So what's my fucking problem???

I've got a "date" at 12:30 today with a guy I met on this swingers' website. We exchanged phone numbers and we had some real intense chat a few weeks ago. As cute as he was, I wasn't happy with the fact that he was going to be cheating on his girlfriend with me. How is it that married swingers have morals and some single people don't??? Screwy, isn't it??

So I had basically told him, sorry, I'm not ok with that, and he was fine with it. I haven't talked to him since, and then last night, in a tipsy, horny moment, my hubby wrote him and set up a meeting between us today!  He texted me almost an hour ago and I haven't responded. So----what's my fucking problem??

Part of it is, i'm not feeling exceptionally sexy right now. I've gained 5 pounds (I'm still 127 and it's making me sooo crazy!!!) so that's not helping my confidence with a new partner. My hubby thinks I'm nuts but it's really the truth. I don't feel confident taking my clothes off, and I don't really feel sexy.  I also don't like the way my hair was cut 2 weeks ago. I don't look as good as the pics I sent him and that's what I always worry about when I see someone else's pics! You know, we always post the best pic of ourselves we can find, and they can be quite outdated.

The other truth is, I'd decided I didn't want to have sex with him, but my hubby wants me to. He was on his webcam last night and he is cute, but I'm not super-attracted to him. He's 25 and actually quite good-looking, but not really my type. (I like dark-haired guys, not really into blondes) but I'm being super picky. And I think, do I have a right to be so super picky?? I'm no spring chicken! I should be fucking thanking the stars that I've got the goods to attract such a cute young guy!!

So, I still don't know.

It's hard during the day, too. A glass of wine and I'd be like, "WTF let's go hot boy!!!" but it's 10:30 in the morning and I have trouble letting myself go there. I still can't believe I fucked that pilot that day--I just waltzed in the hotel, met him for the first time, and 10 minutes later I'm taking my clothes off. Half an hour after that, I'm back in my car, driving to the airport. Was that really me???

I still don't know. I gotta respond. Maybe I'll take a shower first, put on some music, and see if I can get into feeling better about my body. My hubby says I'm crazy, I look amazing. That's why I love him! But we girls can't feel good about ourselves if we've gained weight. I know---5 pounds isn't a big thing but it is to me. Is it just an excuse?? Does it have anything to do with my feelings for Mickey?

---sigh--

Mickey wants to move here! OMG!

Mickey and I had the most intense conversation yesterday we've ever had. He started writing me on Yahoo messenger yesterday afternoon, and it went off and on for about 5 hours.  I'm really happy but confused and sad all at the same time. He was lamenting his situation---reduced income due to loss of driver's license, looking for a new and better job than making pizzas, and moving here clear across the country to be near me! Yes, he's seriously considered it, and is still seriously considering it. I'm blown away. We talked about how that would affect my marriage. He's pretty sure it would break us up and I can't disagree, although I have absolutely no intention of leaving my hubby. I'm pretty crazy about him and I'd never choose Mickey over him. I did have a brief moment there a few years ago where I fantasized about being with Mickey 24/7, but I'm so glad I got over it! AND I'm soooo lucky my hubby understands how I feel about him and puts up with me. I guess it's cuz he knows he's #1 with me and Mickey will always be #2, even if sometimes it seems like it's the other way around.

The most amazing part of our conversation was my realization that he wasn't trying to be an asshole all this time--well, no one sets out to TRY to be an asshole--what I mean is, he was saying how he's never been in "this kind of situation before"---meaning, a threesome, emotionally and physically----and he doesn't know how to handle it most of the time. I think that explains all the weird and cruel shit he's done to me. I'm someone else's wife for god's sake! And if he's been in love with me all this time, he feels like shit loving and fucking another guys' wife. He doesn't know how my hubby handles it--he doesn't get how it's ok with him that I do that, that I'm fucking Mickey and other boys.  I feel so differently about everything now. I feel bad for Mickey and I'm angry at the same time for him not being able to talk to me about everything---but maybe he is growing up. He's talking to me now, and I'm so happy.

He also told me it used to bother him a lot that I slept with other guys! But now it doesn't, cuz he sees other girls so he has no right to stop me.  Without coming right out and saying it, I think he was telling me he has deep feelings for me. He said, if he moved here, he'd probably eventually meet someone and what would he do with his feelings for me?? He said marriage and kids is in the plan someday, and if it did, I told him I'd have to be ok with it and let him go. I'm not stupid--I can't give him that and I want him to be happy. He said he wouldn't want me to let him go! That he'd still want me in his life and he wouldn't know how to handle that. I don't have an answer for that, because I feel the same way. He wanted answers---like if I could reassure him things would be fine between me and my hubby and all he would move here. I finally told him, let's smoke some weed and talk it out all three of us. He said sounds great--he'll call collect soon and we'll chat.

He's asked to work at this particular pizza store where they have free WIFI so he can write me more!! yay!!! So he ended with he'll talk to me tonight. So that's 2 days in a row!!!

My best GF is too busy to talk. I need some advice!! Should he move here or shouldn't he? Readers? What do you think?

It's Raining Men!! Hallelujah!

WOW When it rains it pours, and baby, yesterday it poured! I realized last night, laying in bed after masturbating on the phone with Sam, that I'm involved with 5 guys (including my hubby). I was supposed to hook up with this military hottie I'd been chatting with on the website, but he never showed up, never called! LOL I didn't even care, I was really more annoyed than anything cuz I sat around waiting for him for like 3 hours and that really pissed me off. He'd texted me he would call or text me when he was on his way and I never heard from him after that. FUCK I was ticked off.

BUT----the 4 other guys totally made up for it! FIrst of all, B, the actor/model extraordinaire was chatting nasty stuff to me on Yahoo messenger. I was like whoa---you're still thinking about me?? Yay! I was sooo thrilled!! I haven't heard from him in months. He gets hotter and more sexier every time I hear from him. You have to know this about B--he is a new but somewhat famous actor on a TV show and is quite young and wealthy, not to mention a model with the most amazing body. He is on a billboard on Hollywood Blvd!!! So anyway, that was definitely a great choice to hook up with him. Too bad he didn't get me pregnant.

