SO much has been going on I haven't had a chance to get y'all caught up. I guess I'll get the bad stuff out of the way.....my beloved mother passed away two weeks ago. I jumped on the very first plane out because my brother called me and said she'd slipped into a coma and for me to get there ASAP. I spent 4 days with her and my family at her bedside and she passed away a few hours after we went home for the evening (doctors had said she could go at any minute or it could be weeks). We did a lot of sobbing and talking while I was there and now I'm pretty much in zombie-mode, just keeping busy so I don't fall apart. I will write about her when I am ready. For now, I just want to keep busy.
And part of keeping busy is keeping the hot boys coming. Or should I say "cumming"??? LOL
You have to excuse me; what I've been through these last few weeks have made me cynical, angry, and more hedonistic than ever. Life is short. I know where we are all headed. I am planning on having as much fun as possible and denying pleasure doesn't make sense to me.
My hubby and I decided to get an OkCupid account, and what fun we are having! We are both logged in on our phones, so anytime someone writes we both get notifications. The profile pic is just me but it's a couples' profile so everyone knows we are together. I have gotten some amazing guys writing me, and i've exchanged phone numbers with a couple. One is 21 with a kid (he's amazing, I really like talking to him) and another is 20 and quite a hottie too. I've been trying to make dates with them and it's so funny how intimidated these young guys are. My hubby just wants to shake them and say, "She's REAL! And she's really nice! Stop worrying!!"
Oh, and btw in case you're wondering, "Jay" has gone AWOL. What an ass. We Skyped when I got back from my trip and he was all gaga over me as usual, but when it comes time to actually get together, he stops texting. I'm SO done with him. I last sent him a sexy pic of me over the weekend and he didn't ever respond. FUCK HIM. And for the record, FUCK MICKEY TOO. We texted while I was in California and my BFF and I went out and I got drunk two days after my mom passed away. I guess I said too much to Mickey and he freaked out. I haven't heard from him since.
What did I say to him you might be wondering? Well, he baited me. He said, "Why are you still so into me when we hardly ever see each other." I should've just said, 'Cuz you're fucking hot" but NOOOOOO the Grey Goose Citron answered, "Cuz you're into me too. You always come back to me. Two years I don't hear from you. Your GF breaks up with you and you run back to me. You always run back to me." And that made him run away from me. I had to laugh. Whatever. I don't really care. He's changed; he's started working out big time and I actually don't like the way he looks anymore! LOL He went from skinny hot rocker boy with all the tats and piercings to big bodybuilder guy. He looks too much like my son now. Ew. Combine that with his arrogance and I'm really not attracted to him anymore. It's just the connection we USED to have. I thought for a long time he really loved me, just didn't know how to express it, but now the way he's been talking lately I feel like WTF why do YOU bother texting ME?? I don't have the energy to give a shit about Jay or Mickey anymore. I really don't.
There's nothing like losing your mom to feel that bitch-slap up the side of the head that some people just aren't worth your time.
If either of these two new hotties pan out, I'll give them names and keep you updated. For now, we are just flirting like crazy and it is fun, but I get tired of all the of it and then it doesn't lead anywhere. I"m not getting any cuter or younger and I'm annoyed that guys who say they want hot sex with a willing girl really don't want hot sex with a willing girl. I don't know what they want! But I'm real and I'm here and I don't play games. I think guys just don't know how to handle me. They're so used to bitches and drama queens. It's pathetic.
OH, and yeah, trying to get a girl to join us too to keep hubby happy. How do I feel about it? No different than I ever did, but trying to get over it. I'm numb now and don't really feel much of anything right now, my heart is broken over losing my mom. Sex is just pleasure of the flesh. If someone wants my heart they are going to have to work pretty fucking hard to get it, but it's turned to ice for now. Oh, and Allen has been a sweetheart through all of this, texting me every few days, asking me how I'm doing. Mickey?? The only thing is said was, "Noooooo! I'm so sorry!" when I told him about my mom, and then the conversation I mentioned earlier. I'm planning on a little fun with my Allen. And did I forget to mention he's looking better than ever??? MMMM sent me new selfies. Yum yum yum. Did I tell you he's a dead ringer for actor Charlie Hunnam from "Sons of Anarchy"? Yes he is! I even sent him pics of the guy to him and he was like, "damn it's like looking in a mirror!!" So you can see why I'm hooked on him!
I'll keep you posted. Have a good week and happy hump day everyone!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Falling hard for someone new
Two Saturdays ago, I met someone who has temporarily made me completely forget Mickey. And I mean, COMPLETELY. Who, by the way, has been Snapchatting me quite a bit. And I am finding myself so annoyed because it's not this new guy. I'll call him Jay.
I met Jay out with hubby and friends at our favorite watering hole, a dive place on a lake that just is super fun. My friend's band was playing, so we went to support the band (we fellow band people do this for each other). They played all those cheesy 70's hits like "Brick House" and shit. We had just gotten there and were standing around drinking and chatting when this REALLY HOT GUY comes over and takes my hand and asks me to dance. I looked up at hubby and asked his permission (super sexy, and respectful) and he gave me his blessing and off we went. Jay and I burned up the dance floor. He was like fucking "Dancing with the Stars" type of dancer. Spinning me around, tango-ing and dipping me like a chip in hot sauce. It was FUN!!!!!! Too many songs in a row to count later, sweaty and thirsty, we went back to our group of friends. I don't know who he was with, but he came over and sipped out of my drink by mistake. Turns out we drink the SAME DRINK--GREY GOOSE AND RED BULL! It was a cute moment. Our eyes met at this realization and knew it was fate. LOL well I did anyways!
It was too loud to really chat, but we did take some selfies. I HAD to have a pic of him. I then said, "Give me your phone number. I'll send the best one to you." He said, 'Do you want to just send me the pic or keep texting me?" I looked up at him and said, "Keep texting you!" He smiled and gave me his number. I sent him one of the pics of us. I don't remember much of what happened next, but next thing I knew, hubby had grabbed my hand and was saying "bye" to everyone, "We gotta go!" and I looked at Jay and kissed him right on the mouth. It was short and sweet and I said "bye" and hubby dragged me out. I guess it was getting late and he was trying to keep me from getting too drunk.
Jay called and texted me for the next several hours, asking me to come meet him at yet another bar. I loved seeing his desperate calls for me while I fucked my hubby hard. Jay's texts finally stopped and they picked up first thing in the morning, and kept up all week. One night he asked to Skype and I was hesitant; told him I didn't feel comfortable being "that intimate" with him so soon and he laughed and said we could just text on it. I said I didn't know that cuz I've done the video chatting before!
With hubby out of town, and me taking a bath, we chatted on Skype for about 2 hours. We said a lot, I got to know him a little bit better and vice versa. I didn't say too much about my past other than hubby and I were currently monogamous but had been talking about opening the marriage again. He basically said he'd been "owned" by a married couple for 2 years, being their "sub" and would my hubby and I like that? I said "OMG absolutely sounds wonderful." He told me some nasty things they did and would I like that? We left it on a great note and he continued to text me all week.
Then Saturday night came.
I texted him at 10:30 am that I was free that night and that I'd like to get together for drinks. We didn't make definite plans, but agreed to meet. Some friends wanted us to meet in city X but he said "too far", so hubby and I got everyone to agree to go to city Y which was right in his neighborhood.
HE NEVER SHOWED UP.
He had been texting me all afternoon/evening, saying he was already drunk. He last wrote around 9 pm saying he was going to try to sober up so we could "have some fun."
I never heard back that night from him.
Sunday morning, he texted first thing and apologized. I was SO glad. We chatted for a little while back and forth. Nothing big. Just the weather and that as it's getting nice I like to wear sundresses. "without panties?" he asked. "Yes" I answered. We chatted a little more and then lastly I said, "Let's get together soon" with a kiss emoticon.
I haven't heard from him since.
WTF????
SIgh.
Why do you guys do this to us?????
I met Jay out with hubby and friends at our favorite watering hole, a dive place on a lake that just is super fun. My friend's band was playing, so we went to support the band (we fellow band people do this for each other). They played all those cheesy 70's hits like "Brick House" and shit. We had just gotten there and were standing around drinking and chatting when this REALLY HOT GUY comes over and takes my hand and asks me to dance. I looked up at hubby and asked his permission (super sexy, and respectful) and he gave me his blessing and off we went. Jay and I burned up the dance floor. He was like fucking "Dancing with the Stars" type of dancer. Spinning me around, tango-ing and dipping me like a chip in hot sauce. It was FUN!!!!!! Too many songs in a row to count later, sweaty and thirsty, we went back to our group of friends. I don't know who he was with, but he came over and sipped out of my drink by mistake. Turns out we drink the SAME DRINK--GREY GOOSE AND RED BULL! It was a cute moment. Our eyes met at this realization and knew it was fate. LOL well I did anyways!
It was too loud to really chat, but we did take some selfies. I HAD to have a pic of him. I then said, "Give me your phone number. I'll send the best one to you." He said, 'Do you want to just send me the pic or keep texting me?" I looked up at him and said, "Keep texting you!" He smiled and gave me his number. I sent him one of the pics of us. I don't remember much of what happened next, but next thing I knew, hubby had grabbed my hand and was saying "bye" to everyone, "We gotta go!" and I looked at Jay and kissed him right on the mouth. It was short and sweet and I said "bye" and hubby dragged me out. I guess it was getting late and he was trying to keep me from getting too drunk.
Jay called and texted me for the next several hours, asking me to come meet him at yet another bar. I loved seeing his desperate calls for me while I fucked my hubby hard. Jay's texts finally stopped and they picked up first thing in the morning, and kept up all week. One night he asked to Skype and I was hesitant; told him I didn't feel comfortable being "that intimate" with him so soon and he laughed and said we could just text on it. I said I didn't know that cuz I've done the video chatting before!
With hubby out of town, and me taking a bath, we chatted on Skype for about 2 hours. We said a lot, I got to know him a little bit better and vice versa. I didn't say too much about my past other than hubby and I were currently monogamous but had been talking about opening the marriage again. He basically said he'd been "owned" by a married couple for 2 years, being their "sub" and would my hubby and I like that? I said "OMG absolutely sounds wonderful." He told me some nasty things they did and would I like that? We left it on a great note and he continued to text me all week.
Then Saturday night came.
I texted him at 10:30 am that I was free that night and that I'd like to get together for drinks. We didn't make definite plans, but agreed to meet. Some friends wanted us to meet in city X but he said "too far", so hubby and I got everyone to agree to go to city Y which was right in his neighborhood.
HE NEVER SHOWED UP.
He had been texting me all afternoon/evening, saying he was already drunk. He last wrote around 9 pm saying he was going to try to sober up so we could "have some fun."
I never heard back that night from him.
Sunday morning, he texted first thing and apologized. I was SO glad. We chatted for a little while back and forth. Nothing big. Just the weather and that as it's getting nice I like to wear sundresses. "without panties?" he asked. "Yes" I answered. We chatted a little more and then lastly I said, "Let's get together soon" with a kiss emoticon.
I haven't heard from him since.
WTF????
SIgh.
Why do you guys do this to us?????
Friday, March 7, 2014
Oh MIckey, you're so fine you blow my mind
Hello all you sexy peeps how have you all been? I haven't forgotten about you! No, no, no, not at all. Just because we aren't actively swinging right now doesn't mean all is boring here. Mickey popped up out of the woodwork again last night after a long hiatus, which is Mickey's MO. Last I heard from him was that two-word response Jan 31st: "happy new year." That was it. So lo and behold how nice it was last night, I got to the gym for my tennis league and I was putting my things in my locker. I had my phone out still and BOOM there it is, his name with the sexy lip emoticon next to it, and the message, "hey, it's Mickey." I smiled a huge smile, staring at his words, and put my phone in my locker and shut the door and went to tennis. I wasn't sure how to respond; I always pick and choose my words to him so carefully. I just decided to go play tennis and think about it. When I did finally write him back an hour and a half later, I texted what I would normally say: "hey sexy man how are you?" And it took him another hour and a half to write ME back.
