Does anyone believe in "happily ever after" anymore??

Good morning sexies!

My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.

Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity??? 

I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.

In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.

I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.

I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.

I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.

Love you all, gotta run. 

Anna 
XOXO

Monogamy sucks!

Jeez has it really been three months since I've written a post here? God I'm so sorry my sexy friends. My life really hasn't been very exciting in so long and I have always been 100% honest on here. I'm not going to start making shit up just so I have something to post. If it ain't happening, I'm not writing about it. Sad. It sucks.

My sexy boyfriend Allen still texts me from time to time. He's amazing. He refuses to date anyone but me, and I'm SO off the radar right now. I don't know if I'll ever have sex with him (or anyone but my hubby) ever again. We are in such a weird state with our marriage right now. I'm not really liking it. I miss how my boyfriends used to make me feel so sexy. I have gained a few pounds (I'm about 128 and at 5-2, I need to be at least 120) so I'm not happy about that. I have gained a lot of muscle now that I'm boxing, so that's good. I look pretty toned and solid; I'm really hoping I'll get that sexy core that I see in pics of sexy female boxers. I love boxing; it makes me feel so strong and sexy and let me tell you, there ain't nothing like finding out your husband's cheated on you with three women to feel like shit about yourself. I have definitely lost my mojo. I feel like I'm really trying to put myself back together again, but there are pieces missing so I have to create a new me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

When I left my first husband (23 years ago after a brief marriage without kids) I never went through this whole "redefining myself" thing. I wanted out. It wasn't easy leaving him only because I was so used to clinging to someone for survival, even if they were abusing me because I didn't know how to be alone.
I did rather well rather quickly; it was so nice to not have to feel like everything I did was wrong for once in my life. I blossomed. I did change my name; but mostly because I was so disgusted that I allowed myself to be abused and was afraid he'd come after me. I also thought if I changed my name, I'd become someone else. I didn't really; it was actually hard to change my name and embarrassing cuz people were like, "okaaaaaay...."

So I've been this new name for 23 years now and sometimes it's still weird. BUT.....now I've got to reinvent myself again. I totally get it now when I read about celebrities "reinventing" themselves. I've done it before and now I've got to do it again. Because there comes a time when what you've been doing isn't working anymore, and big changes are what's needed to fix the problems. 

I miss the sex with other guys. I miss Jake the most; he's touring with his band and I love knowing he's thinking of me. In my most narcissistic moments I read the words to his bands' songs and wonder if the ones about "missing the one that got away" I always secretly hope it's about me. I know he does a lot of the songwriting and it's exciting knowing that he absolutely crazy about me. Did I mention he is barely 19 years old???

Did you like the sexy pics of my men?? I miss them!!!! I miss my LA model/actor boy too....we did some nasty things together on Skype about a year ago and damn I wish I could've recorded it.....

Sigh. I just don't know where it's all headed.

Tarot anyone?

Sexual slump continues

Hello my dear readers! I haven't had much to write about these last few months so that explains the dry spell in posts. My hubby and I are working hard on our marriage. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this week and if y'all have been following my other blog you will remember that a year ago I screamed at him that I wanted a divorce and that "I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND". How far we've come.

We're doing pretty well. We had a nice long dinner out to celebrate our anniversary. It went amazingly well. He brought me a dozen red roses and wrote a beautiful letter to me. I wrote him a poem (I have a way with words LOL) and printed out a picture from our wedding day and framed it and decorated the frame. Somehow buying each other gifts didn't seem very appropriate.

We are closer but in a sexual slump. I don't know what's up with me. I'm just not in the mood. I do miss Jake badly lately and his attention is getting me riled up with excitement. Another hottie came out of the woodwork this week--a 22-year-old I "met" on Cougarlife but never hooked up with. That was fun flirting with him. I gotta figure out what's going on with me. My life is so crazy-busy there's no time to think. I try to meditate but I can't sit still.

Hope all is well with you hotties!

Sexy pics for you!

Good morning dear lovlies! Have you enjoyed the pics of my sexy men I posted just for you??? Aren't they delicious???? Feel free to leave me your comments!! And NO you cannot have their phone numbers!!!!

I still don't know when we will get to hook up though unfortunately. My hubby and I are still riding the fucking rollercoaster of his infidelities, and although things are going well, it is still too tenous to add other guys sadly. I do miss my hotties, but they have to be an addition to my life, not a substitute for my hubby. And right now we have to get solid before we go back to swinging again.

We do both miss it. It's just harder now. I'd be ok if he never wanted to be with another female, but how fair is that?? It's not, but hey, I didn't ask to be cheated on so that wasn't fair to ME. I allowed him to have HER but he lied and cheated on me behind my back about her so HE IS THE ONE THAT FUCKED IT ALL UP. 

I am working on me. We are talking more, counseling has been helping. I am trying to find my way. The cognitive dissonance of infidelity does SO much damage, if I can implore you all to be HONEST in every way with the significant other in your life. This whole notion of "trying to protect" them by withholding the truth only hurts worse when the truth finally comes out, and believe me, IT WILL COME OUT. It took 16 years for the truth of his first affair to come out, and it hurts worse and makes it that much harder to recover from. I look at him and wonder, "who the fuck is this person I've been married to all these years??" He's had this secret double life I had NO FUCKING IDEA about. Trying to rebuild trust is THAT much harder by his cowardice in not coming forward. 

If you've cheated on your significant other, I beg you to come clean RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. They deserve to know. They deserve to be able to make their own choices and not have you manipulate them to stay with you. That is honestly the hardest part--I hate my husband for not giving me the opportunity to decide  FOR MYSELF if I wanted to stay with a cheater. He manipulated me into staying for 16 years by withholding the truth from me. How can I ever forgive him for that?? And, in addition, I gave up my friends, my family, my life, my kids' friends and life, to move clear across the country for him. Yes, it's been a good move, but that is because THAT IS WHO I AM. I MAKE THE BEST OF IT. I have moved with him over 8 times during our marriage, and if I'd known he'd cheated on me maybe I'd have divorced him 16 years ago. Or three, after the second affair. HE CHEATED ME OUT OF MAKING CHOICES.

So I implore you to remember this quote from survivinginfidelity.com---"The truth hurts, but lies hurt more."

Enjoy you life by living authentically.

Go and be happy my sexy readers.

Sexy skaterboy is back

Hello all my sexy readers! How are you all doing??? I am sure you are all having way more sex than I am these days. Yep, me and the hubby are still in a funk. It sucks. And it seems the cuties are coming out of the woodwork too. 

I got a random "hey" text from someone I had forgotten; someone I haven't met but have previously exchanged lots of sexts from. I'll call him Damien. He is 26 and lives in Chicago and OMG what a hottie!! Cute skaterboy. Wears his ballcap sideways and his jeans low. I swear I should crop out his face and post his pic with his sexy body for you so you don't think I'm making this shit up.

I have gotten some more sexy pics from Jake as well. Two sexy Chicago boys and who knows when the fuck I'll ever hook up with them??? The whole "open marriage" thing is off the table right now and we can't even talk about it. My H is out of town for work and yeah, I could go and fuck these two hotties and not tell him like he did to me but I'm not that kind of person. So how is it he was...? It's maddening. No wonder we are stuck.

