Young stud in my bed

I have been itching to sit down and tell you about my Saturday night! OMG Ok so I've been on OKCupid for about a month, and I've chatted with a handful of guys who it always seems to look significantly LESS cute than their profile pics! So I was very excited when I met a guy I'll call Jordan. His profile pic was too good to be true, I assumed, but I was instantly wet just looking at it. Tall and skinny and full of tattoos. Gauged ears. A musician. I fell hard fast, and was so happy to have my affections reciprocated! He started writing me immediately and within one day, I'd given him my cell number and we were texting like wildfire. He wanted to come see me THAT SAME NIGHT. Now you know how many flakes I've met on these dating websites--all these guys seem to want are pics to jack off to so I was very excited that it seemed this incredible, 24-year-old hottie was the real deal!!! I loved the way he talked to me. "You are so sexy." He even invited me to go to HIS BBQ with his family. He seemed the most open person I've met in a long time. We were connecting emotionally, not just physically with every text. He was sooo cute--he was texting me, "I've never done this, you sure your husband's ok with this? I've never done this before." That sort of thing. It was adorable. I couldn't wait to have him naked.

We were having a BBQ with a group of friends over, and despite living an hour away, he was persistent that it wasn't a big deal and that I was totally worth it! When did I want him?? I checked with my hubby and he said, "tell him to come right now!" I was like OMG wow!! So I gave him my address and lo and behold, he texted me he was on his way. I got so excited I was jumping out of my skin! And he actually showed up! I walked out the front door and met him on the driveway and he kissed me on the lips immediately. I had had too much to drink and should've just kept kissing him but stupid me was worried we'd be seen (we had vanilla friends over) so I took him by the hand out to greet everyone. He was so nervous but he said I made him feel so comfortable right away. I pulled up a chair for him next to me. My friends are awesome; everyone just chatted away and drank BUT my tennis partner was insistent--"How is it you two know each other???" She must've pressed that question three times. We both innocently just said how we are both musicians and have mutual friends, etc. She wasn't buying it. I love her to death as a friend but don't trust her with my secret love life so I just kept insisting we had mutual friends, etc. I knew he was nervous and uncomfortable--everyone there was twice his age--but he seemed to just be at ease as everyone was so nice otherwise. He didn't drink anything, and we'd all been drinking for about 8 hours then someone poured me Tito's in my wine glass and that got me drunker quick. BUT not so drunk I wasn't fully aware of all the fun I was about to have with my skinny guy upstairs! 

After maybe 15-20 min, I said to him, "Hey, want a tour?" even though I'd given him a tour of the house when he first arrived LOL He loved our music room with all our guitars and equipment. I asked him about his guitars--he said he had 13--one for every year he'd been playing. That was impressive!!!

He was so polite and just the nicest guy I'd met in a long time. He was Mickey but better. I loved his nerdy glasses (and told him so) and this otherwise total metalhead. Skinny black jeans, cut off shirt, gauged ears and full of tats. A ballcap on backwards. His hair was up in some sort of messy thing, but I'd remembered from his profile pic that it was waist-length. I couldn't wait to see it down. And I couldn't wait to see his 9-inch dick up close and personal. He'd send me a pic, it was amazing--him laying down holding it---damn what is it about these little guys with big dicks???? ;)))

We walked upstairs hand-in-hand. I led him to our bedroom and we took all our clothes off. He wasn't the frantic, ripping them off type of guy. He just methodically took everything off, and I did the same. I was pretty drunk and I get very lovey-dovey. He took my face in his hands and kissed me so softly and lusciously, not hard and desperate. Just very loving. He was passionate and every move was soft and sweet. He was so delicious. I can't stop thinking about when he was on top of me and let his hair down. It fell to the side like a beautiful waterfall, tickling my arm and face so seductively. He was so skinny and tiny, not tall like his pic at all. Our bodies fit so perfectly together. Like Mickey, I could put my arm around his waist completely and hold him tight while I was on top fucking him. It was so awesome. We fucked for about 2 hours, and he came inside me. No condom. We discussed it earlier--we are both clean and have been tested. 

After he came we laid there naked, talking (about WHAT I have no idea but I know it was deep) and we were really connecting. I had to pee and I was sad and disappointed that he took that as a cue he should leave! I didn't want him to!!!! I said, 'no please stay I just have to go to the bathroom" but he was worried about how late it was getting--he has a young son and needed to pick him up in the morning. Sadly he got dressed them and so did I, and I walked him downstairs and out to the driveway and we kissed and hugged goodbye. I went back in the house, up to our bedroom, and my hubby was laying in bed in Jordan's place, naked with a big hard dick waiting for me. He fucked me so hard, he was so turned on by me and my new boy and came fast. I knew I wouldn't be able to walk the next day. Two big dicks in one night. 

He was so cute, he texted me when he got home, and told me, "you have such a loving soul and are easy to talk to." He said something about me having "broken down my walls a bit" and how he "keeps that part of me hidden." So I got the feeling we really did connect and that I would see him again, that maybe, he would become a bigger part of my life.

But I haven't heard from him since. I know, it's only been a day, but I texted him yesterday morning the pic my friend took of us and this simple text, "Thx again for driving over. It was great meeting you. Have a great day with (his son's name)." with a heart smiley face. AND I sent a Snapchat of just me after showering and all looking pretty with a "hi". Nothing. So...this is making me very uneasy. I'm worried I came on too strong. So, here I am again, pulling back and waiting to see what my new guy does. Sigh.

And BTW J. is completely AWOL. Two weeks now, not a peep. I have all but forgotten about him with my new crush Jordan. Time will tell.

Happy Monday everyone!

My new guy is a masochist--HELP!

I need some advice from my dear readers! J (previously nicknamed "Jay" but I've changed it since someone wrote me worried it was their husband!!!! My J is divorced with no kids so no, he's not your husband BUT from here on out I will address him as simply "J") and I have had some serious sexting going on and frankly, as attracted to him as I am, I'm getting some scary vibes. I don't know if it's naive me or actual "hey, pay attention girl" kind of vibes so I'm tossing this out there for some advice. I think I'm out of my league here.

I have known since we met that he's a "sub". I think I kinda knew what that meant (generally speaking) but this guys seems to have more experience in this area than I'm probably comfortable with. But--I'm still intrigued and can't wait to get naked with him. However--I've just had some thoughts that I want to share with you and see if I'm reading things clearly.