As they say, let the games begin.
We chatted back and forth, and as usual, he says very little. He throws me crumbs, and I gobble them up like a hungry pigeon. He just said he was in Washington visiting his mom "tonight". My brain heard "Washington" and of course thanks to my stalking of him my brain lit up immediately and it registered "Washington" as meaning, "trying to get that girl back that just dumped me." Yes, I'm smarter than he knows. But the point here is my friends, he ALWAYS comes back to me. ALWAYS.
I wish I knew what he wanted. I really don't know. Am I just an ego-booster to him? Just someone to pass the time with till something better comes along, or does he really care about me? I have no idea. I do know that I don't NEED his crumbs anymore. Oh, I like them very much indeed, but I don't NEED them the way I did. I don't keep checking my phone to see if he's texted, or over think "why isn't he texting?" I don't really care. They're nice when they come and I don't really think too much beyond that. It feels so much less constricting.
So anyways, we chatted a little, I always say too much. He told me he was looking for a new job (so what else is new?) and that he will be helping a friend move at the end of March--back to the city in California where we both lived! And ironically, I am going to California to see my mom this month too!!! My little heart started fluttering, just thinking about seeing him in two weeks. It's been over 3 years since we've seen each other. Of course, he back-pedaled and said he wasn't sure what his plans were "exactly" and that it "isn't up to me" because he's helping his friend move and that he was pretty sure they were going the last week in March. I'm going next weekend. He could change his plans if he really wanted to see me. It's that simple. I'm not stupid. Well, yes I am, because I'm always the one pulling him to change. He didn't offer, "WOW well let me see what I can do, I'd love to see you! Maybe he'd be willing to go two weeks earlier!!!" No, he did not. I will keep telling myself that.
Aside from Mr. Mickey, I am doing GREAT! LIfe is sweet these days. Hubby and I are doing very very well. I was able to fully forgive him and he is just amazing. Yes of course I will still always have the trauma, and the triggers, and of course the marriage will never be innocent again. The damage is done, and he has to live with what he's done to me FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. ON HIS DEATHBED HE WILL HAVE REGRETS.
BUT--having said that, he is a changed man. I have changed too; I am much wiser now and much, much stronger. Having been able to truly forgive him has made such a huge difference. I did it for ME. I was having a really bad December; November wasn't much better. I was having so much trouble with certain things he did (like bringing his whore here to meet my children, have sex with me, yeah, was having real trouble with that) and I was getting to the point where I thought, I either need to forgive him or leave him.
I still go to therapy every other week, and I'd been working on forgiveness. But like converting to a new religion, it just wasn't happening to me. I just wasn't feeling it. And the harder I tried, the more elusive it became. I started obsessing again, using my fake Facebook profile to stalk her. Hours wasted reading and re-reading her stupid profile for signs of her commenting on our life. Of course there was none. She's just the same old bitch she always was, only I was too trusting and naive to see it.
What finally pushed me over the edge is something I still haven't told my hubby about. I Googled her one day, and the very first thing that comes up is a website outing cheaters! I didn't remember doing so, but I had outed her publicly, full birth name and all, and told the world in print what a sociopathic scumbag she really was. I began to shake when I saw that she'd responded with a fake name that she was "single" (as if it made that any more honorable??? See what I mean????) and that my husband wouldn't have cheated if I'd "given him something to come home to." Nice.
I began to shake uncontrollably and thought I was going to pass out. I had to get up and walk around the house and calm myself down. I was so angry. I had no one to lash out at. I decided to email the webhost and ask them to remove it. I did, and then did some more research and found out the only way to have it removed was to hire a lawyer and pay about $400-500 to have it removed. I began to really panic. It didn't specify when she'd commented. It couldn't been two years ago (when I wrote it) or recently. I had no idea. I still don't. And I thought, I'll be the better person. I'll hire a lawyer and remove it.
Only I don't have $500. And WTF she deserves it. SHE can pay the $500 to get her "good name" back. HAHHAHAHAH And after a few days when this epiphany came to me I felt much better. I felt like I got the last word. She may have insulted me, but anyone reading that would agree that she proved she truly is a sociopath to blame it on the wife. Nice try bitch.
So anyways, that derailed me quite a bit. I had so much unresolved anger, and I was really getting to a boiling point with it. And it was something I heard on a podcast (I listen to LOTS of podcasts while I'm driving. I love psychology and listen to podcasts about infidelity, forgiveness, and personality disorders). I came upon one that resonated with me in a big way--the speaker said, "forgiveness is giving mercy to someone who doesn't deserve it." This was the first time I'd heard something like that. Everything I'd heard and read about forgiveness always talked about how you "do it for YOU! YOU'LL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! ANGER IS POISON!!" and always wrapped up in a tidy little bow that made it sound so easy to do and so WTF is wrong with me that I just couldn't forgive?????
That sentence stuck with me. If I could forgive someone who DIDN'T deserve to be forgiven, how about someone who DID? Namely, my husband??? And it kind of started to settle in. I saw how hard he was trying, and how much he loved me. How when I asked him the hard question, "HOW COULD YOU DO THOSE THINGS TO ME???" he honestly had no answer, other than, "the guy sitting here with you right now cannot believe that I did those things, and I could never do them now, ever again."
I just spent a few days being introspective about it all, and I was actually standing in front of my mirror, putting on makeup, thinking about it all, and I burst into tears and screamed, "I FORGIVE HIM! I FORGIVE HIM!!" and just sobbed a happy sob. It happened. It finally happened. Like "feeling Jesus" in church, I "felt forgiveness" in my heart. As if Cupid struck me with a bow and injected me suddenly with a forgiveness serum. Snap your fingers with me here, cuz that's how it happened.
I texted my husband "I have to talk to you tonight! It's good!" and when I finally got the chance to tell him, he was sobbing with shame and gratitude. And from that night on, things have been so much better. In forgiving him, I was able to release the build-up inside of me. I have been living backwards for the last 2 years. I was dying inside. I was sick of living backwards, ruminating constantly about the last 16 years of my life that was not what I thought it was. I had to figure out how to live in the present. My present was ruined by what he did in my past, and robbed me of choices I'd have made differently if I'd known the truth. But I had to come to an acceptance that what's done is done, and I can't go back. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Accept it. Part of me still fights it. But I'm using that fight now to make the years I have left better.
So, the whole open marriage thing is tabled for now. I know Mickey won't change his schedule and if he did would I go see him? Yes I would. In a heartbeat. I know my hubby wouldn't want it any other way. He knows what he means to me.
But what about hubby seeing other women? Sorry, he had his fun. He knows this too. I have told him I don't know if I'll ever be ok with it again. EVER. He can walk if he really wants other women. And aside from Mickey, I'm not interested in anyone else (not even Allen really. He texts me from time to time but I haven't made any effort to see him, nor has he). I have really grown. I don't need young guys to be interested in me anymore to feel good about myself. My kids are growing up and I'm not wishing I was younger anymore. I am what I am. It feels awesome.
On that note, I am obsessed with monogamy vs. non-monogamy. I'll continue to write about it here and I love hearing from you all about it. I have even convinced my therapist that open marriages CAN succeed. I have taught him a lot about it. But I do realize that a lot of us are having sex without really thinking about each other's well-being or our own. We drink to let ourselves get jiggy and then when we've sober we wonder WTF happened. We have to really know ourselves and not let alcohol talk us into doing things we wouldn't do sober. That was me, that was my hubby. How many of you drink to loosen up and let yourself be more sexual? Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily, unless you do it the way I did.
My alcohol-addled brain didn't question why my husband brought this whore into my house. When I asked him how he knew her, I accepted his answer. I didn't question him enough. I accepted everything he said, and everything she said and just went along to get along. That girl is so gone now. Not drinking anymore has brought me so much more peace and vigilance. I miss wine, I miss having fun and going out, and this new boring me is well, boring, but I feel like I'm taking care of me better.
Hubby is sober now too. I know it won't last for both of us; we have agreed to go "a month" but I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to keep it up. We never fight when we're sober. Only when we've been drinking. I hate how it messes with my mind. We have made a LOT of progress, but we had a huge fight a few weekends ago when out at a bar (of course) we were getting blasted, having a fun time with friends, and he casually points out this young thing as being "hot" and "such a good dancer." Well, for me, the night was over and I wanted to go. So we did and I let him have it. For me (once again, snap your fingers) that quick I was back to square one. I screamed at him, "If I wasn't there, just like in MInnesota when I wasn't there, you'd take her back to your apartment and fuck her." It was a horrible fight.
I said, "Why did you feel the need to tell me that? Was it to caution me that you might act on it and I needed to know?" He said no of course not. He thought, "you point out hot guys all the time and so that's all I was doing." I said, "Yeah and you get turned on when I do that. I do NOT get turned on when you find someone else attractive. And she's half your age, and a skank on top of it. Don't you have any taste??? Jeez you're attracted to a "4" then what am I? Guess that makes ME a "4" too." I said, 'Obviously, you have a "type", and it's the whore. That's really hard to deal with."
It was ugly. We couldn't settle it and had an emergency appointment with our couple's therapist. She told him, "that's called 'being an asshole". He was shocked. She said, "You're not in an open marriage anymore. You don't point out other women to her anymore. That's called being an asshole. Keep it to yourself. She's not ready to hear it." He thought he was "just being honest". I discussed it with my therapist too and he gave him some kudos for his honesty, but that he needs to learn how to behave in a monogamist marriage.
So that's where we're at right now. We are somewhere in between monogamist and non-monogamist. It's confusing, and so for now, it's best we stay sober so we don't lose our inhibitions in public. Friday nights are boring now, but I'll take boring. We go to the gym now instead of boozing it up at our local watering hole making jerks of ourselves. Or we go to a movie, or we go to a coffee house and play a board game. It's a little boring, but the more we do it, the more I like it.
From one extreme to the other. We will land somewhere in between eventually.
Thanks for reading this far. I know I've rambled. I had a long to say LOL (don't I always?)
Have a great weekend sexy peeps!!
Love always,
Anna XO
As they say, let the games begin.
We chatted back and forth, and as usual, he says very little. He throws me crumbs, and I gobble them up like a hungry pigeon. He just said he was in Washington visiting his mom "tonight". My brain heard "Washington" and of course thanks to my stalking of him my brain lit up immediately and it registered "Washington" as meaning, "trying to get that girl back that just dumped me." Yes, I'm smarter than he knows. But the point here is my friends, he ALWAYS comes back to me. ALWAYS.
I wish I knew what he wanted. I really don't know. Am I just an ego-booster to him? Just someone to pass the time with till something better comes along, or does he really care about me? I have no idea. I do know that I don't NEED his crumbs anymore. Oh, I like them very much indeed, but I don't NEED them the way I did. I don't keep checking my phone to see if he's texted, or over think "why isn't he texting?" I don't really care. They're nice when they come and I don't really think too much beyond that. It feels so much less constricting.
So anyways, we chatted a little, I always say too much. He told me he was looking for a new job (so what else is new?) and that he will be helping a friend move at the end of March--back to the city in California where we both lived! And ironically, I am going to California to see my mom this month too!!! My little heart started fluttering, just thinking about seeing him in two weeks. It's been over 3 years since we've seen each other. Of course, he back-pedaled and said he wasn't sure what his plans were "exactly" and that it "isn't up to me" because he's helping his friend move and that he was pretty sure they were going the last week in March. I'm going next weekend. He could change his plans if he really wanted to see me. It's that simple. I'm not stupid. Well, yes I am, because I'm always the one pulling him to change. He didn't offer, "WOW well let me see what I can do, I'd love to see you! Maybe he'd be willing to go two weeks earlier!!!" No, he did not. I will keep telling myself that.