I miss my old life. I miss my sexy young hotties. I miss the way they made me feel. I can't in good conscience go and fuck them now. I deleted my Adult Friend Finder profile and my Cougarlife. They are GONE. I don't miss them...but I met both my Chicago boys on them so I know it was good for me there for awhile.

Sigh.

Enjoy the pics! Have a great day lovers.

Anna XOXOX

Catching up

Hello all you sexy lovelies out there! I wish I had some sexy stories to share. Sadly, I have none. Well, Valentine's day was a bit naughty as I got a pic from Jake that literally made me drool. I should post it on here--I should crop his face out of it and post it. It's a pic of him with just a button-down shirt on, unbuttoned and open, facing a bathroom vanity, holding his (ahem) 10-inch dick in his left hand. Scrubboard stomach. Sexy and skinny. Makes me squirm in my panties just thinking about it! (he is now almost 20 years old....yes, I fucked him when he was just 18). And what a great fuck he was. Yum yum yummy, I really do hope my H and I get things squared away so we can have some fun soon. We are in this awful no-sex dry spell that is not getting any better.

And my Allen texted me a sweet Valentine's Day rose. Yay! That was so sweet ;)

Hubby surprised me with a card that was so sweet it made my son's GF cry when she read it. It was awesome. He also gave me a new Mickey and Minnie Mouse stuffed couple (my favorites!) and cooked me an amazing lobster dinner with raspberry champagne. It was so sweet. He is really trying.

But no sex. I've had bronchitis and a fever and he just let me sleep. I wanted sex anyways; he didn't. I had even showered and put on a bra and panty set he'd given me.  Hmmm.

Weird that I still feel close to him. Guess that's good.

It's been so long now I'm finally starting to really miss it. That's a good thing. I hate dry spells, especially when they are because we are not getting along. He's on a business trip now and it's going ok. Hope I'm feeling better by the time he gets home so we can get our sexy on again. Him turning down sex? That's unusual. He said, "I'm not feeling sexy" and something about "how we related to each other sexually has changed." True. We are not involving other people right now. I'm not seeing anyone else and neither is he. Can we still be interested in each other???

I haven't heard a peep out of Mickey (not the mouse, the asshole) since that email July 31, 2012. I have stalked him and his GF online and he is completely off the map now. He has deleted me off his yahoo messenger, and he has deleted his facebook and every website he used to be on. He is completely offline. She isn't though, and I found a new website she's on that posts pics like Instagram but for iPhone users. It was hard seeing them; pics of him (only one of them together, in a canoe) but there's a pic of 5 red roses taken just 3 days ago, "from my sweet boyfriend". A pic taken from a text he'd sent her from his iPad. Little jokes between them. I shouldn't torture myself that way but I do. I do tell myself I'm better off without him and the truth is, I really don't miss him except once in a while. Guess today was that "once in a while" sort of day. Just curious how long he can keep this up.

I need to focus on ME and get my life together. I am living in the past and I'm stuck, stuck, stuck. My therapist says I'm still grieving the losses; I think he's right.  I'm sick of dealing with the aftershocks of his infidelity. If I choose to stay with him, which I have, I have to continue to deal with it. Some days are easier than others.

Sigh.

Nighty night friends. Hope you all are having lots of honest, protected sex! NO LIES!! NO CHEATING!!!

Jake's back!

Totally out of the blue and back in my life. Jake texts me every day. Sends me sexy pics and cute face and full body pics (in clothes). I feel like I'm his girlfriend. He says the sweetest things. He is amazing. We had a date for tonight--he said since I drove to Chicago to see him the last two times he'd drive here to see me. This is what he said: "I will absolutely drive out to you baby. You drove here twice for me. You can bring your hubby if you like." WOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But hubby and me had a bad night last night. Read the other blog if you want details. Suffice it to say, I cancelled my date with Jake and just told him I had to work late (partially true). I re-read what I'd written about our first night together just now and I really hope we can get together soon.

BTW did I mention my H found a girl he wants to have sex with (threesome) on AFF? She's really adorable. I may really be ok with this.

Pointing out the obvious

This post is in response to Anonymous' scathing attack on me and my blog. Ordinarily I'd just ignore it but I thought it a good idea to point out the similarities and differences between cancer survivors and infidelity survivors. Now, this is not an academic piece. I did not spend hours getting stats and evidence to support my opinions. These are based solely on my own experience, and like I mentioned before, my BFF who I will go into detail a little bit more.

She (I'll call her Betty) is 52. She was born in Indonesia and came to America as a toddler. She married at 18 and had cervical cancer at age 21 and was told she could never have children. Surprisingly she found herself pregnant with identical twin girls at age 34. She seemed to have an almost idyllic life. We were best friends; I was also pregnant with my first child soon after and we lived less than a mile from each other. Our husbands travelled with their jobs and we spent all our time together, helping each other raise our kids. She basically raised the twins alone as her husband was gone so much. 

Fast forward to five years ago. The twins were now 14 years old and Betty and her husband had been married thirty years. She had moved many times for his job and started over. The owned their business together and she was very involved in the company. She wasn't completely happy over the timespan but she is a very religious Christian and believes in staying married and working things out. A routine mammogram showed her to have stage 4 breast cancer in her right breast. She started chemotherapy to try to reduce the tumor to save her breast. Two days after her first chemo treatment, her husband said, "I'm outta here", and moved in with his administrative assistant. Yes, this "woman" she considered to be her friend and co-worker was fucking her husband. 

HE LEFT HER WHILE SHE WAS UNDERGOING CHEMO. AFTER 30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE. Not only that, but her daughters went to live with him and never returned to her. They are 19 now. He has turned them against her. He actually told them she had "fake cancer" just to manipulate him into giving her money (alimony).

Long long story short, she is now a 5-year cancer-free survivor. She has a cute one-bedroom apartment in California 3 miles from the beach and has an awesome job and boyfriend. She has turned her life around 1000% percent. I have been through hell and back with her and she with me. She is the one who made the parallel between cancer and infidelity since she has gone through both!! She discovered her husband had been cheating on her with her co-worker for more than a year prior to getting cancer. She also was able to find evidence of cheating that went back 10-15 years. 

In my experience (and through the friendship with Betty) here are a few of the similarities between cancer and infidelity:

1. You never forget the day you found out.

2. The date, the time of day, that moment is etched in your brain and heart forever and on its anniversary, you re-live the pain all over again. Forever.

3. You didn't ask for cancer or to be betrayed. You did nothing to cause it.

4. You know in your head it's not your fault but you can't  help but feel you did something to cause it. (My friend thinks all the Diet Cokes she drank to stay thin caused her cancer and I think if I had been a better wife/paid closer attention/fill-in-the-blank he wouldn't have cheated).

