blogger lost my last post

Scary how a glitch in the system, or whatever the fuck was going on, led to yesterday's post being lost. I am reminded that the cyber world is not a real one, and in the blink of an eye, it can all disappear.

Guess I ought to print out everything I've posted, just in case.

the origin of marriage--check this out!!!

the origin of marriage---check out this link. In my journey to rid myself of my insecurities and jealousy issues, I thought it interesting to check out the very definition of what a marriage is, where it began,  where it is now, and where it is going. Today's paper has a front page article about marriage called, "Married Households Wane".  So far, in my Internet searchings, I have found one instance where men "owned" women, but not where a woman ever "owned" a man.

In other words, in a marriage, to me, each gives to the other freely.

It is the 21st century people. What marriage used to mean, and what its purpose was, has changed radically in the last 40 years. We no longer "need" to get married, we get married because we WANT to BE married. But what does that actually mean? Are we living today by yesterday's antiquated notions of what a marriage is?

I just think of my "vanilla" friends who are caught up in jealousy and possessiveness. The way I am right now, in other words. It's exhausting, and really pointless. Think about how hard vanilla couples try to stay faithful to one another. I have some very good friends that are young, in their 30's, and it's just about all the wife thinks about. The husband travels frequently with his job, leaving his young pretty wife alone with the kids most weekdays, and she worries he's cheating on her. Knowing him, he may be--he's good-looking, arrogant and charming. But she's no slouch either---she's a Britney Spears lookalike, and gets plenty of looks.  She brags that one time they were out at a bar and a guy was checking her out and her husband punched him. Punched him! Is that how we deal with attractions to other people? We punch them out????

Now, she didn't even admit to being attracted to this other guy. But I'm sure it's not the first time someone had given her attention, and believe me, I know how lonely my friend is. Instead of spending all her time worrying about what her husband may or may not be doing on his business trips, why not have some fun of her own? What if they had an open marriage instead? What if they were both open to the idea that they will always be attracted to other people, and if they allowed themselves to stop feeling shameful they could improve their relationship?

I know, this is a big leap from a guy who punches another just for looking at his girl. You might call him a Neanderthal, but isn't it only natural to fight for someone you love? Who can blame him? He is only acting like he's been taught. We've all been taught that when we fall in love, we OWN that person's heart. YOU ARE MINE. DON'T LOOK AT HIM/HER.  As a relationship goes from those first flirtations to long-term, it's in our nature to look around and see what else is out there.

Dr. Laura says to channel that flirtation back into your marriage. We do that. It's not enough. The sexual drive is so strong, and yes, we're not wild animals, we have the ability to reason and not act out.

But how happy are most long-term married folk? How many have secretly had affairs? What if that wasn't necessary? Imagine being able to have your cake and eat it too.

Imagine being in a relationship that was free. Free from ownership. Free from jealousy. Free from insecurities, free from worrying that our loved one will flee. If you have evolved from all that as my one girlfriend has (the one in the open marriage I told you about the other day) then you can have a wonderful marriage.

She says you can't stop your loved one from falling in love with someone else. How good does it feel to be controlling? I know my vanilla friends are very possessive of one another and frequently argue--"I saw you looking at her tits!" This diminishes her worth in her eyes, every time he does look at another woman's breasts. But does it have to be that way? What if it had nothing to do with her? What if she were to fully enjoy the gaze of another man? What if she allowed herself to enjoy his touch? Would it diminish their love for each other?

Most married couples would answer "YES!! ABSOLUTELY!!' In many wedding vows are the words, "....and forsake all others". That's not hard in the beginning as you feel the fluttery butterflies of new love. But what happens as 10 years, 15 year + go on? As the tediousness and routineness of married life, especially once kids come. We grow, we change, our needs change, and as we age, we need different things and different people. I know I have different friends, why not different sexual partners?

I know,  I know, this is way out there for most people. I'm still new at this myself, even though we've been swinging for over 6 years, I realize I'm still very jealous and possessive of my husband. I don't own him, I don't own his heart or his penis just because he married me.

There are different definitions of what a marriage is, and for some, if not most people, totally monogamy is the way to go. I am finding out that even though that is what I thought I wanted, it isn't what suits me nor my husband anymore.

Sometimes it makes me sad to think of our wedding day, I couldn't imagine ever looking at another man or having sex with anyone else. And I struggled for years after meeting Mickey--what did it mean that I loved this other man? I knew I hadn't stopped loving my husband, in fact, we were closer than ever. I felt so fucked up, how could this be?? This wasn't how I was raised!!! What's wrong with me??? What's wrong with us???

It's taken all this time, experience, reading, lots of therapy and good friends and a great husband to realize that we can redefine what a marriage means to US and have it be different than what a marriage might mean to someone else. No one else has to know, no one else has to approve. It is between the two of us.

18 years ago, we vowed to love one another (we left out the "forsake all others", interesting?") and we do. I am 100% committed to staying married to him and love him deeply. I know he feels the same way. It's very hard overcoming a lifetime of "shoulds" and roles we can't play. But we're in this together, and together, we'll fight for our relationship without punches. Without jealousy, without possessiveness.
Without ownership.

I have a long way to go, but I'm excited for the journey.

A happy ending

Hello and welcome to my new readers! I'm always happy to see new readers and I welcome your feedback. I am anonymous on here so I can be as honest as possible, no-holds-barred honest, and hope you'll do the same for me.

A long talk with a close girlfriend of mine made all the difference in the world in how things have turned out for me and my hubby. She is in an open relationship as well (but not married and no kids) but nonetheless, committed to her boyfriend of 6 years. She has done a lot of work on herself--gone to women's retreats, lots of therapy, and lots of reading and meditation and years of hard work on herself and her self-esteem issues. She is where I think my hubby is right now, and I'm where they both began. I have a long way to go.

At the core of what's going on with me and my hubby, and the disastrous week we've had, she said, is me. The problem, is me. WOW that was hard to swallow. How could it be MY fault? I told her the whole story. She insists it's still ultimately my fault. WOW guess you could call that a good friend. She wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear ('he's an insensitive dickweed!") but the truth as she saw it.

The basics of what she was trying to say is this--Just because we're married doesn't mean I own his penis. Or his heart, or his mind, or his anything. He is with me because he WANTS to be with me, not because he's being CONTROLLED BY ME. She insisted no one owns anybody.  


She said it's vital to remember that. I DON'T OWN MY HUSBAND JUST BECAUSE I'M MARRIED TO HIM. And, likewise, he doesn't own me. We are on this planet to love many people. How can one person be the be-all and end-all to one other person???? It's impossible. Look at me! For God's sake, how many lovers do I juggle? I had to admit she was right. As much as I love my husband, he is not enough for me. I need others. I can love others. I love Mickey, and I sure as hell don't want to give him up, and my hubby has not asked me to. He is evolved enough to realize that I need him, and he makes me happy, and in turn, makes my hubby happy. I can give part of me to someone else, and it benefits my marriage.

It is true. I have never understood how being with other guys sexually has made me more in love and happier with my husband, but it's true. I spent 4 years in therapy, bi-weekly, trying to answer that question: "is there something wrong with my marriage that I'm attracted to other people?" I never got a yes answer, because no matter how many ways we sliced it, I wasn't unhappy with my husband. He's wonderful.  He just is unable to complete me just as I can't complete him.