Aside from Mr. Mickey, I am doing GREAT! LIfe is sweet these days. Hubby and I are doing very very well. I was able to fully forgive him and he is just amazing. Yes of course I will still always have the trauma, and the triggers, and of course the marriage will never be innocent again. The damage is done, and he has to live with what he's done to me FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. ON HIS DEATHBED HE WILL HAVE REGRETS.
BUT--having said that, he is a changed man. I have changed too; I am much wiser now and much, much stronger. Having been able to truly forgive him has made such a huge difference. I did it for ME. I was having a really bad December; November wasn't much better. I was having so much trouble with certain things he did (like bringing his whore here to meet my children, have sex with me, yeah, was having real trouble with that) and I was getting to the point where I thought, I either need to forgive him or leave him.
I still go to therapy every other week, and I'd been working on forgiveness. But like converting to a new religion, it just wasn't happening to me. I just wasn't feeling it. And the harder I tried, the more elusive it became. I started obsessing again, using my fake Facebook profile to stalk her. Hours wasted reading and re-reading her stupid profile for signs of her commenting on our life. Of course there was none. She's just the same old bitch she always was, only I was too trusting and naive to see it.
What finally pushed me over the edge is something I still haven't told my hubby about. I Googled her one day, and the very first thing that comes up is a website outing cheaters! I didn't remember doing so, but I had outed her publicly, full birth name and all, and told the world in print what a sociopathic scumbag she really was. I began to shake when I saw that she'd responded with a fake name that she was "single" (as if it made that any more honorable??? See what I mean????) and that my husband wouldn't have cheated if I'd "given him something to come home to." Nice.
I began to shake uncontrollably and thought I was going to pass out. I had to get up and walk around the house and calm myself down. I was so angry. I had no one to lash out at. I decided to email the webhost and ask them to remove it. I did, and then did some more research and found out the only way to have it removed was to hire a lawyer and pay about $400-500 to have it removed. I began to really panic. It didn't specify when she'd commented. It couldn't been two years ago (when I wrote it) or recently. I had no idea. I still don't. And I thought, I'll be the better person. I'll hire a lawyer and remove it.
Only I don't have $500. And WTF she deserves it. SHE can pay the $500 to get her "good name" back. HAHHAHAHAH And after a few days when this epiphany came to me I felt much better. I felt like I got the last word. She may have insulted me, but anyone reading that would agree that she proved she truly is a sociopath to blame it on the wife. Nice try bitch.
So anyways, that derailed me quite a bit. I had so much unresolved anger, and I was really getting to a boiling point with it. And it was something I heard on a podcast (I listen to LOTS of podcasts while I'm driving. I love psychology and listen to podcasts about infidelity, forgiveness, and personality disorders). I came upon one that resonated with me in a big way--the speaker said, "forgiveness is giving mercy to someone who doesn't deserve it." This was the first time I'd heard something like that. Everything I'd heard and read about forgiveness always talked about how you "do it for YOU! YOU'LL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! ANGER IS POISON!!" and always wrapped up in a tidy little bow that made it sound so easy to do and so WTF is wrong with me that I just couldn't forgive?????
That sentence stuck with me. If I could forgive someone who DIDN'T deserve to be forgiven, how about someone who DID? Namely, my husband??? And it kind of started to settle in. I saw how hard he was trying, and how much he loved me. How when I asked him the hard question, "HOW COULD YOU DO THOSE THINGS TO ME???" he honestly had no answer, other than, "the guy sitting here with you right now cannot believe that I did those things, and I could never do them now, ever again."
I just spent a few days being introspective about it all, and I was actually standing in front of my mirror, putting on makeup, thinking about it all, and I burst into tears and screamed, "I FORGIVE HIM! I FORGIVE HIM!!" and just sobbed a happy sob. It happened. It finally happened. Like "feeling Jesus" in church, I "felt forgiveness" in my heart. As if Cupid struck me with a bow and injected me suddenly with a forgiveness serum. Snap your fingers with me here, cuz that's how it happened.
I texted my husband "I have to talk to you tonight! It's good!" and when I finally got the chance to tell him, he was sobbing with shame and gratitude. And from that night on, things have been so much better. In forgiving him, I was able to release the build-up inside of me. I have been living backwards for the last 2 years. I was dying inside. I was sick of living backwards, ruminating constantly about the last 16 years of my life that was not what I thought it was. I had to figure out how to live in the present. My present was ruined by what he did in my past, and robbed me of choices I'd have made differently if I'd known the truth. But I had to come to an acceptance that what's done is done, and I can't go back. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Accept it. Part of me still fights it. But I'm using that fight now to make the years I have left better.
So, the whole open marriage thing is tabled for now. I know Mickey won't change his schedule and if he did would I go see him? Yes I would. In a heartbeat. I know my hubby wouldn't want it any other way. He knows what he means to me.
But what about hubby seeing other women? Sorry, he had his fun. He knows this too. I have told him I don't know if I'll ever be ok with it again. EVER. He can walk if he really wants other women. And aside from Mickey, I'm not interested in anyone else (not even Allen really. He texts me from time to time but I haven't made any effort to see him, nor has he). I have really grown. I don't need young guys to be interested in me anymore to feel good about myself. My kids are growing up and I'm not wishing I was younger anymore. I am what I am. It feels awesome.
On that note, I am obsessed with monogamy vs. non-monogamy. I'll continue to write about it here and I love hearing from you all about it. I have even convinced my therapist that open marriages CAN succeed. I have taught him a lot about it. But I do realize that a lot of us are having sex without really thinking about each other's well-being or our own. We drink to let ourselves get jiggy and then when we've sober we wonder WTF happened. We have to really know ourselves and not let alcohol talk us into doing things we wouldn't do sober. That was me, that was my hubby. How many of you drink to loosen up and let yourself be more sexual? Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily, unless you do it the way I did.
My alcohol-addled brain didn't question why my husband brought this whore into my house. When I asked him how he knew her, I accepted his answer. I didn't question him enough. I accepted everything he said, and everything she said and just went along to get along. That girl is so gone now. Not drinking anymore has brought me so much more peace and vigilance. I miss wine, I miss having fun and going out, and this new boring me is well, boring, but I feel like I'm taking care of me better.
Hubby is sober now too. I know it won't last for both of us; we have agreed to go "a month" but I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to keep it up. We never fight when we're sober. Only when we've been drinking. I hate how it messes with my mind. We have made a LOT of progress, but we had a huge fight a few weekends ago when out at a bar (of course) we were getting blasted, having a fun time with friends, and he casually points out this young thing as being "hot" and "such a good dancer." Well, for me, the night was over and I wanted to go. So we did and I let him have it. For me (once again, snap your fingers) that quick I was back to square one. I screamed at him, "If I wasn't there, just like in MInnesota when I wasn't there, you'd take her back to your apartment and fuck her." It was a horrible fight.
I said, "Why did you feel the need to tell me that? Was it to caution me that you might act on it and I needed to know?" He said no of course not. He thought, "you point out hot guys all the time and so that's all I was doing." I said, "Yeah and you get turned on when I do that. I do NOT get turned on when you find someone else attractive. And she's half your age, and a skank on top of it. Don't you have any taste??? Jeez you're attracted to a "4" then what am I? Guess that makes ME a "4" too." I said, 'Obviously, you have a "type", and it's the whore. That's really hard to deal with."
It was ugly. We couldn't settle it and had an emergency appointment with our couple's therapist. She told him, "that's called 'being an asshole". He was shocked. She said, "You're not in an open marriage anymore. You don't point out other women to her anymore. That's called being an asshole. Keep it to yourself. She's not ready to hear it." He thought he was "just being honest". I discussed it with my therapist too and he gave him some kudos for his honesty, but that he needs to learn how to behave in a monogamist marriage.
So that's where we're at right now. We are somewhere in between monogamist and non-monogamist. It's confusing, and so for now, it's best we stay sober so we don't lose our inhibitions in public. Friday nights are boring now, but I'll take boring. We go to the gym now instead of boozing it up at our local watering hole making jerks of ourselves. Or we go to a movie, or we go to a coffee house and play a board game. It's a little boring, but the more we do it, the more I like it.
From one extreme to the other. We will land somewhere in between eventually.
Thanks for reading this far. I know I've rambled. I had a long to say LOL (don't I always?)
Have a great weekend sexy peeps!!
Love always,
Anna XO
Labels:
forgiveness,
Mickey,
open marriage
Thursday, February 6, 2014
The new year so far
Hello all you sexy peeps out there, what's up?? It's been like what, six months since I've posted on here??? WOW well not much to report I'm sad to say. With dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, we had to abandon our other sexual partners.
HOWEVER.....
I still have my boyfriend Allen, on the back burner. He texts me from time to time, and it's always wonderful hearing from him. He's been busy improving his looks! He sent me a selfie, and ooh-la-la, what an improvement! He got rid of those god-awful yellow-tinted glasses and got contacts! And he got a decent haircut. I told him he looks just like that hot guy in "Sons of Anarchy", "Jax" (played by Charlie Hunnam). Check him out. That's my Allen. Fucking smoking hot. With the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen on a guy. And he's happy waiting for me. I told you, he doesn't have the biggest sexual appetite for someone so young. He's only 27! And he isn't dating anyone else. He just works, takes care of his younger brother and mom, bought a brand-new truck, and hangs out with his work buddies on the weekends. He's perfectly happy waiting for me. I think that's crazy.
But I know his personality, and I believe him. He's pretty introverted for someone so good-looking, and he's got that tough exterior, just like the actor on the show, and keeps everyone at arm's distance. And he's an auto mechanic, so the chances of meeting hot girls doesn't really happen I guess. I don't know. It wouldn't bother me a bit if he was dating someone else. In fact, it kind of bothers me that he doesn't, because I wish he was more sexual.
And Mickey is AWOL again. And I'm happy to say I don't really care anymore. I've been through SO much with my husband, he's just becoming an annoying little pest. Like a mosquito that you can't quite see but hear it buzzing around your ear when you're trying to sleep. You swat at it but it only goes away for a few minutes and just as you get comfortable, it's back. That's Mickey.
The last time I heard from him was a three-word response from a text I'd sent him. I wished him a happy new year, and sure enough, immediately, the response text came, "Happy new year." That was it. December 31st. Haven't heard from him since. I sent him pics that night of me, selfies I thought I looked sexy and youngish in, told him I missed him and wished we were together on New Year's Eve and all, and NOTHING. NOTHING BUT CRICKETS. CHIRP CHIRP.
Then my birthday came and went, and I creeped on his Facebook (of which I am NOT a "friend" mind you) and there's this hot young girl who lives in Ohio (he's in Oregon remember??) and ON MY BIRTHDAY he commented on a pic of hers how much he "loves your hair" complete with a smily face emoticon.
That did it for me.
What an asshole. I've known him almost 10 years, and he forgot my birthday. Instead of wishing me a happy birthday, he's telling another girl how much he loves her hair. Well, you know what? Fuck you Mickey. I don't need you to tell me you love MY hair anymore. That's the best part of dealing with this shit with my husband. I am SO over needing a young guy to make me feel young and sexy anymore. I'm embracing who I am. I'm not trying to be younger anymore, just happy being the best I can be at where I'm at right now.
That doesn't mean I've let myself go. No, not at all. I'm still at the gym most days, between tennis and boxing and running, and swimming 2 miles. I'm in great shape. My life is going well.