First of all, it occurred to me yesterday that when I meet someone new that I'm sexually interested in, usually the conversation quickly goes quite graphic in descriptions of what we want to do to one another, such as, "I can't wait to push my breasts in your face and have you suck my nipples" and "I can't wait to shove my dick in your wet pussy and release my load." Shit like that. Yeah, common stuff. NBD. 

This guy J has NOT talked like this to me yet. He has said a few things about having sex with both hubby and me like, "I want you to sit on my face and suck your husband's cock while I eat you out" and that's nice BUT I wonder if he likes regular sex???

More info needed here.....he talks constantly about being humiliated, and serving us. He begs me, "what do you want to make me do?" and he'll suggest something I hadn't thought of (duh--no experience here) like, "draw your bath and wash your backs." That's nice! OOOOOO I could get into that! But THEN it goes dark. He said, "I get turned on being laughed at. Humiliated. Deprive me of pleasure." WTF Uh oh Miss NaughtyAnna is out of her comfort zone.

But don't get me wrong--I'd like to try it with him. Hubby thinks it sounds titillating. I Googled "masochist" yesterday and I got frightened about the spectrum of things a masochist can and will do. I know that with Mickey we went out of the boundaries of safety a few times and it was very exciting, so I'm not opposed to giving it a try. I just need someone who's into it to give me some advice on how to proceed. I'm too sweet and loving to make fun of someone. We must be mismatched but I am crushing hard on him and want to please him too.

The far end of the spectrum I guess goes into some gross bodily function stuff like being defecated upon. I would throw up. I DO NOT WANT ANY PART OF THAT. I think that's Lady Gaga and her regurgitation performance, did you see that? She calls it "art". I call it "disgusting" and "a complete turnoff."

I am not really a kinky girl, I just like sex with lots of different people!! I don't need to hang from the ceiling or be tied up to enjoy the flesh with another human being. I really like this guy; he's a southern gentleman in every other way. He's very polite and calls and texts me and he's just as sweet as apple pie.

Until, obviously, he's naked.

Awesome comment accidentally deleted.....and other stuff

I am a lamer and accidentally deleted a great comment by one of you amazing readers and hope you see this and don't mind writing it again for us. So from now on I'm changing the settings on this blog to let comments just publish themselves rather than going through me. I'm clearly technologically challenged. My sincerest apologies to the author.

Aside from my lameness.....

I love how some men can't stay away for long.....Jake---who did what immature Mickey could not do and that's let me know when he began dating someone seriously--decided last night to follow one of my Twitter accounts. My "safe" one! So that's fun. He looks amazing. In a suit. So I had to private message him how hot he looked. That was a fun surprise I woke up to this morning! And last night, I opened my iPad to read my book at bedtime and there was a message from guess who--Mister Ghost Alcoholic Jay who was on his Skype two hours earlier: "hey baby are you there?" What an ass. I ignored it. He's gonna have to try harder than "hey baby" three weeks after he ignored our evening plans and never responded. Fuck him.

I'm texting two other hotties right now that I "met" on OK Cupid; one's 19 and lives in New Jersey but his father lives nearby and he's planning a visit this summer so we will see if he lasts that long hahahahha. The other lives a lot closer and REALLY wants to meet me. I'm not sure if I'm as crazy about him as he is about me so I'm hesitant. BUT he passed a huge test by being only one of two guys who wished me a happy mother's day. He and Allen. He doesn't know it but that was huge. In the 10 years I've been involved with Mickey, he stopped wishing me happy birthdays and mother's day and most holidays years ago, except for Christmas and New Year's.

I have not heard from Mickey and have absolutely no desire to text or contact him at all. Even in my drunken moments!! LOL He and Jay were #1 and now they are last place. That's what I love about OK Cupid....the cute guys are out there and just waiting to meet someone like me who will show up and have a good time with them!

I'm getting a little bit of my swag back....the weather's been erratic but I've been running and hitting the gym much harder AND eating much healthier. I haven't lost but a pound but knowing I'm taking better care of myself I feel sexier and happier already.  I'm on this super-clean diet and I feel so much more energy already. Yay!!!

BUT......

I still haven't found a woman to play with for my hubby.  I have been trying. I am learning that flakiness is not specific to the male gender. Women play games with me just as much. So frustrating.

Have a good weekend everyone! Stay honest and use those condoms!!!!!

Douche bag alert

So we're trying out this "OK Cupid" dating website, and I'm not some doe-eyed newbie. I've done the "cougarlife.com" and "Adult Friend Finder" dating websites, so I know how these things work. And I always say, hey, I'm easy, but I'm not THAT easy. 

So I met this guy on OKCupid, he's 24, lives near me and a complete hottie. We have been texting back and forth and agreed to meet this week. Last we spoke it was we would be checking our schedules and setting up a day and time to meet. So, this is where I sit back and see how interested the guy really is. If I have to be the first to text and convince him to meet me, it's not good. I wait for the text and then proceed. This is where it always stops. I swear I don't know what the fuck is wrong with these guys! Why the fuck are they even on these dating websites if they don't want to get laid??? What more does a girl have to do???

Case in point--this guy I'm talking about we'll call Mitch. So, a few days go by, and I'm waiting to see if he's going to make the first move to meet me. Two days ago I get this: "Yo". 

Yes, "Yo".

I did what any self-respecting girl would do. Ignore it.

A day later (yesterday) I was thinking about him, how hot he is and that I'd still like to get it on with him, and thought, "hmmm, he needs a little guidance here. I'll give it to him" and I wrote, "I really like you but I don't do "YO" lol" then a second text, "I'll give you another chance" with a kiss emoticon. You won't believe what he wrote back! "Pfff"
He's toast. I'm done. What an asshole.

I double-checked my reaction with my BFF and she reassured me what he did was disrespectful and at the very least crass. I told her, "I'm easy but shit if I allow "YO" and I haven't even met the guy????" She concurred. I said, "I'm not one of his "homies". I'm a lady. Just because I'm easy doesn't mean you can disrespect me. If I allow THIS, it will let him know I have absolutely no self-respect whatsoever." She agreed.

I laid in bed thinking about it all and imagined a conversation between him and a buddy about it.

Mitch: "Dude this hot girl totally blew me off. I'm so bummed. She was gonna meet me this week and fuck me."

Buddy: "Dude what happened?"

Mitch: "I have no idea."

Buddy: "Whadday mean you have no idea? What'd she say?"

Mitch: "Dude we were supposed to meet this week. I hadn't heard from her so I just texted her and next thing I know she's totally pissed off!"

Buddy: "Why would she be pissed off? Dude what did you say?"