Ok, so I'm reeling with joy that B contacted me--and lo and behold, it's Mickey, who starts his IM with, "hi there pretty girl". OMG Mr. I-can't-express-any-feelings-whatsoever-or give-compliments has suddenly gotten very real. It's wonderful.  We wrote on yahoo messenger off and on for 6 hours!! SIX HOURS!!!!  He has no internet now, even sold his computer, cuz he lost his driver's license for a year for his speeding tickets. The only way we can communicate is by yahoo messenger, when he gets free wifi, on his iTouch. Sad, i know. But it's temporary. And I love love love how he's sneaking into Starbucks while he's at work to write me! He said that since he can't deliver pizzas anymore (cuzz he can't drive for a year) he's cooking instead, and occasionally they send him to other stores, and this one has WIFI so he can write me. He said he's going to ask if he can work there all the time---so he can write me!!!  So who is this new Mickey???? Hmmmm idk but I like him a whole lot better!!!

So, while I'm IM'ing B and Mickey, Sam texts me he wants to try phone sex with me. Sounds great to me! So as soon as the kids are in bed, I poured myself a glass of chardonnay, brushed my teeth, touseled by hair, and put on a sexy, lacy red negilgee to get in the mood. I lie and tell Mickey I need to call my GF, her mom's in the hospital (that part isn't a lie, but I didn't need to call her) cuz I don't want to lose our connection while I'm on the phone with Sam.

I'm texting my hubby at the same time all this is happening! B doesn't write anymore, so he's out for now, I tell Mickey I will BRB, and so I concentrate on Sam for about a half hour. It's the first time I've heard his voice, and it's thankfully sexy. I light a candle and turn off my nightstand lamp, and get cozy with my hand on my pussy, and Sam is telliing me what he's doing to that hard cock of his 1500 miles away.  Our voices are thick and heavy with passion as we whisper what we want to do to each other. I cum right away---I was horny all day since I thought Military Guy was coming over for a little afternoon delight. Sam didn't, and he was bothered by it, and he didn't believe I really did cum. I was like, dude, I am always horny. I don't fake my orgasms! Jeez!!! So he was like, ok, I'm sorry. I said it's ok, I get it, it's over the phone so no way to know for sure. We both agree tho that he should buy a fucking plane ticket and cum see me :)

I hung up to let Sam finish himself on his own. I was growing bored and wanted to get back to my conversation with Mickey, which resumed for another hour or so. It was getting very late, so I just said hey, I needed to get some sleep. I didn't want to sign off, I wanted to see what he was going to say, so I just kept the phone close by and fell asleep. Hours later I woke to go to the bathroom, and he'd written, "I've got to go, night sweetheart". SWEETHEART?????  WHEN HAS MICKEY EVER CALLED ME SWEETHEART??? wow so in one IM, I'm "pretty girl", "sexy girl", and "sweetheart". AND he's changing his job location (if he can) just so he can write me?? What's going on???

Who cares?!!!? I'm happy.

My hubby's happy.

Oh yeah. Life is good.

Webcam fun!

Sex and webcams---I just love technology, don't you???

My kids were doing their homework in the next room, and I was cooking dinner when I got a text from Sam--"get online--I'm on my webcam". I'm like, 'I can't, kids here", and he said, "just for 5 minutes, please?" so I grabbed my laptop and flipped it open and got online. There he was, in nothing more than a white towel wrapped around his waist, a mischievous smile on his darling face. This 24-year-old suitor danced seductively in his towel, alternating between giving me a full on view of his bobbing, half-hard cock and holding it in his hand. I was getting so turned on, I could feel myself getting wet for him. He wrote me as he danced, teasing me with his words as well: "I want you to suck this for me", as he'd hold his cock up for display. Then he'd let go and cover it with his towel, and give me a bad-little-boy grin, and spin around and show me his nice, round, hairless (thank you!) ass. Then he'd need reassurance: "do you like?" he'd ask, and flash open the towel to show me his genitals. "OMG baby I definitely like!" I'd write him back. I couldn't look away for a second.

Until one of my kids asked what that burning smell was in the kitchen!!

Mickey loves me?!

His exact words were, "I just love the way you are". I was so happy! I said, "yay! Really? What do you mean?" and he said, "It's something I can't describe, I just love the way you are." I don't remember everything that was said after that, I just feel the smile inside still. We had the closest we've ever really come to a genuine conversations (except when he was here). He said that when he comes here "maybe I'll tell you in person" ??? Does this mean he does truly love me back??? He just can't say it?

It all started around midnight (as usual). I was on my webcam with my Washington boy (I'll call him Sam). We were just chatting. He's 24, lives with his parents, and is really the hottest guy on this website so far. I was drinking wine and getting tipsy, and we were having a fun conversation and I started to take my clothes off for him. I was showing off my big breasts and giggling when all of a sudden, there's Mickey, wanting to click on and watch. (of course, he didn't know I was chatting with anyone else). So I allowed him, and suddenly I've got 2 guys watching me. It was so titillating, but confusing! Writing them back and forth as I sipped my wine and teased them visually. It was so fun tho. I was kind of pissed at Mickey so I was kind of ignoring him and giving Sam more attention. Mickey figured it out and asked me. I said yes, I was on webcam with a guy from Washington. He abruptly said, "I guess you don't need me then", and clicked off. I was so upset.Was it over between us? WTF???? Was he jealous?? Would I ever hear from him again? What just happened here?I got off cam with Sam and just fell asleep (thx to the wine).

I woke up a couple hours later, and saw Mickey was still offline. I was panicky, and still drunk. I IM'd him a barrage of, "I love you, next to my hubby, there's only you. You know that. I fucking tell you all the time I love you.  If you love me too just fucking tell me. I write you letters, you ignore them. You never tell me what you feel. I'm sick of the games. You make me crazy Mickey!" Then I lied. "the other guy was Hubby. I'm sorry."

Two hours later he's online, and writes me immediately and I awaken to the little chime. "I'm lost", he said. "What's wrong?" I wrote back, "I drank too much", and he said, "that's ok". I said, "forgive me?" and he said he was on his webcam and for me to get on mine.

It was 5:45 am my time, and i have to get up at 6:30 to take my kids to school! I'm soooo tired but I oblige. I tell him, "I was cuter 4 hours ago. Give me a minute LOL so I get up and look in the mirror and I still look pretty good. 

