New opportunities with an old friend and a new friend

It's snowing like a mutherfucker here right now and I'm coming down with some sort of flu or cold, I'm not sure, but I'm glad I've got time to write today. Lots to catch up on! Ok, Mickey update first---I'm so happy he's got a phone cuz he's texting me all the time now! He opened up to me a little a couple days ago---it was really amazing to finally get in his head a little. He was in rare form. He actually said, "I miss you"!!!!

He apologized profusely for "freaking out over the Tweet thing", saying that "she" (he never referred to her as his girlfriend) found one of our chats and was asking questions about us. He said they aren't serious, rather she owes him a lot of money and he's only sticking around till she pays him back! He was upset that if she found out about "us" (HIS term!! There's an 'us'? yay!) he would be "screwed". So, it wasn't that he was worried about hurting her! I am shocked. And relieved. He said he's not making much money now so he really needs her to pay him back.

He talked about the porn site--I think he is desperate. He said it's either that or sell weed, and he doesn't want to do that either, and that he's scared to actually do anything yet and hasn't. I told him I was upset about it, I didn't like that his face would be seen and he might regret it.

He also apologized for missing my birthday and said "happy late b-day". I texted him a pic of me I'd just taken a few days ago, all dressed up to go out, and he said, "I like your hair". That's the closest I've gotten to a compliment from him. (I'll take it). He thanked me for the Christmas card and pics I sent him and said, "I loved them". WOW he has never said the word LOVE in any form, so that was neat. He said he wished he could've visited me yay! So of course I told him that we'll fly him out anytime. The guest room has a brand-new bed in it and it's ready for him! And lastly, he said that "moving there is starting to sound good right now", and that he wants to find a good job. So of course I'm checking out what's here and sending him info. My hubby was pleased to hear all this and we'll see what he does. I love hearing from him, and he seems to need me right now, and I love it.

I found a book in a bookstore called, "The Threesome Handbook", and my hubby and I are reading it together. He says I could've written it LOL and I guess he's right. We have learned a few things and we are talking more than we were. Communication is the most important thing if you're going to have this lifestyle, and with our crazy schedules, we don't always communicate as well as we should. He really wants to include a woman and I just don't know how I feel about that. I haven't been really ok with it so far, I don't really know what I'm turned off to the idea, but it is something my hubby would like so I told him I will really think about it and let him know. Am I threatened by another woman, do I worry she'll steal him away? Yeah, I'm sure that's a huge part of it. I really don't get how he can let me be with other men and be okay with it. He gets more turned on than jealous, and I guess he must feel pretty secure about me, so that's awesome. Most of the time I try not to think about our lifestyle, because we've always said that if we think about it too much, we feel too shameful and guilty and weird and we'd probably stop doing it, but don't want to. Reading this book has helped with those feelings---the author is so frank about it being simply, an alternative lifestyle, calling it "modern". (so much better than "swinging". I really hate that term). A monogamous marriage is simply called "a closed relationship", and is neither better nor worse than a "modern" marriage (ours). A choice, not morally corrupt.

I know a couple who have been married 11 years, two kids, and they have a closed marriage. My hubby swears he's probably cheated on her several times, and if he were to even think she thought another guy was hot he'd have a shit-fit. So, I look at their marriage, and think to myself, hey, we treat each other better. We'd never cheat on each other--why would we?? If my hubby finds a woman attractive, he tells me. Vice versa. No big deal. Why can't more people be honest with each other? If there were more marriages like ours, I really feel there would be fewer divorces.

We are actually discussing telling our kids. It's more worrisome to think that with the stuff they might overhear, or see (as in me getting Mickey's texts all the time) that they might think I'm cheating on their daddy. I told my hubby not for now--if Mickey comes to live with us yes, but not right now. We aren't seeing anyone (unfortunately!!!) so why say anything now?

I had to laugh when I was reading in the 'Handbook" how we are probably misreading the flirtations of possible sex partners! It was saying how there are some interests people have that are generally thought of as open-minded (such as artists and musicians). So, I was thinking about this yesterday at the grocery store! I was getting a pound of bacon from the deli counter, and the guy helping me was really cute except for a shaggy beard. I could see a sleeve of tattoos peeking out from his white butcher's coat, and thought of the book. He was really friendly, even introduced himself by name (I'll call him Tony) and put out his hand to greet me! He said he's the new deli manager and we stood and talked for about 15 minutes. He's married, and he seemed very happy with his life. We talked about the snow and the impending storm and he was telling me how he snowplows his neighbors' drives for them. I never would've thought he might be flirting with me or be in a "modern" marriage had I not read that in the book. I vowed to myself upon saying our goodbyes that I would keep an open mind myself and see if there's an opportunity with him and his wife there! (maybe invite them over sometime? Give him my cell number next week when I go shopping??)

Opportunities abound! We just have to be willing to see them.

Now to help find Mickey a job here!

Sexting and birthday presents

Well I got the text I'd been waiting for! Mickey finally got a phone! It was awesome he wrote me. We wrote back and forth for about an hour and that was it. Considering he most likely still has a girlfriend, I'm not writing first. If he writes, I'll respond, but I'm going to play it cool. He's promised me a private show for my birthday this week ;) woo hoo that would be very nice!

I'm hoping to hook up with Mr. Army Guy tomorrow! It's the only day I'm free this week (and happens to coincide with my birthday week) so yeah that would be an awesome present to myself! If not, well, guess I'll have to go shopping!! LOL

So that's it for now. Details as the fun happens.

A Dry Spell's Not Fun for Me Either

I accidentally left myself online all night and someone crawled out of the woodwork and wrote me a very nice long message!! It was my Army guy, the very first guy I had contact with when I signed up on that dating website. He was very apologetic, said he was embarrassed the way he stood me up, said he was too embarrassed to admit he didn't have the money to even drive to come see me. That he's doing better now and wants to still hook up with me if I could forgive him. Well......duh, I think I could! I think that took guts and I did think he was one of THE hottest guys on the site, even now several months later. I wrote him back, "I accept your apology and I think you deserve a second chance ;)"

I did hear again from Mickey 2 nights ago, and I guess I was right--he does seem desperate. All he wrote was a hello, and an apology, that things weren't going well for him right now. I just told him what I usually say, that I care about him and I'm here if he needs me. He's got his male pride and guess he doesn't want our help.

I have about five "irons in the fire" right now, a mix of young gentlemen who are in some state of flux. One writes almost every day, then nothing. I'm not fast enough for him I guess, so he loses interest and comes back. Two I really like, but I don't hear from them now so I don't know what's up with that. Sometimes I think it's all just a huge waste of time that could be better spent doing more productive things. I just wish I could meet people the old-fashioned way.