Mitch: "I just wrote "yo" and she got totally pissed off"

Buddy: "You wrote "Yo"?? WTF? Seriously dude? OMG"

Mitch: "What's the problem? I write "Yo" all the time"

Buddy: "To ME you douche bag! You don't write a hot girl "Yo"!! What the fuck is wrong with you??"

Mitch: "Shit."

Buddy: "What did she say?"

Mitch: " She said, 'I really like you but I don't do "yo". I'll give you another chance" and she wrote this little kiss emoticon."

Buddy: "Shit you're one lucky sonofabitch. What did you write back? When are you meeting her??"

Mitch: "Meeting her? Fuck no! I wrote, "pfff" fuck her!"

Buddy: "You're an asshole and a douche bag. Do you know that?"

Mitch: "Fuck you too."

This is what I imagine happened. Makes me feel better anyway. Because regardless of his youth, his inexperience, I've been involved with guys younger than him that know how to treat a lady. And yeah, maybe I over-reacted, but I don't think so. 

Readers? What do you think?

Rough month

SO much has been going on I haven't had a chance to get y'all caught up. I guess I'll get the bad stuff out of the way.....my beloved mother passed away two weeks ago. I jumped on the very first plane out because my brother called me and said she'd slipped into a coma and for me to get there ASAP. I spent 4 days with her and my family at her bedside and she passed away a few hours after we went home for the evening (doctors had said she could go at any minute or it could be weeks). We did a lot of sobbing and talking while I was there and now I'm pretty much in zombie-mode, just keeping busy so I don't fall apart. I will write about her when I am ready. For now, I just want to keep busy.

And part of keeping busy is keeping the hot boys coming. Or should I say "cumming"??? LOL

You have to excuse me; what I've been through these last few weeks have made me  cynical, angry, and more hedonistic than ever. Life is short. I know where we are all headed. I am planning on having as much fun as possible and denying pleasure doesn't make sense to me.

My hubby and I decided to get an OkCupid account, and what fun we are having! We are both logged in on our phones, so anytime someone writes we both get notifications. The profile pic is just me but it's a couples' profile so everyone knows we are together. I have gotten some amazing guys writing me, and i've exchanged phone numbers with a couple. One is 21 with a kid (he's amazing, I really like talking to him) and another is 20 and quite a hottie too. I've been trying to make dates with them and it's so funny how intimidated these young guys are. My hubby just wants to shake them and say, "She's REAL! And she's really nice! Stop worrying!!"

Oh, and btw in case you're wondering, "Jay" has gone AWOL. What an ass. We Skyped when I got back from my trip and he was all gaga over me as usual, but when it comes time to actually get together, he stops texting. I'm SO done with him. I last sent him a sexy pic of me over the weekend and he didn't ever respond. FUCK HIM. And for the record, FUCK MICKEY TOO. We texted while I was in California and my BFF and I went out and I got drunk two days after my mom passed away. I guess I said too much to Mickey and he freaked out. I haven't heard from him since.

What did I say to him you might be wondering? Well, he baited me. He said, "Why are you still so into me when we hardly ever see each other." I should've just said, 'Cuz you're fucking hot" but NOOOOOO the Grey Goose Citron answered, "Cuz you're into me too. You always come back to me. Two years I don't hear from you. Your GF breaks up with you and you run back to me. You always run back to me." And that made him run away from me. I had to laugh. Whatever. I don't really care. He's changed; he's started working out big time and I actually don't like the way he looks anymore! LOL He went from skinny hot rocker boy with all the tats and piercings to big bodybuilder guy. He looks too much like my son now. Ew. Combine that with his arrogance and I'm really not attracted to him anymore. It's just the connection we USED to have. I thought for a long time he really loved me, just didn't know how to express it, but now the way he's been talking lately I feel like WTF why do YOU bother texting ME?? I don't have the energy to give a shit about Jay or Mickey anymore. I really don't. 

There's nothing like losing your mom to feel that bitch-slap up the side of the head that some people just aren't worth your time.

If either of these two new hotties pan out, I'll give them names and keep you updated. For now, we are just flirting like crazy and it is fun, but I get tired of all the of it and then it doesn't lead anywhere. I"m not getting any cuter or younger and I'm annoyed that guys who say they want hot sex with a willing girl really don't want hot sex with a willing girl. I don't know what they want! But I'm real and I'm here and I don't play games. I think guys just don't know how to handle me. They're so used to bitches and drama queens. It's pathetic. 

OH, and yeah, trying to get a girl to join us too to keep hubby happy. How do I feel about it? No different than I ever did, but trying to get over it. I'm numb now and don't really feel much of anything right now, my heart is broken over losing my mom. Sex is just pleasure of the flesh. If someone wants my heart they are going to have to work pretty fucking hard to get it, but it's turned to ice for now.  Oh, and Allen has been a sweetheart through all of this, texting me every few days, asking me how I'm doing. Mickey?? The only thing is said was, "Noooooo! I'm so sorry!" when I told him about my mom, and then the conversation I mentioned earlier. I'm planning on a little fun with my Allen. And did I forget to mention he's looking better than ever??? MMMM sent me new selfies. Yum yum yum. Did I tell you he's a dead ringer for actor Charlie Hunnam from "Sons of Anarchy"? Yes he is! I even sent him pics of the guy to him and he was like, "damn it's like looking in a mirror!!" So you can see why I'm hooked on him!

I'll keep you posted. Have a good week and happy hump day everyone!

Falling hard for someone new

Two Saturdays ago, I met someone who has temporarily made me completely forget Mickey. And I mean, COMPLETELY. Who, by the way, has been Snapchatting me quite a bit. And I am finding myself so annoyed because it's not this new guy. I'll call him Jay.

I met Jay out with hubby and friends at our favorite watering hole, a dive place on a lake that just is super fun. My friend's band was playing, so we went to support the band (we fellow band people do this for each other). They played all those cheesy 70's hits like "Brick House" and shit. We had just gotten there and were standing around drinking and chatting when this REALLY HOT GUY comes over and takes my hand and asks me to dance. I looked up at hubby and asked his permission (super sexy, and respectful) and he gave me his blessing and off we went. Jay and I burned up the dance floor. He was like fucking "Dancing with the Stars" type of dancer. Spinning me around, tango-ing and dipping me like a chip in hot sauce. It was FUN!!!!!! Too many songs in a row to count later, sweaty and thirsty, we went back to our group of friends. I don't know who he was with, but he came over and sipped out of my drink by mistake. Turns out we drink the SAME DRINK--GREY GOOSE AND RED BULL! It was a cute moment. Our eyes met at this realization and knew it was fate. LOL well I did anyways!