About two weeks ago, I had a deep, spiritual moment that caught me completely off-guard. I'd been dealing with my H and my issues surrounding all the lies and deceit and it had really been coming to a boiling point. I knew that I couldn't live the way I was living anymore, and I had to either choose to walk away, or re-commit to him in the way of forgiveness. I couldn't live another looking over my shoulder 24/7. Googling the whore and fearing her return. She was alive and well in every pore of my body 24/7. She occupied more space in my heart, brain and body than she deserved. I was miserable.
What pushed me over the edge was seeing something online that I'd completely forgotten about. Right after D-day (obviously) I had posted something very nasty (but 100% true) about her on a cheater's website. It's the kind of website where you post the name of someone who's betrayed you and publicly humiliate them. I'm not proud to say I did that, because first of all, it's irrevocable. It will be there forever, unless I'm willing to pay $500 to have her name removed. WHICH I AM NOT. LET THAT BE CLEAR. However, SHE can pay $500 to clear her name hahahha which she may do if she so chooses.
Was that wrong of me? Well, I didn't realize that it would be there forever. In my hour of extreme pain and desire for revenge, I vented. I wanted to hurt her just a fraction of how much she hurt me. And you know what??? Now I don't regret it one fucking bit nor do I feel much more than a tiny shoestring of guilt. Do you know why??? SHE COMMENTED BACK ON MY POSTING WITH A FAKE NAME, AND OUTED ME AND MY HUSBAND RIGHT BACK. Without our last names though thankfully, which I can only surmise she wasn't allowed to given the constrictions of the website. Only the original poster can do that.
AND GUESS WHAT SHE SAID?? NOT "I'M SO SORRY, YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT.' Or anything remotely close to that. SHE SAID THAT IT WAS MY FAULT; I SHOULD'VE GIVEN MY HUSBAND SOMETHING TO COME HOME TO. And in her second posting (under her false name) she added, "AND DON'T FORGET I WAS SINGLE." Like that makes it better???!!!!
I literally began to shake when I read this. I almost passed out with anger and fear. When I calmed down, I realized that I don't know when she wrote that. I could've been immediately after I wrote what I did, and possibly, like me, she doesn't even remember it's out there. But even so, it proves that she has absolutely no remorse or regret whatsoever. It clarified to me that she's never really going to go away. She was a patient bitch; she waited 14 years to come back into my husband's life and she will come back again. GUARANTEED.
So I collected myself and thought very hard about what to do. I actually wrote to the website and begged them to remove her name. I felt afraid of her and wanted it all gone. They never responded, and when I investigated further, these types of websites are really horrendous, they never delete anything once it's posted. People can say anything they want and it will be there forever, unless you hire an attorney and sue them to have it removed. My only saving grace is, she publicly admitted she cheated with my husband and thinks she didn't do anything wrong. If anything, it's MY fault for him being attracted to her because I "didn't give" him "something to come home to."
After calming down, the next day I confronted my H and we had about a 4-hour talk about "it", and the whore. Long story short (read my other blog for details) I was satisfied with his answers. I believed him. And the next day, after mediating, and doing a lot of hard core soul-searching, I realized, I forgive him. And when I told him that night, he sobbed, grateful tears of joy, like he's just won the lotto. And we've been doing great ever since.
I could write a book on forgiveness, but I'll tell you one thing---when a person is still in the anger and resentment phase, we don't want to hear how we ought to or need to forgive the person that's wronged us. We need someone to tell us we have a right to our pain. That we've been treated badly and need to grieve. Forgiveness isn't something that can be forced. If it is, it isn't genuine, and that old anger and resentment will creep back. That hasn't happened to me. That's how I know I was ready to forgive.
And so......things are great now. I get that forgiveness doesn't mean forget. How could I ever forget??? Unless I get dementia in my old age, I will never forget. I can't forget at bedtime, when the demon whore creeps out and reminds me of how she came into my home and fucked my husband behind my back. The declarations of love and deceit. The way she used me to get to him. The way they both used me to get to each other. It will never, ever go away. It is diminished, and I can calm myself down most of the time now. But it's there and it will always be there. It is written in stone on the story of our marriage. The "storybook" ending is forever gone.
I've come a long way. I can't even believe how smart, mature, and eyes-wide-open I am now. I see things so differently. I see the world so differently. And I'm not sure if the open marriage will ever be open again, but we are definitely open-minded about it. I don't accept things at face-value anymore. If anything, I've become shrewd and calculated about my personal being and no one will ever take advantage of me again. I would probably see it coming.
Will my husband ever cheat on me again? Is "once a cheater, always a cheater" true here? I cannot know this. Only time will tell. All I know is, he's been given a tremendous gift; the gift of a second chance. I'm all in. If he chooses to blow this opportunity, I will have no regrets. I will walk away with my head held high and know that I did everything I could to save this marriage. It takes two.
And if he was still seeing/contacting her, this would be a non-issue. We'd be divorcing. I'm not stupid. In the last two years, he's shown me his remorse on a daily basis. He's still proving it daily. He's tattooed things on himself as daily reminders to be a better person. He says that guy who did those things is gone. The shame inside will live on, and it's either suicide or be better for the remainder of his life. I see the better man daily, and I love him. He's the father of my children, and he has earned my forgiveness.
That being said....we did go to a Poly meet-up group here over the weekend and it was very interesting. Next post!
Now go have safe, honest, and exciting sex you sexy mutherfuckers!!!!! I love you all!
HOWEVER.....
I still have my boyfriend Allen, on the back burner. He texts me from time to time, and it's always wonderful hearing from him. He's been busy improving his looks! He sent me a selfie, and ooh-la-la, what an improvement! He got rid of those god-awful yellow-tinted glasses and got contacts! And he got a decent haircut. I told him he looks just like that hot guy in "Sons of Anarchy", "Jax" (played by Charlie Hunnam). Check him out. That's my Allen. Fucking smoking hot. With the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen on a guy. And he's happy waiting for me. I told you, he doesn't have the biggest sexual appetite for someone so young. He's only 27! And he isn't dating anyone else. He just works, takes care of his younger brother and mom, bought a brand-new truck, and hangs out with his work buddies on the weekends. He's perfectly happy waiting for me. I think that's crazy.
But I know his personality, and I believe him. He's pretty introverted for someone so good-looking, and he's got that tough exterior, just like the actor on the show, and keeps everyone at arm's distance. And he's an auto mechanic, so the chances of meeting hot girls doesn't really happen I guess. I don't know. It wouldn't bother me a bit if he was dating someone else. In fact, it kind of bothers me that he doesn't, because I wish he was more sexual.
And Mickey is AWOL again. And I'm happy to say I don't really care anymore. I've been through SO much with my husband, he's just becoming an annoying little pest. Like a mosquito that you can't quite see but hear it buzzing around your ear when you're trying to sleep. You swat at it but it only goes away for a few minutes and just as you get comfortable, it's back. That's Mickey.
The last time I heard from him was a three-word response from a text I'd sent him. I wished him a happy new year, and sure enough, immediately, the response text came, "Happy new year." That was it. December 31st. Haven't heard from him since. I sent him pics that night of me, selfies I thought I looked sexy and youngish in, told him I missed him and wished we were together on New Year's Eve and all, and NOTHING. NOTHING BUT CRICKETS. CHIRP CHIRP.
Then my birthday came and went, and I creeped on his Facebook (of which I am NOT a "friend" mind you) and there's this hot young girl who lives in Ohio (he's in Oregon remember??) and ON MY BIRTHDAY he commented on a pic of hers how much he "loves your hair" complete with a smily face emoticon.
That did it for me.
What an asshole. I've known him almost 10 years, and he forgot my birthday. Instead of wishing me a happy birthday, he's telling another girl how much he loves her hair. Well, you know what? Fuck you Mickey. I don't need you to tell me you love MY hair anymore. That's the best part of dealing with this shit with my husband. I am SO over needing a young guy to make me feel young and sexy anymore. I'm embracing who I am. I'm not trying to be younger anymore, just happy being the best I can be at where I'm at right now.
That doesn't mean I've let myself go. No, not at all. I'm still at the gym most days, between tennis and boxing and running, and swimming 2 miles. I'm in great shape. My life is going well.
About two weeks ago, I had a deep, spiritual moment that caught me completely off-guard. I'd been dealing with my H and my issues surrounding all the lies and deceit and it had really been coming to a boiling point. I knew that I couldn't live the way I was living anymore, and I had to either choose to walk away, or re-commit to him in the way of forgiveness. I couldn't live another looking over my shoulder 24/7. Googling the whore and fearing her return. She was alive and well in every pore of my body 24/7. She occupied more space in my heart, brain and body than she deserved. I was miserable.
What pushed me over the edge was seeing something online that I'd completely forgotten about. Right after D-day (obviously) I had posted something very nasty (but 100% true) about her on a cheater's website. It's the kind of website where you post the name of someone who's betrayed you and publicly humiliate them. I'm not proud to say I did that, because first of all, it's irrevocable. It will be there forever, unless I'm willing to pay $500 to have her name removed. WHICH I AM NOT. LET THAT BE CLEAR. However, SHE can pay $500 to clear her name hahahha which she may do if she so chooses.
Was that wrong of me? Well, I didn't realize that it would be there forever. In my hour of extreme pain and desire for revenge, I vented. I wanted to hurt her just a fraction of how much she hurt me. And you know what??? Now I don't regret it one fucking bit nor do I feel much more than a tiny shoestring of guilt. Do you know why??? SHE COMMENTED BACK ON MY POSTING WITH A FAKE NAME, AND OUTED ME AND MY HUSBAND RIGHT BACK. Without our last names though thankfully, which I can only surmise she wasn't allowed to given the constrictions of the website. Only the original poster can do that.
AND GUESS WHAT SHE SAID?? NOT "I'M SO SORRY, YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT.' Or anything remotely close to that. SHE SAID THAT IT WAS MY FAULT; I SHOULD'VE GIVEN MY HUSBAND SOMETHING TO COME HOME TO. And in her second posting (under her false name) she added, "AND DON'T FORGET I WAS SINGLE." Like that makes it better???!!!!
I literally began to shake when I read this. I almost passed out with anger and fear. When I calmed down, I realized that I don't know when she wrote that. I could've been immediately after I wrote what I did, and possibly, like me, she doesn't even remember it's out there. But even so, it proves that she has absolutely no remorse or regret whatsoever. It clarified to me that she's never really going to go away. She was a patient bitch; she waited 14 years to come back into my husband's life and she will come back again. GUARANTEED.
So I collected myself and thought very hard about what to do. I actually wrote to the website and begged them to remove her name. I felt afraid of her and wanted it all gone. They never responded, and when I investigated further, these types of websites are really horrendous, they never delete anything once it's posted. People can say anything they want and it will be there forever, unless you hire an attorney and sue them to have it removed. My only saving grace is, she publicly admitted she cheated with my husband and thinks she didn't do anything wrong. If anything, it's MY fault for him being attracted to her because I "didn't give" him "something to come home to."
After calming down, the next day I confronted my H and we had about a 4-hour talk about "it", and the whore. Long story short (read my other blog for details) I was satisfied with his answers. I believed him. And the next day, after mediating, and doing a lot of hard core soul-searching, I realized, I forgive him. And when I told him that night, he sobbed, grateful tears of joy, like he's just won the lotto. And we've been doing great ever since.
I could write a book on forgiveness, but I'll tell you one thing---when a person is still in the anger and resentment phase, we don't want to hear how we ought to or need to forgive the person that's wronged us. We need someone to tell us we have a right to our pain. That we've been treated badly and need to grieve. Forgiveness isn't something that can be forced. If it is, it isn't genuine, and that old anger and resentment will creep back. That hasn't happened to me. That's how I know I was ready to forgive.