I have a best girfriend that is divorced and has been in a long-term relationship with an older gentleman, and she's coming to visit me in a few weeks. I am determined to get her on this dating website so she can meet some younger guys! She'd make a great cougar. She's gorgeous but doesn't know it. They'd go crazy for her.  I told her this older guy is just a "transitional" guy that's helped her get thru her divorce. Now it's time for some younger guys who'll make her feel like a queen!

So hey, I'm sorry if this blog has gotten dry and boring, that's the state of affairs with me right now. My hubby and I need to get out and have some fun too. I know he's bored too. And remember Mickey will always be number one after my hubby--he's the only other guy I have feelings for and everything he says and does affects me. I wish it didn't....but it does. My goal is to let him go; eventually I know I'll have to, so it's best if it's on MY terms. He's far away but close in my mind. My hubby said he'd fly him out to come and see us this month, so he's been on my mind a lot. Guess it's not going to happen, and that's disappointing. I just wish I could meet someone who's as cute as him and makes me feel the way he makes me feel so I could get over him. Our threesomes were sooo awesome.

And after "The Wife" incident, I'm more cautious than ever. I have to make sure who I meet isn't gonna "Mr. Goodbar" me or give me a disease. I'm very picky and I have the right to be. I'm happily married and I don't need anyone else. My hookups are just for fun and I don't need anybody else's drama. I told my hubby I think we should go back to swinging---single guys can be soooo much fun but it leaves him out and that's not fair. I actually like threesomes better anyway.

Ok well that's it for now, hope I have a date soon with Mr. Army Guy!

OMG---Mickey's doing porn for cash!!

Yes, you read that title correctly. Mickey's on an amateur porn website and getting paid to play with himself for anyone that wants to watch him (and pay for it). I don't know how much he makes but he's promised me FREE shows! (I sure as hell ain't paying for it!!).

Backing up for a second---he finally wrote me on Yahoo messenger that he didn't get a phone, but a computer, and wanted to chat with me. He told me he was working on a website "doing private shows for people" and told me the name.  Said he'd be online all night and wanted to talk to me. I did write him, but never saw him online again for several days, until today he finally wrote me. He's at work (pizza place? I don't know, he didn't say).  He's only written me a little, I imagine he's busy, but it's frustrating. I said, "so tell me about his website", and he said, "I touch myself on cam. For money." So of course I had to look him up. OMG I found him right away, his profile telling me all about him, which I already know, all his stats. I feel a little sad seeing him on this, seems like he's, um, I don't know, a little whorish. I know!! Who am I to talk????

I just told him, "remember we talked about doing this, you and me together? Cuz we are so hot together! Wish we still could!!" This site has thousands of young people on it, every kind of sexual fetish you can imagine, girls, guys, couples, gay, straight, bi, trannies, you name it, they're on there, masturbating to make money. Can't believe I considered doing it too. I don't know why but the only emotion I seem to feel about it is sadness. That's my Mickey!! The boy I'm insanely infatuated with, to think he doesn't care who's watching. Getting paid for it is prostitution, but it's legal. I'm just upset about it.

I asked him, "What does your GF think about it?" and he said, and I quote, "...Doesn't care". Not, "She's fine with it", or "She doesn't mind" or "she thinks it's hot", or even, "SHE doesn't care". Just "doesn't care". Maybe I'm making too much out of this. I just feel sad he's doing it. Does he need the money that badly he can't make it any other way?? And I've offered him the moon and the stars.....that he could move in with me and I'd take care of him..That's why I'm sad. He'd rather do this.

Why DOESN'T his GF care? She should. She doesn't love him the way that I do. Or as much as I do.

P.S. NO I'm not getting a subscription to his webcam. It's free or none at all. I can't bear to watch him knowing creepy guys are watching him the same time as me. I want him all to myself, and I always have.

I'll let you know if he writes me more. He's still online but quiet. I have to go to sleep now, and I'll probably miss his messages.

:((

Midnight yahoo message from Mickey!!!!!!!!!

Four days ago I got a yahoo messenger message from Mickey that put me in a great mood for the rest of the day---he simply said, "hey tell me your number again? I'm going to have a phone tomorrow". It came in the middle of the night, as usual. I responded when I saw it--about 12 hours after he wrote it---"yay!" and gave him my cell number.

Like I said, that was FOUR DAYS AGO. I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM SINCE.

He hasn't "tweeted" in nearly 2 weeks. Neither has his girlfriend, and she's the kind that tweets at least once or twice a day. I don't know what's going on with him, with them, whatever.

I haven't seen him online. I'm guessing he quit the pizza job and is only at his new job (phone company). He had free WIFI at the pizza job, that's when I'd hear from him. So I don't know what the fuck is going on. Being patient is not one of my strong suits.

In the meantime, I'm trying like mad to find a new boyfriend. The dating websites are ok, I'm kind of frustrated at them. I am currently IM'ing about 3-4 different guys, but not really excited about any of them. One guy who had a HOT profile pic was on his webcam yesterday afternoon and so I thought, yeah, let's take a look at this guy! I got on my webcam too and YUK HE WAS NOT HOT!!! I was like, damn, how do I get out of this now?? I just said I had to go and clicked off. So now I'm avoiding him.

I did however meet a totally hot guy working at Abercrombie yesterday! He was smokin' hot. Great personality and I don't think he was gay (hard to tell sometimes). He was friendly and funny with me but I don't think he was flirting. Bummer. I'd really rather meet someone the old-fashioned way---which is NOT on a dating website.

Well, like I told my hubby, back to the drawing board. Guess Mickey's not planning on coming out here for my birthday like he said. When I hear from him next I'll ask him. I soooo want to see him again.

-----sigh----

Mickey has a girlfriend....and no, it's not me

I seem to have a knack for getting myself into mischief. Why can't I just leave things alone? Having found Mickey's Twitter page, and everything that happened with me thinking he had a phone and cussing him out and all, I decided to sweetly be one of his "followers".  He had posted a Tweet that said he had a new phone (finally!) and so I replied, "yay! Call me!" and posted my phone number for him. I waited with baited breath (whatever that is LOL) I was SO excited to see a text from him. Sure enough, that evening, I DID get a text from him. On that previous phone number he said wasn't his! He said it was Mickey, he was using his friend's phone, and he went on and on about how "bad move--you have to unfollow me", cuz he has a GF now and he doesn't want her to know about me, etc. I have my blog link on there (my "clean" blog, not this one) but he didn't know that. He thought my blog link was to THIS one and THAT'S why he was freaking out. His texts came rambling out like spitfire. One after the other. Ten total, him just going on and on about how this was "too close to my personal life" and "if you keep this up I won't be able to talk to you anymore." He did say that they weren't exclusive and he still dated other people. 

I was sound asleep when these texts came, and my eyesight is so poor without glasses, and I didn't want my hubby to know what was going on, so I just got online and unfollowed him on his Twitter and said I was sorry, I didn't know he had a GF. Then I realized he was upset because of the blog link, so I reassured him it wasn't the sex blog but my clean one so he needn't worry. He said he had to go and would text me as soon as he got a phone.