It was too loud to really chat, but we did take some selfies. I HAD to have a pic of him. I then said, "Give me your phone number. I'll send the best one to you." He said, 'Do you want to just send me the pic or keep texting me?" I looked up at him and said, "Keep texting you!" He smiled and gave me his number. I sent him one of the pics of us. I don't remember much of what happened next, but next thing I knew, hubby had grabbed my hand and was saying "bye" to everyone, "We gotta go!" and I looked at Jay and kissed him right on the mouth. It was short and sweet and I said "bye" and hubby dragged me out. I guess it was getting late and he was trying to keep me from getting too drunk.

Jay called and texted me for the next several hours, asking me to come meet him at yet another bar. I loved seeing his desperate calls for me while I fucked my hubby hard. Jay's texts finally stopped and they picked up first thing in the morning, and kept up all week. One night he asked to Skype and I was hesitant; told him I didn't feel comfortable being "that intimate" with him so soon and he laughed and said we could just text on it. I said I didn't know that cuz I've done the video chatting before! 

With hubby out of town, and me taking a bath, we chatted on Skype for about 2 hours. We said a lot, I got to know him a little bit better and vice versa. I didn't say too much about my past other than hubby and I were currently monogamous but had been talking about opening the marriage again. He basically said he'd been "owned" by a married couple for 2 years, being their "sub" and would my hubby and I like that? I said "OMG absolutely sounds wonderful." He told me some nasty things they did and would I like that? We left it on a great note and he continued to text me all week.

Then Saturday night came.

I texted him at 10:30 am that I was free that night and that I'd like to get together for drinks. We didn't make definite plans, but agreed to meet. Some friends wanted us to meet in city X but he said "too far", so hubby and I got everyone to agree to go to city Y which was right in his neighborhood.

HE NEVER SHOWED UP.

He had been texting me all afternoon/evening, saying he was already drunk. He last wrote around 9 pm saying he was going to try to sober up so we could "have some fun."
I never heard back that night from him. 

Sunday morning, he texted first thing and apologized. I was SO glad. We chatted for a little while back and forth. Nothing big. Just the weather and that as it's getting nice I like to wear sundresses. "without panties?" he asked. "Yes" I answered. We chatted a little more and then lastly I said, "Let's get together soon" with a kiss emoticon.

I haven't heard from him since.

WTF????

SIgh.

Why do you guys do this to us?????

Oh MIckey, you're so fine you blow my mind

Hello all you sexy peeps how have you all been? I haven't forgotten about you! No, no, no, not at all. Just because we aren't actively swinging right now doesn't mean all is boring here. Mickey popped up out of the woodwork again last night after a long hiatus, which is Mickey's MO. Last I heard from him was that two-word response Jan 31st: "happy new year." That was it. So lo and behold how nice it was last night, I got to the gym for my tennis league and I was putting my things in my locker. I had my phone out still and BOOM there it is, his name with the sexy lip emoticon next to it, and the message, "hey, it's Mickey." I smiled a huge smile, staring at his words, and put my phone in my locker and shut the door and went to tennis. I wasn't sure how to respond; I always pick and choose my words to him so carefully. I just decided to go play tennis and think about it.  When I did finally write him back an hour and a half later, I texted what I would normally say: "hey sexy man how are you?" And it took him another hour and a half to write ME back.

As they say, let the games begin.

We chatted back and forth, and as usual, he says very little. He throws me crumbs, and I gobble them up like a hungry pigeon. He just said he was in Washington visiting his mom "tonight". My brain heard "Washington" and of course thanks to my stalking of him my brain lit up immediately and it registered "Washington" as meaning, "trying to get that girl back that just dumped me." Yes, I'm smarter than he knows. But the point here is my friends, he ALWAYS comes back to me. ALWAYS. 

I wish I knew what he wanted. I really don't know. Am I just an ego-booster to him? Just someone to pass the time with till something better comes along, or does he really care about me? I have no idea. I do know that I don't NEED his crumbs anymore. Oh, I like them very much indeed, but I don't NEED them the way I did. I don't keep checking my phone to see if he's texted, or over think "why isn't he texting?" I don't really care. They're nice when they come and I don't really think too much beyond that. It feels so much less constricting. 

So anyways, we chatted a little, I always say too much. He told me he was looking for a new job (so what else is new?) and that he will be helping a friend move at the end of March--back to the city in California where we both lived! And ironically, I am going to California to see my mom this month too!!! My little heart started fluttering, just thinking about seeing him in two weeks. It's been over 3 years since we've seen each other. Of course, he back-pedaled and said he wasn't sure what his plans were "exactly" and that it "isn't up to me" because he's helping his friend move and that he was pretty sure they were going the last week in March. I'm going next weekend. He could change his plans if he really wanted to see me. It's that simple. I'm not stupid. Well, yes I am, because I'm always the one pulling him to change. He didn't offer, "WOW well let me see what I can do, I'd love to see you! Maybe he'd be willing to go two weeks earlier!!!" No, he did not. I will keep telling myself that.

Aside from Mr. Mickey, I am doing GREAT! LIfe is sweet these days. Hubby and I are doing very very well. I was able to fully forgive him and he is just amazing. Yes of course I will still always have the trauma, and the triggers, and of course the marriage will never be innocent again. The damage is done, and he has to live with what he's done to me FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. ON HIS DEATHBED HE WILL HAVE REGRETS. 

BUT--having said that, he is a changed man. I have changed too; I am much wiser now and much, much stronger. Having been able to truly forgive him has made such a huge difference. I did it for ME. I was having a really bad December; November wasn't much better. I was having so much trouble with certain things he did (like bringing his whore here to meet my children, have sex with me, yeah, was having real trouble with that) and I was getting to the point where I thought, I either need to forgive him or leave him. 

I still go to therapy every other week, and I'd been working on forgiveness. But like converting to a new religion, it just wasn't happening to me. I just wasn't feeling it. And the harder I tried, the more elusive it became. I started obsessing again, using my fake Facebook profile to stalk her. Hours wasted reading and re-reading her stupid profile for signs of her commenting on our life. Of course there was none. She's just the same old bitch she always was, only I was too trusting and naive to see it. 

What finally pushed me over the edge is something I still haven't told my hubby about. I Googled her one day, and the very first thing that comes up is a website outing cheaters! I didn't remember doing so, but I had outed her publicly, full birth name and all, and told the world in print what a sociopathic scumbag she really was. I began to shake when I saw that she'd responded with a fake name that she was "single" (as if it made that any more honorable??? See what I mean????) and that my husband wouldn't have cheated if I'd "given him something to come home to." Nice. 