I go back to bed and flip open my laptop. We talk for about 45 min, during which this time he not only practically professes his love for me too but gives me a tour of his apartment. It was so cute. It was so nice seeing his face again. I haven't seen it since the day he left from his visit. I loved being open with him, and he wasn't as evasive as he usually is. He said he wanted to decorate our new house. I wanted to ask him more but didn't. Instead, we eventually got to talking our clothes off and masturbating for each other. It was very exciting, mmmmm yummy. I loved teasing him and knowing he was getting aroused---cuz I could see him stroking his very hard cock just for me. I actually made myself cum, and I had to get offline to get my kids up for school before he came! LOL 

So, I told my girlfriend the whole story. She's happy he's not as much an asshole as he seems (most of the time).

Mickey loves me.

I

New boytoys for me! yay!

My girlfriend agreed with me that accepting Mickey's crumbs is pathetic---but she understands how I feel about him. BUT.....I had to face facts. Mickey is now 1713 miles away, and as much as I want him here, he's non-commital about coming to visit. Hubby said we can buy him a plane ticket--yay! but he hasn't said yes yet. I'm not going to keep asking. (I mean begging). SO......I got on a cool website and I've found three hotties I've been IM'ing and texting! One guy lives in Washington, damn he's 24 and super hot. He got his webcam and we just chatted. What a doll!! So, we know we probly won't actually hook up cuz of the distance between us he is good for my ego. So young and so hot!

The second guy is cute too, just 23, but his first pics were much better than the recent ones he sent. I'm kinda ignoring him right now cuz someone ELSE is writing me---a very very hot 24 year old Latino with juicy full lips just like Mickey (sans the piercings).  I gave him my cell # and we started texting yesterday. He sent some more pics and I'm happy to say I like all the pics he sent, and he liked all of mine! He's the epitome of "tall, dark, and handsome"!! YUM!! I'm hoping to meet him soon!

When it rains it pours...my pilot called me last night, he's in town tonight and wants to hook up.  He's only here tonight and I can only get together during the day so that won't work. BLEH! But he sent me his schedule so we're going to hook up his next trip out in a few weeks :) yay!

So, yeah, Mickey, I'd rather have you. I've told you that time and again. Open invitation to live with me, come here and I'll make you happier than you've ever been. But I can't wait around anymore. It's too hard on me. When he writes me, i'm up. When he ignores me, I'm down. I need to move on. I will always drop everyone else if he decides to take me up on my offer!

OMG---Mickey "cums" through

Well I decided to stay online and visible and see if I got any crumbs....see Mickey works till very late and is awake all night long while I'm sleeping, and if I'm going to hear from him, it's going to be in the middle of the night. Sure enough--around 3:30 am he wrote, "LOL sorry no phone".  No response to the "are you ok?" question.  know you're wondering......so to answer your question, no, I didn't get an explanation.

So, I guess I believe him about the phone.

And obviously he's not dead or in jail.

And I have come to the realization that I, Anna, am addicted to Mickey and am happy getting crumbs. It truly is better than not getting anything.

Especially if those crumbs are sexy and complimentary.

OMG he was so graphic--he was obviously turned on and wanted me.  He was sooo delicious, and sooo nasty...telling me how he was going to blindfold me and make me suck his cock while my hubby fucked me....how he was going to tease me and pull me close as I came so I couldn't get away.....yes, I feel fulfilled....sad and pathetic huh? What can I say, that boy does something to me....I just can't get enough.

So....I sent him a pic of the guest room.....will he visit? I didn't ask. I'll wait till he suggests it. He knows I want him here.

Needless to say, I am in a great mood today. I got my crumbs. I said I wanted more, but the truth is, he's either incapable of more or unwilling to give more. I want him in my life. I'm happily married, so I know it can't go anywhere anyway. I will take what I can get.

OMG he's writing me again! yay! GTG.

An open letter to Mickey

Dear Mickey,

I have so many things I want to say to you I don’t know where to begin, but knowing you may never actually read this or even if you do you’ll never mention it to me makes me not even want to bother giving it to you. Maybe I’ll just write this to get it off my chest.

Do you have any idea how crazy you make me feel? Do you even care? No, you don’t. It’s just same old Mickey, different day, different year. I keep putting up with you but I have no idea why. Why do I love you? Why do I give a fuck about you? You are such an asshole. You really are.

Maybe you think being mysterious is attractive. At first maybe, but jeez, we’ve known each other for 6 years now, and it’s just plain annoying. One minute you’re online IM’ing me “hey sweetheart” and then a few days later you’re incognito, totally blowing me off. WTF??? Why?? I mean, I go from wondering if you’re upset with me to wondering if you’re dead or in jail. One day I’m worried and sad about you and the next I’m a raving lunatic filled with rage.

I really think I’m done with you once and for all now Mickey. I know I’ve said that to myself at least a thousand times, but I really am. You are cruel and you haven’t changed a fucking bit in all this time.

Three days ago we were talking about you moving out here with me. You had a lot of concerns and questions and I wanted you to know that I would do anything for you. Yes, anything.  I would move mountain and earth to have you here with me.

I have been wanting to put money in your account for weeks now, ever since you dropped your phone. I always want to help you. The only reason I didn’t is because I worried it would ruin our relationship. I know you don’t feel good taking money from me, and I know you’re capable of solving your own problems. You don’t need handouts from me to make you feel bad about yourself or dependant on me. I totally get that. 

What you don’t get is how when a person cares about another person, they are your friend and family. You want to do whatever you can for them--to make them happy. To make their lives more comfortable, to ease their pain, to help them through a hard time. And of course to be there to celebrate when things are going well. I am ALL that for you Mickey. And more.

It seems that whenever we get close, it scares you, and you run away. 

I’ve written you so many times and gotten no response from you that I’m just done. I can’t take your games anymore. I used to feel that as long as I had you in my life, however small a part, I was happy. Since you came to visit me, I feel differently. I want all of you, or most of you. I loved hanging out with you, I loved getting to know you, and talking to you and learning all about you. I didn’t like everything I saw, but I liked those parts of you simply because it was YOU. I’m just not content with the crumbs you keep tossing my way Mickey. 