I cried realizing this. I just felt so bad for the poor guy. After all I'd put him through with Mickey, I was finally able to feel the pain and agony he'd endured to get over his overwhelming jealousy when I first met Mickey. I was oblivious and impervious to his pain because I was so smitten I didn't want to see it. How cold I was! Oh my God, I just cried for my hubby. He loved me, and loves me enough, to allow me to have Mickey, and others, because I need them. I'm not fucked up, I'm needy, I'm normal, and he gets me. How lucky I am.

Armed with this new way of looking at the situation, all the anger I felt towards my hubby for not being able to read my mind; all the anger I felt at him not "knowing instinctively" what I was thinking, and all the rage I felt at him being attracted to another woman and wanting her sexually, it all just evaporated. It was so freeing.

I don't want you to get the idea that I'm a totally different person now. I still have a ton of work to do. I am jealous and insecure and the thought of my hubby fucking another woman in a hotel room and spending the night with her makes me crazy. BUT-----it's not about me. It's about HIM and his physical body and having physical needs met by another woman--- but I am not diminished by it. And if he falls in love with her, how could I stop him? Could I stop him from falling in love with her by demanding he stay away from her? How well does that work in traditionally monogamous marriages? It doesn't.

By demanding I be his one and only, I'm a toddler having a tantrum. "Don't look at other women. Don't touch them. Don't want them. You're MINE!" Jeez it sounds like kids fighting over a toy or the last cookie in the jar. Do you want to be treated that way? Of course not, and neither do I.

When my husband got home from work, thankfully the kids were in their rooms otherwise occupied so we had a little bit of time alone. He still seemed afraid of me, afraid to say anything at all. Afraid I'd attack him again with my venomous tongue. But we just hugged, so tightly, and I cried and sobbed, saying how sorry I was. He pet my hair, and cried too, and he asked me what had changed. I told him about my talk with my GF and that I vowed to get a therapist and work on my insecurity and jealousy. I told him it was MY fault, and that I was genuinely sorry.  He accepted, and I did tell him there was one thing I needed him to understand. That for his first time with another woman, it did seem too intimate. The whole 4 hour drive to see him, the dinner, the drinks, the entire night spend in a hotel room, AND since he changed hotels, 2 more hours with her in the morning. How intimate that appeared, and how threatening that was to me. He got it. I said, "even with Mickey, I have NEVER had an evening with anyone, followed by an entire night and morning together. Can you understand that?" and he said yes.

I said, "I could work up to that. But this wasn't you and her banging each other. This was a fucking date. You invited her, it was prearranged, and yes, I felt threatened." He nodded and agreed he could see my point. He told me time and again he doesn't have feelings for her other than a close friendship, and I said it's ok if he does, he just needs to be honest with me. Of course, before we can be honest with others, we have to be honest with ourselves. We promised we would take it slow and talk more as we proceed from here.

Anyway, we talked and talked, which was a miracle that the kids didn't interrupt. I began to cook dinner,  and he took out a bottle of wine and two pretty glasses. "Wine?" I asked him. He smiled. I smiled, and I knew we were going to be ok.

Oh, and we had sex. It was great.

WHEW! What a week.

Aftermath

When my hubby got home from his business trip Thursday night, things were about as bad as they could get between us. It was late, kids were alseep (thankfully), and the look on his face when he came in the door said it all. Not only was I not ok, he was not ok. He was not happy, he was not empathetic, he was cold and angry. It was so scary. I didn't know what to say or what to do. He leaned in and gave me a small kiss and said hello. We went upstairs and without talking, brushed our teeth and got into bed. I lit a candle and we laid in the darkness.

For more than 2 hours we tried talking it out, but things just kept getting worse as we were going in circles. Neither one of us seemed to "get" the other. We were defensive, angry, hurt, exhausted. We both realized this was bigger than the both of us and we had a long way to go.

I kept saying it was the circumstances and the fact that I'd never said it turned me on him being alone with another woman. How did we go from zero to a 4-hour drive, drinks and dinner and an all-nighter???? How could I have possibly been ok with that? I apologized for saying one thing and meaning another, but after 21 years together, doesn't he know me better than that?? That I felt guilty for all the guys I'd been alone with and felt I had no right to say no? But that I WAS saying I wasn't ok with it. I'd said it all day long in all my texts. That I was waiting for him to "do the right thing". Without my telling him or influencing him.

To me, this wasn't about banging some chick and getting his rocks off, like I do. When I get together with some guy, it's an hour, maybe two, and he leaves or I come home. No dates, no all-nighters. I've never even spent the entire night with Mickey. It's an hour here, 1/2 an hour there. So can't he get that I'd be threatened by that???? Fucker!!!! Hello, are you listening???? Shit! He just couldn't get that. That was MY interpretation of events. His was, "she doesn't mean anything to me. I don't get guys like that (snap fingers) like you. This was my only chance. And who knows if I'd have even gone thru with it??? Now we'll never know."

True. I'll never know. But I couldn't take that chance because to me, it was too big. I really thought that's it, he does it, our marriage is over. Because he shouldn't have put himself (or me) in this position in the first place. I couldn't win once he'd invited her to drive to come see him (which he says he didn't. He "merely stated" that he would be in her state...give me a break!!!!)

After about two hours of yelling and accusations, we laid there silent. I bravely said, "I'm turned on. Are you?" he said no. I said, "So you could fuck her last night but not me tonight? That's nice." I was so pissed off. Well, he decided he'd better fuck me so he reached for me and we had ten minutes of the angriest sex we've ever had. We only got about 3 hours of sleep that night and that didn't help things in the light of day.

The next day was Mother's Day and it was my worst ever. Yes, he gave me a beautiful card, but it seemed contrite and insincere given the way he was acting. He seemed like he was pouting and that made me angrier. As if I'd promised him Disneyland and dropped him off at the dump instead. There was no sweetness, no humor, only coldness. I didn't even recognize this man I've spent the last 21 years with. He said he hadn't eaten since the dinner with her. Had lost 6 pounds. Wasn't even going to have a glass of wine anymore. He was turning into someone I didn't know. He was irritating me so much, I just wanted to slap him. I honestly didn't know where we were or where we were going.

Mother's Day night, he suggested a bath, and I took him up on it. He still refused to have any wine. I had some for him.  It was nice but very awkward. We couldn't even look each other in the eyes.

Slowly, we started to talk. I had a recollection that I thought was an important point. I had suddenly remembered something that happened about 3 months ago. Hubby was in another state where Rachel lived (a co-worker of his we had a 3sum with). And he was stuck due to weather just miles from her, and I clearly remember telling him to call her up and stay the night with her. I was actually turned on at the time. I obviously didn't feel threatened or I wouldn't have suggested it. He declined and got a hotel. Why did he decline? I don't know. He didn't say. And when I brought it up, he still didn't say.

So, to me, it showed me that maybe he has more feelings for this other girl than he's letting on. AND it confirms that it was the whole romantic-ness of this "date" with her was what was upsetting me. If he'd gone to spend the night with Rachel, it would've been MY idea, and it would've been more of a "bang" than a "date". He said he got that. He said he understood. But I think it was more of acquiesing than true understanding. That is where I'm stuck.

He is stuck at, "You said the D-word. I never thought we'd ever come to that." I said, "I don't know if I meant it. I was hysterical. I just knew I was angry at you." And of course I have apologized many many times. I've apologized for the mixed signals but can he understand that they weren't really mixed at all? But rather him hearing what he wanted to hear--"have sex with her and spare me the details." He got mad at that. I can see his point but still, to me it's crystal clear and it's really not about me and Mickey and our whole relationship needing to be re-thought and negotiated.

To me, it's this, and it's simple----he has never admitted to wanting to be alone with another woman. Now he did. He invited her, he wanted her, it was a date. This wasn't a simple sex romp. This was a DATE and I felt threatened. If he can't get that, and I mean REALLY get that, we do need to re-evaluate our relationship.