I went back to sleep uneasy and when I got up, I got on Yahoo and told him (he was offline) that I wanted to reassure him again that the blog link was my clean one and his GF could read it, my kids read it, it's not the sex one. I told him I unfollowed him anyway out of respect for his relationship. That was over a week ago, and I had not seen him online since. Until----this morning! I woke up and had a message from him! I was sooo happy! It came at 1 am and simply said, "hey are you there?" Of course I wasn't, I was asleep, but I wrote him this morning and he's still online (obviously asleep). So I'm excited to hear from him today! I'm relieved he's not mad at me and we are still ok. WHEW!!!!!!

I just have to tell you that this GF of his is the same girl he cheated on with me when I flew out to see him last year. I saw a text from her on his cell. She'd texted him several times while he was with me, and I've always known him running out of the room on me had something to do with her. I may be brave enough to mention it. For now, let's just say I'm glad he's still in my life, and I know that he loves me. 

Oh! And B texted me, he wants to get together again ;) yay! He's got a new billboard in LA, jeez that guy is amazing looking. And a great kisser. And good in bed. Yummy! so my hubby took some new sexy pics of me and I sent him one. I love thinking about what he did with it ;)

There's a WIFE?????

Yesterday I was nonchalantly checking my yahoo messenger to see if I had any messages from overnight when I see E was online. Girls and boys, if you've been reading my blogs, you'll remember him from Dec. 9 under the title "Two Guys in One Afternoon". He was someone I'd met on a certain dating website and we had a GREAT time together. WELL-------we were chatting away yesterday morning. We had chatted  once or twice since that fun day, and he'd told me his girlfriend had found his profile and some incriminating text messages, so he was on the "down low" for awhile. He said that he didn't know when he'd be able to see me again and I said whatever that's fine. I couldn't care less either way. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him cheating on her but since they weren't married it seemed less egregious. Not my burden to bear but I did think it wasn't a great idea.

So yesterday morning we're chatting away, he's telling me he's not doing well, that his GF is "pissed" and what should he tell her? How can he make it better? I was giving him advice such as, "well, since you had a kid you should try to work it out with her", and "counseling is a good idea". He was asking me if I should "tell her the truth" and I said "what does she know?" and that sort of banter. WELL then I said, "you need to search your heart and find out what YOU want", to which I got this reply--"I'm his WIFE and that's exactly what I'm trying to figure out!" I was stunned. My head spun around and I said, "What??" to which she replied, "so I guess he didn't tell you he was married before he had a kid?" I went invisible and texted him immediately.

I told him, "you need to call me asap." He texted right back, "I'm in a meeting, what's up?" I told him his wife was posing as him on Yahoo messenger and that she was freaking out. I took pics of the conversation with my iPhone and sent them to him. He told me to just tell her the truth. I started texting my hubby so he could give me advice. He was concerned she'd come after me so told me to take a breath and think it through. E is texting me back, saying, "just do it. Just tell her and I'll clean up the mess." I told him, 'no, that's not my cross to bear. If I tell her, it'll make it worse for you. She'll never forget how she found out--"YOUR WHORE HAD TO TELL ME!!!", I could imagine. He was like, "shit shit shit shit shit." THEN------I guess he wasn't in a meeting---OR at work-----SHE gets on his phone and says, "This is his wife again. I just want to know the truth. Did you have sex with my husband?" I ignored her, my heart pounding. The texts kept coming rapid-fire, one after another. She was begging me to tell her. I kept ignoring her. She said, "woman to woman, wouldn't you want to know?" that sort of thing. I was just so upset for her. I felt so bad. I didn't know he was married! So I finally decided that since they have a kid together, I wouldn't tell her the truth. After all, I wasn't in love with the guy (she asked me if I was), it was just sex, just one time, and for all I know, his only transgression and obviously he loved her enough to be trying to make things right. He had told me he'd deleted his profile and hadn't talked to any women since she found the profile and messages. He was really trying to mend things.

So.......I told her, "no, I've never even met him. I can hardly remember him. I'm married too, we're swingers, and I talk to lots of guys." The questions kept coming. "Well how come then you said "the positions we did?" (I had asked him, does she know about me to the extent of the positions we did?) soI said I meant did he do them with other women. That i was just trying to help him mend his relationship with you. That I didn't know he was married." She seemed satisfied with my answers, thanked me, and told me the number would be deleted so if he wanted to contact me he would. I told her, "anytime, take care", and that was that.

Ok so lesson learned. If a guy has a GF it might be a WIFE, and if she doesn't know he's with me, he shouldn't be with me. My husband KNOWS I'm with him. It's only right. Swingers don't cheat on their spouses, and we don't like knowing the person we're with is cheating on someone. No matter how "hot" they are, it's just not right.

It's hard to spot a liar, especially when it comes to getting someone to have sex with you. People have been lying for centuries. Lesson learned here---ask more questions first. The truth will probably spill out.

Poor girl. He's a hottie, but it probably won't be his last affair. I hope I did the right thing.

Mickey responds--with a surprise ending

I sat there "invisible" online for several days. I couldn't stand it another minute. I was losing sleep, trying to come up with THE perfect words, THE perfect sentence, to win him back. To not attack him further JUST IN CASE HE WAS TELLING THE TRUTH. I finally just simply copied and pasted the incriminating Tweet and sent it to him. Then I wrote, "This Tweet is why I said what I did", and waited. I put myself online, and he was online in a heartbeat. He wrote, "LOL that's why you freaked out?" and proceeded to explain that he doesn't have a phone, that it does belong to a friend of his. He borrows it from time to time and that he had to ask that girl something (he didn't say what, but I've seen her pic and she's not cute so I think they're just friends). He thought my rampage was funny. He was telling the truth after all.

I did tell him, "You have to understand that reading that, thinking, I don't care if you give your number to another girl, why wouldn't you give it to ME?" and he said, "I would give it to you silly! And I will when I get a phone!" I also said, "you know that if I didn't care about you I wouldn't have been hurt. And I didn't feel special anymore reading that." He was busy at the pizza place, it was Christmas Eve and they were very busy so he didn't respond as rapidly as I was writing him. I said also, "you know, it would be nice if you borrowed your friends' phone to call ME once in a while." He finally responded saying only that he didn't have my number, it got lost when he dropped his phone in water and he lost all his numbers. I said "well here it is don't lose it!!!" and I wrote it.

The last thing he said was "why do you check my tweets when you don't even follow me?" and that's where I made up a story about how I found his Twitter page (so I wouldn't look like the psycho bitch I really am).  After my explanation,  I just kind of let it hang there for a bit. Then I wrote, 'so, you love me?" and he said, "I do...don't do that again ok? You don't need to check my tweets. Just ask me next time."

Needless to say, I'm not having trouble sleeping anymore. Mickey and me are good. And it feels sooooo good.