Maybe you know you can’t give me more, or don’t want to, and by just disappearing into thin air is your way of sending me the message. Well I hear it, Mickey, loud and clear.

So, are you offline or invisible? Are you trying to tell me to leave you alone? Sure seems that way. Maybe it’s not all about me, I know you have a life, but if you won’t share it with me how the fuck am I supposed to know?? I asked you if you were seeing someone. That went unanswered, as usual. Then I simply said “hi” to you, and you immediately clicked offline and haven’t been on since. How am I not to think it’s a message to me to leave you alone? What gets me is, WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE?????????

I also think you’re lying to me about not having a phone. You told me two weeks ago that I "shouldn't even ask" if you had a phone cuz I should know you didn't have the money to replace it. Well, that was two weeks ago. You think I’m so fucking gullible, don’t you? You’re offline cuz you have a phone now. Yes, I tried calling your number, and it’s been disconnected. You told me you change your number all the time so I’m pretty sure that’s what you’ve done. If you have a phone now you don’t need yahoo messenger, and I can’t contact you except by email. Which you probably wouldn’t read anyway. You’d see it was from me and just delete it. By the way, who besides you changes their phone number the way you do? No one. I don’t know anyone who likes to change their phone number. It is so disruptive, and tedious. I think you do that cuz you really don’t have anyone in your life you care about anyway. You are always running away from people who care about you. You get a new number and new people. Throw away everyone who came before and start over. That’s you Mickey.

I ask myself what to do now. Give you the benefit of the doubt and write you? I am tempted of course to do just that because that is what I do with you. That is our relationship. You treat me like shit and I take it. Over and over and over. You give me attention in crumbs and because I love you I live for those crumbs. I can’t live like this anymore. I feel like I’d rather not have any of you if I can’t have more.

I’ve taught you how to treat me. I’ve taught you that I’m ok with crumbs and that’s all you have to give me to have me. That’s not really how I feel anymore.

If you’ve met someone, good for you. I want you to be happy. I know I don’t have a future with you, I can’t be everything you need me to be. You're half my age. I know sooner or later it’s gonna happen so maybe you’re doing me a favor by ending things with me now. I just don’t know what things always have to end badly with you. Why can’t you be a man and tell me straight out?

I think it’s cuz you aren’t really certain what you want. If you string me along, you know I’ll be there when you change your mind. Because you will break her heart and everyone else’s, cuz that’s what you do. And I’m always there when you do, and I always take you back.

And maybe I will Mickey, and maybe I won’t. I really can’t take your shit another day. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to play games with you anymore. I just think I’m worth more than that. 

His Response is----No Response

As quickly as Mickey disappeared offscreen last post, he came back on. Five longs days he stayed offline (or invisible) he just popped back on and wrote me. As usual, it was after midnight when his IM came in. The little pop-up sound woke me and I was thrilled (of course) to see it was him. I decided to chill and went back to sleep. I woke up at 2 am and responded hello. He said he was alone, smoking pot, and he seemed really playful and happy. Just the Mickey I love. He sent me the cutest little happy face, you know, made with asterisks, semi-colons, all those little font-things ( I don't know what they're called). Then a lull, like an hour and a half lull where I fall in and out of sleep, straining to hear the IM sound.

The day before I had emailed him pictures of our guest room in our new house---I very much want him to come visit---Hubby said I could pay for his plane ticket again---so I spent the whole weekend emptying boxes, carrying boxes, and the room is gorgeous. He wrote simply "sweet" about it. So, I thought, hmmm, yeah!! Maybe I can buy his ticket today! But as usual, he didn't say anything more about it.


I had tried to make him jealous last week by mentioning that I'd met someone here, and he knew I meant a playmate. He then said, "guess you don't need me anymore." That couldn't be farther from the truth! I told him, "you know I'd rather have you. I'm just keeping myself busy till you come back to me." He of course let that sentence hang in the air and dissipate like all the other emotion-laden sentences I say to him.

So---my girlfriend said, "let him know nothing's happening with this other guy." Cuz unfortunately it's true---that hot grocery checker is a high school senior so he's probly not even 18! So I used that moment to tell Mickey about it. Last thing he said to me was, "LOL you do like the young ones." I said, "that's too young! " then, a loaded question----"what about you? are you seeing anyone?" and of course no response.

Half hour later, I wrote, Still there? no response.

The next day, I wrote simply hi. No response.

That afternoon, I wrote, Hi Mickey with a smiley face.

It's been 3 days. No response.

WTF??? I'm so sick and tired of these games.

My girlfriend said to me very gently,"I think he's lying to you about not having a phone." I told her I'd already thought of it.


We had had a conversation a few days before about him moving here. It was pretty heavy...I was pretty insistent that I wanted him here and that I'd do anything to help him. He kept peppering me with roadblocks, like "but how would I get my stuff there?" and of course I had an answer for every single one.I got the impression he really wants to move here but it's logistics that's keeping him stuck for now, not emotion. But maybe I was way wrong.

I'm done, I'm really done. I can't take it anymore.

Out of sight but not out of mind

Mickey has been offline (or online and invisible, don't know which) all weekend. SO......that means one of a few things....he's seeing someone, his computer's broken, he doesn't want to talk to me, or.....???? I wish I didn't care. I wish I was busier right now and didn't notice. I think that's what pisses me off the most. So, I made myself invisible on yahoo messenger too.

The worst part is, when he finally does write me, he won't explain, and I can't ask.

FUCK!

Another boxboy for me!

Just as I have been wondering where all the hot guys are in this city we just moved to---I found him.!!!!!!Where else??? A GROCERY STORE!!!!!!!!!!! There are so many grocery stores here, seriously, like 5 or 6 nearby. But my favorite isn't the closest---I can't say the name of it but anyway, I go out of my way to go there cuz it's really huge, got everything. And I mean everything!!! I was in last Friday, a huge cartfull, and I was eyeing the lines to see which was the shortest.