BTW I found a therapist. I do want to stay married and I know he does too. We have too much together to give it all up so easily.

Oh, and speaking of Mickey, haven't heard from him in about a week. Not even sure exactly how many days, and that's saying something. And I realize, I don't even miss him. He just doesn't give me what I need anymore. I have no desire to text him or call him. If I hear from him, fine. I'm not doing the chasing anymore. I just don't care.

The tables are turned---and I go insane

Yesterday was one of the hardest days ever for our marriage.  A true test for the fate of our 18-year-old vows.

My post from 2 days ago was about my husband getting his first opportunity to be alone with a woman. We have been "swinging" (God I hate that term! Makes me feel like a monkey!) for about 6 years, and as far as "hall passes", I've been given free reign as a Hotwife. The tables were turned, and I was having a really really really hard time with it.

The night I wrote that post, hubby (who was out of town for work), and I talked on the phone for about 2 hours, thrashing back and forth every nuance of the whole thing. I'm sure I drove him crazy, because I felt one thing and said another. I felt like I had no right to tell him what he could or couldn't do--after all, how many guys have I been with without him?? (too many to count, honestly) And I know her, I know she's like Mickey, loves us both and wouldn't want to do anything that would break us up. We were with her a few weekends ago. So, on paper, logically, she's the perfect person for him to have his first "hall pass" with, right? SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS MY FUCKING PROBLEM??????

Several things.

First of all, like I said in my previous post, I told him 6 years ago I wouldn't be ok if he did it. Yes, a double standard, but he said it turned him on and he encouraged it. He has found guys for me, taken pictures of me for other guys, even made videos for Mickey. He has encouraged me to go on the dating website, and has paid for plane tickets, encouraged me to text, talk, see whoever I want, whenever I want. Because it turned him on.

And this is the defining thing for me----the idea of him being alone with another woman has NEVER turned me on. The thought of him being naked and fucking her made me so nauseous and crazy I was a complete wreck. And all day yesterday, knowing she was driving 4 hours to come see him, thinking about him getting all horny for her was too much for me to bear. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't think. I almost crashed my car with my kids in it because I was so distracted.

I had to work too. A long shift. And with the time difference, I had to keep subtracting 2 hours from everything I was doing to imagine what they were doing. Had she arrived yet? Have you talked to her? Etc. And my hubby was wonderful, he did text me back immediately every time and told me everything.

But it only made it worse.

He 'd finished work, and actually changed hotels to be closer to the airport. So HE drove 2 hours, in MY mind, so he'd have MORE time with her in the morning. So he'd have a quicker drive to the airport.
Everything was adding up. He'd say, "oh no, that's not why, I will be closer so I can catch an earlier flight in the morning." yeah, right I thought. Nice try dude.

So I'm trying to take care of the kids, then had to go to work and worry WTF he's doing 1800 miles away. I know he wasn't cheating---it's not cheating if I know everything! But that didn't make it any easier.

She got lost. She was late. She showed up. They had wine. They were talking. Then they decided to go eat. That's when I had had enough. By this time, I had actually worked my entire shift, and had gotten kids in bed. It was nearly midnight my time, only 10 theirs, and I honestly couldn't take it another second. I grabbed a bottle of wine and some crackers, filled up the bathtub, and sent him a text that said, "I can't handle this. I don't want to hear any details. I'm turning my phone off." He obviously took that to mean, literally, that I would actually turn my phone off.  That I didn't want to hear from him? I did and I didn't. What I wanted to hear from him, he obviously wasn't going to say--which was, "don't worry honey, nothing's going to happen. We're just having a nice chat." (because he's always said he didn't want to lose her friendship). I wanted him to make the right decision without my influencing him. Didn't he know me by now??? We've been together a total of 21 years. Did he really think I was going to be ok with it? Or did he just want her so fucking badly he didn't care? So yeah. I turned off my phone. Because I knew he wasn't going to stop himself.

 I couldn't stand to imagine them naked and fucking. I thought, if he has sex with her, our marriage is over. I will never get over it. Just imaging them in bed together was agonizing.  For the next 2 hours, I sat in the tub sobbing.  I drank half a bottle of wine, and I was practically heaving. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was getting more and more nauseous and hysterical. Two fucking hours had passed. I had no idea WTF they were doing. I was hysterical.  Thank God for my kids---if it weren't for them, I'd probably have stayed in the tub, kept drinking, and slid under. I got out of the tub, dried off my hands, and turned my phone on. He hadn't even tried getting a hold of me. That hurt and fucking pissed me off.

The texts came rapid fire and from deep within me.

"I just want you to know I'm not ok."

"I can't do this."

"I'm sick. I can't take it."

"I guess u are having too much fun to read this."

And the one I knew would get to him--"WE are NOT ok."

Seconds later my phone rang. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to jump right out of my chest. I mumbled hello. He was clearly exasperated with me.

"What are you guys doing?" I demanded.

"We just came back to the room," he says. Yippee. I fucking literally caught them in the nick of time. Of course, I don't know if they were already naked, or whatever. He didn't say. I didn't ask. But he said he would "stop"  and talk to her and call me back.

An agonizing 30 minutes later, he finally calls me back. I tossed and turned in the dark wondering WTF they were doing. He said they went downstairs to the front desk and got her her own room.  He said he was alone now. We talked for about half an hour. I know he'd been drinking, and I had too, so we decided to just go to sleep and talk when he gets home.

I realized the gist of the whole thing is what I said at the beginning of this post---the idea of him alone with another woman has never turned me on. I have tolerated seeing him in 3sums but it bothers me. It's better because I am there, but i have to get so bloody drunk to do it. I'm wondering how solid our marriage is now.

The other thing is, and this is very important---we are supposed to be able to say, "I'm not ok with this", and the other person is supposed to accept it. Without having to feel defensive. It's called setting boundaries. It's the first fucking rule of swinging and open marriages. I thought we had it down, but obviously not. But here's the thing---how many times have I told him, "i'm not ok with it"?? And yes, he stopped, he did the right thing. But I'm fucking hurt and pissed off that it came to that. If I hadn't turned on my phone and had my little tantrum, they'd have spent the fucking whole night together. He told me so. So---guess this is more about hubby not being honest with me either.  I shouldn't have played mind games with him--"go ahead, have your fun, I just don't want to hear details". I should've said, 'Absolutely not. Do not let her drive there. I am not ok with it."

But I was feeling so guilty of all the guys I've been with, and felt it only right he should be allowed to do the same.

But the truth is, it doesn't turn me on. I felt threatened. I felt jealous. I literally went insane. I'm still a wreck. And when he said, "oh yeah, been there, done that", I was like, "WTF??? HUH??? You never once said it bothered you when I was with other guys!!!" and he was like, "well yeah!! duh!!" I said, "but you never once asked me to stop. Or asked me not to go. You've always encouraged me. Why do you do that if you felt the way I felt?" and he said, "cuz you wanted it and I didn't feel it was my right to stop you." FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK Ok so this is all new to me. I had no idea.

So, 6 years of swinging and all, and we are acting like newbies. This is so fucked up.

The tables are turned.....and I'm kinda freaking out

My hubby's got his first opportunity to be alone with another girl tomorrow night. Being that he's fine with me being alone with guys makes me feel like I have no right getting upset at him doing the same thing--but I am kinda freaking out. I'm trying not to.