5. We get PTSD from the trauma. 

6. We get depressed. We withdraw from others to cope.

7. We believe we will die every day as we try to recover.

8. The triggers are everywhere. When you are having a good day, there's always a trigger to set you back. Betty tells me she hates the month of October with all the "breast cancer awareness" everywhere. She can't escape the horror and is reminded constantly, and of course, feels badly about it because at least people care and are trying to raise money for something she has suffered from. With infidelity, the triggers are everywhere as well. Our traumas often happened in our homes. Movies glorify affairs. Sometimes, the person who betrayed us leaves us and we are continually traumatized.

9. We feel so differently about ourselves. We lose self-esteem.

10. We are never really "cured". We can't stop looking over our shoulders for it to happen again.

11. It changes us forever. We talk about our lives as "BC"--before cancer and "BI"--before "it" (infidelity).

12. The pain is excruciating. 

13. We either die or get better. 

Differences:

1. With infidelity, our scars can't be seen. With cancer, they can. Betty had a bilateral breast removal.

2. With cancer, you tell everyone. Everyone sympathizes. No one brings soup to an infidelity survivor. We cope alone.

3. There are no fund raisers for victims of infidelity.

4. Chemo causes hair loss. I didn't lose my hair. Huge difference.

5. Admitting we are vicitms of infidelity is shameful. Admitting you have cancer isn't.

6. No one would ever accuse a cancer victim of being "self-indulgent" and "narcissitic".

Again, this is not all-inclusive. Again, this is not an academic piece. This is based on my own experiences and that of my friend Betty who's dealt with both. As you can see, off the top of my head, I came up with half as many differences as similarities. 

My point Mr. Anonymous (I'm assuming you are a male now, because I can't imagine a female with that kind of hatred and apathy) is that you have not displayed any kind of experience that validates your venom. If I am wrong, and either cancer or infidelity has touched you PERSONALLY, I encourage you to share your experiences with us here so we can better understand your position. If not, I encourage you to keep your mouth shut.

Random shit

I made a realization yesterday writing a new post for my other blog. I realized that THIS blog is written FOR YOU DEAR READERS. It has always been for YOU. My other blog has been only for ME, up until the first reader started commenting on my posts and how much I was helping her. We live thousands of miles away from each other and sadly will most likely never meet, but we have become close friends. Going through the trauma of infidelity has bonded us forever, and we help and support each other. I'll bet it's akin to the bond cancer survivors have with one another; thankfully I wouldn't know first-hand but my BFF is a 5-year breast cancer survivor and I see how she instantly bonds with other cancer survivors. The biggest differences between cancer survivors and infidelity survivors are first of all, they aren't ashamed to tell the whole world their triumphant story of survival. We are. I am extremely careful deciding who I can tell and who I can't. It is extremely shameful and social support for infidelity survivors is next to nill. Are there any fundraisers to help prevent infidelity? Hmmm, um, NO. Do you see a color devoted to the prevention and support of those affected by infidelity?? Again, no. 5K runs? T-shirts? No. But yet there is much in common between those affected by cancer and those affected by a spouse or significant other's infidelity.

Sorry to digress. My point is that in sharing our pain, not just our happiness, we bond with others. I have bonded more with you over my pain than the fun sex I'd been having. I am certain that the moment a person hears her doctor say, "It's cancer" has the same devastating effect as when infidelity is discovered or revealed. My BFF and I discuss it at length and she agrees it is equally devastating, or more so with infidelity. Sadly, she has suffered both, so she has become an unwitting expert on both topics.

I realized that the purpose of this blog has always been to entertain, and my other blog was to help myself heal. I didn't expect anyone else to ever read it; it has helped me keep my sanity and get to where I am now. I have always been aware that my lifestyle is titillating and secretive, and that's what made it so fun to write and share the details with you. I had no idea the sex stories about me and certain females were actually skanks that my husband had had affairs with. Discovering this nearly sent me to the loony bin. Naturally, I deleted those posts. I was physically ill just doing so. I was forced to look at the words I'd written, the sex I'd had with them, and the way my husband had lied and manipulated me into doing so. It was more than I could bear.

The so-called "anti-versary" of D-Day #1 is coming up in a few weeks. Just four days shy of my birthday. I have dreaded this day and the other D-day anti-versaries coming up. I had told my H (husband) that I was planning on going back to California and seeing my BFF to get through it. He has begged me not to. He said he'll take the day off to be with me. He said that even though it's not a day to celebrate, in a way it is to HIM, because we are still together, and he is eternally grateful to me for giving him a second chance. I have decided I will not go to California to run away from it.

We have been getting along very very well. I have gone on a half-dosage of my PTSD meds (Setraline, 25 mg from 50 mg) and although I haven't lost a pound, I am very relieved my obsessiveness hasn't returned like it did the first time I tried to reduce the dosage.

With a new year now, like most people, I always make resolutions, and I can never stick with them. I have found out that I probably have adult ADHD and am going in for testing next week! It explains so much about me that I don't like about myself and have been unable to fix my whole life. I stumbled across information about it just going online and pun intended, was distracted by a byline about "adult ADHD" and clicked on it. Like a huge fucking lightbulb going off!!! So just knowing this is probably true about me, I am instantly being more kind and compassionate with myself. Just cleaning my house, my desk, the laundry, it is all overwhelming to me and now I know why!! So I am doing so much better and feeling better about myself.

If you've read this far, you will be happy to read that this post does have sex in it!! YAY!!!

I have spent a lot of time with my BF Allen lately. Did I mention he is gorgeous???? And he's 27 years old!!!! About 6-2, long straight blonde hair (about chin length), blue eyes, sexy body. And he seems to like me. We just had our one-year anniversary! And remember, for about 6 months of it, we had nothing to do with each other because of the separation and problems with my marriage. He waited for me! Actually saw no one else the whole time. He came to the last 2 band performances we did. New Year's Even he rode in my car with me and stayed the entire show! He helped carry in equipment and we also got drunk together in between sets. He is a doll. He came home with me and we had a short but fun romp in the guest room bed, where my hubby secretly watched from the doorway without him knowing. It was awesome! But the problem is, he didn't cum, and neither did I. Once again, no orgasms. WTF???? He does have a smallish cock but it used to cum just nicely so I don't know what's going on. I am getting bored and annoyed and looking for a new boytoy.

I am off to therapy, and no, I have not told my therapist about my seeing another guy. He is of the clear mind that neither my H nor I are healthy enough or stable enough to handle having other people in our marriage and he is probably right, and I don't want to hear it. I know that's bad, but believe it or not, I'm fucked up enough in so many other ways, we have PLENTY to talk about and work on that has nothing to do with fucking other guys.

(A private note to "Anonymous" here--I didn't get to respond the way I wanted to, but just know that I agree with you now about anger and the one-year mark. I will write to you soon.)

I hope everyone reading this has a great year, and you can do that by BEING HONEST with yourself and everyone around you ALL THE TIME. Secrets kill. Live honestly or die in your lies, but don't make anyone else suffer for your sins.

Goodbye 2012, it was the shittiest year of my life. Here's hoping 2013 continues to be better.