And so......things are great now. I get that forgiveness doesn't mean forget. How could I ever forget??? Unless I get dementia in my old age, I will never forget. I can't forget at bedtime, when the demon whore creeps out and reminds me of how she came into my home and fucked my husband behind my back. The declarations of love and deceit. The way she used me to get to him. The way they both used me to get to each other. It will never, ever go away. It is diminished, and I can calm myself down most of the time now. But it's there and it will always be there. It is written in stone on the story of our marriage. The "storybook" ending is forever gone.
I've come a long way. I can't even believe how smart, mature, and eyes-wide-open I am now. I see things so differently. I see the world so differently. And I'm not sure if the open marriage will ever be open again, but we are definitely open-minded about it. I don't accept things at face-value anymore. If anything, I've become shrewd and calculated about my personal being and no one will ever take advantage of me again. I would probably see it coming.
Will my husband ever cheat on me again? Is "once a cheater, always a cheater" true here? I cannot know this. Only time will tell. All I know is, he's been given a tremendous gift; the gift of a second chance. I'm all in. If he chooses to blow this opportunity, I will have no regrets. I will walk away with my head held high and know that I did everything I could to save this marriage. It takes two.
And if he was still seeing/contacting her, this would be a non-issue. We'd be divorcing. I'm not stupid. In the last two years, he's shown me his remorse on a daily basis. He's still proving it daily. He's tattooed things on himself as daily reminders to be a better person. He says that guy who did those things is gone. The shame inside will live on, and it's either suicide or be better for the remainder of his life. I see the better man daily, and I love him. He's the father of my children, and he has earned my forgiveness.
That being said....we did go to a Poly meet-up group here over the weekend and it was very interesting. Next post!
Now go have safe, honest, and exciting sex you sexy mutherfuckers!!!!! I love you all!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Uh oh, guess who's back
Hello all you sexy readers! I'm sorry I haven't had much to write about lately, and we are both suffering from a dry spell LOL UNTIL THIS WEEK!!!
WOWZA have I got news for you!
Mickey is back!!!
I knew he would be eventually. This time it took 14 months. I woke up around 5 am two days ago to go to the bathroom and saw the name on my cell phone. I gasped, I literally gasped. I stared at it; I just couldn't believe it. His name on my cell phone; a private message sent to my Facebook. I was so excited I grabbed my glasses and opened the message. It was a simple, "Hey! How have you been?" The profile pic attached to the message was just a black square. Curious, I clicked on it to see his Facebook page, which I guess if I had been stalking him like I used to, I'd have already known that he and his GF had broken up and clearly it wasn't his idea. His page is mostly private so there's not much I could see except a comment about the black picture and how he's "moving on."
WOW.
I just sat there, incredulous. I didn't respond. I just went back to bed and pondered about having Mickey back in my life.
If I had any sense, I'd have ignored the message and/or deleted it. But I don't have any sense when it comes to Mickey. I knew at 5 am I was royally screwed.
So in the last two days, we've texted about a hundred texts and HE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT!! He was delivering pizzas, just like the olden days. It was surreal. It was amazing hearing his voice. He has changed; he seems easier to talk to and he's more responsive, but it's still way too soon to know for sure what he wants. He's not even flirting with me; it seems like right now he just wants a friend but I am not interested in being his friend. He told me all about his breakup with his GF, that he's "still in love with that girl" but she's clearly dumped him and moving to Arizona to go to school. I can't believe she's dumping him now. I had to ask him--so, do you remember those last emails you sent me? He said yes. I said cautiously, "so, I'm guessing she found out about me?" and he said yes. I said, "and she forgave you?" He said 'Yes", and went on to explain that they were really happy and he didn't see the breakup coming. He said something vague about "she was mad at me" but that's all. He said that they hadn't been living together most of the time--I wanted to ask about her "in a domestic partnership" relationship status on her Facebook but then he'd know I stalked her so I didn't mention it. Guess it doesn't really matter at all anyway.
He texted me again at midnight, wanting to face time but I had been sound asleep (hubby too) and so I said I could only text. I reminded him we are 2 hours ahead. He apologized and said, "Ok, well I'll text you tomorrow" and I said, "I can text now" and we did for over an hour. He started talking about coming here, not just to visit but to MOVE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was stunned. He said repeatedly, "I'm single now. I have nothing holding me here anymore. I can go anywhere I want. I have been wanting to get away." And then the convo went specific--he wanted to know the name of the town I live in so he could Google it. He obviously did, because he commented, "Now I know where to go to find a sugar mama." Yeah dope-head ME!!!!!!!!
He asked so many specific questions it was unreal. When we first moved here in fall of 2010, he started talking about moving here but it was always vague and back then, I pushed and pushed to get him to move here. Comparing the two, I realize that I wanted him here more than he wanted to be here, and now it's reversed!!! He is honestly, seriously considering it. He's looked up apartments, how to get his bartender's license, he asked about what it's like living here, it was surreal.
I flirted with him a couple times. I told him in a text that I'd had an erotic dream about him and he never responded. So when I got the chance, I asked him about it. I asked what he thought of it and he said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to say something. I was surprised that you did." I said, "Why's that?" He said, "We haven't talked in a long time." Hmmm duh but did he forget we had quite a history together??! That was disappointing.
I do plan on being more up-front and direct with him as time passes. I am not going to play cat and mouse with him again. I know he's recovering from a broken heart and that's good. He treated her like shit and she is done with him. I am insanely curious for details, and before I let that man back into my bed I am going to really talk to him this time. No holding back.
I need to remind him how badly he treated ME too. How much he hurt me. How lucky he is that I really do love him, always have, and always forgive him even if he doesn't deserve it. How I always take him back, and remind him, how he always comes back to me. We always go back to each other. The day I told my husband I wanted a divorce, who did I text immediately??? Mickey.
And who did he text when his relationship ended? ME.
I don't want to continue having the kind of relationship with him we've had in the past, and by that I mean mostly sexual and not much else. He always kept me at arm's length, he even said to me once that he didn't want to tell me things about him, and so I knew my place. I was not much more than a sexual partner and it was my own fault for getting my feelings hurt. He used me and I fell in love, so that's no one's stupid fault but my own. Of course, I didn't know he had a GF and was cheating on her with me. He needs to know how wrong that was and how much it upset me.
So before he comes here, I will be asking him to tell me what he's planning. Because as much as I fantasize about being with him again, I know that I am treading in very deadly waters.
By the time we'd finally said "goodnight", I had told him I have a boyfriend here. I don't really anymore; Allen stopped texting but Jake still texts and sends me sexy pics. In fact, he was out of town all alone in a hotel room last week and horny as hell, sending me the NASTIEST pics I've ever gotten. My favorite one he's holding his cell phone so I could see his huge hard dick and the sexy smirk on his face while he's holding it (his dick) for me to see. I haven't actually seen Jake in more than a year but that sexy 20-year old adores me and begs me to come see him. He's in Chicago, which is about 90 min away and although not really that far, it just involves a night's stay in a hotel and really good planning so my daughter doesn't wonder where the hell Mommy is!! LOL
So anyway, we texted "goodnight"; I sent an emoticon of a sexy pair of lips and said, "Goodnight sexy man, kisses" and he just said, "night". Hmmm.
I was so aroused I masturbated right then and there in the dark, under my covers, my sweet hubby quietly snoring next to me. I tried to fall asleep afterwards, and realized I was still really turned on and masturbated again! Then I fell asleep.
I am sooooo tired today. But happy.
WOWZA have I got news for you!
Mickey is back!!!
I knew he would be eventually. This time it took 14 months. I woke up around 5 am two days ago to go to the bathroom and saw the name on my cell phone. I gasped, I literally gasped. I stared at it; I just couldn't believe it. His name on my cell phone; a private message sent to my Facebook. I was so excited I grabbed my glasses and opened the message. It was a simple, "Hey! How have you been?" The profile pic attached to the message was just a black square. Curious, I clicked on it to see his Facebook page, which I guess if I had been stalking him like I used to, I'd have already known that he and his GF had broken up and clearly it wasn't his idea. His page is mostly private so there's not much I could see except a comment about the black picture and how he's "moving on."
WOW.
I just sat there, incredulous. I didn't respond. I just went back to bed and pondered about having Mickey back in my life.
If I had any sense, I'd have ignored the message and/or deleted it. But I don't have any sense when it comes to Mickey. I knew at 5 am I was royally screwed.
So in the last two days, we've texted about a hundred texts and HE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT!! He was delivering pizzas, just like the olden days. It was surreal. It was amazing hearing his voice. He has changed; he seems easier to talk to and he's more responsive, but it's still way too soon to know for sure what he wants. He's not even flirting with me; it seems like right now he just wants a friend but I am not interested in being his friend. He told me all about his breakup with his GF, that he's "still in love with that girl" but she's clearly dumped him and moving to Arizona to go to school. I can't believe she's dumping him now. I had to ask him--so, do you remember those last emails you sent me? He said yes. I said cautiously, "so, I'm guessing she found out about me?" and he said yes. I said, "and she forgave you?" He said 'Yes", and went on to explain that they were really happy and he didn't see the breakup coming. He said something vague about "she was mad at me" but that's all. He said that they hadn't been living together most of the time--I wanted to ask about her "in a domestic partnership" relationship status on her Facebook but then he'd know I stalked her so I didn't mention it. Guess it doesn't really matter at all anyway.
He texted me again at midnight, wanting to face time but I had been sound asleep (hubby too) and so I said I could only text. I reminded him we are 2 hours ahead. He apologized and said, "Ok, well I'll text you tomorrow" and I said, "I can text now" and we did for over an hour. He started talking about coming here, not just to visit but to MOVE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was stunned. He said repeatedly, "I'm single now. I have nothing holding me here anymore. I can go anywhere I want. I have been wanting to get away." And then the convo went specific--he wanted to know the name of the town I live in so he could Google it. He obviously did, because he commented, "Now I know where to go to find a sugar mama." Yeah dope-head ME!!!!!!!!
He asked so many specific questions it was unreal. When we first moved here in fall of 2010, he started talking about moving here but it was always vague and back then, I pushed and pushed to get him to move here. Comparing the two, I realize that I wanted him here more than he wanted to be here, and now it's reversed!!! He is honestly, seriously considering it. He's looked up apartments, how to get his bartender's license, he asked about what it's like living here, it was surreal.
I flirted with him a couple times. I told him in a text that I'd had an erotic dream about him and he never responded. So when I got the chance, I asked him about it. I asked what he thought of it and he said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to say something. I was surprised that you did." I said, "Why's that?" He said, "We haven't talked in a long time." Hmmm duh but did he forget we had quite a history together??! That was disappointing.
I do plan on being more up-front and direct with him as time passes. I am not going to play cat and mouse with him again. I know he's recovering from a broken heart and that's good. He treated her like shit and she is done with him. I am insanely curious for details, and before I let that man back into my bed I am going to really talk to him this time. No holding back.
I need to remind him how badly he treated ME too. How much he hurt me. How lucky he is that I really do love him, always have, and always forgive him even if he doesn't deserve it. How I always take him back, and remind him, how he always comes back to me. We always go back to each other. The day I told my husband I wanted a divorce, who did I text immediately??? Mickey.
And who did he text when his relationship ended? ME.
I don't want to continue having the kind of relationship with him we've had in the past, and by that I mean mostly sexual and not much else. He always kept me at arm's length, he even said to me once that he didn't want to tell me things about him, and so I knew my place. I was not much more than a sexual partner and it was my own fault for getting my feelings hurt. He used me and I fell in love, so that's no one's stupid fault but my own. Of course, I didn't know he had a GF and was cheating on her with me. He needs to know how wrong that was and how much it upset me.