I clearly remember our conversation the very first time he encouraged me to spend the night alone with Mickey. I told him, "you know, I don't think I'd be okay if you did this. I honestly don't know how it is you're not only ok with this, but encouraging it." He assured me he was fine; it turned him on. Since that time, there hasn't been another woman he's wanted to be alone with, and he's actually not even admitting to me he wants to be alone with her.

To back up, we had a 3sum with her a few weekends ago. I know the two of them are attracted to one another, and I've kind of felt like, would you two just leave me out of it? Have your fun. I don't really want to watch or be involved. I was involved, and yes, it was hot, but my hubby didn't even take his underwear off. We were all drunk and had an early flight so he was just like, this is fun, let's stop here and not take a chance on ruining the friendship. I misunderstood and thought he was more into her than he was letting on, so he played it cool. He said no, too drunk, just fooling around was fun enough.

Well, he's in her state for work, and has a free night, and she wants to drive 4 hours to see him.

Hmmm.

Yeah.

So he's in a tough spot now---he's gotta decide what to do.

I told him I'm a little unnerved she's willing to drive 4 hours to be with him.  Makes me uncomfortable.

But if it weren't so far, would I feel any differently?

Probably not.

I feel like I hold myself to a different standard. I can sleep with other guys but he can't sleep with other women? That's not fair. I know it's not.

I'm trying to act like I'm fine with it but I'm really not. It's obvious I feel threatened. I wish I didn't. I want him to feel the joy and excitement with a new partner, but I don't!! I feel like such a selfish bitch!!

I guess that's the hard part about swinging and an open marriage. It's giving permission to your spouse to have an affair. The difference is there's no lying, no cheating, no secrets. No sneaking around, cuz you're telling each other everything.  But that doesn't mean it's easy, or you don't care, or you don't get jealous.

Poor guy. I'm giving him mixed signals cuz I don't want to be the bitch that says no. Or, the bitch that can't forgive him afterward.

welcome new readers!

Hello!! I am SO thrilled that I've got some new readers! I apologize that I haven't posted anything new for the last 3 weeks, and believe me, it's not because I don't have anything to write about! I have been busy having lots of sex, in fact, last weekend my hubby and I found 2 new partners (a man ANd a woman, but not together ;) and I can't wait to tell you all about it! The kids are off for Easter vacation and I haven't had much privacy. It's Thursday now YAY and so just have to wait till Monday to be able to get my writing time back.

A quick up-date: Mickey and I are still doing great. We texted back and forth for 4-1/2 hours the night before last. It was wonderful. Till nearly 3 am my time, and yes, I was exhausted and dragging the whole day due to lack of sleep, but he's always worth it. I figured out something laying there in the dark texting him--I think we have some sort of an S & M relationship. I'm on Google right now looking up the terms to get an idea if that's what's going on. It sure seems like it. If you read back on our relationship, he repeatedly has broken my heart, he can be very cold, yet I always take him back. Hmmm, no-brainer, huh?? But since he's the only guy that's ever treated me like this, I didn't put 2-and-2 together. I will put up with whatever shit he gives me and it just makes me want him more. It's sick, I know it is, and I want to know what's wrong with me that I want him so fucking badly that I put up with it.

My 18-year old hunk Jake has been texting me too! I'm soooo excited to see him again! YAY once again YAY kids go back to school on Monday! I'm tanning and going to the gym to try to get this bod in a little better shape. He lives 2 hours away but can't wait to drive here and spend the day with me. He is so sweet, nothing like Mickey. He ALWAYS texts me back immediately, never keeps me wondering. He calls me beautiful, gorgeous, actually cares how I'm feeling, very very sweet all the time. I told him I had a little crush on him and he said he has a crush on me too! Yay! We talked about being "regulars", and seeing each other when we can since we don't live close to each other.  I'm seriously considering canceling my memberships to those dating websites since I found him. If we get closer, I will.

Ok, gotta run, I hear the dog so that means kids are up. I'll fill you guys in with our juicy weekend, as well as my sex romp with Jake as soon as I can.

Have a good week and happy sex to you all!!!

A new boytoy for me! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

A lot has happened since that last blog, and I'm super busy right now so I don't have time to write it all down. I want to keep my dear readers updated though. I love that you all care about me and what's going on with me. Things are great right now. I am doing great. After this last blog post and the naughty night, I had some conversations with Mickey and my mind is just blown. It seems I have been reading him wrong for a long time. Right now anyway, the truth is, he is working a lot--he just got a promotion and said he's working like 12 hours a day, sometimes more. He's on call a lot. He said there's no one else, and by the way he's been texting me every day, I believe him. That's right--I hear from him almost every day now. His texts are so sweet--filled with "I miss you's" and "sweetie" and just staying connected. It's the closest I've ever felt to him in the six years I've known him. I even sent him a birthday present last week! I've never done that.

I'm always jumping to the conclusion that I'm not that important to him; that I'm really just his "in-between" girl. He's making me feel lately like I'm wrong about that.  I'm happy about that. VERY happy.

I have found someone new that just may replace him. OK, well,  hahaha that could never happen, but in talking with my close girlfriend, I have come to realize I'm in way deeper than I thought. He has SUCH a hold on me, and it's just a matter of time until he breaks my heart again. That's right, again, he's done it twice already. So I have my dating website, and I haven't found anyone I like in the 5 months I've been on there, till recently. I met a guy who's only 18 (yes, he is 18, I made him prove it to me haha) but he's a very mature 18. I'll call him Jake. He's had kind of a rough upbringing that's made him seem older than he is, wiser than most people 20 years older. We've been texting for a few weeks, and gotten to know each other. He's very sweet, very complimentary, and just what my fragile ego has been seeking. He's a musician, he's edgy, ears pierced with diamonds in them, and a lip ring. My favorite.

We finally met on Sunday night. It was amazing. It was honestly some of the best sex I'd ever had, and I've had a lot of sex. We went nearly 2 hours before he came, I was getting sore and although I wanted to keep going, I was out of town and wanting it to be over so I could go home. I had just planned on a quickie but it was too intense for that. He was very sweet, saying my name, caressing my face, just making me feel appreciated. Very tender, and never did anything that scared me or made me feel unsafe or unloved.  He just adores me, and makes me feel so sexy and alive. I can't wait to be with him again. I drove home--2 hour-drive-- and my horny husband was waiting for me and he gave me the big-o I couldn't have with my new boy. It was one of the best nights of my life. 3 hours of sleep and I never felt tired the whole next day!

It's not that I want to replace Mickey, it's that I HAVE to replace Mickey. I know he's going to hurt me again, and I can't take it. I need to fall for someone else and just gently ease him out of my life.

If I can.

This is for you, my dear readers....I owe you this.....

You're right---this blog has deteriorated to being more "the Mickey Journal" than anything else. But you have to understand--this man has a stranglehold on my heart and soul. He's not just someone I fuck. I am in love with this asshole, who for some reason, I just can't let go of. I've known him 6 years, and we have such a tumultuous relationship. It's hot and cold, just like the Katy Perry song. When it's hot, I'm happy, when he's cold, I'm miserable. I never know from one day to the next with him--he'll ignore me for days or weeks on end (and months sometimes) and I think I'll never hear from him again and my heart just freezes up and I'm a complete mess. Then, I'll hear from him, as if no time had passed, and I come to life again. It's insane. I know it is.

Remember my dear friends, that I am a married woman, and Mickey is the third person in our relationship. It's not simply a man and a woman who have an on-again/off-again relationship. My feelings for Mickey affect my marriage and my sanity and all my relationships. He's always on my mind, 24/7, even though obviously I'm not on his. I don't know what he means to me exactly, but all I know is, I can't imagine not having him in my life. My children met him, they ask about him, and I have to lie.