Life after the affairs

Hello my sexy friends! I am back. I want to thank Anonymous (whoever you are!! LOL) for your message to me yesterday wanting to know how I'm doing. I can't tell you how much I appreciated that. Yes, this blog has grown cobwebs as my hubby and I are still working very hard on our marriage with the fallout of my discovery of 16 years of lies, cheating, and manipulation. I have been to hell and let me tell you, if I can survive this, there isn't anything I can't do now. I have grown stronger but the anger monster within me is like a fire-breathing dragon that is ready to pounce at any given moment. Reconciling a marriage after affairs is not for the faint of heart. I always thought women who stayed with men who cheated on them were the weakest creatures on the planet. Afraid of their own shadows. I always assumed women who stayed with men who cheated were women who had no self-respect and were more concerned with giving up their cozy lifestyle than have the guts to leave and stand on their own two feet.

How wrong I was.

In the ten months since I discovered my husband's cheating, I have come to realize that staying is much much harder than leaving. Oh, let me tell you, many times I've wanted to throw him out, or run, run, run and never look back. Why have I stayed?? Believe it or not, I still love him. I am still in love with him. Even though he's destroyed me to my core. 

I have had no experience with being cheated on. Some women (and men) have a painful history of lovers who were chronic liars, but I have been lucky. Previously to being married to my husband, I was the one who always wanted out. I cheated on my first husband. Yes, I told him the very next morning, and moved out right after. I did not keep it a secret from him for 16 years and cheat more with more men. So I have a perspective about my H (husband) and cheating that makes it harder to forgive.

When an affair (or several) are discovered by the betrayed spouse, your world collapses. I can't, and won't, even go into how devastated you are. It is simplistic to say that you will never be the same. But it is true. I will never be the woman I was. I have had to re-write the last 16 years of my life. It is not what I thought it was. My H had a one-night-stand after the birth of our first child and kept it from me for 16 years. Didn't use a condom. Insists she didn't get pregnant. A drunken mistake. He insists he was faithful for the next 14 years and planned on taking that to his grave. Well, he never dealt with it, never told me, and so it came back to haunt him. 

He had yet another one-night-stand two years ago, and never told me. Just "buried it" so he didn't have to deal with it. Never once did he think, "oh fuck, here I go again! I said I wouldn't do that ever again and I just did!!" Oh no. He just "buried" it (whatever the fuck that means) and carried on like nothing happened. Came home to me after not using condoms yet again. Another drunken mistake not dealt with.

At this point, we are 6 years into an open marriage and he brings home slut #2 to our home and bed. I befriend her. She disappears eventually and he sighs relief. I am none the wiser. Then a few months later (April 2011) the first skank from 16 years ago finds him on Facebook and what does he do???? He is so fucking stupid!! Instead of thinking, WTF??? I'VE BEEN RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN AND THIS MISTAKE FOR THE LAST 16 YEARS OMG IM NOT TOUCHING HER WITH A TEN-FOOT POLE. But alas, no, he is happy to hear from her and in a blaze of "nostalgia" (his words) they reconnect and the rest they say is history. He risked 20 years of marriage, our children's health and well-being, my health, our finances, for the validation from someone he claims he never loved. 

He lies about how he knows her. I buy the lie because why wouldn't I? I encourage the texting because I'm busy having my fun with Mickey and other guys. He buys her a plane ticket and brings her out here to our home, our bed, my body. I take her to my work. I teach her to play tennis. I make out with her in front of my boss at a bar. She hangs out with my children. I have sex with her. While he's at work, I pour my heart out to her and spend lavishly on her because I know she's important to my hubby, just like Mickey is important to me. That is called the give-and-take of an open marriage. After three days here, he and I are fighting so much and not even having sex with each other. I ask him to make her leave. He convinces me to let her stay. She was here 10 days. What did I do then?? I tried even harder.

I was extremely jealous. I spent hours talking to my girlfriend about my jealousy. I knew he deserved to have her and be with her just like I had my Mickey. And you know what??? By the end of her stay, which by the way, I had to initiate cuz the bitch had no reason to leave and my H didn't want her to go----I had gotten over my jealousy. On Saturday, I had to get up and go to work. We'd had a threesome with her and she was still in bed with us. I actually left them alone together in our bed and told him whatever happened was ok with me and I left. I didn't think about it much while at work and I was so happy with my progress. He started texting me about a half hour after I got to work that "nothing happened. She got up and took a shower." And that is the lie he continued to tell me for 8 months after I asked at least 10 times, "Really??? Nothing happened??? I left you guys alone in bed and you didn't fuck her???" and he lied and said no. She got up right after I left and showered.

What an asshole. He DID fuck her the minute I left. And lied about it for 8 months.

You know why he lied, right??? Cuz he had fucked her 16 years ago and brought her back into my life without my knowledge. She had no right being in my house let alone my bed and my body. And it was the second time he had done that to me.

His web of lies came to a crashing halt January 30, 2011 when I found private facebook emails between the two of them declaring their love for one another. Long story short, there were two other women he was hiding at that time and it took me another 3 months to discover them. I kicked him out of our bedroom and I told him I wanted a divorce. My therapist insisted I give it six months of therapy before I did anything. 

We are ten months out, and we are in a great place. I'm sure reading this you are ready to stab him in the eyes yourself, but one thing about my H you need to know is, he is a changed man. Three therapists and couples counseling for the last ten months he has become the husband I always thought he was. He immediately stopped all contact with the other women and is eternally grateful for the gift of a second chance I have given him. He earns my love back every day. He was a very broken man with a lot of secrets that were destroying him. He thought about suicide daily in those early weeks and so did I. The pain of betrayal is so painful for both sides. It is hard to understand and believe I feel badly for him but I do. I have come a long way in understanding how broken he really was. 

He has vowed to earn back my trust every single day of his life and he is doing so. He tells me every day how sorry he is and shows me that he is sorry. He said he will regret to his dying day how he hurt me. He knows that I will never look at him the same way or feel the same way about him. The damage is done. Yes, we can stay together and be happy because we are both choosing to be together. I am not a Pollyanna and I am not "rug-sweeping". I know what he's done. I am devastated that he was capable of being such a narcissitic asshole. I have seen the transformation over these months and yeah, time will tell. I am taking it one day at a time. If he chooses to betray me again, I am not the fool. He will be. He knows one step out of line and I WILL divorce him. This is his last and only second chance. No thirds. 

The open marriage is talked and fought about daily. I don't know what will happen. I liked getting over my jealousy but he fucked it up. I don't know that I can ever be ok with him being with another woman now. He's still ok with me being with other guys, and frankly, I haven't ever lied to him so why should I give them up? He gets that. I just don't know if it's a good idea. So we keep talking.

We have twenty years plus together. We have two kids. We are in a band together. We have thousands of happy memories together, and yes, despite the pain, I still love him. For better or worse. I've been through worse. I'm holding out for better.

I am releasing the info for my other blog if you want to read it. It has been my lifeline to my sanity. 

www.inflictedandconflicted.blogspot.com

I welcome all your comments. Thank you for caring about me. I love you all.

