive my car!" For you new readers, he loves loves loves my car. (I can't tell you what it is. I have to stay anonymous or I'll have to stop writing.)  He said, "I WILL see you again." yay! I love that I'm first on his mind again. For now.

He's so far away, and I'm lonely and horny now, and I'm frustrated with all these guys who tell me how "hot" I am but just fade away after a few days of texting and exchanging pictures. WTF?? Am I scaring them all away?? My hubby says it's cuz I'm married. They're afraid of The Husband. I guess I have to remember that it's unusual what we do and who we are, and most people think it's weird.

But the thing is, I'm honest and straightforward on my website and I never lie about being married, or that I'm in love with my husband. And that we are swingers, and that although we love threesomes we do allow each other "hall passes" as it were. The guys I talk to always say they don't care, that it doesn't matter, but when it comes time to pin them down for a date, they disappear. It gets so annoying.

I've got so many phone numbers in my cell now I get the guys mixed up. Seriously!! One night I thought I was writing Nico and I was writing a guy I didn't want to have anything to do with. His profile pic was hot but then when we started texting he sent a pic that I didn't care for at all. This happens ALL THE TIME.  VERY ANNOYING!!!! Anyway, I'd say that at any given moment, I've got about 3-5 guys I'm trying out to see if any of them are willing to follow through on their promises.

I'm very picky about who I sleep with. I'm not a sex addict. I'm a love addict. I love the attention, I love the compliments and I love knowing that they're thinking about me. I love knowing that I'm wanted and sought after. When the texts stop coming, it's painful for me and hard for me to just switch it off. I don't give just anyone my number--I get about 25 new messages a day and believe me, I hardly ever write anybody back. So when I do, I mean business. I will show up and sleep with them--if they'd fucking show up!!!!

I'm very tired and sad about Nico's apparent change of heart right now. My hubby has also been out of town for nearly a week and I am lonely and exhausted from work. Nico's been stringing me along for going-on  3 weeks now with the whole  car not working bit and I know I will be sooo sad and disappointed if he doesn't write me tomorrow and tell me he's coming to see me. I will be trying my damndest not to write him first. I'm sure I'll fail at it.

I guess that's it for now.

Bleh.

Same old song and dance--Mickey's back

Mickey is back in my life! According to him, he was never out! He had no idea what I was talking about.

I stay invisible on yahoo messenger a lot, hoping to see that little yellow circle next to his name, which indicates he's online. Remember i googled him and saw he was online playing video games? Yes, I haven't forgotten that. WELL-------yesterday morning, I saw it. The little yellow circle. My heart started pounding and for a moment wasn't going to write him. What the hell, I thought, I'm used to the abuse, I'm sure he won't write me back. He did. The usual, "Hey! What's up?" as if no time had passed. 

He seemed the same old Mickey, just work and struggling to pay his bills. He said he was seeing someone, and teased me they were talking about getting married. As I was choking on his words, he wrote, "j/k---had you worried there huh?" I teased him again about having his baby and what cute kids we'd make and how we are destined to end up together somehow. He agreed. It was fun, it was just like it always is with him.

So I was still in shock, my heart still pounding, wondering, WTF? Jeez get a load of this! He said he never got any of my messages (even the last one, where I said, "Why are you such an asshole!!!") lol I told him, "I wrote you a dozen messages over the last month. You never got any of them?" "nope", he said. Here's why--he said he was robbed. He was in the shower, and he heard his door slam while he was in there. He ran out and realized his phone, wallet, and computer were gone. 

He said he just put this computer together. I believe him because he told me and showed me how he put his iphone 4 together--he'd wanted the white one and bought pieces to it online and put it together. He's handy with computers, he really is, so anyway, he was on iChat and on his webcam and wanted me to get on mine. Unfortunately, yesterday is my busiest day of the week and couldn't. He desperately wanted me to get on with him, and how I wish I could've. 