He means more to me than I wish he did, and no matter how many sexy men I meet, he's really the only one I'd rather be with. My hubby and I have a very close, intimate relationship and Mickey fits right in. We'd like more from him, but he's unwilling to give us more. It's incredibly painful and heartbreaking, and I guess I'm an eternal optimist because I keep hitting my head against the wall, hoping and praying he'll not only stay in our lives but move here and really be with me, with us. He goes back and forth, teasing me, and I hang onto those crumbs he gives me like a lifeline. I know it's pathetic, but I know I'm not the only person who's ever pined endlessly for someone the way I do for Mickey.

I know you want to hear more sex stories, but if you follow me, you'll see that since we moved to another state, not much has happened. (not that I'm not trying!!) If you go to my archives, you'll see lots of steamy stories. And yes, they are ALL TRUE.

I look forward to sharing more intimate stories with you as they unfold. In the meantime, a reader has requested I write about a girl-on-girl story I had, so I'm working on that and I'll post it soon.

I love you my readers, please keep the feedback coming. You help me sort things out.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Mickey's back to cat and mouse games again, evidently. He's not returning my calls, or texts, or responding to yahoo messenger. WTF???? just a few days ago he was writing me, very sexy nasty stuff. Now nothing.
How do I not take it personally??? I'm jumping out of my skin. I want to jump on a plane and go see him.

I can't take this shit from him. Things were sooooo good, now, WTF? I don't know what's going on.

I have other guys texting me and giving me attention. But Mickey's all I want.

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Goddamn him.

Saving my sanity

I have decided to go ahead and really write that book. Finish it. I have 13 chapters done. What's stopping me? Oh I have many excuses. I vascillate between writing a memoir that will undoubtedly get me on every single talk show in America, with movie rights bought immediately as it hits Number 1 on the Best Sellers Lists. BUT----then I'll lose my family, my friends, and all dignity. So, guess it has to be a work of fiction, although everyone knows that a writer's first book is always a non-fiction work in disguise. My hubby says, just write it.

I am back and forth with Mickey (so what else is new??) and he's making me crazy again. I just give him too much power over me. If I hear from him, I'm happy, in a good mood, and if I don't, I'm cranky and irritable. I don't know how my hubby puts up with me. I think if I write the book and spend a year (or less, hopefully!) I can purge it all out of my system. And who knows what will happen. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of.

I had a "lightbulb" moment at the gym yesterday. (I do all my meditating while I'm running). I realized that my hubby has never given me an ultimatum--Mickey, or him. He is OK with us all being a happy 3sum. It's Mickey that's not ok with it, in the long-run anyway. HE'S the one who would ultimately make me choose. And that moment yesterday when I realized that, was the moment that would be the story of my book. I know who I'd choose---but how would I live with the choice? Either one would be incredibly painful.

I'm excited to write it now, and I do think about that day when Mickey gets his very own personalized copy from me, delivered to his doorstep. He did ask me that day in the hotel room, why haven't I finished it?? He's got a big enough ego that he wants to see his story in print. I have a big enough ego that I want to see MY name on the cover.

Writing is so cathartic. I know that Mickey will never actually make me choose; he has said he would never want to break up my hubby and me. But what if he wanted me that badly.....???

The winter blahs have taken over my soul

My dry spell goes on. I am thinking of canceling my profile on the dating website cuz I'm so sick and tired of flakes! I am sick and tired of the texting, exchanging sexy pics, sexy talk, and then when it comes time to actually meet, these guys disappear. I feel like I'm wasting my money and my time. Guys sure know how to talk a big talk but not walk the walk. What is it they want?? They advertise how big their dicks are, how good they are in bed, yada yada yada but no one seems to want to meet a real woman.  I'm so done with it.

I think I told you last blog post I thought I found someone who could possibly fill Mickey's shoes. I found him on the website. He's disappeared now too. He sent me sexy pics and videos of him masturbating--very nice, yes, but I have spent the last 2 weeks trying to pin him down to a date and he's gone AWOL. I'm so annoyed. I honestly don't take it personally. I know I'm sexy, I'm honest, I'm good in bed (well, so I've been told....I do know I love sex and love to please). I take good care of myself, dress nice, smell good LOL and these guys haven't even met me so how can I feel rejected???

ON THE OTHER HAND, I do take it personally when I don't hear from Mickey. He has been amazing the last few months. For example, I was driving to the airport one day last week to pick up my hubby, and I called Mickey. For the record, I almost NEVER call him. I don't want to bug him. So this was unusual. Well, his voicemail picked up, so I just left a short happy message. HE CALLED ME RIGHT BACK!! It was sooooo wonderful hearing his sexy voice, and just knowing he actually called me right back. We chatted the whole drive, and I actually had to say, "I have to let you go, I'm here and I have to call my hubby." Instead of me clinging and clinging like I usually do, I initiated the hang-up so I thought that was good. He is really opening up to me, we talked again about him moving out here. I told him I didn't want to pressure him, and he said he didn't feel pressured. I said, "why don't you just come out for a visit and see if you like it here?" and he agreed that was a good idea. We had a great talk. He said he's really ready for a change--he's going on a liquid fast, and that he was going to stop drinking AND having sex for a month, including no masturbating! I just told him how proud of him I was. There's more but I don't want to bore my audience. I'll move on and just say that he had been texting me nearly every day as well----until this week. Three of my texts have gone unresponded to. I did check his GF's FB page (it's private) but her relationship status has changed from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated", so I guess he's broken up with her--YAY! It's so hard for me to "just chill" and let him come to me, but he always does, so I'm trying to just breathe now every time I think of texting or calling him. He obviously needs room--SOMETHING is going on with him, cuz it's not like him (now, anyway) to not write me back. I'm pretending I've got a life and I'm so busy I hardly notice he hasn't gotten back to me. What a joke. I'm trying.

I guess my challenge is--I need to get a life. I had a life till we moved, and it's been 7 months and I am just really depressed and lonely. I have a job interview tomorrow so hopefully if I get it that will get me out of the house and meet people.

We had a few spring-y days last week, nearly all the snow had melted and the sun was out and I could see green grass in the yard! I went outside and just sucked up some rays and felt the frozen grass with my fingers. I could taste the excitement of warmer weather and outdoor fun. The next day we got 6 inches of snow and haven't seen the sun since. I've loved the snow so far, but the tease of spring was cruel.  I decided to stop pouting and ran out to make a snowman with my daughter. It was just what I needed---it was so fun!! But now the blahs are back again. I've really gotta get my life together. I can't sit around and wait for Mickey, I need to make some plans for myself.  Now I know why people here teased us so much about leaving behind the Gold Coast. I'm sooo missing LA.

My Not-So-Hot Valentine Virginity Story

It's Valentine's Day, and tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I lost my virginity at age 20.  I got to reminiscing, and although the lucky fellow was only in my life for a few brief months, I can't forget him, even if I wanted to. A girl never forgets the day she loses her virginity, whether it was a pleasant experience or not. The day after V-Day I always think about that day, many many years and men ago. I feel both giddy and wistful.

I was a late bloomer---I really didn't become very attractive really until I hit my 40's. All during my childhood years I had unruly hair and glasses. By 6th grade, I did have a knockout body.  By high school, although flat irons hadn't yet been invented, I did learn how to properly blow-dry my unruly curls out straight. I had my first serious boyfriend, although we never got past 2nd base. It just didn't occur to us I guess. We graduated and went our separate ways, and by my second year in college, I had contacts but no social life. I was a serious student till I met Jesse.