Anna
XOXO

Moving on without Mickey

Looks like B may finally get his threesome with me and my hubby! We have 2 nights at the Chateau Marmont reserved for late October! If you know anything about Hollywood, you know that this is THE place to be! B lives on Mulholland Drive, which is just a short jaunt from there. We have been texting and I sent him pics of me and my hubby (naked ones too!) and he thinks we are both "sooooooooooo cute!!!" yay! (remember how we found him? We had placed a Craigslist ad in LA for a single guy for a threesome with us. He responded and although it didn't work out that night, he was clearly interested! I can't wait!

I opened my mailbox yesterday and there was a catalog for a well-known clothing store, and yep, there he was, B in several pics!!! It was an ad for teen clothes and yeah, he's 27 but obviously can pass for a teen! He had his usual 5 day shadow LOL and his long, wavy brown hair and big brown eyes and looked adorable and sexy. I took pics of the catalog and texted them to him and told him, "You were in my mailbox today!!"He loved it. He has a huge ego and I'm good at stroking it. (that's not all I'm good at stroking... hehehe).

BTW I am surprisingly FINE about Mickey's recent declaration. I think I've been through SO much with my hubby over the last six months, he just became less important to me. And he ultimately had to choose between me and her, and he chose her, and that's fine. I knew he would so I wasn't surprised. I do feel sad that we never really got very far together. There's a song that perfectly describes us but I can't think of it now. I'll post it soon as I think of it. Anyway, I guess it's over forever, but who knows. Maybe he'll marry her. She's only 21 and I see her marrying a smart professor, someone older eventually. He is not her intellectual equal and I think she will get bored with him eventually. Will he come back if she does dump him? Of course he will! Will I want him or care? Of course I will. He knows it. But I'm not holding my breath.

I've moved on too. And I'm happier than I've been in six months. It's been a long, hard, horrible journey to get here and Mickey showed his true colors--he ran. That's what he does. And then blames it on everyone else.

I'm fine without him. I miss him, but I don't miss the games he plays; the cat and mouse, the not expressing himself and disappearing for months at a time then reappearing. I hate the drama, it's not fun at all. I like Adam, he is turning out to be everything I wanted Mickey to be. Honest, direct, simple, and uncomplicated. No drama. He's the easiest person to be in a relationship with. I am happy with my hubby too, we have worked out our issues and are still working on our marriage so we never get tangled up in a mess like that ever again.

Goodbye Mickey, "one night, and one more time, thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great, see, he tastes like you but sweeter."---Fall Out Boy

Sex with two guys

The guest bedroom door had been pushed slightly ajar and I knew at that moment my hubby was watching me fucking Adam. The glow of the candlelight revealed our naked and very sweaty bodies pounding each other, out bodies slapping with each of his thrusts. It had been a long six months since we'd been together and he had actually not been with anyone since our last time together! I wasn't nearly as horny since my hubby and I have been fucking like rabbits, but I had missed him and had thought of him when he texted me from time to time.

He's only 26. Nearly half my age.

And he's super hot. Beautiful long chin-length blonde hair, straight as angel hair pasta and great to grab onto while I'm riding him. Pretty blue eyes, tall and slim, and awesome balls. (did I say that out loud???) He's kinda smallish on the other topic but it's still fun. I can take the whole thing in my mouth and not gag.

The evening started with my hubby and I sitting in a bar listening to a cover band that kinda sucked and which of course made us miss our own band and compare us. We had had a weekend with no kids! They were both out of town with their friends so we had an empty house! We started to get a little sauced which led us to want to get a little saucy hee hee so I texted Adam, thinking full well he works Saturday nights so it would just be fun texting him. He had a new work schedule and was off, and home, and bored, and my text came at a great time! He agreed to come meet us and hang out, which meant end up back at our house fucking me. Were we ready for that?????

What the hell. Why not?

Next thing I knew there he was, just as good looking as the last time I saw him, and he greeted my hubby with a very nice handshake and smiles on both guys, and a hug and kiss for me. He sat between us; it was a two-top table and we were sitting in bar stools. Very cozy. He doesn't drink alcohol because of his job; he gets random testing so he just had a Coke. My hubby ordered his fifth beer and I was on my third Grey Goose and Red Bull. It was the perfect drink combination for a night of sex.

We chatted over the band for about a half hour I think, then it was time to leave and get the party started. I asked him if he remembered how to get to our house and he smiled and said, "of course!", gave me a kiss on the mouth and we parted towards the parking lot.

I drove since my hubby had had more to drink than me. I was fine ironically; I think the adrenaline (and possibly the Red Bull) made me feel quite alert. It was about a 20 minute drive home and it was exciting knowing my "boyfriend" was following us there.

My hubby and I got home first and we kissed passionately by the front door, waiting for Adam. He whispered to me, "have fun with your boyfriend--don't forget about me." I said, "thank you babe, and I won't, don't worry!!" and he went up to our room and got in bed to wait for me. Adam was here right away and it was fun letting him in again. He took off his shoes and left them by the door, and we went straight upstairs to the guest room.

My hubby had lit some candles for both rooms, and I had brought two into the guest room. For me, nothing sets the mood like flickering candles.  I don't even remember taking off our clothes, I just remember him being in his boxers (so fucking cute!!!!) and me in my bra and panties. My hubby had given me the cutest bras when we reconciled and I was wearing one of them for my boyfriend. How sexy is THAT???

He is a fun lover. He's very silly and doesn't take sex seriously. When our bodies were slapping against each other, we were totally into it and moaning and grinding, and then he'd giggle cuz the sound was funny. I like it; I'm totally 100% comfortable with him. The only thing I don't like is he won't go down on me! I am determined to make him like it! I don't know what his problem is and I plan on addressing it eventually. Right now, I'm happy to just enjoy sex with a hot 26 year old guy who's totally into me!!!

I was conscious of my hubby watching from the doorway and it was so hot. I knew Adam didn't know he was being watched and I didn't let on. I did glance my hubby's way several times to make eye contact with him even though it was pitch black in the hall and I couldn't see him--I knew he was there watching us. I'd have preferred to have had us all in the bed together but Adam wasn't into that unfortunately.

So...I had some fun with Adam for about 1/2 hour, 45 min or so then told him, "I'll be back...I'm going to go see my hubby." He was adorable and perfect, laying there so sexy, and he said, "the most important thing is you take care of him and don't have any problems between you." HE IS GOING TO REPLACE MICKEY IF HE HASN'T ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That made me SO happy!!! He truly cares about both of us. That's just what we've always wanted. I wanted it to be Mickey, and it was for a time. That chapter is over and done with.

I left him there, sweaty and naked, laying on his back, and went to my bedroom and got in bed with my hubby. His dick was hard and ready for me, and he was full of passion. He took me in his arms and held me tight and entered me immediately. He loved the feeling of my already wet vagina and I loved having a bigger dick inside me. I loved the connection we have between us...so much love. We made love for just a short while and he told me to go finish off my boyfriend and come back. I did what I was told.