And there he was---a checker, not a boxboy-----he reminded me of Mickey!!! Short, punk-y black hair, diamond stud earrings in each ear, about 5'9" and Mickey's build. A beautiful white smile. He looked young---I thought, hmmm, well, he's a checker, not a boxboy, so he must be at least 20.  I was instantly smitten. I caught my breath and pushed my cart into his line (which was the longest, of course).  When it was my turn, he started the conveyor and he was grabbing my bags of salad and all and scanning them. He looked at me and said something like, "hi Ma'am, how are you today Ma'am?" I was so smitten I couldn't talk. I hated the "ma'am's" and cringed everytime he said it, but I couldn't breathe let alone correct him!!! He was SO fucking cute, my heart was pounding. Thank God I looked good!

He messed up my checkout--I was halfway out to the parking lot and he called after me, "ma'am!" I turned around and was surprised to see him running towards me. He said he forgot to charge me for the greeting cards he'd put aside for last and did I still want them? I said I did so I followed him back into the store. He apologized profusely and I was SO smitten I couldn't even talk. I just quietly stood there smiling at him! What an idiot!!!

BUT---- I honestly couldn't stop thinking about him! I got all dolled up in my best jeans and tight-Tshirt and Converse and went in hoping to see him yesterday--and yes! There he was again! My heart leapt and I had an instant smile on my face. I didn't want to buy too much--it would look like I had an army back at my house LOL so I just got some salad things and a couple bottles of wine (to make me look fun and loose LOL). His line wasn't too busy, just one person ahead of me. Good! I thought---I was determined to talk to him and let him know I was interested in him.

When it was my turn, he looked at me with that amazing smile and bright brown eyes and said, "hello ma'am" I said, "please call me anna". He smiled and said, "ok Anna, how's your day going?" I said bravely,' better now that I see you!' he stopped scanning my groceries and looked up at me and said, "wha--wha--wow-really-oh wow!" he was stunned. I was smiling too. And shaking like a teenager I was so smitten with him! My heart was pounding. He said he'd just come on his shift, came straight from school. He told me he was a senior---"last year of high school". I was sooooooooo bummed!!! I wanted to ask him if he's 18 yet but it didn't segue well enough to ask.

We had a nice chat--I told him I'd just moved here from California and he said he moved from California a year ago too!!! He's from Newport Beach! I was like wow....we talked about the cold winters here and I asked him if he missed the beach. He said yeah, he misses surfing. I was so horny for this gorgeous gulp-probably 17 year old, all I could think about was him in a wetsuit, carrying his surfboard, walking out of the waves, his gorgeous black hair all wet and mussed up, his white teeth and amazing smile, all tan and muscular. That's what I was thinking as he was talking. Oh, and imagining kissing his full soft lips. And riding him, my hands on his shoulders as I fucked him hard. Holding that thick gorgeous hair in one hand, the other around his tiny waist, straddling him and kissing him.

I will have to wait tho till he's old enough!!! I will continue to shop there on days he's there, get to know him. I will ask him when he turns 18 (hopefully SOON!!!) I remember I met Mickey when he was 17. I knew he was off-limits....I actually didn't have a crush on him then, that came later. But this guy--his name is Jon---is worth waiting for too.

I will fantasize and keep working out......I hope he likes older women cuz I want this hottie!!!

Cat and Mouse

That's what my girlfriend tells me Mickey does--he plays cat and mouse games. Chase me, I'll run away, catch me, i'll slip out of your paws (or mouth) and run away again. He's the mouse, I'm the cat. It makes me fucking crazy.


Since I last posted, I decided I needed to back off and try to get some space from him. I'm in way too deep. I alternated between leaving myself online and available in case he wanted to write me and signing out to leave him wondering what I was up to. I decided to play "mouse" and let him be the cat for a few days. While I was in Mickey withdrawal, we had fun as a family.....we went to the movies, went to a major league ball game, we went to a great Mexican restaurant, and shopped till we dropped. We got a lot of unpacking done, hung pictures, and the house is looking amazing. 


I also got a text from Jimmy, our first lover from our first threesome. He's a hot 23 year old who is just what I needed while I was in Mickey detox! OMG we texted off and on (mostly on) for about 5 hours. He was just what I needed! He was a great distraction. He is straightforward-- tells me how he feels all the time. I personally hate games, I hate how I second-guess myself all the time with Mickey. He makes me crazy. With Jimmy I can just be myself, it is really stress-free. We have gotten closer ironically since we moved here. I love talking to him! We talk about Mickey and he's helped me see things. I do really like him----I'd love to have another threesome with him and Hubby. He fuels my self-esteem with compliments, and I am just an endless sieve when it comes to that. I never ever get enough.


I was thrilled to see Mickey had written me overnight! He simply said for me to message him when I can, that he'd be home for the day. I wrote him hello, he wrote back hi, and I realized it's 2 hours earlier where he is and asked him what he was doing up at 5:15 am? haven't heard back so he probably fell asleep.


I think today's going to be a great day!

Thank God for Yahoo Messenger!

Mickey has been instant messenging (IM'ing) me on yahoo messenger just about every single day! yay!! I'm soo happy!! Since he dropped his phone in water, he hasn't been able to afford another phone, so he's on his computer and I've been on my iphone and that's how we've kept in touch. I love love love hearing from him! I check my phone all the time--to see if he's written me--and it runs the battery down so I'm having to keep it plugged in 24/7 LOL

He said, "I bet if you could, you'd lock me in your closet and keep me all to yourself". Does that boy know me or what??!! ha ha I told him absolutely I would! I was telling him I wanted to help him buy a new phone--not for entirely selfless reasons LOL cuz I miss hearing his voice and I prefer texting. i don't get a chime when he writes an IM and my phone goes dead checking it all day long. He said, "you want to be my sugar mama?" and I said, "yes I do!"

He also said he's glad to be able to talk to me on the IM. Yay! That made me happy! We talked about him coming here to visit and we said how there are things we didn't get to do together we still want to do ;) oh yeah! I told him he "still owes me" and he said, "i know, i know". I am not done with that boy!!

My problem is I think I come on too strong. I can't help myself. I've always been like this. When i like someone, I'm on 100%. I wrote him an email yesterday, telling him about the move and all, didn't get sexual except at the end, told him I'd be his sugar mama "as long as you still love me back." WTF? see how I am? And I ALSO sent him 2 pics of me in my bikini--one at home and one on the beach. I haven't heard from him since!!! And I talked to Hubby last night--he said he'd love for me to be Mickey's sugar mama! So... today I was planning on putting some money in his bank account. I still have the info from helping him out with his traffic ticket.