Mickey shows his true colors

I went looking for trouble and I found it.

Mickey had been acting aloof lately. After yahoo messenging me 8 days in a row, full of sexy talk and feeling like we were really getting along, he disappeared for over a week. I wrote him, "Hey, what's going on? It's been over a week since I heard from you." He responded quickly, within a day I think, saying simply that he hadn't been working much and that he wasn't able to get online to talk to me. Ok, I understand. All was well between us.

Then two days in a row he'd be online for 12 hours straight--he'd be the first to write and say, "hey" and then after I'd respond I wouldn't hear from him again. Two days in a row he did this. Then it was spotty for another couple of days, no real communication.

So......I went looking for trouble and I found it.

Actually, I was just missing him. I was looking for any clues as to his sudden withdrawals. I googled his name and only one connection came up--a Twitter account. Now I had a Twitter account at one time but found it completely nothing more than self-flagellation and promotion, and a complete waste of time, so I had deleted my account. Then I had started a new one a few months ago, feeling like I was missing out on understanding of a new technology and thought I needed it to stay current, although I never tweet much. (I save my "tweets" for Facebook). I didn't have any followers that actually knew me anyways so I hadn't checked it in ages. So......I found his Twitter and his page is completely public!! I was shocked, since his Facebook has always been hidden. (AND might I mention he never accepted, nor ignored, my FB friend request).

So I'm scrolling down, reading his tweets, and I was able to learn a few interesting things about my Mickey and his secret life. He's fucking his old GF again (as in, "I hope you're BALD next time I see you") which made me nearly throw up. He's got a new job, claiming he's working 70 hours a week now. Oh, and he's got a cell phone. Two weeks ago he Tweeted to some girl, "why don't you just text me at blah blah blah blah blah". What did I do with this information??

*I need to stop here and clarify why finding out he had a cell phone incensed me so much. First of all, he has been telling me how he can't afford a phone. He's told me just 2 days before I found this out that "I'm going to get a phone soon so I can send you naked pictures of myself for you." Ok? That and he has led me to believe that the only way he can communicate with me is via the yahoo messenger, and ONLY when he works at a particular store cuz he doesn't have a computer anymore, or the internet, OR a phone, only his iTouch, which he can get online with if a place has free WIFI. That explains the erratic nature of his communication with me. I have accepted this from him and have felt pity on him. I've sent him money, not enough to buy a phone mind you but enough to let him know I care and want badly to stay in touch with him. AND LET'S NOT FORGET THAT IN HIS TWEET, HE WAS GIVING HIS CELL NUMBER TO ANOTHER GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Ok. So, knowing that I've been lied to for at least the last 2 weeks that I can prove, and feeling like I've been manipulated and used, I had to decide how to handle it. Badly, I imagine, because I was so hurt and angry I couldn't see straight. I put the phone number in my cell phone and simply texted him, "You're such an asshole!" to which someone (he refuses to admit it's him) answered, "who's this" (no punctuation, just the way Mickey writes).  I answered simply, "the person who you've been lying to about not having a phone". It went on from there, he pretended he was "not Mickey but a friend of Mickey's" and I don't even know what beef you have with him but I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a phone" and that he's "used mine for interviews and stuff". I said, ok whatever Mickey. He said, "Do you want me to tell him something for you?" to which I never responded. Then another hour later, he said, "wait how did you get my number" (again, no question mark, so Mickey) to which I never responded. Oh yahoo messenger, I had written the day before a sweet "I hope you get online soon! I miss you!" and a kissy emoticon. Armed with my new information, I got on there and wrote, "Disregard that last statement. Go fuck yourself instead." I felt strong and done with his nonsense. I hoped it would hit him like a rocket the way it hit me.

He got online and blabbered to me "what's going on I don't even know where that came from. I have no reason to hide anything and if you think I do then you can think what you like." blah blah blah. Well, I love him so much I WANT to believe him. I'd do ANYTHING for it not to be true, because it would confirm what an asshole he really is. So, what do I do? I apologize. I tell him I'm sorry I said that, that I wanted to talk to him. He seemed to care, which is what I wanted in the first place. He said he wanted to talk to me too and was leaving work but would be online the next day and can we talk then.

I thought and thought and thought about what to say. I didn't want to attack him any more than I had. There's a part of me that is hoping and praying he's not the asshole he's appearing to be.  I remembered all those women's articles on how to talk about your feelings---use "I" statements, they're honest and keep the other person from feeling defensive.  So I wrote, "I feel like I'm losing you. I feel like you haven't been truthful with me. Makes me scared. I don't want to lose you". He replied several hours later, saying he doesn't understand what's going on. "I'm sorry I don't have a phone to talk to you on right now. If you think I'm hiding things you can think what you want. What do I need to hide really?  I also had a friend say someone was talking some shit to him thinking it was me. I'm guess (sic) that was you"

I had fallen asleep and didn't see that he'd written. He obviously became impatient with my lack of response and said twenty minutes later, "I guess that (sic) it, no response. Next time I'll be able to talk with you would be wednesday I think".

I wrote back to him 7 hours later, "sorry, I fell asleep. I'll write more in the morning." Then that afternoon I wrote, "Let me know if you get online before Wed. I'm busy today", (meaning the day he last wrote) "but i'll be around tomorrow and the rest of the week to talk to you."

Today is Tuesday. He hasn't been online, hasn't posted any new tweets, but his Facebook is public now (I cancelled my friend request to him) and he mentions his new job.

My BFF has cautioned me not to say anything, that I have all the information I need. If I say anything further, I'm opening myself up to being attacked by him further. I can't handle it. I haven't been able to sleep, all I do is ruminate what to say to him. I know he wants me to explain myself while he's offline, so he can get online and read it, answer me, then jump offline again so he doesn't have to deal with me. He's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, my BFF tells me, and he wants to blame ME for putting the cookie jar there in the first place.

I haven't told my hubby about all this. Christmas is just days away, and I vascillate between telling Mickey what I know and getting it over with, and just staying silent. My BFF tells me as long as I stay silent, I have the power. He's left to squirm and wonder WTF is up with me. I think she's right---it's just so hard to do.

BTW I had told him a week ago that I would send him a Starbucks gift card so he could go in there and use their free WIFI to write me more. I sent it to him the day before all this happened, with a sexy card and I'd printed out pics of us and my new house and family and all. He should be getting it any time now. Wonder how it'll make him feel.

I guess I just want to see what he'll do. How much does he care? I want to be the one to dump him. He told me he's never been dumped. My BFF says I'll be the first, and he'll pine for me forever.

I'm sitting with that.

Two Guys in One Afternoon! That's what noontime wine will do

All it took for me to decide, Yes, I want to have sex with you, was that picture in my mind of me 20 years from now, all wrinkled and saggy. What would that future Anna have to say about it? Would she regret saying no, or regret saying yes? Only time will tell, but at that moment, I decided Future Anna would regret saying no. Cuz the day will come when guys like him won't be thinking "She's hot! I want to have sex with her!" when they see me. Soooooo.....until then.....the answer is yes.