I walked back into the candlelit guest room and my sexy boytoy was still laying on his back, waiting for me to come back to him. He turned and looked at me and smiled, and I went to him. He got hard so fast and within minutes we were back at it fucking like escaped jailbirds. I love all the different positions we get into, just like with my hubby, we are acrobats in the bedroom! My favorite thing he does is fuck me while holding me in the air, my legs wrapped around his torso and he holds my ass. It always makes him giggle and then me too as we realize how ridiculous we look. He finally came fucking me in the missionary position; he commented he was surprised he lasted so long after not having had sex for so long! I teased him, "I just can't believe a guy as hot as you hasn't had any in six months." He said he just doesn't like the young girls he meets; says they're all so immature and terrible in bed! He said I was worth waiting for. Just what I loved to hear.

I didn't bask in the afterglow too long cuz I was eager to return to my hubby. We cleaned up and kissed and I said he was welcome to spend the night, but he said that was ok, he should get going. I was fine with that. I thought it best too; I wanted to focus on my hubby and our relationship and I'd had my fun. I always said the reason the open marriage worked for me was I never spent the night with anyone; I'd fuck them and leave them. I told him, "thank you, that was awesome, hope to see you again soon," and he responded, "oh you will sexy, you will," and I left him there and walked back down the hallway to my hubby.

He greeted me again under the covers with his big hard dick and passionate kisses. I was happy to be back in his arms. He got on top of me and fucked me hard, then pulled out and went down on me since my boytoy hadn't wanted to do. I came right away; it felt so fucking good. He licked me up and down and tasted him and it was so fucking hot. He grabbed me hard and entered me again and fucked me so hard I screamed, he screamed and came so loud and forceful our dog started barking his head off! We laughed then and it was so awesome. Sweaty and exhausted, he flopped onto his back and we just panted like dogs ourselves.

What a fun night!

I became the "other woman"

Well Mickey has officially broke it off with me.  He sent me a middle-of-the-night text, "please don't send me any messages." This was in response to a heart emoticon I sent him, accidentally by the way, I had been texting my daughter hearts. I had been asleep, who knows how I sent it accidentally but anyway, yeah, that was the response I got.  I hadn't heard from him since April, and I had sent him a few texts here and there and hadn't gotten any response. I was shocked. I was completely unprepared for that. To which I wrote back, "Why don't you want to talk to me?" followed by four more texts (I was ignoring the, "please don't send me any messages" text obviously. "What happened?" "Please explain", "Did I do something to offend you?" Then, "Hmmmm, ok....8 years and no explanation". I fell asleep then and never heard another peep out of him.

Then I took my phone with me to go to the bathroom in the morning and checked my email (out of boredom, that's what i do on the toilet LOL) and he had sent me an email from his new email address.

"Sorry....please I can't mess things up with my GF I'm trying to get everything in line in my life. When you message me like you just did she sees everything". OH OK THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY. I'M BACK WITH MY GF. I WOULD'VE RESPECTED THAT ASSHOLE!

I responded; "Aw thank you for explaining! I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I wish you all the best and please know that I am always here for you." I intentionally left out, "all my love" or "love always, Anna" and all that since I knew the GF was going to see it. I thought, OK, it's over, for now, and good for him. I want him to be happy. I wasn't even upset. I knew it would end this way eventually. I haven't seen him in 2 years, two years today he came to see us before we moved here clear across the country. I knew moving here would end things as it would just be too hard with the distance. But like I said, I was ok.

BUT WAIT!! THERE'S MORE!!!

After I responded, I went back to read the rest of my new email messages, and there was another by him he'd written at 6:05 am that I hadn't seen. This one I could've done without. He had made his point in the other email; my BFF thinks she put him up to it but I don't think so. This one hurt.

"Please don't contact me anymore, this whole thing has ruined my life and I can't do this anymore. Ive been hurt so much and I can't take anymore".

That was it. Did I need to hear that I ruined his life????? Jesus H Christ!!!

I don't know what happened between them. I don't know if she read this blog. I don't know if she found out that her beloved likes guys too. I don't know how much she found out about me, all I know is I have left her alone and would never hurt her OR him. I think she's adorable and good for him; why on earth would I hurt her??? He has told me he was always single when we were involved, which may or may not be the truth. All he had to do is issue a pre-emptive strike and things might've gone differently for him. If he'd called me, or texted me, or sent me an email, "Hey sweetie, things are getting serious with my GF.  I really want to give this relationship a chance. I know you love me and want me to be happy, as happy as you are with your hubby. Let's cool it and let me be the first to contact you if things don't work out. You have meant the world to me, and I love you and wish you guys all the best."That's all he had to say.

My hubby, who knows all about lying and avoiding conflict, said he didn't do that because he "didn't want to hurt my feelings". WTF???? HOW WOULD THAT HAVE HURT MY FEELINGS??? This is so much worse!!! Instead of telling me something helpful and loving, now he's accusing me of ruining his life because HE didn't handle his personal life truthfully!!! That hurts. He has brought me lots of pain as well, and I never told him nor made him feel bad about himself for it. I refuse to accept that I ruined his life. My hubby says that he isn't angry at me, he's angry at himself. I believe that.

I also believe she has the right to know who he really is before she commits to him. If they stay together now, they will have an honest relationship. She is only 21 years old for God's sake, too young to commit herself to any guy let alone someone who is so messed up. She seems like she's an extremely intelligent, beautiful and honest girl and deserves to be treated better. If she wants him, and let's be honest, he is worth it, I truly believe that, after all I've been in love with the guy for 8 years now, she deserves to know him the way I know him. She may know his favorite color, his favorite food and how he leaves the seat up (if he does), but I know how kinky he really is and how he told me she won't do the things sexually he wants to do. Maybe now she either will, or she won't, and he can live a "vanilla" lifestyle and put up with it to have her and be secretly miserable (which will lead him to cheat on her, as he has done) or she'll accept that part of him and participate. Either way, this pain will cause them both to grow and be closer.

I refuse to accept that I've "ruined his life". His deception, his conflict-avoidance, and his game-playing to keep us both has ruined his life. There was a time not too long ago he was prepared to move here and be with us; he said only if I'd give him my car and I wasn't willing to do that. My hubby gave me that car to cheer me up when Mickey left California for Oregon and and broke my heart. He knows that story, and that was my one thing I refused to acquiesce on. I told him, "You can drive it all you want if you come live with me, but I can't give it to you. You understand right? I can't do that to my hubby." He understood. He thought seriously about moving here. He would've been very happy here.

We can't go back, we can only move forward. I am not sorry for having him in my life, if anything, he changed me and my life forever and I don't regret a thing. I miss him and I will miss him but something tells me he'll be back.

If not, I'm still okay. I will always love Mickey and not a day goes by that I don't think of him.

I wish him well.

"Fifty Shades of Grey"--have you read it?

Okay so I decided I had to find out what all the buzz about this book was about. S&M??? Oooooo!! How fun!!! So I downloaded this book about a month ago and have had such a hard time getting into it.

Here's my opinion so far, and I'm only on chapter 5.

I can't believe this book is so popular first of all; I'm surmising it's because of the subject matter; what other author has written a mainstream erotica book about S&M?? No one. She's truly a pioneer, I'll give her that. But in my opinion, her writing is juvenile at best.