When I got home from work, he wrote me again. HE WROTE ME FIRST! yes, I know that hardly ever happens and when it does it makes me happy. He was begging me to get on my webcam together but I couldn't. I was having dinner with my family and just not the right time. He was teasing me, telling me what he was wearing, and what he was going to do for me. It was so fun, we were connecting again.

I was disappointed but hey, I'm a patient gal, leave him wanting me. hee hee

Earlier when we were chatting, he'd said he'd cut all his long black hair off! He had said some time back he was going to---I wanted to see how he looked sooo bad. He had confided in me he was really a blonde and had been dyeing it! With his amazing blue eyes I bet he looks good anyway. He said he cut it for work when he got his promotion and all, but he missed his long hair and is trying to grow it out. 

The other thing he said was that he wanted me to fly out to see him, but now he's seeing someone. I took that opportunity to tell him about Nico. I didn't say much, cuz I know how jealous he gets, but I did say that I was seeing someone who reminded me a lot of him and treats me the way I wanted you to treat me. 

If given the chance, I'd tell him more. Sometimes he asks questions about the guys I'm seeing and gets real curious. I know he'd feel threatened by Nico if he knew more. How he and I are Facebook friends, and I'm not his dirty little secret. How he makes me feel the way Mickey used to make me feel. How I trust him more than him, and I haven't even met him yet. 

I'm surprised that I'm not in the least jealous or curious about the girl he's seeing. I know he will tire of her and come back to me. He hurts everyone who cares about him. I feel so much better about him now--I really don't care what he does. It's been more than 8 years we've known each other, and it's taken me this long to see the pattern. I'm the only one left standing, time and again, and he always comes back to me. 

At this point, I'm happy to have him back in my life, but I feel differently than i thought I would. This time, I have no expectations for his behavior. He pops in, he pops out. But I guess he never stops thinking of me either. I'm soooooo glad I met Nico, and that my life is moving forward here. I'm not living in the past anymore, nor living in some fantasyland where Mickey moves here and we live happily ever after. I know now it'll never happen, and so I don't think about it anymore. 

Yes, of course that's what I truly want, but I feel free of that fantasy now. I have completely stopped asking him to move here. It has to come from him, from a deep longing for me and a better life than the one he's living 1800 miles away from me. I can't force it. I feel really free. I can love him and have him pop in and pop out, and I think I get him now. He's a bit of a drama queen, there's always a broken or stolen phone or computer. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. He's a squirrel trying to get a nut--he's a hard worker but the rest of his life is so chaotic. He makes poor choices a lot and he's really immature--I didn't realize it until I met Nico, who's younger than Mickey. Jake too, and Danny, these guys are 18 and 19 and have their shit together more than Mickey. I will always love him, and he knows all he has to do is snap his fingers and I'll come running.

Who knows? Maybe that's not true anymore. 

On second thought, it's not.

A new hottie for me!! yay!!!!

Ah, I love you my readers! Thank you for the prodding. I know I'm behind again--I had a house full of guests from out of state--NO unfortunately not the kind I was hoping for LOL but got my house back so now I have my privacy again. A lot has happened so I need to get this blog updated.

First of all, my plan to meet Jake was interesting! We had rented a houseboat the day of his concert, and we didn't get there till his band was playing like the last 5 minutes of their last song!! I was so bummed but glad I got to see him play a little. He's the drummer, and he was playing shirtless (--sigh--so yummy) and his band was actually pretty good. When the song ended, he tossed his drumsticks into the crowd, it was so rocker-esque I had to laugh.  Their were a few hundred people there, and a bunch of teen girls in the band's logo T-shirts, it was cute. They had groupies! I felt out of place, but I was determined to see him.