So... I don't know. I love the idea of helping him. I did tell him in an IM that I wanted to help him out financially but didn't want it to ruin our relationship. Did he ever respond?? NO so I don't know how he feels about it. I think I'll just put the money in today and tell him it's for a new phone. I'm sure he'll be thankful.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Withdrawal

My life has been one crazy hot mess since Mickey left. We sold our California house and bought a new house over 1000 miles away. I can't say where---only to say I miss my friends and gym and familiar things and people. Moving is SO hard....

My thoughts turn to Mickey, as usual. I have only heard from him once since he left--an email telling me he is "phoneless" because he dropped it in water. That was a week ago. I see him online 24/7 and i've written him hello but no response. I sent him 2 silly pics of the grocery store tonight. I hope I made him laugh.(remember he used to be a box boy? I thought he'd get a kick out of the store here---it's aooo ritzy).

I am in Mickey withdrawal.

I loved being with him....Looking in his eyes while I was on top of him, his hands grabbing my ass as he fucked me so hard I was so sore. I think about our talks and how comfortable I started to feel around him. Ok yeah so I'm hung up on him. Totally.

So I did something brave and at this point was probably stupid--I sent him a link to this blog. I've given it to him before--I think he likes reading about himself...maybe not? Maybe I freaked him out a little? I hope not...I'm just someone who expresses myself better with the written word. ---sigh--he's such a mystery. Just as I thought I was beginning to "get" him he's back to playing cat and mouse. It just makes me crazy.

So much is going on with me---and I just want to share it all with him. I want to hear him laugh at the craziness and tease me for my insanity. I felt so close to him by the last day of his visit. I liked being open with him and telling him whatever popped in my bead. I miss him!
Fuck if I know what he's thinking. I'm trying to resist contacting him....it's much sweeter to wait to hear from him.

We are in the midst of unpacking...but the guest room looks great already! My hubby calls it "Mickey's Room." yay!! I hope he'll come visit like he said be would!! Hubby said we'd get a new bed for him--since he complained it wasn't comfortable enough!!!

That would be so fucking awesome if he does come visit! I'm
thinking of putting money in his bank account every so often. I'd do anything for him. I'm lucky that my hubby knows how I feel about him and wants to make me happy.

As long as I have Mickey in my life, I AM happy.

My favorites

I want to write all about my week with Mickey, but I'm so busy, I don't have time to write it all down. I know I'm going to forget details, and believe me, I don't want to forget a thing. So, for now, just for me, I'm going to write my favorites list of stuff we did together. It'll help me remember for writing later when I get time.

Here they are in no particular order--Mickey, if you're reading this, this is to you.....

Seeing you walking through my house stark naked, without a care in the world.
Watching you sleep, in my bed, on my pillow, covered by my blankets.
Listening to you breathe while you slept; drinking up your beauty and manliness.
Realizing how slim your shoulders really are, and how small a waist you have.
Going down to the river and seeing you playing with my dog. Precious.
Really making eye contact with each other.
Being blindfolded by my hubby and peeking out the bottom to see my hubby giving you a BJ.
Going into the guest room and having you all to myself. One on one. Delicious.
Cooking breakfast for you, and actually eating together side by side at my kitchen table.
Giving each other goo-goo eyes as we ate.
Washing a load of your clothes--and folding them. It felt loving to do your laundry, and I folded them in front of you. I think you liked being taken care of that way.
Being able to tell you sometimes you're an asshole.
Looking into each other's eyes as you entered me.
Letting you borrow my car, and then you loved it so much you begged me to sell it to you!
Kissing those sexy full lips--with the two lip rings that drive me wild.
Telling you I loved you to your face. Even if you didn't say it back, it was still freeing.
Not insisting on condoms cuz i'd love to have your baby. Hubby agrees.
The way you wrapped your arms and legs around me and just held me tight.
Telling you how I feel about you.
You were rough and gentle, and a gentleman.
Sharing my story about my brother to you.
Getting close--getting to see you for who you really are--not my idealized version of you.
Skinny dipping--you were the first one naked!!!
The way you make me feel. Young and sexy and wild.
The way you make me appreciate my husband.
The way the bed squeaked when you fucked me hard. And how it made us giggle.
Covering you up with another blanket while you were sleeping--cuz I knew you were cold.
Sneaking in to sleep with you....and pressing my body against yours. And just sleeping together. No sex.
Having you grope me in the middle of the night. And not remember it the next day.
Watching you constantly, not able to take my eyes off of you.
Realizing how my heart beats faster when i'm even in the same room as you.
Stealing kisses when my kids walked out of the room.
Have my kids know you and see you talk to them.
Gazing sadly at the hairs left on your pillow after you'd left. Reminders you were actually here.
Driving you to the airport, and picking you up after you missed your flight. All the conversation in the car was precious to me.
Seeing you at the airport for the very first time since that dreadful day a year ago.
Your smile. It lights up not only the entire room but my heart.
Your dimples.
Making you smile.
Making you moan.
I love you.
I miss you Mickey
xoxox

Heaven, Part 2 of the first part

Ok I just realized that my last post skipped from one scene in my bed to vodka by the pool! Sorry--I was distracted by Mickey sitting next to me. My heart beats faster just being near him and my breathing is short and quick. I'm so attracted to him I just want to fuck him nonstop. I never get enough! I am soooo sore from all the sex we had in that first day he arrived.

I really must put it all in order eventually; but I want to skip to the juicy parts.

Going back to where we were laying in bed and I was watching him sleep.....unable to fully grasp the enormity of his existence in my bed. The three of us had had some wild sex the night before (I promise I'll get to that later!) and we all fell asleep in our kingsize bed. OOO la la it was delicious being sandwiched in between my sexy men. I truly felt adored, like a queen. It was marvelous.