First of all, her characters are SO one-dimensional. They have no depth whatsoever. As a reader, I could care less about either the protagonist or the leading man, Christian Grey. The protagonist is laughable. She is 22 years old, and a not only a virgin (yeah right, and she's drop-dead gorgeous) but she's also never been in love. Never really even kissed a guy. So here she is with the AMAZINGLY PERFECT LOOKING, BILLIONAIRE CHRISTIAN GREY who is head over heels in lust with her. He is textbook "Fabio"--chiseled features, insanely successful, in his twenties and already a billionaire. They are not only unbelievable but they are boring!!! The dialogue lacks any kind of excitement because the characters are not interesting people. They remind me of stick figures who are more like puppets. They keep moving but we don't know why and we soon don't care to find out.

The author's writing reminds me of my writing classes in college where someone has an idea for a novel, and they buy one of those guides, "How to write a novel in 21 days" or something like that. It's like she was copying some sort of formula and just typed it all out without any real feeling. There is no depth to either character. The reader doesn't really care why Christian Grey is enamored with her (Anastasia). She is inept, annoying, and so uninteresting. Other than being horny for him, we know little else about her. There is no back story on her (so far, like I said, I'm on chapter 5) other than she's in college and has a roommate smarter than her. Seriously!!! I am not kidding. That is all we know about her. We do know Christian is adopted and that's about it. He's gorgeous, insanely rich, impeccably dressed, and crazy for her.

At this point where I stopped reading last night (because the book put me to sleep yet again), Christian has just shown her his "playroom"--his S&M room. She's in shock, and she's dismayed because she had hoped for a night of passionate sex and falling asleep in his arms, but he said, "I don't ' make love'. I 'fuck hard'". Then when she admits she's a virgin, he feels sorry for her and tells her he will "make love" to her. Whatever. I don't even care if he changes his mind and kicks her out for being so annoyingly naive and coy. In fact, that would probably make the story more interesting!!!

 I have really struggled to read it just so I can see what all the fuss is. And I will keep punishing myself (hahah, pun intended) to finish it out of mere curiosity. I keep falling asleep so it will take me awhile to finish it.

I do love his name; that's about all I like about this book.

Tell me your thoughts!

He likes it rough....

Oh. My. God.  You should see my hubby's neck! He insists I bite down hard while we're making love. He writhes with pleasure. It's so fucking exciting and disturbing all at the same time. I will do whatever he wants me to do to please him, but it does worry me a little when it's all said and done.

I have known this man for 22 years. That's a lot of fucking and lovemaking. He has never wanted it this rough before. Does he feel the need to be punished for cheating on me?? At first, I really enjoyed hurting him. I slapped him in the face while I was on top of him. It was so erotic. I actually slapped him so hard I gave him a black eye! I had no idea I hit him that hard. He loved it. We have never been like this. I keep thinking this will pass, but there's no sign of him letting up. Guess I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.

What to do about our not-so-open marriage??

Sexy Adam has not forgotten me. He has been patiently waiting for me for over 5 months now. He's been texting me and wanting to hook up. My hubby has encouraged me to do so, but I am wary now. Being that we almost divorced, I think we need to give our relationship some time before we start jumping into other people's beds (or others jumping into ours!!!) Much as it worked for me, clearly, the open marriage didn't work for him, and I'm not about to risk it.

I am wondering what is up with Mickey. Haven't heard a peep out of him. I've been on Yahoo messenger, I've sent him emails. I've tried texting and calling, and discovered he's changed his phone number AND deleted one of his email addresses. BUT---his Facebook is active, adding new "friends" all the time, even though it's set to private it does show when new friends added. Also, his GF has a really touching picture of him on her page, it's her "wall" pic, and he's standing on a deserted dock, holding a dog leash in his left hand, her stupid little dog on the other end of it taking a crap. The pic is from behind, and he looks stunning. Fuck them both. Whatever.

My BFF tells me, "he's done it before. Just relax. He'll be back." Yeah, maybe. We do this dance all the time. Whatever. I do find myself missing him a lot lately.  I know he was quite upset that my H and I were separated and I wanted to tell him our good news that we are back together, but he is AWOL.

Gotta run, hubby almost home. It's Friday and it's happy hour somewhere!

(This post never posted when intended....November 2011)Same old shit, different day

Well it's been 9 days since I last heard from Mickey. Yep, same shit, different day. He's not responding to any of my texts nor answering his phone, not calling me back. WTF here we go again. I'm in major withdrawal and I'm a bitch to live with right now. Thankfully my hubby understands and has been very sweet. I hate this, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it. Maybe I'll be done with Mickey for good after this. He's done this to me so many times I can't count--and I always take him back.

We were just having the most amazing conversation before the ignoring started--he was seriously talking about moving here! We were making concrete plans. No lie. It was amazing. Then my hubby and I took a small trip and it was amazing--I'll blog about it next time (kids home from Easter break--I gotta write fast!) but Mickey wrote me the whole time. It was great.

Something must've happened in his head or in his life two days after we got back from our trip.

Making up for lost time!

With the exception of one night where I made my hubby PROMISE me "no sex!!" because I was SO sore, we have had sex every single day since we reconciled, sometimes twice a day! We have been definitely making up for lost time! It has been wonderful. After all these years, I realized the difference between "making love" and "having sex", and I think for a long time, all we've really had is "sex".

I always thought merely by having sex with my husband, it was "making love", and having sex with other people was the opposite--just "having sex". If I loved my husband, I was "making love" to him, and if I was just merely "fond" of my other sexual partners, I was "having sex". Until this happened, the INFIDELITIES, this is how I thought.

How wrong I was.

I can't remember my hubby ever being THIS passionate! His kisses are MORE tender, his gaze more focused on making eye contact with me while lovemaking. It is more than sex. It is primal, fulfilling, emotional, intimate. I feel a connection with him I don't think I've really felt in a long, long time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have always loved having sex/making love with my husband, but it hasn't been this deep emotionally since, well, maybe our honeymoon......19 years ago???

Why now? Why is it suddenly THIS GOOD??? It may be because we've just gone to hell and back. It may be because we have back that feeling of new romance that everyone can identify with. When you first fall in love and you can't get enough of each other. Everything is magnified: lips softer, eyes bluer, skin more sensitive to the slightest touch. Candles flicker warmer, music seems more hypnotic, the fabric of the sheets more sensual. Everything is magnified.

And we have the luxury now of time. Our kids are teens, and are often at friends' houses overnight, or out with their friends or one of our kids has a job. We have more "alone time" than we have had since we were first married. We can finish conversations we start without interruptions, we can watch a TV show without having to get up 16 times to feed/diaper a child; tend to; /answer questions/fix a meal/go look at a bug/wow the cat just brought in a mouse/there's a spider on my wall/etc. etc. etc. It's been awesome!!!!!!

It feels good.

WE HAD SEX! WE HAD SEX! WE HAD SEX! WE MADE OUR DOG BARK AND WHIMPER!!!

I woke up yesterday, both of us backwards on my bed, sore and hungover. I looked over and saw my naked hubby, backwards as well, his sexy body still and partially covered by the sheets. Last night really did happen! That's when I saw the enormous hickey on his neck--damn, it was the best hickey I'd given since high school!! I giggled. I grabbed my pillow and swung it around so I was facing the right way. I was disoriented and a little nauseous. I fell back asleep happy.