I began to shake uncontrollably and thought I was going to pass out. I had to get up and walk around the house and calm myself down. I was so angry. I had no one to lash out at. I decided to email the webhost and ask them to remove it. I did, and then did some more research and found out the only way to have it removed was to hire a lawyer and pay about $400-500 to have it removed. I began to really panic. It didn't specify when she'd commented. It couldn't been two years ago (when I wrote it) or recently. I had no idea. I still don't. And I thought, I'll be the better person. I'll hire a lawyer and remove it.

Only I don't have $500. And WTF she deserves it. SHE can pay the $500 to get her "good name" back. HAHHAHAHAH And after a few days when this epiphany came to me I felt much better. I felt like I got the last word. She may have insulted me, but anyone reading that would agree that she proved she truly is a sociopath to blame it on the wife. Nice try bitch.

So anyways, that derailed me quite a bit. I had so much unresolved anger, and I was really getting to a boiling point with it. And it was something I heard on a podcast (I listen to LOTS of podcasts while I'm driving. I love psychology and listen to podcasts about infidelity, forgiveness, and personality disorders). I came upon one that resonated with me in a big way--the speaker said, "forgiveness is giving mercy to someone who doesn't deserve it." This was the first time I'd heard something like that. Everything I'd heard and read about forgiveness always talked about how you "do it for YOU! YOU'LL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! ANGER IS POISON!!"  and always wrapped up in a tidy little bow that made it sound so easy to do and so WTF is wrong with me that I just couldn't forgive?????

That sentence stuck with me. If I could forgive someone who DIDN'T deserve to be forgiven, how about someone who DID? Namely, my husband??? And it kind of started to settle in. I saw how hard he was trying, and how much he loved me. How when I asked him the hard question, "HOW COULD YOU DO THOSE THINGS TO ME???" he honestly had no answer, other than, "the guy sitting here with you right now cannot believe that I did those things, and I could never do them now, ever again."

I just spent a few days being introspective about it all, and I was actually standing in front of my mirror, putting on makeup, thinking about it all, and I burst into tears and screamed, "I FORGIVE HIM! I FORGIVE HIM!!" and just sobbed a happy sob. It happened. It finally happened. Like "feeling Jesus" in church, I "felt forgiveness" in my heart. As if Cupid struck me with a bow and injected me suddenly with a forgiveness serum. Snap your fingers with me here, cuz that's how it happened.

I texted my husband "I have to talk to you tonight! It's good!" and when I finally got the chance to tell him, he was sobbing with shame and gratitude. And from that night on, things have been so much better. In forgiving him, I was able to release the build-up inside of me. I have been living backwards for the last 2 years. I was dying inside. I was sick of living backwards, ruminating constantly about the last 16 years of my life that was not what I thought it was. I had to figure out how to live in the present. My present was ruined by what he did in my past, and robbed me of choices I'd have made differently if I'd known the truth. But I had to come to an acceptance that what's done is done, and I can't go back. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Accept it. Part of me still fights it. But I'm using that fight now to make the years I have left better.

So, the whole open marriage thing is tabled for now. I know Mickey won't change his schedule and if he did would I go see him? Yes I would. In a heartbeat. I know my hubby wouldn't want it any other way. He knows what he means to me. 

But what about hubby seeing other women? Sorry, he had his fun. He knows this too. I have told him I don't know if I'll ever be ok with it again. EVER. He can walk if he really wants other women. And aside from Mickey, I'm not interested in anyone else (not even Allen really. He texts me from time to time but I haven't made any effort to see him, nor has he). I have really grown. I don't need young guys to be interested in me anymore to feel good about myself. My kids are growing up and I'm not wishing I was younger anymore. I am what I am. It feels awesome.

On that note, I am obsessed with monogamy vs. non-monogamy. I'll continue to write about it here and I love hearing from you all about it. I have even convinced my therapist that open marriages CAN succeed. I have taught him a lot about it. But I do realize that a lot of us are having sex without really thinking about each other's well-being or our own. We drink to let ourselves get jiggy and then when we've sober we wonder WTF happened. We have to really know ourselves and not let alcohol talk us into doing things we wouldn't do sober. That was me, that was my hubby. How many of you drink to loosen up and let yourself be more sexual? Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily, unless you do it the way I did.

My alcohol-addled brain didn't question why my husband brought this whore into my house. When I asked him how he knew her, I accepted his answer. I didn't question him enough. I accepted everything he said, and everything she said and just went along to get along. That girl is so gone now. Not drinking anymore has brought me so much more peace and vigilance. I miss wine,  I miss having fun and going out, and this new boring me is well, boring, but I feel like I'm taking care of me better. 

Hubby is sober now too. I know it won't last for both of us; we have agreed to go "a month" but I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to keep it up. We never fight when we're sober. Only when we've been drinking. I hate how it messes with my mind. We have made a LOT of progress, but we had a huge fight a few weekends ago when out at a bar (of course) we were getting blasted, having a fun time with friends, and he casually points out this young thing as being "hot" and "such a good dancer." Well, for me, the night was over and I wanted to go. So we did and I let him have it. For me (once again, snap your fingers) that quick I was back to square one. I screamed at him, "If I wasn't there, just like in MInnesota when I wasn't there, you'd take her back to your apartment and fuck her." It was a horrible fight.

I said, "Why did you feel the need to tell me that? Was it to caution me that you might act on it and I needed to know?" He said no of course not. He thought, "you point out hot guys all the time and so that's all I was doing." I said, "Yeah and you get turned on when I do that. I do NOT get turned on when you find someone else attractive. And she's half your age, and a skank on top of it. Don't you have any taste??? Jeez you're attracted to a "4" then what am I? Guess that makes ME a "4" too." I said, 'Obviously, you have a "type", and it's the whore. That's really hard to deal with."

It was ugly. We couldn't settle it and had an emergency appointment with our couple's therapist. She told him, "that's called 'being an asshole". He was shocked. She said, "You're not in an open marriage anymore. You don't point out other women to her anymore. That's called being an asshole. Keep it to yourself. She's not ready to hear it." He thought he was "just being honest". I discussed it with my therapist too and he gave him some kudos for his honesty, but that he needs to learn how to behave in a monogamist marriage.

So that's where we're at right now. We are somewhere in between monogamist and non-monogamist. It's confusing, and so for now, it's best we stay sober so we don't lose our inhibitions in public. Friday nights are boring now, but I'll take boring. We go to the gym now instead of boozing it up at our local watering hole making jerks of ourselves. Or we go to a movie, or we go to a coffee house and play a board game. It's a little boring, but the more we do it, the more I like it.