I told him to forget meeting at a restaurant, just come straight to my house. I liked him already. We spent so much time texting I felt like I had gotten to know him well enough. I loved his sense of humor and self-deprecating way. That's always a huge turn on for me. Someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously.

He showed up early, and I was barely ready. I had on a sexy black lacy thing with stockings and garter, black spike heels. Hair and makeup all done, a pearl choker. He was cute, with these really full lips that got my motor running. He was sort of preppy-looking, a yellow button-down shirt, dress slacks and shoes, short blonde hair and really cute nerdy glasses. Very pretty blue eyes. Holding a glass of chilled chardonnay, I offered him one but he politely declined, as he had to go back to work soon.  I felt myself relaxing with each sip, and we stood in the kitchen making chit-chat. My dog sniffed him out and gave his approval LOL I glanced at the digital clock on my stove and quickly calculated that if I was going to get naked with him I'd better do it quick---I had a little more than an hour before I had to pick up my kids from school.

I had given him a tour of the house except for the upstairs, so I slyly suggested, "would you like to see the upstairs?" and he smiled and said, "sure!", knowing exactly what I meant. I took off my high heels, since I'm a klutz and knew I'd trip trying to climb the stairs wearing them. I quickly (and I mean quickly) showed him the rooms upstairs and then went into our bedroom. That is, mine and my husband's bedroom.

He didn't waste a second.  He took my face in his hands and started kissing me with those luscious full lips. And you know what kissing leads to.....unbuckling of belts, unbuttoning of shirts, and hands grabbing and groping body parts. It was fast and furious and I loved that he took charge. It wasn't long till we were both completely naked and he was gently kissing my breasts, his hands roving all over in a way that felt soooo good.

I was so pleased to see he was shaved. There's nothing worse than a mouthful of hair during a blow-job. I licked and sucked his cock while he held my hair in a tight ponytail so he could watch. Then he fliped me over. And I mean, literally, flipped me over. He picked me up the way you carry someone over the threshhold, and ever-so-gently flipped me over. He flicked his tongue all the way from my breasts down to my pussy, and stayed there till I almost came. Then he reached over for the condom, and put it on and flipped me over again. He grabbed me by my hips and pulled me close to him and thrust his big cock in me doggy-style. Damn it felt good. Then he flipped me over again, holding my legs in the air and shoving that big cock right in. My stupid dog was outside the bedroom door howling and barking the whole time--guess he thought I was in danger and he was trying to protect me. It was funny and annoying. 

He was great in bed and I am SO glad I said yes! We laughed when we were done, cuz let's face it, sex is hilarious, all that grunting and groaning we made my dog go crazy---making eye contact with our clothes back on was a little embarassing. We made more chit-chat and I walked him to the front door. As he kissed me goodbye, I said something like, "we should do this every Wednesday" and he said, "only Wednesdays? How about every day?" and I laughed and said how fun that would be. As he walked down the driveway, I wondered if my next-door neighbor saw him and what she'd think of it. 

I didn't have much time to think, cuz my hubby was right down the road. We'd texted each other a couple times while E was here, and my hubby had a great big hard-on waiting for his turn with me. Fortunately, I still had 20 minutes so we took full advantage of it! He was so turned on, and I was too, especially since I hadn't had an orgasm. My hubby took good care of me, and he gave me a full load doggy-style. What a fun afternoon!

So what's my fucking problem???

I've got a "date" at 12:30 today with a guy I met on this swingers' website. We exchanged phone numbers and we had some real intense chat a few weeks ago. As cute as he was, I wasn't happy with the fact that he was going to be cheating on his girlfriend with me. How is it that married swingers have morals and some single people don't??? Screwy, isn't it??

So I had basically told him, sorry, I'm not ok with that, and he was fine with it. I haven't talked to him since, and then last night, in a tipsy, horny moment, my hubby wrote him and set up a meeting between us today!  He texted me almost an hour ago and I haven't responded. So----what's my fucking problem??

Part of it is, i'm not feeling exceptionally sexy right now. I've gained 5 pounds (I'm still 127 and it's making me sooo crazy!!!) so that's not helping my confidence with a new partner. My hubby thinks I'm nuts but it's really the truth. I don't feel confident taking my clothes off, and I don't really feel sexy.  I also don't like the way my hair was cut 2 weeks ago. I don't look as good as the pics I sent him and that's what I always worry about when I see someone else's pics! You know, we always post the best pic of ourselves we can find, and they can be quite outdated.

The other truth is, I'd decided I didn't want to have sex with him, but my hubby wants me to. He was on his webcam last night and he is cute, but I'm not super-attracted to him. He's 25 and actually quite good-looking, but not really my type. (I like dark-haired guys, not really into blondes) but I'm being super picky. And I think, do I have a right to be so super picky?? I'm no spring chicken! I should be fucking thanking the stars that I've got the goods to attract such a cute young guy!!

So, I still don't know.

It's hard during the day, too. A glass of wine and I'd be like, "WTF let's go hot boy!!!" but it's 10:30 in the morning and I have trouble letting myself go there. I still can't believe I fucked that pilot that day--I just waltzed in the hotel, met him for the first time, and 10 minutes later I'm taking my clothes off. Half an hour after that, I'm back in my car, driving to the airport. Was that really me???

I still don't know. I gotta respond. Maybe I'll take a shower first, put on some music, and see if I can get into feeling better about my body. My hubby says I'm crazy, I look amazing. That's why I love him! But we girls can't feel good about ourselves if we've gained weight. I know---5 pounds isn't a big thing but it is to me. Is it just an excuse?? Does it have anything to do with my feelings for Mickey?

---sigh--

Mickey wants to move here! OMG!

Mickey and I had the most intense conversation yesterday we've ever had. He started writing me on Yahoo messenger yesterday afternoon, and it went off and on for about 5 hours.  I'm really happy but confused and sad all at the same time. He was lamenting his situation---reduced income due to loss of driver's license, looking for a new and better job than making pizzas, and moving here clear across the country to be near me! Yes, he's seriously considered it, and is still seriously considering it. I'm blown away. We talked about how that would affect my marriage. He's pretty sure it would break us up and I can't disagree, although I have absolutely no intention of leaving my hubby. I'm pretty crazy about him and I'd never choose Mickey over him. I did have a brief moment there a few years ago where I fantasized about being with Mickey 24/7, but I'm so glad I got over it! AND I'm soooo lucky my hubby understands how I feel about him and puts up with me. I guess it's cuz he knows he's #1 with me and Mickey will always be #2, even if sometimes it seems like it's the other way around.

