So what's my fucking problem???

I've got a "date" at 12:30 today with a guy I met on this swingers' website. We exchanged phone numbers and we had some real intense chat a few weeks ago. As cute as he was, I wasn't happy with the fact that he was going to be cheating on his girlfriend with me. How is it that married swingers have morals and some single people don't??? Screwy, isn't it??

So I had basically told him, sorry, I'm not ok with that, and he was fine with it. I haven't talked to him since, and then last night, in a tipsy, horny moment, my hubby wrote him and set up a meeting between us today!  He texted me almost an hour ago and I haven't responded. So----what's my fucking problem??

Part of it is, i'm not feeling exceptionally sexy right now. I've gained 5 pounds (I'm still 127 and it's making me sooo crazy!!!) so that's not helping my confidence with a new partner. My hubby thinks I'm nuts but it's really the truth. I don't feel confident taking my clothes off, and I don't really feel sexy.  I also don't like the way my hair was cut 2 weeks ago. I don't look as good as the pics I sent him and that's what I always worry about when I see someone else's pics! You know, we always post the best pic of ourselves we can find, and they can be quite outdated.

The other truth is, I'd decided I didn't want to have sex with him, but my hubby wants me to. He was on his webcam last night and he is cute, but I'm not super-attracted to him. He's 25 and actually quite good-looking, but not really my type. (I like dark-haired guys, not really into blondes) but I'm being super picky. And I think, do I have a right to be so super picky?? I'm no spring chicken! I should be fucking thanking the stars that I've got the goods to attract such a cute young guy!!

So, I still don't know.

It's hard during the day, too. A glass of wine and I'd be like, "WTF let's go hot boy!!!" but it's 10:30 in the morning and I have trouble letting myself go there. I still can't believe I fucked that pilot that day--I just waltzed in the hotel, met him for the first time, and 10 minutes later I'm taking my clothes off. Half an hour after that, I'm back in my car, driving to the airport. Was that really me???

I still don't know. I gotta respond. Maybe I'll take a shower first, put on some music, and see if I can get into feeling better about my body. My hubby says I'm crazy, I look amazing. That's why I love him! But we girls can't feel good about ourselves if we've gained weight. I know---5 pounds isn't a big thing but it is to me. Is it just an excuse?? Does it have anything to do with my feelings for Mickey?

---sigh--