From one extreme to the other. We will land somewhere in between eventually.

Thanks for reading this far. I know I've rambled. I had a long to say LOL (don't I always?)

Have a great weekend sexy peeps!!

Love always,
Anna XO

The new year so far

Hello all you sexy peeps out there, what's up?? It's been like what, six months since I've posted on here??? WOW well not much to report I'm sad to say. With dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, we had to abandon our other sexual partners.

HOWEVER.....

I still have my boyfriend Allen, on the back burner. He texts me from time to time, and it's always wonderful hearing from him. He's been busy improving his looks! He sent me a selfie, and ooh-la-la, what an improvement! He got rid of those god-awful yellow-tinted glasses and got contacts! And he got a decent haircut. I told him he looks just like that hot guy in "Sons of Anarchy", "Jax" (played by Charlie Hunnam). Check him out. That's my Allen. Fucking smoking hot. With the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen on a guy. And he's happy waiting for me. I told you, he doesn't have the biggest sexual appetite for someone so young. He's only 27! And he isn't dating anyone else. He just works, takes care of his younger brother and mom, bought a brand-new truck, and hangs out with his work buddies on the weekends. He's perfectly happy waiting for me. I think that's crazy.
But I know his personality, and I believe him. He's pretty introverted for someone so good-looking, and he's got that tough exterior, just like the actor on the show, and keeps everyone at arm's distance. And he's an auto mechanic, so the chances of meeting hot girls doesn't really happen I guess. I don't know. It wouldn't bother me a bit if he was dating someone else. In fact, it kind of bothers me that he doesn't, because I wish he was more sexual.

And Mickey is AWOL again. And I'm happy to say I don't really care anymore. I've been through SO much with my husband, he's just becoming an annoying little pest. Like a mosquito that you can't quite see but hear it buzzing around your ear when you're trying to sleep. You swat at it but it only goes away for a few minutes and just as you get comfortable, it's back. That's Mickey. 

The last time I heard from him was a three-word response from a text I'd sent him. I wished him a happy new year, and sure enough, immediately, the response text came, "Happy new year." That was it. December 31st. Haven't heard from him since. I sent him pics that night of me, selfies I thought I looked sexy and youngish in, told him I missed him and wished we were together on New Year's Eve and all, and NOTHING. NOTHING BUT CRICKETS. CHIRP CHIRP.

Then my birthday came and went, and I creeped on his Facebook (of which I am NOT a "friend" mind you) and there's this hot young girl who lives in Ohio (he's in Oregon remember??) and ON MY BIRTHDAY he commented on a pic of hers how much he "loves your hair" complete with a smily face emoticon.

That did it for me.

What an asshole. I've known him almost 10 years, and he forgot my birthday. Instead of wishing me a happy birthday, he's telling another girl how much he loves her hair. Well, you know what? Fuck you Mickey. I don't need you to tell me you love MY hair anymore. That's the best part of dealing with this shit with my husband. I am SO over needing a young guy to make me feel young and sexy anymore. I'm embracing who I am. I'm not trying to be younger anymore, just happy being the best I can be at where I'm at right now.

That doesn't mean I've let myself go. No, not at all. I'm still at the gym most days, between tennis and boxing and running, and swimming 2 miles. I'm in great shape. My life is going well. 

About two weeks ago, I had a deep, spiritual moment that caught me completely off-guard. I'd been dealing with my H and my issues surrounding all the lies and deceit and it had really been coming to a boiling point. I knew that I couldn't live the way I was living anymore, and I had to either choose to walk away, or re-commit to him in the way of forgiveness. I couldn't live another looking over my shoulder 24/7. Googling the whore and fearing her return. She was alive and well in every pore of my body 24/7. She occupied more space in my heart, brain and body than she deserved. I was miserable.

What pushed me over the edge was seeing something online that I'd completely forgotten about. Right after D-day (obviously) I had posted something very nasty (but 100% true) about her on a cheater's website. It's the kind of website where you post the name of someone who's betrayed you and publicly humiliate them. I'm not proud to say I did that, because first of all, it's irrevocable. It will be there forever, unless I'm willing to pay $500 to have her name removed. WHICH I AM NOT. LET THAT BE CLEAR. However, SHE can pay $500 to clear her name hahahha which she may do if she so chooses.

Was that wrong of me? Well, I didn't realize that it would be there forever. In my hour of extreme pain and desire for revenge, I vented. I wanted to hurt her just a fraction of how much she hurt me. And you know what??? Now I don't regret it one fucking bit nor do I feel much more than a tiny shoestring of guilt. Do you know why??? SHE COMMENTED BACK ON MY POSTING WITH A FAKE NAME, AND OUTED ME AND MY HUSBAND RIGHT BACK. Without our last names though thankfully, which I can only surmise she wasn't allowed to given the constrictions of the website. Only the original poster can do that. 

AND GUESS WHAT SHE SAID?? NOT "I'M SO SORRY, YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT.' Or anything remotely close to that. SHE SAID THAT IT WAS MY FAULT; I SHOULD'VE GIVEN MY HUSBAND SOMETHING TO COME HOME TO. And in her second posting (under her false name) she added, "AND DON'T FORGET I WAS SINGLE." Like that makes it better???!!!!

I literally began to shake when I read this. I almost passed out with anger and fear. When I calmed down, I realized that I don't know when she wrote that. I could've been immediately after I wrote what I did, and possibly, like me, she doesn't even remember it's out there. But even so, it proves that she has absolutely no remorse or regret whatsoever. It clarified to me that she's never really going to go away. She was a patient bitch; she waited 14 years to come back into my husband's life and she will come back again. GUARANTEED.

So I collected myself and thought very hard about what to do. I actually wrote to the website and begged them to remove her name. I felt afraid of her and wanted it all gone. They never responded, and when I investigated further, these types of websites are really horrendous, they never delete anything once it's posted. People can say anything they want and it will be there forever, unless you hire an attorney and sue them to have it removed. My only saving grace is, she publicly admitted she cheated with my husband and thinks she didn't do anything wrong. If anything, it's MY fault for him being attracted to her because I "didn't give" him "something to come home to." 

After calming down, the next day I confronted my H and we had about a 4-hour talk about "it", and the whore. Long story short (read my other blog for details) I was satisfied with his answers. I believed him. And the next day, after mediating, and doing a lot of hard core soul-searching, I realized, I forgive him. And when I told him that night, he sobbed, grateful tears of joy, like he's just won the lotto. And we've been doing great ever since.