The most amazing part of our conversation was my realization that he wasn't trying to be an asshole all this time--well, no one sets out to TRY to be an asshole--what I mean is, he was saying how he's never been in "this kind of situation before"---meaning, a threesome, emotionally and physically----and he doesn't know how to handle it most of the time. I think that explains all the weird and cruel shit he's done to me. I'm someone else's wife for god's sake! And if he's been in love with me all this time, he feels like shit loving and fucking another guys' wife. He doesn't know how my hubby handles it--he doesn't get how it's ok with him that I do that, that I'm fucking Mickey and other boys.  I feel so differently about everything now. I feel bad for Mickey and I'm angry at the same time for him not being able to talk to me about everything---but maybe he is growing up. He's talking to me now, and I'm so happy.

He also told me it used to bother him a lot that I slept with other guys! But now it doesn't, cuz he sees other girls so he has no right to stop me.  Without coming right out and saying it, I think he was telling me he has deep feelings for me. He said, if he moved here, he'd probably eventually meet someone and what would he do with his feelings for me?? He said marriage and kids is in the plan someday, and if it did, I told him I'd have to be ok with it and let him go. I'm not stupid--I can't give him that and I want him to be happy. He said he wouldn't want me to let him go! That he'd still want me in his life and he wouldn't know how to handle that. I don't have an answer for that, because I feel the same way. He wanted answers---like if I could reassure him things would be fine between me and my hubby and all he would move here. I finally told him, let's smoke some weed and talk it out all three of us. He said sounds great--he'll call collect soon and we'll chat.

He's asked to work at this particular pizza store where they have free WIFI so he can write me more!! yay!!! So he ended with he'll talk to me tonight. So that's 2 days in a row!!!

My best GF is too busy to talk. I need some advice!! Should he move here or shouldn't he? Readers? What do you think?

It's Raining Men!! Hallelujah!

WOW When it rains it pours, and baby, yesterday it poured! I realized last night, laying in bed after masturbating on the phone with Sam, that I'm involved with 5 guys (including my hubby). I was supposed to hook up with this military hottie I'd been chatting with on the website, but he never showed up, never called! LOL I didn't even care, I was really more annoyed than anything cuz I sat around waiting for him for like 3 hours and that really pissed me off. He'd texted me he would call or text me when he was on his way and I never heard from him after that. FUCK I was ticked off.

BUT----the 4 other guys totally made up for it! FIrst of all, B, the actor/model extraordinaire was chatting nasty stuff to me on Yahoo messenger. I was like whoa---you're still thinking about me?? Yay! I was sooo thrilled!! I haven't heard from him in months. He gets hotter and more sexier every time I hear from him. You have to know this about B--he is a new but somewhat famous actor on a TV show and is quite young and wealthy, not to mention a model with the most amazing body. He is on a billboard on Hollywood Blvd!!! So anyway, that was definitely a great choice to hook up with him. Too bad he didn't get me pregnant.

Ok, so I'm reeling with joy that B contacted me--and lo and behold, it's Mickey, who starts his IM with, "hi there pretty girl". OMG Mr. I-can't-express-any-feelings-whatsoever-or give-compliments has suddenly gotten very real. It's wonderful.  We wrote on yahoo messenger off and on for 6 hours!! SIX HOURS!!!!  He has no internet now, even sold his computer, cuz he lost his driver's license for a year for his speeding tickets. The only way we can communicate is by yahoo messenger, when he gets free wifi, on his iTouch. Sad, i know. But it's temporary. And I love love love how he's sneaking into Starbucks while he's at work to write me! He said that since he can't deliver pizzas anymore (cuzz he can't drive for a year) he's cooking instead, and occasionally they send him to other stores, and this one has WIFI so he can write me. He said he's going to ask if he can work there all the time---so he can write me!!!  So who is this new Mickey???? Hmmmm idk but I like him a whole lot better!!!

So, while I'm IM'ing B and Mickey, Sam texts me he wants to try phone sex with me. Sounds great to me! So as soon as the kids are in bed, I poured myself a glass of chardonnay, brushed my teeth, touseled by hair, and put on a sexy, lacy red negilgee to get in the mood. I lie and tell Mickey I need to call my GF, her mom's in the hospital (that part isn't a lie, but I didn't need to call her) cuz I don't want to lose our connection while I'm on the phone with Sam.

I'm texting my hubby at the same time all this is happening! B doesn't write anymore, so he's out for now, I tell Mickey I will BRB, and so I concentrate on Sam for about a half hour. It's the first time I've heard his voice, and it's thankfully sexy. I light a candle and turn off my nightstand lamp, and get cozy with my hand on my pussy, and Sam is telliing me what he's doing to that hard cock of his 1500 miles away.  Our voices are thick and heavy with passion as we whisper what we want to do to each other. I cum right away---I was horny all day since I thought Military Guy was coming over for a little afternoon delight. Sam didn't, and he was bothered by it, and he didn't believe I really did cum. I was like, dude, I am always horny. I don't fake my orgasms! Jeez!!! So he was like, ok, I'm sorry. I said it's ok, I get it, it's over the phone so no way to know for sure. We both agree tho that he should buy a fucking plane ticket and cum see me :)

I hung up to let Sam finish himself on his own. I was growing bored and wanted to get back to my conversation with Mickey, which resumed for another hour or so. It was getting very late, so I just said hey, I needed to get some sleep. I didn't want to sign off, I wanted to see what he was going to say, so I just kept the phone close by and fell asleep. Hours later I woke to go to the bathroom, and he'd written, "I've got to go, night sweetheart". SWEETHEART?????  WHEN HAS MICKEY EVER CALLED ME SWEETHEART??? wow so in one IM, I'm "pretty girl", "sexy girl", and "sweetheart". AND he's changing his job location (if he can) just so he can write me?? What's going on???

Who cares?!!!? I'm happy.

My hubby's happy.

Oh yeah. Life is good.

Webcam fun!

Sex and webcams---I just love technology, don't you???

My kids were doing their homework in the next room, and I was cooking dinner when I got a text from Sam--"get online--I'm on my webcam". I'm like, 'I can't, kids here", and he said, "just for 5 minutes, please?" so I grabbed my laptop and flipped it open and got online. There he was, in nothing more than a white towel wrapped around his waist, a mischievous smile on his darling face. This 24-year-old suitor danced seductively in his towel, alternating between giving me a full on view of his bobbing, half-hard cock and holding it in his hand. I was getting so turned on, I could feel myself getting wet for him. He wrote me as he danced, teasing me with his words as well: "I want you to suck this for me", as he'd hold his cock up for display. Then he'd let go and cover it with his towel, and give me a bad-little-boy grin, and spin around and show me his nice, round, hairless (thank you!) ass. Then he'd need reassurance: "do you like?" he'd ask, and flash open the towel to show me his genitals. "OMG baby I definitely like!" I'd write him back. I couldn't look away for a second.

Until one of my kids asked what that burning smell was in the kitchen!!

Mickey loves me?!