So before he comes here, I will be asking him to tell me what he's planning. Because as much as I fantasize about being with him again, I know that I am treading in very deadly waters.
By the time we'd finally said "goodnight", I had told him I have a boyfriend here. I don't really anymore; Allen stopped texting but Jake still texts and sends me sexy pics. In fact, he was out of town all alone in a hotel room last week and horny as hell, sending me the NASTIEST pics I've ever gotten. My favorite one he's holding his cell phone so I could see his huge hard dick and the sexy smirk on his face while he's holding it (his dick) for me to see. I haven't actually seen Jake in more than a year but that sexy 20-year old adores me and begs me to come see him. He's in Chicago, which is about 90 min away and although not really that far, it just involves a night's stay in a hotel and really good planning so my daughter doesn't wonder where the hell Mommy is!! LOL
So anyway, we texted "goodnight"; I sent an emoticon of a sexy pair of lips and said, "Goodnight sexy man, kisses" and he just said, "night". Hmmm.
I was so aroused I masturbated right then and there in the dark, under my covers, my sweet hubby quietly snoring next to me. I tried to fall asleep afterwards, and realized I was still really turned on and masturbated again! Then I fell asleep.
I am sooooo tired today. But happy.
Labels:
BF,
cheating,
Facebook,
GF,
having sex,
hubby,
masturbation,
Mickey,
sugar mama
Monday, July 22, 2013
Strip club fun
I've finally got something juicy to talk about! DAMN this fucking infidelity thing has SO messed up our sex lives. We are doing really well lately--we are starting to get back to some sexier behavior pre-d-day. We have been taking things really slowly--my Allen is back in my life and that's awesome but I am figuring out there's something really odd about him and I think as much as I'm attracted to him, we are very mis-matched. For example, my H and I went to a strip club last night with a group of our friends and I texted him we were there. We were all very drunk and turned on--we found out a girl in our group--one of my co-workers who's 24 and beautiful and just broke her engagement to a really great guy--likes women! So we bought her a private lap dance with one of the strippers. We made her tell us which stripper she liked best--hehehe--it was such naughty fun! I wasn't jealous of my H at all. It was a turn-on actually. Anyway, I'll talk about that later but I texted Allen and told him what we were up to and his response was so annoying I decided I'm done with him. Verbatim, here's what he said--"What are you doing at one of those disease nests? I hate strip clubs."
Yeah. That's what I thought too.
What kind of 27-year old guy DOESN'T like strip clubs???? COME ON!!! THE WOMEN ARE GORGEOUS, HALF-NAKED AND WRITHING IN FRONT OF YOU. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?????
If you are a guy and you can't stand strip clubs, would you please tell me why?? It saddens me that he is not more open-minded. I know there are a lot of women out there that hate them--they say things like they feel bad for the dancers, it's pathetic, makes them feel jealous, etc. but for a GUY not to like them?
When I was in my 20's and was with my asshole ex, I used to be SO insecure and when I found out he went to a strip club I was beside myself with anger, jealousy and rage. It made me feel like I was chopped liver. Now that I'm older and wiser, I know better and I see strip clubs completely differently than I used to. These women are strong and beautiful and sexy, and they smell amazing!! Every stripper there gently and seductively put their breasts in my face and they were soft and sweet and I could've fallen in love with any and all of them. There wasn't a thought in my mind about "disease". Jeez Louise.
There was one girl who was amazing on that pole, let me tell you. She went all the way up to the top, hung herself upside down, and dropped like lightning headfirst and stopped just inches from the ground, her long blonde hair barely scraping the floor. She cascaded around and around, spinning upside down like a top, then pulled herself upright fast as lightning. She was amazing. Only her and one other girl were capable of really working that pole like that; the slightly overweight girls just danced around the pole and couldn't do the gymastics and of course we tipped the more-skilled girls more. As I was watching them, I was not grossed out or thinking they had "diseases". It was a very clean, nice club and the staff was attractive and the service was great so I don't get Allen's point of view, and honestly, I am really done with him. He is super hot too.
I hadn't seen him in awhile and my hubby was getting okay with me seeing him again, so we have been trying to hook up. With the kids out of school for summer, it hasn't worked out so far, but ironically, I was in his city last week (about 15 miles from me in a part of town I don't usually go to) and texted him. He thankfully wanted to see me so we arranged to meet at a grocery store nearby! I had my daughter and a friend of hers with me--I took them to this fun trampoline place in his town--so I had to be strategic. After they were done jumping they were hungry so I dropped them off at Taco Bell and since I had to go to the store anyway, drove over to it (it was just across the parking lot) and told Allen where I was. I was nervous and excited to see him and it felt just like when I used to go visit Mickey at the grocery store he worked at. I was in produce, just like old times to see Mickey LOL and lo and behold, Allen came up behind me and touched me while he simultaneously picked up one of the avocados in the bin I was looking at and spun around and gave me a wicked smile. He got contacts, thank God, got rid of those awful glasses of his and his blue eyes just looked devilish. I realized how much I missed him. Damn, what a hottie. We flirted and joked, walking over to the soda section so he could get a Rockstar drink and hide from the other shoppers. He didn't even kiss me, just talked about his new job and shit and I knew we only had a couple minutes and I had to go get the girls. I realize I don't listen to anything he says cuz all I'm thinking is sex--"kiss me asshole" or something like that. Blah blah blah. Finally I saw my daughter and her friend enter the store so we parted ways. Very unfulfilling. I had fantasies of some making out in the car or shit, even the soda aisle but NO.
I texted him a few days later with two opportunities for him to come see me and have sex with me. He had excuses each time. Now with his remark about the strip club, I'm done. Either he's changed his mind about me--perfectly acceptable--I get it--or he just really doesn't like sex that much. Either way, I'm done. I'm not going to text him anymore and see if he puts forth any effort. I'm looking for a new BF.
And I thought I found someone--a cutie named Eli who is only 18 ("I'm going to be 19 soon!") who found me on cougarlife who I last texted months ago and said I wasn't seeing anyone. So I started writing him and he was like, "ooo girl where you been?? I want you SO bad" and sent me face pics and a dick pic (of course) and then when I said, "hey I'm free tonight let's get together" I fucking never heard back.
Yeah.
Happy Monday all you sexy motherfuckers out there.
Yeah. That's what I thought too.
What kind of 27-year old guy DOESN'T like strip clubs???? COME ON!!! THE WOMEN ARE GORGEOUS, HALF-NAKED AND WRITHING IN FRONT OF YOU. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?????
If you are a guy and you can't stand strip clubs, would you please tell me why?? It saddens me that he is not more open-minded. I know there are a lot of women out there that hate them--they say things like they feel bad for the dancers, it's pathetic, makes them feel jealous, etc. but for a GUY not to like them?
When I was in my 20's and was with my asshole ex, I used to be SO insecure and when I found out he went to a strip club I was beside myself with anger, jealousy and rage. It made me feel like I was chopped liver. Now that I'm older and wiser, I know better and I see strip clubs completely differently than I used to. These women are strong and beautiful and sexy, and they smell amazing!! Every stripper there gently and seductively put their breasts in my face and they were soft and sweet and I could've fallen in love with any and all of them. There wasn't a thought in my mind about "disease". Jeez Louise.
There was one girl who was amazing on that pole, let me tell you. She went all the way up to the top, hung herself upside down, and dropped like lightning headfirst and stopped just inches from the ground, her long blonde hair barely scraping the floor. She cascaded around and around, spinning upside down like a top, then pulled herself upright fast as lightning. She was amazing. Only her and one other girl were capable of really working that pole like that; the slightly overweight girls just danced around the pole and couldn't do the gymastics and of course we tipped the more-skilled girls more. As I was watching them, I was not grossed out or thinking they had "diseases". It was a very clean, nice club and the staff was attractive and the service was great so I don't get Allen's point of view, and honestly, I am really done with him. He is super hot too.
I hadn't seen him in awhile and my hubby was getting okay with me seeing him again, so we have been trying to hook up. With the kids out of school for summer, it hasn't worked out so far, but ironically, I was in his city last week (about 15 miles from me in a part of town I don't usually go to) and texted him. He thankfully wanted to see me so we arranged to meet at a grocery store nearby! I had my daughter and a friend of hers with me--I took them to this fun trampoline place in his town--so I had to be strategic. After they were done jumping they were hungry so I dropped them off at Taco Bell and since I had to go to the store anyway, drove over to it (it was just across the parking lot) and told Allen where I was. I was nervous and excited to see him and it felt just like when I used to go visit Mickey at the grocery store he worked at. I was in produce, just like old times to see Mickey LOL and lo and behold, Allen came up behind me and touched me while he simultaneously picked up one of the avocados in the bin I was looking at and spun around and gave me a wicked smile. He got contacts, thank God, got rid of those awful glasses of his and his blue eyes just looked devilish. I realized how much I missed him. Damn, what a hottie. We flirted and joked, walking over to the soda section so he could get a Rockstar drink and hide from the other shoppers. He didn't even kiss me, just talked about his new job and shit and I knew we only had a couple minutes and I had to go get the girls. I realize I don't listen to anything he says cuz all I'm thinking is sex--"kiss me asshole" or something like that. Blah blah blah. Finally I saw my daughter and her friend enter the store so we parted ways. Very unfulfilling. I had fantasies of some making out in the car or shit, even the soda aisle but NO.
I texted him a few days later with two opportunities for him to come see me and have sex with me. He had excuses each time. Now with his remark about the strip club, I'm done. Either he's changed his mind about me--perfectly acceptable--I get it--or he just really doesn't like sex that much. Either way, I'm done. I'm not going to text him anymore and see if he puts forth any effort. I'm looking for a new BF.
And I thought I found someone--a cutie named Eli who is only 18 ("I'm going to be 19 soon!") who found me on cougarlife who I last texted months ago and said I wasn't seeing anyone. So I started writing him and he was like, "ooo girl where you been?? I want you SO bad" and sent me face pics and a dick pic (of course) and then when I said, "hey I'm free tonight let's get together" I fucking never heard back.
Yeah.
Happy Monday all you sexy motherfuckers out there.
Labels:
boobies,
breasts,
drunk,
infidelity,
strip club,
women
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Does anyone believe in "happily ever after" anymore??
Good morning sexies!
My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.
Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity???
I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.
In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.
I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.
I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.
I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.
Love you all, gotta run.
Anna
XOXO
My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.
Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity???
I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.
In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.
I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.
I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.
I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.
Love you all, gotta run.
Anna
XOXO
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Monogamy sucks!
Jeez has it really been three months since I've written a post here? God I'm so sorry my sexy friends. My life really hasn't been very exciting in so long and I have always been 100% honest on here. I'm not going to start making shit up just so I have something to post. If it ain't happening, I'm not writing about it. Sad. It sucks.
My sexy boyfriend Allen still texts me from time to time. He's amazing. He refuses to date anyone but me, and I'm SO off the radar right now. I don't know if I'll ever have sex with him (or anyone but my hubby) ever again. We are in such a weird state with our marriage right now. I'm not really liking it. I miss how my boyfriends used to make me feel so sexy. I have gained a few pounds (I'm about 128 and at 5-2, I need to be at least 120) so I'm not happy about that. I have gained a lot of muscle now that I'm boxing, so that's good. I look pretty toned and solid; I'm really hoping I'll get that sexy core that I see in pics of sexy female boxers. I love boxing; it makes me feel so strong and sexy and let me tell you, there ain't nothing like finding out your husband's cheated on you with three women to feel like shit about yourself. I have definitely lost my mojo. I feel like I'm really trying to put myself back together again, but there are pieces missing so I have to create a new me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
When I left my first husband (23 years ago after a brief marriage without kids) I never went through this whole "redefining myself" thing. I wanted out. It wasn't easy leaving him only because I was so used to clinging to someone for survival, even if they were abusing me because I didn't know how to be alone.