I could write a book on forgiveness, but I'll tell you one thing---when a person is still in the anger and resentment phase, we don't want to hear how we ought to or need to forgive the person that's wronged us. We need someone to tell us we have a right to our pain. That we've been treated badly and need to grieve. Forgiveness isn't something that can be forced. If it is, it isn't genuine, and that old anger and resentment will creep back. That hasn't happened to me. That's how I know I was ready to forgive.

And so......things are great now. I get that forgiveness doesn't mean forget. How could I ever forget??? Unless I get dementia in my old age, I will never forget. I can't forget at bedtime, when the demon whore creeps out and reminds me of how she came into my home and fucked my husband behind my back. The declarations of love and deceit. The way she used me to get to him. The way they both used me to get to each other. It will never, ever go away. It is diminished, and I can calm myself down most of the time now. But it's there and it will always be there. It is written in stone on the story of our marriage. The "storybook" ending is forever gone.

I've come a long way. I can't even believe how smart, mature, and eyes-wide-open I am now. I see things so differently. I see the world so differently. And I'm not sure if the open marriage will ever be open again, but we are definitely open-minded about it. I don't accept things at face-value anymore. If anything, I've become shrewd and calculated about my personal being and no one will ever take advantage of me again. I would probably see it coming.

Will my husband ever cheat on me again? Is "once a cheater, always a cheater" true here? I cannot know this. Only time will tell. All I know is, he's been given a tremendous gift; the gift of a second chance. I'm all in. If he chooses to blow this opportunity, I will have no regrets. I will walk away with my head held high and know that I did everything I could to save this marriage. It takes two. 

And if he was still seeing/contacting her, this would be a non-issue. We'd be divorcing. I'm not stupid. In the last two years, he's shown me his remorse on a daily basis. He's still proving it daily. He's tattooed things on himself as daily reminders to be a better person. He says that guy who did those things is gone. The shame inside will live on, and it's either suicide or be better for the remainder of his life. I see the better man daily, and I love him. He's the father of my children, and he has earned my forgiveness. 

That being said....we did go to a Poly meet-up group here over the weekend and it was very interesting. Next post!

Now go have safe, honest, and exciting sex you sexy mutherfuckers!!!!! I love you all!

Uh oh, guess who's back

Hello all you sexy readers! I'm sorry I haven't had much to write about lately, and we are both suffering from a dry spell LOL UNTIL THIS WEEK!!!

WOWZA have I got news for you!

Mickey is back!!!

I knew he would be eventually. This time it took 14 months. I woke up around 5 am two days ago to go to the bathroom and saw the name on my cell phone. I gasped, I literally gasped. I stared at it; I just couldn't believe it. His name on my cell phone; a private message sent to my Facebook. I was so excited I grabbed my glasses and opened the message. It was a simple, "Hey! How have you been?" The profile pic attached to the message was just a black square. Curious, I clicked on it to see his Facebook page, which I guess if I had been stalking him like I used to, I'd have already known that he and his GF had broken up and clearly it wasn't his idea. His page is mostly private so there's not much I could see except a comment about the black picture and how he's "moving on."

WOW.

I just sat there, incredulous. I didn't respond. I just went back to bed and pondered about having Mickey back in my life.

If I had any sense, I'd have ignored the message and/or deleted it. But I don't have any sense when it comes to Mickey. I knew at 5 am I was royally screwed.

So in the last two days, we've texted about a hundred texts and HE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT!! He was delivering pizzas, just like the olden days. It was surreal. It was amazing hearing his voice. He has changed; he seems easier to talk to and he's more responsive, but it's still way too soon to know for sure what he wants. He's not even flirting with me; it seems like right now he just wants a friend but I am not interested in being his friend. He told me all about his breakup with his GF, that he's "still in love with that girl" but she's clearly dumped him and moving to Arizona to go to school. I can't believe she's dumping him now. I had to ask him--so, do you remember those last emails you sent me? He said yes. I said cautiously, "so, I'm guessing she found out about me?" and he said yes. I said, "and she forgave you?" He said 'Yes", and went on to explain that they were really happy and he didn't see the breakup coming. He said something vague about "she was mad at me" but that's all. He said that they hadn't been living together most of the time--I wanted to ask about her "in a domestic partnership" relationship status on her Facebook but then he'd know I stalked her so I didn't mention it. Guess it doesn't really matter at all anyway.

He texted me again at midnight, wanting to face time but I had been sound asleep (hubby too) and so I said I could only text. I reminded him we are 2 hours ahead. He apologized and said, "Ok, well I'll text you tomorrow" and I said, "I can text now" and we did for over an hour. He started talking about coming here, not just to visit but to MOVE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was stunned. He said repeatedly, "I'm single now. I have nothing holding me here anymore. I can go anywhere I want. I have been wanting to get away." And then the convo went specific--he wanted to know the name of the town I live in so he could Google it. He obviously did, because he commented, "Now I know where to go to find a sugar mama." Yeah dope-head ME!!!!!!!!

He asked so many specific questions it was unreal. When we first moved here in fall of 2010, he started talking about moving here but it was always vague and back then, I pushed and pushed to get him to move here. Comparing the two, I realize that I wanted him here more than he wanted to be here, and now it's reversed!!! He is honestly, seriously considering it. He's looked up apartments, how to get his bartender's license, he asked about what it's like living here, it was surreal.

I flirted with him a couple times. I told him in a text that I'd had an erotic dream about him and he never responded. So when I got the chance,  I asked him about it. I asked what he thought of it and he said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to say something. I was surprised that you did." I said, "Why's that?" He said, "We haven't talked in a long time." Hmmm duh but did he forget we had quite a history together??! That was disappointing.

I do plan on being more up-front and direct with him as time passes. I am not going to play cat and mouse with him again. I know he's recovering from a broken heart and that's good. He treated her like shit and she is done with him. I am insanely curious for details, and before I let that man back into my bed I am going to really talk to him this time. No holding back.

I need to remind him how badly he treated ME too. How much he hurt me. How lucky he is that I really do love him, always have, and always forgive him even if he doesn't deserve it. How I always take him back, and remind him, how he always comes back to me. We always go back to each other. The day I told my husband I wanted a divorce, who did I text immediately??? Mickey.

And who did he text when his relationship ended? ME.