He had set up a date for us and made all the arrangements. Even childcare for our kids so they'd be gone for the night! I knew he had sex on the brain, and he must've known I was thinking the same thing.

I was a little apprehensive. Was this what I really wanted? Am I ready for this? If I have sex with him, what does this mean? Does this mean he thinks I've forgiven him? Does this mean he moves back into our bedroom? I felt like I needed to know the answers to all of this before I slept with him again. After not having had a shred of intimacy for the last nine weeks, to just jump into bed without thinking about the consequences seemed really immature and dangerous.

I didn't have time.

I worked the morning shift at the bar, ran to the mall to try to find something cute and new to wear, ran home, barely had time to do my nails and shower. I texted my girlfriend my concerns and she said, "just go with it. Relax and enjoy." So I decided to do just that. I didn't find a dress at the mall but instead chose a $300 Guess dress I bought years ago that still had the tags on it. I had never had an opportunity to wear it; tonight was the night. I did buy a new pair of 5 inch stillettos that looked very sexy. He loved them.

It was a little awkward. I did hold his hand, and his huge smile was just the reassurance I needed. I knew that every little thing I did was huge in his mind and heart, so I didn't need to worry. We valet parked at a 5 star hotel here, had dinner at the swanky place inside, and then the concert venue was close by so we walked there. He got tickets to one of our favorite bands (how sweet eh?), Keane. They have this amazing hypnotic music that's romantic and sexy, and we play it over and over while we take our baths. He knew this band would trigger happy memories for me, and a way to make new ones. I let him give me a deep sexy kiss in the elevator, his body pressed up against mine. He grinded his hard cock against my pelvis as he kissed me; it felt amazing. I knew then I wanted him as well.

The concert was amazing. We both cried during a few special songs to both of us. It was magical. After the concert, we walked back to the hotel where they had a chocolate bar! That was so decadent! A glass of pinot noir and some chocolate covered strawberries and marshmallows, and we were in heaven. We talked about getting a room, but decided it would be more enjoyable to be at home. After all, he had replaced our marital bed with a brand-new $4000 bed he had never slept in. I was eager to share it with him.

We held hands on the way home, and made goo-goo eyes at each other. When we walked into the house, he didn't assume we would have sex. He assumed he'd go back to the guest room where he's lived the last 2 months, and I'd go into "my" bedroom. We walked upstairs, and had that awkward moment at the top of the staircase landing where it's been like that for two months. But this time would be the last time; the last awkward moment at the top of the stairs. I took his hand and smiled, and guided him to our bedroom.

I let him put his hands on my legs, and they made their way up to my panties, up under my dress. He felt me all the way up, and caressed the breasts he'd fantasized about touching again; my slim waist he thought he'd never feel again. He then grabbed the dress and pulled it over my head as fast as he could. Just like in the movies. It was very hot! I love it when he takes charge, and I let him. By this point, his shirt was off, and I was admiring his skinny body and new tattoos. I loved that he got them just for me; his whores never got to see this sexy guy. They got the broken, pathetic guy he used to be. The tattoos signify the man he's becoming for me. How could I not be turned on??

Like my BFF said, I relaxed and enjoyed. It was amazing. I slapped him in the face several times, and he let me. He knew he deserved it. We were animals; we hurt each other and healed each other as we made love. It was nine weeks since we'd touched, after 22 years of being together and having the most incredible sex life of anyone we know. He hurt me deeply, he strayed. I have not forgiven him really, but I am understanding how broken he was. I am willing to give him another chance with my heart, because he's earning it back every day.

We even made our dog bark and whimper. He was locked in our daughter's empty room, and heard our lovemaking. It was primal and animal, and he was desperate to either save one of us or attack us. Thank God he was locked in there! We couldn't help but laugh at his cries. When we were done, we let him out and reassured him everything was ok. He laid down on the landing, assured all was well. We giggled. We fell asleep happier than we had in 5 months, and slept better as well.
                                                           
My hubby also woke up backwards, and his stirrings woke me. My head was by his feet, and I was admiring his sexy tush. He really has a great ass. He stared at me, smiling, and grabbed his pillow and swung it around next to mine. I couldn't believe the last 12 hours. Neither could he. He just took my face in his hands and said his dreams came true, that I would come back to him. We cried and then he ravished me again, climbing on top of me and devouring my neck and nipples as he rammed his big dick into me again and again. Nine weeks of desire built up. And last night was only the appetizer.

After we both came, we laid there in each other's arms, vulnerable and spent. He was just overcome with joy that I'm giving him another chance. He said he will never stop regretting the pain he caused me, and will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. Why wouldn't I give this man another chance?? I know he truly means it.

He acknowledges we still have a long road ahead of us. It won't always be easy. There are triggers for me everywhere; we are seriously looking to sell this house and start over. Maybe even move back to California. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. He is a changed man. The thing is, he is becoming who I thought he already was. He has a lot of shit to work through, but he's on his way.

He brought me coffee in bed, we read the Sunday paper like old times together. It felt soooo good. He asked me, "What do you want to do today?" and I only had one thing in mind.

"Get your things out of the guest room. Put everything back in our room." His eyes welled with tears, and we hugged tightly. The past is going to stay in the past, and it's time to build a better present, because now I believe we have a future together.

It was the best weekend we'd had in nine weeks. And today is Monday, and I'm sitting here writing all this down, not wanting to forget any of it.

I am happy.

Still no sex--going on 9 weeks now

Well hello everyone, sorry I've been AWOL for some time now. Things have been really shitty with me and my hubby, but I think I've turned a corner this week. Thank you to those of you who've written and asked about how I'm doing, how we are doing. I do have another blog I've been devoting my time to, and I need to keep that just for me. It's how I process what I'm going through and for now this really isn't that platform for that. I don't want the focus of this blog to be that kind of pain LOL

It's been a little over 5 months since I found out my hubby had cheated on me with one woman, and after leading me on for three months that "that's all, I've told you everything" he finally came clean with affairs with two other women. It's been hell. I don't want to go into any more detail here, but suffice it to say, when he did, I wanted badly to kick him out but I just couldn't. I don't know why. But I did kick him out of our bedroom, all his clothes and everything and he's still living in our guest room down the hall. No sex, no intimacy of any kind. I have hugged him twice and gave him a peck on the cheek at bedtime a few nights ago.

But I do miss him. He is a sexy motherfucker. He is looking better and better to me every day.

I am just about ready to take him back.

It's been a long road to get here. Marriage counseling, both of us in individual counseling, and thousands of hours talking, yelling, screaming, and more talking.

We plan to resume our open marriage when he has practiced not lying longer than he's practiced lying. I am going to delete the posts that included threesomes with two of these whores as I found out he had had one-night stands with them prior to including me in threesomes with them. Not good. I don't want to re-live those experiences on paper, it's bad enough they are in my head. They don't turn me on anymore, they turn my stomach.

Thank you for your concern and patience. Hope if you're reading this you are actively honest in your life in every way, and holding yourself accountable for all your actions.

AND USE CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Anna XO