Skipping to the next morning, after my dear hubby had left, I laid there watching Mickey sleep, unable to fall back asleep myself. He was sooooo beautiful. Long, punkish-styled black hair. TWO lip rings that just made me fucking horny looking at them, and kissing them was even hotter. His pale blue eyes closed and peaceful; his breathing slow and steady. His back was to me, and I realized how small his shoulders were; how slim he was; how tiny his waist was. How big his dick was for such a small guy. Mmmmm I was practically licking my lips fantasizing about what I wanted to do with him--like Sylvester when he sees Tweety Bird!!! (ha ha) I felt a rush of blood surge into my vagina and I was ready to fuck him.

I began to caress him, the outline of his body, his soft skin. He rustled a little and I persisted. I didn't care if I woke him--wouldn't he love to be awakened wtih a blow job? Hubby said he would, so try it. So I did!!!

I slowly peeled back the cover and top sheet, and there revealed his huge manliness. I began to stroke it and wanted him to fuck me so badly. He flipped over on his back and I climbed on top of him, straddling him.

Will finish later...kids up.

Heaven

I woke up this morning sandwiched in between my husband and Mickey. What a fucking awesome way to wake up! My hubby had to catch a plane, poor guy, and was up at the crack of dawn while Mickey and me stayed in bed. I couldn't fall back asleep though, I was soooo horny laying next to him. I just watched him sleep, amazed he was in my bed. How many nights I laid there in the dark missing him. Fantasizing about seeing him again, fucking him again, and here he is, next to me. I actually took a picture of him sleeping, I knew I wanted to remember this moment long after he left. I tossed and turned for almost an hour and could stand it no longer. I knew my kids would be coming home soon and I had to have him again.




OMG as I sit here right now, Mickey is right next to me. He's got his laptop computer on as I do. I couldn't wait to get on here and tell you about last night. I'm going to skip the boring stuff and get right to the juicy stuff.


We were having vodka by the pool, and Mickey went in to refresh his drink. As he got up, he turned around and said, "Better be naked when I get back". So, that's what we did....hubby and I ripped off our clothes but Mickey beat us to it! He was stark naked by my pool and jumped in. I was tipsy and happy. We splashed each other and it wasn't long till I was in between my sexy beautiful men and they were ravishing me. I had a dick in my mouth, and one of them was kissing my neck and breasts. It was wonderful. The water was so warm, and the air too, the stars in the sky twinkling down on the three of us, the alcohol loosening us all up and enjoying each other's bodies.


I'll finish the rest later. Mickey's getting curious what I'm writing about.

Mickey will be here in 4 hours!!

OMG Mickey is going to be here in 4 hours! I'm cleaning the guest room top to bottom for him.  He called me last night with a few questions, like how does he check in for his flight, etc. so I'm sure hoping he doesn't back out at the last minute because after all, this IS Mickey we're talking about. The king of kings of flakes. Once again, I'm back where I was a year ago, not letting myself get too excited for fear he won't show up. It's sooooo possible. I'd say a 50-50 chance. Although, this week he's texted and called me nearly every day, it's been SO wonderful. He did say he wouldn't "be mean like I was before, I know I hurt you, I was young and stupid and made a lot of mistakes." So, I think that's all I'm gonna get about why he left me naked in that hotel room a year ago. I do feel like it's closure in that it wasn't that I wasn't pretty enough, sexy enough, or said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing, wore the wrong thing or wasn't witty enough. It was HIM. Whatever made him flee really had nothing to do with me; or at least something about me triggered something in his past or whatever, but it wasn't ME per se.  Hell, I've decided that I WAS pretty enough, sexy enough, etc., and he felt too much for me and realized, shit, she's married! I'm outta here. He has said to me this week that he doesn't get my hubby and me, and doesn't know why I care for him. I said I didn't know either.


It led me to the discovery that my hubby and me aren't really swingers--we're polyamorous. I had heard the term before but didn't really know what it meant. I read a blog by a girl who had a heartbreaking story so similar to mine about Mickey, and that's when I realized what we really are. My hubby and me can love more than each other, without lessening our commitment to one another. Now it all makes total sense to me, and I feel so much better about myself.


Next post will be a doozer! I will tell you everything we do together. We've shared our fantasies this week and we are going to try some things we've never done before. I lost 4 pounds on my cleanse! I'm eating right now so I will have food in my stomach cuz the alcohol will be flowing to loosen me up. Mickey's big challenge is making me orgasm----despite the 23 lovers I've had, only my husband has made me come. So, he's got a quest....I can't WAIT!!!! 

6 days to go till Mickey's here!

It seems I'm where I was a year ago, in that I'm not really sure how to act or feel about Mickey coming here. I mean, I'm soooo totally excited, but even though my hubby paid for his plane ticket here, that doesn't mean he'll actually show up. Although I don't think he'd do that this time; we actually talked on the phone a couple of nights ago; he was saying he had family out here and his grandfather is dying and he really wants to see him. How they are all excited to see him, and are planning a party for him. 
He seems less flighty than he used to be; he's had some adversity so I think that has matured him a little bit. He's gotten in trouble with the law....something about a rape charge that was eventually dropped. He said he was drunk and the girl turned out to be 16. Hmmm huge red flag Anna? Hmm. Well, like I said, if I ever got to know him better, and take some of the mystery away, I knew I'd obsess about him less. I'm turned off by that----it's a big buzz-kill for sure. I think he's grateful he's not in jail and forever "Scarlett Lettered" as a sex offender. I also don't think he's got a GF--although there's a girl on his FB page that says she's "in a relationship" with him.


I'm SOOOOO glad he's coming! I do think the encounter will heal me and help me move on. I know that sounds fucking twisted---I know it is---but I really get now how I'm trying to fix my fucked up childhood through Mickey. He has too much power over me. I love having sex with him--but the real healing would be if I could talk to him. He really opened up to me on the phone--I get the feeling he might actually be softening about his commitment phobia. I don't know.


So, here's the plan--my hubby and I have been excitedly talking about what we're going to do with him! We are both going to go to the airport to pick him up...my groin tingles as I write those words!! I told Mickey about a cool bar my hubby and I love to go to and I want to take him there. We can eat and have a few drinks (and hopefully talk!!! Don't guys get that to get in our pants you gotta get in our heads first???) Then take him back to our house. I'm farming out my kids for the night. I told him I want to skinny dip in our pool and fuck him in every room in the house. He said he's game for anything! "Even a 3sum?" I asked him. He answered, "I'm your slave", so I'm fucking stoked!!! My hubby said I could be alone with him too. MMmmm I'm gonna slap him during sex. I thought of it just now....I'll get him back but turn him on at the same time. 