I don't want to continue having the kind of relationship with him we've had in the past, and by that I mean mostly sexual and not much else. He always kept me at arm's length, he even said to me once that he didn't want to tell me things about him, and so I knew my place. I was not much more than a sexual partner and it was my own fault for getting my feelings hurt. He used me and I fell in love, so that's no one's stupid fault but my own. Of course, I didn't know he had a GF and was cheating on her with me. He needs to know how wrong that was and how much it upset me.

So before he comes here, I will be asking him to tell me what he's planning. Because as much as I fantasize about being with him again, I know that I am treading in very deadly waters.

By the time we'd finally said "goodnight", I had told him I have a boyfriend here. I don't really anymore; Allen stopped texting but Jake still texts and sends me sexy pics. In fact, he was out of town all alone in a hotel room last week and horny as hell, sending me the NASTIEST pics I've ever gotten. My favorite one he's holding his cell phone so I could see his huge hard dick and the sexy smirk on his face while he's holding it (his dick) for me to see. I haven't actually seen Jake in more than a year but that sexy 20-year old adores me and begs me to come see him. He's in Chicago, which is about 90 min away and although not really that far, it just involves a night's stay in a hotel and really good planning so my daughter doesn't wonder where the hell Mommy is!! LOL

So anyway, we texted "goodnight"; I sent an emoticon of a sexy pair of lips and said, "Goodnight sexy man, kisses" and he just said, "night". Hmmm.

I was so aroused I masturbated right then and there in the dark, under my covers, my sweet hubby quietly snoring next to me. I tried to fall asleep afterwards, and realized I was still really turned on and masturbated again! Then I fell asleep.

I am sooooo tired today. But happy.

Strip club fun

I've finally got something juicy to talk about! DAMN this fucking infidelity thing has SO messed up our sex lives. We are doing really well lately--we are starting to get back to some sexier behavior pre-d-day. We have been taking things really slowly--my Allen is back in my life and that's awesome but I am figuring out there's something really odd about him and I think as much as I'm attracted to him, we are very mis-matched. For example, my H and I went to a strip club last night with a group of our friends and I texted him we were there. We were all very drunk and turned on--we found out a girl in our group--one of my co-workers who's 24 and beautiful and just broke her engagement to a really great guy--likes women! So we bought her a private lap dance with one of the strippers. We made her tell us which stripper she liked best--hehehe--it was such naughty fun! I wasn't jealous of my H at all. It was a turn-on actually. Anyway, I'll talk about that later but I texted Allen and told him what we were up to and his response was so annoying I decided I'm done with him. Verbatim, here's what he said--"What are you doing at one of those disease nests? I hate strip clubs."

Yeah. That's what I thought too.

What kind of 27-year old guy DOESN'T like strip clubs???? COME ON!!! THE WOMEN ARE GORGEOUS, HALF-NAKED AND WRITHING IN FRONT OF YOU. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?????

If you are a guy and you can't stand strip clubs, would you please tell me why?? It saddens me that he is not more open-minded. I know there are a lot of women out there that hate them--they say things like they feel bad for the dancers, it's pathetic, makes them feel jealous, etc. but for a GUY not to like them? 

When I was in my 20's and was with my asshole ex, I used to be SO insecure and when I found out he went to a strip club I was beside myself with anger, jealousy and rage. It made me feel like I was chopped liver. Now that I'm older and wiser, I know better and I see strip clubs completely differently than I used to. These women are strong and beautiful and sexy, and they smell amazing!! Every stripper there gently and seductively put their breasts in my face and they were soft and sweet and I could've fallen in love with any and all of them. There wasn't a thought in my mind about "disease". Jeez Louise. 

There was one girl who was amazing on that pole, let me tell you. She went all the way up to the top, hung herself upside down, and dropped like lightning headfirst and stopped just inches from the ground, her long blonde hair barely scraping the floor. She cascaded around and around, spinning upside down like a top, then pulled herself upright fast as lightning. She was amazing. Only her and one other girl were capable of really working that pole like that; the slightly overweight girls just danced around the pole and couldn't do the gymastics and of course we tipped the more-skilled girls more. As I was watching them, I was not grossed out or thinking they had "diseases". It was a very clean, nice club and the staff was attractive and the service was great so I don't get Allen's point of view, and honestly, I am really done with him. He is super hot too.

I hadn't seen him in awhile and my hubby was getting okay with me seeing him again, so we have been trying to hook up. With the kids out of school for summer, it hasn't worked out so far, but ironically, I was in his city last week (about 15 miles from me in a part of town I don't usually go to) and texted him. He thankfully wanted to see me so we arranged to meet at a grocery store nearby! I had my daughter and a friend of hers with me--I took them to this fun trampoline place in his town--so I had to be strategic. After they were done jumping they were hungry so I dropped them off at Taco Bell and since I had to go to the store anyway, drove over to it (it was just across the parking lot) and told Allen where I was. I was nervous and excited to see him and it felt just like when I used to go visit Mickey at the grocery store he worked at. I was in produce, just like old times to see Mickey LOL and lo and behold, Allen came up behind me and touched me while he simultaneously picked up one of the avocados in the bin I was looking at and spun around and gave me a wicked smile. He got contacts, thank God, got rid of those awful glasses of his and his blue eyes just looked devilish. I realized how much I missed him. Damn, what a hottie. We flirted and joked, walking over to the soda section so he could get a Rockstar drink and hide from the other shoppers. He didn't even kiss me, just talked about his new job and shit and I knew we only had a couple minutes and I had to go get the girls. I realize I don't listen to anything he says cuz all I'm thinking is sex--"kiss me asshole" or something like that. Blah blah blah. Finally I saw my daughter and her friend enter the store so we parted ways. Very unfulfilling. I had fantasies of some making out in the car or shit, even the soda aisle but NO.

I texted him a few days later with two opportunities for him to come see me and have sex with me. He had excuses each time. Now with his remark about the strip club, I'm done. Either he's changed his mind about me--perfectly acceptable--I get it--or he just really doesn't like sex that much. Either way, I'm done. I'm not going to text him anymore and see if he puts forth any effort. I'm looking for a new BF.

And I thought I found someone--a cutie named Eli who is only 18 ("I'm going to be 19 soon!") who found me on cougarlife who I last texted months ago and said I wasn't seeing anyone. So I started writing him and he was like, "ooo girl where you been?? I want you SO bad" and sent me face pics and a dick pic (of course) and then when I said, "hey I'm free tonight let's get together" I fucking never heard back.

Yeah.

Happy Monday all you sexy motherfuckers out there.

Does anyone believe in "happily ever after" anymore??

Good morning sexies!

My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.

Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity??? 

I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.

In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.

I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.

I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.

I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.

Love you all, gotta run. 

Anna 
XOXO