They were busy packing up, and I went around backstage to the exit door, hoping to catch him. It was blocked off. I couldn't get through. I realized I had to give up my fantasy of seeing him. He was there, I was there, it had been over a month, and I hadn't heard a peep out of him. My common sense knew I should just walk away and let it go. I looked good, I wanted him to see me, I wanted him to know I came to support him and his band, but it looked like it wasn't going to happen.  My hubby gave me a hug and said he was sorry it turned out this way. So I did--I walked away.

We went to get something to eat, and i just couldn't stop thinking about how many thousands of people were at this music festival--and how he and I were here, but not together. I really was missing him. I didn't even want to be there anymore. He was my reason for going. I couldn't help but scan the crowd for his face as we walked. And lo and behold, there he was!! He was standing in the middle of where everyone was walking, talking to his guitarist and a girl. I literally stopped dead in my tracks and went over to them. He was wearing a purple t-shirt and jeans and he looked as amazing as I'd remembered.

"Hi there!" I said to him, and I'm sure my knees were wobbly. The three of the stopped talking and just stared at me. Jake looked like a fucking deer in the headlights. He liked, bobbed his head back in disbelief. I said, "You guys were awesome!!" (he didn't need to know I only heard 5 minutes!!!) He said, "you saw us??" and I said, "I told you I bought tickets, remember?" he said, "WOW you came!" like he was happy. He outstretched his arms wide and smiled at me. "C'mere! he said and gave me a huge hug. It was wonderful.

After we hugged, he introduced me to the guitarist (don't remember his name) and the girl was his GF. He was very nice, she was cold as ice, staring at me like I was an enemy. The guitarist was super outgoing and friendly; I can't remember now what he was saying but as he was talking I was thinking, damn, this guy is HOT! And he's nice to me! The whole meeting lasted like, 3 minutes. I was happy I saw Jake, and I knew I looked hot, tan and thin and my hair looked good, makeup and all. I had primped just for him--I had fantasized about this moment for a whole month. I said something about nice meeting you to the guitarist and his GF and looked at Jake and said it was nice seeing him. He gave me another hug---initiated BY HIM MIND YOU and I said a sexy "bye" and waved and walked away. I have still not heard a peep from him.  Which I expected--but STILL. I sent him 2-3 pics of him and his band I'd taken while they were performing and thought I'd at least get a "thank you" but nah, nothing. Oh well. He's only 19 (just had a birthday) so who knows. My band is going to play this festival next summer so things will heat up, I just know it. I'm going to have our manager book our bands together ;)

Mickey is completely out of the picture now. Not returning any of my text or responding to any of my yahoo messenger texts. I saw him online a few times but nothing. I finally told him, "I don't know what's going on with you--but I'm here. I love you and all the ignoring in the world won't change that." That was 2 weeks ago. I googled him--yep, needed to know WTF?? Is he dead somewhere??? and it turns out he's online like 24/7 playing those stupid video games. "Black Ops" or what-the-fuck who gives a shit??? If he'd rather play video games than talk to me fuck him. I don't give a fuck. It's easy to let him go. I don't come second to a fucking video game.

I was trying to get him to text me back. What's worked in the past is when I'd say, "are you upset with me?" he'd always write back, "no, just busy sweety." this time nothing. And after I met Jake, I told him, "I met someone....." and he wrote back, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!! say it isn't so!!!" But this time, no response. Hmmm. I guess the GF is checking his texts and he's on a tight leash. I'm going to just sit this boy out for awhile. He always comes back. That I can count on--Mickey ALWAYS comes back.

Of course--it's easier to let him go now cuz there's someone new in the picture.....someone who I can't believe I actually told him about this blog and he's reading it! He loves it, but i feel like I can't talk about him knowing he's reading it. I will say this for you readers---he is everything so far that I used to get from Mickey. Back in the day, when he'd text me all day long, or text me back immediately when I'd text him. Mickey used to make me feel soooo wanted, so loved, so needed. And Nico, as I will call him, is doing that for me now. We "met" on that dating website 2 weeks ago. He contacted me. He wrote me the sweetest message. Most guys just say things like, "You're beautiful. I have a big cock, do you want to suck it?" and totally grosses me out. Nico didn't write anything like that. He did compliment me which was sweet and told me about himself. Honestly?? Between his pics and his profile, he is so much like Mickey it's eery. They both have a lot of tattoos and gauged ears and both are young (Nico is only 21! Mickey is 26) but the similarities are numerous. But of course, Nico is not Mickey. Nico is mature for his age and treats me so much better. I've known Mickey 8 years now, and he treats me like shit.