I was working at a fast-food restaurant, and one of my co-workers, Glenda, was a blonde bombshell with an equally cute boyfriend named Frank. Frank came into the restaurant late at night often to hang out and wait for Glenda and the restaurant to close and drive her home.  Frank would often wink at me when Glenda wasn't looking, and it made me titillated and uncomfortable at the same time. Jesse was Frank's best buddy.

This was during the time period when "Rocky Horror Picture Show" was playing at midnight in all the theaters. Frank worked in one of the local theaters, and one night, after work, he drove me and Glenda to the theater to see the midnight showing. Waiting for us there was his friend Jesse. We hit it off immediately, and I guess we became boyfriend and girlfriend.

After a few weeks of dating, which included heavy petting at drive-in movies (we ditched the theaters), it was Valentine's Day. I don't remember why he couldn't see me ON Valentine's Day, but we got together the day after. I went to his house; I think he lived with his dad, I don't remember, but we were alone. He took out a joint, and although I was quite a prude at the time, I didn't want him to know it, so when he passed it to me, I took a hit off it. It didn't take much to make me high. One thing led to another, and all our clothes were off. He was so good-looking---think Erik Estrada in his hey-day (which was during this time period!)

All I remember is, it went in. Yep, slid right in. It hurt, I bled a little, but it went in. We did it exactly once, and he broke my heart and broke up with me the following week. I sobbed for days, then realized at least he'd given me the gift of breaking my hymen so I was able to FINALLY, at age 20, wear tampons!!

I think back to that moment, so long ago, and how it affected my future sexual relationships. I don't think it has a thing to do with how I've ended up a swinger/polyamorist, although I do remember something very hot that happened with Frank and Glenda one night. Glenda had taken me along on a family camping trip one hot summer weekend, and we shared a tent, just the two of us girls. Unbeknownst to her parents, Frank snuck in and visited us one night. It was a beautiful summer night, the dark sky filled with stars, and everyone was quiet in their tents. We sat by our small campfire talking for awhile, then went into our tent. It was a very small tent. I crawled into my sleeping bag, and Glenda and Frank were in her sleeping bag. As I tried to fall asleep, I heard them whispering, but left them alone. Like I said, it was a very small tent. They were within touching distance, had it occurred to me. It wasn't long till I heard very heavy breathing, and soft moans. I was shocked and aroused, laying there in the dark, facing away from them. Wide-eyed and horny, I heard my friends fucking and wanted desperately to watch. Although it was dark, I'm sure I could've seen quite a bit given that the campground had some dim lighting. I laid there as still as a statue, and afterward, as soon as I was certain they'd fallen asleep, I masturbated, laying right next to them. It was by far the naughtiest thing I'd ever done.

Sure pales in comparison to the naughty things I've been up to ever since.

Do you have a loss of virginity story you want to share with me? You can write me at naughtyannahotwife@gmail.com. I'll keep it to myself; I'd just love to hear it.

B is coming to visit, Mickey calls me, and a new boytoy shows me his stuff

Since we moved to this new frozen tundra, I've had a hard time meeting new people, not just possible lovers but girlfriends too! I'm lonely a lot of the time. The website I've got a profile on has been a lot of fun and very good for my ego, but I still haven't hooked up with anyone yet!! I know I'm picky, but I have found a lot of attractive guys, given out my cell number, yahoo messenger address, etc., but something always happens. I've been stood up twice; but most of the time texts fly back and forth, nasty pics sent and received,  but when it comes time to actually meeting me, there's always an excuse. I feel like I'm sooo forward sometimes, jeez, like I'm begging, but it gets old. I just want someone to show up!

I'm happy to report that B has come back into the picture suddenly! He is writing me as I write this. I love how he hasn't forgotten about me! He's gotten to be an even bigger star, for those of you new to my blog, I met this gorgeous Johnny Depp lookalike in Hollywood over the summer. He is a model and an actor--he's on a popular TV show (can't say the name) and his face is on billboards all over Hollywood. I found him thru Craigslist ironically, my hubby and I were on a weekend getaway and put an ad on CL for a 3-sum and he answered the ad. I got over 200 replies and his pic was too good to be true, but he was for real! We ended up seeing each other without my hubby (I don't remember why actually...) but it was so fun. (See my detailed sex blog about our encounter--titled "Meeting B--a fantasy fulfilled" in my July 2010 archive).

The big thing with him is, yes, he is full of himself LOL guess he has good reason to be! If I wasn't happily married I'd be in love with him. He was a great fuck too, the biggest cock I've ever had. Even bigger than my hubby, he was at least 10 inches. And honestly, aside from the "WOW" factor, bigger isn't necessarily better. I'm petite, and damn, that thing hurt, as great as it felt it was like "SHIT THAT COCK IS GOING TO KILL ME"!! hahaha but he was the most beautiful man I've ever seen, and he is 25 years old and is totally into ME!

So, ok, B is writing me, that's totally awesome. He still wants me to have his baby LOL he didn't know I moved clear across the country and is trying to figure out how to see me! (I don't want to tell him I can't have kids anymore---it's called menopause---I look 20 years younger than my age so he thinks I can get pregnant. Sadly, I can't). It'll never happen, but if he actually contemplates getting on a plane, I'll tell him the truth.

Mickey is making me crazy. He actually CALLED me a few days ago, it was soooo wonderful to hear his voice. First time I've heard it in 6 months. I loved it. He was at work, and thinking of me :) yay! We had a nice talk. He told me he'd move here in a heartbeat if it wasn't for the snow. He said he hates snow! I didn't know the weather would keep him away.  I get so nervous talking to him--I feel like i'm in high school again, the boy I have a crush on finally calls me and I'm completely shy and tongue-tied. It didn't help that my son was right there, I couldn't say what I wanted. I wanted to tell him, Come here. Leave it all behind and let us take care of you. We love you. You can go back to school. (I did tell him that). You don't have to pay rent. You can cook and clean for us, get a new life for yourself. I love you enough to do that for you. Tell our kids about you. Yes, we both care about you that much. Stop the whoring on that website, and living with someone cuz she owes you money. Where are your morals boy?? But I couldn't say any of that. It was awkward, but I was happy he called me. Happy he wasn't content to just text.

I always come one too strong. We had such a pretty morning yesterday, I took a few pics with my iPhone and sent them to him. Pics of the guest room--"Mickey's room" I told him--our dog running in the snow, and pics of the house. I never heard back. I just texted him, "is everything ok? It's not like you to not text me back." hahah that is the biggest joke of all---he is SOOOO like that!!! (thought I'd try reverse psychology). That was 11 minutes ago and no response. Fucker.

OMG B wants me to fly him out here! HOW COOL IS THAT?????

                                           ****************

I found a very hot, 20 year-old rocker-type on the website yesterday! For me, it was lust at first sight! I got wet just looking at his profile pic. I wrote to him immediately and we exchanged yahoo messenger addresses. I gave him my phone number right away so we could text instead, and we texted all day off and on, lots of sexy pics going back and forth. He wanted to get on the webcam and damn I did too---but  my hubby gave me a better option!! He was horny just hearing about my new crush and we had the hottest sex we've had in a long time! I got Mr. Rocker so hot he sent me a video to my phone of him jerking off. It was sooo exciting to watch! He lives in a neighboring state, about an hour's drive, and wouldn't you know it, he doesn't have a car??? So I told him I'd drive out to see him. He had a zillion excuses. Roommates there. Then he has "things he has to do". I said how about next week? It's his birthday and he's going to be busy all week. Oh well, another hot guy who's all talk. What's up with these guys anyways??