I love that I've got the power this time. NOT him. As he said himself, "you're paying for everything, I'm all yours." So there will be no running out of hotel rooms this time, unless it's done by me. 


Oh, and BTW, haven't heard a peep from B. What another asshole. I'm good enough to have his baby but he can't add me to his FB? or return any of my texts? What a loser. He's so full of himself. Well, he was fun. And I can always blackmail him if he gets really big....I've kept all his texts. LOL I'd never do that but it's fun to think about when I start to miss him.


Mickey will be here in 6 days!!!!!

OMG!! Mickey's coming to see me in 2 weeks!

"I got the time off.....I'm all yours", Mickey texted me. OMG I just melted reading it! Yep, it's true-- Mickey's going to be here in 2 weeks! It doesn't seem real. I don't want to fuck it up or it to go badly like the time I flew 800 miles to see him. He's coming to ME this time!! 


I bought his plane ticket last night! I learned what his middle name is and that was sweet. Yes, of course, my hubby knows. I wouldn't see Mickey without his blessing. He knows what Mickey means to me. I look at this as an opportunity to put the past in the past, and maybe forge ahead a new relationship with Mickey. I don't really know what kind of relationship that may be....from the very beginning 4 years ago, when we first spent the night together, all I wanted was a happy little threesome. We both fell in love with him; we both wanted to rescue him, make him happy, be with him. Maybe that's how it'll end up this time. That's what I'd love.


Most women wouldn't have given him this second, third, fourth chance, whatever the hell it is. He's hurt me so many times I've lost count, but I know he's broken my heart twice. He's unreliable, he's secretive, he's a liar, he's a scoundrel (i just love that word) he truly is. I think he's incapable of sustaining anything serious but it's because he's wounded that I feel like I understand, and forgive him. It's the mom in me that wants to nurture him. The lover in me wants to please him.


It's as if I can't remember how hurt I was that day he walked out of the hotel room and left me there, naked on the bed, lying to me about a phone call he was going to make and "be right back". Ironically, it happened to be the day Michael Jackson died (which has absolutely NOTHING at all to do with the story!) I don't know how or why I forgive him, I guess he doesn't really deserve it. But somehow, despite it all, we've stayed in touch, and in 2 weeks he's going to be here.


We've had some interesting conversations....he's actually phoned me several times and a few days ago we talked for nearly 45 min!! A record that's for sure! I don't quite know what's going on with him, but he seems to be opening up to me for the first time. It's sooooo nice to feel like I'm getting to know him. I've always felt that if I knew him better--if some of the mystery was gone, I'd obsess about him less. That I'd be able to see him for who he truly is, not who I want him to be.  Mostly we text, but I've actually got a voicemail I've kept, just to hear his sexy voice. Calling is not really his forte; if he can text he'd rather do that. An avoider. So, I've really enjoyed talking to him this last week, arranging plans.


My problem is, I had high expectations when I went to see him a year ago, and things didn't go well. Yeah, we had sex, but it wasn't amazing, it was like we really didn't even click. The truth was, I was sooo excited to see him, I was all nerves. AND I was supremely hung over from bar-hopping with my hubby the night before, waiting endlessly to see Mickey, who never materialized. Sporadic texts throughout the night, claiming one reason and another. I went to bed drunk and horny and mixed up. A midnight text inquiring about an afternoon rendezvous from him, and, of course, all was forgiven.


By the time he showed up, I realized I had only gotten myself physically ready to see him, not emotionally. I looked great--122 pounds, hair recently colored, tan and sexy. He was seeing me at my best. 


I really couldn't believe he showed up. There he was at my hotel door. As cute as I'd remembered. Just fucking, smoking hot. Sexy blue eyes, longish black hair, and that smile and dimples. Shit. I was a hungover mess, although in an attractive shell. I look back and realize I set the tone by just standing there.....I was in shock. I opened the door and just stared at him, in disbelief. I should've grabbed him and hugged him and kissed him. Instead, I was shy, self-protective, and uneasy. I sure hope I don't act that way this time.


I'm hoping not to be alone with him this time, maybe if my hubby comes with me to pick him up from the airport it'll be easier. He told me he's old enough to drink now (legally, LOL) and so I want to take him out to talk. Break the ice. I didn't get to do that before. For me, flirting and sipping a drink and feeling the walls come down is great foreplay. I never get enough of those blue eyes and that smile, and sexy voice, I fantasize about sitting across the table from him and just listening to him talk. Watching his mannerisms. That to me is sexy.


Of course I want sex....but I think just as much, I want understanding. I want to know what makes him tick. Why did he leave me like that? I'm going to try not to ask. Cuz when I asked him why he moved away 4 years ago without saying goodbye it made things sooo awkward between us. But I think I get it now....goodbyes are horrendous. I absolutely hate them. They're so uncomfortable. 


It's after 2 am and I'm falling asleep. I'm trying to sort out how I feel, and at the same time, try to diet LOL cuz I've gained about 5 pounds and feel insecure at the moment. It doesn't help that B is completely ignoring me now. I'm serious.....after being with B, I was like, "Mickey who??" I felt myself really crushing on him and it felt so good. I was soooo comfortable with him, not second-guessing myself constantly like I do with Mickey. I thought, hmmm, this is soo nice, he's so complimentary, I know he's totally into me, this is sexy and hot and comfortable all at the same time. But it's been a week and nada. Nothing. Zilch. I texted him while I wrote this, "hi sexy", and no response. So I feel crappy about myself cuz I'm not one of his model buddies. I'm not 25, I'm just me. And he liked "just me" for the last 4 months....and I know I was beligerent, texting him drunk. SUCH a bad idea. Damn it! But we still got together, and it was great.


I have to plan for my emotions when Mickey gets here. I want to be cute, I want to be fun and sexy, and I want to be honest. I want HIM to be honest. He's agreed to be my sex slave since we're paying his way out here. I fucking cannot WAIT!!!!!!!!!!