I haven't even met Nico yet! We had plans to meet last Saturday night but he said he had car trouble. I didn't believe him at first cuz I've heard it before. But I do now. I saw that he'd written it on his Facebook page. Yes, we are even Facebook friends. Mickey would never accept me. I was his dirty little secret. I feel like I'm healing through Nico.

We Skyped a few nights ago---WOW readers you MUST try it!! It's soooo fun!! I was so nervous at first, and for some reason my stupid webcam wouldn't work but I got to watch Nico jerk off for me. It was soooo exciting! OMG I was totally turned on! It was a shame he couldn't watch me cuz I couldn't help but touch myself watching him! It was fun seeing him as if I was right there. He's cute and sexy and so sweet. He lives so far away though--about 2-1/2 hours--but he seems unaffected by it. He said he's getting his car fixed and plans to come see me next weekend. So, we'll see, I'm not jaded but it's hard to get my hopes up.

Thankfully, my band is going well, although we lost another bass player. We're auditioning more this week but it's frustrating. We are ready to gig and we lose momentum and time. Between my job as a bartender and the band, I'm finally happy here. I am happy when I hear from Nico, he always makes my day that's for sure. Did I mention I have a huge crush on him???

OMG I totally forgot to mention my hubby has a new hottie too! She's someone he used to work with with his old company. She was just an hourly and of course he was the vice president, so they hardly had any contact. She found him out of the blue on FB and she lives in another state, but she's had the hots for him bad! I've been texting her--guess she's bi--and she thinks I'm gorgeous and she looks like a Suicide Girl--green eyes and black hair and tattoos--SHE'S gorgeous! She may come visit us. The girl we had a threesome with a few months ago wants to come visit too. Not sure how I'm feeling about that. She's the one I freaked out on, but we've been texting and things are good.

Whew! That was a lot to get caught up on. Let me know what you think my dear readers. I love your comments and emails--and thanks for the Skype offers you devislish nasty male readers out there! hahha That's just for Nico.

Have a great day everybody!!!

Love,
Anna XOXOXOX

Skype sex with a new hottie!

Hello my wonderful readers, I'm sorry it's been like 3 weeks since I've written. The kids are out of school for the summer and I can't get a moment's privacy! I like to write first thing in the morning when the coffee kicks in. I'm finally having some time to myself so of course my first thought is, BLOG!!!

Since I wrote last, I have not heard from either Jake OR Mickey. I have not tried to contact Jake--I'm leaving him 100% alone. His band will be playing a gig here this Friday! Hubby and I got tickets and we're going to see him. I'm determined to meet him after the gig face to face. Of course I know it will be awkward, especially with my hubby there, and I'm certain nothing will come of it, but you know me, I never do what I'm supposed to do. I'm sure I will get hurt again and wish I hadn't seen him, but I can't seem to help myself. I do miss him and I know he'll be polite at least.