His exact words were, "I just love the way you are". I was so happy! I said, "yay! Really? What do you mean?" and he said, "It's something I can't describe, I just love the way you are." I don't remember everything that was said after that, I just feel the smile inside still. We had the closest we've ever really come to a genuine conversations (except when he was here). He said that when he comes here "maybe I'll tell you in person" ??? Does this mean he does truly love me back??? He just can't say it?

It all started around midnight (as usual). I was on my webcam with my Washington boy (I'll call him Sam). We were just chatting. He's 24, lives with his parents, and is really the hottest guy on this website so far. I was drinking wine and getting tipsy, and we were having a fun conversation and I started to take my clothes off for him. I was showing off my big breasts and giggling when all of a sudden, there's Mickey, wanting to click on and watch. (of course, he didn't know I was chatting with anyone else). So I allowed him, and suddenly I've got 2 guys watching me. It was so titillating, but confusing! Writing them back and forth as I sipped my wine and teased them visually. It was so fun tho. I was kind of pissed at Mickey so I was kind of ignoring him and giving Sam more attention. Mickey figured it out and asked me. I said yes, I was on webcam with a guy from Washington. He abruptly said, "I guess you don't need me then", and clicked off. I was so upset.Was it over between us? WTF???? Was he jealous?? Would I ever hear from him again? What just happened here?I got off cam with Sam and just fell asleep (thx to the wine).

I woke up a couple hours later, and saw Mickey was still offline. I was panicky, and still drunk. I IM'd him a barrage of, "I love you, next to my hubby, there's only you. You know that. I fucking tell you all the time I love you.  If you love me too just fucking tell me. I write you letters, you ignore them. You never tell me what you feel. I'm sick of the games. You make me crazy Mickey!" Then I lied. "the other guy was Hubby. I'm sorry."

Two hours later he's online, and writes me immediately and I awaken to the little chime. "I'm lost", he said. "What's wrong?" I wrote back, "I drank too much", and he said, "that's ok". I said, "forgive me?" and he said he was on his webcam and for me to get on mine.

It was 5:45 am my time, and i have to get up at 6:30 to take my kids to school! I'm soooo tired but I oblige. I tell him, "I was cuter 4 hours ago. Give me a minute LOL so I get up and look in the mirror and I still look pretty good. 

I go back to bed and flip open my laptop. We talk for about 45 min, during which this time he not only practically professes his love for me too but gives me a tour of his apartment. It was so cute. It was so nice seeing his face again. I haven't seen it since the day he left from his visit. I loved being open with him, and he wasn't as evasive as he usually is. He said he wanted to decorate our new house. I wanted to ask him more but didn't. Instead, we eventually got to talking our clothes off and masturbating for each other. It was very exciting, mmmmm yummy. I loved teasing him and knowing he was getting aroused---cuz I could see him stroking his very hard cock just for me. I actually made myself cum, and I had to get offline to get my kids up for school before he came! LOL 

So, I told my girlfriend the whole story. She's happy he's not as much an asshole as he seems (most of the time).

Mickey loves me.

I

New boytoys for me! yay!

My girlfriend agreed with me that accepting Mickey's crumbs is pathetic---but she understands how I feel about him. BUT.....I had to face facts. Mickey is now 1713 miles away, and as much as I want him here, he's non-commital about coming to visit. Hubby said we can buy him a plane ticket--yay! but he hasn't said yes yet. I'm not going to keep asking. (I mean begging). SO......I got on a cool website and I've found three hotties I've been IM'ing and texting! One guy lives in Washington, damn he's 24 and super hot. He got his webcam and we just chatted. What a doll!! So, we know we probly won't actually hook up cuz of the distance between us he is good for my ego. So young and so hot!

The second guy is cute too, just 23, but his first pics were much better than the recent ones he sent. I'm kinda ignoring him right now cuz someone ELSE is writing me---a very very hot 24 year old Latino with juicy full lips just like Mickey (sans the piercings).  I gave him my cell # and we started texting yesterday. He sent some more pics and I'm happy to say I like all the pics he sent, and he liked all of mine! He's the epitome of "tall, dark, and handsome"!! YUM!! I'm hoping to meet him soon!

When it rains it pours...my pilot called me last night, he's in town tonight and wants to hook up.  He's only here tonight and I can only get together during the day so that won't work. BLEH! But he sent me his schedule so we're going to hook up his next trip out in a few weeks :) yay!

So, yeah, Mickey, I'd rather have you. I've told you that time and again. Open invitation to live with me, come here and I'll make you happier than you've ever been. But I can't wait around anymore. It's too hard on me. When he writes me, i'm up. When he ignores me, I'm down. I need to move on. I will always drop everyone else if he decides to take me up on my offer!

OMG---Mickey "cums" through

Well I decided to stay online and visible and see if I got any crumbs....see Mickey works till very late and is awake all night long while I'm sleeping, and if I'm going to hear from him, it's going to be in the middle of the night. Sure enough--around 3:30 am he wrote, "LOL sorry no phone".  No response to the "are you ok?" question.  know you're wondering......so to answer your question, no, I didn't get an explanation.

So, I guess I believe him about the phone.

And obviously he's not dead or in jail.

And I have come to the realization that I, Anna, am addicted to Mickey and am happy getting crumbs. It truly is better than not getting anything.

Especially if those crumbs are sexy and complimentary.

OMG he was so graphic--he was obviously turned on and wanted me.  He was sooo delicious, and sooo nasty...telling me how he was going to blindfold me and make me suck his cock while my hubby fucked me....how he was going to tease me and pull me close as I came so I couldn't get away.....yes, I feel fulfilled....sad and pathetic huh? What can I say, that boy does something to me....I just can't get enough.

So....I sent him a pic of the guest room.....will he visit? I didn't ask. I'll wait till he suggests it. He knows I want him here.

Needless to say, I am in a great mood today. I got my crumbs. I said I wanted more, but the truth is, he's either incapable of more or unwilling to give more. I want him in my life. I'm happily married, so I know it can't go anywhere anyway. I will take what I can get.

OMG he's writing me again! yay! GTG.

An open letter to Mickey

Dear Mickey,

I have so many things I want to say to you I don’t know where to begin, but knowing you may never actually read this or even if you do you’ll never mention it to me makes me not even want to bother giving it to you. Maybe I’ll just write this to get it off my chest.

Do you have any idea how crazy you make me feel? Do you even care? No, you don’t. It’s just same old Mickey, different day, different year. I keep putting up with you but I have no idea why. Why do I love you? Why do I give a fuck about you? You are such an asshole. You really are.

Maybe you think being mysterious is attractive. At first maybe, but jeez, we’ve known each other for 6 years now, and it’s just plain annoying. One minute you’re online IM’ing me “hey sweetheart” and then a few days later you’re incognito, totally blowing me off. WTF??? Why?? I mean, I go from wondering if you’re upset with me to wondering if you’re dead or in jail. One day I’m worried and sad about you and the next I’m a raving lunatic filled with rage.

