Anna blows it again

Okay so I haven't had a chance to fill you in on the latest exciting news about F, the one guy I just can't get out of my mind. I hadn't heard from him since Christmas, when he texted me, "Merry Christmas" and that he was sorry he hadn't been in touch cuz he'd been really busy. And then I'd texted him obviously too many times, hoping he'd come over and stay with me as my husband and daughter had left to go visit family and I had the house to myself for four days. He'd never responded, and broke my heart.

Three months have gone by, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I pass his fire house on the way to work every day, not just because I'm hoping to see his car (which I have never even once seen it) but because it's truly the fastest way to get to work. I have left him alone. I have too much pride to continue to chase someone who doesn't want to be caught. I've actively tried to replace him but so far no one has stepped into those big shoes.

So the most incredible thing happened Saturday! I took a different route to work, just thinking maybe traffic would be lighter going a different way since it was so early in the morning. I got off the freeway offramp, and as I made the turn, there was a white Jeep coming off the offramp from my right. Guess who it was????!! YES!!! IT WAS F!!!

I nearly shit my pants. I recognized it from his profile pic. One thing I have to stop here and add is that his parents are rich. His dad is a businessman, I'm not exactly sure what he does, but he replaced his red Ferrari with a yellow Lambo, and F is totally into cars as well. He has two, the white Jeep and another one I can't say here for fear of discovery, but suffice it to say it's one-of-a-kind too. A black car is all I can say.

I recognize the Jeep instantly, and I start shaking. OMG OMG OMG It's HIM!!!!!! THE ONE I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IS RIGHT THERE!!! He pulls behind me!!! And I have to say that I also have a one-of-a-kind car, with a personalized license plate to boot, and he's seen and been in my car. He HAS to know it's me he's behind, right???? As we both go through the green light, I wonder if he'll flash his lights at me or honk or do something to acknowledge me. He doesn't.

A half mile after the green light, he gets into the left hand turn lane, and sadly, he doesn't do anything to acknowledge me. I was too far ahead for our cars to be side-by-side or I'd have waved at least. At that split-second, I want to jerk my steering wheel and follow him. I look GOOD---I'm on my way to work, my outfit is hot and my hair and makeup are looking fine and it's actually a perfect moment to run into the man I can't get out of my heart.

I do no such thing and keep driving straight to work, shaking the whole time.

I felt like I blew it.

But I rationalized that I made that choice to not follow him based on the fact that number 1, he never texted me back three months ago and has made no effort to see or talk to me, and number 2, he didn't acknowledge me so probably, I saved myself humiliation.

I got to work and had to shut my phone off and put it in my locker. I prayed that he'd text me.

Three or so hours later, I had my 15 min break, and grabbed my phone. Sadly, no text from him. I couldn't stand it. I texted him, "Was that you behind me on 83 this morning?" And I sat down, got my sandwich, and waited. I feverishly texted my hubby and my BFF what happened. And then a text from him came!!! I was SO fucking excited I took a screenshot of his name!!!! And guess what he said??
"who is this?" My heart sank. He must've deleted me from his phone. I was heartbroken.

I answered, "(my name)". He wrote back, "(my name) who lol but ya that was me." I wrote back my last name with the two pink hearts emoticon. He wrote again, "well hi (my name)" My heart jumped back into my chest hopefully! I said, "How are you handsome? Lookin hot in that hot jeep". He wrote right back again!!! "Thanks its my buddies actually! I've been good, busy working a lot. How've you been?" I wrote, "Me too! Working and working out...doing good! Would love to see you again" (no punctuation because I usually use too much and he uses too little. Not like me, I HATE bad punctuation but I was trying to mimic his style.

Then my fifteen-minute break was over, and I had to put my phone back in my locker for the next 3 hours. I went back to work with a spring in my step, hoping and praying he'd write me again. I couldn't WAIT to clock out and grab my phone. And sure enough, there were 2 texts from him waiting for me!!!! I couldn't read them fast enough! And here's what he'd said, "Yeah we need to see each other soon! Def once I get back from vacation" (again, no punctuation) and then a second text, "How has work been for you" (again, no punctuation). It was now three hours later. I answered back, "Sorry for the delay I've been at work lol where are you going? We are headed to California can't wait" (punctuation left out on purpose)

The a second text to him, "Work is crazy can't wait to get away. But more excited to see you again" with a kiss emoticon. Haven't heard back.