I don't know what the fuck is up with Mickey. I don't know why he contacts me out of the blue, tells me he misses me, and then disappears. It's as if he's off the face of the planet. He isn't online, he isn't texting or answering his phone when I call. I know he said he was struggling when he texted last, and he'd mentioned getting rid of his phone. He's got a good job--I can't imagine why he can't afford Internet or his phone. SO.......I assume he doesn't want to talk to me again. He makes me crazy. But the good thing is, I don't obsess over him anymore. It is REALLY a relief. I can stand back and say, well, there goes Mickey, doing his crazy thing again, playing cat and mouse, and not take it personally. Whether or not he responds to my texts, or says what I need him to say, do NOT dictate my moods anymore. It is such a relief.
                                                          
                                                         *************
The best cure for heartbreak is a new guy, and I had this really cute blonde 19 year old writing me on my dating website. I hadn't written him since I was all caught up in Jake. He was persistent though, and I was ripe for a new lover, so I wrote him back. He gave me his phone number and we started texting. What I loved most about Danny is that he always texted back immediately!! And I decided I'd play harder to get....I seem to keep getting attached too easily and so decided to let him court me. I just adore him. The best part was, he did what no other guy, even Jake, would do---for example, I was at work one day, and I got a text from him that said he was in his (college) physics class and was thinking about me! How wonderful is THAT???!! I enjoyed that so so much. He went on to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am, can't wait to get me naked, etc. and we sent sexy pics to each other. While he's sitting in class! That was so fun. OH! And I forgot to mention he's an Abercrombie model! He said his picture is up in their stores all over the country! (guess who's going to the mall soon!)

He lives near Jake in the big city, and wanted to scope me out before he drove out here, so he asked if I had Skype. I didn't, but it was easy to get on there and before I knew it, there he was! OMG what a fucking hottie! He's a swimmer, and he took off his pants and boxers, right there on camera, and put his speedo on! OMG he's hung like a horse and gorgeous to boot. Of course it got very nasty after that--he began stroking himself and of course I started teasing him and took of my clothes one at a time for him too. It was so fun--unlike yahoo messenger, you don't have to type to talk to each other, you just talk! So we got along great. Before the clothes came off we chatted for about an hour, and before I knew it, he'd made himself cum all over himself, and it was 3 am!! We'd been online for three hours! It was awesome. He giggled afterward, and we both agreed we'd passed the test for attractiveness! So, we made plans for him to possibly come see me in two days, last Friday. I told him I'd get a hotel room. We said our goodnights with sexy plans to do all those nasty things in person.

I haven't heard from him since.

WTF here we go again??? What did I do wrong???

I knew he had plans to go to Magic Mountain with a buddy. He'd told me right up when we were Skyping, and who knows, maybe that was just a lie.  So he texted me Friday afternoon, simply, "hey, I am really not going to be able to make it up tonight sorry :(" I responded, It's ok sexy man! I kinda figured since ur having a big day lol". no response. Later that same night I wrote, "I hope we can meet soon" no response. The next morning I wrote, "HI sexy man", still nothing.

Hmmm so it's been a whole weekend and not a peep out of him. WTF I guess I messed up again.

So back to square one.

WTF

Another one bites the dust--and Mickey sniffs around again

About 3 days after our sexy weekend,  Jake stopped texting me. I don't know what I did wrong. Here we go again. Same situation, different guy. WTF!?!?!?! I'm so sick of this.  GUYS LISTEN UP OUT THERE----TELL US THE TRUTH.

Or give us a gentle lie. Here are the reasons I've come up with why Jake doesn't want anything to do with me again:

1. He's found someone else. (she's younger, cuter, funnier, dresses better, etc.)
2. He's starting to fall for me and it can't go anywhere cuz I'm married
3. I said something I shouldn't have (told him I missed him)
4. I did something I shouldn't have (texted him)
5. He saw me as a piece of ass. (and I saw him as something more)


There are a lot more choices but they're so pathetic I can't bring myself to write them. It's bad enough how much I've beaten myself up over it. I have been in a funk ever since. I can't even listen to music lately--every song just seems to get on my nerves.

Here's what I know--like a detective trying to solve a case--he told me I was the best he'd ever had. He said it sincerely. (he's only 18---I believed him!) And as great as the sex was, it was the way he held me all night long that did it for me. I've never been with a guy that liked to cuddle all night long the way he did. It was tender. It wasn't a 'wham-bam-thank you ma'am" at all.