I did rather well rather quickly; it was so nice to not have to feel like everything I did was wrong for once in my life. I blossomed. I did change my name; but mostly because I was so disgusted that I allowed myself to be abused and was afraid he'd come after me. I also thought if I changed my name, I'd become someone else. I didn't really; it was actually hard to change my name and embarrassing cuz people were like, "okaaaaaay...."
So I've been this new name for 23 years now and sometimes it's still weird. BUT.....now I've got to reinvent myself again. I totally get it now when I read about celebrities "reinventing" themselves. I've done it before and now I've got to do it again. Because there comes a time when what you've been doing isn't working anymore, and big changes are what's needed to fix the problems.
I miss the sex with other guys. I miss Jake the most; he's touring with his band and I love knowing he's thinking of me. In my most narcissistic moments I read the words to his bands' songs and wonder if the ones about "missing the one that got away" I always secretly hope it's about me. I know he does a lot of the songwriting and it's exciting knowing that he absolutely crazy about me. Did I mention he is barely 19 years old???
Did you like the sexy pics of my men?? I miss them!!!! I miss my LA model/actor boy too....we did some nasty things together on Skype about a year ago and damn I wish I could've recorded it.....
Sigh. I just don't know where it's all headed.
Tarot anyone?
My sexy boyfriend Allen still texts me from time to time. He's amazing. He refuses to date anyone but me, and I'm SO off the radar right now. I don't know if I'll ever have sex with him (or anyone but my hubby) ever again. We are in such a weird state with our marriage right now. I'm not really liking it. I miss how my boyfriends used to make me feel so sexy. I have gained a few pounds (I'm about 128 and at 5-2, I need to be at least 120) so I'm not happy about that. I have gained a lot of muscle now that I'm boxing, so that's good. I look pretty toned and solid; I'm really hoping I'll get that sexy core that I see in pics of sexy female boxers. I love boxing; it makes me feel so strong and sexy and let me tell you, there ain't nothing like finding out your husband's cheated on you with three women to feel like shit about yourself. I have definitely lost my mojo. I feel like I'm really trying to put myself back together again, but there are pieces missing so I have to create a new me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
When I left my first husband (23 years ago after a brief marriage without kids) I never went through this whole "redefining myself" thing. I wanted out. It wasn't easy leaving him only because I was so used to clinging to someone for survival, even if they were abusing me because I didn't know how to be alone.
I did rather well rather quickly; it was so nice to not have to feel like everything I did was wrong for once in my life. I blossomed. I did change my name; but mostly because I was so disgusted that I allowed myself to be abused and was afraid he'd come after me. I also thought if I changed my name, I'd become someone else. I didn't really; it was actually hard to change my name and embarrassing cuz people were like, "okaaaaaay...."
So I've been this new name for 23 years now and sometimes it's still weird. BUT.....now I've got to reinvent myself again. I totally get it now when I read about celebrities "reinventing" themselves. I've done it before and now I've got to do it again. Because there comes a time when what you've been doing isn't working anymore, and big changes are what's needed to fix the problems.
I miss the sex with other guys. I miss Jake the most; he's touring with his band and I love knowing he's thinking of me. In my most narcissistic moments I read the words to his bands' songs and wonder if the ones about "missing the one that got away" I always secretly hope it's about me. I know he does a lot of the songwriting and it's exciting knowing that he absolutely crazy about me. Did I mention he is barely 19 years old???
Did you like the sexy pics of my men?? I miss them!!!! I miss my LA model/actor boy too....we did some nasty things together on Skype about a year ago and damn I wish I could've recorded it.....
Sigh. I just don't know where it's all headed.
Tarot anyone?
Friday, April 19, 2013
Sexual slump continues
Hello my dear readers! I haven't had much to write about these last few months so that explains the dry spell in posts. My hubby and I are working hard on our marriage. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this week and if y'all have been following my other blog you will remember that a year ago I screamed at him that I wanted a divorce and that "I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND". How far we've come.
We're doing pretty well. We had a nice long dinner out to celebrate our anniversary. It went amazingly well. He brought me a dozen red roses and wrote a beautiful letter to me. I wrote him a poem (I have a way with words LOL) and printed out a picture from our wedding day and framed it and decorated the frame. Somehow buying each other gifts didn't seem very appropriate.
We are closer but in a sexual slump. I don't know what's up with me. I'm just not in the mood. I do miss Jake badly lately and his attention is getting me riled up with excitement. Another hottie came out of the woodwork this week--a 22-year-old I "met" on Cougarlife but never hooked up with. That was fun flirting with him. I gotta figure out what's going on with me. My life is so crazy-busy there's no time to think. I try to meditate but I can't sit still.
Hope all is well with you hotties!
We're doing pretty well. We had a nice long dinner out to celebrate our anniversary. It went amazingly well. He brought me a dozen red roses and wrote a beautiful letter to me. I wrote him a poem (I have a way with words LOL) and printed out a picture from our wedding day and framed it and decorated the frame. Somehow buying each other gifts didn't seem very appropriate.
We are closer but in a sexual slump. I don't know what's up with me. I'm just not in the mood. I do miss Jake badly lately and his attention is getting me riled up with excitement. Another hottie came out of the woodwork this week--a 22-year-old I "met" on Cougarlife but never hooked up with. That was fun flirting with him. I gotta figure out what's going on with me. My life is so crazy-busy there's no time to think. I try to meditate but I can't sit still.
Hope all is well with you hotties!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Sexy pics for you!
Good morning dear lovlies! Have you enjoyed the pics of my sexy men I posted just for you??? Aren't they delicious???? Feel free to leave me your comments!! And NO you cannot have their phone numbers!!!!
I still don't know when we will get to hook up though unfortunately. My hubby and I are still riding the fucking rollercoaster of his infidelities, and although things are going well, it is still too tenous to add other guys sadly. I do miss my hotties, but they have to be an addition to my life, not a substitute for my hubby. And right now we have to get solid before we go back to swinging again.
We do both miss it. It's just harder now. I'd be ok if he never wanted to be with another female, but how fair is that?? It's not, but hey, I didn't ask to be cheated on so that wasn't fair to ME. I allowed him to have HER but he lied and cheated on me behind my back about her so HE IS THE ONE THAT FUCKED IT ALL UP.
I am working on me. We are talking more, counseling has been helping. I am trying to find my way. The cognitive dissonance of infidelity does SO much damage, if I can implore you all to be HONEST in every way with the significant other in your life. This whole notion of "trying to protect" them by withholding the truth only hurts worse when the truth finally comes out, and believe me, IT WILL COME OUT. It took 16 years for the truth of his first affair to come out, and it hurts worse and makes it that much harder to recover from. I look at him and wonder, "who the fuck is this person I've been married to all these years??" He's had this secret double life I had NO FUCKING IDEA about. Trying to rebuild trust is THAT much harder by his cowardice in not coming forward.
If you've cheated on your significant other, I beg you to come clean RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. They deserve to know. They deserve to be able to make their own choices and not have you manipulate them to stay with you. That is honestly the hardest part--I hate my husband for not giving me the opportunity to decide FOR MYSELF if I wanted to stay with a cheater. He manipulated me into staying for 16 years by withholding the truth from me. How can I ever forgive him for that?? And, in addition, I gave up my friends, my family, my life, my kids' friends and life, to move clear across the country for him. Yes, it's been a good move, but that is because THAT IS WHO I AM. I MAKE THE BEST OF IT. I have moved with him over 8 times during our marriage, and if I'd known he'd cheated on me maybe I'd have divorced him 16 years ago. Or three, after the second affair. HE CHEATED ME OUT OF MAKING CHOICES.
So I implore you to remember this quote from survivinginfidelity.com---"The truth hurts, but lies hurt more."
Enjoy you life by living authentically.
Go and be happy my sexy readers.
I still don't know when we will get to hook up though unfortunately. My hubby and I are still riding the fucking rollercoaster of his infidelities, and although things are going well, it is still too tenous to add other guys sadly. I do miss my hotties, but they have to be an addition to my life, not a substitute for my hubby. And right now we have to get solid before we go back to swinging again.
We do both miss it. It's just harder now. I'd be ok if he never wanted to be with another female, but how fair is that?? It's not, but hey, I didn't ask to be cheated on so that wasn't fair to ME. I allowed him to have HER but he lied and cheated on me behind my back about her so HE IS THE ONE THAT FUCKED IT ALL UP.
I am working on me. We are talking more, counseling has been helping. I am trying to find my way. The cognitive dissonance of infidelity does SO much damage, if I can implore you all to be HONEST in every way with the significant other in your life. This whole notion of "trying to protect" them by withholding the truth only hurts worse when the truth finally comes out, and believe me, IT WILL COME OUT. It took 16 years for the truth of his first affair to come out, and it hurts worse and makes it that much harder to recover from. I look at him and wonder, "who the fuck is this person I've been married to all these years??" He's had this secret double life I had NO FUCKING IDEA about. Trying to rebuild trust is THAT much harder by his cowardice in not coming forward.
If you've cheated on your significant other, I beg you to come clean RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. They deserve to know. They deserve to be able to make their own choices and not have you manipulate them to stay with you. That is honestly the hardest part--I hate my husband for not giving me the opportunity to decide FOR MYSELF if I wanted to stay with a cheater. He manipulated me into staying for 16 years by withholding the truth from me. How can I ever forgive him for that?? And, in addition, I gave up my friends, my family, my life, my kids' friends and life, to move clear across the country for him. Yes, it's been a good move, but that is because THAT IS WHO I AM. I MAKE THE BEST OF IT. I have moved with him over 8 times during our marriage, and if I'd known he'd cheated on me maybe I'd have divorced him 16 years ago. Or three, after the second affair. HE CHEATED ME OUT OF MAKING CHOICES.
So I implore you to remember this quote from survivinginfidelity.com---"The truth hurts, but lies hurt more."
Enjoy you life by living authentically.
Go and be happy my sexy readers.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Sexy skaterboy is back
Hello all my sexy readers! How are you all doing??? I am sure you are all having way more sex than I am these days. Yep, me and the hubby are still in a funk. It sucks. And it seems the cuties are coming out of the woodwork too.
I got a random "hey" text from someone I had forgotten; someone I haven't met but have previously exchanged lots of sexts from. I'll call him Damien. He is 26 and lives in Chicago and OMG what a hottie!! Cute skaterboy. Wears his ballcap sideways and his jeans low. I swear I should crop out his face and post his pic with his sexy body for you so you don't think I'm making this shit up.
I have gotten some more sexy pics from Jake as well. Two sexy Chicago boys and who knows when the fuck I'll ever hook up with them??? The whole "open marriage" thing is off the table right now and we can't even talk about it. My H is out of town for work and yeah, I could go and fuck these two hotties and not tell him like he did to me but I'm not that kind of person. So how is it he was...? It's maddening. No wonder we are stuck.
I miss my old life. I miss my sexy young hotties. I miss the way they made me feel. I can't in good conscience go and fuck them now. I deleted my Adult Friend Finder profile and my Cougarlife. They are GONE. I don't miss them...but I met both my Chicago boys on them so I know it was good for me there for awhile.
Sigh.
Enjoy the pics! Have a great day lovers.
Anna XOXOX
I got a random "hey" text from someone I had forgotten; someone I haven't met but have previously exchanged lots of sexts from. I'll call him Damien. He is 26 and lives in Chicago and OMG what a hottie!! Cute skaterboy. Wears his ballcap sideways and his jeans low. I swear I should crop out his face and post his pic with his sexy body for you so you don't think I'm making this shit up.