                                                     **********

Still no answer from Mickey. So what else is new.

Guess I gotta get ready for a visit from B! WHOO HOO!!!

New opportunities with an old friend and a new friend

It's snowing like a mutherfucker here right now and I'm coming down with some sort of flu or cold, I'm not sure, but I'm glad I've got time to write today. Lots to catch up on! Ok, Mickey update first---I'm so happy he's got a phone cuz he's texting me all the time now! He opened up to me a little a couple days ago---it was really amazing to finally get in his head a little. He was in rare form. He actually said, "I miss you"!!!!

He apologized profusely for "freaking out over the Tweet thing", saying that "she" (he never referred to her as his girlfriend) found one of our chats and was asking questions about us. He said they aren't serious, rather she owes him a lot of money and he's only sticking around till she pays him back! He was upset that if she found out about "us" (HIS term!! There's an 'us'? yay!) he would be "screwed". So, it wasn't that he was worried about hurting her! I am shocked. And relieved. He said he's not making much money now so he really needs her to pay him back.

He talked about the porn site--I think he is desperate. He said it's either that or sell weed, and he doesn't want to do that either, and that he's scared to actually do anything yet and hasn't. I told him I was upset about it, I didn't like that his face would be seen and he might regret it.

He also apologized for missing my birthday and said "happy late b-day". I texted him a pic of me I'd just taken a few days ago, all dressed up to go out, and he said, "I like your hair". That's the closest I've gotten to a compliment from him. (I'll take it). He thanked me for the Christmas card and pics I sent him and said, "I loved them". WOW he has never said the word LOVE in any form, so that was neat. He said he wished he could've visited me yay! So of course I told him that we'll fly him out anytime. The guest room has a brand-new bed in it and it's ready for him! And lastly, he said that "moving there is starting to sound good right now", and that he wants to find a good job. So of course I'm checking out what's here and sending him info. My hubby was pleased to hear all this and we'll see what he does. I love hearing from him, and he seems to need me right now, and I love it.

I found a book in a bookstore called, "The Threesome Handbook", and my hubby and I are reading it together. He says I could've written it LOL and I guess he's right. We have learned a few things and we are talking more than we were. Communication is the most important thing if you're going to have this lifestyle, and with our crazy schedules, we don't always communicate as well as we should. He really wants to include a woman and I just don't know how I feel about that. I haven't been really ok with it so far, I don't really know what I'm turned off to the idea, but it is something my hubby would like so I told him I will really think about it and let him know. Am I threatened by another woman, do I worry she'll steal him away? Yeah, I'm sure that's a huge part of it. I really don't get how he can let me be with other men and be okay with it. He gets more turned on than jealous, and I guess he must feel pretty secure about me, so that's awesome. Most of the time I try not to think about our lifestyle, because we've always said that if we think about it too much, we feel too shameful and guilty and weird and we'd probably stop doing it, but don't want to. Reading this book has helped with those feelings---the author is so frank about it being simply, an alternative lifestyle, calling it "modern". (so much better than "swinging". I really hate that term). A monogamous marriage is simply called "a closed relationship", and is neither better nor worse than a "modern" marriage (ours). A choice, not morally corrupt.

I know a couple who have been married 11 years, two kids, and they have a closed marriage. My hubby swears he's probably cheated on her several times, and if he were to even think she thought another guy was hot he'd have a shit-fit. So, I look at their marriage, and think to myself, hey, we treat each other better. We'd never cheat on each other--why would we?? If my hubby finds a woman attractive, he tells me. Vice versa. No big deal. Why can't more people be honest with each other? If there were more marriages like ours, I really feel there would be fewer divorces.

We are actually discussing telling our kids. It's more worrisome to think that with the stuff they might overhear, or see (as in me getting Mickey's texts all the time) that they might think I'm cheating on their daddy. I told my hubby not for now--if Mickey comes to live with us yes, but not right now. We aren't seeing anyone (unfortunately!!!) so why say anything now?

I had to laugh when I was reading in the 'Handbook" how we are probably misreading the flirtations of possible sex partners! It was saying how there are some interests people have that are generally thought of as open-minded (such as artists and musicians). So, I was thinking about this yesterday at the grocery store! I was getting a pound of bacon from the deli counter, and the guy helping me was really cute except for a shaggy beard. I could see a sleeve of tattoos peeking out from his white butcher's coat, and thought of the book. He was really friendly, even introduced himself by name (I'll call him Tony) and put out his hand to greet me! He said he's the new deli manager and we stood and talked for about 15 minutes. He's married, and he seemed very happy with his life. We talked about the snow and the impending storm and he was telling me how he snowplows his neighbors' drives for them. I never would've thought he might be flirting with me or be in a "modern" marriage had I not read that in the book. I vowed to myself upon saying our goodbyes that I would keep an open mind myself and see if there's an opportunity with him and his wife there! (maybe invite them over sometime? Give him my cell number next week when I go shopping??)

Opportunities abound! We just have to be willing to see them.

Now to help find Mickey a job here!

Sexting and birthday presents

Well I got the text I'd been waiting for! Mickey finally got a phone! It was awesome he wrote me. We wrote back and forth for about an hour and that was it. Considering he most likely still has a girlfriend, I'm not writing first. If he writes, I'll respond, but I'm going to play it cool. He's promised me a private show for my birthday this week ;) woo hoo that would be very nice!

I'm hoping to hook up with Mr. Army Guy tomorrow! It's the only day I'm free this week (and happens to coincide with my birthday week) so yeah that would be an awesome present to myself! If not, well, guess I'll have to go shopping!! LOL

So that's it for now. Details as the fun happens.

A Dry Spell's Not Fun for Me Either

I accidentally left myself online all night and someone crawled out of the woodwork and wrote me a very nice long message!! It was my Army guy, the very first guy I had contact with when I signed up on that dating website. He was very apologetic, said he was embarrassed the way he stood me up, said he was too embarrassed to admit he didn't have the money to even drive to come see me. That he's doing better now and wants to still hook up with me if I could forgive him. Well......duh, I think I could! I think that took guts and I did think he was one of THE hottest guys on the site, even now several months later. I wrote him back, "I accept your apology and I think you deserve a second chance ;)"

I did hear again from Mickey 2 nights ago, and I guess I was right--he does seem desperate. All he wrote was a hello, and an apology, that things weren't going well for him right now. I just told him what I usually say, that I care about him and I'm here if he needs me. He's got his male pride and guess he doesn't want our help.

I have about five "irons in the fire" right now, a mix of young gentlemen who are in some state of flux. One writes almost every day, then nothing. I'm not fast enough for him I guess, so he loses interest and comes back. Two I really like, but I don't hear from them now so I don't know what's up with that. Sometimes I think it's all just a huge waste of time that could be better spent doing more productive things. I just wish I could meet people the old-fashioned way.

I have a best girfriend that is divorced and has been in a long-term relationship with an older gentleman, and she's coming to visit me in a few weeks. I am determined to get her on this dating website so she can meet some younger guys! She'd make a great cougar. She's gorgeous but doesn't know it. They'd go crazy for her.  I told her this older guy is just a "transitional" guy that's helped her get thru her divorce. Now it's time for some younger guys who'll make her feel like a queen!