So, once again, I said too much, and probably seemed needy. I decided to just let it go and wait and see what he does. I was SO happy he responded so positively, he could've ignored me like he did before but he didn't! He even said, "We NEED to see each other" so I'm going with that!

AND THEN YESTERDAY HAPPENED.

I've been attending a creative writing class at the junior college every semester, including summer, for the last 2 years. This one is every Tuesday night, 7-9 pm. I always race in at the last minute, and last night was no different. There's never a place to park, I always have to wait for someone whose class let out at 7 leave. Well, last night was no different, a woman was just pulling out and I took her spot.

Guess whose car was right in front of mine.

YES!!! F's black sports car!!!!!!

I couldn't fucking believe it!! There was no question it was his. I know what it looks like. It was in my driveway for Christ's sake. And to make sure, I grabbed my phone and quickly looked at his profile pic on his Facebook page, and yep, the tell-tale sign was the distinctive wheels and the little tree air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.

I couldn't believe the irony. Twice in four days???? I took a pic of our two cars together, and did the dumbest thing I could've done.

Sent it to him with a text, "I just parked for class..is this your car next to mine? lol"

He has not responded.

I didn't think anything of it; to me, it was hilariously ironic that I'd see him twice in four days. And I honest-to-God didn't even know he was taking classes here!! He graduated already with his firefighter degree (whatever it's called) and he had told me he wanted to quit and follow in his father's footsteps, so yeah, maybe he's taking business classes but I had no knowledge of that whatsoever. So I could not believe here was his car, and the only parking space available had been no choice of my own whatsoever. It literally felt like fate was bringing us together again. Even my BFF said so.

I went to class and couldn't stop looking at my phone, waiting for him to respond. I figured he's in class and hasn't seen it, he'll respond at some point. He hasn't. Which upset me but not too much UNTIL BOTH MY HUSBAND AND MY BFF TOLD ME THEY THOUGHT IT LOOKED CREEPY.
THAT'S NOT HOW I WANTED TO LOOK TO HIM.

To me, it was just, "OMG how ironic is THIS!!!!" and honestly, if I'd been parked next to any friend of mine I'd have done the same thing.

When both my husband and BFF told me how creepy that was that I took that pic and sent it to him, I literally started to shake again and cry. What is wrong with me??? Why did I not see it that way??? Why couldn't I just think it myself how awesome it is that he was right there too??? That wow, maybe one Tuesday night if I got there a little earlier, I might bump into him??? BUT NO I HAD TO GO AND RUIN IT. I ALWAYS SAY AND DO THE WRONG THINGS WITH THIS MAN.

I said to my BFF, "How about I text him and say something like, "OMG that totally was hilarious that I'd run into you twice in four days. I didn't know you were going to classes here" or "I thought that was so ironic I just had to say hi". She said, "NO do not say anything else. It's too late for that. You should've done that right after you sent it. Just lay low now for awhile." So to me, that signified, "You fucked up."

I hate that I did that, I hate that I couldn't see that it might upset him, or anyone for that matter. I honestly thought he'd respond, "LOL how crazy is that??" and then ask me about my class, and I'd ask him about his, and so on. But no. I must've made him think I'm stalking him.

FUCK.

So I've probably ruined that chance with him. I need to forget him now. No more texting him. If I see his car again I will pretend I didn't. I won't follow him or acknowledge him.

But I got out of class (we ended early), and his car was still there next to mine. I looked at it wistfully; I touched it, and I was surprised it was a little dirty. I feared touching it would set off an alarm! It was freezing out, so I got in my car and started the engine to warm up, and just sat there for a few minutes thinking about him. Thinking about, "HE'S HERE!!! HE'S IN THIS SAME BUILDING AS ME!" and hoping and wondering when he'd come out. I wanted to sit there and wait for him (and of course, make it look like I just got there hahaha). But I didn't. I left.

I thought that him coming out and seeing that I was gone would make him feel relieved, like it wasn't stalking nor a big deal. I didn't leave a note on his car, I didn't do anything else. I just left. And who knows what he thinks about it. I am definitely leaving him alone now.

I was planning on texting him when I hear back from Holli and Michael about next week's Playboy Radio show. Did I tell you we might be guests again? They are currently rearranging their guest schedule to accommodate us. I was going to leave F alone until I knew the date and time we were going to be on it and then tell him to listen. I probably won't now.

Time to move on.