I have gotten some more sexy pics from Jake as well. Two sexy Chicago boys and who knows when the fuck I'll ever hook up with them??? The whole "open marriage" thing is off the table right now and we can't even talk about it. My H is out of town for work and yeah, I could go and fuck these two hotties and not tell him like he did to me but I'm not that kind of person. So how is it he was...? It's maddening. No wonder we are stuck.
I miss my old life. I miss my sexy young hotties. I miss the way they made me feel. I can't in good conscience go and fuck them now. I deleted my Adult Friend Finder profile and my Cougarlife. They are GONE. I don't miss them...but I met both my Chicago boys on them so I know it was good for me there for awhile.
Sigh.
Enjoy the pics! Have a great day lovers.
Anna XOXOX
Monday, February 18, 2013
Catching up
Hello all you sexy lovelies out there! I wish I had some sexy stories to share. Sadly, I have none. Well, Valentine's day was a bit naughty as I got a pic from Jake that literally made me drool. I should post it on here--I should crop his face out of it and post it. It's a pic of him with just a button-down shirt on, unbuttoned and open, facing a bathroom vanity, holding his (ahem) 10-inch dick in his left hand. Scrubboard stomach. Sexy and skinny. Makes me squirm in my panties just thinking about it! (he is now almost 20 years old....yes, I fucked him when he was just 18). And what a great fuck he was. Yum yum yummy, I really do hope my H and I get things squared away so we can have some fun soon. We are in this awful no-sex dry spell that is not getting any better.
And my Allen texted me a sweet Valentine's Day rose. Yay! That was so sweet ;)
Hubby surprised me with a card that was so sweet it made my son's GF cry when she read it. It was awesome. He also gave me a new Mickey and Minnie Mouse stuffed couple (my favorites!) and cooked me an amazing lobster dinner with raspberry champagne. It was so sweet. He is really trying.
But no sex. I've had bronchitis and a fever and he just let me sleep. I wanted sex anyways; he didn't. I had even showered and put on a bra and panty set he'd given me. Hmmm.
Weird that I still feel close to him. Guess that's good.
It's been so long now I'm finally starting to really miss it. That's a good thing. I hate dry spells, especially when they are because we are not getting along. He's on a business trip now and it's going ok. Hope I'm feeling better by the time he gets home so we can get our sexy on again. Him turning down sex? That's unusual. He said, "I'm not feeling sexy" and something about "how we related to each other sexually has changed." True. We are not involving other people right now. I'm not seeing anyone else and neither is he. Can we still be interested in each other???
I haven't heard a peep out of Mickey (not the mouse, the asshole) since that email July 31, 2012. I have stalked him and his GF online and he is completely off the map now. He has deleted me off his yahoo messenger, and he has deleted his facebook and every website he used to be on. He is completely offline. She isn't though, and I found a new website she's on that posts pics like Instagram but for iPhone users. It was hard seeing them; pics of him (only one of them together, in a canoe) but there's a pic of 5 red roses taken just 3 days ago, "from my sweet boyfriend". A pic taken from a text he'd sent her from his iPad. Little jokes between them. I shouldn't torture myself that way but I do. I do tell myself I'm better off without him and the truth is, I really don't miss him except once in a while. Guess today was that "once in a while" sort of day. Just curious how long he can keep this up.
I need to focus on ME and get my life together. I am living in the past and I'm stuck, stuck, stuck. My therapist says I'm still grieving the losses; I think he's right. I'm sick of dealing with the aftershocks of his infidelity. If I choose to stay with him, which I have, I have to continue to deal with it. Some days are easier than others.
Sigh.
Nighty night friends. Hope you all are having lots of honest, protected sex! NO LIES!! NO CHEATING!!!
And my Allen texted me a sweet Valentine's Day rose. Yay! That was so sweet ;)
Hubby surprised me with a card that was so sweet it made my son's GF cry when she read it. It was awesome. He also gave me a new Mickey and Minnie Mouse stuffed couple (my favorites!) and cooked me an amazing lobster dinner with raspberry champagne. It was so sweet. He is really trying.
But no sex. I've had bronchitis and a fever and he just let me sleep. I wanted sex anyways; he didn't. I had even showered and put on a bra and panty set he'd given me. Hmmm.
Weird that I still feel close to him. Guess that's good.
It's been so long now I'm finally starting to really miss it. That's a good thing. I hate dry spells, especially when they are because we are not getting along. He's on a business trip now and it's going ok. Hope I'm feeling better by the time he gets home so we can get our sexy on again. Him turning down sex? That's unusual. He said, "I'm not feeling sexy" and something about "how we related to each other sexually has changed." True. We are not involving other people right now. I'm not seeing anyone else and neither is he. Can we still be interested in each other???
I haven't heard a peep out of Mickey (not the mouse, the asshole) since that email July 31, 2012. I have stalked him and his GF online and he is completely off the map now. He has deleted me off his yahoo messenger, and he has deleted his facebook and every website he used to be on. He is completely offline. She isn't though, and I found a new website she's on that posts pics like Instagram but for iPhone users. It was hard seeing them; pics of him (only one of them together, in a canoe) but there's a pic of 5 red roses taken just 3 days ago, "from my sweet boyfriend". A pic taken from a text he'd sent her from his iPad. Little jokes between them. I shouldn't torture myself that way but I do. I do tell myself I'm better off without him and the truth is, I really don't miss him except once in a while. Guess today was that "once in a while" sort of day. Just curious how long he can keep this up.
I need to focus on ME and get my life together. I am living in the past and I'm stuck, stuck, stuck. My therapist says I'm still grieving the losses; I think he's right. I'm sick of dealing with the aftershocks of his infidelity. If I choose to stay with him, which I have, I have to continue to deal with it. Some days are easier than others.
Sigh.
Nighty night friends. Hope you all are having lots of honest, protected sex! NO LIES!! NO CHEATING!!!
Labels:
Allen,
asshole,
Jake,
sex,
threesomes
Friday, January 11, 2013
Jake's back!
Totally out of the blue and back in my life. Jake texts me every day. Sends me sexy pics and cute face and full body pics (in clothes). I feel like I'm his girlfriend. He says the sweetest things. He is amazing. We had a date for tonight--he said since I drove to Chicago to see him the last two times he'd drive here to see me. This is what he said: "I will absolutely drive out to you baby. You drove here twice for me. You can bring your hubby if you like." WOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But hubby and me had a bad night last night. Read the other blog if you want details. Suffice it to say, I cancelled my date with Jake and just told him I had to work late (partially true). I re-read what I'd written about our first night together just now and I really hope we can get together soon.
BTW did I mention my H found a girl he wants to have sex with (threesome) on AFF? She's really adorable. I may really be ok with this.
But hubby and me had a bad night last night. Read the other blog if you want details. Suffice it to say, I cancelled my date with Jake and just told him I had to work late (partially true). I re-read what I'd written about our first night together just now and I really hope we can get together soon.
BTW did I mention my H found a girl he wants to have sex with (threesome) on AFF? She's really adorable. I may really be ok with this.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Pointing out the obvious
This post is in response to Anonymous' scathing attack on me and my blog. Ordinarily I'd just ignore it but I thought it a good idea to point out the similarities and differences between cancer survivors and infidelity survivors. Now, this is not an academic piece. I did not spend hours getting stats and evidence to support my opinions. These are based solely on my own experience, and like I mentioned before, my BFF who I will go into detail a little bit more.
She (I'll call her Betty) is 52. She was born in Indonesia and came to America as a toddler. She married at 18 and had cervical cancer at age 21 and was told she could never have children. Surprisingly she found herself pregnant with identical twin girls at age 34. She seemed to have an almost idyllic life. We were best friends; I was also pregnant with my first child soon after and we lived less than a mile from each other. Our husbands travelled with their jobs and we spent all our time together, helping each other raise our kids. She basically raised the twins alone as her husband was gone so much.
Fast forward to five years ago. The twins were now 14 years old and Betty and her husband had been married thirty years. She had moved many times for his job and started over. The owned their business together and she was very involved in the company. She wasn't completely happy over the timespan but she is a very religious Christian and believes in staying married and working things out. A routine mammogram showed her to have stage 4 breast cancer in her right breast. She started chemotherapy to try to reduce the tumor to save her breast. Two days after her first chemo treatment, her husband said, "I'm outta here", and moved in with his administrative assistant. Yes, this "woman" she considered to be her friend and co-worker was fucking her husband.
HE LEFT HER WHILE SHE WAS UNDERGOING CHEMO. AFTER 30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE. Not only that, but her daughters went to live with him and never returned to her. They are 19 now. He has turned them against her. He actually told them she had "fake cancer" just to manipulate him into giving her money (alimony).
Long long story short, she is now a 5-year cancer-free survivor. She has a cute one-bedroom apartment in California 3 miles from the beach and has an awesome job and boyfriend. She has turned her life around 1000% percent. I have been through hell and back with her and she with me. She is the one who made the parallel between cancer and infidelity since she has gone through both!! She discovered her husband had been cheating on her with her co-worker for more than a year prior to getting cancer. She also was able to find evidence of cheating that went back 10-15 years.
In my experience (and through the friendship with Betty) here are a few of the similarities between cancer and infidelity:
1. You never forget the day you found out.
2. The date, the time of day, that moment is etched in your brain and heart forever and on its anniversary, you re-live the pain all over again. Forever.
3. You didn't ask for cancer or to be betrayed. You did nothing to cause it.
4. You know in your head it's not your fault but you can't help but feel you did something to cause it. (My friend thinks all the Diet Cokes she drank to stay thin caused her cancer and I think if I had been a better wife/paid closer attention/fill-in-the-blank he wouldn't have cheated).
5. We get PTSD from the trauma.
6. We get depressed. We withdraw from others to cope.
7. We believe we will die every day as we try to recover.
8. The triggers are everywhere. When you are having a good day, there's always a trigger to set you back. Betty tells me she hates the month of October with all the "breast cancer awareness" everywhere. She can't escape the horror and is reminded constantly, and of course, feels badly about it because at least people care and are trying to raise money for something she has suffered from. With infidelity, the triggers are everywhere as well. Our traumas often happened in our homes. Movies glorify affairs. Sometimes, the person who betrayed us leaves us and we are continually traumatized.
9. We feel so differently about ourselves. We lose self-esteem.
10. We are never really "cured". We can't stop looking over our shoulders for it to happen again.
11. It changes us forever. We talk about our lives as "BC"--before cancer and "BI"--before "it" (infidelity).
12. The pain is excruciating.
13. We either die or get better.
Differences:
1. With infidelity, our scars can't be seen. With cancer, they can. Betty had a bilateral breast removal.
2. With cancer, you tell everyone. Everyone sympathizes. No one brings soup to an infidelity survivor. We cope alone.
3. There are no fund raisers for victims of infidelity.
4. Chemo causes hair loss. I didn't lose my hair. Huge difference.
5. Admitting we are vicitms of infidelity is shameful. Admitting you have cancer isn't.
6. No one would ever accuse a cancer victim of being "self-indulgent" and "narcissitic".
Again, this is not all-inclusive. Again, this is not an academic piece. This is based on my own experiences and that of my friend Betty who's dealt with both. As you can see, off the top of my head, I came up with half as many differences as similarities.
My point Mr. Anonymous (I'm assuming you are a male now, because I can't imagine a female with that kind of hatred and apathy) is that you have not displayed any kind of experience that validates your venom. If I am wrong, and either cancer or infidelity has touched you PERSONALLY, I encourage you to share your experiences with us here so we can better understand your position. If not, I encourage you to keep your mouth shut.
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