So hey, I'm sorry if this blog has gotten dry and boring, that's the state of affairs with me right now. My hubby and I need to get out and have some fun too. I know he's bored too. And remember Mickey will always be number one after my hubby--he's the only other guy I have feelings for and everything he says and does affects me. I wish it didn't....but it does. My goal is to let him go; eventually I know I'll have to, so it's best if it's on MY terms. He's far away but close in my mind. My hubby said he'd fly him out to come and see us this month, so he's been on my mind a lot. Guess it's not going to happen, and that's disappointing. I just wish I could meet someone who's as cute as him and makes me feel the way he makes me feel so I could get over him. Our threesomes were sooo awesome.

And after "The Wife" incident, I'm more cautious than ever. I have to make sure who I meet isn't gonna "Mr. Goodbar" me or give me a disease. I'm very picky and I have the right to be. I'm happily married and I don't need anyone else. My hookups are just for fun and I don't need anybody else's drama. I told my hubby I think we should go back to swinging---single guys can be soooo much fun but it leaves him out and that's not fair. I actually like threesomes better anyway.

Ok well that's it for now, hope I have a date soon with Mr. Army Guy!

OMG---Mickey's doing porn for cash!!

Yes, you read that title correctly. Mickey's on an amateur porn website and getting paid to play with himself for anyone that wants to watch him (and pay for it). I don't know how much he makes but he's promised me FREE shows! (I sure as hell ain't paying for it!!).

Backing up for a second---he finally wrote me on Yahoo messenger that he didn't get a phone, but a computer, and wanted to chat with me. He told me he was working on a website "doing private shows for people" and told me the name.  Said he'd be online all night and wanted to talk to me. I did write him, but never saw him online again for several days, until today he finally wrote me. He's at work (pizza place? I don't know, he didn't say).  He's only written me a little, I imagine he's busy, but it's frustrating. I said, "so tell me about his website", and he said, "I touch myself on cam. For money." So of course I had to look him up. OMG I found him right away, his profile telling me all about him, which I already know, all his stats. I feel a little sad seeing him on this, seems like he's, um, I don't know, a little whorish. I know!! Who am I to talk????

I just told him, "remember we talked about doing this, you and me together? Cuz we are so hot together! Wish we still could!!" This site has thousands of young people on it, every kind of sexual fetish you can imagine, girls, guys, couples, gay, straight, bi, trannies, you name it, they're on there, masturbating to make money. Can't believe I considered doing it too. I don't know why but the only emotion I seem to feel about it is sadness. That's my Mickey!! The boy I'm insanely infatuated with, to think he doesn't care who's watching. Getting paid for it is prostitution, but it's legal. I'm just upset about it.

I asked him, "What does your GF think about it?" and he said, and I quote, "...Doesn't care". Not, "She's fine with it", or "She doesn't mind" or "she thinks it's hot", or even, "SHE doesn't care". Just "doesn't care". Maybe I'm making too much out of this. I just feel sad he's doing it. Does he need the money that badly he can't make it any other way?? And I've offered him the moon and the stars.....that he could move in with me and I'd take care of him..That's why I'm sad. He'd rather do this.

Why DOESN'T his GF care? She should. She doesn't love him the way that I do. Or as much as I do.

P.S. NO I'm not getting a subscription to his webcam. It's free or none at all. I can't bear to watch him knowing creepy guys are watching him the same time as me. I want him all to myself, and I always have.

I'll let you know if he writes me more. He's still online but quiet. I have to go to sleep now, and I'll probably miss his messages.

:((

Midnight yahoo message from Mickey!!!!!!!!!

Four days ago I got a yahoo messenger message from Mickey that put me in a great mood for the rest of the day---he simply said, "hey tell me your number again? I'm going to have a phone tomorrow". It came in the middle of the night, as usual. I responded when I saw it--about 12 hours after he wrote it---"yay!" and gave him my cell number.

Like I said, that was FOUR DAYS AGO. I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM SINCE.

He hasn't "tweeted" in nearly 2 weeks. Neither has his girlfriend, and she's the kind that tweets at least once or twice a day. I don't know what's going on with him, with them, whatever.

I haven't seen him online. I'm guessing he quit the pizza job and is only at his new job (phone company). He had free WIFI at the pizza job, that's when I'd hear from him. So I don't know what the fuck is going on. Being patient is not one of my strong suits.

In the meantime, I'm trying like mad to find a new boyfriend. The dating websites are ok, I'm kind of frustrated at them. I am currently IM'ing about 3-4 different guys, but not really excited about any of them. One guy who had a HOT profile pic was on his webcam yesterday afternoon and so I thought, yeah, let's take a look at this guy! I got on my webcam too and YUK HE WAS NOT HOT!!! I was like, damn, how do I get out of this now?? I just said I had to go and clicked off. So now I'm avoiding him.

I did however meet a totally hot guy working at Abercrombie yesterday! He was smokin' hot. Great personality and I don't think he was gay (hard to tell sometimes). He was friendly and funny with me but I don't think he was flirting. Bummer. I'd really rather meet someone the old-fashioned way---which is NOT on a dating website.

Well, like I told my hubby, back to the drawing board. Guess Mickey's not planning on coming out here for my birthday like he said. When I hear from him next I'll ask him. I soooo want to see him again.

-----sigh----

Mickey has a girlfriend....and no, it's not me

I seem to have a knack for getting myself into mischief. Why can't I just leave things alone? Having found Mickey's Twitter page, and everything that happened with me thinking he had a phone and cussing him out and all, I decided to sweetly be one of his "followers".  He had posted a Tweet that said he had a new phone (finally!) and so I replied, "yay! Call me!" and posted my phone number for him. I waited with baited breath (whatever that is LOL) I was SO excited to see a text from him. Sure enough, that evening, I DID get a text from him. On that previous phone number he said wasn't his! He said it was Mickey, he was using his friend's phone, and he went on and on about how "bad move--you have to unfollow me", cuz he has a GF now and he doesn't want her to know about me, etc. I have my blog link on there (my "clean" blog, not this one) but he didn't know that. He thought my blog link was to THIS one and THAT'S why he was freaking out. His texts came rambling out like spitfire. One after the other. Ten total, him just going on and on about how this was "too close to my personal life" and "if you keep this up I won't be able to talk to you anymore." He did say that they weren't exclusive and he still dated other people. 

I was sound asleep when these texts came, and my eyesight is so poor without glasses, and I didn't want my hubby to know what was going on, so I just got online and unfollowed him on his Twitter and said I was sorry, I didn't know he had a GF. Then I realized he was upset because of the blog link, so I reassured him it wasn't the sex blog but my clean one so he needn't worry. He said he had to go and would text me as soon as he got a phone.

I went back to sleep uneasy and when I got up, I got on Yahoo and told him (he was offline) that I wanted to reassure him again that the blog link was my clean one and his GF could read it, my kids read it, it's not the sex one. I told him I unfollowed him anyway out of respect for his relationship. That was over a week ago, and I had not seen him online since. Until----this morning! I woke up and had a message from him! I was sooo happy! It came at 1 am and simply said, "hey are you there?" Of course I wasn't, I was asleep, but I wrote him this morning and he's still online (obviously asleep). So I'm excited to hear from him today! I'm relieved he's not mad at me and we are still ok. WHEW!!!!!!

I just have to tell you that this GF of his is the same girl he cheated on with me when I flew out to see him last year. I saw a text from her on his cell. She'd texted him several times while he was with me, and I've always known him running out of the room on me had something to do with her. I may be brave enough to mention it. For now, let's just say I'm glad he's still in my life, and I know that he loves me. 

Oh! And B texted me, he wants to get together again ;) yay! He's got a new billboard in LA, jeez that guy is amazing looking. And a great kisser. And good in bed. Yummy! so my hubby took some new sexy pics of me and I sent him one. I love thinking about what he did with it ;)