I bought tickets to see his band in concert. We were chatting about it. Then he stopped texting. I didn't think anything of it. Then a day later, I wrote, "the weather is so dreary today--wish I was back in bed with you :)". No response. I waited a WEEK to text back! (I was so proud of myself!) I wrote, simply, "Hi sexy". No response. I waited about 10 hours, then wrote, "I miss you...are we ok?" still no response.

The next day I composed myself and wrote, "Hi Jake, hey I don't know if your phone isn't working or you just don't want to talk to me. So I just want you to know I'm glad I met you. You made me feel things no one has ever made me feel." Then, "You opened up my heart and I was starting to really feel something for you. I honestly hope to see you again." I thought, and waited, no response. 15 min later my closing statement--"And I wish I knew what you were thinking. When I drove away I thought things were fine."

That was a week ago.

I've cried so much over him, it really caught me by surprise. I realize the good that's come out of it, and I don't regret him at all. I am completely over Mickey, who, by the way, texted me at 6 am today out of the blue. Said he misses me like hell. I think he fell asleep cuz he stopped texting but the difference is I DON'T HONESTLY CARE ANYMORE. It's a great feeling. I'm free from Mickey. I don't think he can hurt me again. I'm too wrapped up in Jake.

I guess it's not Jake I miss so much, he's merely the messenger. I got the best sex of my life, and I felt loved. For that night, I was loved. He loved me the only way he knows how, with his body. He can't give me any more. And I want more. Nearly 20 years I've been married, and I got something from someone else I've never had. It was amazing.

My self-esteem has taken such a beating though. I can't help but pick apart everything I said, looking for the "deal breaker", as Dr. Phil would say. Something I said, or did, caused him to say or feel, "that's a deal breaker. I'm done with her." BUT WTF WAS IT?????

I swear, whatever I've thought of can't be worse than what it was. I know I didn't fart. I'm a great lover. He told me so. We had 2 amazing nights together. I know he was smitten with me. He told me he told his friends about me. So, where did it all go wrong??

Well, I'll probably never know.

But I have a new fantasy.

His band is going on tour. They have 17 gigs this month. I am NOT texting him (not even tempted actually--I can't take being ignored). We have tickets to his concert July 1st. I"m going to look amazing, and go up to see him afterward. He will be happy to see me, I know he will. And who knows--he may get lonely on tour. He told me he's not excited about being cooped up with his bandmates in dinky motel rooms for a month.

I'm going to give him a chance to miss me. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. If I was truly the best he'd ever had, and if he was getting feelings for me too, he will miss me. And he will contact me. If not, I will just show up after his concert and say hi.  Maybe he will be wondering, as he sits alone in those motel rooms, "did she buy tickets? Is she coming to see me?" and maybe, just maybe, he'll text me. I'm hoping he will. It's my favorite fantasy, I think about it constantly.

And at 7:45 am today (5:45 Mickey's time), I was dropping my daughter off at school when I got a text. From Mickey. It's been since May 20th since I last heard from him. Took him 3 weeks to miss me, but miss me he does. I was happy to see his name pop up on my screen. I just sat and looked at it, and smiled. We wrote back and forth for about 15 min and then he stopped texting. At least this time I don't really care if he writes back or not. I absolutely love how he doesn't have the power to hurt me right now. Does this mean I'm really over him??? After 6 years?? Yes, I think it does. And it's a wonderful feeling. I can enjoy his attention but I don't need it anymore.

I'm back on the dating website, and I'm juggling like 6 guys right now. Not that I want to. It's that they show interest, we exchange pics, and 90% of them turn out to look nothing like their profile pics, or they live too far, or "how about next week?" so whatever. Right now really the only one I want to hear from is Jake but it ain't happening, so I'm looking for my next lover.

I'll let you know what Mickey does next. I invited him to come visit me. I'm not holding my breath.