I really think I’m done with you once and for all now Mickey. I know I’ve said that to myself at least a thousand times, but I really am. You are cruel and you haven’t changed a fucking bit in all this time.

Three days ago we were talking about you moving out here with me. You had a lot of concerns and questions and I wanted you to know that I would do anything for you. Yes, anything.  I would move mountain and earth to have you here with me.

I have been wanting to put money in your account for weeks now, ever since you dropped your phone. I always want to help you. The only reason I didn’t is because I worried it would ruin our relationship. I know you don’t feel good taking money from me, and I know you’re capable of solving your own problems. You don’t need handouts from me to make you feel bad about yourself or dependant on me. I totally get that. 

What you don’t get is how when a person cares about another person, they are your friend and family. You want to do whatever you can for them--to make them happy. To make their lives more comfortable, to ease their pain, to help them through a hard time. And of course to be there to celebrate when things are going well. I am ALL that for you Mickey. And more.

It seems that whenever we get close, it scares you, and you run away. 

I’ve written you so many times and gotten no response from you that I’m just done. I can’t take your games anymore. I used to feel that as long as I had you in my life, however small a part, I was happy. Since you came to visit me, I feel differently. I want all of you, or most of you. I loved hanging out with you, I loved getting to know you, and talking to you and learning all about you. I didn’t like everything I saw, but I liked those parts of you simply because it was YOU. I’m just not content with the crumbs you keep tossing my way Mickey. 

Maybe you know you can’t give me more, or don’t want to, and by just disappearing into thin air is your way of sending me the message. Well I hear it, Mickey, loud and clear.

So, are you offline or invisible? Are you trying to tell me to leave you alone? Sure seems that way. Maybe it’s not all about me, I know you have a life, but if you won’t share it with me how the fuck am I supposed to know?? I asked you if you were seeing someone. That went unanswered, as usual. Then I simply said “hi” to you, and you immediately clicked offline and haven’t been on since. How am I not to think it’s a message to me to leave you alone? What gets me is, WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE?????????

I also think you’re lying to me about not having a phone. You told me two weeks ago that I "shouldn't even ask" if you had a phone cuz I should know you didn't have the money to replace it. Well, that was two weeks ago. You think I’m so fucking gullible, don’t you? You’re offline cuz you have a phone now. Yes, I tried calling your number, and it’s been disconnected. You told me you change your number all the time so I’m pretty sure that’s what you’ve done. If you have a phone now you don’t need yahoo messenger, and I can’t contact you except by email. Which you probably wouldn’t read anyway. You’d see it was from me and just delete it. By the way, who besides you changes their phone number the way you do? No one. I don’t know anyone who likes to change their phone number. It is so disruptive, and tedious. I think you do that cuz you really don’t have anyone in your life you care about anyway. You are always running away from people who care about you. You get a new number and new people. Throw away everyone who came before and start over. That’s you Mickey.

I ask myself what to do now. Give you the benefit of the doubt and write you? I am tempted of course to do just that because that is what I do with you. That is our relationship. You treat me like shit and I take it. Over and over and over. You give me attention in crumbs and because I love you I live for those crumbs. I can’t live like this anymore. I feel like I’d rather not have any of you if I can’t have more.

I’ve taught you how to treat me. I’ve taught you that I’m ok with crumbs and that’s all you have to give me to have me. That’s not really how I feel anymore.

If you’ve met someone, good for you. I want you to be happy. I know I don’t have a future with you, I can’t be everything you need me to be. You're half my age. I know sooner or later it’s gonna happen so maybe you’re doing me a favor by ending things with me now. I just don’t know what things always have to end badly with you. Why can’t you be a man and tell me straight out?

I think it’s cuz you aren’t really certain what you want. If you string me along, you know I’ll be there when you change your mind. Because you will break her heart and everyone else’s, cuz that’s what you do. And I’m always there when you do, and I always take you back.

And maybe I will Mickey, and maybe I won’t. I really can’t take your shit another day. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to play games with you anymore. I just think I’m worth more than that. 

His Response is----No Response

As quickly as Mickey disappeared offscreen last post, he came back on. Five longs days he stayed offline (or invisible) he just popped back on and wrote me. As usual, it was after midnight when his IM came in. The little pop-up sound woke me and I was thrilled (of course) to see it was him. I decided to chill and went back to sleep. I woke up at 2 am and responded hello. He said he was alone, smoking pot, and he seemed really playful and happy. Just the Mickey I love. He sent me the cutest little happy face, you know, made with asterisks, semi-colons, all those little font-things ( I don't know what they're called). Then a lull, like an hour and a half lull where I fall in and out of sleep, straining to hear the IM sound.

The day before I had emailed him pictures of our guest room in our new house---I very much want him to come visit---Hubby said I could pay for his plane ticket again---so I spent the whole weekend emptying boxes, carrying boxes, and the room is gorgeous. He wrote simply "sweet" about it. So, I thought, hmmm, yeah!! Maybe I can buy his ticket today! But as usual, he didn't say anything more about it.


I had tried to make him jealous last week by mentioning that I'd met someone here, and he knew I meant a playmate. He then said, "guess you don't need me anymore." That couldn't be farther from the truth! I told him, "you know I'd rather have you. I'm just keeping myself busy till you come back to me." He of course let that sentence hang in the air and dissipate like all the other emotion-laden sentences I say to him.

So---my girlfriend said, "let him know nothing's happening with this other guy." Cuz unfortunately it's true---that hot grocery checker is a high school senior so he's probly not even 18! So I used that moment to tell Mickey about it. Last thing he said to me was, "LOL you do like the young ones." I said, "that's too young! " then, a loaded question----"what about you? are you seeing anyone?" and of course no response.

Half hour later, I wrote, Still there? no response.

The next day, I wrote simply hi. No response.

That afternoon, I wrote, Hi Mickey with a smiley face.

It's been 3 days. No response.

WTF??? I'm so sick and tired of these games.

My girlfriend said to me very gently,"I think he's lying to you about not having a phone." I told her I'd already thought of it.


We had had a conversation a few days before about him moving here. It was pretty heavy...I was pretty insistent that I wanted him here and that I'd do anything to help him. He kept peppering me with roadblocks, like "but how would I get my stuff there?" and of course I had an answer for every single one.I got the impression he really wants to move here but it's logistics that's keeping him stuck for now, not emotion. But maybe I was way wrong.

I'm done, I'm really done. I can't take it anymore.

Out of sight but not out of mind

Mickey has been offline (or online and invisible, don't know which) all weekend. SO......that means one of a few things....he's seeing someone, his computer's broken, he doesn't want to talk to me, or.....???? I wish I didn't care. I wish I was busier right now and didn't notice. I think that's what pisses me off the most. So, I made myself invisible on yahoo messenger too.

The worst part is, when he finally does write me, he won't explain, and I can't ask.

FUCK!